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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 211 - Aug 27
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Celestial Reviews 211 - August 27, 1997
Note: As you sports fans know, there has been a trend toward naming sports
centers and stadiums after corporate sponsors. It occurred to one of my
readers that corporate sponsors might also be interested in adopting condoms.
Here are some suggested mottoes:
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and
growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for
a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish
everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
[EverReady Condoms are best used inside-out: they keep
coming and coming]
If you have additional suggestions, I'd like to hear them.
Second note: A scriptural scholar who follows my reviews sent me this
excerpt from a newly discovered manuscript, which appears to be a missing
chapter from the Book of Genesis:
And behold, on the EIGHTH day, having created the universe and all that was
in it, God had a couple of left-over things remaining in his bag of
creations. Therefore, he went to the Garden and found Adam and Eve near the
apple tree.
God spake unto the couple and said that one of the things he had to give away
was the ability to pee standing up. "It's a very handy thing," quoth God unto
the couple. "Does either one of you want this gift?"
Adam thereupon almost popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Lord, Lord,
give that unto me! Deeply would I love to be able to do that! It seemeth the
sort of thing that it behooveth a Man to do. Oh please, oh please, oh please,
let me have that ability. Would that I could! I'd be so great! When I'm
henceforth working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it
rip. I'd be so cool! Oh please, God, let it be me unto whom you give that
gift. Let me stand and pee all the days of my life. Oh please........." On
and on he went, until nearly noon on that eighth day of creation, crying out
like an excited little manchild who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam
really wanted it so badly - and forsooth it seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy - she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was good. On his first try Adam's piss fell nearly two
cubits from his body and flowed like a gentle river down the hillside. Soon
he learned not to piss against the wind.
Then God spake thus: "Fine," quoth he, looking back into his bag of left-over
gifts. "Now I need something for the woman. What's left here? Oh yes,
multiple orgasms...."
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Dirty Boys" by Mike Hunt (voyeurism & emerging adolescence)
10, 10, 10
"Room with a View" by Ann Douglas (voyeurism) 9, 10, 10
"Star" by Ann Douglas (sex with movie star) 9, 9, 9
"Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (sex with a nun) 10, 10, 10
"Temptation" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (satanic sex in a convent)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"The Perfect Place" by LuckyMe (voyeuristic travelogue) 7, 2, 5
"Find a Penny..." by J Boswell (sex & romance in the 60s)
10, 10, 10
"Adrienne a la Mode" by Cynthia (romantic seduction)
10, 10, 10
"A Scandal in Beverly Hills" by DG (sexy detective story)
10, 10, 9
"Leslie Banks" by The Real Megillah (geriatric sex) 8, 5, 3
"Bi Quad" by Unknown Author (foursome) 7, 10, 9
"Citation" by Unknown Author (pleasurable police bondage)
8. 9.5, 9
"The Hotel Dinner" by Slowhand Luke (threesome) 8, 10, 10
"Prom Date" by Ann Douglas (sweet romance) 10, 10, 9
Reposted Reviews:
* "Tryout" by Friar Dave (threeways & moreways) 10, 10, 10
* "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (sex life of porn writer)
10, 10, 10
* "Scarlett's Cove" by Ann Douglas (hot lesbian romance)
10, 10, 10
* "A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
"The Dirty Boys" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). I've decided to use my
literary detective skills to figure out who Mike Hunt really is. Sort of
like I did with Deirdre when I determined that she was really Sherwood
Anderson reincarnated and living in Sulfur Springs. Only I'm pretty sure
Mike is nobody reincarnated. I think he's on his first time in this life.
The way I figure it, he's probably an American. That doesn't narrow it too
far, because there must be a million or a billion or even a zillion
Americans. But I've also concluded that he's a man. I came to that
conclusion because his knowledge of female anatomy and emotions seems to be
second-hand, if ya know what I mean. That was a big step, because I was able
to eliminate a half million, billion, or zillion people at one shot.
Next, I figured he probably actually has some real experience with sex. So
that ruled out most of the people in New Mexico. You may think that's an
insult to the people of The Evergreen State or whatever they call New Mexico
- the Land of Enchantment, I think - but the people of that state either live
alone or are proud of their virtue or don't know diddly about computers. So
that eliminates another thousand people or so.
Next, I figured Mike obviously knows something about computers, even if he is
an AOL user. So that ruled out 2 out of 3 of the guys who teach in my
English department. The other guy was ruled out in the previous paragraph -
the sexual experience part, not the New Mexico bit.
