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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: Celestial Reviews 193 - June 25
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Celestial Reviews 193 - June 25, 1997
Note: I am being overwhelmed by potentially good stories that need to be
reviewed in Celestial Reviews. I simply cannot increase my pace, and
numerous good stories are in danger of going unreviewed. For this reason I
have experimented with Guest Reviewers. It appears to me that this
experiment has been successful, and I plan to continue posting these guest
reviews.
These reviewers have their own unique styles. If they assign a rating (or
set of ratings), I'll post them just as I do my own. If it seems sensible
for me to interact with the reviewers or to comment on their reviews, I'll do
so.
It has been difficult for me to decide how to assign authorship for these
reviews. Most of the reviewers are persons who have submitted stories of
their own to this group. For the following reasons it seems UNdesirable for
the reviewers to use the same names that they use when they post their own
stories:
(1) A reviewer might feel uncomfortable if he/she wanted to say something
critical about an author that has said nice things about that reviewer's
work. This could cause the critiques to degenerate into the exchange of
superficial, reciprocal compliments - more commonly known as ass kissing.
(2) A reviewer might enunciate a standard and feel bound to that standard
for ever after. The standard itself may not be a bad idea, but this would
probably limit creative efforts by many authors.
For this reason, I have decided to simply label these occasional efforts as
"Guest Reviews" without attaching a name UNLESS the reviewer agrees to use an
alternate pseudonym or explicitly insists on using his/her usual author's
name. I would PREFER that reviewers use an alternate synonym, because this
will enable readers of CR to look for occasional reviews by specific authors.
For example, one author whose work would be familiar to you has already
posted two reviews under the name Piper.
>From now on guest reviews will be labeled generically, unless the reviewers
give me specific instructions to use another name. Alternate pseudonyms
currently available include Deep Throat, Ariadne, Sherry McGuire, Randi
Sandi, Emily Dickinson, LemonLime, Jacques O'Conlon, Ruby Redress, Titmouse,
Knight4Fun, Woodie WouldPecker, Beanie Baby, and Lyin' King. Actually, I
have discovered that I have no authority whatsoever, and I have had to change
this policy twice since I devised it. It sounds like these guest reviews are
being written by American teenagers!
Again, I appreciate this assistance; and if I call on you, I hope you'll
consider writing a review.
Third note: One of the readers of this newsgroup who has connections with
major publishers has seen my Celestial Grammar and has suggested that I
publish a book of grammar for college students and adults who want to write
more clearly. This reader seems to think that a book entitled something like
"The Sexual Pervert's Guide to Grammar" might catch on in college bookstores
and places like that. As many of you have noticed, my informal approach
based on sexual examples and innuendo can be more interesting than what you
find in traditional textbooks. I have decided to give it a try.
As part of this project I am going to repost my Celestial Grammar and
Advanced Celestial Grammar. I am also going to resume my practice of
inserting Grammar Tips at the end of most issues of Celestial Reviews. If
any of you have advice for me about my Tips and Guidelines or if you have
grammar questions that you think I should address, please e-mail me.
Incidentally, I will personally receive no profits from this project. I am
giving all my royalties to a major tax-exempt organization whose work I
admire. I am refraining from specifying the name of that organization in
order to avoid embarrassing it. {I can see the headlines now: "XXX Receives
Support from Smut Goddess!"} Likewise, I'll be careful to avoid improperly
citing or embarrassing anyone on this newsgroup.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Buying Panties" by EricProfsr (panties fetish) 10, 8, 6
"Meri" by Taliesin (stripper sex) 10, 10, 10
"Sucker" by BronwenSM (emerging adolescence & humor)
10, 10, 10
"My Vacation" by Mad Dog (spouse sharing) 9.5, 9.5, 10
"Forgiven" by Uther Pendragon (pregnant sex) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Longing", by kollontai (phone sex) 10, 10, 10
"Through the Looking Glass" by Taria (superhero sex) 10, 9, 8
"Sometimes a Carnation is just a Carnation" by Dominick A
. Miserandino (relationships) 8, 9, 9
* "Taking Chances" by Javahead (threesome with wife
watching) 10, 10, 10
* "Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (fantasy plus live sex)
10, 10, 10
* "A Weekend on the Island" by WithSue (hot orgy)
10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted).
