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Subject: Repost TG: Attack of the Big-Buxomed Bikinied Bimbos! by Keith Morrison (1/1)
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Hi.
Do you remember `Mars Attacks'? Well, then you know were Tim Burton
got his ideas :).
As usual I DIDN'T write this story and haven't any claim on it. If
you have some usefull hints or some good coments, your mail is then
welcome. Flames, you know, they will be piped to /dev/null.
If you are an author and wish to remain anonymouns or just try to
avoid the replies to your work. I offer you the chance of posting your
stories and collecting the response for you. This offer only stands for
story postings and for nothing else.
Enjoy the story.
Ciao
Nostrumo
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> cut here with a sharp knife <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Attack of the Big-Buxomed Bikinied Bimbos!
by Keith Morrison
WARNING!
The following contains language, images, phrases, words, parables,
humor, non-humor, alleged humor, syntax and punctuation that some
may find offensive. Reader discretion is advised.
The following is a work fiction. Any resemblance to any person,
living or dead, is purely coincidental unless I thought putting a
real or semi-real person in was funny at the time. All characters
who I have blatantly acquired, borrowed or otherwise stolen are
copywrite of their respective owners who, being much wealthier
than I am, would not want to waste their time suing a poor person.
No keyboards or diskettes were mistreated during the making of
this story. Well okay, there was this one 3.5" but it had been
formatted for an Amiga 1000 and didn't have the second hole and my
computer wouldn't recognize it and I didn't have another one handy
at the time so I got really ticked and broke it in half but it was
an Amiga diskette anyway so, like, who cares?
This story is copywrited by me. No unauthorized retransmission,
reproduction, rebroadcast or reissuing is re-permitted without the
express re-written re-consent of moi. (Yeah, like I can enforce
it. But hey, pro sports say it and everyone and their dog tapes
the big games so their friends can see it so if those
organizations can be out in legal la-la land, why can't I?)
Attack of the Big-Buxomed Bikinied Bimbos
[insert John Williams title theme]
It was
a dark time
for planet Earth
The mad scientist, Edward
and his loyal assistant, Alice
were on the verge of World Domination
and had just received advanced technology
from the Amfetameen spacemen Kwaylude and Valeeum.
M E A N W H I L E,
T H E A M F E T A M E E N F L E E T
M A S S E S N E A R T H E S T A R S I R I U S
A N D I S I N T E N T O N R E C O V E R I N G I T S
M I S S I N G T E C H N O L O G Y
[end John Williams title theme]
Edward giggled in anticipation as he surveyed the mass of wires, tubing and
spare parts that made up his pride and joy, the Omnifield Recombinant
Genetic Alteration Synthesizer Module. A silly name, true, but there were
only a limited number of word combinations that would both have something to
do with his invention and simultaneously form the acronym ORGASM.
"Your laugh is wrong, sir."
"Excuse me?" His loyal assistant Alice usually did not interrupt. Usually
Alice did not have say anything except "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" and the
occasional "Yes, master" in a nasal voice when she watched "Abbott and
Costello Meet Frankenstein" too many times and thought of herself as Igor.
He tolerated the quirks in her personality since it was a far better
personality she had now than any she had before. All thanks to his previous
greatest invention, the Personality Enhancement and Neural Impulse
Stimulator.
Alice had been the first test subject fitted with the PENIS implant. Alice
had also been the last test subject fitted with a PENIS when it became
obvious that there were certain side effects, namely an unnatural
fascination with boxing, football, beer, making rude noises with varied
parts of the anatomy, belching and making lewd comments at every pretty
woman she saw. Edward had even caught her making comments at the centerfold
in PLAYBOY and when confronted she denied it, saying she only read the
articles. He swore that he would not place his PENIS in anyone again.
Besides that, she was loyal, obedient and made the most delicious chicken
souvlaki he had ever tasted.
"I said, sir, your laugh is wrong. Mad scientists have a more maniacal
laugh that comes from the belly and ends up as a high-pitched semi-scream.
You giggled, sir."
"I did not giggle."
"Yes, sir, you did."
Edward crossed his arms and stared angrily at his assistant. Alice
immediately fell on her knees and kowtowed, sticking her big nose into the
concrete floor of the basement lab.
"Please forgive this worthless slave for disagreeing with her master even
though he really did giggle like a limp-wristed pooftah."