Of course, in narrowing this down, I can't believe anything Mike says in his
stories. Like, he says in this story he's from California. Right! The
problem is that Mike is a bald-faced, compulsive liar. I suspect he even
lies about the size of his dick in the notes that accompany his stories. I
thought that tidbit might help me narrow the field; but it didn't eliminate a
single suspect. Nada. Zippo.
So right now I figure Mike is a heterosexual male American or perhaps
Canadian citizen, probably between the ages of 17 and 70 and probably not
currently in prison, who lives somewhere other than New Mexico, who does not
teach English at my high school, and who is probably not Al Gore. That's
really not bad for my first day's work! I'll keep you posted when I learn
more. If you have any suggestions, send them to me.
In the present story Mike talks about his alleged early experiences as a
teenage voyeur. He even admits to mutual masturbation with his teenage
voyeur partner. {However, even if that's true, that doesn't narrow the field
very much - according to Kinsey, anyway.} As usual, the writing is sexy and
thought-provoking.
Ratings for "Dirty Boys"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Room with a View" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com). Here we have a story
about another one of those evil-hearted teen voyeurs, who spy upon
unsuspecting, sultry nymphs through binoculars from nearby apartment
buildings. Jimmy even gets lucky tonight - well, sorta lucky: Maria
masturbates in front of the window while changing clothes. Then she startles
Jimmy by blowing him a kiss at the end of her performance.
This summary may sound tame, but this is actually a highly erotic story.
Ratings for "Room with a View"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Star" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com). Kevin is an 18-year-old who is
in love with a 50-year-old actress. She has given him a front-row seat to
see her play and also received an invitation to meet with her backstage after
the show. Things go pretty well - Cindy even tells him to stop calling her
Miss Thomas. Next she discusses with Kevin her life in Hollywood and her
past affairs; and when he says that she's still beautiful, she disrobes in
front of him, so that he can verify this opinion. Pretty soon Kevin is
getting a blowjob and then fucking Cindy in the ass. Life will never be the
same for the young man.
This isn't among Ann's best stories. But it's still pretty good.
Ratings for "Star"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). I guess sex-with-nun
stories are interesting mostly because nuns are taboo. It's fun to fantasize
having sex with a person normally considered to be off-limits or to imagine
these presumably asexual beings having dirty thoughts. I am a graduate of
Catholic education, and I have a close friend who was a nun for a long time;
and I enjoy some of these nun-sex stories immensely.
Having said that I enjoy these stories, I also hasten to point out that they
are mostly fantasy; that is, they require an extreme suspension of disbelief.
For example, last month I gave my top rating to a story called "Conventional
Sex," in which a teenage boy gets stuck for the night in a convent and has
wild sex with the nun in whose room he hides. I truly doubt that the author
of that story had first-hand or even-second hand information on which to base
that story. In other words, it was a hilarious and sexy fantasy, but I doubt
that anything close to it has ever happened. Ditto for "Temptation," the
next story in this issue of CR: to "believe" that story you have to accept
the notion that a critter called an incubus can appear and disappear, change
forms, and exercise physical and spiritual control over an emotionally
distressed nun who can't think of any way to avoid the danger. In other
words, it's a thought-provoking, borderline blasphemous fantasy that has just
about as much relation to reality as the movie "E.T."
The present story is different. From what I know about nuns {we'll call it
second-hand experience}, this one is actually a real-life possibility. The
nun bums a ride on a sailboat to the Virgin Islands. She falls into serious
conversation with her male companion, discloses that she is taking a leave of
absence to "find herself," describes her past experiences, and eventually
makes hot and tender love to him.
When I say that this story is realistic, I don't mean to suggest that it is
autobiographical. I doubt that the author really "fucked a nun and lived to
talk about it." What I think happened is this: The author is a person who
enjoys writing about emerging sexual feelings and the sexual explorations of
children and adolescents. One day he watched a movie like "The African
Queen," and he said to himself, "Wouldn't it be interesting if these two
people were on a sailboat to an exotic place and if the woman were a nun and
if the sex were explicit rather than implied? The nun could talk about her
adolescent and pre-convent sexual experiences and about her current feelings.
The guy could be understanding and supportive and reveal his own feelings
and experiences. We'll see where things go from there." And thus this story
was born.
It may not have been "The African Queen"; maybe it was "Heaven Loves Mr.
What's His Name" or one of those other stories where a relatively naive woman
is marooned with or travels with a more worldly man. My point here is that
this is a good way to generate stories: find a good plot and "steal" it.