"Buying Panties" by EricProfsr (ericprofsr@aol.com). This is one of those
"true" stories like the ones you find in Penthouse Forum. The man gets the
hots for the sales clerk at Frederick's and he asks her to help him pick out
a pair of panties. She jerks him off with a pair and as a bonus gives him
hers, which have become soaked during their playful activities. It's not
much, but it's better than being lonely, I suppose.
Ratings for "Buying Panties"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Meri" by Taliesin. Apparently each issue of the Prosex Journal
(prosex@paganpleasures.com) consists of a serialized story plus several
announcements. This story begins in the premier issue and continues in
subsequent issues. The story is a hot one. It's about Meredith Joy Dallas,
a nympho stripper who puts her whole body and personality into each of her
presentations. An especially interesting feature of the first installment is
the game Meri plays with a client: he gives her some money, which she inserts
into her vagina, and then he is offered ten times that amount if he can
reclaim the money without using his hands. The story is incomplete,
but that's because it's a cliffhanger: the author wants me to come back for
more next issue.
This story is frankly an advertisement, but it doesn't annoy me as does
typical spam. A group called Pagan Pleasures runs a website at
http://www.paganpleasures.com, where they sell sexy stories, pictures,
videos, live shows, and other pagan pleasures. The information at the end of
the story tells you how to subscribe for free to the Prosex Journal. My
assumption is that you'll find yourself bombarded with advertisements as soon
as you add your name to this list. This is a well written, sexy story.
You'll have to decide for yourself whether it's worth the hassle of dealing
with the advances of seductive people competing for your disposable income.
My own experience is that there are plenty of equally good stories already
available for free on a.s.s. and a.s.s.m. with no strings attached.
Ratings for "Meri"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Sucker" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@cuckoo.clara.net). Live and learn, that's
what I always say. I've spent my life on this side of the pond. I always
thought the British were much like the rest of us. I read Shakespeare, of
course, but I always figured he's been dead for nearly a hundred years now,
and I figured the British didn't really talk that way. I have always been
pretty sure that the people of the UK really liked us over here in the
colonies, because after all the American Revolution was really a fight
between a group of British subjects and a German King - the Germans, don't
get me off on them or I'll never get back to this review. I figured MAYBE
the British talked in iambic pentameter and expressed their love in sonnets
and could actually understand what John Milton was talking about and sang
"Singing in the Rain" on those occasions when they raped somebody. But even
though I often wondered how they got along with almost no real television and
why all the good musicians left the country as soon as they grew up, I knew
that deep down they were ordinary blokes, although I wasn't really sure
whether it was proper to refer to a female Brit as a bloke.
I could go on, but the point is that along came BronwenSM, who has two
capital letters at the end of her name. So right away I knew that I was
going to learn things about my confreres from the Mother Country.
Anyway, this is a story about a 16-year-old girl {that would probably be 17
in ordinary years, eh Mate?} who was formerly what we Americans call a plain
Jane. While she's laid up {no sexual connotation, even in England} with
glandular fever, her body goes through what American talk shows {BBC Channel
2} sometimes call adolescent metamorphosis. In short, she comes back a babe
- a young femme fatale, one might say - after spending some time convalescing
at huge tatty mansion on a cliff with a private beach of Aunt Dolly in Wales.
Or, as a more astute British author might put it, during her hiatus she had
gone from the plainly porcine to lithe and lascivious loveliness. When she
returned to school, her impact on society was emphatic if not traumatic.
Great gangs of men on building sites shrieked at her like gibbons, old men
slipped off their Zimmer frames when she went into the post office, and her
terrifying chemistry master went red all the way up his neck whenever he
looked at her and then left a really embarrassing poem in my pigeon hole.
So when this bloke she fancied asked her to go swimming with him, she nearly
dropped down dead with delight. See what I mean? American teenagers would
simply cum in their panties, which doesn't even alliterate, as if they would
know what that means! Way gone, dude! I think I'm going to give up trying
to imitate the British style in this subtle manner and simply get on with it.
After all, I have viewed the dismal situation and it is ours, as the Great
British Poet once said.
The boyfriend's name is Oliver, which is sometimes another name for John
Thomas (or, in America, Johnson or more informally Dick), and so this reminds
me of another story that I heard back in the 70's. A man and a woman went on
their honeymoon - in Wales, I think. After several hours of what the man
considered to be a most excellent First Night Experience with his virgin
bride, she went to the bathroom - I forget what the British call it - you
know, the crapper. Anyway, the man looks over the newspaper for something to
do the next day, and he comes across an interesting movie. So he shouts,
"Would you like to see "Oliver Twist," Luv?" The wife replies, "You do one
more trick with that bloody thing, and I'm going home to my Mum." {By Jove,
I think I got it!}
Anyway, Oliver develops an infirmity (the blood suddenly rushes to his
thing), and the young lady has to give him first aid. She quickly becomes so
good at first aid that the boys are pretty much lining up to be serviced.
