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Subject: Celeste's Top 20 Stories - July 1997
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Celeste's Top 20 Stories - July 1997

{When I originally posted this on August 1, I left out the review of Taria's
"Soft Ball."  Not only was that a good story, but my review contained an
interesting discussion of the F-word.  In addition, I misspelled the name of
the author of my Number 1 story. So here's the whole thing.}

Note:  Because of the increased number of reviews made possible by guest
reviewers I have found it necessary to expand to a Top _20_ List each month.
 Even with this increased number of stories, it was very difficult to limit
this list to only 20 this month.  Some excellent stories missed the list.

Note that even though guest reviewers write the posted reviews of some of
these stories, I read any story that I think may be eligible for a monthly or
annual award.  I personally take responsibility {and blame} for these lists.
 If someone else wants to publish an alternate list of awards, that's fine
with me.

Second Note:  Since many readers would like to read the top stories for each
month, I would appreciate it if authors would repost as many of these stories
as possible.  You may wish to repost the stories in
alt.sex.stories.moderated, as well as in alt.sex.stories.  If you wish, you
can label them as Celeste's #x for July: Name of Story.

Third Note:  I have had great success finding these stories on the World Wide
Web by using the Deja News Server (www.dejanews.com).  In addition, most of
these stories have been posted and archived through
alt.sex.stories.moderated.  You can even find past issues of my reviews
through these services.

Final Note: Guest reviews have been helpful, but they introduce problems for
the monthly and annual lists.  I am confident that I am handling the fairness
issue by reading any apparently eligible story myself.  However, when I
reprint the reviews in a Top List, I need to differentiate between what I am
saying and what someone else is saying.  To accomplish this, I have simply
labeled "Guest Reviews" as such.

- Celeste

Here's this month's Top 20 List:

1.  "Conventional Sex" by theGreatxIam
2.  "Southern Hospitality" by Rhett Dreams
3.  "Tryout" by Friar Dave 
4.  "Hell Hath No Fury" by Darkside
5.  "Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt
6.  "Soft Ball or My Best Position" by Taria
7.  "The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica
            Ahsmacker" by Tom Bombadil
8.  "Correspondence" by Taria
9.  "Sacrament" by Gwydion
10.  "Remembering the Sting" by Renae Nicks
11.  "As the Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards
12.  "The Same Time Next Year" by Tom
13.  "When the Angel Smiles" by Hawk Richards
14.  "Mariya" by Luis Woolsbury
15.  "The United Way" by Mike Hunt
16.  "Art Class" by Mike Hunt
17.  "The Sarabande and the Six Iron" by Mat Twassel
18.  "Special Delivery" by Ann Douglas
19.  "Brisco County: Brass Balls" by Shelby Bush
20.  "Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM

Here are the original reviews in alphabetical order:

"Art Class" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com).  Roberta is the lady who is the
most fun in the art class.  One day she bets Mike Hunt that she can give the
male model an erection by standing close to him and letting him look down her
cleavage - and she loses.  To avoid another loss, she agrees to share a solo
nearly-nude modeling session with Mike Hunt, who demonstrates the value of
unilateral disarmament.  As you may have surmised by now, sometimes it's hard
to describe the plots of this author's stories without giving away too many
details.  Let's just say that some of the things art students have to draw
are hard.

This story is more cute and seductive than outright sexy.  I like that sort
of thing once in a while.

Incidentally, you'll notice that the author has a new name.  It seems that
AOL has a person whose job it is to look for obscene names - just as most
states have a person who looks for and eliminates obscene license plates.  I
guess Mike had them fooled for a while with that number 1 in his name, but
AOL finally figured out that there was a hidden meaning behind M1keHunt.

"The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker" by Tom Bombadil
(mrdouble@ix.netcom.com).  This is a sexually explicit version of a
cliffhanger - one of those media productions that used to exist as television
serials and which one can still find on the cartoon channel on cable TV.
 This episode begins with Angelica Ahsmacker and her faithful sidekick, Tiny
Silvertongue, hanging over a cliff.  Not really, of course.  Angelica is
actually tied to a log and about to be bisected laterally by a buzz saw.  As
the author puts it: "It was a race between the awful arms of that molestation
machine and the terrible teeth of that spinning saw to see which would be the
first to delve deep into the defenseless damsel's dampening divinity."

I enjoy this sort of thing immensely.  This author is creative in both his
plot development and in his use of language.  {I enjoy cunning linguists.}
 If you like humor and alliteration with your sex, you'll enjoy this story.

