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Subject: Celestial Reviews 196 - July 5
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Celestial Reviews 196 - July 5, 1997
Note: Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of the first issue of Celestial
Reviews. Imagine that! Have one on me! That first issue contained six
reviews. I have learned a lot and have come a long way since then. I have
replaced TV watching with reading stories from this newsgroup. Just for the
fun of it, I am going to repost my first two reviews - but I'll adapt them
slightly to my current rating system. If anyone has these two stories
("Bank" by Deirdre and "Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas) I would appreciate
seeing them reposted.
The alt.sex.stories newsgroup has really changed since then. It has become
overwhelmed by people known as limp dicks, who post so much spam that it is
difficult to find the actual stories. However, there are substantially more
good stories now than there used to be. I strongly recommend that both
authors and readers use alt.sex.stories.moderated to post and find stories.
Eli the Bearded has done an excellent job of eliminating the spam and
stockpiling stories on that newsgroup.
I'd also like to pay tribute to Ole Joe, whose "Alt.sex.stories - A
Subculture" is a wonderful compendium of information about the authors and
stories on this newsgroup.
About the time I post CR 200 I plan to issue a summary list of all the
stories I have reviewed. It is my understanding that there are a couple of
people that have archived my reviews at their web sites, and several people
archive stories. I'll bring you up to date on all these web sites as soon as
I can authenticate my data. The combination of all this information should
enable you to find enough good reading material to exhaust all but the most
industrious perverts.
Second Note: I apologize for delays in posting some of these reviews. The
guest reviewers have helped greatly, and I appreciate their assistance; but
there are simply too many stories to review. If you sent me a story and I
have not yet reviewed it, it's OK to send me a note to jar my memory.
Third Note: Someone called to my attention that I gave a Smith rating instead
of a Celeste rating to most of my regular reviews in CR 194 and 195. It
would be incorrect to assume that my name is Celeste Smith or that Michael K.
wrote all those reviews. It's hard to explain how I make mistakes like that.
I see two possible explanations. One is that I spend so much time reading
these stories and writing these reviews that sometimes my husband starts
foreplay while I'm at the computer - and in some cases he even includes me as
part of that foreplay. This leeds to misstakees that I sometimes fail to
corrrect. The other possibility is that the people from the Christian
Coalition may have access to a demon inside my computer or somewhere along
the line in the Internet. I think the latter is the more likely explanation,
because I am relly able to ignore my hisband when he trys to pull sometehing
cute.
The real explanation is that I used cut and paste incorrectly and failed to
notice the mistake.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Second Chance" by James Lawson (romance) 8, 7, 7
"Going Up?" by David (bar & elevator sex) 6, 7, 7
"Any Other Way" by L. Corvidae (D&s) 9, 7, 6
"Young and Nubile in London" by Unknown Author
(young girls) 5, 7, 7
"Correspondence" by Taria (the college experience)
10, 10, 10
"The Scheme" by Xpost (pedophile incest) 10, 10, 9
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (hot sex in school closet)
10, 10, 10
"The Contest" by Scarlet Pimp(ernel) (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"No Tan Lines" by Unknown Author (coworker sex)
10, 10, 10
"Hell Hath No Fury" by Darkside (science fiction) 10, 10, 10
"Mariya" by Luis Woolsbury (touching romance) 10, 10, 10
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (hot sex in school closet)
10, 10, 10
"Showoff" by Sexy Brunette (exhibitionism)
"Through the Looking Glass" by Taria (alternate universes)
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been reposted):
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (jealousy &
romance) 10, 10, 10
* "Bank" by Deirdre (mind control)
* "Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas (emerging adolescence)
10, 10, 10
"Second Chance" by James Lawson (jdlawson@cybrtyme.com). The woman has been
kept as a sex slave by a man who was interested mostly in humiliating her for
his own pleasure. When the house burns down with him in it, she gains her
freedom (a nice touch, since I am reviewing this on Independence Day). A
virtuous man finds her; they fall in love and get married; and they live
happily ever after. This is a nice idea for a plot, but there's really not
much more to this story than what I have stated in this summary.
Ratings for "Second Chance"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Going Up?" by David (david@innercite.com). I have never actually had sex on
an elevator - at least not if having sex means full vaginal penetration with
ejaculation inside the body of one of the participants. My non-participation
has something to do with my awareness that elevators tend to have hidden
cameras and other security devices and that one can get arrested for indecent
expossure in this country. However, elevator sex is among my favorite
fantasies. This fantasy started several years ago - around our tenth
anniversary, in fact - when my husband decided to tease me in an elevator.