Edward looked down at her regally and spoke in his deep
I-am-holier-than-thou-and-we-both-know-it voice. "You are forgiven, my
dear." Then he thought about her apology for a second and had the sneaking
suspicion that she was not entirely sincere. He'd have to check her PENIS
and make sure it was working correctly.
"Well, that is not here not there. Behold, Alice, the fruits of my genius!
The Omnifield Recombinant Genetic Alteration Synthesizer Module! With this,
I'll rule the world!"
"Oh yeah, sure, Eddie." The genetically altered lab mouse that Edward had
experimented on in his youth was leaning against the bars of his cage which
overlooked the lab. An earlier, failed, experimental mouse was in the same
cage and kept banging its head against the floor.
"Shut up."
"Every few weeks it's the same thing. 'At last I'll rule the world blah
blah blah'. And the next day you're back here working on some stupid
invention with a really dumb name just so you can make a sexually suggestive
acronym."
"Shut up."
"You know, you'd have a chance if you weren't so sexually obsessed. I know
what it's like. Take me. Before I learned to enjoy life there I was, every
night, trying to take over the world and I would get so close and then
Braniac in here..."
The second mouse looked up and said "Narf?", and then resumed banging his
head against the floor.
"...would screw me up."
"I said shut up."
"And the really funny part is that my plans actually had a chance of
succeeding. A really remote chance but hey, at least I wasn't trying to
turn the world into Marilyn Monroe lookalikes like some mad scientists we
know."
"I SAID SHUT UP!" Edward flicked the power switch on the ORGASM and swung
the dish around to point at the cage. "Make fun of me will you,
you...you...you dirty rat? You will be the first to feel the power of the
ORGASM!"
The mouse backed away from the bars. "Now, Edward, let's not be hasty..."
"Eat gene-altering energy, rodent!" The machine made a noise that sounded
suspiciously like a fart and then fired a beam of pure pink light out of the
dish toward the cage. The mouse tried to jump out of the way but froze in
mid-leap as the light suffused around it. When it faded away a female mouse
with long hind legs, cute pink ears and a tiny pair of perfect breasts
looked around in confusion. She saw the other mouse, now staring at her
with an open jaw, and struck a suggestive pose.
"Hey, big boy, want to show a girl a good time?"
"Narf!" They fell on each other and began making like rabbits, which was not
entirely possible as they were members of the order Rodentia while rabbits
had been removed from that order and given their own.
"Hee hee hee," Edward began and stopped. He saw a reflection of Alice in
the machine and she was behind him, waving a limp wrist in the air and
prancing around. He spun, angrily but she was calmly examining her nails
with an innocent look.
"It works! It works!" He opened his mouth and then looked at Alice.
"Muhahahahaha." she said.
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Edward repeated. She was right. He did sound more like
a mad scientist.
__________________
He would have liked to have used the ORGASM on Alice but there was no
telling what sort of mess would happen when you mixed an ORGASM with a PENIS
and she was screwed up enough as it was. In any event he needed an
assistant with at least minimal intelligence. And to tell the truth he had
grown rather fond of Alice. Even her big nose.
Despite his efforts at miniaturization the ORGASM was still too heavy for
him and Alice to lift so he activated his giant robot, Nortlov. The big
machine easily picked up the heavy piece of mad scientific weaponry and
placed it in the back of an ice cream truck Edward had manufactured. Once
Edward had secured the ORGASM he ordered Nortlov to break into its five
component pieces. He had no idea why the pieces had to be five different
colours or why each piece had to resemble a cat and why they had to be
stored in different locations but that seemed to be the only way they would
work.
He and Alice changed into the ice cream seller costumes that he had
fabricated in his omnimanufacturing plant and took the van on the road. The
lab and the mansion on top of it was located some twenty miles from the
nearest town and by some amazing act of coincidence had a prison, a
parochial school, a military base and a high-tech electronics firm located
in a nearly perfect circle with the mansion in the center, which,
conveniently enough, were the exact facilities he needed to pull off his
plan for world domination.
They headed for the parochial school first. As a testing ground it was
perfect; relatively isolated, no defensive capabilities and, most important
from Edward's point of view, staffed by nuns. He hated nuns. He still had
an instinctive need to flinch when he saw a wooden ruler.
They pulled up to the gate and tooted the horn. A few girls were in the
courtyard and ran to the gate when they saw the ice cream van. A very large
and mean looking neanderthal of a security guard stepped out of the
gatehouse and rumbled up to the van. Alice stuck her head out and smiled.