This is an excellent story - both sexy and humorous.
Before I end this review, I'd like to say just one more thing about British
speech, which gets especially awkward when they ride bicycles. For example,
I picked up this anecdote on another newsgroup:
I was walking down the street with my wife the other day when we saw our
neighbor (a very genial Jamaican bloke) riding by on his bike. Suddenly the
bike flips and our poor neighbor finds himself spread eagled on the pavement.
My wife immediately said: "That black bloke's bike's back break block broke."
British people can actually SAY things like that! Just imagine if the
Jamaican bloke would have been a bleached blond!
Ratings for "Sucker"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My Vacation" by Mad Dog (Red Dragon Repost). The narrator got his
girlfriend pregnant during high school and "had" to marry her. When Julie
subsequently miscarried, her family persuaded him to stay with the marriage
and gave him an excellent job upon graduation. Life was good, except that
there was simply no real romance in their marriage. I once read about
something like this happening in real life!
Cousin Bill is a rich guy with a 12-inch cock and insight. He realizes that
what Julie needs is to loosen up. So when they visit him at his mansion,
Bill fucks Julie every which way he can. Sure enough, she become a hot and
loving wife, and they live happily ever after.
This is a sexy story. It combines two realities - the real reality of what
often happens to high school kids who get pressured into a premature marriage
and the wife watcher's reality that insists that it's really fun to watch a
spouse get boinked and that most weak sexual relationships can be improved by
bringing other people into them. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure the first
reality is more really real than the second; but this is still a very good
story.
Ratings for "My Vacation"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Forgiven" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). During my first pregnancy
my husband and I concluded that it was important that our future offspring
know that mommy and daddy liked each other. During the later part of that
pregnancy my conscience told me that maybe it wasn't really good for the baby
for mommy and daddy to fuck quite as often and as vigorously as they had in
past months. So I asked my gynecologist, and he put my feet into the
stirrups and had his sexy little nurse sit on my face while he.... No that's
a different story. Actually, he said sex was fine as long as I enjoyed it
and as long as my husband got out of the way when he delivered the baby.
Bob and Jeanette may have had a kindred doctor. They are in the family way
now, and Jeanette's cunt tastes richer than in months past. Is this because
of her recent orgasm, the pregnancy, or his overactive imagination. I dunno
- I would suggest further experimentation to verify a hypothesis here. These
people certainly get along nicely! I think maybe we should have a baby
shower for Jeanette!
Ratings for "Forgiven"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following is a Guest Review by Mark Aster, who frequently contributes
stories to this newsgroup.
"Longing" by kollontai (amadora@hotmail.com). Kollontai (who posts as "La
Amadora", and has email addresses as both "kollontai" and "amadora") is a
newcomer to a.s.s.*, but her first three stories show a great deal of
promise. The first two, short-shorts called "Taken" and "The Orgy", are
intense surreal pieces (see Celestial Reviews 191). Her latest posting,
"Longing", is much more realistic, and quite effective.
I've never had a really long-term long-distance relationship, but I do
remember some pretty hot cross-town phone calls as a teenager. This was
phone-petting rather than phone-sex, but it was memorable, and kollontai's
story effectively brings back those memories. The narrator (in New Jersey)
is talking to her lover (in Massachusetts) on the telephone, and missing each
other and longing for each other they quite convincingly make love through
that little wire. If MIT proves too much for him, this boy has a real future
in phone sex! (He may actually be a bit TOO good at it; I did once or twice
suspect that we were going to have a surprise ending where it turned out he
was a professional phone-fantasy operator. A real amateur lover might not be
quite as perfectly-spoken in this situation; but the author makes it easy to
suspend disbelief here.)
Despite some problems with "lie" and "lay", and using "cum" as a verb (a pet
hate of mine), kollontai has given us a hot sexy romantic story. People in
long-distance relationships should study it carefully! <grin>
Ratings for "Longing" (Added by Celeste)
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following is a Guest Review by Fiddler, who is a frequent author of
stories on this newsgroup under a different name:
"Through the Looking Glass" by Taria (taria29c@aol.com). This is two stories
with a frame. The frame is a broad parody of comic-book super heroes which
provides the explanation that several parallel universes are in danger of
coming together. The universes are nearly identical and include individual
persons who are identical except that they are of opposite sex. (How that
squares with *many* universes is not explained.)
