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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 317 - February 28, 1999
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Celestial Reviews 317 - February 28, 1999
Note: A tall woman met a midget at a party. Although the midget was barely three
feet tall, they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman,
"especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and
close your eyes," said the midget. "I'll make you happy."
The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever
experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I
get BOTH legs in there!"
Second note: I don't know what I did for humor when you folks weren't sending me
this stuff:
The Top 15 Christian-Coalition-Approved Nicknames for Breasts:
15. Democrat Catchers
14. NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)
13. Pastor Baiters
12. Mounds of Shame
11. Heavenly Canteens
10. Pearly Weights
9. Hooteronomies
8. Pizza Pizza
7. Sweater Undulations
6. The Daughters of Lactiticus
5. Racks of lambs of God
4. Communion Woofers
3. First and Second Mammalonians
2. Pamela 36:D
and the Number 1 Christian Coalition-Approved Nickname for Breasts...
1. Beelzeboobs
Third note: I noticed somebody in a.s.s.d. giving me grief for being cliquish
because I review stories for some sort of in-group. I'd like to point out that
of the twelve stories I reviewed myself in CR 316, six were by authors whose
work I had never reviewed before. Of the twelve stories in the current issue (CR
317) that I have reviewed at the time I am writing this sentence, seven are by
authors I don't think I have reviewed before. Two others are by authors whose
work I have seen for the first time only within the last week; but I liked it so
much that I have grabbed onto a second story this quickly. The stories reviewed
by the guest reviewers represent an equally diverse lot. If this is a clique, I
guess maybe I had better get busy and introduce the members of this clique to
one another!
If you DO want me or a guest reviewer to review your story, try the following:
(1) Make the title creative but clear.
(2) Proofread the story before you post it. If you need proofreading help,
contact me and I'll put you in touch with someone.
(3) Take special care to make the opening paragraphs of your story interesting.
Make me (and others) WANT to read your story.
(4) Consider your audience. If you wrote your story as stroke material for
someone special, consider that maybe you will have to revise it if you want
someone beyond that small group to enjoy it.
(5) I STRONGLY recommend bouncing the story off at least one or two trial
readers before you go to press and incorporating their suggestions into the
final product.
(6) Use formatting and grammar that make readers think you give a damn about
them.
(7) Send me a copy of the story or a note telling me where my guest reviewers or
I can find it. Or mark it with an asterisk in brackets <*> when you post it.
Otherwise, I just grab stories that appeal to me off a.s.s.m. or a.s.s.
If you DON'T want me to review your stories, try the following:
(1) Post it in incomplete format (e.g., part 3/?).
(2) Label it ambiguously or with headers that don't appeal to me (e.g., Mf+,
best, vomit, snuff).
(3) Use a second person narrative format that will appeal to only one other
person in the entire world.
(4) Use really sloppy formatting and/or grammar, especially in the first
paragraph or two of the story. In other words, give your readers the impression
that you aren't interested in making the story conveniently readable for them.
(5) Send me a note and tell me to leave your stories alone.
Fourth note: Wijit recently posted this advice in a.s.s.d. to someone entering
upon that long-term sexual commitment known as marriage:
<<Now is probably a bad time for pragmatism, but ... a suggestion, if I may ...
Think about taking out some insurance ..., ie go for some pre-marital counseling
with your respective fiances.
1) It will be an eye-opener - you will discover things about each other that
will astound both of you.
2) No matter what is discovered, neither of you will regret the discoveries in
the long run.
3) It is highly likely that you will both view the experience as the best thing
you ever did for yourselves and each other.>>
I feel compelled by conscience to put in a word of agreement. In the stories
posted with this newsgroup (as with movies and television shows) we see hot sex
and hot fantasies. There's no time for sensible things, like counseling. The
people in these stories often achieve ecstatic happiness; but in real life the
odds of that happening increase astronomically if the partners (1) talk to each
other (or one another, if you can handle the raunchy grammatical allusion) and
(2) talk to an intelligent outsider when problems arise.
I mean, I didn't ask for a shrink's consent before I gave my husband that
memorable blowjob while we watched that other couple make love on the roof of
that hotel fifteen years ago, nor does any counselor know how often I go out in
public without underwear; but my husband and I have talked to counselors. We
have also participated in "marriage encounter groups" -- which involved no
groupsex but plenty of individual sex and lots of communication and values
clarification; and we are glad we have done so.
So enjoy the stories, but keep them in perspective when you decide to do
something significant that might alter your life or that of another person.
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Moments" by Neos Fyllo {romance} 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446062647
"A Return to Romance" by Mira {romance} 7, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=417302907
"36,000 Feet" by Caesar {mile high sex} 8, 9.5, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=441900806
"The Shower" by Tiramisu {shower sex} 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=416318091
"Erotic Shower" by Hotscribe {shower sex} 9, 8.5, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=416451574
"Corruption of the Innocent" by Mark Aster {hot foursome}
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446355629
"Wishful Thinking" by Tiramisu {business meeting fantasy}
10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446432981
"A New Outlook on Life" by Rosa {sex in the barber shop} 9, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=445265104
"Shy Young Wife (Revisited)" by Mick {wife watching} 8, 5, 3
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=436260200
"Climbing" by Poison Ivan {sex in the great outdoors} 10, 10, 10
DejaNews http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423890875
His site http://members.tripod.com/~poisoniv1/climb.html
"How I Do What I Do" by BlueWords (adolescent essay) 9.5, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=424164796
"Encore!" by Sundance (romance) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=441610675
Also at http://extra.newsguy.com/~suntales/encore.htm
Sundance as a site at http://extra.newsguy.com/~suntales
"Stroke Story" by MichaelD (stroke story) 10, 8, 8
DejaNews
Part 1 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=438651342
Part 2 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=438651346
Part 3 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=438651350
At bitbard http://www.bitbard.pair.com/library/michaeld/stroke.html
"Thicker than Water" by Phil (brotherly love) 8, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=422435953
at his site http://www.xanadu2000.freeserve.co.uk/sister.htm
Phil has a site at http://www.xanadu2000.freeserve.co.uk
"Epiphany" by Sidney Durham (old/young romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=439301166
"E-Mail Love" by Jeff Klein (romantic e-mail) 6, 5, 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447421892.1
"Penelope" by Nick (nostalgic retrospective) 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447050586
"My Reward Ch 22" by Azil (mind control) 8, 5, 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447048321
"Casey at the Bat" by Poison Ivan (baseball and sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247202
"A Birthday Story" by James Bellamy (romantic birthday) 8, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448249324
"Deciding" by Malinov (sexual ambivalence) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247198
"From the Corner of 1st & Rowan East Los Angeles to Sunflower Alley" by R.A.
Mendoza (cold war military diary) 10, 9, 10
http://home.inreach.com/rianial/
=====================
Reposted Reviews Index:
=====================
* "Shower Buddies" by Stone Wolf (humorous sexual
escapades) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13539.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13670.txt
* "Shower Surprise" by MD James (college sex) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=195926973
* "Early Morning Love" by Summer's Rose (sex in the shower)
10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309834277
* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (sitcom
parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=168930451
* "The Insatiable Flirt" by Anne747 (ff shower sex)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=260328521
* "Soft Ball or My Best Position" by Taria (shower sex)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323463004
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323573731
* "April Showers" by Hawkeye (voyeurism & hot sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=339651286
* "Showertime Shag" by The Provert (slutty shower sex)
5, 5, 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340672147
* "Sweets Stories: Shower Part 1" by Sweets1140 (multiple shower
masturbation). BillyG: 6, 6, 5
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12608.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367459539
* "The Shower Tales: Maureen" by Steve R. (sex with voyeurism). Ivan: 6, 6, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=172389526
* "Shy Young Wife" by Mick (wife seduction). Jordan: 8, 7, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=270407449
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=270414331
* "Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (fucking Celeste) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=262932540
=====================
Guest Reviews Index:
=====================
"Michelle" by MichaelD {romance with young relatives}.
