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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 222 - Oct 4
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Celestial Reviews 222 - October 4, 1997

Note: A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really
hot.  I want the condoms because I think tonight is THE NIGHT.  We're having
dinner with her parents, then we're going out.  And I've got a feeling I'm
gonna get lucky after that.  Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time,
so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.   Later that evening, he sits
down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.  He asks if he might give
the blessing, and they agree.  He begins the prayer, but continues praying
for several minutes in silence.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."

Second note: Piper (one of my guest reviewers) forwarded to me his response
to the question, "Why do you use a different name in your reviews than you do
in your stories?"

"When I am writing as *****, I know people will be reading the stories.
 Since nobody knows *me*, any and all impressions they get of *me* will be
strictly from reading between the lines in the stories themselves.  There is
very little prejudice or preconception to overcome, so I can concentrate
strictly on what I want to say.

When I am writing reviews, I also know that people will be reading them.  The
difference, however, is that in a review, a great deal of the process
involves letting your own personality and perception show through.  That's
what makes someone a reviewer, as opposed to someone who tells you what a
story is about and whether or not they liked it.  If you read Celeste's
reviews carefully, you can learn a great deal about her inner self, her likes
and dislikes, her home life, the kind of stories that appeal to her, and the
humor that strikes her funny bone.  From then on, every time you read one of
her reviews, you can then see the story from her perspective, and maybe learn
more about the story than you would otherwise.

The same goes for guest reviewers.  Some of the better ones let you learn
something of themselves, their prejudices, their likes and dislikes.  The
ones who use their "real" pseudonyms, I've noticed, are mostly theme writers.
 They write in one flavour or style of story, and they review the same way.
 Not to say this is better or worse, but it isn't my way of doing things.  A
reviewer opens themselves up far more than a regular writer.  If I were to
post reviews as *****, then people would carry a fair amount of baggage into
my stories, and that's something I don't want.  This way, I can say whatever
I want in a review, and it will have no effect on how people view my other
writings.  

A reviewer also reveals more about different parts of himself than a writer
does.  Take Dulcinea for example.  We know from her writing that she likes
romance, adventure, sensuality, and having fun, in a loving, secure
relationship.  As a reviewer, we would find out what other kinds of kinks
turn her on and off, as well as learning about her views on bondage,
cheating, incest, scat, humor, gangbangs, teen sex, and all them other
subjects out there.  Maybe in addition to all the warm/soft/fuzzy stuff she
likes, we'd learn that she has a secret yearning to have a dominant lesbian
partner on the side.  Or, she might have a fixation against bm/mwf pairings.
 Or something else all together.

I like reviewing stories that I wouldn't write; like some of Mike Hunt's
stuff, or serious mind control stories, or far-out stuff like from Tiffany.
 I *could* write about these things, but I choose not to.  My choice is to
stick mostly with *****, even if my style changes drastically from one story
to the next.  [Others] choose to write stories in a single vein, and in
basically one style.  When you are reviewing, you don't need to limit
yourself.  In fact, it is difficult to limit yourself.  Often, I write
reviews that reflect the 'flavor' of the story I'm reviewing.  An (*ahem*)
serious story about a love triangle wouldn't be treated the same way as some
flippant romantic piece.  Truthfully, it takes as much skill, though applied
in a different way, to write consistently good reviews as it does to write
consistently good stories.  

Third note:  Ole Joe's "Alt.sex.stories - A Subculture" is a compendium of
information well worth downloading. It contains lots of useful leads to good
stories.  He has recently posted Version 5, and I hope you take a look at it.
 If it helps you or if you have suggestions, drop Ole Joe a line at
OleJoe@poboxes.com.

Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.