In one apartment, the couple wake up in bed with another couple who are
their twins except for the matter of sex. In another apartment, a famous
actor meets his famous-actress dual. A good time is had by all. Then the
scientist allied with the super heroes finishes the machine which keeps the
universes apart, and all the duals disappear.
This reviewer would have preferred the stories separate. The potpourri
was enjoyable enough, however, if no "Art Appreciation."
Athena: 10
Venus: 9
Fiddler: 8
The following is a Guest Review by Topaz, who is a frequent author of stories
on this newsgroup under a different name:
"Sometimes a Carnation is just a Carnation" by Dominick A. Miserandino
(cafe@abest.com). I remember a long-ago "Sesame Street" vignette that
featured Ernie on his way to borrow a vacuum cleaner from his good buddy
Bert. On his way to see Bert (odd, considering that the two have been
roomies for as long as anyone can recall), Ernie began to contemplate the
possibility that Bert would turn him down. As he got closer and closer to
Bert's door, Ernie got grumpier and grumpier, and began to mutter out loud.
"So, THAT's the way it is, hmm? How selfish can a guy get?" Of course, as
soon as Bert opened his door Ernie blew up, yelled "I don't care--you can
just keep your stupid vacuum cleaner anyway!!!" and stalked off, leaving Bert
with a "what the hey--?" sort of expression on his face.
I have long wondered exactly what it is that provokes these irrational "guy"
outbursts that blow up out of nowhere like a Kansas tornado, hit with full
fury, and then vanish with nary a trace except, perhaps, for mild
sheepishness. Since I can't smirk knowingly and utter a terse and snarky
"Hmph. Must be PMS," I have been at a loss to explain the phenomenon. But
Dominick Miserandino's "Carnation" gives me the answer, and it just feels so
right: Demons. Tough, BROOK-lyn talkin', macho internal Demons named Guido.
I suspected as much, but it's nice to have proof.
The story itself is straightforward and awfully familiar to anyone who's ever
had what the author terms "a committed relationship" (not a phrase Guido
would choose). Man brings Significant Other to another man's house for a
quick errand, finds a not-too-well-hidden flower stashed by said Other in
car, puts two and two together to make three, has one of those "Ernie/Bert"
conversations with Guido while she's inside, and melts down when she gets
back. It's a distinctly *non*-pornographic story: no man/woman/demon
threesomes, no lesbian affairs with female boss, no "screw Robert while I
watch from the car." Overall it wouldn't merit even a "PG-13," let alone an
"NC-17" like most a.s.s. stories. But it's generally well-written (if a
little overdone at points), honest as hell, and, frankly, it made me smile.
Not a one-handed story, but it does engage the left side of the brain more
than most of what you download from here.
Ratings for "Sometimes a Carnation is just a Carnation"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Topaz (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Taking Chances" by Javahead (an217242@anon.penet.fi). I came across this
story in the THC archives under the enticing title "Guy Shares His Wife with
a Friend." That title summarizes the story all right, but it leaves out the
nuances that make the story interesting.
When his wife asks him to tell her a sexy story while they make love, the
man's suggestions reveal to her that their fantasies overlap: he would like
to see her being fucked by another man, and she would like to make love to
another man while her husband watched. These are not ordinary swingers. At
first they are stymied when they try to bring their mutual fantasy to
realization; but then Rich, an old college friend of the husband who is
obviously attracted to the wife, comes for a visit. They perform sex in a
variety of wonderful ways; then Rich goes home and they all live happily ever
after.
This is a very good story. The author employs a refreshing blend of
informality and literacy to tell a really hot story. Although I found this
plot to be extremely erotic and enjoyable, I would not want to do these
things in my actual life - even if I could be assured of avoiding diseases.
The way I value sex in my relationship with my husband, it simply does not
make sense to involve a third person. Our relationship is necessarily
possessive and exclusive, and I cannot imagine that working with a third
party - who might accidentally become more involved with me (for example)
than we had planned - or vice versa. Maybe some of you are stronger
emotionally than my husband and I are or maybe you have a different kind of
relationship with your spouse; and in that case this story may represent an
ideal for you. For my part, I think there are some things that are fun to
think about but just aren't worth doing in real life.