Sundance: 10, 10, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=418557721
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=418557735
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=418557728
BitBard http://www.bitbard.pair.com/library/michaeld/michelle.html
"Bringing Home the Boss" by Lambchop (happy threesome)
Homer: 10, 7, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=435572569
"Cat House" by Rosemerry (seduction and animal voyeurism)
Homer: 9, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=435943024
"Janey's October" by Janey (sexual behavior modification)
Website: http://members.tripod.com/~janey98
Homer: 9, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448245017
http://members.tripod.com/~janey98/Janey_October.html
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Moments" by Neos Fyllo (neos@nym.alias.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446062647
There's a legitimate sense in which one could argue that this "isn't really a
sex story." But there's also a sense in which this is a bestiality story (after
all, the dog does give birth while the couple exchange loving glances) and
another in which it's a pedophile story (since the parents obviously love the
child they adopt).
But if you believe (as I do) that there's more to romantic sex than organs
throbbing as bodies come together, then I think you'll agree that romantic sex
is what this story is all about.
So I'll be plain about it. This story contains nothing that I would call
explicit sex, but it's one of the sexiest short stories I have ever read. And I
guarantee you that to the extent you can infuse the attitudes and values
expressed in this story into your own romantic life, you'll have one helluva
great sex life - no matter what else happens.
My description is vague, but that's because anything I would say would be a pale
parody of this story of a man's trip though life with the woman he loves. Read
it! You won't be sorry.
Ratings for "Moments"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Return to Romance" by Mira (miramalin@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=417302907
This is a short piece with seriously botched grammar. A simple rereading would
have enabled the author to align the tenses properly and to remove the other
distractions that mar this otherwise beautiful little story. I suspect the story
was actually written by two people, one writing in the present tense and the
other in the past.
Anyway, what we have here is a description of two people lying in each other's
embrace, sharing their memories of happiness and passion together.
Ratings for "A Return to Romance"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"36,000 Feet" by Caesar (caesar69@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=441900806
For a moment I thought I was reading a pedophile story here. But then I realized
that the excruciatingly patient hand that was fondly caressing our narrator as
he traveled at 36,000 feet was featherlike, not fatherlike an entirely
different and less Oedipal concept. If you think I had problems, consider the
narrator's own thoughts at this time: "Gawd, I prayed it was not a man!"
You see, the poor guy has fallen asleep on the plane on his way home after a
business trip, and he's pretty sure that's not his wife who has been copping a
little more than a feel.
This is an extremely imaginative and sexy story.
Aside from some annoying typos and spelling errors, my only problem was that the
author assumes that calling the woman a slut somehow enhances the experience.
I'm sure that term COULD enhance the ambience for some people participating in
this activity, but it was a temporary turnoff for me.
By the way, there's a "Mile High Club" Web Site at
http://www.milehighclub.com/tales/tale34.html.
Ratings for "36,000 Feet"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Shower" by Tiramisu (tiramixu@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=416318091
Sara comes home unexpectedly and catches her husband masturbating in the shower.
Instead of warning him about impending blindness, she watches for a while. After
she gets sufficiently turned on, she makes her presence known to him. Since they
have always been rather straitlaced in their marriage, he's embarrassed; but she
helps him work things out.
Just a word of advice, based on personal experience. When you do this sort of
thing, especially if you spend time watching first and then blindfolding your
partner after he watches you for a while, there's a good chance you'll run out
of warm water. I believe it was a 19th-century pope who said, "The sudden onset
of a cold shower can serve as an effective and morally acceptable form of birth
control." Just thought you might like to know.
Ratings for "The Shower"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Erotic Shower" by HotScribe (mikaal@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=416451574
After reading the preceding story, I decided to do a bit of a theme issue.
Thanks to John Dark, my database is now fixed, and I can find my old reviews on
any topic. So I popped in the word "shower," and I found that I had already
reviewed eleven stories that involved showers to one degree or another.
I LOVE erotic showers. To be perfectly honest, my realities have never yet quite
lived up to my expectations. That's because my fantasies regarding showers are
exceptionally high. I HAVE done some very good things to myself in the shower,
but the bath TUB surrounded by mirrors that reflect candles is actually better.
A Jacuzzi ain't bad either.
But when it comes to sex with a partner in a shower, the accoutrements just get
in the way. For example, there are the handles to the faucets, and these tend to
get in the way. Also, it's practically necessary to do it standing up, and his
legs are too long for my body, unless we bend, and there's just not room for
that. Then there's the problem that the water suddenly turns cold when the hot
water runs out.
Therefore, long ago we decided that the shower was for foreplay and that the ACT
itself was to be consummated in the bedroom. The problem here is that it's
necessary to dry off if we don't want to soak the bed with ordinary H20. {I just
wanted to see if this automatic formatting would turn that 2 into a subscript.
It didn't. I should have just said water.} But - here's the kicker - although
the water makes us WET, it has the effect of making us extra DRY after we dry
off, because all the natural oils on the skin and (more importantly) at the
entrances to various orifices have been washed off. This means that skin-to-skin
contact can be a bit abrasive immediately after a shower, and the insertion of a
dry phallus into a dry opening that does not have its own lubricants can be less
pleasant than one would hope.
There are solutions, of course; and I intend to keep looking for the perfect
one. And shower sex CAN still be pretty good; it's just that I set my standards
so high because of fantasies brought on by stories like this and the previous
narrative that reality has not yet lived up to my fantasies.
Ratings for "Erotic Shower"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Corruption of the Innocent" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446355629
Sometimes I read a story and give it all 10's. Then after I write the review and
read my email and correct a few papers - in other words, after I let my hormones
stop frolicking, I come back to the review and knock a point off here and a half
point off there.
So I gave this one my 10's and wrote the description of what the author does so
well, and then I came back and left the ratings alone on this one.
In case you're not familiar with this epic saga, let me give you the general
outline. Pat and Julie are the Allen Sisters, two marvelously endowed and well
adjusted young ladies with extraordinary sexual talents. The narrator of the
stories, whom I refer to as Our Hero but whom the author refuses to name except
by the lower-case designation hetboy, is married to or has at least fathered a
beautiful child with one of the sisters. It matters not at all which sister; for
they share Our Hero and themselves with the world at large. Sometimes they fuck
one another into mind-numbing ecstasy. Sometimes they share their joy with
somebody else, my favorite being Aurora Drake, whose name alone could be enough
to convert me from my monogamous lifestyle. This all happens in a wonderful
world - probably a place called Heaven - where no one ever incurs a disease and
where it never even remotely enters anyone's mind to become jealous or
possessive - a place where the lewd and lascivious, lithe and luscious Aurora
Drake can come and cum (in a different episode) without anyone making fun of her
marvelous name.
This episode is much like the seventy-five that have preceded it. Our Hero and
the Sisters are going at it, when Our Hero innocuously exclaims, "God, we're
happy!" "Such joy should be shared," chimes in Pat. And so, while the aforesaid
duo continue foreplay, Julie leaves the dwelling and shortly returns with the
Innocent mentioned in the title of the story. Fred doesn't at all mind being
corrupted.
What this author does really well is orchestrate simultaneous sexual activity
among three or more sexy people. I would try to explain it, but instead I'll
just suggest that you read the story.
Ratings for "Corruption of the Innocent"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Wishful Thinking" by Tiramisu (tiramixu@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446432981
Our narrator is at a boring meeting where people are engaging in monotonous
presentations about their wishful thinking for the company's future. And so, she
engages in some wishful thinking of her own; but her thoughts are actually
fantasies about Sally Hastings, the proper, professional, stiff accounting
manager who is running the slide presentation.
