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From: "Stasya T. Canine" <stasyatk9NOSPAMED@juno.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} RP <*> Lost Innocence part 1 - Nightmare (Mm abuse-recovery seduction oral anal)  Stasya T. Canine
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Date: Sun, 22 Jan 2006 03:10:02 -0500
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This work is released to the public domain

abuse-recovery (Mm seduction oral anal)
----

Nightmare
Lost Innocence - part 1
by: Stasya T. Canine
---

I wake screaming at the remembered pain.  Not physical pain,
emotional.

The destruction of my innocence.

The years have taught me to forgive.

My mind won't let me forget.

OH GOD I WISH I COULD FORGET!!

To try to sleep again is useless.

My wife's voice is gentle. "Same thing?"

"Again."  I force the word out.

"Let me help."

Her hands are a welcome contact.  I roll over on my stomach and she
starts the routine of massaging the tenseness from my body.

With that gentle contact to anchor me, I finish remembering.

---

Once again, I'm eleven years old.  Eleven and innocent.

"Uncle Bill!"

"Hi Jimmy boy!"

I hold my hands in front of me and he grabs them and swings me around
a few times.  This is a ritual greeting for us.  The wind flying
through my hair and the thrill of motion as his strong hands hold me.

"Say goodbye to your parents, Jim."

He sets me down and I pause to wave goodbye to them. It is a wave done
out of duty.  The excitement of spending the summer on my uncle's farm
has me aching to explore.  Not stand here waving at them.

In my excitement, I don't see my uncle's smile subtly change as they
drive away and can no longer see us.  I wouldn't have understood it
anyway.  Not then.

Weeks later I would know what that smile meant.  Even now, after years
of therapy and a happy marriage to a loving woman, the image of that
smile causes me to scream in terror.

He ruffles my hair in affection.  "Come on kid.  Tillie has lunch
ready.

"Then I can show you the rest of the farm."

The first week was a joyous exploration.  I got to watch in
fascination as two of his horses mated.  It was my introduction to
sex.

"What are they doing that for?"

"It's how they make babies Jimmy.  The man horse has to do that to the
woman horse so she can have a baby later."

"Really?  WOW!"  Then something clicked in my mind.

"The thing I pee with.  Did my dad use his like that so mommy could
have me?"

Bill chuckled.  "Yes he did.  I'll tell you a secret too.

"It's lots of fun.  Even if you aren't trying to make a baby."

As we walked back to put the horses back in their stalls, he added, "I
bet you already know that some things are fun to do with it though."

I blushed and stammered.  "How'd *you* know that?"  I was too innocent
to realize I'd just admitted to him that I played with myself.

"I do it too.  Sometimes your aunt does it for me."

"You let a *girl* do that?"  My voice was filled with all the contempt
for girls I could muster.

He grinned at me.  "Sure.  It's a lot different when someone else does
it.  You don't get as tired."

I thought about that as we went in the house for dinner.

Later that night, I played with myself like I sometimes did.  The idea
of having someone else do it seemed strange.  Exciting.

Then I remembered the horses.  Putting my dick *in* something was also
a new idea.  I wondered how it would feel compared to using my fist.

I stuck one of my fingers between my ass cheeks to see what it felt
like.  I tried to picture that pressure and warmth around my dick.

Somehow, my fantasies made me even more excited and the tingling,
pleasant feeling even stronger.

I fell asleep with the image of the horses mating in my mind.

For the next couple of days, my uncle and I never talked about it.  I
went around trying to see if other animals were mating.  When he bred
the horse and mare, I was there watching avidly.

Bill was standing next to me.  He didn't say a word.  Then.  Just
shared that secret smile with me.

Weeks later, I discovered I wasn't the first boy he'd seduced.
Definitely the last though.  That comes later.  Just before I went
home.

When we got in the barn, he stopped me from heading back to the house.

"Ever played with yourself around someone else Jimmy?"  His question
was artlessly innocent.

"No.  We've showed off to each other though.  Mine's real small."

He chuckled.  "It'll get bigger as you get bigger.  Want to see mine?"

My eyes got big.  "You mean it?  Your's must be WAY bigger than mine."

"It's called a penis.  If I show it to you, you've got to keep it
secret.  This is a man-to-man thing.  *Our* secret."

Wide-eyed, I nodded my agreement.  A *man's* secret.  I felt ten feet
tall.

He undid his fly and pulled himself out.  It didn't look too big but
he played with it and it got bigger and bigger.

Finally, he stopped playing and pulled his hand away.  "That's as big
as it gets."

"Wow."  My voice was hushed with awe.  His penis was huge!  So I
thought then anyway.  It was actually only about 6 inches but to my
eyes it looked as big as the stallion's.  Especially when I compared
it to mine.