"What can I do for you, Bubba?"
"Whatcha want?"
"Well, I was just passing through and thought that perhaps the students at
this fine institution might want some of our product."
"I ain't allowed to letcha in without Sister Judith's permission."
"Well tell you what, you big lug of an orator you, why don't you just head
on over and give the Sister a call."
The guard frowned (well, more than usual). He was pretty sure Alice had
insulted him but he wasn't too sure.
He didn't notice the small doors that opened on top of the van and the small
rod that emerged, the tip spreading into a dish that rotated around and
pointed at him. Edward operated a small joystick and stared at the monitor,
centering the crosshairs on the guard's chest. He began to giggle again but
caught himself before Alice noticed.
Moments like this deserved some form of momentous words that would be
recorded for posterity. Edward raised his microcassette recorder with his
left hand while his right hovered over the trigger.
"Cry havok...no, wrong context. Once more into the breach...no no, still
wrong. Eat blazing death? Not right, not right." He drummed his fingertips
on the control panel. "Aha! Let there be..."
In his excitement he accidently hit the trigger and enveloped the guard in
pink light. The momentous words recorded for posterity were somewhat
muffled but when played on a good sound system bore an uncanny resemblance
to "Oh, shit."
The guard seemed to collapse in on himself and reformed into a tall, big
breasted woman with long blonde hair, full pouty lips and legs that went to
New York and back via the scenic route. Her clothes, unchanged, were draped
over her like a tent, except for the blue shirt that was pulled tightly
across her chest.
"Ooo," she said and placed her hands on her hips. The six girls who stood
at the gate screamed and turned to run when they were struck by the pink
beam. In their case the change was much more spectacular and (from Edward's
point of view as he recorded it on one of the videocassettes he had brought
especially for that reason) much more satisfying. While the guard had
reduced in overall size the girls enlarged, shredding their school uniforms
as they grew. Buttons flew like plastic bullets and the white silk blouses
hung in tatters over enormous breasts. The skirts that had managed to
remain intact were skintight over sensuously rounded butts that topped long
legs.
Alice turned to ask Edward for instructions but sighed tiredly. He was
massaging himself through his pants and practically panting as he stared at
the screen. He always became overexcited halfway through an exercise and
became to distracted to finish it. Taking matters into her own hands she
leaned out the window.
"Hey, babe, do you want to open the gate?"
The guard giggled mindlessly and walked back to the guardhouse, her butt
seeming to want to head off in a completely separate direction as she
walked. Alice began to wolf-whistle, having no idea why, until the gate
opened and she drove through.
__________________
Edward leaned back and sucked in another grape that a blonde offered him.
All his new toys were standing around him, waiting on his every whim. He
even had the nuns wear what bits of their habits still fit so he could enjoy
the view. It was so sacrilegious he was ashamed of himself. A little.
"So, Alice, the first part of my plan has succeeded beyond my wildest
dreams." Well, not entirely true as his wildest dreams involved Pamela
Anderson Lee, a wading pool and mint pudding but that was another story and
this would suffice for the present. The electronics firm and the military
base had fallen to his will and the ORGASM just as quickly as the school.
The prison was even as he spoke being converted into a fortified
headquarters, the former inmates and guards all happily cleaning the place
up so his automated construction robots could remodel.
"So, sir, what is part two, if I may so inquire quite humbly?"
"Why of course you may so inquire, dear Alice," Edward mumbled between bites
of grape. "I will use the facilities at the electronics plant to build a
larger version of the ORGASM and use a missile at the base to place it in
orbit. Then, I will control the world!"
"Not to question the sheer brilliance of your plan, sir, but who, exactly,
will build it and launch it?"
"The techs at both places of course."
Alice nodded toward two women in military fatigues who were laughing and
trying to comprehend the sophisticated workings of a drinking fountain.
"Techs such as these, sir?"
Edward frowned. "I see your point. Hmm, perhaps the neural suppression
factor IS a bit high." He freed himself from the tangle of limbs and bodies
that surrounded him and stood. "I'll simply make an adjustment to the
ORGASM."
Ten minutes later one of the women was surrounded by a pink glow and looked
around carefully. Taking a pair of glasses out of a pocket she slipped them
on and examined the ORGASM.
"Primitive work," she sniffed. Edward stared in disbelief.
