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Subject: {ASS}Celestial Reviews 202 - July 26
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Celestial Reviews 202 - July 26, 1997
Note: I recently posted my Celestial Summaries. There are four of these -
two segments arranged by title and two arranged by author. If you notice any
corrections, I would appreciate knowing about them. I'll wait a week to
obtain corrections, and then I'll repost a revised version.
Second note: Here's a brief discussion of reposts. First, I didn't mean to
scare Tommy away. When he started "advertising" the CD-ROM that he hoped to
sell for $19.95 or something like that, I posted a note wondering if this was
legal. I think Tommy reposted some very good stories in his THC Archives.
Several other people are performing a similar service, and I appreciate what
they are doing.
The reason I mention this now is because just today I saw what I thought was
a spam notice posted over 200 times on a.s.s., saying "1000's of Erotic
Stories at http:// fox." I downloaded one of these messages just so I could
ask the poster why he/she felt the need to mess up our group with this
advertisement; but I discovered that it was a repost of "Oh What a Trip" by
James Boswell, a spouse watching story that I reviewed in CR 192. Apparently
all of the postings labeled in this fashion are genuine stories. The problem
is, how can a reader know what the story is? Are there really people out
there who are so desperate for a sex story that they will download anything,
just because it's one of THOUSANDS OF STORIES? It would seem that most
people would like to know something about the story - like its title, maybe;
and this information doesn't appear on my AOL listing, because the title line
is already too long. In short, if people want to repost stories, I think it
is nice that they do so; but it is also important that they let readers know
what stories they are reposting. I guess readers WOULD find these stories
through DejaNews, but they would have to have some reason to enter the proper
search words. In this case, "alt.sex.stories boswell trip" would find this
story - but how would a reader know to use those search terms?
Finally, there has been a brief debate about posting zipped and encoded
files. My online service (AOL) unzips files for me automatically when I sign
off, and so I personally don't mind zipped files. I occasionally find files
encoded in some way that AOL won't decode, and I just skip them, because
there are plenty of good stories that I CAN read.
Apparently lots of readers cannot unzip files. I suppose there are three
solutions: (1) don't post zipped files, (2) tell everybody how to unzip
files, or (3) screw the people who complain. I don't know much about this,
but it seems obvious to me that a zipped file DOES take up less space -
until, of course, it is unzipped. On the surface, that sounds like a good
reason to zip - files can be transmitted more quickly and they take up less
space when stored in that format. On the downside, some people cannot read
them, PLUS they don't show up in DejaNews searches, unless the key words are
in the title lines. In addition, since the reposter often labels these files
in a cryptic manner {"fxcv.zip"}, it's often difficult to figure out what the
story is without downloading and unzipping it. I personally am grateful to
people like Spamhater {who I used to think was Spermhater} for posting these
stories, but I think we can find a way to share these stories more
efficiently.
If I can serve as a conduit to sort out repostings more effectively, I will
be happy to do so. Although my own expertise is limited, I can probably find
experts who read my reviews and are willing to help solve this problem.
Incidentally, the best locations for storing good stories seem to be (1)
alt.sex.stories.moderated (which I think is working extremely well) and (2)
personal web sites maintained by authors and people like Mr. Double. I keep
a list of these sites and I'll repost it soon with my personal FAQ.
Third note: The guest reviews are going well. I hope you enjoy them. I
know that I certainly appreciate the work of these guest reviewers.
I have selected persons who I think will write good reviews. So far I have
been very much impressed by the quality of these reviews. If I have failed
to invite you to write a guest review, it may be an oversight. Contact me if
you want to be a reviewer, and I'll let you try one.
One rule that I try to enforce is that I myself try to review any story
written by a guest reviewer. My goal is to avoid any sort of "buddy system"
in which one reviewer would be tempted to go soft on another in order to get
as better review her/himself. If other reviewers want to review one of these
stories, they should feel free to send the extra review to me; I'll post it
for them in CR.
A major result of the guest reviewer system is that I am able to review more
stories in each issue of CR. I am usually able to assign a story to a guest
reviewer as soon as I decide to review it. When I was working alone, I used
to spot good stories and put them on the back burner. Eventually it would
simply become too late to bother reviewing the story. With the new system
such delays and cancellations are much less frequent - although occasionally
someone offers to review a story and then forgets or decides not to complete
the process.
Someone asked me if I read all the stories that the guest reviewers review.
