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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: Celestial Reviews 175 - April 19
X-Is-Review: yes
Celestial Reviews 175 - April 19, 1997
Note: I have been compiling a list of tenuous assumptions that occur in
a.s.s. stories (in addition to the standard disclaimer that the events
depicted in these stories occur in a world in which AIDS and other sexually
transmitted diseases do not exist, unwanted pregnancies do not occur, and
nobody suffers emotional damage from sexual abuse). I thought I should share
my list with you. If you have additions or comments, please post them or
send them to me.
Celestial List of Credulous Assumptions:
1. It is usually possible for a woman to estimate the size of a man's fully
engorged cock by gazing at his crotch when he is unaroused and fully dressed.
2. Without the use of scientific instruments men can easily estimate the
size of women's breasts from across the room, even if the woman is fully
dressed. {Actually, this is no big deal, since nearly all attractive women
have 38DD bust sizes anyway.}
3. Blondes are as bright and sexy as most other women.
4. Most women would intensely enjoy sexual contact with another woman, but
most men would not enjoy sexual contact with another man, even if cultural
biases were eliminated.
5. Children who have sex with their parents normally enjoy this activity and
grow up to be emotionally mature bookworms who contribute to science and to
world peace.
6. Ditto for sex with older siblings, kindly neighbors, and random
strangers.
5a & 6a. When sons, daughters, little brothers, or little sisters ask
questions about sex, the best way to answer their questions is to show them,
using their bodies as part of the demonstration.
7. When a spouse or lover catches his/her partner having sex with someone
else, the typical response is to join in.
8. Women ordinarily have multiple orgasms during every fulfilling sexual
encounter.
9. Men can usually have sex several times a day for several days in a row.
8a & 9a. Women and men that can do so are happier and better sex partners
than those who have fewer orgasms.
10. Kids can go blind if they masturbate too often. {Ooops. That one
belongs on an alt.religion newsgroup!}
11. Kids who do not masturbate at least daily are severely disturbed.
12. It is important to pop a person's cherry before she gets out of high
school {or gets into high school, has her first date, gets married, buys her
first car, etc.}
13. Women typically enjoy getting raped, once they get over their
inhibitions.
14. Men who force women to have sex with them are sexy.
15. People can be turned into sex slaves by college kids who read a chapter
in a psych book.
16. If you ever get turned into a sex slave, it will be the best thing that
ever happened to you.
17. The average male ejaculation shoots at least 12 inches through the air.
18. Most women ejaculate at least a pint of luscious fluid during an
enjoyable sexual experience.
19. Most people get turned on when their partner treats them with extreme
cruelty for their own personal gratification.
20. Most black men have "monster cocks." These 12- to 14-inch penises will
thrill any pussy (or other aperture) lucky enough to receive one. Black
women, however, do not have "monster cunts," nor do they appear to be all
that interested in the genitalia of their black brethren. Hence the
reciprocal fondness between black men and white women, especially those known
as sluts.
21. The family that fucks together stays together.
22. It's more fun to have sexual intercourse when there's a genuine risk of
pregnancy. Offspring resulting from unprotected intercourse of minors tend
to be sexy bookworms by the time they reach middle school.
23. Nuns {and English teachers, librarians, etc.} are really sexual dynamos.
24. Ain't nothing wrong with most frigid women that a riding crop won't
cure.
25. Guys who go without underpants and have sex several times a day do not
develop a nasty rash.
26. The customary sequence of teenage sexual experiences is first petting,
then oral sex, then anal sex, then vaginal sex.
27. Male doctors get their rocks off during physical examinations of female
patients. Female doctors have multiple orgasms whenever they examine a
beautiful person of either sex.
Second Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my stories for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Lingerie Salesman" by Mike Hunt (voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
"A Birthday Wish" by Pinkmun (serial gangbang orgy) 9, 7, 7
"Feet Are Neat" by Mike Hunt (shoe store sex) 10, 10, 10
"Camp Nurse" by NightShade (stud stranded in cheerleader
heaven) 10, 10, 10
"Set Free by Slavery" by Baron Eros (sex slavery &
exhibitionism) 9.5, 9, 7
"The Ferris Wheel" by K. Reber (amusement park sex) 9, 9, 9
"Yesterday" by Sven the Elder (romance) 10, 9, 9
"Amazonia" by Tom Bombadil (stranded on an island with
naked women) 10, 10, 10
"I Learn to Think, or, Fun with Dick and Brain" by Estragon
(hilarious philosophical insights) 10, 10, 10
* "Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (romance) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"The Lingerie Salesman" by Mike Hunt (M1KE HUNT@aol.com). In this episode
Mike Hunt is selling insurance, when he meets a woman in a bar who sells
lingerie door-to-door. In a moment of inspiration, he decides to try this
line of work himself, and so he obtains a bunch of samples and steals a name
for the other saleswoman's list. His first attempt at making a sale is
immensely successful - from both a financial and voyeuristic perspective. In
addition, he manages to get some pretty good ass.