We were already packed like sardines - nobody talking to anybody else - when
this young chick with huge breasts and a tight ass and almost no bathing suit
got into the elevator with her boyfriend. They were obviously very hot for
each other, and they started to kiss passionately while everyone else
pretended not to notice. I felt a hand fondling my asscheeks, and I realized
(and verified) that it was my husband's. Like I said, he was teasing me, and
so I decided to call his bluff. Without letting anyone else notice, I
unzipped his fly; and to make a long story short, he got a lot further around
the base paths than the guy with Miss Asscheeks. I didn't swallow, of
course; but I did lick - very discreetly - my hand, that is.
Well, that was the start. I soon discovered that I could tell by sniffing
whether a person on an elevator had recently had sex - I could do this even
without bending or going anywhere near the person's crotch. This led to
interesting fantasies. Reversing this process, I also realized that other
people could probably suspect when I was in heat, and this led to other
fantasies. But since I am supposed to be reviewing this story, I had better
stop here. I am not even going to mention that elevator sex has its ups and
downs.
Anyway, this is a story about a guy who picks up a sexy lady in the hotel bar
and then they go for a ride on the elevator and engage in various sexual
activities. The grammar is a bit distracting, but it's otherwise a pretty
good story - though not as good as some of my actual accomplishments and
nowhere close to some of my fantasies.
Grammar note: Take a look at this sentence: "I watched her over the top of
my book slowly sipping the last of my beer as she selected an isolated stool
at the end of the bar." The way it's written, I think this sentence means
that the guy looked over the top of his book and saw this lady sipping the
last of his beer as she selected an isolated stool at the end of the bar.
The author should have said, "As I watched her over the top of my book while
I slowly sipped the last of my beer, she selected an isolated stool at the
end of the bar." I dunno; maybe I'm being picky. I think it's because my
elevator story would have been better than this one.
Ratings for "Going Up?"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Any Other Way" by L. Corvidae (corvidae1@aol.com). Asslinn has been in love
with Jake since the time she approached him four months ago in the juice bar
of the health club, but so far their relationship has been pure and chaste.
Asslinn had been molested as a child and had experienced some other problems
growing up, and she has had a problem relating to men. But Jake is
understanding, and they eventually make tender love.
No, that last sentence would make sense. Jake is understanding, but instead
of making tender love to him, Asslinn ties him spread eagle and tortures him
for her personal gratification. Actually, abused women do have dysfunctional
relationships like this; and so the story is somewhat realistic. The problem
is that the story does not give enough details to get across the full impact
- that is, it doesn't really explain why a young woman would act in this
warped manner or what impact her actions had on her or her lover.
Ratings for "Any Other Way"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Young and Nubile in London" by Unknown Author (THC Archive). The narrator li
kes girls who look young. Anne could pass for 13 or 14, but she's actually
well past 16. She has almost no breasts but very nice nipples. The author
describes here nether regions with this awkward sentence: "Her slit was as
smooth as silk I couldn't resist feeling myself while I turned my attention
to her neat, tiny bottom." It's sentences like this that give a bad name to
dirty old men! First, there should be a period after "silk." Then there
should be an "it" before "myself." As it is now written, the second sentence
says that they guy fondled his own balls while he looked at her ass.
Actually, if the guy likes girls that look so young, maybe he's only 12 or 13
himself. Maybe this is pretty good language for a young, nubile, sexed-out
British schoolboy.
Ratings for "Young and Nubile in London"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Scheme" by Xpost (xpost@hotmail.com). This could be regarded as a
grown-up version of the previous story. Tracey will turn 13 in two weeks.
Her father believes that a girl is at her ripest, her most perfect, at age
13. "You need to pop her cherry then," he says, "when she's right at the edge
of innocence, so she learns how to fuck, how to really get into it." He adds,
"I'm going to break our baby in. I'm going to make sure she turns out a
perfect little slut. That sweet little body is made for all sorts of sex."
At this point - assuming this conversation is occurring on an American TV
talk show - about half the audience applauds while the other half boos. Some
guys in the back start barking, and after a pause for a commercial Tracey
herself comes out onto the stage and sits between her mother and father.
Amidst more booing and barking, the host says to the parents, "What are you
- some kind of fucking idiots?" The mother will reply, "Nah! I never
thought he really meant it. I thought those were just things he said while
he was fucking me doggie style and beating me with the riding crop - you
know, trying to turn me on so that I'd have a really great orgasm."
Then the husband will make a threatening move toward the wife, but the husky
security guards will intervene, while he shouts, "Duh! What's good enough
for my pappy is good enough for me! If this bothered Tracey, why wouldn't
she just say so. After all, you keep her bound and gagged right next to the
bed while her brother and I fuck your brains out every night after we feed
the chickens." The camera will flash to a nun in the audience, who is
shaking her head sadly while the man next to her seems to be masturbating
with one hand while he barks and waves his other hand in a fist over his
head.