- Celeste

      "Barbie is Waiting" by R Rivers (spam contest) 8, 9, 9
      "Young Dumb and Full of Cum" by Mike Hunt (spam contest)
            10, 8, 8
      "Swinging the First Time" by Joan (foursome) 5, 5, 5
      "Truckstop" by The Bear (one-night stand) 10, 10, 10
      "Seeing Is Believing" by BronwenSM (humor) 10, 9, 9
      "The House of Sin" by BronwenSM (humor) 9.5, 10, 10
      "Auto Biography" by Mike Hunt (sex on wheels) 10, 10, 10
      "Your Wish" by Kim (cybersex & real sex) 10, 10, 10

Guest Reviews: 

      "Some Firsts for Me" by Mick (cross-age sex) 9, 10, 10
      "Who's Cheating on Who?" by GzAxgaiefX (sitcom parody) 7, 3, 2
      "Beast of the River" by Pat Powers (abduction & rape) 9, 7, 0
      "Candid Camera" by Unknown Author (adolescent wish 
            fulfillment) 6, 6, 6
      "Buffy James and BB" by BillyG (infidelity) 10, 8, 9
      "HypnoTV: Xena, Warrior Princess by MAW (superhero sex) 
            8.5, 9, 9.5

Reposted Reviews:

    * "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (sitcom 
            parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
    * "Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (humor) 10, 10, 10

"Barbie is Waiting" by R Rivers (r_rivers@cryogen.com).  I have to admit it:
I improvised a little bit by changing the title from its original
all-uppercase spam-shout.  This is another story in the Malinov contest.  A
young man takes his computer messages seriously and goes out on a futile
odyssey in search of FREE SEX!!!  Nearly wasted from his sojourn, he finds
that BARBIE IS WAITING in a sleazy hotel, and that SHE IS YOUNG AND DUMB and
wants to be FILLED WITH CUM.  This could be heaven; but no, the computer
calls with more offers of FREE SEX! and he leaves his Barbie behind in his
search for the perfect VIDEO VIXEN IN HEAT.

Ratings for "Barbie is Waiting"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Young Dumb and Full of Cum" by Mike Hunt (mrM1ke@aol.com).  This is possibly
Mike Hunt's worst story ever; but that's mostly because his other stories are
so good.  This one contains no sex at all.  Nada. Zip.  I hadn't noticed this
before, but perhaps Mike is a one-dimensional writer.  Hell, he may be a
one-dimensional person.  What it amounts to is this: if you take all the sex
out of his stories, they suck.  I guess that's not a fatal weakness, since
his only claims to fame are as a stud and as a writer of sex stories.  But
here we have Mike Hunt, trying to do good for humanity by advocating the
imposition of lethal damage upon the bodies of spammers; and it comes across
as a simple, ordinary story.  I'm not even aroused - well, at least not until
I glance down at my long, smooth, freshly shaven legs and nuzzle the toes of
my right foot against the instep of my left, which gives me a warm feeling in
my pussy and I suddenly realize that I'm not wearing underpants; and when I
bring my hand to my mouth in an expression of astonishment, I detect the
lingering scent of my love juices left over from the session I had with my
new sextoys this morning....

Ratings for "Young Dumb and Full of Cum"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Swinging the First Time" by Joan (joan@swinging.com).  This is a first-time
author, whom I don't particularly want to offend but who has asked for
feedback.  The story is based on an interesting and sexy fantasy.  However
the grammar stands in the way of letting the reader get a clear picture of
this fantasy.  In addition, the author relates the story in such a way that
it doesn't sound all that enticing.  My suggestion is that the author should
take a close look at any of the "My Friends the Allens" stories by Mark Aster
that involve a threesome or foursome.  Heck, I have never even done a
threesome or moresome myself, but when I read Mark's stories I can picture
the action so vividly that I can REMEMBER doing those things myself.  It's
not necessary to blindly imitate Mark, of course; but if you have four sexy
people in a story, you might as well choreograph the action so that it
conveys the sexy image that you want to share.