The answer is, no, I do not read ALL of them. That would take too much time
and would partially defeat the purpose of having the guest reviewers. I DO
read many of them. For example, I read any story the guest reviewer makes me
think might be eligible for monthly or annual honors. In making up To 20 and
Top 100 lists, I base my decisions on my own judgment, but my judgment can
certainly be influenced by what other reviewers say. In addition, I
sometimes make suggestions to help reviewers revise their reviews, and this
makes it necessary for me to read major portions of other stories. Finally,
sometimes a reviewer makes a story sound so interesting that I just have to
take a look at it myself.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Sesame Street Gang Learns Something New" by
Unknown Author (TV parody) 5, 1, 1
"Smurfs!" by Dimitri (humor, I suppose) 4, 4, 4
"The Elevator" by Tremaine (gay slutty sex) 10, 10, 10
"Beware: Horny Cute Girls Fart on Your Food in Restaurants"
by Spinner (flatulence fetish) 7, 7, 7
"Appalachian Spring" by Jim Fix (romance) 9, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Go Team Go" by Squire (cheerleader sex) 8, 6, 7
"Lovers" by Jim (young love) 9, 8.5, 9
"Cherry Picker" by The Carnal Quill (very young first timer)
10, 10, 10
"Bea's Bored" by Bea Fischl (first ff experience) 10, 9, 10
"Lovers One" by Katie (romantic prostitution) 10, 9, 9
"Incubus" by DG (sci fi sex) 8, 8, 8
"The Riding Lesson" By Domino (cons D/s & S/M, with a
twist) 7.5, 8.5, 7
"Paying for It" by J. Boswell (slut wife) 9.5, 9, 10
"The Sesame Street Gang Learns Something New" by Unknown Author
(lightedge@aol.com). If you're going to write a parody of "Sesame Street,"
you should at least have the people engage in sexual activities while they're
doing things that normally happen on Sesame Street. In this story we just
have Grover humping Maria and Bert screwing Ernie in the ass or vice versa.
The most clever line occurs when somebody proclaims 69 to be the number of
the day. This is not a creative story. I cannot imagine why you would want
to read it.
Although this was a truly bad story, at least it brings up the topic of
muppets; and Tickle Me Elmo is a muppet, I think. Anyway, did you hear that
quality control actually backfired and almost ruined the Tickle Me Elmo sales
last year? It seems that the company used to put everything through a single
test, but the Quality Control people wanted to be extra careful with Tickle
Me Elmo, and so they doubled the test process. Instead of tickling each Elmo
once, they tickled each one twice. Therefore, there was a movement to remove
Elmo from the shelves of toy stores, because each Tickle Me Elmo now had two
test tickles!
If you didn't get the joke, read the last line out loud and think real hard.
This joke is far better than anything you will find in this story.
Ratings for "The Sesame Street Gang Learns Something New"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"Smurfs!" by Dimitri (dimitri@ihug.co.nz) Dimitri has written several pretty
good stories. This is not one of them. The plot has something to do with
toxic waste being dumped through a time machine and changing the
personalities of those cute little smurfs who are disgustingly nice to one
another. The sex is almost non-existent in this story.
On the upside, even though it is very badly proofread and has a silly plot,
this story is much better than the "Sesame Street" story that I covered in
the previous review.
Ratings for "Smurfs!"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"The Burgulars" by A.D. (Red Dragon repost). I'm generally suspicious of
stories where the author can't even spell the title right. This one turned
out better than I expected. The theme is a common one: the guy catches two
teenage girls burglarizing his house, and they are willing to do ANYTHING to
keep him from calling the police. And they do. It's not the greatest ever,
but it's actually a fairly sexy story.
Ratings for "The Burgulars"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Elevator" by Tremaine (tremaine@MINDSPRING.COM). The narrator is a
straight heterosexual guy riding an elevator. Suddenly he feels someone
fondling his ass. Assuming it is a woman coming on to him, he gets a
hard-on. By the time he realizes it's a man, there's nothing he can do about
it, because if he makes a scene everyone will notice his erection. Pretty
soon he is having regular rendezvous with the man on the elevator, even
though he still has never seen him. Eventually he goes to an adult bookstore
for homosexual activities with several people he does not know.
This is a well written story about a seriously dysfunctional man. I don't
review many gay stories, and I don't want to be accused of being anti-gay - I
use the term "dysfunctional" as I have used it to describe many characters in
other stories I have reviewed. It means that most gays engage in more
adaptive activities than those depicted in this story.
Ratings for "The Elevator"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Beware: Horny Cute Girls Fart on Your Food in Restaurants" by Spinner
(spinner@inter.net.il). Until today, I had never knowingly reviewed a story
written by an author from Iceland, nor had I knowingly eaten a dessert upon a
sexy Nordic beauty had imposed her flatulence for ten minutes. Now I've done
one of those things - just one, I hope.
I guess if some people sniff bicycle seats to get turned on, a guy could get
turned on by watching his girlfriend fart into a cream pie. I dunno; it's
hard to imagine. As Mark Twain (or was it Disraeli?) said, "One man's fetish
is another man's asswipe."
I had chili for dinner tonight, but I don't have a cream pie. So I can't try
this out on my husband. I think something like this might have been behind
George Bush's well-publicized distaste for broccoli.