Actually, I made up everything after the initial quotation in the first
paragraph of this review. What the wife really does is this: she goes to a
doctor and tells him in strictest confidence what he husband is planning to
do. The doctor is an honorable man - so are they all, all honorable men. He
says to her, "First cut the bastard's dick off, then blow his brains out with
a shotgun. I'll get you a good lawyer, and with therapy you'll get over this
asshole. Give your daughter a chance to avoid a life like your own."
Well, I lied again. Even though I know (because a nun once told me so) that
two wrongs don't make a right, there's something about depravity that brings
out my mendacity. I just can't bring myself to tell you exactly what happens
in this story. Either of my scenarios would be plausible. This family could
make a mint on American TV talk shows.
Ratings for The Scheme
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Correspondence" by Taria (Taria29c@aol.com). Tari has gone away to college,
and so has her friend Kathy. These letters from Tari to Kathy summarize her
sexual growth during her college years.
If you have ever read someone else's personal letters, you know how
interesting (or how boring!) this can be. The letters are more interesting
if the writer is spontaneous and honest, and those words describe Tari in
this story. There's really not much else I can tell you about this story,
except that I think you'll enjoy it. I know I did.
At first I found this story to be a "difficult read," because the style was
jerky and there were some punctuation problems; but then I realized that the
author was trying to imitate the style of an undergrad who was hurriedly
writing her private thoughts to her best friend. After the first two
letters, I got used to the style and enjoyed the rest of the story immensely.
Ratings for "Correspondence"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (mrm1ke@aol.com). Like this author's stories
themselves, my reviews of them should be read out loud, or at least very
loudly in silence, in order to get full impact from them. With that in mind,
I ask you, which would be a more clever title "Fucking Celeste by Mike Hunt"
or "Fucking Mike Hunt by Celeste"?
The title is deliberately ambiguous. My Unabridged Random House dictionary
gives the accurate definition of the first word of the title, which would
properly be paraphrased as the mumbled phrase "Confounded Celeste!" This
title takes on a second meaning when Mike visits his nephew's teacher and is
forced into a compromising position that cannot be resolved without full
vaginal penetration of a person alleged to be Yours Truly. As if that pun is
not enough, the author adduces a theory that the Blowjob Principle is a
misspelling for an activity that Celeste performs for the person who
administers her school.
This is a very good story, but the disclaimer is not as creative as some that
I have seen. In addition, I should point out that Mike has been spearheading
<g> an attempt to improve my system of guest reviewers. {This may sound like
matter for a "note," but stay with me on this one.} Mike's fundamental
assertion is that he feels the authors should use their regular pseudonyms
when writing their guest reviews, because this will enable both readers and
the persons whose stories are being reviewed to make better use of any
criticism contained in the reviews. Mike's point is well taken, and I have
adopted a policy of allowing authors to stick with their regular names if
they insist, even though I continue to advise an "alternate pseudonym."
My reason for advising this practice is that I seriously believe that using
the same name would _for many authors_ cause undesirable pressures that
would weaken either their reviews or their stories.
Indeed, I'm not sure how much can be gained by knowing that So-and-So is the
author of both a specific story and a specific review. As someone else has
pointed out to me, it is by no means true that the best authors are likely to
be the best reviewers. Authors tend to be specialists who are intensely
involved in an area of expertise, whereas reviewing requires a more
generalized interest or expertise and an ability to look at a story more
objectively. {As I said, stay with me.... There's a punchline coming up.}
I'll grant that some people can be both good reviewers and good authors, but
I wouldn't count on it; and I think that for many of us the absence of
anonymity would reduce our objectivity. I think it makes more sense to look
at, say, Piper's reviews for several weeks and to form an opinion about
his/her insight than to start from the assumption that because Piper writes
good stories his/her reviews must be good.
Let me use myself as an example. I think I write good reviews, and I think I
am CAPABLE of writing good stories. I have posted only one story ("Virtuous
Reality"), and I really felt uncomfortable doing so. I had such thoughts as
these: How can I expect people to continue listening to my advice when I am
probably going to screw this story up? Won't people be extremely harsh in
evaluating my story, since I have been critical of so many stories myself?
Won't people have less respect for my reviews if my story really sucks?
Etc. I guess I could "just get over it," but these were real concerns to me,
and I think numerous other potential reviewers would have similar reactions.
This is why I recommend the alternate pseudonym.
