Message-ID: <52840asstr$1137276628@assm.asstr.org>
From: "Yotna El'toub" <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Review 002 - Melissa's Initiation by A Strange Geek
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Date: Sat, 14 Jan 2006 17:10:28 -0500
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Melissa's Initiation by A Strange Geek.


Storyline

<Brief outline only>

Melissa is a teenager out of water, and willing to do anything to fit in 
with her peers. Too willing as it turns out, and she is taken advantage of 
in a humiliating way. The rest of the story concentrates on Melissa's rite 
of passage, and its final surprising outcome.

Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

OK, I have to declare an interest. This is my kind of story, so I will try 
not to effuse too much. The piece is well observed, anyone who has been 
desperate to 'fit in' will recognise Melissa's angst immediately. The setup 
by her peers is wonderfully vindictive, and very like real teenage 
bitchiness. Once the trap is sprung things really get interesting, and the 
supernatural part of the story takes off. Melissa's transformation echo's a 
coming of age, or 'eating of the fruit of the tree of knowledge'.

There are some nice phrases, in particular in the 'supernatural' part of the 
story. For
example:

"The hand was withdrawn. There was the sound of shifting dirt and sand as 
the figure's leg-shaped appendages lowered it to its knees. Melissa heard 
something like a deep, guttural groan from the featureless face of the 
figure and shuddered. Its head appeared to turn, as if shifting its gaze 
over to her feet and drawing it very slowly up her body and back up to her 
face. Melissa thought she could actually feel the spectre's gaze on her, 
like ice just barely touching her skin.

The figure's hand reappeared. It reached for her face."

Nice! Or not, depending on your point of view :-)


Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

There were a few clumsy sentences, over wordy and unnecessarily complex. 
This sentence is a classic (I could also have written this).

"She had wanted more control over her life than she believed she had, and 
this seemed like the perfect way to go about gaining just that."

As my editor would put it 'She had always been a hostage to life, and this 
seemed an ideal way to change that.' I think this is an error people trained 
to write reports tend to make, but hey - who knows.

There are a few odd words that grated, but this could be local usage. To a 
Brit it sounds wrong and pull you out of the story. Examples below.

"The figure's pinpoint red eyes appeared, and it leaned in closer, its groan 
questioning in nature." <lent>

"We present her to the goddess in hopes that she will be found worthy." <the 
hope>

I personally find Melissa a litle too unsympathetic after her conversion. I 
think she would retain more humanity, revenge is sweet, but she would know 
the feelings of a victim.



Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20. <16>

It is good, the wind howls, and the spectre does 'spectres' things.

Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20.
<15>

Once again good, in fact a strong point.

Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out of  20.
<16>

The supernatural part is excellent, and the female emotions are well 
portrayed.

Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20.  <12>

I have some reservations here, there are mistakes and some of the sentences 
are 'clunky'.


Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?> Marks out 
of 20. <15>

Well I want to know more about that damn spectre for a start. But a 
continuation  of the mind control section would probably be too bland. May 
be a new initiation?

I would like to see more. Good feeling that the story was about more than 
the subject itself. This is a nice allegory about growing up, and may be the 
abuse of power.

Good one!

Total score

74 Yotties out of 100.

Readability guide          00-20 must try harder.
                                 20-40 needs development
                                 40-60 readable
                                 60-80 good read
                                 80-99 should read
                                 100 reserved for my stories :-)

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-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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