It's not plagiarism or a copyright violation to adapt someone else's basic
story, as long as you really do make it your own by diverging from the basic
idea and developing the plot and characters along unique lines. Some of the
most "original" stories in both world and erotic literature (and in the
movies) have been developed in this way. Give it a try! But meanwhile, read
and enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Sister Mary Joseph"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Temptation" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (mohanraj@ella.mills.edu). The story
begins with Sister Maria asleep in her convent, tormented by erotic dreams.
Although the dreams are extremely sensual, they are not pleasant to the
young woman, who has taken a vow to forgo sexual pleasure She confesses her
sins to Father Jose, who requires her (among other things) to contemplate her
sins, to do penance by wearing a hair shirt, and eventually to throw herself
at the mercy of Mother Superior.
The story is far too complex to summarize in detail. It's a mixture of a
James Joyce novel and a Fellini film: the reader knows it's supposed to make
sense but can't quite figure out how. But that's good! Sister Maria is a
former prostitute who has abandoned the old ways but still remembers them and
has not quite figured out why some of the old things were wrong. Her
priest-confessor is in cahoots with the Mother Superior, who seems to be
running a coven of fiends who.... Actually, it's a lot like having Mother
Angelica fromo EWTN in Stefano's role in "Days of Our Lives."
In a strange way, this story reminded me of "The Sound of Music." For
example, there's a song in that movie about "How do you solve a problem like
Maria?" In the movie Maria solves her dilemma by leaving the convent to
marry Captain von Trap and to raise his eight children. Maybe you don't see
the parallelism, but I'm sure W.C. Fields would. Just make some minor
changes, like replacing the children with a satanic incubus who plunges a
knife into Maria's naked body, and you have the present story.
I have already descended to levity, but the rest of this "review" is even
more difficult to write. I mean, Mary Anne Mohanraj is one of my favorite
writers; and she has written a serious, somber story that merges human
sexuality with religious themes. It would be "almost blasphemous" to end
this review with a joke. Ah, what the hell! Her story is "almost
blasphemous" already!
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either
died, the remaining one would try to contact the partner in the Great Beyond
exactly 30 days after that person died. As fate would have it, a few weeks
later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart
tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, the surviving lover called out, "John, dear John; this is
Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the
time."
"Well what do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise and eat a good breakfast, and then
there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then
have more sex until about five. After dinner we go at it again, until we
fall asleep about 11 pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback: "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
Martha was shocked. Filled with apprehension, she asked, "Well then where
are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
See! I can do surrealism too. And that brings me to the end of this review.
This is an excellent story.
Ratings for "Temptation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Perfect Place" by (LuckyMe (luckyme001@aol.com). Guest review by Kim.
OK, I'll try not to start this review with a pointless and jokey
introduction. Well, one out of two ain't bad I suppose. This won't be a long
review 'cos it's not a long story. Hell, it's not even a story really. It's
basically the supposedly true reminiscences of a guy on a trip to Germany. He
wanders about the edge of a lake, just south of Frankfurt, and along with a
few voyeuristic locals, watches various couples and groups having gay,
straight, and bi sex. He never once joins in or even covertly masturbates; he
just watches. And erm, that's about it really.
It's well enough written; but as a saga of torrid, panty-soaking sex, it
comes across more like a German tourist travelogue. I suppose that's a bit
harsh, but it's difficult to get involved when the narrator is so uninvolved
himself. The nearest he comes to an emotional response is at the end with a
rather sad regret that there isn't a place like this in the good old U.S. of
A.
And that's about all I can say about it really. Hey, this is the shortest
review I've managed so far. At this rate I'll soon be down to Celeste's
levels. :)
Ratings for "The Perfect Place"
Athena (technical quality): 7 (simple, mechanical description
mostly)
Venus (plot & character): 2 (almost not applicable)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 5 (I hate to do this, knowing what it's
like on the receiving end)
"Find a Penny..." by J Boswell (Ole Joe repost). Guest review by BronwenSM.
We start with the narrator today, reminiscing on the beach in the Nineties,
and then go into flashback.... It's the Sixties, and our hero is a not-so-hip
freshman in a big Eastern city just before long hair and hash took over the
campuses.
His group's moral code also predates the Summer of Love. Although loving and
responsive, his steady girlfriend wants to hold onto her virginity - and his
frustration is what drives the events that follow. It's a story about growing
up. Boy meets girl, boy cheats on girl, boy owns up, girl dumps him, second
girl was only playing games...
