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XXXXPress Original Articles and Stories at
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This Wide Wide Weird World of Sex
by
John Enwright
Many say there is nothing unusual under the sun. Maybe so,
but then perhaps they have not done much research in the world of
sex. Let's take a look at some of the more stranger things in
this weird world.
THE ANCIENT WORLD
The ancient world had it's share of strange things in sexu-
ality. Bet you didn't know that the ancient Egyptians sodomized
their slain enemies not because they wanted sex but because they
didn't want to be pursued by "ghosts." The Greeks only did that
one for fun. Whereas in ancient China, sodomy was called "sharing
the peach."
Or how about Cleopatra's nickname? She was known as the
"gaper" since she had oral sex with at least 100 Roman noblemen
in one night.
The ancients were not without their own unique ways to
prevent fertility. The first prescription for a contraceptive
tampon was written on papyrus in 1550 B.C. Egyptians preferred
crocodile dung while elephant droppings mixed with honey was
thought by Arabians to stopped unwanted pregnancies. Famed
lover, Casanova used lemon juice to insure no offspring. Other
methods include dried beaver testicles in a strong alcoholic
solution that was drunk by women of New Brunswick. Perhaps the
reason why these methods were successful was that who would get
near any person using these remedies?
"One who holds his
virile member when making water," according to Rabbinical tradi-
tion, is one of the four types of hateful men. They also state
that his wife must be close by so they can have sex after urinat-
ing. It is also not well known that King Herod of Biblical fame
slept by his dead wife for seven years.
THE MIDDLE AGES
The Islamic religion is not without other oddities. They
have a saying, "the pilgrimage to Mecca is not perfected saved by
copulation with the camel." One thing that Marco Polo brought
back from China besides spaghetti was the practice of rubbing his
prostrate during sex to produce "almond milk."
In 1349, hordes of gigantic women from Hungary invaded
Germany during the Black Death period and "tore off their clothes
and beat themselves with rods." Over three hundred years later, a
Londoner known as Whipping Tom, hid in dark alleys, then grabbed
a passing woman, tossed her skirts over her head and spanked the
victim until she cried for help.
SEX PROFESSIONALS
While the rest of world has had its indulgences, we expect
our sex researchers and therapists to be a little more normal.
The most famous, Sigmund Freud, had a phobia of railroads because
he shared a rail car with his mother and saw her naked. He also
found American women extremely erotic. One out of two ain't bad.
The sexologist, Havelock Ellis, drank his own and other's
urine. In 1959, Dr. William Masters gave his first scientific
paper at the Conference of the Vagina. It's nice to know that the
movers and shakers of sex were on such an even keel.
Those sex researchers have come up with a few things that
are at least startling. Women are less likely to be raped in
December. White collar workers masturbate the most. Disco music
makes mice homosexual. Kissing causes cavities. The Swahili word
for venereal disease is KISSINONO. Primitive cultures nearly all
find plump women more desirable. The record weight for a human
breast is 52 pounds. Men in their sixties have a wet dream every
two weeks on average. Marriages generally improve after the man
has a heart attack. No more wet dreams?
OTHERS
Famed critic John Rusk fell in love with a ten year old girl
because he was repulsed by his wife's pubic hair. Some think Sir
Isaac Newton suffered from insomnia because he never had sex.
Catherine the Great employed people to tickle her feet and spank
her bottom. It's also said she bled to death from having sex with
a horse.
The late King Ibn Saud of Arabia never looked upon the faces
of his 400 wives. Ronald Reagan said that sex was best "in the
afternoon, after coming out of the shower." Who do we believe?
TODAY
Sabrina Tracy, "high priestess of the Church of the Most
High Goddess" says she has slept with "2,758 (men) to be
precise."
After a paternity suit against a Catholic priest, the arch-
diocese said they "may not be held liable...because such conduct
is not within the scope of his duties." However, recently the
Supreme Court found that schools are liable for sex harassment.
Maybe that's part of the curriculum.
Babies conceived in Great Britain by artificial insemination
are considered illegitimate. Not surprisingly, there is a form of
billiards in Scandinavia where women sit on the floor naked and
men try to flick marbles into their wide open vaginas. Condom
users in one Columbian town have been condemned to hell by the
local priest. You think this priest plays pool?
Prostitution is illegal in Iran. However, Iranian men get
around this by "marrying for a few hours" and then get "divorced"
according to Islamic law. Prostitutes in Biella, north of Turin,
Italy, in response to "unfair competition" from Nigerians, re-
cently declared a day of "free and safe sex."
Probably the most sexist TV is in Japan. In recent days,
talk shows zoomed in on women's breasts, a female reporter demon-
strated an uplifting bra on TV and another female reporter inves-
tigated the increasing size of Japanese women's breasts. Not to
be outdone, one comic hero is Rape Man, who is dressed only from
the waist up. Wonder if Japanese penises have grown too!
Last year, one late night TV show in Britain, "The James
Whale Radio Show," had an unusual performance. This popular
program featured an impressionist who held a cigar between his
butt cheeks and clenched them in synch with a speech by Winston
Churchill.