Ratings for "Swinging the First Time"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Truckstop" by The Bear (thebear@io.com).  This author is different from the
other Bear, who has also authored several well-written stories.  This New
Bear wants to make sure we distinguish him from the Old Bear, whose stories
have included sex with teenagers and children.  The current Bear wants to
make it clear that he's not into that sort of thing.

The present story takes place in the general area of Sulfur Springs, Texas,
which is the Mecca of smut writers throughout the world.  More dirty thoughts
and imaginary orgasms have occurred per square food of inhabitable space in
Sulfur Springs than perhaps anyplace else outside of Great Britain.  Amy is a
businesswoman who pulls into a lonely truckstop for a bite to eat.  The only
other customer mistakes her for a hooker, and she decides to play the role.
 She gives him his money's worth and then some.

Ratings for "Truckstop"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Seeing Is Believing" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com.).  In
"Sam's Bad Day" Bronwen wrote the prototypical spam parody.  That story used
probably a hundred or so spam lines as part of its text.  Most of the lines
made sense, and they produced an extremely humorous effect.  This is a
follow-up to that story, and it simply wasn't quite as funny for me this
time.  I think the problem is that the author has gone into greater depth
with the spam, and I simply haven't gone that far.  That is, I am familiar
with the title lines (which were used in "Sam's Bad Day") but not with the
captions on the spam pictures or the contents of the ads (because I almost
never get  tricked into wasting my time on them).  Nevertheless, this was
still a funny story; and if you are a spam aficionado, you'll probably enjoy
the story even more than I did.

Ratings for "Seeing Is Believing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"House of Sin" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com.).  This is the
final installment in what has become Bronwen's spam trilogy.  (The other
stories in the trilogy are "Sam's Bad Day" and "Seeing Is Believing.")  The
main feature of this one is Sam's trip to a place where he sees the literal
results of his spam - kind of a combination Christmas Carol and Dante's
Inferno of Spam Sex.  This is hard to explain briefly, but the spam
characters perform literally the roles that Sam the Spammer assigned to them.
 For example, girls "born only to cum for you" can't do anything except "cum
for you." Twatsuckingteens are likely to starve, since they can't disengage
long enough to do anything else except suck twat.  My favorite is the Year
Old Slut,  who was created as a result of Sam's brain-dead typo, but must now
live out her literal existence.

The trilogy presents a really good, humorous story.  The story even has a
happy ending and a moral to it.

Bronwen's style is usually concise and the grammar impeccable.  But this
story is not as smoothly written, and it is full of grammatical or stylistic
peccadilloes.  For example, almost immediately after a sentence with about
twelve disorganized subordinate clauses, we find this sentence: " The bigger
one must've been over 200 pounds, astonishingly well distributed."  "Must've"
is OK in dialogue (because that might be the way the character talks), but
this extremely informal contraction seems out of place in the main text,
where the author does not seem to be trying to achieve an impact by using a
dialect of some sort. "Must have" would be more appropriate.  I guess I am
being picky: I'm just full of wonderful advice today.  Maybe all Brits talk
that way. But then this story contains Bronwen's first-ever dangling
modifier: "Squashed together in the blackness, the smell and squeak of their
leather clothing was overpowering."  The author meant to say: "Squashed
together with his captors in the blackness, Sam found the smell and squeak of
their leather clothing to be overpowering."  A few sentences later, we get
another dangler: "Those eyes could never have been innocent, even as a
child."

Ratings for "House of Sin"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Auto Biography" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com).  This is Mike Hunt's sexual
odyssey as it relates to the automobile.  Sociology and history textbooks
assure us that the two main factors that contributed to the sexual revolution
in America were the pill and the automobile.  I suppose somebody earned money
from a government grant to figure that out.  In this story, Mike Hunt
elucidates and illustrates this phenomenon for free.

I have never driven a Rambler station wagon, nor have I done anything else
significant in one.. Mike Hunt has.  The focus of this story is primarily his
fumbling adventures and misadventures at getting to and beyond first base in
his deluxe bed on wheels.  This is another very good story.