"Life was simple and fun, and I had it by the balls and knew it," says the
narrator. By the end of this section he's beginning to see that life isn't
always quite that simple. (There's more of this story to come - for which I
am grateful!)
This story is well-constructed with interesting characters you can care
about. As an Englishwoman, I found the writer's powers of observation made an
essentially foreign scene vivid to me. Take out the most explicit sexual
passages and you could publish this story a lot of places. Personally,
though, I think taking the sex out would be a real waste - as it is horny and
authentic. This is a good story, but it as a story I will remember it rather
than a turn-on - though this doesn't mean it wasn't a turn-on, rather that
this wasn't its main appeal.
Ratings for "Find a Penny..."
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10 (or possibly 11!)
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Adrienne a la Mode" by Cynthia (SLowhand@dial.pipex.com). Guest review by
BluePencil.
A respected writer in another genre once said that plot ideas were one of the
easiest things to come by; it was turning them into a good story that
required hard work.
Unfortunately, this is one of the hardest things for aspiring writers to
absorb. Far too often they feel the need for an exotic plot, locale, or
characters. In alt.sex.stories, this often translates into people with
unlikely physical measurements and unusual athletic attainments making love
with each other, assorted relatives, and the occasional polar bear while
riding the roller coaster in their local amusement park. I'm exaggerating
slightly, perhaps - they probably wouldn't all fit in the roller coaster.
Perhaps the bumper cars.
There are at least two sorts of problems with this type of story:
First, it's usually a little hard to suspend your disbelief enough to forget
that it _is_ a story (if not, you and your dearest are probably scheduled for
one or more daytime talk shows in the near future).
Second, and far more irritating for the writer, is that if your story is
discussed at all it won't be for your masterful plotting, your command of the
language, or even your well-crafted sex scenes. Instead, people will
remember it as "the one where the bald-headed woman got it on with a camel in
a pool of lime jello." Irritating, unless you are willing to take this as a
tribute to your memorable characters.
Fortunately, there are writers out there, however rare, who are willing to
bypass the easy tricks and work at their craft. And even, amazingly, post
the results to alt.sex.stories.
Adrienne is a teacher. Tim is her businessman lover, who has trouble leaving
his work totally behind, even for an evening with the woman he loves. She
sets out to distract him. What happens? Does she arouse his interest, or at
least his libido? Does she succeed in driving work from his mind? And does
she get what she wants in the end? Read the story. Really.
Cynthia has taken the familiar elements of far too many ordinary stories and
transmuted them as thoroughly as coal into diamond. This is one of the best
written, believable, and appealing stories I have read on this newsgroup in
the past few months. I don't recall seeing any of Cynthia's stories before;
I'd like to thank Slowhand Luke for posting this one for her. I hope that it
is the first of many.
Ratings for "Adrienne a la Mode"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot and character): 10
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Scandal in Beverly Hills" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). Guest review by
BillyG.
This is a moderately long, well-written detective story that's rich in
well-contrived, seedy characters and enough unexpected twists and
multi-layered surprises to keep your attention. A down-at-the-heels, largely
unemployed detective, Franklin Stern, is hired by surgically-enhanced and
sexually-kinky woman, Ms Amanda Link, for what appears to be a straight
forward surveillance job to collect information about - get this - a plastic
surgeon who, she maintains, may be using shoddy breast augmentation implants.
The sleazy surgeon, Dr. Martin Westphal, presents his own set of character
defects, not the least of which is a considerable inaptitude as an operating
physician. He is, in short, a bumbler, but one with aspirations and a
certain talent for scheming.
The first layer of this spoof is entertained only briefly. Quickly we're led
into deeper levels of a convoluted but entertaining plot of blackmail and
infidelity. Dionysian's unfolding of the secondary and tertiary levels of
duplicity is what makes this story so entertaining.
A secondary character, the Mexican maid, Maria, is a delightful, thick-
accented scene stealer. As unprincipled as the best, or the worst of them,
her Mexican accent works well, except the few times she 'loses' it, more a
typo/overlook than a contrived machination. Maria is unabashedly sexy with a
taste for same-sex kinkiness as well as a new-found predilection for anal
fucking.
Stern eventually sees thought *almost* all the layers of subterfuge and in
the process, enjoys Amanda's quirky desire to be sexually humiliated as a fun
but not very erotic side dish.
The story moves well as a detective story, a detective story with lots of
kinky and sexy subplots. But, if your like a gradual seduction or a slow
buildup, this tale bypasses those nuances and instead mater-of-factly jumps
into totally consensual, get-it-on-right-now sexual activity, none of it
vanilla.