"As the Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards (heminway@epix.net) Guest review by
Mike Hunt.

A week ago I wrote a review of Hawk Richards' "As the Paige Turns." And I
slammed it pretty good. I even noted that Celeste had given him low marks on
an earlier story and he had revised it and gotten all 10's on the revision.
That showed me that he cares about his work, and I urged him to revise
"Paige."

The sonofabitch went and did it. And he did it again. It's a great story now,
certainly worth 10's, and I highly recommend it.

The story still revolves around a lady psychiatrist who helps a client
through his modem fetish and along the line discloses her own fascination
with the stories in the <alt.sex.stories> newsgroups. And while there's no
graphic on-screen copulating or masturbating or blowulating, it's still sexy;
it's still a quick read, and it's now quite worth your while. The typos are
gone, the logic is logical, the story is fun!

One reviewer's disclosure: he mentions me in the story. That's a nice stroke,
but I wouldn't change my opinion just for that. Another disclosure: he's
stealing my fucking format, and has added closing remarks that dropped me to
the floor with laughter.

Any author who can write a sexy story AND make you laugh at the same time is,
uh, probably a mope. Take it from me. But a funny mope, and maybe one who
shows a helluva lot of promise. Read "As the Paige Turns (Revised)". It's a
goodie.

"Brisco County: Brass Balls" by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com).  Brisco
County is not a place; it's the name of a main character in a weekly
television show that ran in America a few years ago.  It was a pretty good
show that didn't catch on, and it died after just one season.  As he does
with his other Porno TV stories, the author supplies further details about
the show during a "commercial break."  This story overlaps slightly with the
author's recent "Maverick" and "Have Gun, Will Travel" stories.  Finally, the
story includes a science fiction element (the orb) from the "Brisco County"
series.  Although I was not familiar with this concept myself, it made
perfect sense to me, and I thought the author used the orb very creatively in
this story.  Although this story appears to remain faithful to the original
series, I think even people who have never seen that show can enjoy this one.

Brisco and Bowler are bounty hunters, experiencing adventures while they try
to get their man in the western U.S. in the 1890's.  This story follows the
series pattern: a main storyline with numerous subplots.  It diverges from
the TV series in that some of the subplots include explicit sex. In addition,
this story contains one sentence that must have been spoken many a time in
the Wild West but has never appeared in any TV western:  "I need to take a
whiz."

I am not going to try to summarize the story any further here.  I'll just
point out that if you call this a sex story, the emphasis should be more on
story than on sex.  The sex, when it occurs, is very good, and it fits in
nicely with the plot.

"Conventional Sex" by theGreatxIam.  The best thing about this sex story is
that it is much more story than sex, but it's still a great sex story.  The
narrator is an 8th-grader in a Catholic school of the 60's.  His hormones
have begun to emerge, and he is interested in shedding his image of class
geek.  He resorts to pulling a prank on the nuns.  He and his friend pull a
commando raid into the convent, and it goes awry.  His friend is caught, and
the narrator finds himself in the cell of a naked nun. And a very beautiful
naked nun at that.  She becomes his ally and tries to help him escape, but
this effort is thwarted by the pastor's two lean Dobermans.

Returning to the safety of the nun's room, the boy recognizes in the naked
nun some basic elements of anatomy that he has seen only in Playboy magazine.
 In short, he has now seen as much of Sister Juliet as he has ever seen of
any woman, even on paper. Good Golly, Sister Molly!  Alas, the poor lad has
no means of egress and is essentially cloistered in close quarters with a
naked and nubile nun.  Well, they don't cover this sort of thing in nun
school, and there is no patron saint whose job is to watch over oversexed
teenagers putting the moves on nuns.

To put it succinctly, the boy becomes attracted to more than the nape of the
neck of the naked and nubile nun and they fuck happily and harmoniously
throughout the night.  If you can set aside the rather tenuous assumption
that the two nasty neophytes are on their way to eternal perdition, you will
find the sex to be passionate and arousing.  Except for an age difference
that once was the topic of an algebra problem on the SAT (Sister Juliet was
one year short of being twice as old as her young lover, who was twelve years
younger than she....), this young nun is in essentially the same position as
Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music."  My rather non-tenuous assumption is
that once a nun falls off the boat, she might as well fall way off the boat -
and maybe even learn to swim.

As a former Catholic school student, I enjoyed this story immensely.

