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From: "Rex Antioch" <v10la@operamail.com>
Subject: {ASSM} His Mother's Undisputed Darling MF Mg Inc Historical)
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Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2006 13:10:01 -0400
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Hello.

   I attach my story "His mother's undisputed darling" (MF.  Mg.  Inc. 
Historical).





   His mother's undisputed darling



   (Ed: I discovered the following document among a miscellaneous
collection of uncatalogued papers in a pile of dusty boxes in a cupboard in
the Psychology Department Library of a major English university.

   It appears to be a transcript of extracts from a private journal
maintained by Amalie (or Amelia) Freud, mother of that Sigmund Freud who
was and is still a towering presence in the field of psychology, and
psychoanalysis in particular.

   The document bears neither source nor attribution and there is no
reference to the existence of such a journal anywhere else in the
literature relating to the Freud family.  If its contents are genuine it is
almost certainly a translation for there is no evidence or reason to
believe Amalie Freud knew English.  The use of Gregorian dating is
interesting as it is more likely Amalie would have followed the Jewish
calendar but this, of course, is not certain and anyway may be no more than
a further translation by the anonymous transcriber.

   The document is adeptly typewritten on yellowing, poor-quality paper
suggestive of the period 1940 - 1950 and war-time conditions.  Forensic
examination while likely to provide more specifics is not going to add
anything to the essential question as to whether or not it is based on a
genuine document.  Only the original, if it exists, could do that.  I can
find nothing within the document which conflicts with what is known of the
Freud family and so establishes it a fake.  What its previously unknown
contents purport to reveal of Sigmund Freud's own infant experiences and
his relationship with his mother and sisters will of course be of intense
interest to scholars in this field but it is obviously for everyone to make
up his or her own mind as to whether these revelations fit within their
understanding of Freud and his philosophy or are so inimical to them as to
render the document unreliable.

   In this connection it must be remembered that in 1938 Sigmund Freud fled
the Nazi takeover of Austria and consequent rising anti-Jewish sentiment to
settle in England and it is not impossible that this document was a forgery
concocted by the Nazis to discredit the famous figure.  It is equally
possibly no more than the work of a bored student.  Unless and until
further evidence one way or the other is forthcoming it is for each of us
to read it with an open mind and decide for ourselves.

   Bracketed comments are my own but to avoid the necessity for extensive
interpolation or footnotes the Freud family referred to in the manuscript,
with their ages (in brackets) as at 1 January 1876 are: Sigmund's mother
Amalie Malka Freud, nee Nathansohn, b 18.8.1835 (40); his father Kaloman
Jakob Freud b.  18.12.1815 (60); his half-brothers by a previous marriage
of his father, (Jakob had been married twice previously), Emanuel (b.  ? 
April 1833 (42) and Philipp b.  ?.?.  1834 (41) both then resident in
Manchester, England; Sigmund Schlomo Freud b.  5.5.1856 (19); his sisters
Anna, b 31.12.1858 (17), Regine Deborah (Rosa) b.  21.3.1860 (15), Marie
(Mitzi) b.  22 March 1861 (14), Esther Adolphine (Dolfi) b.  23 July 1862
(13) and Pauline Regine (Paula) b.  3 May 1864 (11).  Not mentioned is
Sigmund's little brother Alexander b.  19.4.1866 (9).  A photograph of the
Freud family taken at around this time exists and can be seen in the
Library of Congress Freud Collection as, "Portrait of the Jakob Freud
Family ca.  1876".  At the dates this document refers to the Freud family
was resident in Vienna where it had lived for many years.)







   September (ed: 1875?)



   ....



   My golden Sigi is back from his visit to E(manuel) and P(hilipp), wildly
enthusiastic about England.  I am sure he is correct that the English have
the most accommodating attitude to Jews in all of Europe and that their
enthusiasm for all things scientific makes the Viennese academic
institutions seem positively antique, but then my Sigi always has been so
terribly enthusiastic about whatever it was he has last done and remains so
until he does something else.  We must be careful, though, not to let him
visit America, for then I fear we would never see him again.



   .......



   J(akob) did at least listen to Sigi's news of E(manuel) and P(hilipp) in
England and all his stories of them but I am sure Sigi quickly became aware
of the coldness and lack of interest his father expresses in the doings of
his eldest sons.  Certainly when Sigi now talks of England in his father's
presence he no longer mentions them, yet he does so at length when talking
to me.  He has made me aware, too, of the warmth and interest in me that
they both displayed yet makes no mention to either J(akob) or I of any of
the same shown for their father.



   Sigi has grown up with this rift in the family and is far too
intelligent not to be aware of it.  Yet to my knowledge he has never
enquired about the cause of it.  Of course in all Vienna today only J(akob)
and I can possibly know the cause and J(akob) I know, would never reveal it
to anyone, even his dear Sigi.  I surely cannot imagine either E(manuel) or
P(hilipp) revealing it to Sigi even were he to ask and I fear that,
forthright and bold young man that he is, it is quite possible that he did.
Is it possible that Sigi did gain some awareness of it at the time, infant
though he was, and that now he is a young man those babyish recollections
make a sense to him that it never could before?  My blood runs cold at the
thought, yet dear Sigi is as warm and loving towards me as he always has
been and I am sure I worry unnecessarily.



   ....



   October.



   ....



   In England it seems Sigi was introduced to the work of a Dr.  Braid (ed:
James Braid 1796-1860) who had been studying the phenomenon of mesmerism.
Mesmer himself and his `animal magnetism' had been discredited and drummed
out of Vienna years before I was born but it seems there was something in
it after all, for it now has the respectable Latin (or is it Greek?) name
Hypnosis (ed: Greek 'hupnos' make sleep) and is the subject of serious
scientific research in several centres.  Sigi himself has begun
correspondence with a professor Charcot (ed: Jean-Martin Charcot 1825-1893)
in Paris regarding the practice.  As usual he is throwing himself into the
study of things which interest him with enough enthusiasm for two young men
but I have some concern that this would not be well received by his
professors here in Vienna and I fear it may well interfere with the studies
he is supposed to be undertaking.  While his academic success has to be a
source of pride and satisfaction for us, I do sometimes wonder if he still
lacks that maturity which accepts the need for the dull grind of mastering
the basics of medicine before galloping off into the newer, wilder and more
speculative branches of the discipline!



   Sigi also lectures me at length on the proposals of this Mr.  Darwin
(ed: Charles Robert Darwin 1809-1882 whose theory 'On the Origin of
Species' had been published sixteen years earlier) which, as far as I can
gather, hold that we humans are descended from the apes, and that the apes
themselves along with all else are descended from worms.  Not a pleasing
picture I must admit, although even I am well enough aware of people in
whom it is very easy to see the heritage of apes and in some even of worms!
More significantly it is not a proposal one can in any way marry to the
beliefs of our people, which I am well aware Sigi is distancing himself
from, or even those of the Catholics to which I know he is attracted.  But
Sigi is one of the new men to whom, where the beliefs of generations of our
fathers run into conflict with the beliefs of science, it is science which
must prevail.  It pains me as I know it pains J(akob) but we do not fight
it for it was a battle lost before we even knew it was to be fought.