The "9" for "appeal" reflects the reviewer's preference for greater eroticism
in a sex story. Were I grading it as a detective story, it'd be a 10.
Ratings for "A Scandal in Beverly Hills"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Leslie Banks" by The Real Megillah (posted by Hawk Richards). Guest review
by Mike Hunt.
This is a story that Hawk Richards says he is posting on behalf of The Real
Megillah. I have my doubts, but except for the fact that I know Hawk is a
lying scumbag without a shred of honesty, I have no reason to question him.
"Leslie Banks", I think, is a story for a narrow market. Maybe not, maybe
it's me. What do you think? It's about sex with a 72 year old woman: iron
grey hair, a mustache on her upper lip, loose dental plates (which begin to
come out during a passionate kiss), spread hips, thick legs, and breasts
which "hung down like flat pancakes."
The story is simple. A young man meets her on a bus, they go dancing, have
sex, and live happily ever after. Oh, did I mention the part about her
sideburns and the long grey hairs on her chin? And under her arms? It's not
that Leslie is old. It's that the author makes her a grotesque caricature.
There isn't much more here, so you decide if you want to go find it.
Personally I'd rather go down to the local Decency League chapter and help
address envelopes.
Ratings for "Leslie Banks"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (loss of points for the use of
"aureola")
Venus (plot & character): 5
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Bi Quad" by Unknown Author (posted by cratercrash@hotmail.com) Guest review
by Anne747
Before I get to my review, I'd like to rant for a minute. The disclaimer
proclaims 'Do you like sex stories?? Find hundreds of more for free at...'
Okay - first, you need an Adult Check ID to get it. I actually don't have a
real problem with this. However, most webmasters are looking for the
'referral' fee when unsuspecting visitors choose to get their adult check ID.
I've lost my point - oh yes, truth in advertising! I have an Adult Check ID
(purchased last year) and so I entered the site - 67 stories... not hundreds.
The lure of hundreds of stories is blatantly false. I could say more about
the site (uh, Mr. Webmaster... you can't stop reading a story when it's a zip
file), but this isn't a website review <grin>.
Now, on to why you're reading - the review. The title kind of gives it away,
or promises what is to come (pun intended). The story was a combination of
good and bad. Two couples making out in a hot car decide that it is just far
too warm and share a blanket out in the moonlight. The images of watching
each other eventually leads to some hot bi action (both male and female).
There is little character development, but it doesn't need it for what it is
trying to accomplish.
The "good" is the fact that this story reads as a fairly realistic piece. It
reads as something that could happen. At times the wording is very well done
with good descriptive sentences. Other times though it falls short,
resulting in almost a choppy feel. I've been guilty of this style too, kind
of a 'paint by numbers' attitude.
Now, there is one phrase that sticks out in my mind from the story. I wasn't
going to mention it, but I might as well highlight my own shortcomings. I
even went back and read Celestial Grammar and I'm still not sure of the
answer (are you laughing yet Celeste?). First let me quote the piece I'm
talking about:
"Julie decided it was time to get laid by two guys. She laid on top of me and
my friend laid on top of her."
Should the second sentence use "lay" instead of "laid"? Now, you see, if I
had been the writer I would have likely avoided the whole bug-a-boo and
written it this way:
"She straddled me swiftly and slid down over my erect cock, pulling Tom
behind her....." See, I managed to avoid even using the word! I'll admit
that I've changed the wording of a sentence when I wasn't completely sure
about the word usage. Although, I feel somewhat lacking in the fact that I'm
not 100% sure of which word is correct. I also wonder how much trust you
should be putting in my grammatical ratings <grin>.
{Anne is right. Each "laid" in the second sentence should be "lay." In
addition, changing wording to avoid insoluble problems is a time-honored
tradition that really works. - Celeste.}
Ratings for "Bi Quad"
Athena (technical quality): 7 (choppy at times)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (based on believable actions)
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 9 (okay, groups & 'bi' stuff
get me hot!)
"Citation" by Unknown Author. Guest review by Piper.
I think the premise of this story falls under the heading of "don't try this
at home". Any guy who flashes a female police officer in the expectation of
receiving the same kind of treatment John gets from Officer Edwards deserves
his just reward - booking, conviction, a police record as a sexual deviant,
fine, probation, and possible jail time.
Lucky for John, Kate Edwards isn't a normal cop, and she has a really
well-developed sense of humor. She gives him a chance to get out of the
"public exposure" charge (or whatever it's called in your neck of the woods).