And so the Seven Dwarfs stayed overnight at a convent near a wildlife
preserve.  The next morning, the committee of six sent a representative to
the mother superior to ask if there were any nuns who were under three feet
tall.  When the reply was negative, these six began chanting, "Grumpy fucked
a penguin, Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

"Correspondence" by Taria (Taria29c@aol.com).  Tari has gone away to college,
and so has her friend Kathy.  These letters from Tari to Kathy summarize her
sexual growth during her college years.

If you have ever read someone else's personal letters, you know how
interesting (or how boring!) this can be.  The letters are more interesting
if the writer is spontaneous and honest, and those words describe Tari in
this story.  There's really not much else I can tell you about this story,
except that I think you'll enjoy it.  I know I did.

At first I found this story to be a "difficult read," because the style was
jerky and there were some punctuation problems; but then I realized that the
author was trying to imitate the style of an undergrad who was hurriedly
writing her private thoughts to her best friend.  After the first two
letters, I got used to the style and enjoyed the rest of the story immensely.

"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (mrm1ke@aol.com).  Like this author's stories
themselves, my reviews of them should be read out loud, or at least very
loudly in silence, in order to get full impact from them.  With that in mind,
I ask you, which would be a more clever title "Fucking Celeste by Mike Hunt"
or "Fucking Mike Hunt by Celeste"?

The title is deliberately ambiguous.  My Unabridged Random House dictionary
gives the accurate definition of the first word of the title, which would
properly be paraphrased as the mumbled phrase "Confounded Celeste!" This
title takes on a second meaning when Mike visits his nephew's teacher and is
forced into a compromising position that cannot be resolved without full
vaginal penetration of a person alleged to be Yours Truly.  As if that pun is
not enough, the author adduces a theory that the Blowjob Principle is a
misspelling for an activity that Celeste performs for the person who
administers her school.

This is a very good story, but the disclaimer is not as creative as some that
I have seen.  In addition, I should point out that Mike has been spearheading
<g> an attempt to improve my system of guest reviewers.  {This may sound like
matter for a "note," but stay with me on this one.}  Mike's fundamental
assertion is that he feels the authors should use their regular pseudonyms
when writing their guest reviews, because this will enable both readers and
the persons whose stories are being reviewed to make better use of any
criticism contained in the reviews.  Mike's point is well taken, and I have
adopted a policy of allowing authors to stick with their regular names if
they insist, even though I continue to advise an "alternate pseudonym."

My reason for advising this practice is that I seriously believe that using
the same name would _for many authors_  cause undesirable pressures that
would weaken either their reviews or their stories.

Indeed, I'm not sure how much can be gained by knowing that So-and-So is the
author of both a specific story and a specific review.  As someone else has
pointed out to me, it is by no means true that the best authors are likely to
be the best reviewers.  Authors tend to be specialists who are intensely
involved in an area of expertise, whereas reviewing requires a more
generalized interest or expertise and an ability to look at a story more
objectively.  {As I said, stay with me.... There's a punchline coming up.}
 I'll grant that some people can be both good reviewers and good authors, but
I wouldn't count on it; and I think that for many of us the absence of
anonymity would reduce our objectivity.  I think it makes more sense to look
at, say, Piper's reviews for several weeks and to form an opinion about
his/her insight than to start from the assumption that because Piper writes
good stories his/her reviews must be good.

Let me use myself as an example.  I think I write good reviews, and I think I
am CAPABLE of writing good stories.  I have posted only one story ("Virtuous
Reality"), and I really felt uncomfortable doing so.  I had such thoughts as
these: How can I expect people to continue listening to my advice when I am
probably going to screw this story up?  Won't people be extremely harsh in
evaluating my story, since I have been critical of so many stories myself?
 Won't people have less respect for my reviews if my story really sucks?
 Etc.  I guess I could "just get over it," but these were real concerns to
me, and I think numerous other potential reviewers would have similar
reactions.  This is why I recommend the alternate pseudonym.

Of course, it should be obvious to you that I could solve this problem simply
by posting my stories under a different name.  Indeed, perhaps I have already
done so!  One correspondent has suggested that the anonymity of AOL would
make it possible for Danielle Steele to act out her fantasies by pretending
to be an English teacher who writes reviews for this newsgroup.  How can
anyone really prove this is not the case?  Well, actually Danielle does not
write or think very much like me.  Who does?  There's only one person that I
can think of.