In Germany, it is illegal to have sex with a child under
fourteen but not if they're of another nationality. Other nation-
alities are protected from twelve and under.
Zimbabwe's parliament had a recent report on the usage of
condoms. The parliamentary committee reported they were "grossly
taken aback to learn that the shortage of spare components had
resulted in condoms being used as substitutes for measuring
pressure at the Hwange power station."
Over one hundred callers protested an adult video director
allegedly hypnotized viewers after doing the same to nine women
on a Japanese television show. The women were asked to fantasize
their favorite sexual positions. One man said he heard a crash
and went to his daughter's room and found her unconscious with
her clothes in shreds.
Although blue movies are banned in Pakistan, one couple have
become famous for their video tape depicting them having sexual
intercourse. Innocently enough, they had the tape made for their
own pleasure but unfortunately their home was robbed and the
incriminating tape found its way into the black market.
In Tacoma, Washington a woman sought spiritual advice and
marital counseling from her Pentecostal pastor. Using the doc-
trine of `spiritual connection' or seeking God through a bond
with a member of the opposite sex, the preacher succeeded in
seducing her and having a long term affair.
After her 19 year marriage collapsed and she broke off the
affair, the pastor banished her from the church. She sued and won
a verdict of $200,000 which the jury reduced to $130,000 because
she was "35 percent at fault." An award of $20,000 to her ex-
husband was reduced too, the jury finding him "15 percent at
fault." The preacher has counter-sued both for "malicious-
prosecution."
After calling the Volunteer Center in Onondaga County, New
York, new mother Denise Perrigo was arrested. Her crime? Breast
feeding her baby girl! Seems she made the mistake of telling the
zealots there at the center that she enjoyed breast feeding her
so much that she became sexually aroused. Almost a year later,
Mother and child are reunited every two weeks but not officially
until January of 1993. All sex abuse charges were later dropped.
Barbershops in Korea give more than haircuts. Known as
"special service," sex may be performed under towels or behind
partitions. Potential customers just look for the opaque windows.
Percy Skuy is the world's foremost creator of weird museums.
In addition to the Museum of Women which features live examples,
including one nude, he has created the Museum of Underwear in
Brussels (this one can be rented out for private parties,) Cana-
da's Museum of the History of Contraception and has proposed a
Museum of the Prostrate after King Bandouin of Belgium had the
same surgery. Got any ideas to pass on to Mr. Skuy?
Audiences who whistle, applaud and cheer at a pretty scanti-
ly dressed woman dancing are not unusual. However, the audience
at the Washington, D.C. Lesbo-A-Go-Go nightclub is composed
entirely of women. One member in the audience, Brenda Torres
said, "It isn't degrading. We're all women here. If it were men
watching, then it would be degrading."
The Chinese have many cures for impotence and aging- an-
tlers, teas and animal testicles. The latest is called "Yeansheng
Health Liquid," composed of male silk moths.
Sex is illegal on co-ed British warships. When one woman
doctor had been raped, the crew was promised amnesty if they told
what they were doing that night. Eleven male sailors said they
were having sex with another female sailor!
Worshipers in a Sluis, Netherlands church were startled to
hear strange noises coming from the confessional. When they went
to investigate, they found a partially clad couple making pas-
sionate love. The priest after hearing of the amorous twosome
said he had not been asked "to grant the couple absolute absolu-
tion."
Prostitutes in newly liberated country of Latvia of the
former Soviet Union do not have access to condoms. Instead the
local ladies of the night use the "being choosy" method, accord-
ing to the spokeswoman of their trade union, "The girls don't do
it with Arabs, blacks or Chinese."
Iraq's Saddam Hussein has stopped the practice of tipping
belly dancers. After fining one admirer $320,000 for throwing a
check for 3.3 million dollars at the feet of one dancer, Saddam
went on national TV. Warning about "frivolous and shameless
spending," he went on to tell rich Iraqis, "don't flaunt your
wealth or else."
In a Paradise Hill, Canada tavern three men walked in on an
all female party. When it was over, two of the men left in their
underwear and the third in just his T-shirt. About a dozen of the
women had ripped off most of the men's clothes.
One social worker complained because the police did not
charge any of the revelers with sexual assault. The Royal Cana-
dian Mounted Police constable, Ed Gallant, who investigated the
incident in Saskatchewan Province said that "none of the three
victims complained."
Tax authorities in Canberra, Australia have given brothel
owners an ultimatum. As required by law, any business that has a
payroll of over $214,000 (Australian dollars) must provide train-
ing for employees equal to one percent or face tax penalties.
Opposition trade spokesman, Alexander Downer asked "All of us are
wondering what sort of training programs the Australian Taxation
Office has in mind."
One US woman, afraid her breasts implants would kill her,
removed them with a razor. Her insurance would not pay for such
surgery. Her husband said she also once tried to remove a bad
tooth with pliers but was not successful that time.
Finally, there is the case of a girl who is allergic to
sperm. After having sex for the first time, she developed a rash
on her lips and eyelids; her tongue and throat became swollen;
had an asthmatic attack and violent pains in her chest and then
lost consciousness.
Just remember, an anonymous man defined Puritanism as "the
haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun..."