The author says this is a true story, but I have my reservations. The
alt.folklore.urban people raise serious doubts about similar escapades that
are supposed to have occurred in army mess halls and in kitchens manned by
disgruntled employees.
I guess maybe this sort of story would be of particular interest to those
thousands of sperm berping prom queens doing it doggystyle that I read about
in the a.s.s. spam.
Ratings for "Horny Cute Girls"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Appalachian Spring" by Jim Fix (jimfix@earthlink.net). This is a romantic
story about a young boy whose father is a moonshiner in the rural American
South. He meets a woman about twice his age who is staying at a nearby
cabin, and he checks her out to make sure she's not an agent sent to
investigate his father. Before long he finds himself falling in love with
her, and she returns his love. Read the story yourself for the details.
This story would have benefited from some proofreading, but it's still an
excellent story. It's long on plot and character development, but a lot of
us like that sort of thing. This author should take advantage of my free
proofreading service. If the little kinks were worked out with the help of a
competent outsider, this would be a really outstanding story.
Ratings for "Appalachian Spring"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Go Team Go" by Squire (Mr Double repost). Guest review by Kim.
This is a story for which the word "fantasy" was surely invented. It details
the "trauma" suffered by a football captain when he is kidnapped by the
opponents' cheerleading team and is forced to make love to them in relays for
twenty four hours before the big game. The purpose, obviously, is to tire him
out so that their side will be certain to win.
The football player gets lured to a hotel room and lets them tie him to the
bed where the plot is explained to him and the action commences. Eventually,
after many, many bouts of lovemaking he falls asleep and awakes to find
himself alone and untied. He staggers down to the bus that takes his team to
the game. As he reaches out to shake the hands of the opposing team, he
notices... nah, that would be telling.
This may sound strange, but the word that seems to me to sum up this story is
"cute." I know it's not often that you get to describe a story involving
kidnapping and multiple gang-rape as cute, but cute it is. Just suspend your
belief or sense of morality, and assume that gang-rape can be cute. The guy
doesn't fight when they tie him to the bed because he doesn't want to hurt
anyone. Many of the girls are almost apologetic for what they are doing.
Everyone is just so nice to each other. Even when some semi-stern lesbians
turn up they end up being nice to him. Awww, it's all sooo sweet.
Now for the niggles. First, it's written in a combination of present and
present perfect tenses, the sort that some news anchor types adopt when they
want to add a bit of tension or that Celeste uses to summarize stories. This
sort of thing is excellent for summaries, but bad for making the action
interesting. That's the major problem with this story: it sounds too much
like a summary. This problem could be almost completely solved simply by
changing to the past tense. I expect you're all scratching your heads at this
point; but hey, I know what I mean even if you don't :) Just read the story
and see for yourselves.
Second, because of the nature of the piece it is kinda one dimensional and
repetitive - meaning it skirts perilously close to becoming boring, only
narrowly avoiding it. I think a bit of judicious editing would have helped
(now where have I heard that before :).
I did like the ending tho' - if not exactly a twist, then certainly it was
unexpected.
Ratings for 'Go Team Go'
Athena (technical quality): 8 (lost one for odd use of tense)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (did you say plot?)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 7 (gained one for unexpected ending)
"Lovers" by Jim (Mr Double repost). Guest review by Mark Aster.
Your sister falls in love and marries a man who has a young son from a
previous marriage. Soon after, the couple is tragically killed, and you take
the 13-year-old boy into your home. Not long after that, you discover that
he and your 11-year-old daughter are having sex. Do you (a) experience lots
of soul-searching, alternating between pride and amusement and horror and
fear, or (b) call the two mischievous young people into the living room, say
"you are playing with fire and what we are going to try to do is to furnish
you with potholders and pokers so you won't get burnt", and encourage them to
continue as long as they're careful? In "Lovers," Julie and Bob do the
latter.
This is a sweet, if somewhat dry, story of young love. The characters are
the sort of ideal rationalists that populate the works of Robert Heinlein,
Elf Sternberg, and our own Uther Pendragon. Most of the story is taken up
with background, prelude, and aftermath; Julie and Bob are very well
prepared, having on hand a just-pee-on-the-stick home pregnancy test (they
weren't that easy five years ago, let me tell you!), a morning-after pill,
and a doctor who is apparently willing to counsel the under-fifteen couple on
their sex lives. Lucky people! No angst here, no worry to speak of, no
irrational fear. The young lovers have no apparent thought that what they're
doing might be wrong or dangerous, and they never fight or misunderstand each
other or anything nasty like that.