The only reasonable answer is that I am really Mike Hunt.  {In case you
missed it, the previous sentence was the punchline.}

Think about it.  On a.s.s.d. I was recently accused of having a sophomoric
sense of humor.  What more need I say?  I have just reviewed a story by Mike
Hunt entitled "Fucking Celeste" in which Mike Hunt is pressed up against a
sexy teacher in a closet at the Sadley Virgin School.  Hmmm.... Maybe I have
overstated the case a little.  As I said earlier in this review, I can write
better puns than those.  But if I were Mike Hunt or were Mike Hunt I, then
this story could be entitled "Fucking Myself!"  That's the sort of humor that
both Mike and I would be proud of.  

Here's further evidence - I claim that both my husband and I are heterosexual
and monogamous, but I admit that my husband regularly fucks my cunt.  {Get
it?  Mike Hunt - my cunt!  See the pattern yet?}

And besides, I can't be Plainman, because he writes much better than either
Mike or I. 

Here are two of my favorite excerpts from the story: 

"I lowered my fly and withdrew my cock. Sticking straight out, it made
closing the door impossible." {Ouch!  He must have really wanted to keep that
door open!} 

"He {the nephew who has been boinking the girl in the supply closet} needs a
little help. His technique is very amateurish." {It would have been more fun
to say "His technique is ALSO very amateurish."  You have to read this in
context, I guess; but the ALSO would be intended to mean that both the kid's
technique and his knowledge were amateurish or that both the kid's and Mike's
techniques were amateurish. In fact, this line PROVES that this story is a
fraud.  The real Celeste would never miss an opportunity for an enigmatic
provocation of Mike Hunt.}

All goofy remarks aside, this is another very good story.  I appreciate the
tribute and accept it in the spirit in which it was intended.

"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (mrm1ke@aol.com).  Guest Review by Fiddler.
 This story has two Mike Hunts.  M1ke Hunt is an author who complains about
"fucking Celeste" because he thinks her reviews have been insufficiently
laudatory.  He fears that she might even assign his next story to a guest
reviewer.  To work off his frustration, he writes a story about a character
named Mike Hunt who visits his nephew's teacher in lieu of the boy's mother
who has been unavoidably delayed.

Since the identity of the teacher was telegraphed in the title, I'll let you
read the story to find how Mike gets from the present participle to the
gerund.  You definitely should read it.  If you are already a M*ke Hunt fan,
you'll be pleased that he no longer uses those weird high-ascii marks.

He should learn, however, that the Bureau of Labor Statistics collects
unemployment data from the Current Population Survey of households, rather
than from unemployment insurance records.  {Good Point! - Celeste; Fucking
Fiddler - Mike Hunt.}

"Hell Hath No Fury" by Darkside.  Guest review by Green Onions.

A driver has a flat tire on a lonely road. Spare to change? Sorry, none in
the trunk. Night falls on the man without a plan.

The stars blink brightly in the clear black sky as his chances of surviving
begin to flicker out. Snow appears. Lost and alone, he waits for the end of
his life in the white darkness.

And yet when all optimism seems to have faded into the freezing wilderness
there emerges (from behind a hidden chorus of weeping violins) a vision of
hope that flies gracefully across the horizon of his dimming consciousness,
singing its mystical song, ready to deftly snatch the hapless wayfarer from
the drooling unflossed Jaws of Death.

Is it a bird? A plane? An optical illusion? No--it's Florence Nightingale:
_after_ she graduated from medical school.

And so not a moment too soon is the Grim Reaper's task interrupted by the
talents of a skilled, sensitive, tall, brilliant, blue-eyed, lithe busty rich
young female physician with near-perfect abs.

She first asks the nurse to check his insurance. Then she saves his life.

And so the dream continues. They fall for each other; he proposes to her.
Their engagement progresses like clockwork to the final misty moment as
family, friends, and myriad onlookers gather to witness the anticipated
instant when he will place the golden ring of their sacred unity upon her
willing finger.

It seems that all is right with the world. Surely they will love out their
lives in an era of peace, happiness, hot sex, low taxes, and white picket
fences.

Well, as one of Douglas Adam's characters once said in _The Hitchhiker's
Guide to the Galaxy_: "Sorry, wrong universe!"

As the sun beats down on the expectant crowd he explains that he does not
love her and cannot marry her. Her parents are glaring hatefully, she is
sobbing pitifully and he is shrugging philosophically. Better luck next time.

Or better sense, perhaps. Because the Doctor was a dream and he needs someone
real. Not a vision but a spouse. Not a fantasy, but flesh and soul. And after
two long years he finds and marries her with little hesitation. The second
time is indeed the charm--even if her stomach isn't quite as flat, she is
still young and attractive, affectionate, smart, tall and slim.

