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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: Celestial Reviews 184 - May 24
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Celestial Reviews 184 - May 24, 1997
Somebody Sent Me This: A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his
age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became
a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his
young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that
all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to
get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make
love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional
manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your
wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help." Later that afternoon, his
young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking
him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm
going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the
office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his
truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on
the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be
inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes
tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy". A few
minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt
someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid
ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing,
please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear
axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while
you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
Blow Job Principle: We are in danger of losing some of our best authors. I
am aware of at least two people who say they are ready to throw in the towel
simply because they get so little feedback from readers. If you rarely or
never respond to authors, then THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
What in the world do you think keeps an author going? You can call it ego or
whatever you want to call it. I call it the Blow Job Principle. Simply
stated, if a person expects to get a second blow job, the recipient should
make the giver glad to have performed the first. Applied to these stories,
if you like a story, take the trouble to say so.
Some writers on this newsgroup are incoherent and don't intend to improve.
If they give up and go away, that's fine with me. But there are good
writers who have already abandoned this newsgroup and others who will do so,
because there's nothing in it for them.
I'm not suggesting that you kiss up to the authors. But if you enjoy a story
that you obtained for free, why not take two minutes to give the author some
feedback? I don't think most authors want idle flattery; but they write
stories with the hope that they are getting a reaction - for example, they
may want to make people happy. They'll never know they have succeeded unless
somebody tells them so.
Sign That the Apocalypse Is Upon Us: "Polygamy is an empowering
life-style... People come up to me and say, 'You have an eighth of a
husband.' I say. 'No, I have eight times the husband.' He learns from all of
us, and we learn from him." This is not (yet) a tagline from
alt.sex.stories, but a quote in Time Magazine from Elizabeth Joseph at a
meeting of the National Organization for Women, about being one of the eight
wives of Utah polygamist Alex Joseph. Hmmm....
Fourth Note: Remember the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest. The rules
are that the story must in some way be about sex and must be restricted to
500 words or less. In addition, the story should include some sort of
unusual twist - like the unexpected self-revelation Robert Browning's poem
"My Last Duchess" or the surprise endings in several of Vickie Tern's
"Teasers" or Deirdre's stories. If you wish, you can submit several
super-short stories together (as Vickie Tern has now done on two occasions),
or you can post them separately under separate titles. However, I'll give
first prize to the best STORY, not to the best collection. The deadline for
submissions will be June 3, which my calendar tells me is the date on which
the Catholic Church will celebrate the feast of St. Charles Lwanga and his
companions.
Fifth Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Something to Talk About" by OddManOut Anywhere (mild
dominance & anal sex) 10, 8, 8
"Youth in a Bottle" by Anonymous Asshole (cryptic sex story)
1,1,1 (undecoded); 10, 10, 10 (decoded)
"The Delivery Guy" by SevenBites (adolescent sex) 6, 7, 7
"Mystical Wish" by The Gray Mouser (magick) 10, 8, 6
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* "Camp Nurse" by NightShade (stud stranded in cheerleader
heaven) 10, 10, 10
* "A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded
(weird sex) 10, 8, 2
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"Something to Talk About" by OddManOut Anywhere" (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).
Jake isn't getting anywhere with Tanya through simple conversation, and so
her offers to give her a backrub. He finds it difficult to determine how she
is reacting to his ministrations. Like, she doesn't talk. Such passive sex
should have been boring, but Jake finds it extremely arousing. She's tight
and quiet, but she obviously wants him to continue. Eventually he fucks her
in the ass, and she enjoys that too. That gives them "something to talk
about."
Ratings for "Something to Talk About"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Youth in a Bottle" by Anonymous Asshole. You can well imagine my excitement
at receiving in my mailbox an unsolicited manuscript labeled "Youth in a
Bottle." The missive was from somebody named glycolic@hotmail.com and was
addressed rather broadly, I think, to onlinefriend@aol.com. I was fortunate
to have been included as a blind carbon copy (bcc). Images of fun-loving,
youthful orgies flashed before my mind's eye. You can imagine my
consternation when I opened the message and discovered that it appeared to be
an advertisement for something called Glycolic Acid.