In her own words, "Until six tomorrow morning, you are going to be my slave.
If you do everything, EVERYTHING I tell you to do, and don't complain about
anything...I'll be happy and you'll be free. Fail to comply just once, or
complain the slightest bit...and I book you as a pervert. Deal?" At this
point, John is naked and secured both hand and foot to an empty bunk in an
empty basement cell in an old, abandoned police building. He agrees.
This story involves handcuffs, zap straps, whipped cream, a string of
pleasure balls, a small vibrator, an abandoned but still functional police
building, and a banana. Officer Edwards just happened to have all of the
above (except the building) in a bag in her patrol car (I wonder just what
kind of "emergency" these things could be used for). Being the curious
deviant I am, and having no personal experience in this area, I asked my two
friends about the practicality of using a peeled banana. After the laughter
died down and they quit smirking at each other, I got the following advice:
"Yeah, you can use a peeled banana. It's better if you leave the
skin on, though," said one.
"As long as you cut the rough bit off the end," said the other (they
spoke in turns, frequently interrupting one another).
"Peeled, they're kinda fragile, so you gotta be real careful. Bear
down too much, and you got banana puree."
"That's messy. But it's fun cleaning up." (More laughs and
knowing glances passed between them.)
So now I know that bananas, peeled or not, are usable phallic substitutes.
The story gained a little credibility, although it still remained well out
in the realm of fantasy.
Technically, this story has some problems. Most of them, I believe, are due
to the ravages of time. The story has been around for a long time. It's
been through the mill, bouncing around from BBS to archive, from system to
system, from editor to word processor, and has suffered the odd wound. While
I did find one or two spelling errors, most of the problems come from small
bits of missing prose. Something, somewhere, pruned a few words here, the
end of a sentence there, and the odd descriptive in between.
This is a pretty good story. It doesn't quite fit into the femdom category
because Officer Edwards doesn't abuse, mistreat, or humiliate her captive.
She merely teases him into having the best sex of his entire life. The
descriptions are hot. The sex is hotter. The ending is a foregone
conclusion about a quarter of the way through. An enjoyable fantasy for
anyone who's had lustful thoughts about our women in blue.
Ratings for "Citation"
Technical merit 8
Plot & character 9.5
Appeal to reviewer 9
"The Hotel Dinner" by Slowhand Luke (slowhand@dial.pipex.com). Guest review
by Mark Aster.
It's funny how some stories can, for no obvious reason, get away with things
that would feel like serious flaws in most stories. In Slowhand Luke's "The
Hotel Dinner", for instance, the back-story (who are these people and what
are they doing here?) is missing almost entirely (while at the same time it's
obvious that there IS a back-story that we aren't being told), there are an
annoying number of typos, the title is completely uninspired, and song
lyrics pop up here and there in the text (something I usually hate, but have
been known to do myself). Despite all this, I found it to be quite a good
story, and I recommend it.
The basic plot is pretty standard MFM; girl is out on a double date, but the
other girl doesn't show up, so the two guys take her back to the room and do
the Magic Sandwich Trick. But the atmosphere is richer than usual, the
suggestions (never QUITE played out) of an erotic relationship between the
men are nice and hot, the personalities are interesting. We get to wonder
who Ian is, and why Kate didn't show up, and for some reason not knowing is
arousing rather than annoying.
In extreme contrast to porn stories (like the "One Fine Day" that I recently
reviewed), this is erotica. The participants don't suddenly become mindless
sex machines at the first erotic touch; Sarah is uncertain, seduced,
gradually undressed, slowly and tenderly fucked. And the last few lines,
well I don't want to give it away even though it isn't exactly a surprise
ending, but the last few lines add a very effective "you mean good sex ISN'T
the answer to all our problems?" sort of feeling that isn't terribly common
on a.s.s.*.
I can't give more than an 8 for technical merit here ("stomache" more than
once, "bith" for "both", and a number of other distracting typos), but it
easily merits Celestial 10's for the other two numbers. Oh, and despite the
"erotic dp" in the codes-list, I found nothing about computers, keypunches,
or other data processing equipment in this story; is that false advertising?
<grin>
Ratings for "Hotel Dinner"
Athena (technical quality): 8 {Author has posted a proofread
revision - Celeste}
Venus (plot & character): 10
Aster (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Prom Date" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com). Guest review by BillyG.