The sex scenes between the kids, of which there are two or three short ones,
are mostly respectful and not especially vulgar. Everything works fine, and
neither bodies nor feelings get hurt. There's no particular pandering to
readers looking for porny pictures of children fucking; the descriptions are
mostly as respectful as the premise calls for. Which isn't to say that this
is a completely convincing description of touching and innocent sex; the
prose is somewhat bland, and not as amazed and sensuous as I would have
liked. Perhaps Michael (the boy, the narrator) is remembering this from a
distance; the voice seems to be that of a grown-up. I didn't myself find the
love-scenes particularly arousing; I'm not sure whether or not the author
intended the reader to.
So this is a fine story as it is, but rather unambitious. By having everyone
rational and all of nature in on the conspiracy, all conflict is removed; for
me, this also removes a good deal of the excitement. Jim can write; I'd like
to see him tackle a darker and/or a richer setting next, with some red-meat
adult sex, or some fear or hatred or obstacles to be overcome to sweeten the
ultimate victory.
I'll guess that Celeste would give this a 9 for technical merit (one point
off for "she raised to meet me" and maybe one or two others), an 8.5 for
Venus, and an 8.5 to 9.5 for appeal, depending how she feels about perfect
rationality and kidsex this week...
Ratings for "Lovers"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8.5
Aster (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Cherry Picker" by The Carnal Quill (Mr Double repost). Guest Review by Mike
Hunt.
Oh boy! At last a story that I don't have to say a single thing bad about.
Whew! What fun.
How many times have you downloaded some random story with a sexy title, only
to be disappointed by an unrealistic scenario, bad writing, or stupid
dialogue? Yeah, me too. You won't be with this story. Assuming, of course,
you just like short, straight ahead sex stories. You do, don't you? Yeah, me
too.
"Cherry Picker" is the story of a 12-year-old boy in the process of losing
his virginity to, well, Cherry, a teenage hooker who specializes in
12-year-old boys. There are no strange plot twists and no overdrawn set-up,
the sex just rolls from the top to the bottom. A fun read. Well written. Good
visual depiction. Sexy. All in all, I'd give it a "30". (That's 3 "10's".)
Uh, on second thought, I can write a funnier review of a real piece of shit
story. Don't send me any more like this; OK, Celeste?
Ratings for "Cherry Picker"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Bea's Bored" by Bea Fischl (BF4play@aol.com). Guest review by BluePencil.
At first glance, "Bea's Bored" is a fairly ordinary alt.sex.stories offering.
Bea's husband is out of town; so she invites a couple of her friends over to
share the hot tub. They're lesbians, and Bea's always been curious, and is
feeling a bit frustrated and lonely . . . As I said, a fairly ordinary
premise for a story.
(In the alt.sex hierarchy, that is. I imagine it would be a bit out of the
ordinary for "The Watchtower" or "Christian Science Monitor". It might get
the Jimmy Swaggart seal of approval if he has someone to help him with the
more difficult words. You know, the ones with more than one syllable or
those tricky "ie" and "ei" combinations.)
What distinguishes this story is the author's skill and humor. Her grammar
is impeccable, her characterization nearly so; though she keeps the tone
deliberately light, she manages to maintain a balance between overseriousness
and overt flippancy - and to lard the narrative with suspense, surprise, and
ample alliteration.
Refreshingly, we don't get lists of improbable anatomical attributes. We
learn that all are female, Sheryl and Nancy are lesbians, and Bea is straight
leaning-slightly-to-bi. We learn that Sheryl has shaved her pubic hair while
Nancy keeps hers trimmed. And we learn that Bea has brown pubic hair -
before Nancy and Sheryl help her shave it clean. Oh, yes - we do learn that
Bea has nice breasts.
Though the author concentrates as much on plot and characterization as on raw
sex, this is a very sexy story. She has taken what could have been three or
four paragraphs and made a story of them. And she has managed to make those
three or four paragraphs worth of action a great deal more stimulating than
many of the more directly action- oriented writers can manage in an entire
story.
I hope we see more of Fischl's work.
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot and character): 9
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Lovers One" by Katie (slowhand@dial.pipex.com). Guest Review by Jordan
Shelbourne.
So there she is, all alone on the street, a little nervous, and this guy
comes along. She opens her blouse and says, "Want a date?" and he doesn't
refuse. So they go back to the flat and have sex.
Despite this, it's romantic. And there's a twist ending.
It's a nicely-written vignette, but it's not really a story (hence the 9 for
plot). Part of the problem is that twist endings are very difficult to do
well -- I figured out the twist by paragraph 5. The approach Katie has
chosen twists the story structure so it's very difficult to become involved
with the characters. The writer is always a little bit distant because
there's this surprise she wants to spring later.
(What a writer presents and _how_ it's presented tell you a lot about how the
story will end. As Chekov said in his work on playwriting, "If you put a
butt-plug on stage in Act One, it had better be used by Act Three." Or
something like that.)