Ratings for "Auto Biography"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Your Wish" by Kim (kim@nym.alias.net).  I suspect that some people who read
this story will think of the author as standing on a tall building with a
high powered rifle.

Kim and Anne have decided to exchange sexual instructions via email.  First
we hear the challenge Anne poses for Kim.  It involves a vibrator, Kim's
boyfriend, and some difficult but enjoyable positions.  Then Kim takes her
shot at Anne.  To make a long story short, Kim's demands are rather severe;
and so Anne's next set of instructions requires Kim to make up a list of
hooker prices at which she will offer herself to her boyfriend.  That is, she
must list several services, including some she doesn't really think she wants
to do, and will charge Ron more for those things.  I think you can see where
this is going....

I approve of this story.  They used K-Y at the right times.  This is a very
sexy story.

I have written elsewhere about my own attitudes toward cybersex.  Simply
stated, I don't do cyberlove.  My feeling is that I have a monogamous
relationship that I value with my husband.  There's something special and
even sacred about this relationship, and neither of us is allowed to risk
ruining it by wandering into other relationships.  Cyber-romances are
obviously different than direct relationships, but I would never really know
for sure whether the person on the other end of the cyber-romance expected
the same things that I wanted from the relationship or whether I might be
ruining a relationship I didn't even know about.  Besides, "If it ain't
broken, don't fix it."  That is, what I have is great, so why risk it?  On
the other hand, reading sex stories and communicating with the authors poses
no problem for me because the relationship between a reviewer or reader and
an author is different than that between two participants in a romantic
tryst.  And so I merrily go about my life, having occasional orgasms at the
computer, greeting my husband with a shit-eating grin on my face, and waking
him up in the middle of the night to fuck his brains out when one of these
stories really gets me going.

Kim's story explores the positive possibilities of a view different than
mine.  It's a very good story.  Is it realistic?  I'm sure it is.  Is it
dangerous?  I think so; but danger can be fun.  I simply enjoy different
types and levels of danger than Kim does.  Is Kim's way better than mine?
 Gimme a break.  Different people have different backgrounds, needs, and
interests.

Ratings for "Your Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Some Firsts for Me" by Mick (benedicta@anon.nymserver.com).  Guest review by
Mike Hunt.

I always like reading a writer's first post. I remember mine: the encouraging
words, the helpful note, the good review. A first story, like the first time
you had sex, is one to remember. Maybe we should start a "first writer's
club" or something: "Order, Order. The First Writer's Club will now consider
"Some Firsts for Me", the first effort by Mick about first sex, though not in
the way you might think at, uh, first..."

Mick gives his account of a months-long seduction by an older woman with whom
he works with in a bookstore. The relationship matures through some teasing
and tantalizing, movie dates and even lunches with her 35-year-old husband
(and her, of course.) It's easy to tell where the plot is going, but the ride
is still fun. Finally the husband is out of town, and Mick is invited to her
house for dinner.

The food is OK, the moment arrives, he joins her in bed, and she ties him
down using her husband's neckties. The light bondage is just the first of
Mick's firsts. The oxymoronic second "first" is when the husband joins the
fray, and the even more self-contradictory third "first" is when the husband
shows up and performs the sex act on Mick while the wife sits on his face.
Mick's face, not the husband's face. He's busy. He being the husband. Well,
Mick's busy too. Hmmm.

I'm getting confused here, but it's my fault, not the writer's. It's an
interesting tale with a twist, and the writing is sparse but clean. If I have
one criticism it is that Nick should learn to use more dialogue to move the
story forward: it breaks the monotony of the endless paragraph blocks of
narration.

"Some Firsts for Me" is a quite good first, and I'll look forward to a
second. Do I hear a second? Meeting adjourned.

Ratings for "Some Firsts for Me"
Athena (technical quality): 9  (good writing but needs variety)
Venus (plot & character): 10 
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Who's Cheating on Who?" by GzAxgaiefX (GzAxgaiefX@aol.com).  Guest review by
BillyG.

