Message-ID: <59976asstr$1267431006@assm.asstr.org>
From: Yotna El'toub <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Review WB_011 Lauren, a Wellspring by BadFred
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Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2010 03:10:06 -0500
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Review WB_011 Lauren, a Wellspring by BadFred
Ff, con, rom, magic, slow
____________________________________________________________________

Reviews are archived at the following sites:

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http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/. They are written to encourage amateur
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Note: Stories written and archived on WB will not have reviews posted
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Please note, I am happy to remove any review at the request of the
author. Currently I presume that stories are review-able if they do
not state in text or use a code that says otherwise.

If you would like me to review your story, please feel free to ask me.
I cannot however guarantee that I will due to time restraints on my
part.

E-mail: Yotna@sky.com
_____________________________________________________________________


Storyline

Find the original story at; /~badfred/lauren1.html

<Brief outline only>

Rachel has discovered that Lauren is a wellspring, a source of great
magic power for the witch or warlock who beds her. However, Lauren
wants nothing to do with this. She just wants to be a normal, popular
girl. Things-as they say-cannot be so simple.


Merits

What was worthy of comment

In general the story is well written, imaginative and varies its pace
nicely. It also seems to be well edited and has few obvious errors.
Characterisation is fairly full for the main participants. Notably
this is a story with sex, one that even uses sex as a device, it is a
true sex story. It is written in plain English with a minimalist
touch. The writer manages to get a lot of information about
covens and their ilk into the narrative without it becoming too
obvious.

Demerits

What detracted from the story

Now for me there are a few substantial issues. Minimalist touches can
lead to sparseness, and whilst this episode of the story runs well, it
does not run deep. It has the texture of clean crisp paper, when in
places parchment would have been more appropriate. There is a use of
non-conventional devices to punctuate, where conventional ones would
do as well, without tripping up the reader. It is a little derivative
of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her ambiguous relationship with
Willow.


Atmosphere

How well evolved was the environment - Marks out of 20

<8>

As you will see from the score above this is the main casualty caused
by the sparseness of the writing; we are watching a play on a bare
stage, painting a portrait with no contextual background. We could be
in any room, in any house, in any city in the world. For me that will
not do, although my imagination will fill in the gaps it needs some
pointers. Descriptive passages need to be woven into the narrative.

<excerpt>

"We have to hide," I said to Lauren.

"OK," she replied.

We ran to one of the warehouses. I used a bit of magic to open a door.
We entered. Lauren found a light switch. It was the storage unit for a
printing company. The walls were lined with boxes of papers and inks.
It was about thirty feet deep. The floor was bare cement. There was
one beat up old chair.

</excerpt>

So let me ask you, the door that was opened was it a real door, or a
magical door? 

Let us presume (as we don't know) that the door was real.
Was it a large warehouse roller door; a normal door? Did the hinges
creak, or was it one of those old metal framed doors that so often
scrape the concrete with a tell-tale sound?

Thirty feet deep? Does that qualify as a warehouse? It sounds like a
garage...

My feeling is the BadFred would see all this as 'detailitis'. In
reality it is about giving us a sense of place, and in all creative
arts that is a fundamental.

There are passages that improve on the above.

<excerpt>

I realized that I was going to die. I wasn't afraid. Then I thought of
Erica.

I wouldn't let him see me cry. I fought back the tears.

There was a table in the corner of the room. An old style camping
lantern sat on it, casting a faint glow across the room. A sleeping
bag had been set down against the wall. Lauren lay on it, her wrists
and ankles bound. Her eye was bruised and her lip was split. She wore
a shirt, but her pants were gone. She looked shocked to see me.

</excerpt>

Still sparse but better, I can here imagine an unloved hide-out rather
than a family room. In too many locations however there is no
description.


Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of 20

<14>

Well this is one of the strengths of the story, although coded slow,
moves along and develops very nicely. We always have the feeling that
the story is going somewhere and we do want to follow.

<excerpt>

"We'll hide. I'll put up a barrier with the last of my power. Get here
fast. Then Jess can occupy him while you recharge me. Then I'll take
him out."

"Oh my god!" she said.

