Message-ID: <984eli$9705282158@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: <URL:http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/Year97/984> Path: qz!news.accessus.net!not-for-mail X-Path-Preload: news.accessus.net preloaded to thwart rogue canceller there Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: <usenet-approval@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded <story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us> From: usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us (Eli the Bearded) Subject: (Humor) whats your bag baby? I got this in the mail the other day and thought it was funny and perhaps topical. I did not write it. HOT! INTERNATIONAL! GAY! by Andrew Hicks From the comedy diary "Yet Another Year in the Life of a Nerd" We should all get down on our knees and thank the Good Lord for capitalism. It's the only economic system that could have inspired a book called "Hot! International! Gay!" I found this book buried in a Brentano's bookstore. It's a pocketsize international dictionary with the sole purpose of getting men laid in seven languages. "Love and sex in seven languages!" it brags, with the languages being English, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Czech and Portuguese. It has translations for about a thousand phrases, from "Are you into threesomes?" to "Do you like my tool?" As someone who plans to minor in Spanish, I could have probably gone through 30 or more credit hours without ever learning such valuable communication tools. Unless you had Hot! International! Gay! in your possession, you'd never know if a French invitation to "la jack-off party" had anything to do with sex. Imagine your surprise if "jack-off party" was the word for "business meeting" and you showed up naked with a stack of porno mags. Even German is simplified with Hot! International! Gay! There are apparently no false cognates in the entire language. Take "Der Buttplug," "Das Kondom," "der Orale sex," "der Telefonsex," and my personal favorite, "der Quickie." "Arschfinken" and "Arschliken" both mean exactly what they sound like. I can just imagine the commercial that would accompany such a book... ANNOUNCER: How many times has this happened to you? MAN is shown in a gay bar as a foreigner spews rapid-fire French come-ons. The MAN tries futilely to look up all the words in his French-English dictionary. MAN (frustrated): Ca t'arrive what?? ANNOUNCER: You're missing out on countless casual sex because you just can't keep up with foreign phrases. Try this. A book drops out of the sky and onto the bar in front of the gay man. As his potential French lover repeats the phrase, he flips through to the right page and says to himself in English, "Oh sure, I like it rough." He repeats the phrase to the man in French and they leave the bar, arm in arm. As they are walking out, the man turns around, holds out the book and says, "Thanks, Hot! International! Gay!" ANNOUNCER: Hot! International! Gay! can help you get laid whether you're a Brazilian in Brussels or an American in Amsterdam. And it makes those special shopping trips that much easier with phrases like "I'll take a whip" and "Some chains please." No more of these frustrating exchanges... MAN in a German porn store is gesturing to an item on the backwall. MAN: I want some titclamps! Titclamps, dammit! GERMAN (shrugs): Ich verstehe nicht. The book falls out of the sky and onto the counter. ANNOUNCER: Here, try this. MAN: Hot! International! Gay!? Is that some kind of phone sex line? ANNOUNCER: Check out page 242. MAN (flips open the book, reads slowly): Ich mochte Tittenklemmen. GERMAN's face lights up. He retrieves the titclamps. MAN: Thanks, Hot! International! Gay! ANNOUNCER: Celebrities love Hot! International! Gay! Don't take my word, listen to Frankie of the rock group Frankie Goes to Hollywood. FRANKIE: I thought last year's international tour was going to be the loneliest four months of my life. But my lover said, "Relax, take this." And he gave me this book. Now I know how to say, "I'm looking for a sugar daddy" in Czech. Hledam bohateho strycka. Thanks, Hot! International! Gay! ANNOUNCER: Not only does Hot! International! Gay! help you get the guys, it helps you know what to do with them after you get them, with translations for each of the following. SCROLLS down the screen... "Are you top or bottom?" "Not tonight, I have a headache." "Play with my nipples." "Get on your stomach." "Whip me!" ANNOUNCER: And more. Hot! International! Gay! can even help with those awkward moments after you and your international buddy are done having sex, with these invaluable phrases... SCROLLS down the screen... "Do you have a towel?" "Where's the bathroom?" "I'll call you a taxi." "Let's get breakfast." "Are you all right?" ANNOUNCER: "Are you still alive?" not included. And in the event that things with your boyfriend don't go so well, Hot! International! Gay! offers a way out of the relationship with the following phrases... SCROLLS down the screen... "It's not you." "Please don't fall in love with me." "He found out about us." "I can't leave him." "I'm sorry I ever met you!" "Go to hell!" ANNOUNCER: Order Hot! International! Gay! now and receive a free gift that can be inserted in any of several bodily orifaces. Call 1-800-HOT-MEAT now to order by credit card. One more BAR SCENE. A SPANIARD approaches a MAN. SPANIARD: Hablas espanol? MAN pulls the Hot! International! Gay! book out of his breast pocket. MAN: I do now. (winks to the camera) Thanks, Hot! International! Gay! As an aside, each and every one of the phrases cited in that fake commercial came out of the Hot! International! Gay! book. I probably couldn't have made up more hilarious or absurd examples. It does dismay me that, in the age of AIDS, this kind of promiscuity is stilll being so blatantly exploited. According to this book, the model relationship is one where you meet someone, ask him if he's into threesomes, go back to his place for anonymous sex and ask his name afterwards. Not even the "health" chapter can redeem the book any. If anything, it's a half-assed (if you'll pardon the expression) attempt for the author to claim value after having listed translations of every gay sex act. "Have you been tested for AIDS?" comes 117 pages after "Let's sixty-nine." By that point, what good is the question? And how effective is a dictionary that lists, "You're raping me!" and "I'm going to call the police!" six pages after "You need to be punished." The messages are contradictory, not to mention the question of whether one can reach into his pocket, pull the dictionary and look up a phrase while he's being raped. If you listen really carefully, you can hear Noah Webster rolling around in his grave. And, yes, he is into threesomes. ______________________________________________________________________ Copyright 1997 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions Visit the "Yet Another Year" homepage at http://www.missouri.edu/~c667778 or subscribe to the mailing list and get these comedy diary entries as they're written, every 3-4 days. Send e-mail to subscribe, or with any comments, to c667778@showme.missouri.edu -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us | | Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | \ <URL:http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/> .../assm/faq.html> /