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Subject: {ASS} RP: "First Love" by unknown author, ch.22-48 (mf teen, story, love)
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Chapter 22
They were talking on the phone one night, and he mentioned that
he was going away for a week, with his dad.
"What for?"
"Oh, just to go see some family and stuff. He said I could go,
and maybe look at some schools around there."
"Oh, I'm gonna miss you!"
"Yeah, I'll miss you too."
"When are you going?"
"Um. . . Like, the 12th to the 18th I think. I'll have to check
on it."
"Wow, you get to miss school. Hey that's the week Danny comes
down. You're gonna miss him!"
"Oh no. I'd better stay then!" he teased.
"Come on," she laughed. "He's my friend. You don't feel jealous
do you?"
"Nah, I'm just kiddin' you."
"Good. Is the rest of your family staying here?"
"Yeah, they're gonna stay."
"Oh, is it man-to-man bonding time?" she teased.
He laughed. "Yeah, we're gonna go fishing, and build furniture,
and go to some topless bars. . . "
"Uh, I think not!" she commanded, laughing.
"You know I'm just kiddin'," he laughed.
*****
The last night Danny was there he promised he'd spend it just
with Jen. After all, she was the best friend he still had down there, he
had told her. They went out to dinner, then wound up back at her house,
watching a movie with her parents.
Jen was hoping her parents wouldn't say anything like, "Oh Jen!
Where's Ryan?" teasing, to embarrass her. She felt a bit weird with him,
being alone with him in the restaurant and in the car. She would never
cheat on Ryan, but still, she felt tingly inside, like maybe there was
still some chemistry between Danny and her. He didn't have a girlfriend,
and of course in a way *she* had sort of broken up with him. . . Maybe
he still liked her like that? She was wondering if he still regretted
their break-up. Anyway it just felt nice to maybe have someone like her,
making her feel attractive, even if she wasn't planning on doing anything
with him.
After the movie her parents retreated to their bedroom, and Danny
and Jen went back to hers. Dana called and they talked for awhile while
he looked at all her yearbooks and photo albums. Finally she hung up,
turning to him on the bed.
"What are you looking at?"
"This is a good picture of you," he told her, pointing to one picture.
She looked at it. "Oh, yeah, that was freshman year
Homecoming." She felt bad after she said it, though really she didn't
have a reason to. After all, it was just one dance of many she and Ryan
had been to. Of course, if things had turned out a bit differently she
and Danny might have gone together instead. . .
He nodded, looking at it intently. He looked over, and gave her
a quick smile.
She smiled back, picking up a photo album of her own to look over.
"Gosh, what would have happened if we had never broken up?" he
asked her lightly, but Jen could tell though that under his tone he was
dead serious, but only trying to seem nonchalant.
"Hmm, I don't know," she answered vaguely.
"You probably don't ever regret it though," he said, still not
looking at her.
She shrugged. "Well, I wouldn't say I don't regret what
happened, but, well, I don't know." Why did she say that? She did
know. But she was trying to spare his feelings; she didn't want him to
be hurt by saying she was glad they had broken up.
He looked over at her again. Both of them were laying on their
stomachs on the bed. "I regret it everyday," he told her quietly.
She stared down at the pictures in front of her. "Really?" she
asked him.
"Yeah, sure," he said.
"Well, you know, you moved away, so it actually worked out for
the best," she said.
He looked back down. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But I
probably could have stayed with my dad down here, if I threw a big enough
fit. If I had a reason to stay."
She shrugged, unable to make eye contact with him. Why was it so
uncomfortable?
"Oh well," he said. "I guess you don't care."
She looked over. "No, Danny! I do care!"
"No you don't," he muttered.
"Danny! Come on, don't be like that. I do care!"
He looked at her, his face only inches from hers. "Really?" he asked.
I should sit up or something, she thought. But she didn't.
"Yeah," she said, giving him a smile.
He smiled back, looking her face over, then leaned in. Pull
away, she commanded herself, but she didn't. It happened too fast;
before she knew it their lips were touching. An electric tingle shot
through her body from the kiss, and with her eyes closed, for a moment
she didn't think it was wrong at all. Then he opened his mouth against
hers gently, and she jerked away, her eyes flying open. He turned away
from her.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
She didn't say anything, just lay there. Her mind was spinning.