But what of his first love, of the brilliant blue-eyed shapely svelte angel
of the steel table who had saved his life, savored his love, and was
jilted--indeed brutally humiliated--in front of her friends and family?

Hell, if you thought biblical characters tend to suffer more than others for
spurning the affections of the smooth-faced gender, read this story and think
again!

And what could be a more fitting punishment for an ungrateful insensitive,
thoughtless and callously cruel male jerk than to be forced to suffer the
indignities of _becoming_ a woman? His fate will not be limited to the
experience of being in a female body, but will also include the
transformation of his mind.

Yes, She will have her way with him. She will make his dream into her
nightmare. And in more than one respect.

This is not an ordinary TG (trans-gender) piece, nor is it a classic sex
story or a typical tale of revenge, mystery--yes there is a
murder--cumuppance (gee, did I misspell that?), or even an ironic, slightly
humorous psychological sci-fi erotic thriller. It's all of those bound
together with a tight plot and topped off with a tempting smorgasbord of
diverse sexual blandishments.

In case you thought I might be blowing my load prematurely, I should also
point out that this piece could be even better if the author diverged from
some typical tendencies of erotica and romance writers (including most a.s.s.
contributors). For starters I might occasionally prefer to see characters in
longer stories developed with a third dimension--the sorts of accents,
nuances, habits, hobbies, mannerisms, peculiarities and idiosyncrasies that
we typically observe in real people. Such details can often be worked into
plots with little effort.

While Darkside's prose is better than most, I also sometimes wish a.s.s.
writers would pause more often to allow their readers to "smell the roses"
(or hear the cadences) of their phrases and the rhythm of their sentences.
Words can do more than convey information.

And although I am often at odds with the well-worshipped deity who is hosting
this review, she and I agree on one thing: maybe there is room for
protagonists whose bodies are not quite so heavenly. If one goal of erotica
is to help us appreciate love and sexuality, then perhaps a.s.s. authors
could provide us with a few (especially female) characters now and then who
just happen to fall short of certain popular physical ideals.

Yet I quibble . . . this is an _excellent_ novella. Read it.

"Mariya" by Luis Woolsbury (Luis_Woolsbury@hotmail.com).  Guest review by
Figment.

This is not a "sex story" per se. That is, if you want to read a lot of dirty
words, don't go here. "Mariya" touches the heart more than any other part of
the body.

The narrator is a thirtysomething professional who finds himself falling for
a girl who rides his bus. The girl, Mariya, is young - she's in junior high
or high school (the narrator doesn't ask, and he isn't good at guessing
ages), and she's an immigrant from Belarus. She leads a sheltered life until
the narrator takes her under his wing. He takes her out for lunch; he takes
her to a movie; he takes her shopping for clothes her mother can't afford;
and finally, he takes her virginity.

I won't say more about the plot - you should read the story for it. "Mariya"
is an impressive work of fiction. It actually evokes emotion. Again, though,
don't read it if you just want something to masturbate to. There's a very sad
undertone to the whole story; the author sets it up from the beginning, when
the narrator first sees Mariya waiting for the bus in the gloomy weather. The
narrator seems to really regret what happens between him and Mariya - not
because making love to a girl so young is wrong by society's standards; but
because the two of them genuinely do love one another, and it's apparent from
square one  that Mariya's age (and her ethnicity) will prevent the couple
from living  happily ever after.

This story is sad, but it isn't depressing - merely touching. The sex  _is_
well-written - it's very realistic; and you don't feel like you're  reading
your typical nasty-pedophile-fucks-little-girl-and-she-likes-it  story. In
fact, you don't feel like you're reading anything "wrong." The  way the
author has set the story up, you understand why the narrator is  having sex
with Mariya; only the most hardcore Christian Coalitionist  would label the
narrator a pervert. Anyone else'd just say he was in  love.

"The Same Time Next Year" by Tom (laddie@anon.nymserver.com).  The idea for
this story came from the movie starring Ellen Burstyn and Alan Alda, in which
the two main characters arranged to meet each other for an annual romantic
tryst at a remote Northern California coast resort between the years 1955 and
1977.

The author's storytelling technique is excellent.  He plunges us into a sexy
scene in the middle of the story, then fills us in on the background details,
and then moves to the end of the story.  Of course, one should not dangle
one's modifiers: "Even without cleavage, I realized that I was sexually
attracted to her."  That sentence says that the speaker (Tom) is the one sans
cleavage, but the deficiency actually describes Cinda.  That lapse aside,
this is an excellent story: lots of character development, a well-structured
plot, and hot sex.