There are problems with punctuation which I found distracting. Still, it's a
well-written sex scene within a slightly stilted context. It's certainly
worth reading and I hope Katie writes more stories.
Ratings for "Lovers One"
Athena Rating: 10
Aphrodite Rating: 9
Shelbourne Rating: 9
"Incubus" (X-Files) by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com) Guest review by Tooshoes.
The X-Files TV show poses many questions we may never know the answer to. Are
close encounters real? Is the Government covering up the evidence? Does God
exist? How about ESP?
But the most important question to many X-Files fans is: Can Platonic
relationships really exist between a woman and a man?
The TV show posed the question by having two attractive lead characters spend
all of their time alone with each other, to the point where they have no
other life. They tease each other. They comfort each other. But they never
say what they feel. They never take off their FBI masks. And of course, they
never take off their FBI uniforms.
Chris Carter (the shows creator) may never answer these important questions,
but Internet writers are more gracious and informative. Fans have written
hundreds of erotic X-Files stories, all debunking the Platonic relationship
theory.
"Incubus" is one such story, and it's a pretty good one. The author is
faithful to the characters, and to the style of the TV show. Even the villain
follows the X-File's tradition -- he's more of a misfit than someone seeking
to do evil. (Only the government is truly evil.) He feeds on the sexual
energies of others, much like a vampire feeds on blood, and he uses mind
control to spark the sexual activities he craves. And of course, Fox and Dana
are not immune to his influence.
The problem with this scenario is that Fox and Dana are strongly attracted to
each other, so mind control isn't really necessary. I would have preferred to
see their relationship grow based on their own decisions. I think that's also
what most X-Files fans want to see.
But aside from that, I think most fans will enjoy "Incubus". It's a well
written, well conceived story, with many colorful supporting characters,
doing all sorts of things that Plato might not approve of.
Ratings for "Incubus"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Tooshoes (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Riding Lesson" by Domino (domino6242@aol.com). Guest review by Piper.
What we have here, at least in the beginning, is a relatively literate,
playful, yet simplistic story about a woman who really seems to enjoy
sessions of submission and punishment at the hands of someone she works with.
Her lesson appointment is for 10:30, but she shows up at 10:32. Not a good
thing, and he lets her know it. Then she doesn't get undressed properly.
Definitely not a good thing. And after she obeys his orders and gets on her
knees with her head down on the carpeted floor, she turns and looks at him.
That's against the rules and is most definitely not a good thing. It would
almost seem like she's looking to be punished.
What do you think?
Of course she is. She loves the pain. She loves the way he degrades her
with his whip. She loves him - at least, during the sessions. And her
fervent hope is that one day she'll be worthy enough that he will allow her
to wrap her lips around his magnificent cock. Her short-term goal, though,
seems to be making him happy enough so that he gives her the corner office
that several people are apparently interested in. 'Nuff said?
Appearances can be deceiving. While most of the story would mainly be of
interest to those who enjoy reading about a happily submissive masochist
receiving a much-desired whipping, being ejaculated all over, and then being
ridden (Literally! She wears a bridle and he sits on her back!) and whipped
to orgasm, there is a surprise plot twist at the end that brought a grin to
my face, and raised my enjoyment rating by an entire point. Fantasy? Of
course. Suspend your disbelief for a few minutes.
When I said relatively literate, I meant it. Compared to many other stories
in the S/M genre, this particular one didn't have very many writing or detail
errors, and the author did show some imagination when describing events and
setting the scene. I could even understand Victoria's (that's the woman's
name) feelings and why she did what she did. That doesn't mean there aren't
problems, or other stories that are better. This story was spell-checked.
However, it wasn't proofread properly, and the errors do interfere somewhat
with the story line. Small details like "He went to sit down on the large
leather sofa facing her ..." followed a few seconds later by "Soon he was
jerking back violently against the chair..." cause one to watch for other
inconsistencies rather than becoming more deeply involved with what the
author is trying to get across.
Some advice that was given to me a while back may be appropriate for Domino
and other new writers looking to write good stories. First, write the story.
Set down your ideas into words. Play. Have fun. Then, when you think
you've got what you want in print, comes the work part. Read everything
critically. Look for the inconsistencies, the wrongly used words, the
difficult passages. Make your writing comprehensible and understandable.
Make it flow. Naturalize the spoken passages. Get someone else to read it
back to you. Finally, read it one more time to see if it still says what you
wanted to say in the first place. If you follow both steps, then, and only
then, will you end up with a story that someone else will have as much fun
reading as you did writing.
I'm not sure, but this seems to be Domino's first attempt at writing a story.
At least, I don't have any other stories by him/her, and couldn't find any
through the newsgroup archivers. If so, it is a decent first effort.
Rating:
Technical merit 7.5
Plot & character 8.5
Appeal to reviewer 7
"Paying For It" by J. Boswell (Hot wife) (Posted by Ole.Joe@poboxes.com )
Guest review by Piper.