"I'm sorry. It just happened. I didn't mean to kiss you," he
told her, still looking at the wall. "I know you have a boyfriend. . . "
"Yeah. I have Ryan," she murmured. For the first time Ryan
didn't seem so invincible.
They lay there for a minute, neither saying anything. Then Danny
jumped up.
"Aright!" he said. "Okay, now I can run away and we can both
feel really guilty and really shitty forever. Or we can just stay
friends and laugh about it?"
She smiled, nodding. She felt relieved that he wasn't going to
get mad and run away. But she still felt horrible inside, and she knew
he was probably upset too, but trying to act like he didn't care. She
felt grateful for that.
"Aright, it sounds good to me. Sound good to you?" he asked.
She laughed. "Sounds good to me!"
"Cool." He leaned in and gave her a huge hug. "So, our evening
isn't ruined?"
"No, of course not! The night's still young!"
They both laughed. Jen still felt awkward, of course, but she
knew he was right. It hadn't meant anything, and she hadn't cheated on
Ryan because she hadn't kissed him: he had kissed her, and she had pulled
away.
They talked for awhile, laughing and joking about people they
knew and various things they had done while apart. And they got serious,
discussing personal things like their families, and she told him about
Ryan and arguments they had gotten in, and sweet things he had done for
her. Danny talked about a girl that went to his school that he really
liked, but how she was really hung up on another guy who didn't feel the
same. Jen gave him advice, and they lay on her bed talking for a long while.
Finally, her dad knocked on the door. "Jen? When is Danny
leaving so I can close the gate?"
She looked at Danny. "Um, he's probably gonna be here awhile.
He might just stay the night."
Her dad raised an eyebrow.
"Dad!" Jen said. "Come on, don't worry about it! I'm not gonna
cheat on Ryan!" She rolled her eyes.
"Aright. The guest room has sheets on the bed," he told them.
He left and they laughed. They talked for awhile longer, until
they both began to yawn.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to throw you in the guest room," Jen
told him. "All my friends sleep in my bed when they sleep over." Maybe
she was just flirting with him, or maybe she was just trying to prove how
much willpower she had.
"Oh, well, as long as you can control yourself young lady!"
They both laughed, getting ready for bed.
"Aright," Jen ordered, pointing. "Now, this is *your* half, and
this is *my* half!"
"Oh, well you know, I only sleep in my boxers so you will have to
keep your hands to yourself."
"Well, *I'm* only sleeping in my T-shirt," she told him.
"Oh, yeah, like, as *if*!" he told her sarcastically, making a
face as they tumbled into bed. "Don't flatter yourself Jen!"
"Oh, sorry!" she laughed.
"You know," he told her as they lay in the dark. "I've had
better offers at the zoo!"
"Yeah, well I've had better offers at the state mental institution."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. Your mother was pretty disappointed when I told her no!"
He burst out laughing, and they both traded insults until they
fell asleep.
*****
Jen woke up, her mind fuzzy. She looked over, and jumped to see
the curtains moving. She hadn't locked her door. She froze, thinking it
was a burglar.
The moonlight shined in brighter as the curtains were drawn back,
and she breathed a sigh of relief as she saw Ryan standing in the
doorway. Only half awake, she turned away for a second, then jerked out
of sleep. Danny was next to her, what if Ryan thought. . .
He stood frozen as he stared down at the bed, the male figure
next to her naked for all he knew.
Jen sat up on her knees. "Ryan! You're back!" she exclaimed,
trying to sound excited. He knew she would never cheat on him, didn't he?
But he was only staring down at Danny, who was just now stirring.
"I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow night," she
told him. She still tried to sound cheerful, not like someone who had
done something wrong. After all, she *hadn't* done anything wrong. . .
He looked at her for a second, too dark for her to see his eyes,
then he turned around and walked out of the open door.
"Ryan, wait!" she cried, almost falling on the floor as she
jumped off her bed. She ran out into the cold night, barefoot and
barelegged, after him.
She reached him before he got out of her driveway and to his car
on the street, where he always parked when he came over in the night.
She grabbed his arms, trying to stop his brisk walking.
"Ryan! Ryan, stop!" He kept walking, pushing her away. "Will
you just stop?!?" she cried, jumping in front of him and trying to hold
him still. "Ryan," she whined. "We didn't do anything! It's not what
it looks like!"
He shook his head. "Get out of my face!" he told her angrily,
pushing her away from him as he kept walking.