"It is a brilliant piece of work!" he said in protest. She looked down her
nose at him and adjusted her glasses.
"As you say," she replied in an I-am-holier-than-thou- and-we-both-know-it
tone. Edward looked crestfallen as she continued her examination. "This
whole section needs to be replaced...what moron designed a power unit like
that...ridiculous inefficiency..."
Alice clubbed her on the head with a boot. Edward sighed in relief. "Thank
you, loyal Alice. I believe the neural suppression may have been a little
TOO low that time."
"You're welcome, sir."
After he activated the ORGASM again Edward tested the woman. She seemed to
be about as smart as Alice (which of course was nowhere near as smart as he
was) and was safely subservient. Satisfied he quickly adjusted a few more
and set them to work on the orbital|ORGASM.
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We pause this story for an important announcement from the author.
Hi. I'm Keith and I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that this
is funny story, like funny ha-ha. Not what-the-hell-is-this funny like
ULYSSES. This is not meant to be taken seriously. If you take it seriously
I suggest finding a therapist.
I do not have a fixation on large-breasted women. In fact I can easily turn
the channel when I see "Baywatch". I don't have to see scads of large
breasted women running down the beach, sunlight glistening off the beads of
sweat running across their hard, taut bodies, hair waving in the breeze,
swimsuits stretched tight across bounding mounds of joy as they cavort in
the waves and...
(cough)
But, um, I digress. As a point of fact I actually prefer intelligent women
who can take care of themselves. In short, I'm nothing like Edward.
I like lemon meringue more than mint pudding.
We return to the story already in progress.|
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Edward leaned back in the command chair. The monitors on the wall showed
views of the larger cities of the world as hordes of large-breasted women
overran the positions of police and military units ordered to halt their
rampage. It was working so perfectly. A few more demonstrations and he
would issue his ultimatum to the world. Life was good.
"You know, Alice, life is good."
"Yes, sir."
"Here I am, capable of conquering the whole world and I give them an
opportunity to surrender first, to voluntarily make me their supreme
leader."
"Your magnimity knows no bounds."
"I will even allow some males to exist to continue the species. I'll have
to modify them of course, but they'll be happy."
"Your goodness is boundless."
"I'll have to work on a few women. Maybe make them better athletes for
sports and such, to entertain everyone."
"There is no boundary to the joy you spread."
"I know, I know. I only hope those in power recognize the gift I'm giving.
No more war! No more conflict! No more poverty! No more hate!"
"No more free will!" Alice added and then frowned. That didn't sound right.
"Yes, my reign will herald a new peace on Earth, a new start for
humanity..." Edward liked waxing poetic. It gave him that sophisticated
aura the best mad scientists had. Take Doctor Moreau. Now he had class.
"Sir, there seems to be an aircraft approaching at high speed," one of his
soldiers said in a husky voice. Edward turned to face the radar screens and
wondered why anyone named a tone of voice after a dog and why that was
supposed to be sexy. Was there a chihuahua voice?
"Where is it?"
"Thirty miles and closing at eight thousand, four hundred miles an hour,
sir."
Edward turned his eyes skyward. "Hmm. At thirty-six hundred seconds to the
hour that would have it arriving here in...ah..."
"Now, sir."
Alice was looking out a window. "I think you should see this, sir."
"What is it?" Edward asked as he walked to the window.
"Well, based on the general shape and lack of identifying marks it appears
to be a Big Mac."
"Don't be ridi...well I'll be. It does look like a Big Mac."
"The silvery metallic surface and green glow takes away from it," Alice said
critically. She squinted to get a better view. "And those legs sort of
give it a non- hamburger appearance."
"Aliens!" Edward said delightedly. He suddenly looked contemplative. "You
don't suppose they're hostile do you?"
"I think we're going to find out, sir."
Two squat aliens waddled out of the open portal and down the ramp that
extended from the front of the ship. They looked relatively human except
for the silver suits that were much too tight. They resembled a pair of
Poppin' Fresh clones wrapped in tinfoil. They looked around and saw the
soldiers who were surrounding the ship.
"Earth babes!"
"With big knockers! Yeehah!"
One of the aliens touched a medallion on his chest. "Klaatu boradus niktu!"
A reedy voice came out of the communicator. "What?"
The other alien tried. "nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'"
"What the hell are you guys trying to say?"
"Narn Centauri Minbari?"
"WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!"
"Fine fine fine. Get the capture gear ready. We got humans with big
hooters."
There was a pause. "How big?"
"Imagine Dolly Parton and Samantha Fox having a child."
"We'll be right there."
Edward watched the exchange, worried now. This was an unexpected
complication in his quest for world domination. Suddenly he had a bright
idea. "Prepare the ORGASM! Target that ship!"
The pink glow covered the ship. The two aliens outside, Kwaylude and
Valeeum, watched the display in silence.
"You don't suppose they have a weapon that will toast our gaflubbs do you?"
There was an odd giggling noise and a group of tall naked blue women ran
out. Kwaylude watched them run into a nearby building.
"I would say that is a distinct possibility."
Valeeum sat on the ground and put his head in his hands. "Why don't these
invasions ever work out? We go one place, they got a disease that'll kill
us. Another place, they not only have a competent kick-ass leader they take
out our command ship with a cable guy armed with a videogame. Somewhere
else some other aliens protect them."
"Don't forget that planet with all those metahumans."
"How could I forget? Beaten by a bunch of people in tights. 'Superguy'.
What alien invasion gets defeated by some dork named 'Superguy'? There
ain't no justice."
"I hear you, brother."
"Gentlemen," Edward said. "Welcome to Earth."
"Whatever," Valeeum said morosely. He ignored the human male who stood
triumphantly above them. "What now, human? Going to turn us into females
too?"
"Actually I was thinking about using some of your technology. I'll pay you
for it."
"No," Kwaylude said firmly. "That would be contrary to Regulation 3-12-11.
Providing natives with access to Amfetameen technology is punishable by
death. Nothing you can offer will make us reveal our secrets. Not precious
metals or jewels or intoxicating drinks or those little globes filled with
water and white plastic or..."
"How about a harem of hundreds of women each?"
"...if you want to begin with the computer system Valeeum is the records
officer and we can start taking out the antigravity drive whenever you're
ready."
__________________
"The mortal is well on his way to world domination."
"No kidding. Boy, nothing escapes those eagle-like eyes."
"Shut up."
"Bite me."
"Athena! Ares! Behave yourselves!"
"She started it."
"I did not!"
"Athena!"
"'Athena'! Always blaming me. No, it's never Ares's fault, oh no sirree.
Atlantis sinks, Athena did it. Someone misplaces the Golden Fleece, yup,
has to be Athena."
"Behave yourself, child!"
"Dad, I'm twelve thousand four hundred and sixty-seven years old. I think
I'm a little old to be called a...Dad! Ares just stole my temple!"
"Did not."
"Did too! Daaad, get him to stop."
"Ares, stop teasing your sister. Now what have you two been up to while
I've been gone...hmmm...would someone like to tell me what that is about?"
"It was Athena's idea."
"No it wasn't!"
"I don't care who thought of it! What is that mortal doing? Oh never mind.
I'll look into it myself."
"Heh heh. Boy, are you in trouble now."
"Up yours."
Amfetameen Attacks!
Her name was Aseetominofen and she was Fleet Admiral of the 5th Imperial
Amfetameen Matriarchical Military Fleet. By reputation she was the most
efficient, the meanest, the most merciless and simply the best poker player
in the Empire and so Empress Areethromysin, assuming that meant she had some
tactical ability, promoted her to her current rank. Fortunetly for
Areethromysin the admiral actually was a brilliant and aggressive military
genius. She also had a notoriously bad temper. The story of how she had
beaten her rival, Admiral Ro-Gayne, into a bloody pulp using only her bare
hands and a chimney broom was well known in the fleet and the subject of
much discussion. No one had any idea where a chimney broom had come from on
a starship.
Aseetominofen sat in her command chair examining her nails as the six
Sub-Admirals stood stiffly at attention, fearful of bring down their
commander's wrath upon themselves.
"Now, I know you all are close friends who would never consider betraying
one another and I would not dream of asking you to do so. Knowing this,
I'll ask you all to explain how some males managed to mutiny and steal a
scoutship."
"It was Kokayne's fault."
"...she did it..."
"...let the little beggars get away, she did..."
"...and we tried to stop her but she wouldn't listen..."
"...yep, all her fault..."
The Fleet Admiral turned and stared at the aforementioned and terrified out
of her blue skin Kokayne. The Sub-Admiral seemed to wilt under the gaze and
swallowed.