   Sigi's belief is that this heritage of the animals from which we are
descended is still present in the dark and primitive corners of our minds
and are the reason men rape, kill, and if hungry will fight like dogs over
a scrap of food.  It remains in women, too, although as our role in nature
as child-bearers and nurturers is different so are our animal passions, it
seems.  The veneer of civilisation paints over these ancient monsters in
our minds, hiding them even from ourselves to a large extent but, Sigi
maintains, if these passions try to surface in an individual who struggles
to suppress them the resulting conflict and its consequences can result in
mental illness and insanity.  Hypnosis it seems, by putting a patient's
conscious mind into a state similar to anaesthesia, allows the physician to
probe this pre-historic mind for the source of these conflicts and once
they have been recognized, physician and patient can deal with them.



   Such, at least, I believe is the gist of what Sigi has been telling me,
and surely these are terrible ideas for such a young man to be grappling
with.  I do not like them at all, yet I cannot deny that they make a
horrible kind of sense and if recognizing such things might alleviate some
of the undoubted misery of the world now merely caged away from our eyes in
lunatic asylums perhaps such darkness must be braved.  Such at least seems
to be Sigi's view and I cannot deny the nobility of such a venture even if
I quail from its execution.



   More immediately worrying for me is that when referring to these
primitive memories which lurk in the dark corners of our minds, Sigi also
referred to memories of very young children which although forgotten by the
conscious mind still trouble the sub-conscious of adults like, as Sigi
described it, 'faint whispers from a dark, locked-and-barred basement', and
perhaps seek to express themselves in and through dreams.  I cannot help
thinking that he laid special emphasis on this idea as though he
half-expected some response from me.  I am troubled by the thought that
perhaps he does have 'whispers' of his own from those times when we,
wrongly perhaps, believe infants have no comprehension of the world around
them.



   ........



   I surprised S(igmund) and A(nna) in the drawing room today and as I
entered they mutually stepped away from each other as though I had caught
them with their heads together hatching some childish prank, and A(nna)
could not prevent a most unbecoming blush.  Yet Sigi is far too serious for
such things, altogether too serious for his age, and A(nna) is surely too
ladylike now to become involved in anything of that nature.  Though it was
momentary and I cannot be certain, I cannot rid myself of the impression
that S(igmund) had his hand pressed to his sister's fanny though her skirts
just as the door opened.

   Perhaps I misjudge them both, that my fancies are altogether wrong.  Yet
if they are not what am I to do?  I cannot openly accuse Sigi of molesting
his sister for if I am wrong a more horrible falsehood is hard to imagine,
and I am sure J(akob) would be devastated at the mere suggestion his
beloved Sigi could do such a thing.  I have prepared A(nna) for womanhood
as thoroughly as any mother should and I am sure she would not countenance
any man, let alone her brother, improperly touching her.  Yet I cannot deny
that at her age I was intensely curious as to the sensations one could find
in one's body, and I did experience an intense, illicit thrill at the
accidental brush of a handsome man's hand against my skirts in the vicinity
of that bush between my legs.  Had I possessed a fine, handsome, clever
brother already a man would I not have been tempted to allow some little
latitude within the safety of that relationship?  I fear perhaps I would
have.

   Should I then blame S(igmund) for such an abuse of his sister if indeed
it is the case?  He must surely be quite familiar with the features of a
woman's body both from his books and from the patients in the wards he is
required to examine as part of his study, yet for sure there can be nothing
of sexual arousal in that any more than there is in the sex-parts of those
wretched worms he is investigating.  Too, I am sure Sigi is always
perfectly correct and proper with the young ladies he meets socially, and
as a Jew his opportunities in that direction are anyway unhappily limited
in today's Vienna, while I am certain he has never resorted to the women of
the streets.

   No, I will believe it harmless and do nothing, and it will pass.



   .......



   S(igmund).  has asked if he can practice his hypnosis on me.  It is a
truly terrifying prospect that makes my blood run cold yet I cannot in all
conscience deny him.  He complains that he has no other subject, for
certainly the University would disapprove of any such practice and he is
far from being able to practice medicine or any other therapy in his own
right so I must accept this, and he assures me that it is safe - that the
subject cannot be made to act in any way contra to his or her own will, and
it can cause no damage to the intellect.  He assures me that it merely
removes from the patient's awareness the superficial constraints of society
and what he called 'inhibitions' allowing the physician to access and
identify the underlying and more honest thoughts and motives of the patient
which even the patient himself might be unaware of.



   He assured me that he had no desire to 'strip me bare' as he put it,
which is in itself a troubling image for a mother to receive from her son,
but merely to practice and refine the technique necessary to achieve a
sufficiently 'comatose' state for those artificial inhibitions to be
relaxed.  Naturally, he told me, it would be necessary for him to test the
state by probing my subconscious, whatever that means, but added with a
laugh that surely there could be nothing dark or untoward in my animal self
that I should feel constrained to reveal to him.  However, he assured me
perhaps sensing my alarm at any such suggestion, he would not in any case
be intent upon probing my secrets to any such level but would limit himself
to the most harmless and inconsequential of matters.



   Nevertheless it troubles me, and I am ashamed that it troubles me.  I
really have no grounds to deny his request for to do so would surely be to
express mistrust and a lack of faith in one's own son.  I will do it for I
must, and must trust him.



   .....



   When I made known to my Sigi my consent to his practicing his hypnosis
on me so great was his joy, and so transparently honest his assurances that
no harm at all could come of it, that I was both reassured, and even more
deeply ashamed of my doubts.



   .....



   Today I watched Sigi from my window, in the yard with some of the girls.
Little Dolfi was on the swing with S(igmund) pushing her, higher and higher
until she squealed with mock terror and R(osa) and M(itzi) looked on
laughing.  It should have been a picture to warm any mother's heart yet I
could not help wondering if Sigi's hands were not lingering for perhaps a
moment longer than was necessary on his little sister's waist and hips as
he propelled her, and as he helped her to dismount it was surely
unnecessary for his fingers to brush as they did what little bosom she has.



   Oh, it is hard to decide if this is harmless and let it pass, or whether
I should speak to Sigi, or perhaps even A(nna) about it, for would not Sigi
find it easier to accept a rebuke from his eldest sister than from his
mother while with the memory of S(igmund) and A(nna) herself in the
drawing-room still fresh in my mind, perhaps a word to her to remind Sigi
of his duty to his younger sisters would serve to remind her of his duty to
his older ones also.  Yet it is hard.  Perhaps I should just content myself
with observing as it may yet, after all, be nothing more than my
imagination.

   ......



   Fresh from my appointment with my son the physician and his hypnosis I
must recall all that occurred for my own private posterity.



   I had not mentioned it to J(akob) for fear he would consider it improper
for me to attend upon my own son in his bedroom, which is of course also
his study there being no other room available.  Moreover I did not wish the
girls to be aware of

   it and so it has been necessary to wait several days until circumstances
should conspire to make the opportunity available.  Sigi bade me wear
clothing as loose and light as modesty permitted and agreed that my night
attire would be suitable.  Thus it was that in nightdress and gown that I
attended him, a costume in keeping with the subterfuge of the head-ache
which had forced me to my bed and enabled me to avoid joining J(akob) and
the girls on their expedition to H&F G's soiree.



