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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Repost: Review The House in Cabot by Leopolt
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Review WB_010 The House in Cabo By Lepolt

[M/F F/F M/FF prost oral anal fist rim rough M+/FF ws rom rac M/Ff
viol bond Mdom sad best scat tort snuff]

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Reviews are archived at the following sites:

ASSM, ASSD, ASSTR and the 'Writer's Block' Forum at
http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/. They are written to encourage amateur
authors - who give so freely their time and efforts to the community.

Note: Stories written and archived on WB will not have reviews posted
to other sites, unless they exist there too. It is the responsibility
of the author to inform me if that is the case and they would like me
to publish the review.

Please note, I am happy to remove any review at the request of the
author. Currently I presume that stories are reviewable if they do not
state in text or use a code that says otherwise.

If you would like me to review your story, please feel free to ask me.
I cannot however guarantee that I will due to time restraints on my
part.

E-mail: WB_Yotna@yotnasden.co.uk
_____________________________________________________________________


Storyline

<Brief outline only>

Our narrator (the story is written in first person) has a high powered
Job (CEO) and a neglected Holiday home in Cabo. He jets away for some
R & R. although he manages to get little and lfe becomes more than a
tad rough for the people around him once he runs against Raul's plans.

Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

The story is well detailled and has believable (if not always
likeable) characters. It rolls along very smoothly and time passes
quickly for the reader.

Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

Big no-no for me the separate 'header with the codes. For all stories
(MHO) the codes should be on the story. For stories with 'cautions'
this is even more important; there are some popular 'squicks' in the
story. No points are deducted for this as it is not relevant to the
review, but it sure is to the reader. There are a few typo's; the odd
conversion problem of 'Senor' to Se?or (I presume an accent messed up
a program); self-editing and an over reliance on spell check is
evident. The ending is weak, as if after all the set up the writer
placed down his pen and walked away.


Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of 20

<16>

In general this is very good, we get a feeling of place, time and
events unwinding in a real town. Some of the descriptions for me
were a little oddly placed:

<excerpt>

 "It was a four and a half hour flight from Chicago, and I napped most
of the time.  Shortly before we arrived I raised the window shade and
looked out over the barren desert landscape that gave way to the
brilliant blue waters of the Sea of Cortez.  Cabo San Lucas is at the
very tip of the Baja peninsula, an oasis on a barren landscape rimmed
in sugar white sand beaches.  As we circled the town on the landing
approach, I could see our neighborhood of beachside haciendas, and
then suddenly there it was. My house - two stories, tan stucco walls
and red tile roof, almost hidden by palm trees.  There was the pool,
shaded by the palms, with a guestroom beside it, the bathroom of which
doubles as a mud room for people using the pool.  On the other side of
the house, behind the garage, was a detached poolhouse with its own
kitchenette.  Upstairs there is the master suite that I used, and two
smaller bedrooms, with a den, office, kitchen and dining area
downstairs.  I sound like a real estate agent, but I was really proud
of it.  Often I let guests use it, but this week it I had it all to
myself.  After circling around a bit more and gradually losing
altitude, we landed at the small private airport in Cabo, my
driver/bodyguard Carlo and me.  The company that stores my car had
dropped off the Lexus, which Carlo brought around and loaded with our
bags while I chatted with the customs officials."

</excerpt>

Now all of that is fine up to the sentence begining Upstairs...
Suddenly our narrator developes x-ray vision; he shifts from what he
could see of the house to that he clearly couldn't. There is even the
freudian slip of saying he sounded like a real estate agent. That is
so true we go from description to listing. Not needed, a paragraph
break may have helped. Even better that description could have been
included later (when it would be more relevant).


Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of 20

<17>

Exceptionally well really, one exception, already noted is the ending
after writing what I see as a strong story the author gave it an
ending too familiar from TV drama's, when one gets the feeling the
funding ran out before the script was finished. All the points lost in
this category were down to that. Still there was much to like, we get
very involved in the life of Lorena the housekeeper; enough that I
feel there is the potential for a further story around her and her
troubled family.

<excerpts>

"We arrived at the house around lunchtime, and to my surprise my house
keeper Lorena had not only opened up and aired out the house, but had
fixed a wonderful lunch for us.  Fresh grilled fish, rice, salata, and
flans for dessert.  I had skipped breakfast in order to make an early
flight (our pilot and crew had to turn right around and fly back to
Houston to pick a group of vice-presidents returning from a golf trip)
and I dug in heartily."