Of course, it should be obvious to you that I could solve this problem simply
by posting my stories under a different name. Indeed, perhaps I have already
done so! One correspondent has suggested that the anonymity of AOL would
make it possible for Danielle Steele to act out her fantasies by pretending
to be an English teacher who writes reviews for this newsgroup. How can
anyone really prove this is not the case? Well, actually Danielle does not
write or think very much like me. Who does? There's only one person that I
can think of.
The only reasonable answer is that I am really Mike Hunt. {In case you
missed it, the previous sentence was the punchline.}
Think about it. On a.s.s.d. I was recently accused of having a sophomoric
sense of humor. What more need I say? I have just reviewed a story by Mike
Hunt entitled "Fucking Celeste" in which Mike Hunt is pressed up against a
sexy teacher in a closet at the Sadley Virgin School. Hmmm.... Maybe I have
overstated the case a little. As I said earlier in this review, I can write
better puns than those. But if I were Mike Hunt or were Mike Hunt I, then
this story could be entitled "Fucking Myself!" That's the sort of humor that
both Mike and I would be proud of.
Here's further evidence - I claim that both my husband and I are heterosexual
and monogamous, but I admit that my husband regularly fucks my cunt. {Get
it? Mike Hunt - my cunt! See the pattern yet?}
And besides, I can't be Plainman, because he writes much better than either
Mike or I.
Here are two of my favorite excerpts from the story:
"I lowered my fly and withdrew my cock. Sticking straight out, it made
closing the door impossible." {Ouch! He must have really wanted to keep that
door open!}
"He {the nephew who has been boinking the girl in the supply closet} needs a
little help. His technique is very amateurish." {It would have been more fun
to say "His technique is ALSO very amateurish." You have to read this in
context, I guess; but the ALSO would be intended to mean that both the kid's
technique and his knowledge were amateurish or that both the kid's and Mike's
techniques were amateurish. In fact, this line PROVES that this story is a
fraud. The real Celeste would never miss an opportunity for an enigmatic
provocation of Mike Hunt.}
All goofy remarks aside, this is another very good story. I appreciate the
tribute and accept it in the spirit in which it was intended.
Fucking Mike Hunt! Indeed.
Ratings for "Fucking Celeste"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Contest" by Scarlet Pimp(ernel). The main thread in this parody of the
NBC sitcom "Friends" is that the girls are staging a beauty contest to make
the guys judge which of them has the nicest body. In addition, numerous
subplots crisscross throughout the story. The characters stay in character -
that is, they act in the sack just about the way we'd expect them to; and the
action is generally sexy as well as humorous. As the girls engage in
subversive activities to obtain the guys' votes, we learn interesting details
- for example, Ross was Monica's first blowjob (when they were kids in the
tub together). This is a very good story.
Ratings for "The Contest"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review is written by BluePencil. I am not going to tell
you whether he/she is a frequent author on this newsgroup. He's just a good
reviewer.
"No Tan Lines" by Unknown Author (THC Repost). Daydreaming about a coworker
is fairly common. Most of us have probably done it at some time. For most
of us, it ends there; the attraction may not be mutual, we may already be in
a relationship, or we may fear that the consequences if we've made a
misjudgment.
Our nameless narrator feels all these things. Though he has been attracted
to Anna since they started working together, he has kept himself under
control. Until the day, with both their spouses out of town on business
trips, Anna catches him staring at her longingly. He turns red. She turns
red. They both attempt to apologize. And within a couple of paragraphs he
makes the titular discovery.
The first time appears accidental. But when she invites him to work at her
house the next day, he discovers that she is still lonely, how she avoids tan
lines, that she enjoys anal sex - and that she has timed things such that she
takes her husband's daily phone call as things work out well in the end.
(Yes, I am proud of that last sentence)
I was particularly impressed that the author managed to carry it off with a
minimum of physical descriptions - something of a rarity in the genre. No
improbable physical endowments or superhuman performances here: we learn that
Anna is tall, lean, and blonde, but we never learn her bust, dress, or shoe
size. Our narrator is male, but we never learn his name or appearance. And
though the story is both physical or graphic, all we ever learn about his
penis is that he has one, and it functions normally; we never learn that it
is above average in length, unusually thick, or even "magnificent"
(definitely a rarity in the genre!).
A well-written, literate, and very hot story.
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot and character): 9
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9
The following guest review has been submitted by Green Onions, who has posted
several stories on this newsgroup.
"Hell Hath No Fury" [novella] by Darkside. A driver has a flat tire on a
lonely road. Spare to change? Sorry, none in the trunk. Night falls on the
man without a plan.
The stars blink brightly in the clear black sky as his chances of surviving
begin to flicker out. Snow appears. Lost and alone, he waits for the end of
his life in the white darkness.