Many say there is nothing unusual under the sun. Maybe so,
but then perhaps they have not done much research in the world of
sex. Let's take a look at some of the more stranger things in
this weird world.
THE ANCIENT WORLD
The ancient world had it's share of strange things in sexu-
ality. Bet you didn't know that the ancient Egyptians sodomized
their slain enemies not because they wanted sex but because they
didn't want to be pursued by "ghosts." The Greeks only did it for
fun. Whereas in ancient China, sodomy was called "sharing the
peach."
Or how about Cleopatra's nickname? She was known as the
"gaper" since she had oral sex with at least 100 Roman noblemen
in one night. It's a wonder these same Romans gave us the word
for masturbation, "manusturbo," which means "to defile (or dis-
turb) with the hands."
"One who holds his virile member when making water," accor-
ding to Rabbinical tradition, is one of the four types of hateful
men. They also state that his wife must be close by so they can
have sex after urinating. It is also not well known that King
Herod of Biblical fame slept by his dead wife for seven years.
The Greek and Islamic cultures considered masturbation okay,
provided one had no partner. Ancient Chinese and Indians thought
this self indulgence tolerable but only if it resulted in no
orgasm. Both of these cultures believed that a man only recovered
his jism after sexual intercourse with a woman. The old Egyptians
said that if a male god masturbated, his progeny produced would
be delivered through the anus.
In the sixth century, the Catholic Church wrote "the Peni-
tentials" which detailed all the crimes of sexuality and had the
effect of being the first sex manual. We had to start somewhere.
THE MIDDLE AGES
The Islamic religion is not without other oddities. They
have a saying, "the pilgrimage to Mecca is not perfected saved by
copulation with the camel." One thing that Marco Polo brought
back from China besides spaghetti was the practice of rubbing his
prostrate during sex to produce "almond milk."
In 1349, hordes of gigantic women from Hungary invaded
Germany during the Black Death period and "tore off their clothes
and beat themselves with rods." Over three hundred years later, a
Londoner known as Whipping Tom, hid in dark alleys, then grabbed
a passing woman, tossed her skirts over her head and spanked the
victim until she cried for help.
MODERN TIMES
By the early 19th century, physicians were treating the
deadly "disease of masturbation" by severing the nerves to the
penis and cauterizing the prostrate gland. The British, Germans
and French, all invented "underwear" to prevent masturbation
years before that, but apparently weren't successful. Look at all
the sperm banks we have today.
Sylvester Graham, inventor of the cracker, made claims that
the loss of semen was equal to three times as much blood and
believed that sex should not be practiced more than twenty times
a year and only with one's wife. And certainly never alone.
Another food legend, American John Harvey Kellogg, believed
masturbation was sinful and could lead to disease. He thought
"that masturbation was more dangerous than sodomy, for there were
no bounds to its indulgence."
SEX PROFESSIONALS
While the rest of world has had its indulgences, we expect
our sex researchers and therapists to be a little more normal.
The most famous, Sigmund Freud, had a phobia of railroads because
he shared a rail car with his mother and saw her naked. He also
found American women extremely erotic. One out of two ain't bad.
Kinsey said there were six types of male orgasms and that
high school graduates are more likely to have a homosexual
experience than college graduates. Additionally, he said that the
best aphrodisiacs are "good health, sufficient exercise and
plenty of sleep."
The famous German sexual researcher, Kraft-Ebing stated
unequivocally that childhood masturbation led to sexual deviance
and even sadistic crimes against humanity, the worst being mur-
der.
The sexologist, Havelock Ellis, drank urine. In 1959, Dr.
William Masters gave his first scientific paper at the Conference
of the Vagina. It's nice to know that the movers and shakers of
sex were on such an even keel.
STRANGE?
Those sex researchers have come up with a few things that
are at least startling. Women are less likely to be raped in
December. White collar workers masturbate the most. Disco music
makes mice homosexual. Kissing causes cavities. The Swahili word
for venereal disease is KISSINONO. Primitive cultures nearly all
find plump women more desirable. The record for a human breast is
52 pounds. Men in their sixties have a wet dream every two weeks
on average. Marriages generally improve after the man has a heart
attack. No more wet dreams?
OTHERS
Famed critic John Rusk fell in love with a ten year old girl
because he was repulsed by his wife's pubic hair. Some think Sir
Isaac Newton suffered from insomnia because he never had sex.
Catherine the Great employed people to tickle her feet and spank
her bottom. It's also said she bled to death from having sex with
a horse.
The late King Ibn Saud of Arabia never looked upon the faces
of his 400 wives. Ronald Reagan said that sex was best "in the
afternoon, after coming out of the shower." Who do we believe?
TODAY
After a paternity suit against a Catholic priest, the arch-
diocese said they "may not be held liable...because such conduct
is not within the scope of his duties." However, recently the
Supreme Court found that schools are liable for sex harassment.
Maybe it's part of the curriculum.
Prostitution is illegal in Iran. However, Iranian men get
around this by "marrying for a few hours" and then get "divorced"
according to Islamic law. Prostitutes in Biella, north of Turin,
Italy, in response to "unfair competition" from Nigerians, re-
cently declared a day of "free and safe sex."