"No!" she cried, grabbing him again and pulling on his shirt as
she planted her feet on the driveway. He dragged her, and her ankle
twisted, skinning her heal on the blacktop. She let out a yelp, then
yanked him back as hard as she could. "Listen to me!" she cried. "If we
have a relationship, then you will fucking listen to me!"
He pulled away, turning around and walking backward, shaking his
head at her. "I guess we don't have a relationship!" he snapped. "You
wanna fuck him? Yeah?" She shook her head, crying. "Well you can go
finish fucking him!" he yelled. "I'm leaving!"
"We didn't do anything!" she screamed. "Ryan, no!" she sobbed,
running out into the street after him, throwing her arms around his waist
as he fumbled for his keys. She turned him around roughly and grabbed
his face, making her look at him. He clenched his jaw, and a tear slowly
rolled down each of his cheeks.
"We didn't do *anything*!" she told him, in his face. "He's my
friend, he stayed over. Nothing, okay. Nothing! Look Ryan," she
begged, pulling up her T-shirt. "Underwear! Look, underwear. . . " she
whispered.
He stared down at her, then pulled away and leaned against his
car. He wiped his eyes. "You promise me, you didn't do anything?"
"I promise!"
"Nothing?!? You didn't so much as kiss him?!?"
She dropped her eyes, looking down at his hand which she clutched
in her own. She didn't answer him, her mind spinning. She should just
lie, but no, if he found out, he. . .
He stared at her, then pushed her hand away. "You fucking kissed
him!" he said fiercely.
"Well, I, no. . ." she began. She could lie, but he would know.
"No, he kissed me!"
"God!" he shouted, opening the car door angrily.
"No, Ryan!" she cried. "No! He kissed me! I told him no!
Ryan, stay!" she screamed as he got in his car.
He turned to face her. "Get out of my face Jen!" he told her.
"Get out of my fucking face!" he yelled at her, starting the car and
slamming the door shut.
She banged on the door, crying, "Ryan! I love you! Stop! We
didn't do anything!" She leaned on the car.
His car jerked into reverse and she stumbled forward, nearly
falling. "We didn't do anything!" she screamed, but it was no use. He
turned around, angrily, and sped away.
Sobbing, she sank to the ground. "We didn't do anything!" she
cried, grabbing the dirt and gravel in her fists. "I love you!" she
whispered, the gravel digging into the bare skin of her shins, hurting
her. She pushed down harder with her legs, making the pain stronger.
She sobbed, her throat swelling larger, it seemed, with each one.
"Jen!" said Danny. "Come on, it's okay!" he told her, dragging
her up. He had put his clothes on, and kept out of it as he watched them
from her driveway. "It's okay!"
She shook her head. "He hates me!" she sobbed, as he pulled her
back on her property. "Ryan *hates* me!"
"He doesn't! He's just mad!" Danny whispered, his arm around her.
"Yes he does!' she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Shh!" he told her. But her parents had already been awakened,
the door opening as her dad peered out, in his pajamas.
"What's going on?" he demanded.
Jen was still sobbing, unable to answer. Danny just shrugged.
"Jen, what is going on?"
They walked in through her front door, the heat encompassing them
and the light shocking their eyes.
Jen pushed Danny away, covering her eyes with her forearm and crying.
"What happened? Why are you all dirty Jen?" her dad asked.
She sat on the couch, whimpering.
Her dad looked at Danny.
Danny shrugged. "Um, Ryan came over and I was in her bed, and he
freaked out and he, um, is sort of upset and he thinks she cheated on him."
"Jen!" her dad said. "Danny should have been in the guest room.
What was Ryan doing here in the middle of the night?"
"Dad, shut up!" she yelled at him. "Just shut up!" she whispered.
"We just sort of fell asleep," Danny offered. "We didn't do
anything but he thinks we did."
Her dad tried to comfort her, rubbing her shoulder. "Honey, it
will be okay."
She shook her head, and her mom came out, demanding to know what
was happening.
"Ryan came over and Danny was sleeping her bed, and he thinks
something happened between them. Nothing did, did it?" he asked Danny,
who shook his head frantically.
"Oh, shit," said her mom, sitting down next to her on the couch
and hugging her. "I know, but it will be okay."
Jen sobbed. "I love him, Mom," she whispered. "I love Ryan.
Now he hates me!"
"No, I-I think he's just upset," said her mom, looking at her husband.