And yet when all optimism seems to have faded into the freezing wilderness
there emerges (from behind a hidden chorus of weeping violins) a vision of
hope that flies gracefully across the horizon of his dimming consciousness,
singing its mystical song, ready to deftly snatch the hapless wayfarer from
the drooling unflossed Jaws of Death.
Is it a bird? A plane? An optical illusion? No--it's Florence Nightingale:
_after_ she graduated from medical school.
And so not a moment too soon is the Grim Reaper's task interrupted by the
talents of a skilled, sensitive, tall, brilliant, blue-eyed, lithe busty rich
young female physician with near-perfect abs.
She first asks the nurse to check his insurance. Then she saves his life.
And so the dream continues. They fall for each other; he proposes to her.
Their engagement progresses like clockwork to the final misty moment as
family, friends, and myriad onlookers gather to witness the anticipated
instant when he will place the golden ring of their sacred unity upon her
willing finger.
It seems that all is right with the world. Surely they will love out their
lives in an era of peace, happiness, hot sex, low taxes, and white picket
fences.
Well, as one of Douglas Adam's characters once said in _The Hitchhiker's
Guide to the Galaxy_: "Sorry, wrong universe!"
As the sun beats down on the expectant crowd he explains that he does not
love her and cannot marry her. Her parents are glaring hatefully, she is
sobbing pitifully and he is shrugging philosophically. Better luck next time.
Or better sense, perhaps. Because the Doctor was a dream and he needs someone
real. Not a vision but a spouse. Not a fantasy, but flesh and soul. And after
two long years he finds and marries her with little hesitation. The second
time is indeed the charm--even if her stomach isn't quite as flat, she is
still young and attractive, affectionate, smart, tall and slim.
But what of his first love, of the brilliant blue-eyed shapely svelte angel
of the steel table who had saved his life, savored his love, and was
jilted--indeed brutally humiliated--in front of her friends and family?
Hell, if you thought biblical characters tend to suffer more than others for
spurning the affections of the smooth-faced gender, read this story and think
again!
And what could be a more fitting punishment for an ungrateful insensitive,
thoughtless and callously cruel male jerk than to be forced to suffer the
indignities of _becoming_ a woman? His fate will not be limited to the
experience of being in a female body, but will also include the
transformation of his mind.
Yes, She will have her way with him. She will make his dream into her
nightmare. And in more than one respect.
This is not an ordinary TG (trans-gender) piece, nor is it a classic sex
story or a typical tale of revenge, mystery--yes there is a
murder--cumuppance (gee, did I misspell that?), or even an ironic, slightly
humorous psychological sci-fi erotic thriller. It's all of those bound
together with a tight plot and topped off with a tempting smorgasbord of
diverse sexual blandishments.
In case you thought I might be blowing my load prematurely, I should also
point out that this piece could be even better if the author diverged from
some typical tendencies of erotica and romance writers (including most a.s.s.
contributors). For starters I might occasionally prefer to see characters in
longer stories developed with a third dimension--the sorts of accents,
nuances, habits, hobbies, mannerisms, peculiarities and idiosyncrasies that
we typically observe in real people. Such details can often be worked into
plots with little effort.
While Darkside's prose is better than most, I also sometimes wish a.s.s.
writers would pause more often to allow their readers to "smell the roses"
(or hear the cadences) of their phrases and the rhythm of their sentences.
Words can do more than convey information.
And although I am often at odds with the well-worshipped deity who is hosting
this review, she and I agree on one thing: maybe there is room for
protagonists whose bodies are not quite so heavenly. If one goal of erotica
is to help us appreciate love and sexuality, then perhaps a.s.s. authors
could provide us with a few (especially female) characters now and then who
just happen to fall short of certain popular physical ideals.
Yet I quibble . . . this is an _excellent_ novella. Read it.
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Green Onions (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review is written by Figment, who recently posted a story
on this newsgroup.
"Mariya" by Luis Woolsbury (Luis_Woolsbury@hotmail.com). This is not a "sex
story" per se. That is, if you want to read a lot of dirty words, don't go
here. "Mariya" touches the heart more than any other part of the body.
The narrator is a thirtysomething professional who finds himself falling for
a girl who rides his bus. The girl, Mariya, is young - she's in junior high
or high school (the narrator doesn't ask, and he isn't good at guessing
ages), and she's an immigrant from Belarus. She leads a sheltered life until
the narrator takes her under his wing. He takes her out for lunch; he takes
her to a movie; he takes her shopping for clothes her mother can't afford;
and finally, he takes her virginity.