Probably the most sexist TV is in Japan. In recent days,
talk shows zoomed in on women's breasts, a female reporter demon-
strated an uplifting bra on TV and another female reporter inves-
tigated the increasing size of Japanese women's breasts. Not to
be outdone, one comic hero is Rape Man, who is dressed only from
the waist up. Wonder if Japanese penises have grown too!
Last year, one late night TV show in Britain, "The James
Whale Radio Show," had an unusual performance. This popular show
featured an impressionist who held a cigar between his butt
cheeks and clenched them in synch with a speech by Winston
Churchill.
Sri Lankans can finally see kissing on television. A Moscow
entrepreneur has recently opened a "school of strip-tease and
graduates will work in Germany, France, Norway, Sweden and Singa-
pore.
In Germany, it is illegal to have sex with a child under
fourteen but not if they're of another nationality. Other nation-
alities are protected from twelve and under.
Barbershops in Korea give more than haircuts. Known as
"special service," sex may be performed under towels or behind
partitions. Potential customers just look for the opaque windows.
Authorities in Myanmar have a quick solution for AIDS infec-
ted prostitutes. Their own nationals are deported while others
are injected with cyanide.
It had to happen. Despite threats from the Vancouver police,
bungee jumpers can now jump in the nude. A Drummond, Montana man
protested his speeding ticket by writing the check on his under-
wear. The bank cashed the check.
One US woman, afraid her breasts implants would kill her,
removed them with a razor. Her insurance would not pay for such
surgery. Her husband said she also once tried to remove a bad
tooth with pliers but was not successful that time.
Finally, there is the case of a girl who is allergic to
sperm. After having sex for the first time, she developed a rash
on her lips and eyelids; her tongue and throat became swollen;
had an asthmatic attack and violent pains in her chest and then
lost consciousness.
When one thinks of sex and related subjects, it may be true
there is nothing new. Every culture from around the world has
many examples of odd behavior. Some are bizarre, some are just
plain different. Let's take a look at some of the more stranger
things in this weird world of sex.
A district commissioner in Kenya has called for a ban on
AIDS victims marrying. Ismael Chelang believes that the ban be
made law and would prevent a new generation of AIDS sufferers.
"The time has come when the government or churches should
not register couples intending to get married, unless they pro-
duce certificates showing they do not have AIDS," he said.
Four women found guilty of murdering a 19 year old woman
have walked free from a Kenyan Court. They admitted circumcising
the woman, who later bled to death.
The victim, Helen Makena of Giaki, was grabbed by her
elderly grandmother and the rest of the women then forcibly
circumcised Makena with a razor blade. Meru Principal Magistrate,
Mrs. Mary Mugo, warned the women to refrain from "the habit" or
face jail. Each was placed on probation for 2 years.
In Uganda, which has epidemic proportions of AIDS cases, the
government had made many pitches through the state run media to
educate the people. But recently due to pressure from Christian
and Islamic religious leaders, the government has stopped the
educational programs on AIDS prevention.
Homosexuality is no longer illegal in the Isle of Man in the
English Channel. Previously, a gay man could be sentenced to life
in prison for sodomy. Exactly where a gay man should be held with
the other homosexuals!
The economic situation in Russia has spawned one unusual
thing- one room divorces. Since housing is not available and one
room apartments are the norm, when a couple decides to separate,
they do so by placing a sheet down the middle of the room.
Worshipers in a Sluis, Netherlands church were startled to
hear strange noises coming from the confessional. When they went
to investigate, they found a partially clad couple making
passionate love. The priest after hearing of the amorous twosome
said he had not been asked "to grant the couple absolute
absolution."
At the Olympic Games at Albertville, France in 1992, the
only condom machine in the village of Brides-les-Bains was behind
a security fence. When a woman tried to buy some from the
dispenser, she was removed by security guards.
"Even the condoms are reserved for the athletes," she
screamed. Later she was given three condoms- free.
The recession has hit the 11th annual bachelor auction at
Talkeenta, Alaska very hard this year. In this state with an over
abundance of eligible men, the event had the lowest bids ever.
However, condoms were handed out to all the successful bidders.
Quote of the day- "I would wager that the American people do
not know that Congress has exempted itself from the sexual
harassment laws private employers and the executive branch must
obey," opined ex-President George Bush.
A Canadian judge has recently ruled that a woman going
topless is illegal and she was fined $75, Canadian. He said "The
essence of the matter here is that anyone who thinks male and
female breasts are the same thing is not living in the real
world."
Prostitutes in newly liberated country of Latvia of the
former Soviet Union do not have access to condoms. Instead the
local ladies of the night use the "being choosy" method.
According to the spokeswoman of their trade union, "The girls
don't do it with Arabs, blacks or Chinese."
Sex in parked cars in Singapore is against the law.
Iraq's Saddam Hussein has stopped the practice of tipping
belly dancers. After fining one admirer $320,000 for throwing a
check for 3.3 million dollars at the feet of one dancer, Saddam
went on national TV. Warning about "frivolous and shameless
spending," he went on to tell rich Iraqis, "don't flaunt your
wealth or else."