As the author points out, this story begs the question of the potential harm
to others caused by marital affairs.  In this story, he says, the infidelity
of the main characters is not a betrayal of a spouse, but is rather an act of
self expression. Yeah, right!  Look that one up in The Sophist's Dictionary.
 I think what he means is that this sounds like fun, but real life is
sometimes less idyllic.

It's been about a year since Tom posted his other two stories: "Birthday
Surprise" and "Thanksgiving."  I hope we don't have to wait until the same
time next year for another story!

"Remembering the Sting" by Renae Nicks (RenaeNicks@aol.coom). This is the
story of Renae's first sexual experience.  It's one of those rare "true"
stories that is both interesting, sexy, and apparently true.  Renae and Mark
met in a college course - in fact, it was a biology course, and the professor
was lecturing on human sexual reproduction.  They grew closer and closer and
finally made love.  That's about all there is to it, but the author makes it
seem a lot more interesting.

"Sacrament" by Gwydion (gwydion@writeme.com).  This story came across like
one of those foreign movies I used to watch when I was in college: It wasn't
what I would call enjoyable, but I knew it was good.  But I couldn't say why.

The gist of the story is that a woman who is a maid in a hotel has a serious
guilt problem; and she's working hard at suppressing her sexuality, which she
considers to be the root of her sinfulness.  One of the guests at the hotel
is a former priest - not only an ex-priest, but a depraved ex-priest who has
his waste basket filled with filthy pictures of men abusing women.  The
former priest counsels the woman, and in a sort of sacramental sexual
ceremony he helps her atone for her sins.  The experience rejuvenates her -
and him.

The story is reminiscent of a Graham Greene novel - the old whisky priest
theme from "The Power and the Glory." This story is not jerkoff material, but
it seems reasonable to believe that serious stories have a place on this
newsgroup.

I have frequently maintained that the bdsm stories don't ring true to me,
because I find it hard to understand how a person can express love for
another by being deliberately cruel.  I have also often stated that from my
own background the closest thing to extreme bdsm as a form of love is the
theological insight that God somehow redeems people by making them suffer.
 One of the great Catholic classics is the medieval "Imitation of Christ,"
and it focuses on this theme.  Priests still preach this insight from the
pulpits, and I think these priests are generally full of crap.  The same
theme runs through many of the American Puritan literary classics (e.g., "The
Scarlet Letter") as well as the literature of many nations and cultures.  I
personally reject that concept of God, but I'm sure many readers of these
reviews will find it to be familiar.  These readers (and these preachers) may
be right, and I may be wrong.  What this author does is make a little more
explicit than most authors the relationship between religion and certain
sexual activities as a form of purification.  

I have a friend who acknowledges that "Schindler's List" is probably a great
movie; but she has no intention of seeing it, because she "has enough
problems in her own life without watching a movie that dwells on man's
cruelty to man."  I'm sure she wouldn't be interested in this story either.
 If you feel that way, you might want to skip this story.  Read something
frivolous and uplifting like my own "Virtuous Reality." 

This story made me feel uncomfortable, but it was still an excellent story.

"Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com.).  Sam is, among
other things, a sidesman at his church. Forced to take the train home from
work, he finds himself in a surrealistic world of sperm-berpers and perky
DoubleTeamingTeens doing it doggie-style.  Sam tries to reason with the juicy
teens, but the perverted sex-vixens seem to have run amuck - er, amok - er,
amuck, I guess. To put it bluntly, they just plain love to fuck & suck and
talk dirty on the phone.

You see, what Bronwen has done is compose a coherent story using as many spam
lines from a.s.s. and a.s.s.d. as possible.  It's really cute! He should
receive a Well Deserved Spanking from Bare-Bottomed Schoolgirls.  Pics at
Eleven.

"The Sarabande and the Six Iron" by Mat Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com).  In
classical music the sarabande is a slow, stately part of a suite, often
following a courante.  A six iron is something that golfers use - between a
five iron and a seven iron, I suppose.

"You can't practice piano forever. Sometimes you have to pee."  That
introductory line is much more creative than, "It was a dark and stormy
night."  That line also represents a recurrent theme: later on we find out
that you can't drive forever either: sometimes you have to pee.