I won't say more about the plot - you should read the story for it. "Mariya"
is an impressive work of fiction. It actually evokes emotion. Again, though,
don't read it if you just want something to masturbate to. There's a very sad
undertone to the whole story; the author sets it up from the beginning, when
the narrator first sees Mariya waiting for the bus in the gloomy weather. The
narrator seems to really regret what happens between him and Mariya - not
because making love to a girl so young is wrong by society's standards; but
because the two of them genuinely do love one another, and it's apparent from
square one that Mariya's age (and her ethnicity) will prevent the couple
from living happily ever after.
This story is sad, but it isn't depressing - merely touching. The sex *is*
well-written - it's very realistic; and you don't feel like you're reading
your typical nasty-pedophile-fucks-little-girl-and-she-likes-it story. In
fact, you don't feel like you're reading anything "wrong." The way the
author has set the story up, you understand why the narrator is having sex
with Mariya; only the most hardcore Christian Coalitionist would label the
narrator a pervert. Anyone else'd just say he was in love.
Technical Quality: 10
Plot & Character: 10
Appeal to Reviewer: 10
The following review was written by Friar Dave, who has posted many stories
to this newsgroup.
"Showoff" by Sexy Brunette (virtualdrg@aol.com). This is a story that is
redeemed by its flaws. While the spelling is generally fine, the punctuation
underscores the voice of the writer: This is an exhibitionist who has decided
to extend her particular thrill into text, letting us hear her enjoyment, in
lieu of seeing it.
"I swear, I can almost come just knowing that someone is watching me," it
begins, and the story goes on to start with a sampling of her flashing at the
age of "12 or 13," a description of how she escalated into blatant
exhibitionism -- masturbating for her brother in order to deflect his threat
to tell their folks -- and a few tidbits of her more recent, adult escapades.
It should have been incredibly arousing; here is what sounds genuinely like a
real woman describing being naughty. But it wasn't, and that's because she
never tells us how SHE feels -- only the effect she has on others.
And, too, there is an inherent cruelty in what she does, flashing the lawn
boy, the delivery boy, a nephew. She enjoys arousing them to the point where
they have to "leave the room," presumably to choke the chicken, but she never
delivers one-on-one touching, hugging pleasures to them. She indulges herself
at the expense of the watchers, who never asked her to tease them.
(A note: Those who knew me from WCFF know I tend to be gently unforgiving in
my ratings and always eager to help folks express themselves. The same
criteria apply in The Abby -- a part of a no-charge BBS -- and here.)
Because of my proclivities toward the consensual and the caring, this story
left me cold, On a scale of <F> (only for fans of the genre) to (the very
best, exceeded only by the vanishingly rare <!> rating) SHOWOFF gets a <C>.
The wooden, methodicalness (Is that a word?) of the writing, the lack of
passion in the telling, the reluctance -- even recalcitrance -- of the writer
to tell us as much about her feelings as she will show us of her body put me
off. You may enjoy the story immensely; I did not.
That said, I would encourage "Sexy Brunette" to keep writing. The
authenticity of her voice comes through wonderfully. But please, PLEASE, SB.
tell us what YOU feel.
And -- by the way -- where were you when I was a teenager and desperately
needed you?
The following review was written by Fiddler, a reviewer whose hidden identity
is particularly galling to Mike Hunt but perfectly OK as far as my cunt is
concerned. {One of the bracketed comments at the end of this review is
apocryphal.}
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (mrm1ke@aol.com). This story has two Mike
Hunts. M1ke Hunt is an author who complains about "fucking Celeste" because
he thinks her reviews have been insufficiently laudatory. He fears that she
might even assign his next story to a guest reviewer. To work off his
frustration, he writes a story about a character named Mike Hunt who visits
his nephew's teacher in lieu of the boy's mother who has been unavoidably
delayed.
Since the identity of the teacher was telegraphed in the title, I'll let you
read the story to find how Mike gets from the present participle to the
gerund. You definitely should read it. If you are already a M*ke Hunt fan,
you'll be pleased that he no longer uses those weird high-ascii marks.
He should learn, however, that the Bureau of Labor Statistics collects
unemployment data from the Current Population Survey of households, rather
than from unemployment insurance records. {Good Point! - Celeste; Fucking
Fiddler - Mike Hunt.}
Athena: 10
Venus: 10
Fiddler: 10
The following guest review was written by Mat Twassel.
"Through the Looking Glass" by Taria. I'm a connoisseur of neither qvantum
physics nor comic books -- consequently I may not be especially well
qualified to review Taria's "Through the Looking Glass."