The sign said "drop your trousers here for the best
results." No, this wasn't a house of ill repute but a Thai
laundry.
Larry Flynt, founder of Hustler magazine, became a
born-again Christian in 1988. After he became a convert, a
reporter asked Flynt if he planned to have a scratch n' sniff (a
regular feature of his magazine) in the centerfold of the Virgin
Mary. He replied, "Hey, that's a great idea- we'll make it smell
like tomato juice."
At the World's first Museum of Women in Singapore, patrons
can wander through such exhibits as the housewife, the child
woman seductress, the grandmother knitting a shawl, a
streetwalker and a naked lady sitting discreetly with her legs
crossed. The catch is that they are all live models. Signs
throughout the museum say "Do not touch the exhibits!"
In the State of Kelantan, Malaysia, authorities have decided
to encourage polygamy because there happens to be an abundance of
eligible women. This is keeping with their policy of adhering to
becoming a total Moslems state.
According to doctors in Dhaka, Bangladesh, a 13 year old
girl has suddenly transformed into a boy. "I had a sex change
during the night," she or rather he is quoted as saying. The
doctors at the Postgraduate Medicine and Research Center told the
parents "he is a strong, healthy and normal boy."
Scientists in Amsterdam, Holland can now advise the best
positions for the best orgasm. After studying the climaxes of a
hundred couples as they had sexual intercourse, Doctor Lasse
Hessel says "For the first time, we can tell people which
positions give the best sexual stimulation. The technique
involves the use of ultrasound and the 64 page guide is a best
seller.
A thirty year old Siberian woman has beat inflation by
stripping for prisoners who exercise in the compound below her
home. The average worker here makes a little over 300 rubles a
month and the woman says "Some months I earned five or six
thousand rubles."
In a Paradise Hill, Canada tavern three men walked in on an
all female party. When it was over, two of the men left in their
underwear and the third in just his T-shirt. About a dozen of the
women had ripped off most of the men's clothes.
One social worker complained because the police did not
charge any of the revelers with sexual assault. The Royal
Canadian Mounted Police constable, Ed Gallant, who investigated
the incident in Saskatchewan Province said that "none of the
three victims complained."
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has the ultimate solution for
AIDS infected citizens in his country. First he has mandated
testing for all those over thirteen years old and any who test
positive for the virus are confined to a walled sanitarium for
life.
Tax authorities in Canberra, Australia have given brothel
owners an ultimatum. As required by law, any business that has a
payroll of over $214,000 (Australian dollars) must provide
training for employees equal to one percent or face tax
penalties. Opposition trade spokesman, Alexander Downer asked
"All of us are wondering what sort of training programs the
Australian Taxation Office has in mind."
Researchers at Atlanta's Emory University have warned men to
stop using coffee if they want to remain fertile. Likewise,
pregnant women are cautioned to lay off coffee because of
caffeine's effect on the fetus.
A famous English author wishes to remain anonymous because
of the following quote- "If you can sleep in it, on it or with
it: if you can fly it, sail it, drive it, gallop with it, ride in
it or on it, or with it, RENT IT, DON'T BUY IT!"
According to researchers, 40 percent of Americans cannot
sleep the night before their wedding. The other 50 percent say
they have no change in their sleeping habits. The vast minority
confirm that they sleep even better.
After they get married, the biggest complaint is that the
spouses hog the covers but most men complained more about their
wives hogging the whole bed. Women said snoring was the biggest
problem at night. It may be that divorces really occur if both
have both of the different afflictions.
Fantasizing about another while making love has been
declared normal by author Michael Castleman. The real problem he
contends is if the fantasy's about one person only. Men's Health
magazine further asserts that the chances are 1 in 6.6 that a
man's best friend's wife fantasizes about the man. But the
chances the best friend fantasizes about the pal's wife is 1 in
2.5!
One good reason to change your sex is because of lightning.
Women are struck once in 1.8 million, while for men it's one in 8
million.
Seventy five percent of the folks at a Miami convalescent
home say they have sex at least once a week.
It had to happen- there's now a support group for trucker's
wives.
Audiences who whistle, applaud and cheer at a pretty scanty
dressed woman dancing are not unusual. What is unusual is that
the audience at the Washington, D.C. Lesbo-A-Go-Go nightclub is
composed entirely of women. "It isn't degrading. We're all women
here. If it were men watching, then it would be degrading," said
one member in the audience, Brenda Torres.
Holly Glass, featured dancer at the club, says "I'm very
much a feminist and it's not degrading. We've been screaming
`women's liberation' long enough. Let's do something for fun."
The newest magazine for lesbians is called Cunt. This San
Francisco based publication's first edition featured "reprints
and original stuff, comics, a latex glove insert, safe sex ideas,
hot fiction and more."
The latest craze in Japan is the love hotel. Here the space
conscious Japanese can indulge their fantasies in the large
Disneyland, Helicopter, clamshell bed and jail rooms. The first
in the US will open in Minneapolis.
The Chinese have many cures for impotence and aging-
antlers, teas and animal testicles. The latest is called
"Yeansheng Health Liquid," composed of male silk moths.
South Korean parents are upset over their phone bills. Seems
their children are calling Los Angeles phone sex services
available in the Korean language.