That day the insurance lost a salesman. Mike started selling lingerie
door-to-door. He made a lot of sales; but three months later he declared
bankruptcy. It's tough to make a living when you can only get it up for one
or two appointments a day.
Ratings "The Lingerie Salesman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Birthday Wish" by Pinkmun (pinkmun@aol.com). For her 25th birthday the
woman wants to be fucked 25 times - a different guy for each year. Her
boyfriend Sam says OK, and they do it. Sam has interviewed all 25; they all
wear condoms; and she takes them one at a time, so that she can enjoy them
all. Whenever a guy shoots on her chest (permissible if he can withdraw and
remove the condom in time), Sam wipes her clean with a warm, damp towel,
dries her and then calls for the next man. Sam also supplies lubricant for
gentlemen preferring anal entry. This may sound like a really wild orgy, but
trying to compress that many orgasms into a single story is not easy. At
times this story read more like the Book of Lists - or maybe Leviticus - than
a sex story. But it was still an interesting idea.
Ratings "A Birthday Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Feet Are Neat" by Mike Hunt (M1KE HUNT@aol.com). Every job has its perks,
and for the shoe salesman the main perk is the fact that occasionally a sexy
woman comes into the store and flirts with or exposes herself to the
salesman. I've never thought about it before, but I guess the salesman could
fondle some pretty attractive legs from time to time and probably catch a
glance of some sexy panties - if the customer happens to be wearing any. In
this story, however, Mike Hunt is kind of naive; the high-schooler enjoys the
spectacle, but he doesn't realize that the customer (a sexy older woman) is
coming on to him. He gets wise about the time she brings him to climax with
her foot against his crotch. This is a very good story about exhibitionism
and voyeurism in the ole shoe store.
I just saw a notice in this author's repost of "The O'Stikkit Inn." Mike
Hunt is going to be on vacation and unavailable for a couple of weeks. I'm
afraid to say that sentence out loud: my husband might go into a state of
depression. Anyway, the author and his lewd and lascivious but lithe and
lovely little lady June will be driving through the American Southeast. If
you're in that area, you might get lucky and spot them - actually, you might
spot them and get lucky. You can easily recognize them from the descriptions
of Mike Hunt provided in these stories.
One good way to figure out where they're likely to be is to anticipate the
title of the next story. For example, if you were driving past a place
called the "O'Stikkit Inn," that would be a major clue, because "O'Stikkit
Inn by Mike Hunt" is a pun that conveys a sexual innuendo, and this author
can't survive without that sort of thing. You might think that since that
title is already taken the couple will now avoid inns of that name, but
that's not true: " O'Stikkit Inn by Mike Hunt 2" would be another excellent
pun. Personally, if I were driving past the residence of Seymour Heine, I'd
knock on the door and ask for Mike Hunt. If the person answering the door
acts confused, just shout the password : "O'Stikkit Inn." If the person is
nasty, you may consider mooning him while you utter these words; and if you
are a female, it would be appropriate to add the author's name. Then you'll
get the reception you deserve.
Ratings "Feet Are Neat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Camp Nurse" by NightShade (dguthner@garden.net). Chris Mattson has
become the camp nurse at Camp Rah-Rah-Rah. This place is an all-girl
cheerleading camp, and the head administrator has stereotypically assumed
that all nurses - at least all nurses named Chris - would be female.
Actually, Chris is just over six feet tall, 180 lbs., and if he grew a
mustache, he would look like Tom Selleck, only better (because his cock is
4.5 inches longer than Tom's, I suppose) The other staff members are all
ex-cheerleaders for either a major University or a pro sport team, and there
isn't an ounce of excess weight on any of them. Imagine that.
So Chris the Nurse is confined to a luxury resort with a huge number of horny
teenagers who haven't seen their boyfriends for a month or so and a smaller
number of female staffers who are likewise in heat. As I understand it, he
winds up servicing about 30 people on an average night. They just come to
him in the dark, give him head or engage in some other kind of foreplay, and
then ride his ten-incher until he cums. Thirty times a night. They even line
up outside his door, waiting their turns. Imagine that.