   S(igmund) received me as solemnly as any physician a valued client,
greeting me as 'Frau Freud', no less, and ushered me in.  The drapes were
drawn, although it was still early afternoon, and a single lamp turned low
produced more shadows than light although the room was made quite bright by
a fire in his hearth which was welcome for the outside air was damp and
chill.  A cloth draped over Sigi's bed seemed designed to disguise its
purpose, and with his escritoire and table, his crammed and overflowing
book-case, his chest and two chairs set before the fire the room was quite
crowded.  Nevertheless it was with every courtesy that he relieved me of my
gown and saw me to the chair set nearest to the fire as though we were in
the finest suite of rooms in the Schloss Schonbrunn.



   Although he had bidden me to dress comfortably I will admit to having
felt uncomfortable sitting before my own son in just my nightgown as it did
seem highly improper, and perhaps it was an awareness of this discomfort
which led him to seem somewhat distant and detached, and indeed highly
professional, as he explained what he was about to do.  He had taken the
other chair which was set somewhat behind mine, and when as he instructed
me I turned my gaze into the small flames of the fire he was well outside
my sphere of vision.



   He then began speaking in a low, even and quite beautiful voice, bidding
me to relax my body and at all times attend to the play of the flames.  I
cannot now recall all that he said for I seemed to become lost in the
warmth and flickering light of the fire and the even flow of his voice, and
for certain it is a rare enough event in my life that I have nothing to do
but sit and relax temporarily free of the cares and travails of running the
household.  Indeed, I fear I might even have dozed off, for I cannot be
sure how many minutes elapsed before I became aware that Sigi had lifted my
hand from my lap and with it in one hand was holding a hat-pin in the other
above it.



   I would feel no pain, he assured me as he pricked me on the wrist with
the point, but I did.  Nevertheless with my body still torpid I was able to
show none even as he pricked me several more times and drove the pin into
my flesh quite deeply.  I felt a momentary shame at my pretending that his
technique had been effective even as I did so to avoid disappointing him
with its lack of success.



   Seeming satisfied he gently replaced my hand in my lap and began
questioning me in that same even, untroubled, beautiful voice.  Was I happy
in Vienna, he asked?  I replied quite truthfully that I was sure I was
happier than some yet not as happy as others, and observed lightly that I
suspected one would find in that a co-relation with wealth, which he found
amusing.  He then asked which of my daughters I loved most.



   This, of course had to be one of the trick questions he had warned me
of, for what mother would confess to loving any one of her daughters more
than the others.  Thus I replied that I found A(nna) most attractive in her
maturity yet P(aula) delightful in her innocence.  R(osa) is elegant and
beautiful while D(olfi) is caring and loving.  And Mitzi?  Ah, Mitzi is
clever and artistic and I loved them all.



   This he accepted without demure and he turned to other questions,
relatively harmless ones about my friends which in the light of the serious
demeanour of my son which seemed to far exceed his nineteen years, I felt
able to respond to frankly and no doubt to some extent surprisingly to him,
for I have never before felt able to discuss what some might uncharitably
call gossip with him.  I now fear he probably regarded this as a further
sign that my 'inhibitions' had indeed been lowered by his hypnosis but in
fact it was no more than my deciding able to treat him as the adult he had
undoubtedly become.



   Unexpectedly and shockingly he then asked me what my reaction would be
were I to discover that A(nna) was no-longer virgin.  This I immediately
recognized was a trick question with a vengeance and one indeed that would
test the lowering of my 'inhibitions'.  Yet it occurred to me also that to
react sharply to the question would uncover me as a fraud, and I was now so
far committed in it that discovery would be deeply embarrassing for me and
hurtful to Sigi.  Thus I instantly let my shock go and was able to reply
quite calmly that I would be deeply disappointed in her as she knew very
well that even a hint of scandal let alone a pregnancy outside marriage
would be catastrophic for her future prospects, and that I was confident
she had more sense.



   This Sigi again accepted without comment and moved on to a trivial
question I was able to answer without commitment, but I fear my composure
had been disturbed and I find it hard to believe he was not aware of it.



   It was only after three or four further innocuous questions that Sigi
suddenly asked me to tell him about Freiberg.  (ed: the Freud family home
at the time of Sigmund's birth, now Pribor, Czechoslovakia) His curiosity
is natural, of course, for he was only three when we left but there is much
that occurred in Freiberg which is painful for me to remember. 
Nevertheless perhaps because of my state of relaxation I seemed able to
remember it more vividly than I have in years.  His questions, too, were
innocent enough and I am sure he must have received some tales of our brief
life as a family there from E(manuel) and P(hilipp) during his time with
them in England.  Even when he touched upon the matter of the dismissal of
his beloved Nana I was able to reply steadily enough that it was for her
theft from us and he dwelt no more of it.



   By then much of the allocated hour had passed and declaring that he
wished me to re-enter the hypnotic state as a prelude to my restoration he
bid me regard the dying flames again and begin once again relaxing.  It
cannot be denied that it was such a pleasant experience that I readily
acceded and indeed fell into another doze before Sigi woke me gently with a
gentle touch to the shoulder.



   As I rose and donned my gown he was clearly boyishly ecstatic with what
he regarded with the success of his experiment, and I had even less of a
heart to disillusion him by telling him that at all times were my
'inhibitions' firmly in place and that there was much I could have told him
which I did not, particularly with regard to Freiberg.  So guilty did I
feel about this that when, enthusiastically, he begged for the opportunity
to repeat the experiment I did not have the heart to deny him, although I
did make request that he refrain from using the pin on me on a future
occasion as the back of my hand where he had pricked me was by then aching
quite uncomfortably.



   .....



   In the drawing room today and during a brief and innocent exchange
between S(igmund) and M(itzi) my alarms concerning the relationship between
Sigi and his sisters were again sounded.  M(itzi) was embroidering, a
pretty piece, and Sigi merely leaned over her shoulder to comment
favourably about it, yet M(itzi)'s reaction to her brother's praise was
quite surprising for as well as blushing and giving what I fear was a
simper, she also gave him a single, unguarded glance containing what I can
only describe as pure love.

   Am I saying that a sister should not love her brother?  Of course not.
Yet there is love and ... love, and there was an intimacy in Mitzi's
momentary gaze on her brother which I fear seemed to me to belong more to
that second category, for it was such as gaze as a newly-wedded, and
sexually wakened, bride might lay upon her brave new husband rather than
the fondness of a sister for a brother.

   Or is this just a fancy?  Do I project the unslaked desires burning in
my own blood upon my daughters?  J(akob) has been even less demanding than
usual recently and I know that Sigi's return from Manchester with his tales
of Philipp and Emanuel have stirred up the old resentment in that regard,
leaving me even more unsatisfied - almost unbearably so at times.  Is it
just this fever in my blood which is painting the most innocent
interchanges between my children with such gross indecencies?  I cannot be
sure.



   .....



   I must record what transpired during my second session of hypnosis with
Sigi.



