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From: sinpleana@aol.com (SinpleAna)
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Subject: I loved my sister....
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To record such a story is to seem insensitive to morals and maybe look as
though I condone such behavior.However, how I feel on the subject isn't
important, but rather would like to give nothing more than a story. A true
story in which I came across the evening that my friend and I sat out on a roof
with an open breeze and a can of ale. Any reader must know that I am not a
writer, so be gentle with my errors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blues echoed in the background filling the rooms with a calming affect. I
wasn't comfortable with all the new faces, but my girlfriend insisted I come
over and help take up liberated space in her new home. After a while of enough
bullshit, I found a peacefulness out on her back porch. I could smell the
sweetness of a bulky orange tree full of over ripe fruit. I walked over to the
tree, crunching leaves beneath my ever step, and chose a robust fragrant
orange. As I turned in the darkness I heard a voice. Andrew sat on the roof
over the porch. It startled me at first.
     "What the hell are you doing up there?" My voice was obviously shaking
from the cool air. 
     "Nothing. Just trying to get away from everyone. I just don't fit in
here." There was a silence. I could hear the crickets cherping and decided to
calculate the temperature by listening to how many chirps in one minute then
added 29 and came up with it being about 50 degrees. For a while we didn't say
anything else to one another. I stood and ate my orange slinging the peelings
over the fence. 
     "Well, I guess I will rejoin the lovely people she invited over, perhaps I
can amuse myself  and watch TV or something. Wanta come in ?"
    "Naaaa. The sky is clear enough to frame out the big dipper. Why don't you
grab a beer and come up on the roof?"
    "Ok, be right back." He sounded strange. Lost almost. 
                 Now the thing about Andrew, was that he was the father of my
girlfriends baby. Some freak sexual thing two years ago and she chose to have
it. He was alot older than Mary. And Mary by no means loved him. Her excuse for
not being able to love him is that he has a small dick. Such a lame excuse.
Never the less Andrew continued to carry a torch for her. He made time to take
the baby off her hands, and contributed to all aspects of raising her. He was
there when she was born and was gonna be there till the end, or so thats how he
saw it. Mary used him more than she intended and he knew it and somehow it
never bothered him. He was hitting almost 60 and Mary had just turned 40. Old
blues hippies I called them. Andrew was a guitarist holding out to still make
it in the music world. Making money here and there at old timers night clubs.He
was a dead look alike of Carlos Santana. Not an ugly man but no gem either.
Mary is a gorgeous, supple, sensual dirty blonde. She was the kind of woman not
only men are attracted to but women approached her as well. She had a spritual
aura that pulled you in and left who you were behind. Her eyes were a light
envious green. She could catch you with a glance. 
     "So how do you expect a fat chick like me to climb on the roof without
falling and bouncing through a window ?", I laughed out words while climbing up
the latter.
    " Oh stop it and get up here!"
As I reached the top I suddenly was scared that he and I would end up crashing
to our death in Mary's backyard crushing the orange tree to boot. But we
didn't. We sat in silence for a long while till he asked me a question. One I
wasn't ready for.
     " So Ana.....have you ever fallen in love? The kind of love that tears
your heart to a million pieces? "
    "Nope. Can't say I have. I have loved only a couple people in my life but
it never worked out the way I guess I needed it to, so I settle with good
friends and hope that some day,  My prince will come along," I sang to him as I
answered.
    " I loved once in my life", he said gazing out into the sparkling darkness.
    " Mary?"
    " No. Someone else long ago. I loved her with all my everything and she
loved me the same."
    " So what happened?" I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to this, but it was
entirely to late to go back now. 
   " She left me."
Silence. We sat there in the deadest silence I have ever felt. Just sat there.
Then without warning he began to tell me a tale I wasn't sure I wanted to hear.
But I listened without interupting.