If all the grammatical, spelling and typo errors were cleaned up in this
take-off on "The Simpsons," it'd remain a terribly lame story.  However, the
fact is, the story line is so impaired, I hardly noticed the poor grammar.

If you enjoy sexual parodies of TV shows and characters, you might possibly
find something of merit in this story, although it stretches credibility to
imagine that.  First, let me admit my biases right at the outset. I'm not a
television fan, although I've been exposed to The Simpsons; my son watches
it.  I suppose if one was an ardent fan and knew the characters intimately,
that'd relieve the writer from the onerous task of character development.  In
this case, the people involved are largely faceless names in search of
character.  They don't even come close.

Were I sufficiently intrigued, I'd go back and read the preceding chapters
but I fear that'd bias me even more, so this review is based on the single
episode.  Given the superficiality of the plot line I read, I suspect there's
not a multi-layered, complex and interwoven intellectual story line I've
missed.

Remember in the WWII movies how wounded bomber planes returned to the base
unable to lower their landing gears?  They'd belly in and skip down the
runway much like a flat stone thrown across the water.  Well, the sex in this
story is a lot like that, skipping from one encounter to the next with all
the sensitivity and foreplay of B17 belly landing.

Did you know what Marge looks like naked?  I didn't.  In case any of you have
ever wondered, Marge has a "blue bush" and "large yellow boobs."  That gets
the juices going, doesn't it?  Then there's dear Homer.  For the very
curious, Homer has a "little dick."  But the most graphic picture is reserved
for C. Montgomery Burns, head of the power plant where Homer works.  Mr.
Burns has a "fragile, skimpy body (with) puny leg muscles, wrinkled face and
a (sic) long hard cock."

Marge boffs Burns to get Homer a job, and then finds she loves it!  Homer's
pissed and punishes her by jacking off on her body, not allowing her to
orgasm.  But there's salvation.  Next door neighbor, Ned Flanders strolls
over and finds Marge au natural and terminally horny courtesy of Homer's
neglect.  Not a word is spoken.  He just climbs into the saddle.  If you like
the strong silent type of seduction, known to some as rape, you may find
something of value in this scene.

Ned's wife, Maud,  is not idly; she's with her minister, Reverend Lovejoy.
 As the Reverend "bulldozed into Maud Flanders's ass, she let out a short
scream of pain which turned into a  long moan of pleasure."  This is an equal
opportunity story with, I think, a token ass fucking.  All kinks are given
equal time it would appear. Finally, Homer who goes to the power plant to
kill Burns, finds him with his dick in  his male secretary, Smithers.  

That's it folks; that's the whole story.  Sorry I let the cat out of the bag.
I remember as a kid seeing an underground comic of Popeye balling Olive Oil
and tried to recall if this story was anything like that.  I decided it
wasn't.  Popeye had more buildup.

Ratings for "Who's Cheating on Who?"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 3 
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 2

"Beast of the River" by Pat Powers (siren7@mindspring.com). Guest review by
Anne747.

Sometimes you start reading a story and you think that it just might be an
interesting read.  The set up sounds promising, the writing is good.  Then it
just becomes the same old predictable stuff.  Well, for me, that describes
this story exactly.  One comment about the posting:  to some extent it is
used to solicit business for a Publishing Company.  If I had visited the site
first I might have had a different first impression of the story.

The piece purports to be an excerpt from a journal, found in the present.
 The story is set in 1824 and has great possibilities.  The journal is
written from the perspective of a young, probably well-educated woman who
feels distress about something in her past.  It's a perfect set-up for a hot
sexual piece.  It could have been about a proper young lady who discovers
that sex is pleasurable, addictive even, rather than just being something to
endure (as I'm sure young women of that time period were told).