   We proceeded as previously although as I had no wish to feign retirement
to bed a second time I was more properly dressed.  I did though at Sigi's
request loosen all the buttons and ties of my dress and had foregone my
more constricting undergarments.  Again I was seated before the fire and
again it was all too easy to let my cares wash away as Sigi bade me in his
beautiful voice to relax and clear my mind as though my thoughts were
simply little clouds burning off under the sun against the deep blue sky of
a summer's day.  I even drifted into that pleasant state where one dozes
while remaining aware of one's surroundings, content to listen to the
sounds of my son's beautiful voice while being unaware of what he was
saying.



   Then I was almost surprised to realize that not only was he asking me
about Freiberg again, I was answering him, describing the streets and
places I seemed to be wandering about in as part of my dreamlike state.  I
fear it was the pain of recollection that brought me to myself, for those
days were so happy, and so full then of promise.  Sigi, I believe, noticed
this in me for he stopped interrogating me and instead began explaining
that at the instigation of Professor Charcot he had been for some time
endeavouring to identify and classify his very earliest memories.  One in
particular he asked that I explain to him.



   Thus did I hear him describe it from his point of view - his view of my
and J(akob)'s bedroom from the doorway, yet from a vantage point so low
that he could not see the surface of the bed.  Yet on the bed he could see
me, naked and on one elbow looking back at him with behind me, looking over
my shoulder and also naked, a man who even at that time he knew was not his
father yet recognised was in his father's place.



   The vision carried, he told me, a dreamlike quality which had for a long
time led him to believe it had been no more than the memory of a confused
dream, yet two things now dissuaded him from this.  One, he told me as
though it were of little matter, was his memory of my black pubic hair
which had for many years frightened and confused him for it was only since
beginning his medical studies that he had discovered women even had pubic
hair.  The other was that having a few months ago in Manchester met his
half-brother Philipp for the first time since their parting when he was an
infant, he was sure he knew the identity of the naked man on the bed with
me.



   So it was out at last, and I knew only relief that I had no more to
worry about his catching some rumour from Freiberg which would only make it
worse than it was.  Gazing at the fire I told Sigi of my love for his
brother, and the catastrophe of his own unexpected appearance in the
doorway to discover us with, far worse, his nurse at his back in pursuit of
him and who saw us also.



   So I told him that the story of his beloved Nana's stealing from us was
false, designed to make it appear that any tales she might spread of my
infidelity with P(hilipp) was mere malicious revenge for her dismissal. 
But spread they had, and reaching J(akob)'s ear he had believed them for
surely he had already formed his suspicions, and so the cleavage in the
family, with both P(hilipp) and E(manuel) moving to England while J(akob)
and I fled the gossip in Freiberg for the anonymity of Leopoldstadt.  (ed:
the Jewish quarter in Vienna, after a short time in Leipzig.)



   Oh what a flood of questions my confession to the fire provoked.  Yes,
E(manuel) too for he was a fine, handsome man, and even at times indulging
them together for I had been a lusty 22-year-old when E(manuel) was 24 and
P(hilipp) 23 while my middle-aged husband was away for weeks at a time on
his wool-buying trips.  It had been P(hilipp) who had won my heart, but
E(manuel) upon discovering our affair chose to take his brother's part
against his father and it had been with no great reluctance that I had
given him my body too, when her frequent pregnancies barred him from his
wife's bed.



   I confirmed to Sigi that I have no doubt J(akob) is his father, for as
he questioned me he revealed he had already worked out that he must have
been conceived within a few days of our marriage (ed: 29 July 1855. 
Sigmund was born 282 days later.  The standard period of pregnancy is 280
days.) and I was able to assure Sigi that I had not betrayed his father so
close to our wedding.



   I told him A(nna) could be J(akob)'s child or P(hilipp)'s or E(manuel)'s
and in my heart I have always thought her Emanuel's as she is most like him
in his ways.  Poor Julius too could have been fathered by any of the three.
(ed: Amalie's
second son, born October 1857 but who only lived 6 months.) For Rosa I

cannot be sure as her conception would have been in June.  (ed: 1859.  The
Freuds left Freiberg in October that year.) E(manuel) at that time was with
his wife so her father could be J(akob) or P(hilipp), and I like to think I
can see Philipp in her.  I assured Sigi that all my other children are
J(akob)'s beyond doubt as I saw nothing more of P(hilipp) nor his brother
after that August day when Resi's (ed: Theresa Wittek, Sigmund's nurse and
'beloved Nana') tales reached J(akob)'s ears and I have not been unfaithful
to him since.



   All this I told the fire at the prompting of Sigi's gentle questions,
knowing only the relief of unburdening myself of this terrible secret -
perhaps there is indeed much point in the Catholic practice of the
confessional - and placing myself at the mercy of my golden Sigi for his
judgment.



   He was silent for a moment as though in reflection and then said sadly
that he would have liked to have been Philipp's son.



   I know well enough that he has little time for his father, who he
regards as weak and more like a grand-father, (ed: Jakob would have been 60
at this time and had in fact become grandfather to Emanuel's first child
even before Sigmund was born) and I suspect much of Sigi's rejection of his
heritage is derived from J(akob)'s embracing of it.  (ed: according to
contemporary accounts Sigmund was sometimes ostentatiously unJewish) It is
true also that had he been born but a week later P(hilipp) might indeed be
his father, but there is too much of J(akob) in his features for this hope
to be sustained and I saw no need to mention this.



   I do not believe he was shocked by my revelations so perhaps some
whispered rumour had already reached his ear which, together with his
memory of discovering P(hilipp) and I, had prepared him for it.  I cannot
imagine either P(hilipp) or E(manuel) in England disclosing this secret to
him, for both are old enough to be his father and would surely not have
entrusted this 19-year-old stranger who was their step-brother with such a
secret.



   However if he was discomforted it was not for long and in a voice as
quiet, untroubled and even as it had been throughout, asked if when I had
been with P(hilipp) and E(manuel) I had not been troubled by the thought
that I was committing incest with them.



   I had not, I told him I believe equally evenly, for though both men were
my sons they were only so by marriage rather than by blood, and had not
both in fact been older than I?  Moreover both had clearly been untroubled
by any concern that the young woman they were tumbling in bed was in the
eyes of society their mother.



   Sigi pondered this for some moments and then began to talk rather than
interrogate me.  His subject was incest, and he expoundd a view that its
prohibition and the abhorrence with which it was viewed was purely the case
of a social imperative of early transient tribal peoples being incorporated
into a moral and religious code.



   His arguments were too profound and intellectual for me, yet I recall
him talking of Lot, whose children by his own daughters became the Moabites
and the children of Ammon (ed: Genesis 19.36) and even Abraham, whose
half-sister Sarah was also his wife (ed: Genesis 20.11).  I also recall
Nahor (ed: married his sister or half-sister.  Genesis 11.29), Reuben whose
case he compared with mine (ed: 'went into' his father's wife.  Genesis
35.22) and Absalom (ed: 'went into' all his father's wives, in public.  2
Sam.  22) and from the books of the Christians, Herod (ed: married his
sister-in-law.  Mark 6.17) and Paul's apparent and remarkable approval of
father daughter incest and marriage.  (ed: 1 Corinthians 7.36?)



