Message-ID: <6258eli$9712101235@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: <URL:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/6258.txt> From: <endemoniada@cryogen.com> Subject: Arthur J. Puddock -- Love Guru (M/F, Humour) Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d X-EveryThing: Net-Tamer 1.10 Unregistered Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: <usenet-approval@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded <story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Original-Message-Id: <199712092134.WAA12032@relay1.force9.net> ==================================================================== Arthur J. Puddock -- Love Guru (M/F, Humour) By endemoniada <endemoniada@cryogen.com> ==================================================================== Arthur stood by the bedroom door, his shadow stretched across the darkened room. A quiver of excitement passed through him as he looked across to the bed; the sexy blonde smiled back at him, a lurid streak of red lipstick smeared across her face. She was absolutely gorgeous. How she was going to suck his cock tonight! Oh, God, yes, he was rock hard tonight! She was really going to get it good from him, he could just tell! He crawled onto the bed and eased himself between her spread legs. She smiled back at him as he kissed her. "Ahhhhh," he groaned as he eased inside her slick pussy. "Oh, baby, that's nice." Still the blonde smiled back at him, enraptured by his powerful entry. Slowly he started to thrust inside her; the bedsprings started squeak, but just then there was a load popping sound. Uncermoniously, Arthur slid off of the blonde and fell onto the floor. "Goddamn it!" he cursed. "Another damn puncture." That was the third one this week. He picked himself up and looked down at the blonde--Luscious Linda was her name--lying prone on the bed. He gently stroked his hand over the cold plastic cover of her butt, now lumpy and soft to the touch. "Awww, honey, don't worry, I'll fix you up. You'll see, it'll be okay." And then he saw it, a large tear in her side, nearly three inches in diamter. He shuddered, his head dropped in despair. It was useless, he knew he wouldn't be able to patch her up. Linda had finally reached the end of her days. He lay back on the bad clutching his sadly deflated lover to his chest. That's it, no more inflatable sex for me, he thought to himself. I'm gonna get myself a real woman if it's the last thing I do. * * * * * The next day Arthur found himself nervously perched on a chair in the waiting room of Dr. Heinz Goebbels, the city's leading plastic surgeon. Last night's disaster had prompted Arthur to take immediate action: no longer could he live as half a man, doomed to have inflatable sex for the rest of his life. Besides, he reasoned, it was more than just sex. Luscious Linda wasn't much of a conversationalist, and he'd need someone to keep him company in his old age, when sex began to take a back seat in their relationship. The only words she'd ever said to him were "Ooohhhh", "Ahhhhhh", and "Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhh.....Unnnggghhh", and that was only when he remembered to change her batteries. And like a well brought up girl, she never spoke with her mouth full. The pretty receptionist called over to him. "Dr. Goebbels will see you now, sir." Arthur nodded and walked towards the door. He pushed it open and entered the office. A man seated in a leather recliner rose to greet him. They shook hands. "Good afternoon, Mr Puddock. I'm Dr. Goebbels, how can I help you?" The doctor motioned to him, "Take a seat, please." "Well," said Arthur, as he sat down, not knowing quite where to begin. "It's like this, doc. I have a problem with...well, you know....women. They just don't seem interested in me, and I think I know the reason why. It's because of this." Arthur then stood up and dropped his trousers in front of the doctor. Silence passed between the two for several seconds, the doctor deep in thought, his hand stroking his well sculpted chin as he looked at cruel joke Mother Nature had played on Arthur. "Hmmmmm," he said at last. "Yes, I can certainly see that you have a problem, Mr Puddock." He reached for a magnifying glass and bent closer to Arthur's groin. "However, not to worry, because I think that I can help you." "Yes, I know. That's what I was hoping. I saw your advertisement in the paper. I don't care what it costs, doc. I just need you to help me." "Certainly. We have a catalogue, if you'd care to browse through it." "Gee, thanks, doc," said Arthur gratefully. He accepted the catalogue and started to flick through the pages. He saw a variety of penises of all shapes and sizes, each with their own built in custom modifications. Fortunately he'd managed to arrange a second mortgage this morning, in expectation of the installation of his new equipment. He examined the photographs in turn. Six inches...no, that was much too short. Eight inches....no, what was he, a man or a mouse? Ten inches....oh, yes, he thought with excitement, that's a bit more like it! But then he saw it, the Holy Grail of penises, that which would turn him into the Ultimate Love God, that which would cause him to have normally perfectly sensible, intelligent women tear off their clothes, foam at the mouth and lust after him until their dying day. "That's it, doc," he said with a wide grin, as he pointed to the obscenely swollen phallus on the page. "That's the one I want." "The Zeus Orgasmatron Professional--it's the top of our range. Fourteen inches long and four and three quarter inches thick, guaranteed to stay hard for three hours straight. You've made an excellent choice, Mr Puddock. I'm sure you'll be very happy together." "How soon can you do it?" "It just so happens that we have a free slot this afternoon, Mr Puddock. If all goes well you should be ready to go home this evening. And don't worry about all of those horror stories you might have heard in the press lately. Our surgical procedures are extremely safe nowadays. Hardly anyone has died lately." He flashed Arthur a reassuring smile from his pearly white bridgework. * * * * * The operation had gone smoothly, and Arthur was now the proud owner of a Zeus Orgasmatron Professional--fourteen inches of the finest man meat ever to grace the earth. He was still a little groggy from the anaesthetic, and he tottered towards the mirror, eager to examine himself. He lifted his gown over his head and threw it to the floor. He gasped at the enormous swathe of white bandage that dangled between his legs. He looked around and noticed Dr. Goebbels was standing there. "Hi, doc, how did it go?" "Excellently, Mr Puddock. The operation was a complete success." "Can I look at it?" "Yes," said the doctor. "Although be careful when you take the bandages off, you might find yourself still a little sensitive." Arthur tore away at the bandages until his new penis was completely uncovered. His jaw dropped, he was stunned. Even in its flaccid state it was absolutely huge!