In the midst of all these orgasms (and many more that I have not told you
about), a dilemma arises. Chris has been getting especially great sex from
one woman, but since she fucks him in the dark, he doesn't know who she is.
He asks her to reveal her identity. When she asks why he needs to know so
badly, he replies thusly: ""Because if you, the most incredible body I have
ever been with, are not who I want you to be, I would hurt you, and I don't
want that. Part of my feelings for you have to do with the things we do here,
understand? So I need you to tell me who you are. And it's not fair. You know
who I am. That way, if you're not my dream girl, at least I can pretend you
are and not hurt you." I guess that makes sense. However, the mystery woman
declines thusly: "There are 150 girls and women in this camp. All of them are
horny; some of them are even fucking the trees. If one woman was to claim as
her own the only prick for a hundred miles around, there would be a riot. A
big riot. Very messy. It would be better if, during the time at camp, there
weren't any sticky feelings around screwing up a good program. Can you live
with that?"
Wow! Hedonistic perverts certainly can be ethical when they want to be!
Chris Mattson is almost godlike in his heroic willingness to service the
needs of the poor wretches with whom he has been stranded. Sexual intimacy
with him almost invariably leads not only to almost continuous orgasms but
also to enhancement of the personality and possibly a reversal in lifestyle
from a state of misery to one of self-confident productivity. What a guy!
He'd probably do this work even if he didn't enjoy it.
Alt.sex.stories is an excellent forum for exchange of ideas. We'll ignore my
personal belief that maybe the best plan for a 14-year-old virgin with an
intact hymen would be simply to grow into a 15-year-old virgin with an intact
hymen. {An idea like that is rarely exchanged in this forum anyway. And even
if it's a good IDEA, it's not a good FANTASY.} But most stories on this
newsgroup advocate a gradual start; for example, they suggest that a girl
with a beginner's cunt should start with a 15-year-old boy with an ordinary
sized penis. In this story, on the other hand, Our Hero plunges right in -
literally. But the girls like it and say, "Thank you, Mr. Mattson." See
what I mean? There's room for debate here: should a girl that's just had her
cherry popped by the head nurse with a 10-inch cock really call him "Mr.
Mattson?" He's just an average guy doing the best he can.
During the process of deflowering 18 virgins on three successive nights,
Chris is told by one girl to stop just before her cherry pops. Why? Well,
because her father gives her routine physical checkups, and the old man will
be upset the next time he fondles her pussy if he discovers a broken hymen.
Chris and the Skipper (the camp administrator) are perplexed that such
exploitive behavior exists. Chris tells Muffy that he understands, and then
he gently fucks her in the ass. You know - you just don't find guys like
this in the real world!
Keep in mind that (as the disclaimer says) this is a work of fiction by a
twisted mind. Also keep in mind that there is no place in the world where
most of this is either legal or possible. Finally, keep in mind that this is
a very hot and creative story.
Ratings "The Camp Nurse"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Set Free by Slavery" by Baron Eros (baroneros@aol.com). The woman has
finally left her husband and has agreed to become the slave of her new lover.
As they ride toward the top of a high-rise building in a glass elevator, the
"master" decides to humiliate her sexually in front of an audience. He stops
the elevator between floors and molests her in ways that appear to be
degrading but also very arousing in the mind of the woman. The rest of the
people in the elevator serve as an interested and aroused audience. "And
though his eyes were hard, she could see the love and adoration he held for
her, his slave."
The story is clearly written and conveys an effective impact. Keep that in
mind, as I add the following analysis.
I don't mean to pick on this particular author. However, recent news events
have put the notion of "cults" in my mind. When I see on television and read
about 39 people who commit suicide because a cult leader tells them that
something good will happen to them, I can't help feeling that there's
something misguided about a person surrendering his or her will to that of
another. As I reread this story, I imagined that the woman was joining a
religious cult instead of entering a slave/master relationship; and as far as
I could see all I had to do was change sexual behavior to quasi-religious
beliefs, and the plot still made perfect sense. A logical question arises:
if cults are dumb ideas, how are degrading slave relationships any better?
When I read a story, I like to be able to say to myself, "Yeah, that makes
sense." When I read about the San Diego cultists who killed themselves in
expectation of catching the next flight to paradise on a spaceship following
a comet, I said to myself, "I can understand why they might have felt that
way, but people like that are pathetic." The cultists thought they were
setting themselves free by turning their will over to someone else. I feel
sorry for people that think that way. I got the same feeling from this
story.