"Hurry. We'll be in" I looked at the door "unit fifteen."

I hung up. I entered the warehouse and closed the door. I began a
chant. I felt the exhaustion begin to hit me. I groaned out the final
syllables. The barrier engaged.

Then I lay back. The room seemed to spin above me. The floor was cold
and hard.

Lauren entered my field of view.

"That Jessica girl did the same thing," she said, "She said the
barrier would hold and it didn't."

"This one is different," I muttered, "It is to hide us, not block
him."

She started pacing.

"Please sit down," I said, "Erica and Jess will get here in time."

"He defeated her."

"He won't defeat me, not after I've been recharged. Now please, let me
rest."

She knelt down next to me. She inspected the wound on my arm. Blood
oozed from it.

"It's pretty bad," she said.

"I know."

"It's going to leave a scar."

It would not. When I got recharged, I could heal it.

"Why are you so tired?" she asked, "Jessica said you were super
powerful."

</excerpt>

We have no doubt that things are developing, there are questions to be
answered, and that the resolution of them may not be entirely
straight forward. 

This much I really like, but (you expected a but then didn't
you) the sparse short sentenced style that BadFred has obviously
chosen tends not to vary as much as it might (or should). Mountains
streams rush, but when they reach the valleys they meander. A
variety of pace needs to be injected. Even at the most languid of time
the sentences remain staccato.

<excerpt>

I sat up fully. Pain shot through me. I retched. I shoved my hand into
my mouth and bit down. It didn't help with the pain, but it stopped me
from crying out.

I felt a dull ache coming up from deep inside me. When I shifted
again, it was a sharp pain.

I was hurt. Real bad. Deep inside.

I had known that the magic would have a cost.

I had to get out of the trunk. I sat up again. More pain. I sort of
leaned out behind the car. I let myself fall to the ground.

Again, darkness.

When I awoke, it was night. There was no moon, but the sky glowed from
city lights. I could see only a few stars. I recognized Spica far to
the west. Virgo was setting.

</excerpt>

So many full stops. I presume that in this much pain our heroine would
by dazed, even groggy. But no, her thoughts, emotions and observations
machine gun by us and ricochet around. Even hurt and dejected she slam
dunks in the next emotion. Hmm, not my experience. Of course witches
are beyond that, but at heart the reader anticipates a human reaction.



Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of 20

<15>

Well I don't think BadFred is going for the out and out erotic, but
rather to write a story that uses rather than avoids sex and
sexuality. There are bits that titillate, but none that would appeal
to the the reader who want a 'fast hit'.

<excerpt>

"You'll need a recharge too then."

"I sure could use one."

I scooted over giving her room. She pulled up the hem of her dress and
lay back. Erica got between her legs, grabbed her panties and pulled
them down.

I reached over and pinched one of her nipples through her dress. Erica
leaned in and ate.

"Mmmm," the girl cooed.

She squirmed. The fabric of her dress was thin and she wore no bra. I
squeezed her nipple, rolling it between my fingers. I kissed the side
of her face. I heard a wet, sucking sound come from down below.

The girl twitched. "Oh fuck," she muttered.

Erica began gyrating her head in a rhythmic motion, flitting her
tongue around the girl's pussy. She inserted a finger and probed.

She must have found the right spot. The girl began to moan loudly. She
arched her hips. She grasped the sheets, yanking on them.

She looked at me with wide eyes. "Kiss me," she whispered.

I did. She came. Magic flowed between us.

I kept kissing her. I never wanted to stop. I felt waves of pleasure
course back and forth. I locked my lips hard against hers. I felt my
pussy contract. A strong orgasm hit me.

It went on and on, wave after wave. My body writhed, then went rigid,
then writhed again. When I could open my eyes, I saw hers looking
back. I gave her a long deep kiss. She lay there with the biggest
grin.

"Oh my god!" I gasped. "Seriously, what the fuck was that?"

"It's just a little trick I can do," she replied, "I can share the
recharge."

"No way!"

"Way."

"You must be popular."

She laughed. "I do get invited to the best parties."