I have on several occasions made love to my husband in the same general area
- even adjacent beds - where another couple was making love; but we employed
a hands-off policy with regard to the other spouses. This was wonderful. I
have also watched others making love while my husband fondled and even made
love to me. This was wonderful. But if we were to involve the others in our
own lovemaking, we would be running the risk of hurting someone, and that
might not be so wonderful.
That's one of the reasons I like these stories on a.s.s. I can read and
enjoy these stories and fantasize about them and even act them out with my
husband. There's no risk that anyone will be hurt. On the other hand, if I
were to hit the chat lines and present myself falsely to someone else, then
there would be a chance that something would develop that would hurt me, that
person, our spouses, or our children. It's not worth the risk.
I don't mean to give a moral lecture or to try to talk anyone out of chat
lines, cybersex, threesomes, or anything else. We all have to figure out
what's right and good for ourselves. I'm just singing the praises of stories
like this one. They offer a low-risk environment for enriching our own
lives.
When I first opened this story, I thought "I've read this story before!"; but
a quick check of my database revealed that I had reviewed five stories by
this author (none with a rating below 9, incidentally); but none with the
word "Chances" in the title. But I KNEW I had read the story. As I looked
at the first line - "Tell me a story...." - I assumed that the husband would
tell the wife a really sexy story that would lead to really sexy sex that
kind of mixed in with the really sexy sex in the really sexy story. That
wasn't quite accurate for the present story. To make my own long story
short, I checked all five of the Javahead stories, and none of them matched
the present story. Then I tried popping "Tell Me a Story" into my database.
Voila! A match! I had the culprit. But no, "Tell Me a Story" was written
by Smoot2. It had a similar story line; but it was clearly a distinct story.
In fact it was rated number 30 on my list of the Top Hundred Stories of
1995. Although Smoot2 may have been influenced by Javahead, these were two
separate creative endeavors, not duplication or plagiarism. I'm taking the
opportunity to repost the review of the Smoot2 story (since I have just
reread it). Maybe Smoot2 will repost it for us.
Ratings for "Taking Chances"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (smoot2@ix.netcom.com). After a session of
good sex, a woman asks her lover to tell her a story. He responds with an
erotic tale. While she listens, she brings him and herself to an even better
orgasm. Ummm! Tell me another story! I could handle about 1001 Nights of
This.
This story is by the author of "Lyrical Fantasy," which I reviewed in CR 27.
That story, I said, was a good story that was ruined by faulty proofreading
and bad formatting. I added that if this author ironed the kinks out of his
writing, his work would be in a class with the writings of Deidre and Tammy
Ng - which is a pretty good class. See! I was right! This is a wonderful
story.
I would like to take credit for this improvement, but unless smoot2 and I did
some time traveling or mental telepathy, he did this on his own. However, my
point is still valid: the main difference between this story and the author's
previous attempt is that this one is presented better. It's not that the
author's exceptional creativity is unimportant - it's just that by cleaning
up his final draft of this story he lets us see what he really has to say.
With "Lyrical Fantasy" I was constantly distracted by the way the story was
presented to me; in this story there still were grammar mistakes, but I
skipped right past them and was distracted only by a warm, moist feeling in
my pussy. I like this kind of distraction much better.
Ratings for "Tell Me a Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Weekend on the Island" by Anonymous (suenh@kear.tdsnet.com). This was
recently reposted by someone else as simply "On the Island." Sue has
certainly become popular on alt.sex.stories lately. In addition to starring
in the previous story and this one, she has reposted several of her own
stories in the past few weeks; and she was the central figure in my own
"Virtuous Reality." The present story is written in the form of a letter to
a minister from his wife, who has been spending the weekend on an island with
the assistant pastor and Sue and her boyfriend. I guess you could say that
Sue was doing some missionary work, although she was rarely in that position.
This story contains a lot of really hot sex between and among the various
characters. The most serious problem I encountered was that at one point
Ross was staring at Sue with his eyes closed. I think that would be hard to
do; but with Sue all things are possible. Since this is a partially
religious tract, I suppose it is appropriate to conclude with a partially
religious question. Is it more blessed for the pastor's wife to give or to
receive head from the assistant pastor while traveling at 65 m.p.h. on the
expressway on the way home from the island?
Ratings for "A Weekend on the Island"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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