Jen kept crying, and her mom comforted her for awhile, until she
stopped, her face sore.
"It'll be okay, hon," her mom told her. "When he calms down
he'll listen to you."
Jen nodded. "I hope so," she whispered.
"It will be!" Danny said. "Come on Jenny Penny, smile!"
She gave him a weak smile.
"Aright. Don't worry about it. Maybe we should go back to bed,"
suggested her dad, tired.
"I can't sleep," mumbled Jen.
"Come on Jen, we can talk," said Danny. "Come on."
They went back to bed, her mom hugging her still and telling her
it would be okay.
Jen lay back on her bed, staring at the bright light overhead.
Danny lay next to her, trying to comfort her though he had no clue what
to say.
"He's just mad," he told her. "If he didn't love you he wouldn't
have left."
"I don't think he'll forgive me," she whispered.
"Jen, you didn't do anything wrong. What, did you tell him I
kissed you?"
She sighed sadly. "Yeah. . . But he thinks *we* kissed each
other, I think. I told him I said no."
"I'm so sorry Jen. It's all my fault."
"No, don't say that. It's not your fault," she muttered.
"Well, you know what? If it's not my fault--and I *know* it's
not your fault--then excuse my saying so, but I think it's Ryan's fault!"
"No. . . " she murmured.
"Yes, I think it is!" he told her. "He is so damn quick to
judge. I mean, he's a good guy and all," he added. "But he should have
stayed and heard you out."
She nodded, still staring at the ceiling.
"I'm serious. I know it must have looked bad, but you're his
girlfriend and he should trust you."
"No!" she told him. "It's not- you can't just blame Ryan!"
"I'm not *blaming* him blaming him! It's just that, if someone
is at fault for the way you're feeling now, it's him! Because you didn't
do anything wrong! Unless of course," he added. "It's my fault and you
think so."
"No, Danny!" she sighed. "I guess. . . But, he was so upset,"
she murmured. "He was crying, Danny. He's never cried."
"Oh he's cried," Danny told her. "You just haven't seen him.
But really? He was crying?"
She nodded. "Yeah. . . "
"Well, see, he must be really hurt and upset and everything.
He's probably really hurting. See, if he didn't love you he wouldn't be
so upset."
She nodded again, wiping her eyes. "I know. . . "
"Yeah? I know he does. It did look bad, but he'll calm down.
He's just mad, and he'll realize what a dork he was and come crawling back."
"I don't want him to come crawling back," she whispered. "I just
want him back." She started to cry again.
"Jen, he loves you. And you love him. If you didn't, I know you
wouldn't have been able to resist charming old Danny, now huh?"
She smiled, then laughed. "Yeah, I do."
"And he knows it. And the thought of you with another guy really
upsets him, so be happy that he cares so much. Even if he is being a dork."
She gave him another smile.
*****
When she woke up she felt like crying again. Danny had to leave,
and Dana wasn't home. She lay on her bed, miserable.
Her mom came in, bringing in her clean laundry. "How are you
doing?" she asked.
Jen shrugged sadly.
Her mom sat down on the bed. "Did you guys break up?"
"I guess," she told her. "I don't know. Probably. I don't
think he wants me anymore," she whispered, starting to cry.
"Oh honey," soothed her mom. "He's making a big mistake. He'll
realize it. He'll say he's sorry."
Jen shrugged, then shook her head, still crying.
"I'm sure he was upset that he saw Danny with you in the middle
of the night. It did look pretty bad, didn't it?"
Jen nodded.
"So he just stormed off. He'll realize it and come back to you,
I'm sure. If he doesn't then he's losing out."
She didn't say anything.
"Why was he coming over here so late?"
She shrugged, her heart racing.
"He should call before he shows up at someone's house, especially
in the middle of the night."
Facing away from her mom, Jen rolled her eyes. Her heart was
still pounding in her ears. There was an awkward silence, and Jen knew
her mom wasn't stupid. "Um, I think he came back early and just wanted
to surprise me."
"Well he should have waited," she said. She paused. "Jen,
exactly how serious are you two?"
"What do you mean?" Jen asked, playing dumb. "We love each
other." Oh good answer Jen! she thought. It sets us up well.
"I mean, if he was coming over here in the middle of the night,
he was sneaking over here, what, was he coming over to sleep with you?"
Jen didn't answer.
Her mom paused. "Jen, have you two had sex?" she asked.