The fantasy is a good one. Improbable, but very good.
Ratings for "Wishful Thinking"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"A New Outlook on Life" by Rosa (rosa6262@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=445265104
The author swears that this story is true. To be perfectly honest, I have my
doubts. I mean, if a woman giving a guy a haircut after the shop has closed
would take off her bra for an extra twenty bucks, her top for another fifty, her
pants for another hundred, and eventually give the guy a blowjob and then finish
with a full-penetration orgasm, what kind of character reference is she likely
to get for the veracity of her testimony?
Having said that, for didactic purposes I'm going to ask you to assume that I
assume she's telling the truth. My point is that this is an excellent example of
how to tell a true story in such a way that it's as interesting as an untrue
story. So often authors in this newsgroup go into too many details when they
tell their true stories or keep going way beyond the climax {the literary
climax, that is} or make some other mistake that drives their audience to
distraction.
This is not alt.sex.anthropology. It's alt.sex.stories. So tell us a story! If
you have a good story to tell, do it the way Rosa does it. And as far as I'm
concerned, you can lie your ass off and tell me that it's a true story, as long
as it's a good story.
Ratings for "A New Outlook on Life"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Shy Young Wife (Revisited)" by Mick (caledonia_99@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=436260200
This is a rewrite from a different perspective of a previous story. In the
original "Shy Young Wife" Mick described how he had seduced a wife and ruined
the marriage of a young couple. In this story he describes the same events from
the perspective of the cuckold husband.
Danny's shy young wife, Pam, has never had an orgasm during their lovemaking.
Initially, this was fine: she'd fuck and he'd come. Recently, she has cooled off
sexually. More recently, she has acted a bit strange - as in jerking him off and
pleasuring herself privately, but not letting him pleasure her. As in giving him
a great blowjob with the room so dark that nobody can see anybody. As in wanting
to be treated like some kind of whore. What's going on here?
Finally, the night comes when Pam brings home the Reason - a chap named Mick,
who happens to be the author of the story. He's been "training" Pam to be a
slut, and tonight he's going to screw her in front of her husband, if that would
be OK with him.
The story was "almost sexy" in a spooky way. Now, I haven't read the first
version of this story (which was reviewed by Jordan Shelbourne in a review
reposted later in this issue), and maybe I would have liked it better had I seen
the other half. However, the story is apparently supposed to stand alone; and as
such it leaves a lot of questions unanswered. I assume, for example, that the
emasculated hero has some sort of personality dysfunction that leads him to act
like a wimp, but I was given no explanation for his bizarre behavior. Likewise,
I didn't know whether there was some sort of "mind control" explanation for the
wife's equally grotesque behavior or for Mick's apparently cruel and arbitrary
mistreatment of the couple.
Both Danny and Pam are superficial, banal people, lacking in any characteristics
that I could admire. Some excellent authors (e.g., John Updike) have taken such
characters and infused them with personalities, but that doesn't happen in this
story.
Maybe people who are into the ritualistic wife-watching genre will recognize the
"code" and enjoy this story more than I did. And maybe I would enjoy the story
more if I read the first version - but what I've seen here doesn't fill me with
a driving urge to look for more of the same. It comes across as a reasonably
clear but insipid description of dysfunctional sex. I couldn't even figure out
whom I was supposed to feel sorry for.
Ratings for "Shy Young Wife (Revisited)"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Climbing" by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com). Ivan has a web site at
http://members.tripod.com/~poisoniv1/.
DejaNews http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423890875
"Good!" I exclaimed to myself. Then I clicked back on the story and continued
reading. Earlier in the day I had sent Roger a list of a dozen stories for which
I wanted him to find reviewers. I had made a deliberate attempt to refrain from
keeping all the good ones for myself. As I started reading this story, it
occurred to me that maybe it had been on that list. Fortunately, it wasn't.
There are many ways to define a good story. For me, an important characteristic
is that the story must catch my attention up front. That's why I like Edgar
Allan Poe and hate Henry James. The present story had my interest. Even if Roger
had assigned the review to someone else, I was going to have to read it.
What the author did to catch my attention was plunge me into the middle of the
action - a wilderness climbing expedition of some sort. The narrator is a male
with a female companion, who was naked when he first saw her just recently. A
twist like that would have made "Daisy Miller" a lot more interesting. The fact
that the author seemed to know something about rock climbing and that he could
apparently tell a good story made me think he was going to share an experience
with me that would broaden my horizons in the context of sexual titillation.
What more could a girl want?
The author follows a pattern of alternating between short passages describing
the first meetings with the mysterious woman and equally short excerpts
describing their climbing adventures. Since the woman was naked during all their
initial meetings, I couldn't help wondering whether she was also naked while she
climbed the rocks. That's the closest this story comes to having a weakness. I
don't think the author wanted me to worry about that detail. Other than that,
the two parts of the story come together nicely, as do the protagonists, if
you'll pardon the pun.
I liked this story very much. When I was younger, I had friends who were
footloose and fancy free. They claimed to do things like screwing a stranger in
the middle of the wilderness. I never really believed them, but I enjoyed the
stories. Sex in the great outdoors is still one of my favorite things - as long
as we can keep the bugs away. So I liked this story a lot.
{As I prepared to post this issue, one of my "assistants" pointed out that I
have already reviewed this story. In fact, I made it #1 for February 1998. Well,
I may be forgetful, but at least I'm consistent.}
Ratings for "Climbing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"How I Do What I Do" by BlueWords (bluewords@yahoo.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=424164796
I think BlueWords appeared on a.s.s. while I was on hiatus. Initially I
downloaded only one of his stories, and it appeared to be illiterate. Therefore,
I skipped it and ignored everything else by this author. This was almost
certainly a mistake. I think he was playing dumb in that first story, and the
guy is some sort of genius. Therefore, I recommend his work strongly.
You may have noticed a difference in my style in this review. That's because I
have just heard that the ETS {Exotic Transvestite Service - the people who make
the SAT and GRE} has developed a method for scoring essays by computer. It turns
out that one can get a higher score by spelling words correctly, showing
cause-and-effect subordination, and not using naughty words. Therefore, I used
therefore twice in the first paragraph, used really easy words that even Word's
spellcheck could spellcheck {even though it can't spell spellcheck}, and deleted
all the expletives. Therefore, I'll be classified as a goddam genius by the
pimply geeks at ETS if they limit themselves to the first paragraph of this
review.
In this essay {not THIS essay - the one I'm reviewing} the author talks about
M1ke Hunt and his effect on his own sex life and writing style. That last
sentence could lose me my genius status at ETS.
I really miss M1ke Hunt. His stories were full of it - "it" being hilarious
humor oriented toward the warped minds of 16-year-old boys. There are two
hyphens in "16-year-old boys." I thought everyone knew that. I think in a
previous life I used to channel for a 16-year-old boy who went blind because he
masturbated too much.
Anyway, as the senator from Texas said to the spelling champ from Indiana, I
know M1ke Hunt, and this author is certainly not M1ke Hunt. I suspect he's never
even been really intimate with M1ke Hunt. Read aloud, those last two sentences
are the sort of thing that used to turn M1ke Hunt on. In fact, I think those
very words appeared in "O'Stikkit Inn," which I think was a pun of some sort.
This story really sucks - in the kindest, gentlest 16-year-old-boy sense of the
word. In fact, it sucks blonde cheerleaders' horny tits.
My own favorite among M1ke Hunt's stories is "Fucking Celeste." The story itself
sucked, in a less than spectacular sense; but I really enjoyed writing my review
of that story. I'll repost it later in this issue. Sometimes when I reread it,
as I do whenever I'm listening to my principal drone on and on at a faculty
meeting {because it annoys him to no end to see me smiling enigmatically like
the Mona Lisa when he knows there's nothing to smile about in his pathetic
announcements}, I suspect that I was channeling for that 16-year-old manchild
when I wrote my review, perhaps during his previous life, when he was only a
14-year-old lad.