I quickly realized that nobody would be so obtuse as to send me an
unsolicited advertisement of this nature, and so I began to read between the
lines. Sure enough! This WAS a sex story. It had obviously been written by
a person who was subject to censorship (possibly in the White House or at
Procter & Gamble or possibly a B52 pilot), and therefore the real story was
hidden behind code words and innuendoes. I have made a few adjustments {as
by inserting commas and apostrophes, correcting spelling errors, and
generally changing whatever was necessary}, but I think I have eked out the
basic outline of the story. I have put in brackets {like this} additional
information that clarifies more fully the meaning of a particular passage.
Whenever possible (or convenient) I have retained the exact words of the
original, encoded story. I suppose if you want more information, you'd have
to be fortunate enough to receive this mail yourself.
"Glycolic Acid" is simply the code name for a hot little teenage lap dancer
nicknamed Sweet Ass {actually, Sugar Ass, but that sounds somewhat hokey}.
She comes from {cums by using} milk products and wine, which sounds kind of
kinky to me. Sweet Ass is derived from {driven wild by} sugar cane {use your
own imagination here!}. Since the molecules {in her clitoris} are smaller in
Sweet Ass than in the other AHAs, Sweet Ass absorbs {the penis} into the skin
{particularly her vagina} more effectively, and this is the reason why Sweet
Ass has become the most popular of the AHA family. {It's not difficult to
imagine the AHA family gathered around the fireplace in incestuous rapture!}
How does Sweet Ass work? Sweet Ass's main function is to stimulate the organ
by weakening the bonds {!} that otherwise inhibit performance. Sweet Ass also
stimulates the body's own fluid production, which allows younger, newer
partners to "emerge" {and cum} at a much faster rate. When you are young,
you don't notice the natural stimulation process, which occurs about every 27
days for a 17-year-old person {Yeah, right! In his mother's puritanical
dreams!}. As we age, the stimulation process slows down; so dead cells {old
inhibitions, I think} are not shed as efficiently, creating, thicker, lined,
older looking skin. Sweet Ass "speeds up this process, thus making the skin
younger, softer and more supple, slowing down the aging process all
together." {I'm not sure what this last part means; but my experience is that
things that are young, soft, and supple are usually good.}
Many plastic surgeons and dermatologists {that is, rich folks who can get sex
anytime) feel that Sweet Ass in concentrations of less than 10% yields only
minimal results. Cosmetic companies such as Avon, Estee Lauder, and other
over the counter companies {that is, rich folks who for some reason cannot
get sex anytime) are using Sweet Ass at a much lower concentration, generally
about 2%-6%. This story recommends a full, clinical, 10% use of Sweet Ass,
who has been formulated to obtain maximum results and who can be incorporated
at higher percentages for a complete step-up program. {Zounds!}
What about antioxidants? Antioxidants are vitamins and minerals that the
author has incorporated into Sweet Ass to protect the skin's surface from sun
damage, pollutants, accidental impregnation, and other damaging elements
caused by dogs and other animals in the environment.
Even though Sweet Ass works similar{ly} to Retin A, Sweet Ass has no side
effects, whereas Retin A can sometimes be a real bitch. However, Sweet Ass
should be used with a sunscreen to protect the skin.
Ratings for "Youth in a Bottle"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"The Delivery Guy" by SevenBites (SevenBites@aol.com). Last week we had the
Yard Guy. This week it's the Delivery Guy, or in this specific story the
17-year-old boy who delivers a document for this mother and then boinks the
30-something woman to whom he has made the delivery. This is this author's
first story. You gotta start somewhere. My advice would be to follow
Michael K. Smith's advice in "How to Write Stories Good," which I reviewed in
the last issue of CR. This story has a basically good idea behind it, but it
needs plot and character development as well as a thorough proofreading.