If you're at all familiar with Boswell's other works, you know that he mainly
writes hot-wife/slut-wife stories, where the wife suddenly discovers a deeply
buried craving to have numerous large cocks deeply buried in her various
orifices. This is a rather good variant on the usual theme.
First off, Tim and Jessie (the narrator) are a happily married two-income
yuppie couple with 2 cars, a townhouse in the 'burbs, and no kids. They've
been together for years, and she has never cheated on him. One day, Jessie
is in a rush to go see some old friends, and she's short of cash. Rather
than taking time out to find a bank machine, she asks her hubby for some
money. "How badly do you need this cash?" the horny hunk asks as a joke. He
gets his answer when she whips out his cock and sucks him dry on the spot.
That gets her all hot and bothered too, but she heads off to see her friends
anyway, with her newly-earned cash in hand.
That's the start of a developing play theme for the two of them, with her
acting as his personal hooker. Any money she gets, whether for herself or
for the house, she has to earn. On the flip side, if he wants any, he has to
pay. They both like the fantasy, in and out of the house, and it leads to
some really hot times in various exotic locales, like the front seat of his
car in the mall parking lot, and a local hooker hangout.
All right. No problem so far. Just a 'normal' couple with a rather
well-developed fantasy life. So where's the "Boswellian" part of the story?
That comes when hubby heads off on a business tour and leaves wifey high and
dry, without relief and without fantasy play, for six whole weeks. Jessie
can't take that! No woman starring in a Boswell story could! "Just one
time," I imagine her muttering to herself. "Nobody will ever know. I'll
dress up a little classy, head down to the sleaze bar, and hang out a bit.
Nothing will happen. I can control myself. Really! Just one little drink,
and then back home again."
Yeah, right. Those words fit right in with "Just one more smoke and then
I'll quit," or "Don't worry, baby, I'll pull out," or "You can't get pregnant
the first time." So what happens when hubby finally gets home from his
business trip? If you know the genre, you know the answer.
I like this story. It's hot, it's fairly imaginative, and it has a good
build-up to an inevitable (at least, for Boswell) conclusion. It's also a
revamped version of the original, with most of the writing errors eliminated
and the dialog and plot smoothed out. While there are still a few minor
gaffs, they can be ignored. You don't have to be a fan of slut-wife tales to
enjoy this story.
Rating:
Technical merit 9.5
Plot & character 9
Appeal to reviewer 10
Grammar Tip of the Week: QUOTATIONS. Several people have asked me to give
some advice on the use of quotations, including quotation marks and
punctuation. This is a first draft, and I would appreciate any help on
getting it into better shape.
DIRECT QUOTATIONS: In general, when you quote someone exactly, put the quoted
words in quotation marks. {An exact quotation is often referred to as a
"direct quotation."}
He swaggered up to the lady at the bar and said,
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"
She leaned over so that he could see her naked breasts
with the nipples pressing out against the bright yellow
material and whispered, "Wanna fuck?"
Ordinarily, you should use a comma to separate introductory or concluding
words from the direct quotation. This is true whether the words that
describe the statement come before the direct quotation (as in the preceding
examples) or after the direct quotation. When the quotation comes before the
explanatory statement, the comma replaces a period.
When she realized that he could hold back his orgasm no
longer, she said to him, "Come on my tits."
"Come on my tits," she said to him, when she realized that
he could hold back his orgasm no longer.
If the statement precedes the explanatory statement and ends in an
exclamation point or question mark, keep that punctuation mark INSTEAD OF the
comma.
"Wanna fuck?" she asked.
She purred, "Wanna fuck?"
As she gently fondled his testicles she continued to lick and
suck his penis, causing him to shout, "Eeeeeeeiiiiiiiiii!"
"Eeeeeeeiiiiiiiiii!" he shouted, as she gently fondled his
testicles, while she continued to lick and suck his penis.
"How badly do you need the money?" the horny hunk
asked.
If you want a more formal introduction of the quoted words, use a colon
instead of a comma. This more formal introduction will almost always be a
full sentence.
She spoke thus: "Wanna fuck?"
As she gently fondled his testicles she continued to lick and
suck his penis, causing him to shout one word:
"Eeeeeeeiiiiiiiiii!"
Also, if a quotation is extremely long, use a colon instead of a comma.
"Long" means different things to different people, and authors vary in their
application of this rule. In general, if the quoted statement is a single
sentence, use a comma to introduce it. If it is more than a single sentence,
use a colon - unless the sentences are extremely short.
She said: "You look like a guy who needs a woman to
understand him. By the looks of that bulge in your pants,
you are happy to see me. My mother told me a hard man
is good to find. I haven't had a good or hard man in a long
time. Wanna fuck?"