"Kokayne, I expect you to recover that ship immediately."
"Yes Fleet Admiral."
__________________
Kokayne flew her private shuttle back to her battlegroup's command ship, the
cruiser MISSIONARY POSITION. The small group comprised the cruiser and five
destroyers and was supposed to be scouting for the main force.
Despite the situation she had to admire her small fleet as she approached
MISSIONARY POSITION. The large, round cruiser was impressively large, topped
by the small bulge of the main bridge. The destroyers orbited around the
larger ship and shared the same general outline. None of that phallic
symbolism some of the other Sub-Admirals had in their ships, Kokayne thought
with pride. Let every other intelligent space-faring race in the galaxy
think that the Amfetameen avoidance of long, thin objects was an amusing
parochial hang-up. Sure it had taken them eight times as long to get into
space because they refused to build cylindrical rockets and even longer to
get something that could fly fast. So what if the best shape for
atmospheric flight as determined by the laws of physics was long and round
and had stuff shooting out of one end? The Amfetameen Matriarchy could not
let facts get in the way of its holy crusade to rid the galaxy of the male
dominance that had suppressed the female Spirit of the Universe for so long.
Of course, since the Amfetameen did not use guns (long cylindrical objects
that shot stuff out of the end) they had a difficult time convincing other
species to surrender and adopt their ways. Yet they had, Kokayne included,
hardened themselves against the hysterical laughter that greeted their
demands for surrender.
Commander Minoxodell had waited three minutes inside the airlock for her
superior to return and might have actually been there when she arrived had
she remembered that the airlock was depressurized prior to docking. She was
recovering nicely in sickbay. Subcommander Kayopektate stood in her place
(beside the airlock; Amfetameen warriors are quick learners) and greeted the
Sub-Admiral.
"We have located the mutineers, Sub-Admiral."
"Where?"
"A planet approximately 9 light-years from here, Earth."
Kokayne looked thoughtful. "That name sounds familiar."
"Class 3 civilization, male dominant."
"Aha! We can accomplish two missions at once and I can regain my standing
in front of the Fleet Admiral. Prepare the group for
hyperspatialsuperluminaryfasterthan- light speed. We leave at once!"
__________________
Edward tried the controls of the hover-tank and crashed it into a warehouse.
Kwaylude slapped his palm against his forehead and groaned while Valeeum
looked on.
"He sucks," Valeeum concluded.
He received a cuff on the back of the head. "That is my master you're
talking about," Alice scolded. Then she dove out of the way as the
hover-tank skidded across the yard and buried its nose into another
building. Brushing herself off she watched the tank rock back and forth,
scraping and pulling more brick down on itself.
"But you're right, he does suck."
She ran off to offer assistance to Edward leaving Kwaylude and Valeeum
alone.
"I can't believe we're depending on HIM to save us from Aseetominofen."
"What can we do? He's got that weapon. We try something, wham! it's d-cup
city for us. Our best bet is to help him win."
"Hmmm. All those women serving *us* for a change. I'd get Aseetominofen to
give me a massage. Boy, would that relieve headaches!"
"I'd enjoy banging Sub-Admiral Morfeen myself. You know, they say that once
you start having her, you just can't stop."
After several hours, three demolished buildings and five overturned vehicles
Edward seemed to get the hang of moving in a straight line. He announced
that he was pleased in his
pretend-you-actually-appreciate-what-someone-else-did voice and returned to
the control room to supervise the mounting of a portable ORGASM on the tank.
Kwaylude and Valeeum returned to the building that Edward had designated as
their quarters. Scores of scantily clad and naked women were eagerly
awaiting their arrival. Forgetting their trouble for a moment the two fat
aliens plunged into the ocean of soft female flesh that awaited them and
dreamed of being masters of the entire galaxy.
__________________
Alice decided to take a walk out into the desert. She had no idea why she
wanted to take a walk out in the desert but as the unbelievable coincidence
that was to occur required her to be taking a walk in the desert, for
whatever reason, she did so. She was not one to argue with the will of the
Author especially when He was about to give her a larger role. She didn't
even know there was a desert nearby.
"Can I be the hero?"
NO.
"Oh come on. With everything you've made me do I deserve a bit of a break."
BE QUIET AND KEEP WALKING.
"Yeah yeah yeah, just like a tyrant. 'Do this', 'Do that', 'Pledge
allegiance to a hormone crazed sociopath with delusions of grandeur'. No,
never anything that I want."