   Also he called upon Pharaonic marriages between brother and sister, the
apparent lack of any restraint upon incestuous relations among the idyllic
islands and noble savages of the South Seas and the experiences of breeders
of everything from cats to cattle to demonstrated that the taboo on incest
has no biological basis.  Some English academic has, Sigi claimed, declared
the purpose of the taboo was merely to encourage inter-tribal co-operation
and exchange.  (ed: perhaps E.B.  Tylor, 'Primitive Cultures', 1871) Even
the Great Darwin was called in support of his thesis, who apparently has
declared that in-breeding even between the closest of relatives only
produced deleterious effects after several generations who have themselves
been kept in restricted conditions of life, and that morals are simply
another product of evolution along with the plants and animals rather than
a matter of divinely inspired conscience.  (ed: Darwin.  "The Descent of
Man", 1871)



   Sigi's knowledge and depth of thought on this matter impressed me deeply
although it is a subject far removed from the medicine he is supposed to be
studying.  Yet he revealed it has been proposed, of necessity secretly and
in whispers by some in this new field Sigi is so powerfully drawn to, that
desires of fathers for their daughters and daughters for their fathers,
mothers for their sons and vice versa, and between brothers and sisters,
are not only far more widespread than is acknowledged but is quite natural,
and society's enforced denial of these desires and their branding as
immoral and unworthy is the source of much unhappiness and mental distress.



   He fell silent as though expecting some response from me, but I had
none. What could I say, having admitted to joyfully indulging such desires
with the sons of my husband, and thus my own sons.  Could I deny my girlish
feelings for my own father, and my knowledge that had he ever unleashed
that warm and laughter I so loved and his fine manly strength on me I would
have surrendered my newly-womaned body to him without regret or restraint?
Is it not so that when I look at what a fine, confident, powerful man my
little Sigi has become some small part of the glow of love and pride in my
mother's heart for him is the desire of a woman to be possessed by a man?



   Fortunately he did not force those admissions from me, but with a
disparaging laugh as though at his own pomposity moved on to lesser matters
and shortly after again lulled me into that delightful doze as a prelude to
'waking' me.



   It seems he is under the belief that the subject of hypnosis retains no
memory of what transpires during the treatment, for it is hard to credit
anyone however skilled an actor could treat as though it had never happened
such a deeply shocking revelation as he had just experienced.  Yet on
waking me Sigi was as warm and looked upon me as lovingly as he ever did,
and as he had clearly chosen to keep me in ignorance of the fact that he
was now possessed of all the facts that underlay our flight from Frieberg I
really had no option but to follow suit.



   Yet what followed was, perhaps, even worse than any disgust or horror he
could have displayed at what he had uncovered.  Instead, moving around
before me and taking my hands in his own to face me, he informed me gently
that he had made a diagnosis of a deep and hidden trouble within me, and
asked me to confirm that all was not well sexually between his father and
myself.

   It is true, of course.  J(akob')s age alone would militate against the
full and passionate encounters in the bedroom a 40-year-old woman desires,
but in our case J(akob)'s passions were well and truly doused by the
knowledge of my involvements with his sons and since that time his use of
me has been at best cold and unsatisfying, at worst no more than the
actions of a man with a whore, which with some justification he believes me
to be.  And who am I to judge, who can have no concept of what it must feel
like to be a man plumbing a wife while knowing his sons have also plumbed
those depths.  I know it was only J(akob)'s respect for our faith and his
adherence to the Divine Command to multiply that brought him to couple with
me at all after that time.



   Taking my silence as an admission he nodded thoughtfully and advised me
solemnly that were he in fact my physician he would undoubtedly diagnose
hysteria and prescribe a course of pelvic manipulation to cause me to
undergo hysterical paroxysm to rebalance my energies.  He is not, of
course, my physician yet he earnestly implored me to undergo the treatment
for my well-being and offered to perform it upon me both for my benefit and
his, it being a medical procedure which he needed to practice.  I simply
did not know how to reply to this and so, resuming his professional
detachment, he assisted me to my feet, helped straighten my clothing and
saw me politely from the room.



   How can I refuse him, yet how can I permit it?



   (ed: There is no doubt Frau Freud was aware, as most women of her age in
her situation would have been, both what Freud had diagnosed and the nature
of the remedy he was suggesting.



   For most of the 19th Century and into the early years of the present
century 'hysteria' was a catch-all diagnosis for many 'woman's problems',
including faintness and swooning, depression, nervousness, insomnia, fluid
retention, weight-gain, weight-loss, muscle spasm, shortness of breath,
irritability, "irrationality", loss of or excessive appetite for food or
sex, and a general "tendency to cause trouble".  Based directly on the
writings of the Ancient Greek physician Hippocrates, 19th Century medicine
had rejected his belief that the disorders were caused by the uterus
actually 'wandering about' inside the woman's body but nevertheless held
that the underlying cause was an imbalance in the functioning of the
various organs of the body which could be rectified by stimulating the
uterus into proper functioning.  The treatment usually prescribed to effect
this stimulation was 'pelvic massage' intended to bring about 'hysterical
paroxysm', in modern parlance genital stimulation leading to orgasm.



   As a result, masturbating women to orgasm in their surgery was a
substantial feature if not the actual mainstay of the practices of many
wealthy and respected physicians throughout Europe and the US for the last
half of the 19th Century and into the current one.  Often it was performed
by a mid-wife or nurse rather than the physician himself as it could be a
lengthy procedure, and medical catalogues of the era contain many ingenious
mechanical devices, such as the Chattanooga Vibrator of 1904, intended to
achieve the desired effect.



   Both the diagnosis and the technique would have been a standard feature
of the curriculum at Medical Schools of the period, such as the University
of Vienna attended by Freud.)



   ........



   November



   .......



   I know S(igmund) is waiting on my response to his plea to treat me but
in the days since he made his diagnosis I have been unable to decide upon
my response.  But I must do so.



   I have no real doubts but that Sigi is practising pelvic massage on his
sisters, or at least his elder ones.  I have no proof, but can there by any
other explanation for A(nna) and R(osa)'s light step, their laugher, their
confidence as young women, their regard for their brother?  I hope not. 
Surely Sigi would take it no further with his sisters than a little medical
attention for their well-being, lifting from them the lusts and temptations
girls of their age are so prone to, sometimes with disastrous results. 
Mitzi too?  Her flows have begun, and with them the urges of the woman.  Is
this the explanation of that unguarded look of love I intercepted?  A
shared secret as well as the confidence and trust of a patent and physician
added to the love of a sister and brother?



   It is not right.  It is not proper than S(igmund) should handle his
sisters so, even as a physician.  Yet as I visualise the scene of Sigi so
ministering to his trusting sisters I feel instead of the horror and
disgust a mother surely should, a burning envy between my own legs.



   It has been so long since J(akob) made any use of me, and my own
attempts at self-treatment are so often unsuccessful, leaving me sore and
frustrated.  Can I have any doubt that Sigi means me well?  Is only
concerned for my well-being?  Is it somehow worse that I should receive
this clearly needed treatment from my son rather than some fat goyim
physician from the Seitenstettengasse, to our mutual benefit?  Why should I
not do it?