A while back, as a consequence of the CDA, Ann Douglas' new stories were
available only by personal subscription and the price for that privilege was
feedback to Ann. I remembered that as I read this story, "Prom Date." This
is the first time I've commented on Ann's stories to anyone but Ann.
>From her stories and a position statement, we know that Ann is a professed
bi-sexual, although it has been my impression that she writes about same-sex
encounters with somewhat greater sensitivity and sensuousness. "Prom Date"
is an uncomplicated short story, more a scenario, that describes the
prototypical situation of the insensitive, selfish and almost brutish teenage
male who would use and degrade the young heroine. She, however, is made of
better stuff and chooses to walk home. Ten miles!
Enter the tender, suave, sophisticated, beautiful 'older woman' driving a
Corvette (no less). Had she changed the gender, I'd have fit right in.
Given the milieu, we can predict the unfolding and conclusion of this sweet
little story.
Ann's earlier stories might have benefited from a proof reading aloud.
Hearing a story read aloud helps uncover problems in rhythm and sound. For
example, the first sentence reads: "A full moon illuminated the dirt road as
Michelle walked down the dirt road." My mind asked if there was some special
significance to the dirt road, that it needed to be mentioned twice in the
opening sentence? It took a little while to realize it had no major
significance, but I'd been distracted with the thought for a brief while. A
couple of typos and another word repetition, while of no major impact, served
to burnish the luster a tiny bit. Yes, I guess I'm reduced to this rather
petty criticism, but there you have it.
For the readers who resonate with female, same-sex stories, you'll like this
one by Ann Douglas.
Ratings for "Prom Date"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9* {As a hopeless het, *I* wanted to
be the guy who rescued this ripe young thing and offered her
more than an alternative to a long walk home.
* "Tryout" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). Although I reviewed this
story fairly recently, I am reposting the review now, because the story is
currently making its way through the postings.
The reader immediately gets immersed in the action right from the start -
Jerry comes out of the shower, finds his wife already turned on from reading
a sexy magazine, starts fucking her, has her read the magazine out loud to
him, and then finishes her off. In her pre-Jerry life, Connie was interested
in other women; and Jerry has a liberal attitude in this regard: Be sure
she's clean, don't cut THEIR time together, and talk about it if the
attachment seems to be getting more than essentially physical. In other
words, Jerry "is able to remain sanguine in the face of Connie's sapphic
escapades." I'd say he goes beyond sanguine to just plain buoyant when he
joins the ladies himself. Read the story for details.
This is really hot stuff. It almost makes me suspect that the author
delights in the thought that maybe his readers will get turned on while they
read this story.
The only flaw in this story was that either Connie or Kim had nice
"aureoles." I guess Friar Dave wrote this story before my seminar on
areolas. However, because I learned some interesting things about sextoys, I
won't even dock him for his misspelling of the a-word.
Ratings for "Tryout"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com). Ann Douglas has
been reposting all her stories. I cannot review them all; but I DO recommend
that you check out as many of them as you can. I can't possibly post reviews
of all her stories here. {According to my count, Ann has written 56 stories
and I have reviewed 30 - all of them very favorably.} In honor of Ann's
reposting binge I am (1) reviewing a few more stories myself, (2) getting
guest reviewers for some others, and (3) reposting my reviews of a couple of
my favorites.
Note Ann's new address.
Cathy Donohue has a habit that helps her get through boring meetings: she
picks out someone in the crowd and has sexual fantasies about that person.
Imagine that! You don't think students do that to their teachers, do you?
Even worse - you don't think readers of these reviews would do that to this
reviewer, do you?
Anyway, Cathy is a member of the local PTA and she has a theory that the
initials actually stand for Pussy Tits and Ass. I myself once went to a
major PTA meeting wearing a tee-shirt that said, "PTA is in the middle of
temPTAtion!" I was advised to remove the shirt by an officer who is very
unlikely to be reading this review: "What if the newspapers take a picture of
you?" I was tempted to literally remove the shirt right then and there, but
saner heads prevailed.
In her secret life, Cathy Donohue is Anne O'Donnell, writer of erotic short
stories. Of course, the people of her community think of her as merely a
happy homemaker and helpful member of the community, not as a porn writer.
{This story is starting to strike too close to home.} Unfortunately, the
college kid who comes to fix her computer makes the connection between Cathy
and the Internet. Fortunately, he's a hunk.
Being a gentleman, Glen promises not to reveal Cathy's secret identity.
Being a lady, Cathy asks if there is anything she can do to repay him for
fixing her computer. Being a horny virgin, Glen asks her to write a story
for him. Being a horny non-virgin, she offers to go one better than that.