Most importantly, the author should have someone who will be honest with him
look at the next story before he rushes to press with it.
Ratings for "The Delivery Guy"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Mystical Wish" by The Gray Mouser
(the.gray.mouser@f750.n154.z1.fidonet.org). Greywind is an elf. He has
become infatuated with Chakyna, an elven maiden. They met when she startled
him and caused him to injure himself by dropping a heavy shutter on his foot.
It turns out that Chakyna has the mystical power to reduce the swelling in
his foot {as well as a mystical power to INduce swelling elsewhere}. When
she speaks mysteriously of a way to thank her, Greywind jumps up and runs off
to change his clothes. He's a shy little feller. It's also evident that
elves lack comprehensive sex education or even access to the advice of Dr.
Ruth or the MTV talk shows. Instead, he gets advice from another local
mystic. Then he reveals his true love to Chakyna, and they live happily ever
after.
The emphasis in this story is much more heavily on magick and "mysticism"
than on sexual activity. I would have liked the emphasis to have been
reversed.
Ratings for "Mystical Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). At
first I was disappointed with this story. I was expecting a parody of the
Bob Newhart Show in which Bob plays a psychologist in Chicago. Instead I
found a parody of the more recent Bob Newhart Show, in which Bob plays a
writer who is also the owner of an Inn in New England. I wasn't as familiar
with the latter series, and so I expected that I wouldn't enjoy the parody as
much. I was very pleasantly surprised!
The plot is perfect; it actually fits in with the personalities and
mannerisms of the characters. Stephanie (the ditzy, lazy, rich girl who is a
maid but never does any work) develops a rivalry with Joanna, and to prove
her case she seduces Dick (the Bob Newhart character). In retaliation,
Joanna seduces Michael (Stephanie's preppie boyfriend). In further
retaliation, Joanna tricks Stephanie into having sex with Larry and his two
brothers (Daryl and Daryl). Finally, to make amends Joanna makes love to
Stephanie herself.
As I said, the parody is very well done. For example, it is easy to imagine
the Bob Newhart character reacting just the way the author shows him as he is
seduced by the young vixen. I strongly recommend this story.
Ratings for "Newhart"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Camp Nurse" by NightShade (dguthner@garden.net). Chris Mattson has
become the camp nurse at Camp Rah-Rah-Rah. This place is an all-girl
cheerleading camp, and the head administrator has stereotypically assumed
that all nurses - at least all nurses named Chris - would be female.
Actually, Chris is just over six feet tall, 180 lbs., and if he grew a
mustache, he would look like Tom Selleck, only better (because his cock is
4.5 inches longer than Tom's, I suppose) The other staff members are all
ex-cheerleaders for either a major University or a pro sport team, and there
isn't an ounce of excess weight on any of them. Imagine that.
So Chris the Nurse is confined to a luxury resort with a huge number of horny
teenagers who haven't seen their boyfriends for a month or so and a smaller
number of female staffers who are likewise in heat. As I understand it, he
winds up servicing about 30 people on an average night. They just come to
him in the dark, give him head or engage in some other kind of foreplay, and
then ride his ten-incher until he cums. Thirty times a night. They even line
up outside his door, waiting their turns. Imagine that.
In the midst of all these orgasms (and many more that I have not told you
about), a dilemma arises. Chris has been getting especially great sex from
one woman, but since she fucks him in the dark, he doesn't know who she is.