   .......



   It is done.  Memory will need no reminding, but I will record it here
lest I try in future years to pretend to myself it never occurred.



   I attended upon S(igmund) in his bedroom/surgery.  As before he greeted
me solemnly as Fr.  Freud and made light, inconsequential conversation as
though to establish a remoteness between us.  With a sensibility I should
have known he would display despite his youth he had elected not to use his
bed as a treatment couch but instead drawn his table into the centre of the
room and covered it with a cloth.  As he helped me climb onto the table my
knees were weak to the point that he practically had to lift me like a
helpless babe, but it was not fear that I felt.  More a kind of dreamlike
disbelief that it was happening - that I was allowing it to happen as
though a small part of my mind was screaming at me to desist and withdraw
from what S(igmund) was intending to do, yet the greater part of me was
wilfully blind and deaf to it.

   With great solicitation Sigi made me comfortable in the table, with
cushions beneath my head, back and knees, and then covered my face with a
light, rosewater-scented cloth, although whether that was to save my
blushes or his I cannot say.

   Next he uncovered me from neck to waist and with firm fingers probed my
abdomen before announcing himself satisfied and moving onto my breasts,
which he lifted and manipulated gently, and then was I glad of that cloth
for sparing my blushes as I felt my nipples tingle to his touch and rear
towards him as they had those long years before when he had been a babe
eager to suck.

   If he noticed this, as he surely must have done, he made no comment upon
it but at length merely pronounced me in perfect health.  Then he undid the
laces at my waist and at his urging, still unable to believe I was doing
what I was doing, I raised myself in order that he could draw my petticoat
down, revealing myself to him utterly.

   Humming quietly to himself, some new Strauss waltz I believe, he briefly
examined my legs and feet and then without warning raised my legs and
parted my knees, opened my groove and with dispassionate fingers examined
the contents thereof.

   Have I been denied so long that I would have responded to any man's
touch as I did?  Should I have responded to my own son's touch as I did? 
For I experienced paroxysm (ed.  orgasm) almost as soon as Sigi's fingers
touched my privates, and even now hours later I feel echoes of that delight
surging through me at the memory.

   He was gentle and obviously knowledgeable, and if I am correct in my
suspicions he has been well taught and learned much from his sisters for he
seemed to know exactly what folds of flesh in my groove needed to be
touched, tweaked, kneaded and stroked in order to draw the desired
responses from me, as though I was a Prinzessin Lilienweiss (ed: 'Princess
Lilywhite', a glove-puppet character from the popular street
"Kaspertheater" of the time, an Austro-German equivalent of 'Punch and
Judy') while I moaned and writhed on the table in response to his
ministrations.

   If it is true that men continually manufacture their seed and must
regularly eject it for their health (ed: an 'urban myth' dating back to
Ancient Egypt and still current today.) could Sigi not be correct in
asserting that woman, too, requires regular relief.  In my case I surely
had much catching up to do after my years of deprivation in J(akob's) bed
for the paroxysm's poured from me like water from a broken dam.

   I felt my waters gushing from me also - poor Sigi's fingers must have
been soaked as was the cushion beneath my thighs, but I could no more
prevent it than I could stop the delight's racking me.  I heard Sigi saying
"good" and "excellent" at my responses, which pleased me, and felt him at
one point inside me, probing me deeply with two or perhaps three fingers
while still working on that button in my crack with his thumb and the
delightful sensations were so intense I nearly passed out, if I did not in
fact.  I cannot be sure.

   At the end I lay panting, wrecked, sweaty and exhausted on the table,
quivering as the delights still chased themselves up and down my body.  For
several moments S(igmund) merely fondled me gently, stroking the hair
around my privates much as he stroked his beard when thinking.  Then he
straightened the cloth across my face, which had I fear been much rumpled
by my wriggling and gasping, and left me for a moment.  I could not move,
but guessed his intent when I heard water being poured and shortly after
felt him clean up my stickiness with a cloth moistened with warm,
rose-scented water.  He dabbed at me gently, for surely I was swollen and
still sensitive despite my exhaustion, removed and replaced the soaked
cushion and then powdered me between the legs.  Then with a dry cloth
warmed from the fire he dried my body and breasts and straightened out my
legs, for I lacked the strength even to close them for myself.

   Only then did he remove the cloth from my face, and with it wipe my
brow. I was still lying naked on the table, but with his sweetest, most
boyish smile he looked down at me and with a murmured, "Thank you, Mama,"
kissed me lightly on the lips.

   It was in itself a moment to warm any mother's heart and fill it with
love, yet at the self-same moment he lay his hand gently on the hair
covering my pubis and lightly slipped a finger between my legs to brush my
secrets, still blood-gorged and tingling from his earlier attentions.  It
was unnecessary, a disturbing moment for it signified -what did it signify?
A son should not touch his mother there.  A son should not want to touch
his mother there.  Yet surely Sigi did it then to show that not only could
he touch me there, he wanted to touch me there.  And I?  Did not my breath
catch in my throat like a young girl allowing a man's hand between her legs
for the first time?  Did not my flesh want to rise to give a gentle kiss
with those other lips to my own son's fingers?  Did I not, by recognising
it and permitting it, acknowledge and give consent to my son's carnal
interest in me?

   The moment passed and, brisk professional again, Sigi dressed me and
helped me rise from the table.  I said nothing, and by not commenting upon
his lewd, over-familiar touch, surely sanctioned it.  Yet considering what
had just transpired, what my son had seen of me wriggling in sexual
ecstasy, what could I have said that would not have sounded hypocritical
and falsely modest?  Like the paying patient in any physician's surgery I
could do no more than accept his pretence that the indignity I had just
suffered had not occurred, and take my leave with what little dignity I had
left.

   Yet as I did so Sigi warned me that the relief I had received from his
treatment would not endure without a substantial, and unlikely, change in
relations between his father and himself, but made it clear that he was
very willing to repeat the treatment should I desire.

   Oh, I admit I desire it now only hours later.  I have a wonderful sense
of well-being, of peace.  I feel like the woman I have not felt for years.
I itch to consummate that feeling, yet J(akob) would spurn any approach. 
Even were he as desirous as I he would spurn me as he still takes his
revenge for that insult to him fifteen years ago.  He can only take me at
all by using me with distain and were he to think I were receiving any
pleasure from it would instantly desist even to his own discomfort, which
merely feeds his cold anger.

   Alas, S(igmund) has kindled a fire in me it would have been better to
have left cold, and I believe he knows it.  What will come of this?



   ......



   December



   ......



   I could no longer resist the burning in my loins and entreated Sigi to
repeat his prescribed treatment, which he obliged me by doing.

   There being no prospect of an empty house in the coming days in which to
continue our pretence of doctor and patient we adjourned to the scullery
during Hannah's (ed: the Freud's maid, apparently a distant relative of
Amalie) absence.  There I lifted my skirts and swooned as Sigi's clever
fingers between my legs probed and tickled me to ecstasy.  Surely A(nna)
and R(osa) have experienced the same at their brother's hands for I have
seen them both with him in the vicinity of the kitchen at other times,
breathless and flushed, carrying that same scent of rosewater that issued
from the kerchief with which he dried my privates after the treatment. 
Have I not even seen Hannah in the same condition, and smelled the same on
her?  Yet she like her cousins dotes on S(igmund), as does his mother, and
surely we are a most happy harem.  As mother I deplore it, as woman I yearn
for it.  Trapped between the two I dangle helpless like a hanged man.