Being a sexually active person, I'm getting pretty horny myself at this
point. Being an English teacher, I'm pretty impressed with the parallel use
of participial phrases in this paragraph. That's it! If I concentrate on
the grammar I can make it through this story without having to do anything
about my more mundane urges.
OK. They're fucking now. Damn this is good stuff! I've got to do something
to help me finish this story. The grammar. Concentrate on the grammar. Oh
good, she said "eluding" when she meant "alludinig" - I mean alluding - I'm
going to make it - or should that be "illuding"? Damn! I'm not going to
make it after all. Maybe if I rub my pussy just a little while I finish this
review... I'll even keep my pants on.... This won't be hard.... Won't be
HARD! I've gotta watch what I say, but it's hard - I mean difficult - to
type with just one hand... Oh good, she said "...excuse as to why she stood
home." She's talking like Yogi Berra now. She meant "stayed home." Maybe
she shoulda slud. I'm starting to lose it.... It really won't hurt to take
my panties off.... Oh, Oh! Sabrina has found out that her son Glen fucked
Cathy; but now they're discussing how she found out. Encryption! That's
good; if they keep on discussing encryption I may even be able to put my
panties back on. No; they're already too wet. Oh, great! Sabrina knows
Cathy's secret identity, and she even made hard copies of her stories and
took them on the cruise with her and therefore she humped her husband with
renewed vigor each night and sometimes during the day. Oh shit! Now they're
discussing their sexual relationships with other women.... If they make love
to each other, I'm going to cum in my pants.... Except that I'm not wearing
any pants.... Would you believe my husband's at a meeting at church? I'm a
grown woman; I can take care of myself.... Good! She said "lay" instead of
"lie" but that doesn't help - too much sexual innuendo in the "L" words. Now
they're making love. I mean REALLY MKAING LOVE. OOOOH SHIIIIIT!!!!
This was an exceptionally good story. I strongly recommend it.
Ratings for "Crossing The Line"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Scarlett's Cove" by Ann Douglas (Anndouglas@aol.com). This story centers
around the visit of two friends to a Caribbean Club Med type resort that
caters to lesbians and bisexuals. Although both women are lesbians, they are
not habitual lovers - just friends. After some preliminary fun, Jeanette
finds that Arlene has entered her into a sort of charity bachelor auction -
the other women will bid to have Jeanette for their date for the evening. I
think I have told you enough about the story. It's a hot plot with hot sex.
I might add that Jeanette is a high school teacher and many of us often wish
we could touch our favorite students the way she does - but somebody might
take that comment the wrong way.
Ann writes many different kinds of stories, and I enjoy them all; but this
story is a good example of what Ann does best: an interesting and sexy plot
woven into an exotic environment embellished with accurate information about
varied cultures. In addition, the author enriches the narrative with sexy
flashbacks and side plots that heighten the tension and allure of the main
storyline.
As I have said many times before, although I suspect that all sensible women
would enjoy sexual activities like those described in this story, I myself
have never engaged in full genital lesbian or bisexual activity. However,
after reading this story, my defenses have begun to crumble. If by some
chance I would ever be bereaved of this wonderful guy that humps me on demand
like Mark Aster's studly hero and then found myself on an exotic Caribbean
island with a beautiful, rich former student who was professing her love for
me after purchasing me for an exorbitant price in a charity auction - well, I
might give it a thought. Hell, I think I'll give it a thought right now!
I'm reminded of the words of my daughter, who every year proclaims that "this
is my best birthday ever." This is the best story ever by Ann Douglas.
Ratings for "Scarlett's Cove"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (mrdouble@ix.netcom.com). The title
of this story is a setup. "Uncle Wally" is sort of baby-sitting for the
15-year-old neighbor girl, and she asks him if she should go all the way with
a guy at school. They discuss the matter and he describes one of his early
sexual experiences to her. Of course, the question in the mind of the reader
is whether Uncle Wally is going to hump Pepper. I'm not going to tell you
the answer to that one. If I did, there would be no dramatic tension left in
the story. I will tell you, however, that THE difficult question is one that
I have not yet mentioned. This is a very good story. I especially enjoyed
the natural language and the plausible yet sexy plot development.
This author is an enthusiastic user of my volunteer proofreading service.
The author assures me that this story became substantially better because of
the proofreading process. I encourage other authors to take advantage of
this or a similar service, if they are not already doing so.
Ratings for "A Difficult Question"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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