She said, "Wanna fuck? I sure hope so!"
If the quotation is extremely long - that is, if it goes on for more than one
paragraph, put quotation marks at the beginning of each paragraph. However,
put an end quotation mark only at the end of the final paragraph of the
quoted statement. The absence of quotation marks at the end of the other
paragraphs signifies to the reader that the conversation continues in the
next paragraph.
If you have a quotation within a quotation, rotate between single and double
quotation marks. {Use an apostrophe for the single quotation mark.} In the
United States, the double marks go with the outermost quotation; in Europe
the single marks go with the outermost quotation.
Peggy Sue said, "I love it when a man comes up to me and
straight out says to me, 'Wanna fuck?' I don't like men who
beat around my bush."
An INDIRECT QUOTATION usually does not quote the exact words, but rather
paraphrases what the speaker said. An indirect quotation is usually
introduced by "that" and does not employ quotation marks.
Note that with indirect quotations, the verb tense and some other elements of
the original statement change to give the right impression of the timing of
the quoted material with regard to the explanatory material.
Sometimes the word "that" is omitted from an indirect quotation.
Direct quotation: He said, "I want to make love to you."
Indirect quotation: He said that he wanted to make love
to me.
Indirect quotation: He said he wanted to make love to me.
Direct quotation: Jethro said to Maribeth, "I'd like to bury
my beef bayonet in your haystack tonight."
Indirect quotation: Jethro said to Maribeth that he'd like to
bury his beef bayonet in her haystack that night.
Indirect QUESTIONS often begin with "if" or "whether." In addition, they may
begin with any word that ordinarily asks a question. Indirect questions do
NOT end with a question mark.
Direct question. "Wanna fuck?" she asked.
Indirect question: She asked me if I wanted to fuck.
Indirect question: She asked me whether I wanted to fuck.
Indirect question: She asked me how often I wanted to
fuck.
Indirect question: She asked me how desperately I
wanted to fuck.
Indirect question: He swaggered up to the lady at the bar
and asked what a nice girl like her was doing in a
place like this.
Although quotation marks are generally not used with indirect quotations,
sometimes it IS proper to use them in order to emphasize that the portion
within the quotation marks represent the exact words of the original speaker.
He swaggered up to the lady at the bar and asked what
what "a nice girl like her was doing in a place like this."
She asked me "how desperately" I wanted to fuck.
Note that in the first of the preceding examples the writer changed the
speaker's words slightly - "is" became "was." This is normally considered to
be acceptable. If you are uncertain whether you have the right to alter the
speakers words, use a direct quotation.
OTHER WAYS TO HANDLE QUOTATIONS: In addition to using quotation marks and
indirect quotations, it is possible to quote people in other ways.
When you are formally quoting a long passage (say, a whole paragraph from a
book or a major portion of a speech), it may be desirable to set the material
off in the text by indenting it. If you do this, introduce it with a colon.
Then indent all the quoted material. A format like the following is often
desirable:
While she waited, Peggi read the church bulletin that she
always carried with her. The pastor had a sense of humor:
It seems that two brothers died and went before St.
Peter. The first was a politician who had voted for
legislation that enriched himself at the expense of
the poor and downtrodden. St. Peter sentenced him
to a very hot part of hell, where his job would be to
clean up excrement deposited by animals.
As the man was leaving, he saw his brother, who had
been an unscrupulous lawyer, but who now had a
voluptuous blonde in a low-cut dress on his arm.
The man was startled, because he knew that his
brother had made his living largely by suing churches
and poor people.
The outraged man turned to St. Peter and said, "Hey!
That's not fair!"
St. Peter replied, "Who are you to question that
woman's punishment?"
In the preceding example, the whole quotation from the church bulletin
(beginning with "It seems that... ") is indented, so that readers know where
the quoted material begins and ends. Quotation marks are not necessary: the
indentation serves the same purpose. Within that lengthy quotation, other
direct quotations follow the normal rules.
In some cases, - for example, when you are quoting a lengthy dialogue - it
is also possible to omit the quotation marks altogether by using a
play/script format, as in the following example from my story "Virtuous
Reality":
Madonna: Well, let's see, the names of the people that I have had sex
with recently... Who's the name of the guy I slept with last night, What's
the name of the guy I did in the park this afternoon...
Oprah: That's what I want to find out. So tell me.
Madonna: I just said Who's the name of the guy I slept with last night,
What's the name of the guy I did in the park this afternoon....
Oprah: You've had sex with these guys?
Madonna: Yes.
Oprah: And was it good?
Madonna: It's always good.
Oprah: And you talked to them before, during, or after sex?
Madonna: Yes.
Oprah: And you still don't know their names?
Madonna: Well, I certainly do.
Finally, some authors of fiction quote people directly without using
quotation marks. They seem to make a distinction between quoted speech
(which receives quotation marks) and quoted thoughts (which do not).