    " My mother as beautiful as she was, was a bit of a lover of all men. She
liked to party. She would spend alot of time in the bars when her husband was
working on the road. She had a long affair with a indian dude. He was a
cherokee indian. Big man, or so I was told. I was told she never loved him but
he had money and loved my mother, and fancied taking her out on the town. Back
then a loose woman was bad news, and often exciled from locals.  She dressed
different than women did back then too. I have pictures of her in tight pants
with the top button undone always, and a short white linen shirt. Her hair was
a soft deep black, long past her hips. She had dark eyes, almost black that I
am sure caught mens eyes. Even the pictures catch my eyes everytime. And you
know I learned later she hated shoes and bras. And you know, my mother had very
ample breasts to say the least."
     " You talk as though you never new her personally Andrew."
     " I didn't. She muted my very soul the day she gave me away. She got
pregnant from that Indian guy, and didn't want me. She couldn't raise a half
breed in a small town. When I was about 6 days old she turned me over to my
grandmother. The man that should of been my father, the man she was married to,
didn't want me either."
      As his story went on I listened to every harsh detail of his life. His
grandmother tried to do right by him, or so he thought in some twisted way, but
his grandfather couldn't get over the fact that he had indian in him which
didn't make much sense since they were immigrants from Mexico. 
     "Can you record all this Ana?" He stoped mid sentence to ask me this.
     " I really am not much of a writer", I told him.
     " Just write what I tell you."
     " Sure Andrew", regreting agreeing to this.
     " So I never saw my mother. When I was about 2 she got pregnant again by
another man. Not her husband. Again he said get rid of it. Back then abortions
were hard to come by. So she carried the baby to full term and once again
handed the bundle in pink to my grandmother. I was never told she was my
sister. We didn't even know we were related till we were older. I learned at an
early age not to ask questions, they always answered with a lit cigarette, or a
back hand to my face."
     " What was her name?", asking only when a pause occured.
     "Tina." As the party below continued we sat under the stars on the frail
roof, and I listened. He continued with horror stories of abuse both towards
Tina and himself. They shared a common bond. They were both throw away kids
with no stable space. "As we grew older we did everything together. We went to
school together, played together, ate our jelly sandwhiches together, and cried
together, and still it never occured to us that we were brother and sister.
There were so many kids in and out of the house always. My family was full of
secrets. Years later I learned my mother was a product of my grandfathers
daughter and himself. But my grandmother never said a word, and she knew. "
        I suddenly was so lost. A family of horrible secrets. Insest and sexual
abuse. Torture and insanity. I wrapped my coat tighter around me trying to get
warmer. I didn't want to hear this at all. Andrew had been my friend for years,
and all along I thought he had it together. He seemed so wise, so intuned with
life and nature, and all along he was more broken than I ever was.
      " Tina and I slept together all those childhood years. When I came to be
about 17, I realized things about me were changing. I had slept with her for
years. She was becoming a woman. No one ever said, don't sleep together any
more you two are getting too old for this. And since school wasn't the thing
for me I never went past the 6th grade and chose to work the fields, so I
didn't learn about sex and all that. I remember, Ana, this isn't too much for
you is it? I mean, I just want this written down and don't want to make you
uncomfortable. I don't trust anyone else."
      " I can handle it Andrew. I can handle it." I was saddened for him.
Seriously saddened. I was also arroused , knowing what was coming.
      " I remember one night getting in bed. I had erections all the time but
never one in bed with her, or one that I was aware of. She was asleep. Silently
I slipped my hands under the covers and pulled my sex out slowly. It was wet
just on the tip. I felt the pulsating deep with in. I began stroking it like so
many times before in the deep corn fields in the bright sunlight. Pulling at it
and moving closer towards her. She moaned for me to move over. But I didn't, I
keep stroking it. I whispered for her to awake. She didn't. I whispered again.
She turned over slowly. I remember asking her to touch it. She just laid there.