Those paragons of virtue, the Muslims, now have a
"religiously correct" bathing suit for men. A company in Turkey
makes one that covers the waist to the knee and the kicker, it
does not "cling to the body when wet." No word yet on one for
women.
Sex is illegal on co-ed British warships. When one woman
doctor had been raped, the crew was promised amnesty if they told
what they were doing that night. Eleven male sailors said they
were having sex with another female sailor!
The latest effort against AIDS is a campaign using national
pride. The company, Old Glory Condoms, uses the logo of a flowing
US flag in the shape of a condom to fight against disease in the
interest of "national security." However, the condoms are made of
just plain latex.
Sergio Valente, the clothing manufacturer, has succeeded in
stopping Michael Byer of Philadelphia from selling condoms. He
wanted to market them under the name of Sergio Prevente...
Canada's Public Health Association has recently released a
27 minute video tape showing high school students how to use a
condom.
The traditional Mexican ritual "Day of the Dead" has a new
form of offering. In addition to stuffed animals, drinks,
cigarettes and food, gay activists are placing condoms on altars
throughout Mexico City in honor of those who have died of AIDS.
Prostitutes at a convention in Kharkov, Ukraine have agreed
to keep their prices at current levels because of rampant
inflation. They also agreed to an educational campaign for
"amateurs" so they can learn to collect the correct fee.
A new tribe of primitives was recently discovered in
Indonesia. The Keu tribesman are described as wearing only penis
sheaths. No word yet on what the women were wearing.
"In the interest of justice" a couple who were video taped
by their neighbor having sex in their bathroom will not be shown
on television, at least until after their trial. According to the
trial judge, that would prejudice potential jurors.
One of the latest crazes to come to the tattoo world, is the
perfumed tattoo. Known as "Tattoos To Go," the perfume is
activated by body heat after the stick-on design is pressed to
the skin. It's said to last for weeks and weeks.
If you seduce another's woman or women in Kenya, you may
lose your animals. One man, after making love to the four women
in his father-in-law's household, was ordered by the clan's
tribunal to give a bull, a ram and two male goats to the
father-in-law who would have rathered the offender be castrated.
In a similar case in Kenya, a man accused of having sex with
his mother-in-law and two sister-in-laws was condemned to be
castrated but this was later overruled because his "wife still
needed the services of a complete man."
Chicago's Theater Oobleck had a "free if you're broke"
preview of a salute to free speech called "Eat My Fuck." There
was a catch. Depending on their whim, they charged customers five
to ten dollars to get out of the locked theater.
After North Myrtle Beach in South Carolina succeeded in
banning nude swimmers, they are going after thong clad women. "We
have had a city ordinance since 1976 against revealing certain
parts of the body- including the buttocks," said one city
official. Violators are asked to find another beach.
Archbishop John Hapgood of the Church of England has
demanded an inquiry into plans to open Britain's first sex choice
clinic. A US doctor, John Ericsson, invented the technique which
separates male from female sperm and then the appropriate ones
are artificially inseminated. Sixty centers around the world
already offer this service.
A 106 year old Iranian has fathered a child. His fourth wife
gave birth to a six and a half pound boy. All of his previous
wives and children are now dead. The man commented that his
secret was due to "taking care of my teeth, eating fresh meat and
walking a lot."
Over one hundred callers protested an adult video director
who allegedly hypnotized viewers after doing the same to nine
women on a Japanese television show. The women were asked to
fantasize their favorite sexual positions.
One man said he heard a crash and went to his daughter's
room and found her unconscious with her clothes in shreds.
Another complained, "It is inexcusable to broadcast on public
airwaves a program that shows obscene group hypnotism without
even explaining to the viewers the method of undoing the
hypnotism."
The latest spot for sex hungry male tourists is in Thailand
at the bamboo bars of Phuket. Even though the spelling
phonetically looks familiar, it's pronounced "Poo Ket."
Percy Skuy is the world's foremost creator of weird museums.
In addition to the Museum of Women which features live examples,
one of them nude, he has created the Museum of Underwear in
Brussels (this one can be rented out for private parties,)
Canada's Museum of the History of Contraception and has proposed
a Museum of the Prostrate after King Bandouin of Belgium had the
same surgery. Got any ideas to pass on to Mr. Skuy?
The ancients apparently were not without their own ways to
prevent fertility. Egyptians preferred crocodile dung while
elephant droppings mixed with honey was thought by Arabians to
stop unwanted pregnancies. Famed lover, Casanova used lemon juice
to insure he had no offspring. Other methods include dried beaver
testicles in a strong alcoholic solution that was drunk by women
of New Brunswick. Perhaps the reason these methods were
successful, was that no one would get anywhere near a person who
used these remedies.
Bet you didn't know that the first prescription for a
contraceptive tampon was written on papyrus in 1550 B.C.
A new business has sprung up in Vietnam. Actually it's an
old one among doctors everywhere where virginity is prized.
According to Nguoi Lao Dong (Worker) newspaper, many foreigners
will spend up to $3,000 a night to be with a virgin. "Many
so-called `beauty parlors' have made a lot of money by restoring
virginity to unfortunate girls."