--much bigger than his old penis had ever been when erect. A tear came to his eye. "That's wonderful, doc. That's really wonderful. How can I ever thank you?" He hugged the doctor warmly. Then remembering himself, quickly stepped back, adopting the appropriate masculine demeanour. Dr Goebbels wiped back a tear too; clearly it was an emotional moment for both men He had done a first class job. "No thanks is necessary, Mr. Puddock," he said. "I'm just happy that I can bring fulfilment to so many lives through my work." Yes, that was true, but so was the fact that Arthur had paid many thousands of dollars for his new penis. It would be enough for a downpayment on the doctor's new swimming pool. Arthur quickly dressed, thanked the doctor once more, and left the building. He whistled a happy tune as strode down the street, feeling his massive penis swing back and forth. Tonight was the night that he finally become a man. He was Arthur J. Puddock, Love Guru Extraordinaire. * * * * * Arthur searched through his closet, searching for just the right outfit to turn him into Mr. Irresistable. He finally decided upon a gold lame suit, a wide collared bright red shirt, and a pair of white cowboy boots with gold toecaps. He paced before his mirror, examining his natty attire. Truly he had an awesome sense of style, the women would be going absolutely crazy for him tonight. He'd be surprised if he didn't get laid at least seven or eight times. Then he caught a second glance of himself--still as handsome as ever, although there was something missing, something he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Then he remembered. Of course, it was obvious. He went across to his dresser and searched through a small wooden box, finally producing the item that would make him the object of every female's wildest (and hopefully most perverted) dreams. He held it up to the light, admiring its beauty as it gently twirled around. It was his lucky charm, the Travolta Disco Funk 2000 medallion, one of only five hundred ever produced--a true collector's item, as well as a bargain at $19.99. He chained it around his neck and opened the top five buttons of his shirt, giving pride of place to the medallion. There was a knock at the door. "Taxi for Mr. Puddock," a voice called. Arthur clicked off the light and strode, with confidence for the first time in his life, towards his apartment door. * * * * * Arthur opened the door and walked into the nightclub. Multi-coloured disco lights flashed overhead, wisps of smoke drifted lazily through the darkness, and a mass of couples were shaking their tushes on the dancefloor. It was just as he had imagined it would be. He'd died and gone to heaven. Everywhere he looked, his eyes connected with acres of bare female flesh; each and every one was more lovely than the last. This really was his lucky night, and with Zeus beside him he couldn't fail. Zeus responded, stretching himself out slightly in his underwear. It was then that Arthur saw her, the most incredible woman he had ever seen in his entire life. He couldn't believe his eyes. Standing not twenty feet away from him was Barbie Brabuster, nineteen years old, bleach blonde, tall, lithe, tanned, gorgeous, Oscar winning actress and all round Hollywood sexpot, famed for her classic portrayal of Sofia Semenovna Marmelodov, in the erotic re-make of Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment". With his newly acquired self-confidence he approached her. "Hi, my name's Arthur. You're Barbie Brabuster, Oscar winning actress and all round Hollywood sexpot, aren't you? Do you come here often?" Barbie shot a cursory glance at him, said with distaste. "Drop dead, creep. I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last man on earth." No matter, Arthur was unrankled by her dismissive tone. He was prepared for this. Time to put plan B into action. He dusted himself down, swept a comb through his greasy hair, and said with the air of man who spoke the gospel truth: "Hey, babe, I've got a fourteen inch penis." Barbie giggled, her enormous breasts jiggling as she did so. "Oh, why didn't you say so before? Well, in that case..." She ushered him towards the club door that he had only seconds ago stepped through. Thank you, God, this what I was born for, thought Arthur, sending a prayer skywards. Life had meaning after all. ***** Soon they were sipping champagne back at Barbie's exclusive, million dollar penthouse suite. No sooner than had they started to kiss, Arthur felt the first stirrings of life in his groin. Fired up by the obvious bulge in Arthur's trousers, Barbie quickly peeled off her clothes, threw them to the floor, and dragged Arthur to the bedroom. "Oooohhh," she said, "now let's see this whopper of yours." Arthur hastily undressed and stood naked before her. It was true, just like he'd said--he really did have a fourteen inch penis! "Oh, baby!" she squealed with delight. "Take me now! Stuff your monster cock inside me!" "Get ready for the night of your life, babe! Here it comes!" Arthur climbed onto the bed, his enormous purple headed penis bouncing up and down. Barbie lay before him, looking every inch like the nineteen year old Hollywood sexpot that she was, the nipples on her basketball sized breasts now fully erect at two and half inches long. Arthur gazed down at the gargantuan size of his own appendage, protruding out from beneath the bulge of his fat stomach. He pushed forward against Barbie, gasping as the tip of his monster brushed against her. All of a sudden he felt very peculiar, a little tired even. He sighed as a pleasant warmth rose throughout his entire body, and he felt himself start to relax. This was going to be great, the best night of his life! Then his vision blurred, grew darker and darker, until... He slumped into unconsciousness, felled by the unceasing demands of the mighty, throbbing love god between his legs. Dr. Goebbels had promised Arthur a fourteen inch penis, although he'd never actually said that Arthur would be able to *use* it. Barbie sighed and pushed Arthur off of her. He was now fast asleep by her side, his penis quickly shrinking. She reached over to the dresser by the bed, put on her glasses and picked up a dusty tome. "Oh well, guess I'll just have to work on my thesis tonight." end. ==================================================================== -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us | | Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | <http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/><http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/faq.html>