It jutted out and twitched as he stood there.  Finally, he put it back
and buttoned his pants.

"Maybe someday yours will get that big.  Maybe even bigger.

"Remember Jim.  Our secret.  I don't want to have to tell your parents
or aunt you can't be trusted with secrets."

"OK uncle Bill."

Over the next couple of days, he got me used to him exposing himself
around me when we were alone.  Then he got me to let him see me.  Fair
is fair after all.  I had seen his, he should get to see mine.

---

Sobbing into the sheets, I cry for the lost innocence I never knew I
was losing until it was too late.

Martha continues to gently massage my  back and shoulders.  Over the
years we've been together, she's learned to not go lower than the
center of my back.  If she gets near my butt when I'm like this, it
triggers a flash-back.  One time I attacked her because I thought she
was my uncle trying to screw me again.

That was just after we got married.  I woke screaming and she tried to
relax me.  When she got me to tell her what had happened, she helped
me find help and get therapy.  Together.  So she could learn to help
me when it happened again.

Odd...  I never before questioned her assumption it would happen
again.

I'll have to remember to ask her what made her think it would happen
again.  Or have I had this thought and forgotten it as I continue to
remember?

I can't help my shivering as I continue remembering.  Maybe someday,
the pain will go away.  I hope so.  The only thing keeping me alive
after a session like this is Martha.  Her love and tenderness as she
stays with me and eases me back and reminds me of what I have now.
I've survived.  That's more than others I've learned about.

---

Finally, we sat in the hay together and we each played with ourselves
as the other watched.

It was a new game for me.  It felt good and he taught me all kinds of
ways to make it feel even better.

"What's that white stuff?"

"It makes babies.  A man puts it inside a woman and eventually, a baby
comes out."

He used his fingers to wipe himself and then licked them clean.

"How come I don't make any?  Nothing ever comes out."  I was
disappointed because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do what my
uncle did.

"You aren't old enough yet.  Soon though.  You'll even start to grow
hair down there."

One day, when my aunt had left for town, we stripped completely and
sat there.  I couldn't help comparing how we looked.

Finally, I gathered my courage...

"Uncle Bill?"

"Yes?"

"Umm...  Could I ummmmm...  Well...  Touch you down there?"  What I
really wanted was for him to touch me.  Still, I was fascinated by how
different we were.

He loved me.  I knew that.  I trusted him.  He was helping me become a
man.  That was all I needed to know.  If he said it was all right,
why, it must be OK.  He'd never hurt me.  I was certain about that.

He paused and looked at me.  I din't see the added gleam of lust in
his eyes.  I was staring at his throbbing penis. It was twitching and
red and swollen and bobbing...  I just had to feel it.  I knew mine
would be like that someday.  He said it would.

"Sure Jim.  Go ahead."  His voice was soft and encouraging.

Tentatively I reached out and wrapped my fingers around him.  It felt
hot.  I could feel it pulsing in my hand.  His hips twitched as I
squeezed a little.  I let go and stared at it and then looked at him.

I felt....  Different.  I smiled shyly.  "I'll be like you someday?"

He nodded.  "Yes.  Someday you'll be like this.

"Know something else?  It's just like your arms or legs.  The more you
exercise it, the stronger and bigger it gets.

"Want me to show you some more exercises?"

I nodded mutely.

"OK, wrap your hand around yours."

I did so.

"Now, I'm going to hold your hand in mine.  I want you to use your
fingers to do what mine do."

Slowly, I started to move as his hand and fingers did.

At last, I got so frustrated I started crying.  "I can't do it right.
It doesn't feel as good."

He sighed.  Only later did I realize his sigh was for my benefit.  He
*wanted* me in that state.

He hugged me close as I cried.  "That's ok Jimmy.  It just takes
practice.

"How about if I do it to you and let you feel what it's like?  Then
you can try it later on your own?"

That shocked me.  I had been told to not let anyone touch me there.
It was wrong.  Up til then, it had been uncle Bill teaching me how to
become a man.  I was convinced he wouldn't hurt me.

Suddenly, I was facing a decision.  What we were doing felt good.  It
was fun.  Why would my parents tell me to not do something fun?  I was
going to be a man.  Uncle Bill says men do this.

He felt me tense as he asked and he loosened his hug.  His naked body
felt good against me.  Warm.  Comforting.  I felt secure as he held
me.

"Uncle Bill?  I'm not supposed to let people touch me there.  It's
wrong.

"Why would someone helping me learn to be a man be wrong?"