Anyway, if you don't like this review {the one you're reading now, not the other
one}, you won't like this "story" either. Otherwise, I suggest you give it a
shot!
P.S. If anyone sees M1ke Hunt, please tell him to come again to our newsgroup.
We miss him in the worst way!
Ratings for "How I Do What I Do"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Encore!" by Sundance (suntales@hotmail.com)
DejaNews http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=441610675
Also at http://extra.newsguy.com/~suntales/encore.htm
Sundance has a site at http://extra.newsguy.com/~suntales
Josh and Ashley are young lovers. They are each other's first sex partners. They
drift apart; he becomes famous as a rock singer; she gets married. Then he comes
home one Christmas, and they renew their acquaintance. Their lovemaking is an
encore of their former passion.
This is a romantic story with a good plot. While the sex isn't the main part of
the plot, it's good stuff and blends in nicely with the plot. The only
shortcoming is that there's nothing really original about the story - no angle
that made me say, "Wow! I wish I had done that!" Or "I never thought of it that
way!"
But it was a very good story.
Ratings for "Encore!"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Stroke Story" by MichaelD (MichaelD38@aol.com).
DejaNews
Part 1 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=438651342
Part 2 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=438651346
Part 3 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=438651350
At bitbard http://www.bitbard.pair.com/library/michaeld/stroke.html
The narrator has recently been proclaimed by People Magazine to be "The Sexiest
Man on Earth." This story is a Day in His Life. On the day in question he fucks
six different chicks, some of them more than once, and some of them while
they're fucking another woman. Ain't life grand?
Reading this story is almost like watching one of those porn flicks with a
complex plot about bodacious bisexual blondes banging the beautiful bodies of
their bosom buddies in heat. Except that the words and moans are more in sync
with the lips and actions of the protagonists. Who could ask for anything more
in a stroke story?
A story has got to know its limitations.
Ratings for "Stroke Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Thicker than Water" by Phil (phil@xanadu2000.freeserve.co.uk)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=422435953
at his site http://www.xanadu2000.freeserve.co.uk/sister.htm
Phil has a site at http://www.xanadu2000.freeserve.co.uk
Pete's sister, Tanya, comes to visit. She's stressed out over her divorce. The
narrator, Pete's girlfriend, takes pity on Tanya, shows her how to use some
sextoys, and then fucks her brains out. Pete comes home unexpectedly, realizes
that he has loved his sister all his life, and fucks her brains out. The
girlfriend rides off into the sunset.
Cum is thicker than water, I guess.
This was pretty hot stuff!
Ratings for "Thicker than Water "
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Epiphany" by Sidney Durham (sidney_durham@mydeja-news.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=439301166
A beautiful woman seated on a bench picks up the narrator and takes him to a
bar. Actually, she is "using" him as a ruse to get away from a dangerous
stranger who had sat down next to her on the bench. In Dean Koontz novels the
savior would rape and torture the damsel whom he had rescued from less dismal
distress, but in this case things work out so well that I suspect we'll see this
trick advertised on TV as the stratagem du jour, right next to driving to a
well-lit place and honking the ole horn.
He's a lot older than she is, and he's had an epiphany. No, not the three kings
sort of king - a vital insight into the meaning of life, as in, "You can't
rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but you can be happy if you want to." Only his
epiphany came during a rendition of the 1812 Overture, rather than a Roger
Miller oldie.
Now he's rebuilding his life, and she decides to do her little bit to help out.
"And a child shall lead himÉ." Her approach to sex could best be described as
eager, and David is able to match her enthusiasm, if not her athleticism. Youth
is such a wonderful thing; it's a shame to waste it on the young.
He is fifty, she is thirty. "Is that a bottle of vitamins in your pocket, or are
you just glad to see me?" This is not a midlife crisis; it's a catharsis, a
purification. To paraphrase Milton's worst line and another poet's best: He has
viewed the dismal situation and has found a lovely apparition sent to be a
moment's ornament. And a confidante. And a lover. A very sexy lover.
The thing about epiphanies is that you're never really sure when you've seen the
last of them.
This is an excellent story with a surprising twist at the end. I strongly
recommend it.
Ratings for "Epiphany"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"E-Mail Love" by Jeff Klein (jeff_klein@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447421892.1
This author has taken several loosely related second person (you and I) stories
and grouped them together into an e-mail theme. The problem with second-person
sex stories is that they often tend to be written for one special person, and if
the reader does not resemble that person or want to eavesdrop on that couple,
that reader is up a creek without a paddle.
To put it another way, when cyberlovers do their cyberthing, there's often
something else happening that those two know about that makes their writing
interesting to each other. It just doesn't always work very well to switch to a
more general audience of people who don't know about this inside story.
In the present case, we have some sexually explicit exchanges in the e-mail, but
these aren't integrated into a plot or emotional setting that managed to hold my
interest very well.
Two authors who have done a much better job at the "you and I" narrative are
Plainman and Deidre Ng. If I recall correctly, Plainman's "Princess's Court"
consisted entirely of conversations between/among lovers. It was an excellent
story because it conveyed an interesting plot and very sexy interactions among
the characters. I could easily and avidly imagine everything the author wanted
me to imagine.
An exchange of e-mail messages IS a reasonable format for a story. The point is,
you can't just talk about "the great time my wife and I have had together, as
exemplified by these sexy e-mail messages" and expect to have a good short story
that will interest an audience beyond you and your wife or someone who knows
your history together. You have to devote the same attention to plot and
character development and to sexual tension as would be necessary if you used a
more traditional narrative format.
I hope this advice helps this author, as well as others who are interested in
sharing their stories with us.
Ratings for "E-Mail Love"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Penelope" by Nick (Copyright Nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447050586
This isn't really a sex story. Rather, it's a story about a nice, strong,
artistic lady who has died and is being remembered by one of her former
admirers. It could appear in magazines that are stacked up on library racks
where innocent children would ignore them.
It's a good story. But don't plan on using it for stroke material.
Ratings for "Penelope"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"My Reward" by Azil (azil@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447048321
Good mind control stories must be hard to write. That's probably why there are
so few that are any good.
On the surface, mind control sounds like a really great idea. Wouldn't it be
great if we could by the mere force of our thoughts be able to coerce someone
else to satisfy us in any way we wished? Well, no. It initially sounds like a
nice idea, but if we pursue it just a little, it's not really all that great. A
great deal of the pleasure of real sex has to do with the thrill of the chase
and sometimes the voluntary merging of personalities in romantic love.
Masturbation is fun, but social sex is even better.
Mind control sex quickly becomes insipid sex. Good storywriters realize this.
And so they take the initially attractive idea of mind control and examine it in
a more complex framework and try to give their stories an interesting twist, so
that mind control becomes something more than a variety of masturbation - or at
least very high-grade masturbation.
I don't know whether the present author goes beyond adolescent fantasies in the
"My Reward" series. This is chapter 22, and I'm not about to read the other 21
chapters to find out. This chapter DID show potential.
The basic idea is apparently that the narrator has in his possession something
called Reward, which enables him to engage in his sexual fantasies with
absolutely anybody his heart desires. In the past he has gone hog wild, having
full-scale affairs, banging the boxes of several lewd and lascivious, lithe and
luscious ladies, plus the occasional rendezvous with whoever attracted his
attention. In addition, his mind control has enabled him to be a Chinese emperor
and a Roman nobleman and - well, you get the picture.
The climax <g> of the present episode comes <g> when the narrator uses his power
to rape an obnoxious soccer mom under the bleachers. However, although this
episode itself seems a bit lame, there are hits that the overall story may be
better. If someone who reads the whole series of chapters wants to send me a
review when the whole thing is finished, I'll be glad to consider posting it.