"Mom," Jen groaned, exasperatingly. But she knew her mom
wouldn't stop her questioning now.
"Jen, I have a right to know. What have you done?"
"Don't worry about it Mom," she muttered. "I'm not gonna get
pregnant and I'm not gonna get any diseases."
"You are going to get pregnant!" her mother told her angrily.
"You've slept with him, haven't you?"
"Yes, we have, okay?" And I have great fucking orgasms, she
thought sarcastically.
Her mom didn't say anything. At that moment Jen didn't give a
damn anymore about hiding it.
Finally her mom spoke. "We didn't raise you like that Jen."
"Oh, like what?" Jen snapped.
"Like this! Plus you're too young and immature to be having sex!"
"Oh, please! You always tell me I'm so mature. Now I'm too
immature to do something. Make up your mind." Jen felt badly, she never
spoke to her mom like that.
She didn't say anything, just looked at her laying daughter on
the bed for a while. "Well," she said quietly. "Are you using birth
control?"
Jen nodded. "Yeah, I'm on the pill."
Her mom's voice wavered as she spoke. "You should have told me
that!" She burst into tears.
Jen groaned silently. She hated it when her mom cried. "Why?"
she asked. "You would have just gotten mad. Like you're doing now!
See, you don't understand."
"I do understand! You don't tell me something like this!"
"What exactly would it have helped?" she demanded sullenly.
Her mom just sniffled.
"Mom, it doesn't matter now, okay? We already did it. I'm not a
slut, we were in love," her voice choked on those words "and we waited a
long time, okay? I don't regret doing it one bit, aright?"
She continued to sniffle. "Well, it just makes me feel left out."
Jen looked over at her mom finally. "Do you *really* want to be
involved with my sex life? I don't think you do, because I don't want to
be involved in yours!"
Her mom didn't know what to say, and just looked down at her.
Finally Jen started to cry again.
"That's the least of my problems right now," she sobbed. "Now he
hates me!"
Her mom patted her on the back awkwardly, not knowing what to say.
Chapter 23
By that night Jen had made up her mind to go see him. She got in
her car, feeling like such a spoiled brat. After all, her parents gave
her so much. She remembered when Ryan had taught her how to drive, and
how frustrated they had both been, him especially. But he had still let
her learn on his car, and had tried to be so patient with her.
But now she was scared to death, and she wanted to turn around
and go back. What if he was sure he didn't want her? What if he never
believed her?
She felt numb as she rang the doorbell. Usually she would have
walked in, but now she was too nervous to. She looked around while she
stood on the doorstep, staring at his car in the driveway. She heard
voices, and then the door opened. Robby opened it.
"Come in," he said, as though she were retarded.
She came in slowly, looking around for Ryan.
"He's in his room," Robby told her, walking back to the living room.
She was left alone in the front hall, and she slowly walked
towards his bedroom. She heard his stereo. She knocked on the door
several times before she heard the music die down and Ryan loudly say,
"Come in!"
She opened the door slowly and walked in. Ryan looked at her
then looked away. She closed the door behind her as he turned his stereo
back up.
"Please turn your stereo down," she told him underneath the loud
music. He ignored her, and she repeated it. Finally she walked over to
his stereo and turned it off. He still wouldn't look at her, just stared
at the ceiling.
"Ryan," she said, her voice shaking. "If we have a relationship,
you will listen to me."
He ignored her.
"You will listen to me, or else you will lose me. Is that what
you want?"
His eyes met hers, but he didn't answer.
"I want to tell you what happened," she said, her voice slightly pleading.
"I don't want to know," he told her simply. "You cheated on me,
and that's good enough for me."
"I didn't!"
"Yeah you did," he said disgustedly, looking away.
"I didn't! Ryan, I told you, nothing happened!"
"Oh, except you kissed him. You kissed Danny. That is cheating
in my book, aright?"
"Ryan, why won't you listen to me?"
He shrugged. "Maybe I don't wanna. It's black and white, so it
doesn't matter."
"Why?"
"Because you fucking cheated on me, aright? Now I don't want a
girlfriend who cheats on me. That's fucking bullshit. I don't forgive
that."
"Well you don't need to forgive me, because I did nothing wrong!"
He rolled his eyes, looking away again and staring at the wall.
"Ryan," she said gently, trying not to cry. "I love you. I
would never cheat on you. Now what happened is that me and Danny were
talking, and hanging out, okay? Are you listening?"