As it is, it's just another abduction rape story.  It starts with loving
descriptions of three virginal younger girls being taken hostage with her.
 The other girls are hooded, staked to the ground, and raped multiple times,
until, you guessed it, they love it.  I mean, give me a break.  Of course,
the fourth girl, being forced to watch, gets turned on.  The story ends with
a hood being put over her head and she is taken away, leaving the reader to
wonder about what actually happened to the girl (since obviously from the
journal, she survived the encounter).

Well, some people will wonder.  I really don't care.  It's a shame that the
writer took such a promising story and just turned it into a typical brutal
rape story.  Normally I don't read these types of stories, but I try not to
push them back to Celeste.  I've decided that these stories are boring....
first we abduct the woman, we see how scared she is, we now rape her brutally
against her will, first she sobs, after two or three men she loves it.  Yawn.

Ratings for "Beast of the River"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 0

"Candid Camera" by Unknown Author (Reposted by Bookman Archives
<readebks@wolfenet.COM>)  Guest review by Kim.

I ended my last review with a complaint that the author of that story was
unknown and they deserved credit of a fine piece of erotic writing.

This story, on the other hand, begins with a plea for the unknown author to
get in touch with the reposter/archivist so that he may reinstate him as the
accredited author.

To be honest, I doubt he will get many takers. It's the sort of first attempt
at sexy writing you tried when you were fifteen, but when finding it ten
years later makes your toes curl in embarrassment.

It's the not very convincing story of a wanna-be professional photographer
whose reduced to working in a photographic suppliers. He persuades the owner
to let him turn a disused storeroom into a studio. And wouldn't you just know
it, but a delicious babe walks in off the street and asks to have a modeling
portfolio done, oh and while he was at it, could he do her some nude shots as
well. Yeah, right. Happens all the time.

A more obvious piece of teenage wish fulfillment I can't imagine. It's filled
with the sort of nonsense only a virgin could come up with. Still, I
shouldn't be too harsh, the lad (I would be astonished if this is the work of
a female) obviously means well, and his heart is definitely in the right
place. He makes the heroine a nice person, there's no mind control, coercion,
animals or any perversity of any sort. Just two adults being nice to each
other.

I can't think of much else to say. The one word that sums it up precisely is
juvenile.

Ratings for "Candid Camera"
Athena (technical quality): 6 (Pretty bad, but at least it's coherent)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (Man & woman meet, get naked, fuck, 
      the end)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Oh that's done it, 666 -- spooookeeey!)

"Buffy James and BB" by BillyG (Hayden@mindless.com). Guest review by
Fiddler.

BB is Dr. Bill Burbank, a hotshot vascular surgeon.  Dr. (Howie) James is a
 barely-competent fellow surgeon.  Buffy is Dr. James' wife.  BB pulls James
out of a crisis, and then James asks him to drive his wife home, since James
can't leave yet.  Buffy has always been frosty with BB, but apologizes and
flirts with him on the drive home.  She invites him to a party at the James
house that Sunday.  At the party, Buffy's friend explains that Buffy has
always been attracted to BB but kept him at arm's length for fear of the
damage that attraction could do to her marriage. Now she is willing to risk
acting on that attraction.  Buffy returns and they make fervent love in the
pantry while the party is in progress.  

This all seemed perfectly plausible while I was reading the story.   The sex
is hot, if surprisingly genital-centered for this author.  The
 operating-room scene was exciting in itself, as well as establishing the
 characters of BB and the husband.  The wife's character is more explained
 than established, but it still puts this story well above the a.s.s average
 of "let me tell you about myself," for character development.

Ratings for "Buffy James and BB":
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 9

"HypnoTV: Xena, Warrior Princess by MAW (MS4EVER321@aol.com). Guest review by
Piper.

(After reviewing "Xena: Warrior Princess by Steve1044" last time, I thought
I'd check out what other Xena stories are out there.  Boy, the pickings are
slim.  Ten stories in total.  With one of those being unfinished, two already
having been reviewed by others, and one already reviewed by me, that leaves
six to go.  In no particular order, here's number six.)