No expression. No voice. I remember pulling the covers off and kneeling in
front of her, to her side, pulling and stroking my cock. I watched her eyes as
they darted across the room avoiding mine. I  jerked off hard that night
ejaculating on her face and  in our bed. She never said a word, and never
talked about it. I wanted her. I was innocent and pure then. Several monthes
later I went to bed early so I could masterbate in privacy. I laid back against
the old framed head board in darkness, pulling my sex out and stroking. Tina
walked in on me. She just stood there and watched me. Stood at the end of the
bed. No smile, no expression. After a while of these episodes on many
ocassions, I had to talk to her about how I felt. We had grown apart a little
since she went to school and I didn't. She never brought friends home and no
one ever called for her. I always wondered how she kept her home life so
seperate from her life outside. I never had anyone so it was easy for me."
      " Did you two ever make love Andrew?" I had to know, I am not sure why, I
just had to know. I find my brothers not sexually attractive in the slightest
just because I know they are my brothers, and felt a little sickend by this
story and a little turned on.
      " Yes. We did. 5 monthes before my 18th birthday I decided I was leagally
able to leave on my own and had saved enough money to get out of this hell
hole, I took her. "
     " What do you mean  'you took her'?" I was nervous. "And by the way , does
Mary know all this about you?"
     " She only knows bits and pieces. I raped her. She came home late one
night, and I waited in our bed. She undressed put her nightgown on and crawled
in bed next to me. I was arroused instantaniously. I turned over and pulled her
night gown up. For what seemed like a long time I studied her body. She was so
perfect. She struggled only a little bit as I tore her gown off, but never
screamed. I remember smelling her. Like an animal I pulled her panties to the
side and gorged her with my sex. I had to take her that way. I knew in my heart
she was my sister, but suppressed it in everyway. I moved violently against her
frail frame. I wanted her to taste the riches of both our cum, but she refused.
Some of it is a blur, but I remember turning her over and entering her from
behind. I watched her tiny knuckles turn white as she grabbed the steel frame.
Sounds harsh, but taking her that way made me feel like she was mine. I bit
hard into her left shoulder as I came.I drew blood. The next day she didn't say
a word. Never asked why. It wasn't till years later I learned my grandfather
was raping her for years. She was just expecting that someday, I too would take
her. She just thought it would be sooner than it was. I left that summer.
Rented a small apartment in Stockton out close to the river. I played guitar in
the evenings and worked my days away. I missed her terribly. But she came to me
one night in the fall that year. She and I saw eachother everyday. We made
passionate love in every way you could think of. She began talking to me again
like when were children. We shared our love for art and poetry. This went on
for about 3 years. Finally when I was 21 and her 19, she moved in with me. We
never had to marry because our last name was that of my grandfathers. We
suspected we were related in someway, maybe cousins. I always knew, in some
weird way I knew. We looked nothing alike, as her father was white and mine
indian. We were never told who our mother or mothers were, so we suspected we
were distant cousins. We had left the past and the hurt behind, we never looked
back, never visited the grandfolks, and didn't want to. They didn't know we
were livivng together till the grandfather died, when I was 35. We had
virtually no contact with any of them at all. But my Aunt showed up on our door
step one day to let us know of his passing, and realized Tina and I were living
together, and had a child together."
     " You have another child Andrew?" I was almost sick in some odd way.
     " Yes, she lives in LA. But she has no idea who I am. Her mother has told
her I am dead, I don't blame her. I have pictures of her, since she was little
and recent ones Tina has sent to me."
     " So what did the Aunt tell you?" This was like a novel, a bad novel I
thought to myself.
     " She was appauled. I explained that we were told we weren't related as
kids, and we fell in love, whats the problem. Tina walked in just then and my
Aunt began telling her she was a whore no good for nothing kind of thing. I
calmed everyone down, and we began to talk. I found out that we had the same
mother, different fathers. I also found out we had like 6 other brothers that
my mother kept. We then found out about our mother being a product of insest.