Going on to say that "Growing numbers of single girls were
temporarily going into prostitution, then spending $100 to $150
for surgery before getting married." Other ladies had the surgery
more than once so they could be virgins and command higher
prices.
Although blue movies are banned in Pakistan, one couple did
become famous for their video tape depicting them having sexual
intercourse. Innocently enough, they had the tape made for their
own pleasure but unfortunately their home was robbed and the
incriminating tape found its way into the black market.
In Tacoma, Washington a woman sought spiritual advice and
marital counseling from her Pentecostal pastor. Using the
doctrine of `spiritual connection' or seeking God through a bond
with a member of the opposite sex, the preacher succeeded in
seducing her and having a long term affair.
After her 19 year marriage collapsed and she broke off the
affair, the pastor banished her from the church. She sued and won
a verdict of $200,000 which the jury reduced to $130,000 because
she was "35 percent at fault." An award of $20,000 to her
ex-husband was reduced too, the jury finding him "15 percent at
fault." The preacher has counter-sued both for
"malicious-prosecution."
After calling the Volunteer Center in Onondaga County, New
York, new mother Denise Perrigo was arrested. Her crime? Breast
feeding her baby girl! Seems she made the mistake of telling the
zealots at the center that she enjoyed breast feeding her baby so
much that she became sexually aroused. Almost a year later,
Mother and child were reunited every two weeks but not officially
until January of 1993. All sex abuse charges were later dropped.
Another New York woman was threatened with the lost of her
membership at a public swimming pool when she nursed her baby
beside the pool. An Iowa mother who breast fed her baby at a
restaurant was asked to leave. After both women filed suits, they
won their cases.
A late night skinny dipper got more than she bargained for
at Madeira Beach near Tampa, Florida. "This is a case about a
bully and a skinny dipper" said her attorney. It seems that the
boy in blue, after Roxanne Murasso ignored his request to
surrender, took her clothes and when she finally returned to the
beach, the policeman handcuffed and took her to the police
station- nude! In her suit (no, not birthday) against the city,
seven jurors agreed she was wronged and awarded her $130,000 in
damages.
Stewardesses "should have beauty not brains," said the head
of Thai Airways International. Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananti,
a member of the Thai military government and who also serves as
the air force chief and president of the state airline said that
"intelligent women tend not to be good-looking."
The Nation, a Bangkok newspaper, reported that Rojananti has
told all interviewers of the airlines to select potential
stewardesses "in the way beauty judging panels select
contestants. We have received a lot of complaints that our air
hostesses are not pretty enough," are too old and not smiling
enough. The Air Chief Marshal said the crisis had come to a head
because the airlines had hired too many college educated women,
instead of requiring the minimum of a high school diploma.
Zimbabwe's parliament had a recent report on the usage of
condoms. Apparently, the condoms were not used for the prevention
of AIDS, but at the Zimbabwe Electricity Supply Authority.
The parliamentary committee reported they were "grossly
taken aback to learn that the shortage of spare components had
resulted in condoms being used as substitutes for measuring
pressure at the Hwange power station."
In this Muslim provincial capital of Banda Aceh, Sumatra,
the city government has started the practice of shaving the heads
of call girls. The plan also includes parading the unfortunates
around the city.
Ifrizal Yunus, the mayor of Banda Aceh and originator of the
practice, said that he wanted to clean up the image of the
formerly conservative Islamic city and return it to being a
religious center.
Married couple, Rafael and Delores Bertrand, are splitting
up after seven years of marriage. Seems the Mexican couple are
allergic to each other. Whenever they got close, he sneezed and
she developed a rash.
Seventeen year old Kyto Yamashi was worried his sister would
lose her job when she became too ill to work. What to do? Like a
good brother he took her place. Only trouble was that she worked
as a barmaid in a Tokyo nightclub and he received 13 marriage
proposals from American servicemen.
One zoo keeper from Melbourne, Australia got a telegram from
work. It read "Gorilla pining for a mate. Shall we buy another or
await your return?"
Women in Gloucester, England are refusing to wear their car
safety belts. Policemen who asked why said the women didn't want
to wrinkle their clothes. But the real reason it seems is that
the women had one thing in common, they had big breasts.
Jocelyn Marchienne of Annonas, France is getting married and
also promises to never write another letter. Seems she has been a
pen pal to 140 sailors who she used to write every week. The
lucky girl is getting married to a soldier.
An unnamed woman in Brisbane, Australia is divorcing her
husband of 14 years because he read too many books. She comments,
"On our wedding night, he sat up in bed reading a science fiction
book. He wasn't even aware that I was in bed with him."
After a bachelor party at a Oakland Park, Florida nitery, a
newlywed sued a woman and the place she works. Seems the
unfortunate man participated in a bout of "hot oil wrestling and
foxy boxing" at the Knockout Room. Trouble was that she beat him
up so badly that he looked terrible in the wedding pictures.
Before the civil war in Yugoslavia, one man named Jan Bora
apparently had more time in his life than to just be a barber.
Seems old Jan has married 79 women. The record for divorces and
re-marriages was set in 1967 when he married and divorced 23
times. The curious may ask why did he change wives so frequently?