</excerpt>

So the concept of a 'recharge' is not overtly erotic, and the detail
is naturally sparse, but that little passage give a good taste of the
sex (all FF or Ff). Its not lush, but the overall effect of reading
the story is arousing.

At times however the staccato and sparseness work against sensuality.
From earlier in the same passage we have

<excerpt>

The girl reached out and stroked my face. She smiled.

Erica climbed between my legs. I parted them wide. She pressed in her
tongue. She wrapped her mouth. I bucked my hips and groaned. She
grabbed me around the thighs.

The girl leaned down and kissed me. I opened my mouth. Our lips locked
together.

</excerpt>

This is oddly unemotional; almost a passage in note form. Due to this
any semblance of sensuality is lost. Her passion becomes an
instruction manual.

Climb between legs.
Part legs.
Insert tongue.
Wrap mouth.
Observe hip thrusts.
Grab thighs.
Partner comes!

Pare anything right down the the basics and you are left with a list.
Lists in general are not sexy.

Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

<12>

I'm marking down here due to the use of non-standard punctuation,
which brings the reader out of the story too often. As many know I do
not stand up for tradition, but in places it is useful and needed.

To me this is an appropriate use of hyphens (place name in the UK)
Horton-cum-Studley. The name and hyphenation confirms that two
villages have merged into one. 

It also use the only correct usage of cum I have seen. The cum
abbreviation descends to us from Porno. I would humbly suggest that
the written form belongs in written Porno, not considered tales like
this one. 

Climbs off hobby-horse.

<excerpt>

If I couldn't have her, at least I had to protect her-somehow-if I
could. I needed to know more about her. It would have to wait,
however. The bell was about to ring, and I had a chemistry test.

</excerpt>

Now maybe, herùsomehowùif could become her ù somehow ù if; but it is
still distracting her... Somehow, if or her... Somehow...  If; could
be better, but some will still dislike. In general it is better to
keep to standard punctuation and let your writing suggest the pondering.

"If I couldn't have her; at least I had to protect her. I think hard.
Somehow I should be able, but I needed to know more about her."

For example.

This excerpt shows some other oddities:

<excerpt>

"And the Mothers know about this?" she asked, looking at Erica.

"They do," I answered. Erica remained quiet.

"And they approve?"

I gave her a cold look.

"It's complicated."

"The girl has been through a lot," Erica finally exclaimed, "But yes,
she has the approval of the Council of Mothers."

"And they know that her wellspring is also her teacher? Have they any
idea what sort of scandal that could cause?"

"Yes-" Erica started to answer her.

"Erica," I interjected, "Why don't you go outside for a bit so I can
talk to Amanda."

</excerpt>

A lot of sentences starting with "And... repetitive and a bit odd as
the first sentence is the start of a dialogue sequence. As that
suggests unheard speech before I would go with "...And". "Yes-" is an
unconventional way to signal an interruption "Yes..." would be more
usual. 

Oh, and on that subject:

Often when '...' is used terminally it has a space between it and
terminal word, like this "Stop ..." once again it draws the eye due to
its oddity. There are to many of these 'oddities' scattered
throughout an otherwise good text, it is a shame.



Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20

<16>

Despite the above reservations I enjoyed reading what was a good
story, it fairly crackles along and due to that I as a reader want to
know where it goes. If you like to smell, touch and feel your stories,
well at the moment look elsewhere. Also note that male
characterisation amounts to little more than stereotypical 'cardboard
cut-outs'. Fleshed out with some detail and a little less
adherence to a slavish minimalist style it would make a really good
'niche' read. 

Why niche? Well some codes will stop people in their tracks, SF, MC
and Magic are good examples of them; be warned, many will not read
just because of that code. Their loss I say. BadFred is a good writer
that could develop to be better than average. Time and work on his
part will tell.

I have book marked his site and I will monitor it. I suggest you do
too.

/~badfred/index.html

Total score 65

Yotties out of 100.

Readability guide 00-19 must try harder.
20-39 needs development
40-59 readable
60-79 good read
80-99 should read
100 reserved for my stories :-)


<An average score would therefore be 50>

[Note as I am selective in my reviews most will score above average]

Read the collected WB reviews at
http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/index.php
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