WHAT ELSE GOES INSIDE QUOTATION MARKS?
Titles of short writings or works of art are usually put in quotation marks.
While he fucked her in the ass, she heard him humming
"Both Sides Now" by Judy Collins.
Most of what she knew about sex she had learned by
"Friends" on TV.
The titles of longer writings and more sophisticated works of art are usually
italicized (or underlined, if italics are not available). Since underling
and italics are impossible in text files transmitted through e-mail, it has
become common practice to use quotation marks for ALL titles. However, some
writers prefer to replace underlining with techniques such as the following:
The seduction was like a chapter out of _Lady Chatterly_.
The seduction was like a chapter out of *Lady Chatterly*.
The seduction was like a chapter out of LADY CHATTERLY.
Sometimes it is proper to put in quotation marks a word or phrase that you
want to define.
By "oral sex" I mean either a blowjob or cunnilingus. She,
on the other hand, uses the term to refer to talking about
sex but not doing it.
Sometimes it is proper to put a word or phrase in quotation marks to show
that you are using it in an unusual or special sense or to draw attention to
the word.
He uses language so cleverly that sometimes I think he's
a "cunning linguist." {The writer is making a pun about
cunnilingus.}
He expressed his "love" for her by beating her severely and
humiliating her in front of her friends." {The writer is
suggesting that the word "love" is being used ironically -
that is, the man calls this love, but the writer doubts that
this term is accurate.}
Avoid the overuse of quotation marks for this purpose.
WHERE TO PUT PUNCTUATION.
Put inside the quotation marks any punctuation that is actually a part of the
quotation.
"Did you learn about sex by watching 'TV sitcoms?" he
asked, as she began to choke on his cum.
Put commas and periods inside the final quotation mark, even if they are not
part of the quotation.
While she sucked his cock, he gazed in rapture at the
picture of "Dogs Playing Poker."
"I learned to do this from an episode of 'Beavis and
Butthead,'" she said, as she swirled her tongue gently
around the tip of his cock.
When they are not part of the quotation, put other quotation marks (colons,
semicolons, dashes, question marks, etc.) outside the final quotation mark.
She had perfected her sexual technique through many
hours of watching "Days of Our Lives"; but her partner's
training was limited to "Beavis and Butthead."
She said, "I want you to come inside me"; but he had
already shot his wad all over her tits.
Such decisions as whether to use direct or indirect quotations, whether to
put the explanatory comments at the beginning, at the end, or in the middle,
and whether to use quotation marks are a matter of preference and style.
These decisions DO make a difference in the exact nuances conveyed by the
quotations, but these distinctions cannot be discussed here.
Quotations should be skillfully blended into the text, so that the words of
the speakers sound natural. Here's an excerpt from "Virtuous Reality" that
contains quoted dialogue. See if you can understand the logic behind how I
handled each direct or indirect quotation.
As she thought about these problems, Sue sighed deeply and uttered a
barely audible murmur: "I'll never write an erotic story again. Dear God, I
wish I had never written an erotic story at all."
Suddenly, Sue was aware that there was someone else in the room with
her. She spun around in her chair and was alarmed to see standing just
inside the locked door a beautiful dark haired woman. She was dressed in
diaphanous clothing that Sue associated with statues she had seen while
cavorting in the Aegean Islands. The woman exuded a sensuous sexuality that
made the room come alive. "Who are you?" asked Sue. "And what are you doing
here?"
"I'm Celeste. We've corresponded through alt.sex.stories. And I'm
here to help you."
"You're Celeste?" gasped Sue. "The goddess of alt.sex.stories?"
"Well," replied the beautiful apparition. "I've been called that; but
I'm more like an angel."
"You're as beautiful as I imagined you'd be," said Sue, as she
continued to wonder what in the world was happening.
"And you're almost as beautiful as you say you are in your stories,"
replied Celeste. After a pause, Celeste continued: "To be honest, I'm not
actually a full angel yet. I've met most of the requirements, but I still
have to do one more good deed. I've been sent here as sort of your guardian
angel. That bit about wishing you had never written an erotic story began
with 'Dear God.' That constitutes a prayer. The Boss was upset by your
comment, and she sent me here to help you get over your malaise or angst or
whatever you want to call it."
"Your boss?" replied Sue. When Celeste responded by merely folding her
arms and raising her eyes toward the heavens, Sue began to get the message.
"I've always heard your Boss referred to as 'he' or 'him,'" she said.
"Actually, my Boss is neither a he nor a she," answered Celeste. "I
just prefer the feminine pronoun, because so many men are assholes. Men
write stories on a.s.s. that degrade women and describe harm to little boys
and girls. But this isn't a theological essay. It's a sex story. Can I get
on with what I came here for?"
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