I SAID BE QUIET.
"I don't even LOOK like a typical heroine you dream up."
SHUT UP.
"Oh go on, try and deny it. What's your typical female character like?
Tall, cut and looks something like Rachel MacLish or Cory Everson with red
hair and an IQ of 200. It's too bad Heinlein died. He would've LOVED your
female characters."
I'M WARNING YOU...
"Tall, genius Amazons who hop into bed at the drop of a hat. 'Yeah, I just
slayed three million monsters, wanna screw?'. Yep, that's the typical line
from your female characters."
IF I HEAR ONE MORE WORD...
"At least Eddie Glover doesn't pretend he's telling a story about anything
except chicks with big hooters and the guys who turn into them, not like you
Mister Let's-Hide-My-Testosterone-Fantasies-Behind-Literary-Pretensions..."
Alice struggled out of the tarpit and stared in dismay at how the animal
skin that made up her bikini top and bottom was streaked with the oily
residue. Grug, her mate, watched with a stupid expression on his
neanderthalic face and grunted in arousal at how she looked with oil
streaked across her smooth skin. Suddenly a saber-tooth tiger jumped out
from the bush it was hiding behind. From the opposite direction a
tyrannosaurus ran at her, both looking at her with jaws open and hunger in
their eyes...
"I apologize! I apologize!"
Alice dusted the dust off her clothes and started walking again with a
sullen expression on her face, mumbling.
"Stupid Author pushing me around stupid costume moron doesn't know
saber-tooth tigers and dinosaurs didn't live at the same time..."
A bright light rose above the mountains to the west and sped across the sky
toward Alice. She waited impatiently.
"Another flying hamburger? You haven't eaten yet or something?"
I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO A STORY WITH SILVERFISH. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF
SILVERFISH...
"Lousy writer no sense of humor..."
The Amfetameen shuttle landed and Kokayne disembarked, surrounded by her
guards. She kicked the dirt disdainfully and crinkled up her nose.
"No wonder no one wants this garbage pit. No plants, no life at all."
"I believe that is because this is a desert, Sub-Admiral."
"I knew that." Kokayne looked around and spotted Alice. "Ho, natives.
Let's not try to frighten it."
Kokayne raised her arms in what she hoped was a peaceful gesture (and what
everyone else in the known galaxy took as a sign of surrender, given the
renowned Amfetameen battle prowess). The native (female, Kokayne noted in
relief, therefore of high intelligence by definition) stood her ground.
"We friends," Kokayne said, making an embracing gesture. "We come from
stars." She pointed skyward. "Heap long distance far away."
Alice shook her head at how ridiculous the blue-skinned alien woman looked.
"She doesn't understand," one of the guards offered.
"Let's dissect her to see how she works," suggested another.
"That's inhuman!" exclaimed a third.
"We AREN'T human."
"Oh. Right."
Alice coughed. "Ahem. Are you finished?"
"She speaks English! Come to think of it, why in the name of the Great
Mother's Menstrual Flow do WE speak English?"
"Everyone in the galaxy speaks English, you goof. And all the bad guys
speak it with a British accent. You never see 'Star Wars'?"
"Um, don't WE have British accents?"
"Quiet," Kokayne ordered. "Earth person, we sake renegades males, worthless
males about this high."
"Are two of them named Kwaylude and Valeeum?"
"Yes!"
"Never heard of them."
"Oh. That's odd. There seems to be an energy signature coming from your
head."
"Oh that's my, uh, built in calculator."
"Guards, seize the human!"
Two beefy Amfetameens seized Alice and held her while Kokayne examined her
with a scanner.
"A personality control device. Devious. Easy enough to adjust like...so."
"...at the Copa, Copacabana..."
"Change it! Change it!"
Alice shook her head and looked around with a dull glaze in her eyes. "Huh
huh. Blue babes. Huh huh. Cool."
"Well that certainly screwed her up."
"Huh huh. You said screw. Huh huh."
"Might I suggest an adjustment like...so, your Sub- Admiralship?"
"Hunh? What? Hey...I'm me again. I'm not loyal to that disgusting troll!
I hate his guts!"
"Tell me, primitive Earth-human, who did this to you?"
"Listen you technicolor bimbette, I am not primitive. And the guy who did
this to me is..." A sly look swept over Alice's face. "If I help you catch
those two will you help me?"