He replied, "Women are my hobby."
Sabrina Tracy, the self proclaimed "high priestess of the
Church of the Most High Goddess," after being released from
prison in Los Angeles, says she has slept with "2,758 (men) to be
precise."
It's only been a hundred years ago when most citizens
thought that bicycling was bad for women. People thought then
that riding bicycles "was immoral, unfeminine and unhealthful."
In addition, "it would intoxicate women to immoral acts, destroy
families and wreck homes." Now we know how our troubles today
began.
Victims and their women supporters of Kampala, Uganda are
demanding that sex offenders be given the ultimate penalty. At a
demonstration in this capital city, their petition stated "that
men were in possession of a potentially dangerous instrument
which should be cut off unless it is properly used."
In Sunnyvale, California one woman who was forced to perform
oral sex on her rapist bit off one of his testicles. A police
spokesman said, "She thought she was going to die."
In Ohio, a man had one of his balls bitten off after he hit
a hooker. According to the man, the woman was playing a little
too hard while mouthing his balls and he slapped her. Trouble was
she clamped down hard and now the man has only one left.
A West Chester, Pennsylvania man also lost one of his balls
in a freak accident. This had nothing to do with a woman. After
everyone left to go to lunch, the unnamed man apparently liked to
masturbate on the canvas drive-belt of a machine where he worked
but lost control when he had an orgasm and his left nut was
severed. The doctor who treated him commented, "I can only assume
he abandoned this method of self-gratification."
The wedding reception too long? Seems newlyweds, Peter and
Gillie Harries of Australia thought so. When their guests kept
finding excuses to hang around the party, they asked police to
evict all eight of the malingerers.
Jeff Anderson was scuba diving off Huntington Beach when
things got a little out of hand. Seems four horny male dolphins
got too frisky and tried to sexually assault him. Eventually
rescued by his diving partners, Anderson said, "I really thought
I would run out of air and drown while being raped by dolphins.
Wouldn't that have been something for my parents to live with?"
Manual and Elsy Alvarez sued Pepsi-Cola and Winn-Dixie, a
grocery store. Apparently the bottle cap he purchased popped off,
"spraying his face and eyes." He subsequently could not work and
had numerous medical expenses. His wife also sued saying that she
lost "her husband's companionship, sex, society and services."
A Canadian man has sued his pharmacist for $220,000. After
being diagnosed with the venereal disease chlamydia, he was given
canthacur instead podophyline to cure him. Canthacur, an acid
based medication, ended up giving third degree burns to his penis
and he couldn't have sex for a year.
Bank robbers falling in love? That's not unusual but when
the robber falls for the teller, then that's big trouble. After
Paul Howells successfully stole the money from a bank in Norfolk,
Nebraska, he called the aforementioned teller to apologize. But
to no avail, for she kept him on the line long enough for the
police to arrest him.
Burglars apparently have not been doing well of late. One in
Rio de Janeiro who does a good imitation of Spiderman has been
robbing women since 1987. Hector Jobim was recently caught when
he returned to the scene of the crime when the housewife he
robbed asked to have sex with him later on.
In Japan, phone sex is advertised believe it or not in phone
booths. Usually a business card or sticker with a picture of a
young lady is attached to the booth at eye level. Frustrated
commuters at the train stations can then call the woman of their
dreams while they wait.
A woman in Chicago has been convicted of soliciting
prostitutes for her husband and two married sons. As explained to
the judge, Jilleta Summers procured the women because her husband
who works late, often woke her up to have sex. She grew tired of
this and committed that crime. Additionally, Ms. Summers forced
the maid to have sex with her sons.
Just recently in London, England a couple was arrested for
smoking and making love on a train. Seems the amorous twosome
made love while everyone either watched or ignored them. When
they finished, they both lit up cigarettes in the non-smoking
area and that's when the other passengers complained to the
police.
After giving birth to her first baby, Mrs. Rose Stewart of
New Zealand rose out of the bed and proceeded to hit her husband
with a saucepan. The poor man ended up in the hospital with a
severe concussion. After the police arrested the woman, they
asked how could she do such a thing. She told them, "it was for
the pain he made me go through having this baby."
Students at San Francisco State University in the city
organized and armed themselves against an intruder in their
dormitories. The pervert apparently had been sneaking into their
rooms, removing the bed covers and licking their toes. The last
time he was chased away.
Speaking of toes, San Francisco isn't the only city that has
this fetish. In Englewood, New Jersey a man described as "neatly
dressed," accosted a woman in a parking lot by falling to his
knees and quickly removing her shoes and kissing them. Detective
Captain Kenneth Tinsley commented, the assault "appeared to be
quite odd."
In Isla Vista, California a record store gave away over 300
CDs. Seems that in order to promote "Have a Nude Day" they said
anyone who would come to the store in the buff would receive a
CD. There was a tremendous line by the time the owners arrived.
Italian film star Mastroianni was recently quoted as saying
he has a wife and a mistress. From his wife, he gets love,
understanding and sensitivity. His mistress gives him love,
passion and sensuality. He also says his wife does really
understand "the Italian way."
Copyright 1997 XXXXpress
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