One of the things this story does is pose the question: What would it be like
to encounter someone exactly the same as oneself... except of the opposite
sex? Farce shouldn't necessarily preclude an enlightening exploration of
this issue, but to a great degree that's what happens here. Sometimes Taria
can write like the Dickens; in "Through the Looking Glass" she squanders her
material for the sake of some good laughs and hot easy sex.
What we have here is an Evil Being squeezing some universes together,
universes identical except that each male being in universe A is a female
being in universe B and each female being in universe A is male in universe
B. What happens when A and B get squeezed together? You probably guessed it.
Fuck city.
Meanwhile, a middle-aged German scientist is up on the roof of a midtown
brownstone madly tinkering with a device which might forestall the mayhem,
and he's got a couple of truly loony bodybuilder-type superhero pals to keep
him company. These superheroes are totally incompetent at everything, but
they do give the Doc license to explain (in layman's terms, so to speak) the
plot. Other heroes are busy in the skies above battling the forces of the
Evil Being, though the ordinary earthlings don't much notice this--they're
too occupied exploring their newly found identical opposites.
Tara felt Marc's cock jostle about within her as he
spread his legs where he stood and bent forward. And
then he cried out in pain for a moment and began to
press forward, pushed against her as Terry pushed his
cock deeper and deeper into Marc's ass. Tara felt their
combined weight pushing her back further against the
bed, felt Marc's cock drive deeper into her than ever
before, filling her completely as Terry filled him.
Tara cried out, the sound muffled by Marcia's pussy on
her face as she heard Marc begin to groan, a sound of
passion and intensity she had scarcely ever heard from
his lips. "I love you," she heard Terry say in her
voice, "and I love making love to you," and she could
feel it as Marc found a slow rhythm that allowed him
to match his thrusts to Terry's and fuck her as Terry
fucked HIM and she tried to match that with the tempo
of her licking of Marcia and she reached her hand back
and managed to insert her index finger into Marcia's
opening while she tongued her clit and then she
moistened her thumb in Marcia's pussy and slowly
entered Marcia's asshole with it and rubbed her
perineum from the inside between her thumb and
forefinger and Marcia began to buck on top
of her face as Tara's own passion washed over her in
waves from Terry and Marc's fucking--
Taria's writing is mostly relentless, occasionally madcap, and sometimes
long-winded: It's too bad that the cement mixer of oddly serious cartoon sex
must flatten whatever personalities Taria attempted to stuff into her
characters earlier on. Mid-orgy, it's a problem keeping some members of the
cast straight. Maybe that was the point. Or maybe it's part parody. But my
problem is I don't really care very much who is fucking whom or how or why or
whether the universes are going to end with bangs or a whimpers or both.
Too bad, too, that the scientist's loony rooftop pals never get it on. That
might have been more fun. Well, while the German Doc twiddled some screws he
did maintain his humor:
The Doctor removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge
of his nose, shutting his eyes as if he had a severe migraine.
"No matter," he said, turning back to his work. "It is
happenink, all ze same. I vish I had ze time to study zis
phenomenon fully, to see chust vhat really happens vhen
analogues interact consciously vith each other." He
fetched up a phillips-head screwdriver and began
manipulating his construct with it. "Ach. But zen
if my Grandmuzzer had vheels, she'd haff been a
trolley-car." He chuckled at the joke, and returned
his full concentration to the urgent tasks at hand.
I do enjoy Doc, but I might have liked him even more had he'd changed the
joke:
"But zen if my Grandmuzzer had veals, she'd haff been a
cow."
Finally, I've got to agree with Doc: I would have enjoyed this story more had
I been able to see chust what really happens vhen analogues interact...
... and then suddenly it was over and Marc collapsed
on top of her where she lay among the scattered
pillows on the bed and there was no one else in the
room and they lay there with his cum dripping
out of her and the blue VCR clock blinking
"12:00...12:00...12:00..." and then all was still.
A wonderfully descriptive moment in a rollicking, sometimes funny, sometimes
dull, generally overblown and curiously undernourished tale...
--Note to Taria:
Now if I were your writing conscience, I'd whisper, "Taria, what if you ended
the story with that blinking VCR? What if you started it with you main
character waking up from that strange sexy dream, and a raging storm outside,
and the body next to her that turns out not (for the moment, at least) to be
her husband but to be herself as a man? Forget about the Evil Being and the
Superhero clowns and the scientist on the roof and that silly other couple
upstairs. Concentrate on this person, let me get inside her, and leave the
how and why and everything else of it up in the air."