However, this is not a watersport story.  Rather, this story describes a
brief part of the odyssey of the beautiful, young, and talented Tammy
Jondelle and Milton Cumbee, a quiet, black sixteen-year-old who thinks deep
thoughts but says he doesn't like music, as they travel from Tammy's
southside apartment in Who Knows Where to somewhere in Omaha.  I guess I
forgot to mention that Tammy is wearing no panties, because she left them on
the roof of Milton's truck along with the cactus box because the roof was so
hot that it burned her feet after she jumped onto it when Milton asked her
for help while she was trying to masturbate after taking a pee because you
have to do that sometimes, which is why you can't practice the piano forever,
which is a recurring theme in this story.

You really should read this story yourself.  This author is one of those
people who think that sexuality is more charming and enticing if it remains
quietly in the background.  This was a very nice, gently sexy story.

"Soft Ball or My Best Position" by Taria (Taria29c@aol.com).  Guest review by
Cellist.  Neither Fiddler nor Piper were available for this review, so
Celeste turned it over to me, Cellist.  The story is about a sexy young lady
who plays second-base on a coed softball team.  I have played second bass in
the past, but now I play cello. 

The story takes place in the romantic environment of a sweaty softball game.
 One day a sorta cute guy shows up as a substitute, but he wants to play
second base, which position is already taken by the narrator, as I have said.
 His name is Mike Hunter, but with some modification of the name he hopes
some day to become a short story writer of sorts. I guess I should stop
beating around the bush and come out and say it:  this is a parody of a Mike
Hunt sex story. As a result of some incredible coincidences Mike and the
young female baseball enthusiast have to shower together; and as fate would
have it, they fuck their mutual brains out.

Fuck!  Now there's an interesting word. It's a word redolent of baseball
imagery.  That's why Taria chose this scenario for her story.  In a story
about softball this word and its immediate derivatives can express any of the
following:

    Greetings      How the fuck are you?
    Immensity   Look at the size of that mother on first base.  {fucker
understood}
    Insignificance    That little fucker can't hit for shit.
    Dismay         Safe? The fuck he was!
    Trouble        Well, I guess we're fucked now.
    Aggression    Fuck you! {brings automatic ejection and a fine}.
    Safety           Don't fuck with the big mother on first base.
    Disgust          Fucking Celeste!  This review is stupid!
    Confusion      Where the fuck is the ball?
    Synonym for "very"   This story is fucking good.
    Difficulty       I don't understand this fucking game.
    Despair          "Fucked Again by Celeste" by Mike Hunt.
    Argumentation   You goddam motherfucking son-of-a-bitch cocksucker! {And
I don't like you either!}
    Fraud           I got fucked by the umpire on the third strike.
    Incompetence     The umpire fucked up again.
    Distraction     He was fucking with a fan behind the dugout.
    Displeasure    What the fuck is going on here?
    Disbelief         That was an unbefuckinglieveable call!
    Disbelief, dismay, confusion, etc.    Fuck!  What's my wife doing in this
bar?
    Inevitable defeat   We're fucked!  {because the other team is fucking
good!}
    Retaliation      Up your fucking ass! {automatic ejection and fine}.
    Paradoxical impossibility   The umpire can go fuck himself! {But how?}
    Telling time    The game didn't start till 8-fucking-o'clock.
    Physics     I can't hit the fucking curve ball.
    Maternal instinct--  Goddam motherfucker! {automatic ejection and fine}.
   Sexuality    Holy fuck!  Where did you learn to do that?

Taria's best use of the F-word is her double-entendre reference to Mr. Hunter
as a "pretty sneaky fuck."  On the downside, her most serious faux pas was
saying that Mike gave her cunt the two-finger Boy Scout salute: the Boy Scout
use three fingers - ask a girl scout (obviously, because their salute is with
three fingers also.) Taria doesn't write quite like Mike Hunt, but who does?
 This is both an excellent parody and a superb story in its own right.

Ratings for "Soft Ball"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Southern Hospitality" by Rhett Dreams (Rhettxxoo@aol.com). Guest review by
Purple Shade.

>From the time twenty-five year old Bethany Albert is pulled over on a
Mississippi road by County Sheriff Paul Trent, until the stories conclusion
some 45,000 words later, the reader is enthralled in a crime and sex drama
involving, murder, rape, white slavery, auto theft and political
incorrectness.   