   ......



   I entreated S(igmund) for another of his 'treatments'.  Taking my hands
in his and kissing me lightly he declared that I was ready for the next
stage and bid me attend on him in his 'surgery' tomorrow when for an hour
we will be alone in the house.

   He would not enlarge upon what he meant by 'the next stage' but smiled
knowingly.  I have heard of no 'next stage' following on from pelvic
massage in the gossip of the coffee houses and do not know what Sigi
intends.  He surely cannot mean....  No I cannot write it.  No more could I
permit it.



   .....



   Can I doubt it?  Could I stand before God and say I didn't know what
S(igmund).  intended?  No.  The knowledge was in my heart and mind and I
crushed it, refusing to let it emerge into the light of day, where it never
belonged.

   He welcomed me not as Fr.  Freud but as Mama, and I stood meek as he
undressed me and assisted me onto the table.  I pretended all was as it had
been before, physician and patient, although he did not cover my face and
let me see the look in his eyes as he caressed my breasts and stomach and
trailed lazy fingers in my cleft, and they were not the eyes of a
physician. I lay quiet, unthinking, unable to think, fearing to think, as
he woke the woman in me with all the skill gained with his sisters and
cousin, and who knows who else, and I watched with my flesh singing with
desire like a tuned violin as he disrobed and climbed to kneel between my
spread knees on the table, his rod of man-flesh rigid and throbbing for me.
Yes some part of me screamed no, this should not be.  It was wrong,
terribly wrong with my step-sons who were not of my flesh and great has
been my punishment for that sin.  How much more vastly wrong was this, with
the son of my womb, how much more terrible God's judgement - yet I lay
waiting, open to him and paralysed like a rabbit before the snake.

   My golden Sigi leaned over me, his prick readied and an inch from my
gates, and he kissed me gently on the lips, his chest pressed to my
breasts.

   "Mama, you are a virgin again.  Treasure the moment," he whispered and
then as slowly as a surgeon surely cuts to the heart, he eased himself into
me.

   He was right, of course.  He is always right.  No matter how many men a
woman has had, that first penetration by her own beloved son, that return
to her womb, is so unlike any other that she is a virgin in that regard
until it is done.  And for so many women it is never done.

   So wonderful was it, so magnificent, that I reared beneath him,
clutching him and shuddering to such transports of delight as he reamed me.
So long has it been since firm man-flesh last filled me to satisfaction,
for J(akob) can barely raise his member now let alone sustain it, that I
drank in the sensation like a thirsting man water almost forgetting that
the man-flesh was my own son's.  Yet I couldn't forget entirely, and the
knowledge that the weight on my breasts, the rod in my vagina, the
quivering desire in the strong hands clasping me was my own son's woke an
outburst of love in me which added an almost unbearably sweet sublimity to
the experience which surely should not have been had it been against God's
command.

   I felt my son seeding me and drank him in, responding to that powerful
pumping at the gates of my womb with convulsions of my own.  Then his
tension relaxed as all men do at that time although not by one iota did
that rod in me ease in size and urgency.

   "Sa, Mama," he said, or something of the kind.  "Do you not know now the
truth of it?"

   Do I?  My golden Sigi's face smiling down at me with such love, flushed
and sweaty with the results of his labours in me.  Did I not feel such love
in return, a great upwelling of the love a mother should feel for her son
even as I rejoiced to feel his flesh in mine stirring again and his hot
seed seeping into my womb.

   If that first time had been a burning-out of urgent desires the second
time was a simple pursuit of pleasure as he moved within me simply for the
sake of the sensation, and I spread wide my legs and angled my hips seeking
only to gratify myself on the thing within me.  A second time he seeded me
and I unashamedly rubbed myself on him seeking my own conclusion which he
assisted me to find.  Then, exhausted and panting like athletes I lay
beneath him and he on me still coupled and sharing that glow of reward that
follows the meeting of the flesh's demands.

   At length he stirred and kissed me as a son his mother while our black
pubic bushes were still entwined.  Then wearily he slipped his shrinking
member out of me and rolled off me and the table.  I lay unable to move and
unwilling to think as he recovered himself and then, with washbowl and
cloth, washed first his member and then my privates.  Only then did he
cover my face with the rosewater cloth and I felt and heard him flush his
seed from my womb with warm water, bulb and a rubber tube.

   He dried me and tidied up, and so exhausted, so numb was I that he had
to close and straighten my legs on my behalf as though modesty was still a
matter of concern for me.  He dressed, first himself and then me as far as
he could as I lay on the table, then he lovingly kissed me again and told
me I had transcended society's chains and could now look down on it with
loving sadness at its ignorance, like a Goddess.

   I... Is it so?  Do I not recall what occurred and feel instead of the
guilt, disgust and shame my mind tells me I should, just a pure glow of
love and joy?  Have I broken God's command or merely, as S(igmund)
believes, discarded a silly ordinance drawn up by men for purposes long
forgotten and irrelevant?  It is a question still beyond me.  Is not the
truth of it that I now know that my love for my son and his love for me is
complete, without reserve, without boundary?  Do I not feel like a
butterfly that has left its dry, brittle shell on the ground beneath it and
is now stretching its beautiful wings to the sun?  Yes, it is what I feel
now, but how will I feel tomorrow?

   As I left him S(igmund) told me to let him know immediately should I
find myself with child from our love as he was well versed in the proper
action to take should that occur, but the sooner that action was taken the
better.  I'm sure it is so.



   .................



   Time has brought no answers.  EL visited today with her sons, of whom
she is so proud and rightly too though neither is the equal of my golden
Sigi, and as I sat there meek and proper watching S(igmund) pour the tea
and make polite conversation did my guts not thrill at the memory of our
coupling and his member moving in me, to the extent that I almost feared I
would stain my petticoats on the chair.  I wanted to ask E if she did not
ever wonder what it would be like to feel that great ox of a son of hers
between her knees, his member plunging into her and out, and even
entertained the thought that she might in fact do so, for why shouldn't
she? And how would I know if she did, for surely she would keep it as
secret from me as I kept my secret from her.

   As Sigi had prophesied it seemed to me so silly that she should deny
herself that joy, for surely it is natural for a mother to contemplate it
as she looks upon the man her son has become.  Indeed would not a mother be
doing a marvellous thing for her son should she do so, relieving him of the
tensions only married men can legitimately release and lifting from him the
temptation to resort to unsuitable women.  Almost I gabbled it out but, as
Sigi maintains, the inhibitions are strong and surmounting them too great a
task for me.