[Celeste - the other two stories reviewed were "Xena: Callisto's Escape" by
Backrub, and "Hercules: Hero to Zero" by MC Woodsmoke.]

I guessed right off the bat that someone in the story was going to get
hypnotized somehow (brilliant, huh?).  And lo, it came to be.  In this case,
aided by some contraption built by Hephaestus (the god of metalsmiths), it's
Ares (the god of war) who takes on the unsuspecting female duo of Xena and
Gabrielle.  Strange as it might seem, I could actually picture something like
this happening on the TV show.  After all, Ares does have this love/hate
thing going with Xena.  

What Ares wants is for Xena to stop messing with all his warlords and
kinglings.  Her stopping all those raids and wars is cutting into his fun.
 Since killing her didn't work, bribing her didn't work, and sending minions
to keep her out of the way didn't work, he's come up with a new plan: make
her fall deeply in lust with someone.  He figures it'll keep her so busy, she
won't have time for foiling his schemes any more.  And since there just
happens to be someone right there all the time already, someone Xena has deep
feelings for, he figures he's got the perfect setup.

Only, there's a small flaw in his plan.  You see, love is Aphrodite's gig
(the goddess of love).  What happens?  You'll have to read the story to find
out.

Since I, personally, don't have any experience with lesbian sex, I passed
this one on to my two "lady" friends for their opinions, and got a
two-thumbs-up in return.  One said "Pretty good writing, for a guy," while
the other one said "Do you think he (meaning the author) was spying on us
last year when we were on vacation?"  They rated it as 2,1,0, which, on their
scale, is a fairly decent score (three orgasms total, none simultaneous).  

Technically, this story is somewhat flawed.  While there weren't any typos or
homonyms that jumped out at me, some poor English did.  Broken sentences and
phrases tended to interrupt the flow, and disrupted my enjoyment of the
story.  That's something a spellchecker can't help with.  This one isn't
nearly as bad as some of the other writings I've read, but it still needs a
little help.

Other than that, this was a pretty good story.  The characters stay pretty
much in character.  The lines, although not inspired, are good enough to have
been on the show.  If it weren't for the explicit subject matter (and the
stock prose in the hypnotism parts), this could have been the core of a real
Xena episode.  Not a bad job at all.  

Ratings for "Hypno TV:  Xena: Warrior Princess"
      Technical merit    8.5
      Plot & character   9
      Appeal to reviewer 9.5

* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
 Since this is CR 222 and since I am a high school English teacher, I thought
it would be appropriate to repost this review.  Perhaps someone will repost
the story as well.

Two female teachers at Walt Whitman High School go for a run.  They need a
shower afterwards, but a gym class is using the girls' showers.  The coaches'
shower is also in use.  Since no boys' gym class is scheduled, they decide to
sneak into the boys' locker room for a quick shower; but they startle a
straggler who is still taking his shower.  Some horseplay follows, and then
they get into some hot threeway sex.  I remember seeing a few episodes of
"Room 222," but I don't have a clear recollection of it.  I can't really
evaluate this as a parody, but I found it to be a pretty good story in its
own right.

Ratings for "Room 222"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

* "Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com.).  Sam is,
among other things, a sidesman at his church. Forced to take the train home
from work, he finds himself in a surrealistic world of sperm-berpers and
perky DoubleTeamingTeens doing it doggie-style.  Sam tries to reason with the
juicy teens, but the perverted sex-vixens seem to have run amuck - er, amok -
er, amuck, I guess. To put it bluntly, they just plain love to fuck & suck
and talk dirty on the phone.

You see, what Bronwen has done is compose a coherent story using as many spam
lines from a.s.s. and a.s.s.d. as possible.  It's really cute! He should
receive a Well Deserved Spanking from Bare-Bottomed Schoolgirls.  Pics at
Eleven.

Ratings for "Sam's Bad Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


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