Message-ID: <6116eli$9712041551@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: <URL:http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/Year97/6116.txt> From: MrM1KE@aol.com Subject: Issue#1: The YARbook-Yet Another Reviewer Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: <usenet-approval@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded <story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Original-Message-ID: <971204042520_246597825@mrin52.mail.aol.com> I have decided (after careful consideration and due reflection) that most authors don't get enough feedback. Obviously the best way to provide author feedback is with a bunch of big fat pompous opinions published here for everyone else to see, too. Having seen the explosion of people vain enough to think I care about their views, I have decided to begin reviewing things also. As everyone mostly already knows, I enjoy giving my opinion, even when it hasn't been solicited, so doing reviews seems like it might be a good occupation for me. You ask: DO WE NEED EVEN MORE REVIEWS? Good question. And I'm glad you capitalized it to catch my attention! The answer in a moment, but first a word from my sponsor: * * * * * Want to read some really GREAT stories? Visit the M1KE HUNT website at: http://members.aol.com/mrm1ke Be sure to drop a nickel in the token box on your way through. All profits during the month of December go to the "I'm so fucking dumb I had 7 kids and now I'm a millionaire" fund. * * * * * OK. WHY ME? you ask. Another good question. I'm not avoiding the first good question, I just thought of this one, so I'll answer it first. First, (oh, I already said that): I know ENGLISH. Also: I read stories. And: if you can believe it, the stories I read are in ENGLISH! Not to mention: Sometimes they're sexual in nature. Also: I have lots of free time. Plus: I have absolutely nothing better to do. But MOST IMPORTANT!: I have a SHIFT key. OK. Now that we know a little about WHY ME? there are undoubtedly other questions that spring to mind. For instance: HOW DO YOU RATE THE STORIES? Another simple answer. If I like them, I rate them good. If I don't like them, I don't. I was going to use a more complicated 1,000 point scale, with cross referenced letters and logarithmic notation gauge, but I was afraid I might hurt an author's feelings if I gave a 87, 4.3n100, B- for a particular story, so instead I'll just say "IT SUCKED". Of course that might be on just one aspect of the story, for instance, on "formatting". The story might rate much higher in other categories such as: plot development, swimsuit competition, or congeniality. There are 472 categories in all. I will also be using the "rate good" or "rate bad" methodology for each, except when the lower third of the categories, such as "cleanliness" and "bravery" are not relevant or follow the general trend of the previous 318 categories; in those cases I will just say "IT SUCKED". Also, if a story doesn't pass the Peter-Meter test, then I will just say "IT SUCKED", unless it is actually about "sucking" in which case I will say "it sucked", using lower-case letters to draw attention to the differentiation between my review and a story excerpt. If, however, the author wrote "IT SUCKED" in all capital letters, then I will be forced to do so, even though this might cause confusion; however I will do my best to avoid this problem by noting the problem before you read it, thereby alerting you to the problem before it becomes a problem. Clear? Anyway, I like stories about "sucking", so if you want a good review, write a story that uses "sucked" a lot, but don't capitalize it, or I will give you points off, and might even give you the dreaded "IT SUCKS" review. OK. Next, it's important to know how I choose stories to review. Or, in question mark form: HOW DO YOU CHOOSE STORIES TO REVIEW? Simple. I sign-on to AOL, then use keyword "Newsgroups" and then just click the mouse a lot. Eventually I end up with some stories. Occasionally I get some dirty jokes, and once I even got part of an e-mail to RalphForester@ATTWorldnet.com, which was pretty cool. By accident I got into a Rush Limbaugh room once, and that was scary, let me tell you. In fact, IT SUCKED! So anyway, if you have a story you want me to review, keep it to yourself. I have enough of my own, and what with the holidays coming up, I can hardly be expected to read your crap. Any stories sent directly to me will be immediately discarded, and you will get a review of just two words. See if you can guess which two. OK. That's enough of the rules and regulations for now. In fact, I've taken up most of this post with that stuff, which is unfortunate, because I hardly have any room left to review stories. So I better get started: "I Am M1KE's Dick" - by M1KE HUNT. What a GREAT story! It even got a good review from Lady Cyrrh, who's another reviewer around here. (Just thought I'd mention it in case somehow you didn't know.) However it's hardly a story at all because it's just a collection of memos and letters and stuff, and the sex is really crappy. Hardly any sex at all, actually. As Lady Cyrrh noted, it's a takeoff of the Reader's Digest stories like "I Am Joe's Thumb", except it's not really because it's not an article, and it barely mentions M1KE's dick. It *never* mentions Joe's Thumb. Anyway, it's a cute story, but it fails the important Pecker-Checker test, so "IT SUCKED". OK. "Pushing The Envelope" by Jordan Shelbourne. What can you say? This guy could probably be a pretty good writer, except when he tries to use words to form sentences. Think I'm being too harsh? Read this story, and see if you don't agree! IT SUCKED. Nothing personal, fella, but next time don't forget the comma in the 4th sentence of the 5th paragraph on page 3 of part 2. OK. "Lament of a Failing Zero" - by Malinov. Like this mope is afraid to have his work reviewed, but goes mouthing off to every other writer around about how many hours they should sit at the keyboard. Well, just one thing, Mr-Advice-To-The-Aspiring-Writer, GROW UP! Everybody reviews everything all the time. Most just don't write it down and publish it. Tell me the last time you walked through the mall you didn't say to yourself "Nice tits!" "Ugly face" "Fat ass" and so on. And that was just in the men's room! Ho ho ho. Anyway, don't get so uptight about people reviewing things. It's what people do. Um, good pizza. Yuk, salty cum. See? No need to respond to this particular review, because not only did your "zero" get a zero, IT SUCKED. And I can guess what your review of my review about your review of reviewers would get. OK. "As The Paige Turns" - by Hawk Richards (version 2,342). IT STILL SUCKED! Nuff said. OK. "polyandrium reviews" by the future polyandrium. do i need to say it/ 9that slash should have been a question mark, but i'm not using the shift key for this review.0 'it sucks'. i beg your pardon, i should have noted that the lower case use of 'it sucks' is 8not8 a story excerpt but the review, in contravention to my convention of using capitalized 'it sucks' for reviews and lower case 'it sucks' for story excerpts. i didn't confuse anyone did i / well this is a pretty good effort for a beginner, especially considering how illiterate it is. but it still sucked. ok "The Critical Review" by Roseymarymaryquitecontrary. Rosey bashed a few stories in Issue #1, took a little heat, threw herself over the cliff, came back from the dead, and has published Issue #2. Hopefully she will kill herself again, twice, because IT SUCKED. IT SUCKED. If she publishes Issue #3 I can predict "IT SUCKED IT SUCKED IT SUCKED" as the headline for my review of her reviews. Speaking of reviewing things, would anyone like to hear what I think about Christmas shopping, or maybe cleaning the dirty Thanksgiving dishes or even driving in rush hour traffic? I'm just bursting with all these opinions, you know. I'm going to study my thesaurus for a while, looking for synonyms for "sucked" and then write some more. Please look for the next issue of "Yet Another Reviewer", probably as soon as I finish my Christmas shopping, shipping, wrapping and rapping, merry and Mary-making, not to mention singing and dancing. I would have added fucking and sucking, but I'm about sucked out. M1KE Oh, I forgot to add the mandatory Reviewer's Joke: (courtesy of Boy's Life) Why did the gay chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. 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