__________________
Kwaylude and Valeeum turned off the remote viewer and mulled over the
information they had gathered.
"It was wise you took the precaution of observing the human female Alice."
"It was an obvious thing to do. You know the fixation the Author has on
strong female characters. It was inevitable that she would not remain
subservient."
"So what do we do now?"
Kwaylude lifted his hand. A key glittered in the dim light.
"The key to the ORGASM control! How did you get it?"
"Earth humans are stupid. Now, shall we go?"
__________________
Kokayne assembled her assault team around the prison. The armed Amfetameen
troops set up portable laser cannons and mortars with an enthusiasm she had
not seen them display in ages. It probably had something to do with facing
an outnumbered enemy with inferior technology and no hope of assistance.
That sort of thing did not happen often in the Amfetameen military.
Alice gave them the coordinates to the ORGASM control center and she felt a
wave of satisfaction and relief as the fireball erupted in a brilliant pink
flash. She pumped her arm and snarled "Yes!"
Edward came running out. "Loyal Alice! What have you done?"
"Eat me, jerkoff. I'm working with the Sub-Admiral here. I'm helping them
get their two slug-boys back and then they're going to take over the planet
and I'M going to help them."
There were screams from somewhere to Alice's right and she saw Amfetameen
troops scatter as the hover tank roared into view. Valeeum's head was stuck
out the driver's hatch while Kwaylude rode the turret wearing a cowboy hat.
A Confederate flag fluttered from an antenna and the deafening chords of
"Ride of the Valkyries" shattered the night air. The main cannon rotated
around and fired a burst of pink light that enveloped a platoon of warriors.
They broke into a fit of giggling and comparing nail polish.
"No!" Alice and Kokayne cried in unison. The big gun began to track toward
their position.
"Run away! Run away!"
Edward looked around in confusion and saw his two alien assistants.
"Kwaylude! Valeeum! Over here!"
Kwaylude paused with his hand over the trigger. "You know, it would be sort
of rotten to do it."
"More babes," Valeeum reminded him.
"Say bye bye to Mister Happy," Kwaylude called out to Edward and fired the
gun. The hovertank turned and went in pursuit of the fleeing Alice and
Kokayne.
__________________
Aseetominofen frowned at the scene the spysat recorded. Not only had
Kokayne failed to recapture the renegades she now appeared to be feeding
them some form of native fruit wearing nothing but a few small pieces of
cloth.
"Kokaine not only defeated but enslaved. An embarrassment to the Amfetameen
Matriarchy." She sighed. "Prepare the invasion fleet."
__________________
"You are a jerk."
WHAT DID I DO?
"You set me up!"
SO?
"So? So! You ignorant, obnoxious..."
I FORGET. DO SILVERFISH HAVE SIX OR EIGHT LEGS?
"Oooooooooo. I'll get you. I'll get Larry Niven to give me a good story."
UN-HUH. LIKE TEELA BROWN?
"Yeah! Author control. Now THAT was a character trait!"
TEELA BROWN BECAME A LARGE HUMANOID WITH A BEAK, BONY CREST ON THE HEAD,
OVERSIZED JOINTS AND A BAD ATTITUDE. OH YEAH, AND HE KILLED HER.
"Well, I'll get someone."
I UNDERSTAND EDDIE GLOVER IS LOOKING FOR CHARACTERS...
"No! Anything but that!"
THEN BEHAVE YOURSELF.
Alice lurked in the bushes and cursed authors of all sorts. Still it was
better than being in a Chalker story. She would have been someone's sex
slave at least by the end of Part One if he'd been writing.
She needed a plan...
The prison exploded with brilliant blue explosions as Amfetameen assault
ships descended on the desert. Alice watched in amazement as female troops
overran the position, seized the two aliens, destroyed the ORGASM and
vanished into the sky.
"What the hell was that?"
THE END.
"What?! What kind of ending was that?"
ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
"Your damn right I'm complaining! You put me through all that and you don't
provide a satisfying ending!"
HMM. YOU MIGHT HAVE A POINT THERE. THAT WASN'T REALLY QUITE RIGHT...
One final explosion lit the night sky and a red fireball arced out of the
remains of the prison and landed on top of Alice. She looked down in shock
and saw that she was at least six feet tall and had long red hair.
THAT'S BETTER.
"I hate you."
Oc Copyright 1996 Keith Morrison
1
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