He let one hand start lightly stroking me.  Gradually, he worked his
way down my body. "Jim. It's wrong for *strangers* to touch you.  You
can't be sure they won't do something to hurt you.

"Isn't that what you were told?  Did your parents say anything about
*family* not helping you?"  He let it hang there as his fingers slowly
began to work around my penis.

I wanted to believe him.  Uncle Bill wasn't a stranger.  He was my
uncle.  He was family.

I wanted him to keep touching me.  I wanted him to show me how to make
myself bigger.  Be a man sooner.

I relaxed on him and said.  "OK, show me."

He hugged me tight.  "Tell you what.  To make things fair, I'll show
you and if you want, you can do anything you want to me.  OK?"

"OK"

He lifted me up had me sit on him so his penis was between my legs.  I
giggled as I looked down at us like that.  Next to mine like that, he
looked really huge.

Here we go..."  And we started a new game that day.  After doing
chores, we would find a place to strip and each of us would do
whatever we felt like to the other.  It was lots of fun for both of
us.

We'd spend time like that until he spurted and then we'd both wipe it
off and taste his come and smile at each other.

I loved him for teaching me all this.  His praise at my progress made
me real proud.  I was going to be as good a man as he was.

And it would be our secret that he had taught me.  He said every man's
duty was to teach a young boy how to be a man.  How to have sex and
make babies.  This was going to be something I would keep as our
secret until I was a full grown man.  Then I would pass on what I knew
and help another boy become a man.

Finally, he decided I was ready for the final lessons.

"Jimmy.  You want to find out what it feels like when you try to make
babies?"

"Sure!"

"OK, here's what you do.  I'm going to lay down on my stomach on a
bale of hay.  I want you to spit in your hand and then rub it all over
yourself.

"Once you're stiff, put your penis in my asshole and push it in and
out.  It won't quite be the same but it feels pretty close."

He smiled.  "You'll really like it.  It's *real* different than using
our hands."

By now, I'd do anything for him.  He'd never lied to me once about
things.  It was all fun and it felt good.  That's all I needed to
know.

"OK.  Won't it hurt you?"

"No." He smiled at me.  "Other boys and even men have done that to me.
It feels good."

"This way you get to practice so that someday you can help a woman
make babies.  Or just have fun together like we do."

So, I fucked him.  He was right.  It did feel good.  And he grunted
just like he always did when he came.  So, I knew he was having fun
too.

After I was done, he turned over and sat up and held me in his lap.

I snuggled and wiggled on him and felt him getting stiff.  This was
something we'd done before.  Sometimes I would sit on his lap and jerk
him off while his penis was between my legs.

"Bill?  What about you?  What if you tried to put yourself in me?"

What I'd done felt so good, I felt he should feel good to.  Oh yes, he
trained me well.

"Jimmy.  I'm too big for you right now.  You'd have to be stretched.
You know how you feel with a finger in there?  Well, you'd have to be
greased and real relaxed before I could get in.  I don't want to hurt
you any."

I tilted my head back to look at him.  "You could do it though?  It's
not fair for me to only do it to you.  If I'm going to be a man, I
need to know everything don't I?"

Damn he was skilled.  He had me begging for everything we did.  He
could honestly say that I forced myself on him.  How many other lives
did he ruin?  How many other men lie awake nights after screaming as
they remember?

No one will ever know.

"I don't know Jimmy.  We only have a couple of more weeks. I may not
be able to get you ready in that time."

I pleaded with him.  "We can try though can't we?"

He sighed.  "Yes, we can try.

"Get up and bend over so your ass faces me."

"Sure!"

Those massive hands of his were so gentle as they slowly caressed me
as I stood there.

I shivered in pleasure.  Uncle Bill was so gentle and tender.  I could
*feel* his love for me.  All these weeks and not once had he hurt me.

I sure hoped we had time for me to let him pump inside me.  I just
*knew* it would feel good.

At last, he used his thumbs to spread my cheeks apart.

I heard him hack and then he spat at me and I felt a wet splat.  It
was cold at first but that quickly vanished.

"Let me know if it hurts Jimmy.  Any time you say stop, I will.  This
takes time."

Gently, his thumbs worked around the outside of my asshole.  He'd pull
it apart a bit and then let go.  Finally, I felt one of his thumbs
start in.

"Unngh."

He stopped.

"Your fingers are bigger than mine...  OK."

After a while, he got one thumb in all the way and just let it rest
there.  While he did that, he reached around and fondled me with his
free hand.

After a while, he pulled his thumb out.

"OK, that's enough for now."

I straightened and turned to look at him.  His penis was bigger than
I'd ever seen it.

"Here, come on over and sit on my lap."