Incidentally, I consider the five best mind control stories that I have ever
reviewed to be Michael K. Smith's "Trances," Backrub's "Wet Dreams," MC
Woodsmoke's "All We Like Sheep," Bill Green's "Reward," and Delta's "One of
Those Days." Deirdre gives a spooky twist to mind control in almost all her
stories. (Perhaps "Experiment" is her best example of mind control.) I haven't
read all of "The Stepford Wives" by Rhett Dreams (because it's very long), but
people who have read it give it rave reviews. Finally, Uther Pendragon's "Vials"
is also an interesting twist on mind control.
Ratings for "My Reward"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Casey at the Bat" by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247202
This story does a masterful job of doing what it is supposed to do: give us the
background information to enable us to understand what happened on that fateful
day when Casey struck out to end the big game in Mudville. I don't want to ruin
the story for you; but since this is alt.sex.stories, you may surmise that
Casey's short but emphatic slump is in some way associated with sexual fantasies
about the blonde sans panties who is seated next to the visitors' dugout.
Ratings for "Casey at the Bat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Birthday Story" by James Bellamy (jbellamy@renman.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448249324
For her birthday, Allie is whisked off from her home in Milwaukee to a romantic
tryst in Toronto with her lover. The fact that some of my favorite sexual
memories are about Toronto may bias me, but I thought this was a nice,
feel-good, romantic story for a winter's evening.
Ratings for "A Birthday Story"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Deciding" by Malinov (malinov@mindless.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247198
Ya know what would really disappoint me? I'd hate to discover that Malinov is
some sort of reclusive misanthrope who really enjoys his work for the I.R.S. or
something. I've never met Malinov - in spite of being written into a few of his
orgies; and I probably never will. But if there's anyone on this newsgroup who
is a professional writer moonlighting with us smut lovers, it has to be Malinov.
This guy once tried to write a good story every day for a month, and he
succeeded! When I approach one of his stories, I am vaguely aware that I might
be disappointed because it might be short on the type of sex I'm in the mood
for; but I know darned well that I am going to have ten minutes with a good
story. I can even write this part of the review first, with no fear of having to
delete or modify it after I read the story!
Yep. It was another good one. Trouble is, I can't tell you much about it, except
to say that it takes place in a movie theatre and it's not very good stroke
material. Just a slice of life and an insight into a woman's mind.
Ratings for "Deciding"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"From the Corner of 1st & Rowan East Los Angeles to Sunflower Alley" by R.A.
Mendoza (RAM@Sunflower.Alley)
http://home.inreach.com/rianial/
These stories are part of a diary-like presentation of the sexual exploits of a
young soldier from Los Angeles who was stationed in Japan around 1955. All that
we have on a.s.s. are some "advertisements," which consist of short segments
from the stories, designed to make passers-by want to go to the author's home
page and take a look at the whole series.
I'm never really sure how far afield I should go when I look for stories to
review. I suppose if I can't even keep up with the stories that are posted on
a.s.s. and a.s.s.m. I shouldn't waste my time trapsing all over the place
looking for even more stories. But this excursion wasn't a waste of time. One of
Mendoza's lead-ins caught my attention, and his home page roped me in. This is
good stuff. It doesn't run as a continuous story, but the deliberately
disjointed presentation is highly effective.
I guess there are good reasons to restrict myself to the newsgroup. When I
wander off, I usually stumble into places where somebody wants to take my money
in exchange for unlimited access to a few pictures of "teen porn queens cum
socked pusses," and I am reluctant to promote any commercial enterprises, even
though teen porn queens do probably have to earn a living. However, this site
looked legitimate: no advertisements at all - just the work of a guy who has
some interesting stories to share. The posting is currently incomplete, but
that's not a problem; the diary format makes what's there flow naturally.
I encourage you to take a look: http://home.inreach.com/rianial/
Ratings for "Sunflower Alley"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
"Shower Buddies" by Stone Wolf (an582016@anon.penet.fi).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13539.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13670.txt
I normally don't like to review multi-chapter stories until all the parts have
been posted. Sometimes the authors don't even bother to finish the stories, and
then my readers will feel cheated. In addition, a story that begins well may end
badly, or vice versa. I decided to make an exception with this story. Even
though only two chapters have been posted and even though the author says that
no actual sexual contact will occur until "at least chapter 3," I think you'll
want to know about this one.
The basic premise of this story is that there has been a fire in the women's
dorm and the displaced coeds have with little forewarning been relocated into
one of the men's dorm. Our protagonist first notices this when he is in a naked,
semi-comatose, early-morning stupor in the shower, asking to borrow shampoo from
the person in the adjacent stall. His body language sort of embarrasses him as
he tries to be polite and recover from his faux pas when he discovers that the
guy he is talking to is an attractive girl.
This story reminds me of an X-rated script for a high quality sitcom. For
example, I can imagine this being a plot for "Friends" or "The Single Guy." The
story is extremely well written; the characters are refreshingly wholesome; and
the story is redolent of realistic details of college life - like showers that
make funny noises and guys that don't use fabric softener for their towels. I am
eagerly looking forward to more of this story.
{Note at time of reposting: I still haven't seen the rest of this story. If
anyone has seen it, I'd like to know about it. It would also be nice if the
author would repost the whole story.}
Ratings for "Shower Buddies"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Shower Surprise" by MD James (na617268@anon.penet.fi).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=195926973
The guy is taking a shower in the college dorm, when another guy drops his
girlfriend off and says he has to hide her there for a while. The girl peeks
into the guy's shower. Later she arrives at his room (right next door) and says
that she feels guilty: since she saw him naked, it's only fair that he also see
her naked. But then they realize that since she had only had a peek and he had a
full view, it really wouldn't be fair until she had a full view too. {These are
obviously ethics students.} Then, since it would be a shame to waste two full
views....
Ratings for "Shower Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Early Morning Love" by Summer's Rose (sumersrose@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309834277
This is a story about good, clean sex - that is, sex in the shower. The woman is
having warm thoughts in a warm shower, when her lover joins her for some early
morning delight. This is a very short but sexy story, reminiscent of the work of
Dulcinea. I usually don't like the second person (you) narrative format, because
I feel that it will distract at least some of the readers of a story. However,
in the present case this frame of reference did not distract ME, largely because
some of my own favorite experiences have occurred under very similar
circumstances.
Speaking of favorite experiences, don't you find it odd that there have been so
few stories on this newsgroup that mention ingesting chocolate chips from
private parts of the anatomy during lovemaking?
Ratings for "Early Morning Love"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=168930451
Two female teachers at Walt Whitman High School go for a run. They need a shower
afterwards, but a gym class is using the girls' showers. The coaches' shower is
also in use. Since no boys' gym class is scheduled, they decide to sneak into
the boys' locker room for a quick shower; but they startle a straggler who is
still taking his shower. Some horseplay follows, and then they get into some hot
threeway sex. I remember seeing a few episodes of "Room 222," but I don't have a
clear recollection of it. I can't really evaluate this as a parody, but I found
it to be a pretty good story in its own right.
Ratings for "Room 222"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"The Insatiable Flirt" by Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=260328521
It is certainly possible to write a better story than this. It lacks character
and plot development. But it really does a good job at what it's supposed to do:
describe the actions and atmosphere surrounding a first-time quickie between two
female friends in the shower.
I am not going to describe the intimate details: you can discover all of those
in ten minutes by reading the story yourself. As I have said many times in the
past, I am a monogamous heterosexual woman, but I still find a story like this
to be extremely stimulating. Any sensible woman would. So will most sensible
men.
Ratings for "The Insatiable Flirt"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Soft Ball or My Best Position" by Taria (Taria29c@aol.com).