"No."
"Well listen!" she cried. He looked up. "We were hanging out,
and he leaned in and kissed me. And I pulled away and said no."
He paused. "Well, why the hell was he in bed with you?"
"We didn't do anything. He just stayed over and I didn't really
care if he slept in my room. 'Cause I wasn't gonna do anything with him."
"Well why did he kiss you?"
"I don't know! Because we were just sitting there, and it just
happened. He felt really bad."
"Well, did you feel bad?" he asked sullenly. "Maybe you didn't.
How long was this kiss, anyway?"
She sighed, hurt still. "It was fast! It wasn't a real kiss,
not like a you kiss!" she told him, whining. "Here, you be me and I'll
be Danny, and I'll show you!"
He rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah?" he asked her. "I'll be you?
Okay, here!" He spread his legs and lifted them up in the air.
Jen was horrified. She couldn't breathe, nor move as she stared
at him. Her jaw had dropped, and her eyes filled with tears.
He didn't say anything else, just looked at her staring at him,
his legs still like that. She turned away from him, her hand on her
cheek as though he had hit her. She heard him stand up, but she didn't
turn around.
"I was kidding Jen," she heard him say softly. "I was just
kiddin'. . . " He touched her on the shoulder, telling her he didn't
mean it.
She spun around, and pushed him away. Tears dripped down her
cheeks. He came towards her again, trying to hug her, but she slapped
his face.
"Fuck," he muttered, shocked, his hand to his cheek. He moved
towards her again, and she jumped, flinching as she threw her arm in
front of her face to protect herself.
He stared at her in disbelief, gulping. "No, Jen. . . " he
whispered. He shook his head. "I wasn't going to hit you! No, I wasn't!"
She lowered her arm, staring at him as she backed away.
"No!" he told her. "No! I wasn't going to hit you! I would
never hit you!" he pleaded. "Don't you believe me?"
"I hate you," she whispered, turning around and walking out.
"No," he whispered. "No, I wasn't!" he cried, going after her.
She broke into a run as she got down the hall, and he chased her,
catching up with her as she fumbled with the doorknob. "Jen, come on!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he begged, trying to hug her.
She struggled with him, trying to push him away, before she
turned around and thrust her knee up into his groin.
"Ohhahhh!" he groaned, doubling over from the blow.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" she told him, shaking. He gasped,
gritting his teeth from the pain. "Don't you ever fucking touch me again!"
She opened the door and ran out, slamming it in his face.
"Oh fuck," he gasped, knowing what he had done. "Shit!" He
leaned against the door, and the tears started to fall. He sobbed,
forcing himself to stand up.
"What did you do to her Ryan?" asked Robby from the kitchen,
staring at him.
He shook his head, embarrassed that he was crying, and went back
to his room, collapsing on his bed. He gasped as he cried, his pillow
wet beneath his cheeks. He sobbed, and whispered over and over that he
was sorry.
He hadn't meant to hurt her of course, he never did. He just let
his anger and hurt get the best of him, like usual. He was so damn
impetuous.
He had planned on calling her and saying he was sorry that he
left her there, but that he had been upset, and that the situation looked
bad anyway he looked at it. And then he planned on calmly telling her
that he didn't think it was right for her ex-boyfriend to sleep in her
bed. He had planned his speech all out. But then she had surprised him
by coming over, and it just happened. He hadn't meant what he had done.
No way did he think she was some sort of slut.
Ryan knew he had blown it big time. He prayed she would forgive
him. He prayed to God she'd take him back.
continued. . .
Chapter 24
Jen was laying in bed, asleep, when her answering machine went
off. She hadn't heard it ring, and was barely aware of her voice
announcing she wasn't home. It was dark, and she could see the red light
of her machine.
"Babe I'm believin', I must be on my way. The time is drawing
near. . . "
She began to cry, it was her and Ryan's song, an old song from
the seventies.
". . . The train is going, I see it in your eyes. . . the love,
the pain, your tears. . . "
She sobbed into her pillow.
"But I'll be lonely without you. . . I need your love to see me
through. . . So please believe me, my heart is in your hands, and I'll
be missing you. . . Babe, I love you. . . "
She sat up, holding her pillow to her chest as she gulped for air.
"Because it's you babe, whenever I get lonely and I've had
enough, feel like giving up. . . "
She picked up the phone, choking back sobs.