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (johnmc@mks.com). Sarah is jealous
because Richard is flirting with Crista at the party; and so she takes up
with Ben in order to make Richard reciprocally jealous. The author does an
excellent job of examining the feelings of Ben and Sarah without being the
least bit boring. As the story evolves, it becomes obvious that Sarah's and
Ben's affection for each other is genuine and also that Sarah has a major
problem with feelings of inadequacy. She is preoccupied with having an
orgasm, and these very thoughts interfere with her big bang.
This is an outstanding story. The author has a way of describing extremely
hot sex so that the reader can almost feel it happening, and he shows a real
understanding of emotions. I am definitely going to watch for more stories
by this author.
Ratings for "Unwrap Party"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Bank" by Deirdre. {I am reposting this review as part of my Second
Anniversary Celebration.} My word processor tells me that this story was only
830 words long, but with those few words the author did a really nice job of
creating a mood. What's best about the story is that Deirdre shows excellent
restraint: she creates a mood and tells us this story without going overboard
and trying to make more of the incident than there really was to it. Other
writers would be tempted to work in some four-letter words and at least a
couple of orgasms and to follow the formula for a good sex story; but Deirdre
just relates this anecdote in a way that made me think of comparable things
that had happened to me during my own early adolescence.
Ratings for "Bank"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas. {I am reposting this review as part of my
Second Anniversary Celebration.} Perhaps its my background as an educator,
but I'm normally repulsed by stories about incest. The basic problem is that
once you set aside the fantasy, in real life the adult is almost always
engaging in some sort of gratification at the expense of someone he or she
should be caring for. We get upset at the clergy and teachers who molest
children, but then we're supposed to consider it to be titillating when we
read a story about mom teaching her son "what it's like to be a man." That's
how I usually react, but this story surprised me. It's about a mother who
comes home early and sees her son getting head from a boy whom she doesn't
know. She tries to respect his privacy, but she becomes aware that the son
is likely to take the plunge into a homosexual lifestyle that may not be
appropriate for him. As the only reasonable solution she can think of, the
mother herself engages in loving sex with her son. The story ends with... no
- you'll have to find that out for yourself. What won me over was the
objective, non-moralizing aspects of the story. The author wasn't suggesting
that every mother should screw her son; but she showed that this was an
unusual situation. Nor was she suggesting that it would be awful if her son
would adopt a homosexual lifestyle. The mother just didn't want her son to
make that choice without thinking about the alternatives.
The story reminded me of the movie Summer of 42, in which a wife loses her
husband in the War and then makes tender love to a neighbor boy. When we saw
that movie, my husband and I discussed the ethics of an older woman seducing
a younger boy - when the boy obviously loved ever second of it. We
eventually decided it was just a pretty good movie and that we didn't need to
pass moral judgment on it. This was just a pretty good story.
Ratings for "Mother and Son"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
Grammar Tip of the Week: FREQUENTLY MISUSED WORDS. These words are misused
so often that their misuse has almost become acceptable. Still, even if most
people are willing to accept imperfect expression, why not speak and write
correctly? The original meanings of these words are worth preserving, and
occasionally you will meet someone who DOES care.
HOPEFULLY means "with hope." It does not mean "I hope" or "Let's hope." The
following example is correct:
My husband hopefully suggested that now would be a good
time to take ole one-eye to the optometrist.
The following are incorrect:
Hopefully she'll be able to work both of us into her
schedule tonight.
She'll hopefully let me punch her ticket after the dance
tonight.
DUE TO is not considered to be a proper synonym for "because of." Most
people will let this slide, but the general rule is that DUE TO is acceptable
after a form of the verb "be." Otherwise the usage may be questionable.
These two examples are correct:
Her twelve-minute orgasm was probably due to the size
of his cock and the skill with which he wielded it.
The hardness of her nipples was due as much to the cold
weather as to her arousal.
The following examples are INcorrect:
Due to her exam schedule, the teacher was not available
to play hide the salami with me last night.
Due to her husband's encouragement, the woman became
enthusiastic about the proposed menage a trois.
The borderline cases occur when we take the correct examples and reword them
slightly.
Due to the size of his cock and the skill with which he
wielded it, she has a twelve-minute orgasm.
Due as much to the cold weather as to her arousal, her
nipples became hard.
In these cases, most people would accept DUE TO, but many purists find this
usage to be annoying. Your best bet is simply to say BECAUSE OF....
FARTHER refers to additional distance. FURTHER refers to additional time,
amount, or other abstractions besides distance.
He pushed his cock FARTHER into her canal than anyone
had ever gone before.
She refused to discuss the idea of anal intercourse any
FURTHER, unless he would let her inject a large dildo
between his asscheeks.
This distinction is often blurred in common usage. In addition, these words
should not be confused with FATHER (a parent) or FARTER (a person engaging in
flatulence).
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