Actually, I think maybe I am a little too hard on the cultists. I haven't
heard their side of the story; maybe it's not all that stupid to sign your
life over to a guru who promises eternal salvation. But as I read a story
like this, I DO get an insight into what the author wants me to believe is
going on in the mind of the slave, and I can't help reacting by feeling that
she's being conned - she's losing a lot more than she can possibly gain from
the relationship.
Again, this is actually a pretty good story. I felt that I was able to
vicariously experience what was happening in the story, and I can't ask for
much more than that from an author. If the author is telling me that this is
a shallow person who THINKS she has been "set free" by slavery, he has
achieved his purpose. On the other hand, if he is trying to tell me that
this is a person who REALLY has been "set free" by slavery, then he has not
made his case to me as an intelligent outsider. In the second case, other
readers who are already into the slavery myth and who simply want to see the
slavery ritual repeated in a unique setting will possibly enjoy this story;
but if the author wants to show outsiders like myself (and probably most
other readers of this newsgroup) that this person really has been set free in
some legitimate sense, then he has fallen short of making his point.
Ratings "Set Free by Slavery"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Ferris Wheel" by K. Reber (krreber@ix.netcom.com). The two lovers go
for a ride on the Ferris wheel, and the ride gets stuck while they're at the
top. Since she's not wearing her panties anyway, they make love, right there
in the open, with the chair swinging back and forth fifty feet above the
ground. Not quite the mile-high club, but still pretty good. Is this really
safe?
Ratings "The Ferris Wheel"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Yesterday" by Sven the Elder (warthog@boxtwo.com). The man and women, who
are both at least middle-aged, meet after not being together for a long time.
Her husband has recently passed away. They used to be lovers, and they talk
so long that the last train to the city has left, and he has to stay
overnight. Then nature takes its course.
Ratings "Yesterday"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Amazonia" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com) As in a scene from a B movie,
Tom Largent is kidnapped by a shady character, who forces Tom to fly him to
an island. After the bad guy parachutes to his apparent demise, Tom himself
is forced to crash land on a desolate island, apparently somewhere in the
general area of Polynesia. The unique aspect of the island is that it
appears to be occupied solely by women - by women who require Tom to service
them sexually. Is this an adolescent's wet dream? Is this paradise? Well,
at the very least it's an extremely interesting story. I won't tell you any
more details. Read it yourself. This is another good story.
Ratings "Amazonia"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"I Learn to Think, or, Fun with Dick and Brain" by Estragon (rgt@well.com).
I nearly died laughing while I read this story. I have never been an
adolescent boy, but this HAS to be how they think when they encounter the
first intelligent and attractive female who has authority over them. The
story is written in the format of a journal for a philosophy class - a class
that discusses how people think. Sounds boring; but it's not. The author
comes up with some bizarre insights that are so crazy that they simply MUST
be true.
As I read the story I could see the philosophy course syllabus unfolding in
front of me. For example, the most likely reason a student would compare his
thinking about the TA to lumpy shadows on the wall of a cave would be because
he had just encountered that topic {Platonic images, not TA's} in the course
syllabus.
One interesting thought that is NOT explored in the story is the fact that
since the journal is written FOR Ms Altman, then she'll obviously have to
read what the writer has written; and it's fun to speculate about what her
reaction will be.
Incidentally, my favorite philosophical cartoon may be apropos here. It
shows a philosophy professor writing on the chalk board, "I think, therefore
I am." The student in the back row leans over and whispers to the scholar
next to him, "Oh, no! We don't even exist!" Think about that one, Ms
Altman! Then there's the graffiti from the library restroom: "Coito, ergo
suk." The general concept is probably true, but it's bad Latin.
Ratings for "I Learn to Think"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (drambo@primenet.com). No offense to any of the other
authors, but at the time I first read it this was the BEST STORY I had yet
reviewed during my first six months of reviewing stories for this newsgroup.
It received my number 1 rating in my list of the Top 100 Stories of 1995.
After reading this story, I tracked down many other stories written by this
author (perhaps all of them). He has a distinctive style, and there's a
pattern to his stories. Almost always a guy screws up a relationship and
eventually redeems himself years later by coming to the aid of the woman whom
he has always loved deep down in his heart and making sexy but tender love to
her. If that sounds familiar, it's because that basic plot is actually a
combination of (1) typical TV and movie romances plus (2) what you'd REALLY
like the protagonists to do - or what you assume in your perverted mind they
do during the fade-outs. If you like romance with your sex, read this
story!
Ratings for "Lynn"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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