Ryan switched off the music. "I love you Jen. Why do I do this
to you?" he whispered. "I love you, I'm sorry. Please forgive me, just
this last time."
"Ryan, why? You think I'm a slut. I'm a fucking whore to you!"
"No, no! You're not! I don't, I don't think it at all. I
didn't mean it. I don't know why I did that. I was just mad. Please,
please know that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."
She didn't answer him, crying and still angry, but knowing deep
down that she would forgive him. She loved him too much not to.
"I love you, I'm sorry I ever thought you cheated on me. I
shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that."
"You think I'm a slut," she repeated in a whisper.
"I don't! Jen, I don't! I love you, more than anything. I was
just mad. Please?"
"I love you Ryan," she said, still sounding a bit angry. "I
can't stay mad at you, you know that. So why do you do this? I never
did anything with him!"
"I know that, I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm so sorry, I'm such
an asshole. I don't deserve you. I abuse you."
"Ryan, you don't abuse me," Jen told him, muttering.
"I do," he whispered. "I don't hit you but I do. I abused you
mentally by doing that. I saw it on a talk show, mental abuse."
"Oh Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. Don't even think that. You were
just mad. Mental abuse is different, so don't even think that."
He didn't answer her.
"I think I saw that talk show too," she said, trying to make him
feel better. "It was like, neo-nazis who abuse their wives mentally, and
then they sleep with their best friend's parents or something. . . "
That made him laugh.
"See, I forgive you. Because I love you. And we didn't do
anything, I swear we didn't," she persisted.
"I know," he sighed. "It just, you don't understand what it was
like, this naked guy in your bed, when I come in to surprise you. I
mean, Ohhh," he groaned.
"No, I understand I guess. I thought about what I would do if it
would have been the other way around."
"I guess I was entitled to my anger. But I still was a jerk,
what I said, and what I did," he added. "You're sure you're not pissed
still?"
"I guess not. Maybe a little."
"I love you. I came home early to surprise you."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Come over now."
"Yeah? Okay, I'll be right over. I love you."
"I love you too."
They hung up, and she lay there on her bed again, each minute
seeming an eternity. While she waited she thought what would happen if
he never showed up, having been killed in an accident. Tears welled in
her eyes at the thought, and she blinked them back. How could she not
forgive him? She loved him so much. She knew he didn't abuse her
mentally, and her heart ached that he thought so, knowing how sorry he was.
She angered at herself for letting Danny sleep in her bed. It
was mean, to Danny, to Ryan, and to herself. She had been testing
herself to prove how strong she was, but it was cruel for all involved
she supposed. Danny had been wrong when he had said it was Ryan's fault
that she was upset after he left. It was Jen's fault that night, not
his. Ryan was at fault the next night, but the before had been Jen's.
She smiled when she heard his car, and her heart sped up when he
knocked at her door. She hoped her parents were sound asleep. They
hadn't said anything else about her sexual activities, and she hoped they
would stay out of it.
She let him in, and he held out a big bouquet of flowers for
her. She hugged him tightly, so happy that he was here.
"Thank you," she whispered, putting the flowers in her vase.
He sat on her bed, rubbing his eyes.
"School tomorrow," she sighed.
He nodded. "I know. Why do I do this to you Jen?"
"Ryan!" she sighed. "Stop it. I forgive you. I do."
"I shouldn't have done that. No way," he told her, staring at
the floor.
"Ohhh," she whispered, pulling him to her on the bed. "I know.
I forgive you, aright? That's what relationships are about, forgiveness
and compromise and you know."
He nodded, starting to cry. He broke down in front of her for
the first time, and he sobbed in her arms.
"Don't cry!" she told him, amazed once again that he was crying.
"You hate me Jen?" he whispered.
"No, I don't! I could never hate you, hon. I just said that
'cause I was mad. I'm not perfect. We're not perfect, but we just have
to keep trying." She hugged him tighter.
He nodded again, and wiped his eyes. "Yeah, that's what my
parents say, that you have to work at relationships."
"Your family is so perfect."
"Nah," he sniffled. "They're not really, you know that. They fight."
She shrugged.
"Really, you've seen 'em!" he said. "But we don't fight that
much," he added suddenly, trying to comfort himself, and her.
She shook her head, smiling at him. "We hardly ever fight.
We've only had a couple of big ones."
"Yeah, I guess that's like my parents, we are. They get along
great, they love each other of course, but when they don't, look out!"