Guest review by Cellist.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323463004 **
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323573731 **
Neither Fiddler nor Piper were available for this review, so Celeste turned it
over to me, Cellist. The story is about a sexy young lady who plays second-base
on a coed softball team. I have played second bass in the past, but now I play
cello.
The story takes place in the romantic environment of a sweaty softball game. One
day a sorta cute guy shows up as a substitute, but he wants to play second base,
which position is already taken by the narrator, as I have said. His name is
Mike Hunter, but with some modification of the name he hopes some day to become
a short story writer of sorts. I guess I should stop beating around the bush and
come out and say it: this is a parody of a Mike Hunt sex story. As a result of
some incredible coincidences Mike and the young female baseball enthusiast have
to shower together; and as fate would have it, they fuck their mutual brains
out.
Fuck! Now there's an interesting word. It's a word redolent of baseball imagery.
That's why Taria chose this scenario for her story. In a story about softball
this word and its immediate derivatives can express any of the following:
Greetings How the fuck are you?
Immensity Look at the size of that mother on first base. {fucker understood}
Insignificance That little fucker can't hit for shit.
Dismay Safe? The fuck he was!
Trouble Well, I guess we're fucked now.
Aggression Fuck you! {brings automatic ejection and a fine}.
Safety Don't fuck with the big mother on first base.
Disgust Fucking Celeste! This review is stupid!
Confusion Where the fuck is the ball?
Synonym for "very" This story is fucking good.
Difficulty I don't understand this fucking game.
Despair "Fucked Again by Celeste" by Mike Hunt.
Argumentation You goddam motherfucking son-of-a-bitch cocksucker! {And I
don't like you either!}
Fraud I got fucked by the umpire on the third strike.
Incompetence The umpire fucked up again.
Distraction He was fucking with a fan behind the dugout.
Displeasure What the fuck is going on here?
Disbelief That was an unbefuckinglieveable call!
Disbelief, dismay, confusion, etc. Fuck! What's my wife doing in this bar?
Inevitable defeat We're fucked! {because the other team is fucking good!}
Retaliation Up your fucking ass! {automatic ejection and fine}.
Paradoxical impossibility The umpire can go fuck himself! {But how?}
Telling time The game didn't start till 8-fucking-o'clock.
Physics I can't hit the fucking curve ball.
Maternal instinct-- Goddam motherfucker! {automatic ejection and fine}.
Sexuality Holy fuck! Where did you learn to do that?
Taria's best use of the F-word is her double-entendre reference to Mr. Hunter as
a "pretty sneaky fuck." On the downside, her most serious faux pas was saying
that Mike gave her cunt the two-finger Boy Scout salute: the Boy Scout use three
fingers - ask a girl scout (obviously, because their salute is with three
fingers also.) Taria doesn't write quite like Mike Hunt, but who does? This is
both an excellent parody and a superb story in its own right.
Ratings for "Soft Ball"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"April Showers" by Hawkeye. Guest review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872663
First, the housekeeping: "April Showers" by Hawkeye was reposted by
john_dark@anon.nymserver.com and is said to be part 4 of "Seasons" (c) 1993. The
four- or five-year-old copyright may explain why I was unable to find the bigger
story. If "April Showers" is an accurate reflection of a larger work, it'd be
worth finding. {Celestial note: I am reposting my review of "Hazy Shade of
Winter." That gives us two of the four seasons. If anybody has Summer and
Autumn, I'd sure like to see them reposted.}
{Further Celestial note: All SEVEN stories have now been located.
Here are the links to all of them:
1. Hazy Shade of Winter
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872644
2. Summertime Blues
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872651
3. Season of the Witch
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872656
4. April Showers
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872663
5. The Cruelest Month
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872667
6. The Real World
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872671
7. A Time to Cast Away Stones
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=372872675
There is a link to all seven stories over at BitBard
http://www.bitbard.pair.com/library/hawkeye/ }
Most efforts at erotica employ a device that positions the players in a
situation that allows, even encourages, sexual intimacy. Many of these devices
are hackneyed and improbable. A few border on being overworked, but still come
through, as does these vignette in a college dorm bathroom.
The protagonist, Sam, meets Julie Brauer, the girlfriend of a dorm mate, as
they're both walking to the washroom. Apprehensive of being discovered, Sam
still positions himself in an attempt to steal a flash of skin as seen through a
large mirror. He reflects a moment on his behavior, recognizing he'd be
flustered were he to be confronted with her totally nude, but admits to his
voyeuristic compulsion.
At this point, the story takes an unexpected turn, a delightful one, a sexually
intense one. And after the culmination, we're left not knowing if this was a
one-time thing, never to happen again, or the start of a larger adventure. As
such, it's a sweet, erotic slice of life that left me wanting more.
Ratings for "April Showers"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Showertime Shag" by The Provert (theprovert@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340672147
This author is from the United Kingdom. We know this because the people in the
story shag and the woman wears knickers. In the Colonies, on the other hand,
baseball players shag fly balls and the members of a major basketball team are
Knickerbockers.
In this story a woman visits a man and his wife, and the wife helps the man shag
(or get shagged by) the friend in the shower, while the wife takes photographs.
There's no real plot or character development beyond what I have described here.
The story sounded like it would be a lot more fun than it actually was.
Ratings for "Showertime Shag"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Sweets Stories: Shower Part 1" (sweets1140@aol.com). Guest Review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12608.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367459539
"Shower Part 1" suffers on several counts, most notably that it's an immature
story, poorly written with poor grammar.
Three gardeners, Tom, Dick and Harry - a son, his father and his grandfather -
are offered repeated weekly views of a woman masturbating in her shower. In
turn, this provides the stimulation for them to do the same. That's it.
At times the story has the appearance as one written by someone who has English
as a second language. Still, the flavor of it would be enhanced simply by
cleaning up the grammar and punctuation marks for starters.
The inherent limitation of voyeurism serves to keep people at a distance from
each other, physically as well as emotionally. That distance is operative in
this story to a fault.
Ratings for "Sweets Stories: Shower Part 1"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 6
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 5
"The Shower Tales: Maureen" by Steve R. Guest reviewed by Poison Ivan
(poisoniv1@hotmail.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14688.txt
---
http://x10.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384051142
"The Shower Tales" is apparently a collection of stories that chronicle the real
life sexual adventures of the author. In this chapter, the narrator heads to
Carbondale to find a young college girl. Maureen is the one he hooks up with.
Maureen gets off on making guys come. There's a quick fuck on the couch. Later,
they end up in Maureen's room, which she shares with three other college girls.
They fuck a couple times in Maureen's bed while Maureen's roommate
surreptitiously watches and masturbates.
This story definitely feels like a small chapter plucked out of a larger whole,
and I'm afraid it doesn't stand very well on its own. The characters aren't very
real. I didn't get a good vision of either Steve or Maureen.
Commas are badly abused in this story, too.
I usually enjoy stories with a little voyeurism or exhibitionism in them, so I
kind of liked the bedroom sex scenes. I can see this story working as stroke
material.
Ratings for "The Shower Tales: Maureen"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 6
Ivan (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Shy Young Wife" by Mick (benedicta@anon.nymserver.com). Guest review by Jordan
Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com).
You know the story of the hook, right? (This is relevant, I promise.) This guy
and this girl go parking and while they're making out they hear that this killer
has escaped from a lunatic asylum. They call him the hook, see, because instead
of a hand he's got this razor-sharp hook... You can fill in the rest (if you
can't, mail me at jordan@u36.com). There's no characterization in that story,
it's pure narrative. The story of the hook has only purpose: to scare the crap
out of little kids around the campfire.
You'd think stories on ASS have a similar sense of purpose: to turn you on. Some
do; some don't. Some seduce you with plot and characterization and symbolism and
stylistic bumpf. Some steamroller forward and hope you like what they've got.