   For sure H (ed: one of EL's sons?) is well aware of women for I noted
his eyes on R(osa) and even felt them on me and speculating.  That I at my
age should still be an object of desire to a boy in his teens does please
me even if perhaps it shouldn't, and I have no doubt that were his mother
to take him in hand and introduce him to the pleasures of the flesh both
would gain tremendously from it.  Yet, cowed mice as we are, we meekly obey
the rules imposed on us by patriarchs now alien to us and long dead, and
even deny our own honest feelings in order to please them.  Or, rather, I
did until Sigi taught me otherwise.  Yet it is more than I can do to take
the lesson to others.  The secret musings of this book will have to do.

   Sigi, it seems, was well aware of my thoughts for after they had
departed he sought me out and led me to his room where, abandoning all
pretence of physic, we coupled as eagerly as newly-weds.  It was a
dangerous thing, with R(osa), M(itzi), D(olphi) and H(annah?) still in the
house, yet as I responded to him inside me by climbing the mountain of
delight to paroxysm I felt I wanted every mother in the world to see us and
understand.  I must indeed be careful and watch my tongue.



   ......



   (ed: it seems Amalie decided to watch her pen as well as her Journal
from this point records briefly only the most significant household events
for the next several months.  The only entry of note is a new but often -
at least weekly - acronym 'mSv'; possibly "mit Sigi v�geln" - fucked with
Sigmund?)



   ......



   May



   .....



   A wonderful day for P(aula) as we celebrated her becoming bat mitzvah
(ed: her
12th birthday, 3 May 1876).  Although I know Sigi disapproves he gave no

sign of it and was all smiles and songs and laughs, and the girls all doted
on him.  Even J(akob) was unusually relaxed but of course the occasion
pleased him deeply and P(aula) at least he never doubts is his true
daughter, and is now a daughter of the commandment.



   .....



   I woke in the deep night, certain that Sigi had spoken in my ear. 
However he was not in the room, the house was quiet and J(akob) lay like a
log beside me.

   I rose and made my way to the girl's room - why there?  I do not know.

   They were all there around P(aula)'s bed, waiting for me.  I saw worry
in their eyes but not surprise, and from the way they glanced at Sigi as
though seeking assurance knew he had told them I would come, and would
accept it.

   Paula was naked on her bed, Sigi kneeling naked between her legs and
waiting for me.  He smiled and beckoned me in.

   "Come," he said.  "Help her."

   I knelt beside P(aula) and took her hand.  Watched as S(igmund) woke the
woman in her, our new bat mitzvah, felt her clutch me at the brief pain as
he penetrated her and then shared her joy and wonder as she experienced for
the first time a man inside her, and the delightful, awesome sensation of
receiving his seed.

   How else should it be?  Surrounded and supported by her sisters, held
tenderly by her mother and taken for the first time into the garden of
delight by a loving brother?

   Such joy.



   (ed: here the extract if not the journal ends.



   There is much here of interest to the student of Freud.  The extant
literature nowhere suggests that his interest in sexual inhibitions,
particularly concerning incest, as a basis for neurosis began as early as
indicated here.  Neither is there any mention of his studying, let alone
practicing, hypnosis at this early stage.  However as Amalie comments, both
would have been anathema to the conservative professors at Vienna's
University he was at that time studying under and he certainly would have
been sensible not to have published either interest, which would anyway
have been outside the standard medical course.  Indeed caution would, and
seemingly did, persuade him not to openly pursue both until he was well
established and had obtained a reputation capable of bearing the resulting
outrage from his peers.

   Of course nowhere in his writing does Freud openly suggest that the way
to overcome a neurosis arising from repressed incestuous desires is to
indulge in them, and for that period - and even today - it is unlikely that
any psychologist or psychotherapist's reputation and perhaps even
professional qualification would survive such advice.  For it even to have
been a practical form of therapy both parties to the proposed incestuous
act, such as the father in the famous case of patient 'Miss O', would have
to be willing to commit it and a psychotherapist would have needed to tread
very carefully indeed to establish the possibility of this being the case
while avoiding scandal.  However a close study of Freud's case notes in the
light of his views as revealed in this document might possibly suggest he
did on occasion carry it off.

   It seems clear from Amalie's reference in the above to Freud's admission
as to having had dreams about it and his drawing specific attention to her
pubic hair which, as a child, would undoubtedly have confused and perhaps
even frightened him, that his belief in infant sexuality was grounded in
his experience of disturbing his mother in the sex act with her step-son
Philipp when Freud himself was only three.  This scenario would be familiar
to any student of Freud, and now it seems that his description of the child
being confused, frightened but fascinated by witnessing the sex-act, with
its failure to comprehend its nature and the apparent violence towards,
even penetration of, its mother in the context of a loving act, the
security of the family bed &tc.  had a personal root.  In Freud's case this
would undoubtedly have been further confused by the identity of the man
concerned - not his father but his big brother!

   It is interesting, but fruitless, to speculate to what extent his own
desire to commit incest with his mother arose from that one event, perhaps
waking in him a desire to emulate if not surpass his brother Philipp in his
mother's 'affections', and how much to lay at the door of the desire to
seduce the parent of the opposite sex he believed was inherent in all
children.

   Equally impossible to answer is the question raised by the above as to
whether Amalie submitted of her own free will and desire to Sigmund's
seduction, was induced to do it through Sigmund's overcoming her
inhibitions by persuasion and argument, or whether it was the result of
post-hypnotic suggestion.  His apparent incest with all his five sisters
seems more gratuitous, and that their mother should be so untroubled by it
even in the light of her own incest suggests to me that she was influenced
by 'instruction' given to her by Freud during hypnosis.  Her description of
her part in, and reaction to, the events of the night of Paula's bat
mitzvah speak to me very much of someone carrying out consciously a
scenario dictated to them during hypnosis.

   Amalie died in 1930 aged 95, but during her entire life whenever
possible Freud visited her every Sunday with flowers and was clearly
devoted to her, even though those visits clearly caused significant
neurosis in him evidenced by the acute anxiety and stomach pains which he
reported preceded them.  Whether their sexual relationship, and how it
inevitably came to an end, had any part in that we are unlikely to know
unless more of her journal surfaces.  Or of course a similarly frank one by
Freud himself which survived his destruction of his own personal papers in
1885 and again in 1907.

   Freud's eldest sister Anna married Ely Bernays in 1883.  Some three
years later, after a half-hearted engagement spent largely apart in
different cities, Freud himself married his sister-in-law Martha Bernays,
thus emulating Herod whose action so scandalised the Jews.  They had six
children whom Freud declared were named "not according to the fashion of
the moment, but in memory of people I have been fond of.  Their names made
the children into revenants." With the word "revenant," Freud was referring
to his belief that a name results in the recreation of a previous person
with the name.  The only child of Freud to receive a decidedly Christian
name was his youngest daughter Anna, who was also his favourite and who,
unmarried, became Freud's nurse in the long illness of his later years.

   Sigmund Freud died in England on 23 September 1939, shortly after the
outbreak of World War 2.  His eldest sister Anna died in New York on 11
March 1955, aged 96.  Rosa, Mitzi, Dolfi and Paula all died in Nazi
extermination camps some time during 1942.)

   Freud wrote, "If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling, he
retains throughout his life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in
success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it.  This is
altogether the most perfect, the most free from ambivalence of all human
relationships."
   (C) Rex Antioch 2006

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