At first glance, the sheer size of this particular story might make the
average reader pause, but I implore you to take the time and read it.
 Involving elements of the two novels "Red Dragon" and "Silence of the
Lambs." by Thomas Harris, this story would make a great paperback in its own
right.  This is an example of the finest kind of erotic story -- one which
you would still be interested in reading if you cut out all the sex parts.
What's left is a damn fine story.  Definitely destined to be one of the
year's best.

"Special Delivery" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net).  Practical problems
arise as society becomes more egalitarian.  As the American armed forces have
become sexually more integrated, the logistics people have to worry about
where the women will take showers on aircraft carriers.  Likewise, baseball
players have to shower differently when female reporters swarm into their
locker rooms.  This story presents Amy Choi, a 36-year-old Korean-American
businesswoman who has won a raffle at an "old boys" gathering of businessmen.
 The surprise is a gift certificate from the Special Delivery Escort Service.

And so Amy is stuck with the prospect of sharing a fantasy evening with a man
she has  never met - a man who wants nothing more than to bring her pleasure.
 Bummer!  The fantasy casts her into the role of the seducer of Tyree, the
young, black "delivery boy" who brings Amy her special delivery package.  The
sex is realistic, friendly, and hot. I'm so jaded or sophisticated or
something that I guessed the surprise ending halfway through the story; but I
still enjoyed watching it unfold.  If you're a little more naive, you may be
surprised and enjoy this story even more than I did.

"Tryout" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com).  The reader immediately gets
immersed in the action right from the start - Jerry comes out of the shower,
finds his wife already turned on from reading a sexy magazine, starts fucking
her, has her read the magazine out loud to him, and then finishes her off.
 In her pre-Jerry life, Connie was interested in other women; and Jerry has a
liberal attitude in this regard: Be sure she's clean, don't cut THEIR time
together, and talk about it if the attachment seems to be getting more than
essentially physical.  In other words, Jerry "is able to remain sanguine in
the face of Connie's sapphic escapades."  I'd say he goes beyond sanguine to
just plain buoyant when he joins the ladies himself.  Read the story for
details.

This is really hot stuff.  It almost makes me suspect that the author
delights in the thought that maybe his readers will get turned on while they
read this story.

The only flaw in this story was that either Connie or Kim had nice
"aureoles."  I guess Friar Dave wrote this story before my seminar on
areolas.  However, because I learned some interesting things about sextoys, I
won't even dock him for his misspelling of the a-word.

"The United Way" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com).  Pete and Mary want to have a
baby, but they can't.  To put it delicately, Pete's gun works, but it shoots
blanks.  Actually, most stories on this newsgroup take non-pregnancy as a
given, but this one uses it as a setup.  Well, says I, what can Mike Hunt do
to help Pete and Mary get pregnant in a story entitled "The United Way"?

Yep, it's just as you thought. Mike jerks off in a cup, gives the sperm to
them, and they apply it. No doctors, no hospital, no lab tests. Just
neighbors helping neighbors. Sort of like the United Way.  What did you
expect?

But alas, a more direct approach becomes necessary, but things still are not
as simple as you might think.  You can read the story for the details.

By the way, I hear NBC is planning to do "Hunter" reruns this fall.

"When the Angel Smiles" by Hawk Richards (heminway@epix.net). When this
author originally posted this story, I gave it ratings of 7-6-8 and said that
it contained numerous distracting errors that could easily be eliminated.
 The author has done a masterful job of revising this story.  Not only are
the errors gone, but the plot has been substantially revised to clean up the
logic and emotions.

Charlie is a decrepit old man who seems to be on his way home to die.  He
meets a young woman who gives him a hand-job on the plane, and then she stays
overnight at his hotel and makes tender love to him.  The second half of the
story consists mostly of flashbacks to Charlie's earlier love life as he
prepares to meet his maker. 

The angel in the title refers to young girls who have appeared to be angelic
at various times like these in Charlie's life.  

This is a difficult story to rate - but only because I can't give anything
higher than straight 10's.  It deserves very high ratings, because it is
among the best stories I have read recently.  On the other hand, there is
still slight room for improvement.  The remaining problem is that too much is
left to the reader's imagination at the end of the story.  I don't think the
author wants to write a morality tale, and so he wants the ending to be
deliberately vague.  I respect a certain level of ambiguity; but on the other
hand, as I read the last lines, I found myself saying, "What the hell
happened here?"  When I looked back, I still wasn't sure.  Maybe I'm wrong.
 I've been known to say the same things about James Joyce.  If you read the
story (and I think you'll enjoy doing so), maybe you should drop the author a
line and tell him what YOU think.


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