This is one of the latter kind.
It turned me on. That surprised me; I'm not a big fan of cheating wife stories.
But this story pressed my buttons, despite all the rough edges.
And there are rough edges. The Shy Wife gets off to a slow start -- I think part
1 could be cut by a third without losing anything significant. The author uses
the Victorian convention of giving us initials and underscores ("D______")
instead of names (except for the woman, who is just P), and I was left asking,
"Why?" He tells us a lot about P, but doesn't dramatize it; the sentence
structures are occasionally baroque, and I think the paragraphs are generally
too long; and at one point the narrator is "stairing" at the chandelier. The
pity is there's nothing that can't be fixed.
I still think it's a hot story, even if I don't think it's a great story.
There's a really strong narrative here, and I want to see more from him. After
all, his stuff works for me.
Ratings for "Shy Young Wife"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Jordan (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (mrm1ke@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=262932540
Like this author's stories themselves, my reviews of them should be read out
loud, or at least very loudly in silence, in order to get full impact from them.
With that in mind, I ask you, which would be a more clever title "Fucking
Celeste by Mike Hunt" or "Fucking Mike Hunt by Celeste"?
The title is deliberately ambiguous. My Unabridged Random House dictionary gives
the accurate definition of the first word of the title, which would properly be
paraphrased as the mumbled phrase "Confounded Celeste!" This title takes on a
second meaning when Mike visits his nephew's teacher and is forced into a
compromising position that cannot be resolved without full vaginal penetration
of a person alleged to be Yours Truly. As if that pun is not enough, the author
adduces a theory that the Blowjob Principle is a misspelling for an activity
that Celeste performs for the person who administers her school.
This is a very good story, but the disclaimer is not as creative as some that I
have seen. In addition, I should point out that Mike has been spearheading <g>
an attempt to improve my system of guest reviewers. {This may sound like matter
for a "note," but stay with me on this one.} Mike's fundamental assertion is
that he feels the authors should use their regular pseudonyms when writing their
guest reviews, because this will enable both readers and the persons whose
stories are being reviewed to make better use of any criticism contained in the
reviews. Mike's point is well taken, and I have adopted a policy of allowing
authors to stick with their regular names if they insist, even though I continue
to advise an "alternate pseudonym."
My reason for advising this practice is that I seriously believe that using the
same name would _for many authors_ cause undesirable pressures that would weaken
either their reviews or their stories.
Indeed, I'm not sure how much can be gained by knowing that So-and-So is the
author of both a specific story and a specific review. As someone else has
pointed out to me, it is by no means true that the best authors are likely to be
the best reviewers. Authors tend to be specialists who are intensely involved in
an area of expertise, whereas reviewing requires a more generalized interest or
expertise and an ability to look at a story more objectively. {As I said, stay
with me.... There's a punchline coming up.} I'll grant that some people can be
both good reviewers and good authors, but I wouldn't count on it; and I think
that for many of us the absence of anonymity would reduce our objectivity. I
think it makes more sense to look at, say, Piper's reviews for several weeks and
to form an opinion about his/her insight than to start from the assumption that
because Piper writes good stories his/her reviews must be good.
Let me use myself as an example. I think I write good reviews, and I think I am
CAPABLE of writing good stories. I have posted only one story ("Virtuous
Reality"), and I really felt uncomfortable doing so. I had such thoughts as
these: How can I expect people to continue listening to my advice when I am
probably going to screw this story up? Won't people be extremely harsh in
evaluating my story, since I have been critical of so many stories myself? Won't
people have less respect for my reviews if my story really sucks? Etc. I guess I
could "just get over it," but these were real concerns to me, and I think
numerous other potential reviewers would have similar reactions. This is why I
recommend the alternate pseudonym.
Of course, it should be obvious to you that I could solve this problem simply by
posting my stories under a different name. Indeed, perhaps I have already done
so! One correspondent has suggested that the anonymity of AOL would make it
possible for Danielle Steele to act out her fantasies by pretending to be an
English teacher who writes reviews for this newsgroup. How can anyone really
prove this is not the case? Well, actually Danielle does not write or think very
much like me. Who does? There's only one person that I can think of.
The only reasonable answer is that I am really Mike Hunt. {In case you missed
it, the previous sentence was the punchline.}
Think about it. On a.s.s.d. I was recently accused of having a sophomoric sense
of humor. What more need I say? I have just reviewed a story by Mike Hunt
entitled "Fucking Celeste" in which Mike Hunt is pressed up against a sexy
teacher in a closet at the Sadley Virgin School. Hmmm.... Maybe I have
overstated the case a little. As I said earlier in this review, I can write
better puns than those. But if I were Mike Hunt or were Mike Hunt I, then this
story could be entitled "Fucking Myself!" That's the sort of humor that both
Mike and I would be proud of.
Here's further evidence - I claim that both my husband and I are heterosexual
and monogamous, but I admit that my husband regularly fucks my cunt. {Get it?
Mike Hunt - my cunt! See the pattern yet?}
And besides, I can't be Plainman, because he writes much better than either Mike
or I.
Here are two of my favorite excerpts from the story:
"I lowered my fly and withdrew my cock. Sticking straight out, it made closing
the door impossible." {Ouch! He must have really wanted to keep that door open!}
"He {the nephew who has been boinking the girl in the supply closet} needs a
little help. His technique is very amateurish." {It would have been more fun to
say "His technique is ALSO very amateurish." You have to read this in context, I
guess; but the ALSO would be intended to mean that both the kid's technique and
his knowledge were amateurish or that both the kid's and Mike's techniques were
amateurish. In fact, this line PROVES that this story is a fraud. The real
Celeste would never miss an opportunity for an enigmatic provocation of Mike
Hunt.}
All goofy remarks aside, this is another very good story. I appreciate the
tribute and accept it in the spirit in which it was intended.
Fucking Mike Hunt! Indeed.
Ratings for "Fucking Celeste"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Michelle" by MichaelD Email: michaeld38@aol.com
Story Codes (mf, teen, inc, rom)
Review by: Sundance
Email: suntales@hotmail.com
MichaelD is a recognized and popular author on ASSM who has contributed a number
of well-received titles. Despite this popularity I was under the impression that
Michael was relatively new to the group. I've been lurking since June of 1998
and thought I remembered his name popping up rather suddenly with the posting of
'Sunset on Roses'. However, in the opening author's notes Michael mentions that
the story being reviewed here, 'Michelle', was actually his first posting to
USENET, originally contributed sometime in 1995.
While the story is fictional, it does open with the line "This is a true story,
more or less". It is also told from a convincing, retrospective angle, with the
first-person storyteller recounting some significant sexual experiences,
beginning with the loss of his virginity to a babysitting cousin and followed by
a recounting of how he later took the virginity of another younger relative.
I really enjoyed this story and I'm not normally a fan of incest themes. I think
one reason I enjoyed it is because it's written with minimal focus on lusting
over family members. Lust is present, but there is also significant emphasis on
deep, loving, emotional attachments that would be present in any romantic
encounter.
The author also spends considerable time describing surrounding details,
including a broader discussion of his family history and a significant buildup
to the 'main event' with the younger cousin. The result is a stable plot and an
opportunity for the reader to 'attach' themselves to the main characters.
Clearly one of the author's strengths is his ability to write with absolute
clarity and an elegant sense of simplicity. He chooses only the words necessary
to communicate the story he is telling, avoiding 'over the top' analogies and
rambling descriptions that I've spotted in certain other 'self-indulgent'
postings. Many aspiring ASSM authors could learn from Michael in this area.
Technical quality is also very good, with only a few misspellings present.