We all cried that day. Things were never the same between Tina and I. We had
purchased a house in Bakersfield by then, and I had my own buisness
landscaping. She was a nurse in a ICU department in a big hospital. And we had
this beautiful little girl. It was a fairy tale in its own. Two cars, money in
the bank. I loved her more than life itself. She was my soulmate. I would have
lived the rest of my life in that secret. But it fucked Tina up in the harshest
way. Our little girl too was the product of insest, and Tina felt she needed to
get away from me. Raise her under a different name and move further south where
we had no family to invade their life.  So....what do you think of love now?
What do you think of who I am? "
       I paused and swallowed. I could here Mary's laugh. I could here the
blues whaling away. I could feel the frost covering Mary's lawn like a blanket
of  harshness. It fit the feeling.
     " Well Andrew, I don't know what I feel, I don't think it matters as it is
your life not mine. I have passed the boundries of insest as a child, but broke
the pattern with my own kids, so much I have only had two partners my whole
life. Sex is scarey for me. I have learned since, that it can be enjoyable, as
love can be too, but I have never loved my siblings in this way. But I
understand you didn't find out till later." I sighed a heavy sigh and lit
another cigarette one of twenty I smoked that night up there in the chaffing
coldness. He sighed to almost regreting he ever told me any of this. I sensed
it. I reminded him that I would never tell anyone. He smiled. His whole life
had been a struggle to get through it all. And all those beautiful songs he
wrote, all the heart wrenching lyrics had been for her, Tina.
     " I still love her Ana. We knew in our hearts we were brother and sister.
I think we knew since she arrived that summer day. I knew the day I took her in
that garage bedroom of ours. My grandmother knew, but she let it all happen. I
guess that era in the 50's , people just didn't disclose dirty laundry. My
Aunts and uncles were all moved out by the time I arrived, they left at early
ages to get away from the abuse. Why my mother ever gave me to them knowing who
they were is beyond me, and to give a girl is worse. I hate her you know? And
still she is alive."
     " Where is she now?"
     " She lives in a old folks home in Merced. You know the man that should
have been my father, he just died. I went to see him shortly before he died. He
said he was sorry for everything that happened to me, he could of stoped all of
it. He also said he loved me. That angered me, since he never knew me."
     " You know this is one harsh story. And still there are details that I am
not aware of huh?"
    " Yeah. But I just wanted you to know about my first love. You asked me
once about my first love and if you remember I told you it was a long story. I 
believe it was shortly before you were gonna meet some guy in San Fransisco.
Right?"
     " Oh yeah. I remember."
      Again we sat in a silence. There was a breeze now and the coldness was
lifted. People were laughing and carrying on in the distance. We opened our ale
at the same time and guzzled them down. Quietly. We must of sat there for about
and hour, till he broke the silence and told he had to go it was time, he was
getting too old for late nights in the cold like this. 
     " Thanks for listening. Are you okay?"
     " Yeah, but I worry about Morgan." Morgan is Mary's and Andrew's baby.
     " Never worry about her. She will know this stuff when it is time, when
she is older."
     " I mean about you sexually abusing her, I mean , not that you have but it
crossed my mind a few times."
     " Never worry about that Ana, that will never happen. I have no desire for
anyone sexually, and further more never for my daughter, seriously. I was
totally open with you, if I thought I had a problem in that area, I wouldn't of
told you. And Mary knows most of this , but without details. Look I really
gotta go....call me this week, and I will set you up that tower, and thanks.
Email me this..ok?"
    " Yes Andrew, will do."
     I sat there for some time longer. Looking for the stars that were being
covered by thick clouds. I wondered why people have no heart. About little kids
that have to live through nightmares like these only to be set up for pain the
rest of thier life. I climbed down from the roof that night and slipped out the
side gate and went home. I couldn't get home quick enough. I watched my kids
sleep for a few minutes and tucked them in, thankgod they will never know this
kind of life, thankgod they will be normal. And I realized how important my job
was to keep them safe from people that could hurt them, and they will never
know, I said to myself, and they will never know.

1998- For Him.          



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