"Not that I never had any trouble from Lorena.  Early on, she was not
very adept at housework, and I had to discipline her on one occasion.
I only learned after I had hired her that she had been working as a
whore since age fifteen, and only stopped because she was afraid her
daughters, the oldest almost fifteen herself, might follow in her
footsteps. Later she told me, "I would scrub floors with my bare
hands, and clean toilets with my tongue, before I would see them live
that life." I respect that, and after a year or so of hard work she
became a valued employee."

"I wanted to sleep in.  I must have woke around 6:00, rolled over and
went back to sleep.  With a jerk I suddenly woke back up - someone was
in the bed with me!  Whoever it was, had snuck under the sheets,
gently pushed me back down when I tried to get p.  She started working
on my morning wood, expertly stroking and kissing my cock.  One of
Louis's girls, maybe one of the gangbang girls, who had decided to
hide out until morning so she could ingratiate herself with the
patron.  Oh well, I can think of worse ways to wake up, with the sun
shining through the windows, the birds singing, and a warm mouth on my
cock.  Still, I needed to piss, and I told my secret fellatrix so.


   "Si, ok.  I can take it."


   It was Lorena!  I pulled back the sheet and she smiled at me, then
kissed my cock."

</excerpts>

So what could have been a minor character is brought into the action
and goes from being a housekeeper eventually (albeit a bit
unrealistically) to an imagined wife. Nice work.

Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of 20

<13>

Well it really depends how much you like violence in sex. The narrator
'uses' women, OK these women may be whores - but even then the
treatment is degrading. For me this is not erotic and I find the
sexual acts more descriptive in the mistreatment than the erotic
aspects. To be fair if this floats your boat you would score it higher
than I did.

<excerpt>

"Stay right there - don't move!" I went into the bathroom and found a
bottle of KY lotion.  I lubed up my hands and started in on both of
them, a pair of meat puppets.  Soon I was fisting both cunts,
listening to their growing moans and occasional yelps as they
accommodated my treatment.  "I bet you remember this, cunt!"


   "Si!  Si!" There were real tears on Valanie's face, and both were
sweating heavily.  So was I, for that matter.  I decided to change it
up a bit, and l slid first one, then two fingers in their asses.  I
was able to get three fingers in both their asses, but Valanie was
just too tight for four.  I let up on her and concentrated on Roberta.
She took most of my hand easily, after enough lube and a little force.
Valanie slid down on the floor and began jacking my cock as I
continued fisting her friend's ass. I turned a bit so she could suck
me, and made one last attempt to get my balled up fist in Roberta's
now loose asshole.  It was hard, but I managed.  She let out a yell as
it slipped past the ring of her sphincter, but I leaned forward and
grabbed a fist of blonde hair with my free hand, crushing Valanie's
head against the bed as I did so.  "Shut the fuck up and take it,
bitch!" I snarled.  I thrust into Valanie's mouth in counterpoint to
the rhythm of my fist pistoning in and out of Roberta's ass.

</excerpt>




Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

<15>

If you self edit you miss stuff; you also need to be aware of the
limitations of spell-checkers in particular that they will not
correct the wrong word spelt correctly:

<excerpt>

" "Well, you make those arrangements, but send out some invitations on
my behalf.  I need to renew contacts with some of the officials around
here. Make sure that fat brother-in-law of yours shows up." Louis had
married the sister of a local cop several years ago.  Now, his wife
was dead, some kind of cancer, and the brother, Raul, was the chief of
police.  Blood is thinker than water, but a wad of dollars is thicker
still.  I tried to keep Raul happy, along with a long list of local
politicians and business types, as part of my interest as one of
Louis's bankrollers.  I expected most would drop by the house for the
party."

</excerpt>

Even when thicker is used correctly in part of the cliche it doesn't
stop thinker creeping in at the begining. One would have hoped even a
self edit would pick that up, but it goes to show that a proofer is
better than hope.

Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20

<17>

Yes! Although this story is not my type of tale I liked the way it was
written. I would like to see another story to judge better how much
Leopolt appeals to me as a reader. This is just as well as my next
review is of Solo Flight, another of his tales. Not bad for a new
poster.



Total score 78

Yotties out of 100.



Readability guide 00-19 must try harder.
20-39 needs development
40-59 readable
60-79 good read
80-99 should read
100 reserved for my stories :-)


<An average score would therefore be 50>

Read the collected WB reviews at
http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/index.php
__________________

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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