Similar to some of Michael's other efforts, this story does present a potential
squick factor in that it deals with sexual relations between a twenty-something
male and a sixteen-year-old cousin. However, he treats the story with a sense of
style and finesse that one might not expect in such a theme. That, combined with
his above-average storytelling ability, makes for a very enjoyable read; even
when the subject matter isn't the reader's first choice. Stated differently, I
would normally pass over a story coded to include incest. In this case I'm glad
I didn't.
My ratings:
~>Pandora (Story Codes/genre): mf, teen, inc, rom
~>Athena (technical quality): 10 (Only a couple of glitches.)
~>Venus (plot and character): 10 (Plot was basic, but stable and
effective. Solid characters, dialogue, and surrounding detail.)
~>Sundance (appeal to reviewer): 9 (I'm not a fan of incest stories.)
"Bringing Home the Boss" by Lambchop (pcd10@my-dejanews.com) Reviewed by Homer
Vargas (The_story_writer@yahoo.com)
Leslie's husband John has lost interest in her, preferring football on Cable TV
to sex, although she is still quite a bomb (says Leslie). She goes out for a
drink with her boss, Sharon, for whom she discovers some sexual attraction, and
reveals her problem. Sharon has just the solution. The two women will go to
Leslie's house and come on to John, relying on the Coolidge Effect to rekindle
the flame. (Don't know what the Coolidge Effect is? See below.)
This idea works fine according to Lambchop. John eats Sharon to orgasm while
Leslie sucks Sharon's tits and then blows John. subsequently Sharon eats Leslie
to orgasm by which time ex-football fan John is ready at last to fuck his wife.
Everyone lives happily ever after except the cable company which looses a
customer.
Leslie is believable, Sharon is a fantasy, and John is a caricature. A few NYC
details simulate realism, but the story just does not work for me. Any man that
had really lost interest in a woman like Leslie would need more intense therapy
than a little threesome fun one night.
Athena 10 (No distractions AND two spaces between sentences)
Venus 7 (No logical flaws in the plot, but implausible as a realistic story
and weak characters.)
Homer 6
Still want to know what the Coolidge Effect is? OK, I'll tell you the story and
you figure it out.
President Calvin Coolidge (know for being laconic) was married to a
woman who, according to George Will, was a "real stunner." It seems that one day
President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a chicken farm and were being shown
around separately. Mrs. Coolidge noticed a cock servicing a hen and asked, "Tell
me, does the cock do that more than once a day?"
"Certainly Madam, very many times,"
"Interesting," said the First Lady. Tell that to Mr. Coolidge."
In due course, the President was informed of what his wife had said. The
President thought a moment and asked, "Tell me, does the cock do that 'very many
times' a day with the same hen?"
"Oh, no Sir, with a different hen each time."
"Interesting," said the President. "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
--------------------
Cat House (F/F, hyrax)
By Rosemerry perigryn@earthlink.net
Reviewed by Homer Vargas (The_story_writer@yahoo.com)
Let's see. Quite a good story told in an authentic, engaging,
first-person voice. Kim has come to Denver to visit her occasional lover, Rose,
who takes her to (and at) the zoo. There is a believable, erotic tension that
develops as the two lovers tease each other while touring the beautifully
described zoo Obviously it is great fun to seduce someone who wants to be
seduced, but will one woman go too far and get the pair discovered? The
climactic sex scene in the guess where is well done and heightened by making
voyeurs of the great cats.
I had never thought of it before, but zoo smells - not many writers can
evoke smells - ARE sexy. (Hey, Rose, next time, invite me.)
Read this story for a smile and with someone you love of either gender.
And you will even learn something about the hyrax.
Athena 9 (sorry, TWO spaces between sentences)
Venus 10 (I would love to meet either character and not
just for sex.)
Homer 10
--------------------
"Janey's October by Janey (janey98@hotmail.com)
Website: http://members.tripod.com/~janey98
Reviewed by Homer Vargas (the_story_writer@yahoo.com)
Well, the secret is out. They lure us into marriage by telling us we are
the handsomest man they've ever known, that we're funny, clever, caring, that
they want us to be the father of their children. But Janey reveals the TRUTH.
They really just want us to take out the garbage.
When Janey's husband begins to slack off on this minimum minimorum, she
takes steps! With her handy color printer she makes up "chore coupons" that
hubby can earn by making himself useful for something besides absorbing cathode
tube rays and that he will need. . .
"'What for?' he asked."
"'Sex,' I said, standing there with my arms folded."
"He looked at me as if I were some sort of peculiar animal that had
invaded his living room."
"'Sex? What sex?'"
"'The sex you're not gonna get if you don't have a fist full of
coupons.'"
Now I hate to have to say this, Janey, but there is a word for girls who
do this and it's not a nice one.
But before I continue to the glorious finale of this review, I must
pause to take on over the story's language. The voice is perfect for a smart,
modern woman and at least this one male loved the dress selection
notwithstanding Janey's opinion that:
"(Males can skip this paragraph--they aren't interested in what I have to wear,
only what I take off.)"
Back to plot summary. Well, ethics aside, Janey's ploy works better than
she could have imagined -- for getting the housework done. When the kids see
Daddy working for coupons, they want to get into the act. But since this is not
THAT kind of story, all THEY get is video games. On the other hand, things are
not working quite so well for Janey. For although hubby is earning lots of
coupons, he isn't spending many and that has Janey understandably antsy.
How does this delightful domestic dilemma get resolved? Read the story
and find out, preferably with lover within easy reach.
Athena 9 (sorry, TWO spaces between sentences)
Venus 10 (Hubby is lightly but believably drawn.
Janey is so real you can hear the tinkle in her voice.)
Homer 10
=====================
Celestial Grammar:
=====================
<<Oxymorons>>
An oxymoron is the combination of two seemingly contradictory or incongruous
words.
The statements that are often called oxymorons by comedians are not really
oxymorons. They are really jokes. The people who call them oxymorons are making
a humorous assertion about the apparent irony of putting the two words together.
Examples of this type of "oxymoron" include:
Military intelligence
Intelligent blonde
Sexy Brit
The point is that the speaker or author wants to insinuate that there is no such
thing as a smart military person, a bright blonde, or a sexy person from
England. In each of the above cases, there is no actual oxymoron, but the
speaker or writer is attempting to achieve a humorous effect by calling the
phrase an oxymoron. For example, "Microsoft WorksÉ Now THERE'S an oxymoron!"
Some purported oxymorons are very weak attempts at humor. For example, I saw a
list recently that labeled "act naturally" as an oxymoron. The implication is
that one cannot "act" and be "natural" at the same time. That's true only if we
use the word "act" in a very restricted sense. The same list classified "legally
drunk" as an oxymoron. I guess it's supposed to be an oxymoron because it's not
legal to be drunk. But "legally drunk" has a perfectly correct meaning of "drunk
according to the law," which is a sensible statement with no inherent
contradiction. If we get this picky, we lose the joke value of humorous
oxymorons.
A TRUE oxymoron states an apparent contradiction in order to emphasize a valid
point, and the speaker doesn't have to tell the listener that it's an oxymoron.
For example, Shakespeare has said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." "Sweet
sorrow" is a genuine oxymoron. Parting with a friend or lover is sad; but when
we recall those partings, they can often be among our favorite memories. By
saying something apparently contradictory, the author makes us think about the
statement, and the truth of the assertion becomes even more emphatic.
Other examples of true oxymorons include:
Make haste slowly.
Deafening silence
Gloomy optimist
Blind visionary
The painful joy of sexual intimacy
That's a definite maybe.
I don't want to come across as a humorless English teacher. {Incidentally, some
would consider the last three words of the preceding sentence to be a
redundancy, which is almost the opposite of an oxymoron.} My only point is that
the oxymoron is a powerful figure of speech, and it would be a shame to fritter
it away on mere frivolity.
<end>
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