This time, instead of letting his penis slide between my legs, he
guided me so that it lay between ny cheeks.  I could feel its heat
along my crack.

It felt wonderful.  We stayed like that for a while until he softened
finally.

Over the next week, whenever we had a chance, he would work me a
little more.  I never questioned what he was doing.  Sometimes I would
fuck him first and others he would hold me and slide his greased penis
between my legs.

Finally, he told me I was stretched enough.  This time, he stuck his
fingers in for a while and waited.  Then, right after he pulled them
out, he placed his penis there and gently pushed at me.

It seemed like forever but finally, I felt the tip go in me.

He didn't do anything else, just waited a while and then pulled out.

Damn, he was so gentle about it.  It hurt a little but he took his
time and any time I said stop, he did.  If he felt me tense a little,
he stopped and waited until I said I was OK.

Finally, two days before I had to go home, I was ready.

"Let's wait for your aunt to leave."

I grinned at him.  "OK"

She was headed for town to do some shopping for extra food for when my
parents would arrive the next day.

"I have a treat for you.  We'll watch the horses first.  I have a mare
that needs breeding."

He brought the horses in the barn and we stripped first.  then he let
them breed.  God I was exited.  He was too.  While they were mating,
he had greased me and got us ready.  As they finished, we started.

"Ready boy?"  I wondered at the sudden change in his tone.  He was
tense for some reason.

"Yep!"

As I stood on a hay bale, he slowly entered me.  Finally, he was in
all the way and he stopped and waited for me.

"Ready yet?  This time I'm going to pump until I come."

"OK!"  That moment just before he started is my last happy memory of
that summer.

Oh, he started slowly and gently.  Then I felt his hands dig into me.

He started jerking me back at him and his hands clenched painfully on
me.

I started crying in pain.  "Stop!

"You're hurting me!

"Uncle Bill!  It hurts!"  I was crying as he drove himself in me.

This wasn't fun any more.  He wouldn't listen as I screamed.  He just
kept driving away at me.

Finally, he lunged one last time and held me against him as he came.

"Shut up boy.  You asked for it.  I've waited all damn summer for this
moment.  It my turn finally.

"Do you know how sexy that cute little virgin ass of yours looked?
I've wanted to fuck you for years.

"Our little secret.  If you tell anyone, I'll tell them you begged me
to fuck you.

"You gonna tell them about all the weeks we spent together?  How you
asked me to teach you to be a man?  All the fun we had together?

"Shut the fuck up and get dressed.  It only hurts a little.  If we had
more time, you'd learn that eventually you get used to it and enjoy
it.

"I did.

"Remember.  You had fun fucking me.  Did I hate it?  Hell no.  You'll
enjoy it too.

"Look at yourself.  You came too.  You enjoyed it as much as I did.

"Don't let a sore asshole make you forget that."

He shoved me away from him roughly.  "Let's get dressed before your
aunt gets home."

Still sobbing, I got dressed.  He stood there and watched me.

Nodding finally, he dressed as well.

"Come on Jimmy.  I have some medicine in the house that will help you
feel better."

"No!  Don't touch me!

"You lied to me!  You said it wouldn't hurt.

"I trusted you!"

Jerking myself out of his hands, I ran to the house.  As I ran, I
could hear the stallion screaming and some other noises.

---

Hours later, aunt Tillie got home.

"Where's your uncle?

"And why are you crying?

Sobbing, I told her.  "He was in the barn.  I hurt myself."

Gently, she raised my head to look into my eyes.  I tried to turn
away.

"Dear God. No."  She breathed it as a whisper.

"Yes."  Her voice was firmer.

"HE hurt you.  Didn't he?"

Numb, I could only nod.

She hugged me and we cried together.

"You stay here.

"I'll be back.  He won't touch you again.

"OK?"

She left me sitting there.

Her face was pale when she returned.

"Jimmy?  I want you to promise me something.  No matter what happens,
don't tell anyone what he did.  He'll never do it again.  To you or
any other little boy."

"He won't?

"Promise?"

She nodded.  "He can't. He's dead."

I looked at her in disbelief.

She nodded.  "It must have been the stallion.  They're both covered in
blood"

She held me as we cried some more.

---

She called the police and that was the end of it.  Or so I thought
then.

Accidental death they called it.  People thought he tried to take the
stallion away from the mare and the horse spooked.

Nobody ever told them otherwise.

I wish we had.

Maybe I wouldn't wake screaming in the night.

Maybe if we had, I would have been helped to put what happened behind
me.

We didn't though.

So, all these years later, happily married, if my wife forgets and
gently squeezes me at night while I'm asleep...

I wake screaming.
----

Stasya T. Canine
March 01, 1997

---

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