He asks her to reveal her identity. When she asks why he needs to know so
badly, he replies thusly: ""Because if you, the most incredible body I have
ever been with, are not who I want you to be, I would hurt you, and I don't
want that. Part of my feelings for you have to do with the things we do here,
understand? So I need you to tell me who you are. And it's not fair. You know
who I am. That way, if you're not my dream girl, at least I can pretend you
are and not hurt you." I guess that makes sense. However, the mystery woman
declines thusly: "There are 150 girls and women in this camp. All of them are
horny; some of them are even fucking the trees. If one woman was to claim as
her own the only prick for a hundred miles around, there would be a riot. A
big riot. Very messy. It would be better if, during the time at camp, there
weren't any sticky feelings around screwing up a good program. Can you live
with that?"
Wow! Hedonistic perverts certainly can be ethical when they want to be!
Chris Mattson is almost godlike in his heroic willingness to service the
needs of the poor wretches with whom he has been stranded. Sexual intimacy
with him almost invariably leads not only to almost continuous orgasms but
also to enhancement of the personality and possibly a reversal in lifestyle
from a state of misery to one of self-confident productivity. What a guy!
He'd probably do this work even if he didn't enjoy it.
Alt.sex.stories is an excellent forum for exchange of ideas. We'll ignore my
personal belief that maybe the best plan for a 14-year-old virgin with an
intact hymen would be simply to grow into a 15-year-old virgin with an intact
hymen. {An idea like that is rarely exchanged in this forum anyway. And even
if it's a good IDEA, it's not a good FANTASY.} But most stories on this
newsgroup advocate a gradual start; for example, they suggest that a girl
with a beginner's cunt should start with a 15-year-old boy with an ordinary
sized penis. In this story, on the other hand, Our Hero plunges right in -
literally. But the girls like it and say, "Thank you, Mr. Mattson." See
what I mean? There's room for debate here: should a girl that's just had her
cherry popped by the head nurse with a 10-inch cock really call him "Mr.
Mattson?" He's just an average guy doing the best he can.
During the process of deflowering 18 virgins on three successive nights,
Chris is told by one girl to stop just before her cherry pops. Why? Well,
because her father gives her routine physical checkups, and the old man will
be upset the next time he fondles her pussy if he discovers a broken hymen.
Chris and the Skipper (the camp administrator) are perplexed that such
exploitive behavior exists. Chris tells Muffy that he understands, and then
he gently fucks her in the ass. You know - you just don't find guys like
this in the real world!
Keep in mind that (as the disclaimer says) this is a work of fiction by a
twisted mind. Also keep in mind that there is no place in the world where
most of this is either legal or possible. Finally, keep in mind that this is
a very hot and creative story.
Ratings "The Camp Nurse"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded (A+ Story). A
month of so ago one of the readers asked me to review several stories from
rec.arts.erotica. That service, she noted, was coming back to life; and
since the stories there were screened, it seemed likely that they might be of
higher quality than ordinary alt.sex.stories entries. Enough is enough!
This story is about a man riding a nearly empty train car. There is a woman
with a crying baby riding the same car. When the baby cries to much, the
mother opens her double-jointed mouth and swallows the kid whole. The man
finds this incredibly erotic and masturbates while it happens.
This story reminds me of some of my own really interesting dreams. When I
used to awaken at 2:00 a.m. I used to think, "Wow! What a neat dream!" The
next morning I would vaguely recall the dream and say to myself, "I wish I
could remember that really great dream." My husband suggested that in order
to avoid additional losses to posterity, I should keep a notepad by the bed.
Two nights later I had another Really Great Dream. In the semi-asleep state
that accompanied my return from the bathroom, I wrote a few lines to remind
myself of the dream. The next morning I brought the notepad to the breakfast
table at eagerly read what I had written. It was nonsense; but it did serve
to remind me of the entire dream. The dream was also nonsense. It was a
really dumb dream that seemed interesting because I was too sleepy to be
critical. I think this kind of dream experience is fairly universal. But I
don't think these dreams are interesting enough to write down and post as
stories for others to read. Obviously, some people disagree with me. Eli
himself is a pretty good judge of stories, and Ray Velez liked it enough to
make it an A+ story. But I think it's a weird waste of time.
Ratings ""A Train Ride...
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
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