"Yeah, that's us. I guess we get cruel sometimes," she said quietly.
"I do, you mean."
"No, I do too! I've said mean stuff to you before. Remember?"
He shrugged. "But I still love you."
"I love you too," she said, kissing him, feeling so happy. They
lay on her bed, just kissing for awhile.
"So, am I a better kisser than Danny?" he teased.
She laughed, happy that he could joke about it. "Oh, much
better. Much, much better."
"Good. You're a much better kisser than Danny, too!"
She burst out laughing, so happy that everything had worked out.
She tickled him and he tickled her back.
A knock came at her door, and she jumped. Ryan looked startled
as the door opened and her mom peered in.
Ryan sat up, and her mom didn't seem too surprised to see him.
"Jen, you didn't wake me up, but can you please keep it down? I heard
you guys laughing down the hall."
"Sure, sorry," Jen told her mom.
"Aright, good-night."
Ryan looked amazed as the door closed. "Uh, doesn't your mom
care that I'm here so late?"
Jen shrugged, relieved, but just as surprised as him. "I guess
not. She knows we've done it by the way."
"Really? You told her?"
"Yeah, she asked. I had to. She got upset, but I guess she
figures they can't stop us. Wow. . . "
He kissed her. "They know we're in love."
"Right. Wow, I still thought she'd throw you out though. But I
love you," she murmured.
They kissed again, holding each other tightly before and after
she turned out the light.
Chapter 25
Her parents loved Ryan of course, although they made it clear
they would prefer it if they didn't have sex. But they knew, although
they weren't particularly liberal, that she was going to do it anyway,
and trying to stop her would be useless.
For the holidays senior year, he took her into the city. They
went on a cruise around the water, eating dinner on the ferry. They were
the youngest ones on the boat, and it was filled with happy couples, some
who'd obviously been together a long time. They slow danced, holding
each other tightly on the small dance floor.
Then they went to the opera, seeing Les Miserables. It was
incredible. And she was laughing the whole time, at all Ryan's jokes.
Being with him was the best part of the play.
They were so in love, it was so perfect. Too good to be true?
But it was true, she thought. This *is* real.
Even the hotel was perfect. It was a fancy one too, although
that didn't matter. But the night was perfect.
"I love you so much," she whispered, in tears, when he took her
into his arms. "I do!"
"Hey," he told her gently. "I love you too. I love you Jen. If
I didn't have you I'd be dead."
She kissed him, standing on her tip toes to do it. He kissed her
back, hugging her so tightly. As one, they dragged themselves back onto
the bed, where they lay, kissing and touching each other.
She climbed on him, licking his ears and his neck. She
unbuttoned his shirt, running her hands over his strong chest. His hands
slid up her thighs, pushing her hem up to her hips. She ground her hips
into him, gasping from the sensations, even through all the layers of
clothes. She led his hands to her back, where he unzipped her dress.
Rolling off him, she slid it down, past her hips. He stared at her, in a
red satin teddy. She climbed over him, pausing to kiss him, and stood
back up. She dimmed the lights, then got a bottle out of her bag.
"What's that?" he asked, smiling.
"Body lotion," she told him. "Edible body lotion. . . "
He grinned at her, and she climbed back onto the bed. She
stripped him, pulling his pants off to reveal his hard swollen cock,
which pointed to his head. She gripped him, fondling him and making him
gasp. She climbed back on him, the soft satin of her teddy rubbing
against him. He gasped again, the sensation so incredible. She kissed
him over and over, then poured some of the sweet smelling liquid onto his
chest. She rubbed it into his skin, sensually covering every inch of
his upper body.
She climbed off, pulling him onto his stomach. She massaged his
shoulders, and his back, as he let out his breath, relaxing so much. He
consented to just being worked on, letting her rub his body for a long time.
Her hands traveled lower, massaging the oil into his ass and
thighs. He tensed up a bit as her saturated fingertips slid between his
buttocks. They lingered there, something they'd never talked about nor
done. She probed him, one finger slipping up inside him just the
smallest bit. Her other hand rubbed his back, and he relaxed, enjoying
the sensation. Her finger pressed down, stimulating his prostate. He
almost came right then, gasping loudly. He moaned, but tensed up again,
and she removed it.
Her hand slipped lower, between his spread thighs, delicately
smoothing the oil into his sack. Then she worked lower, massaging his
calves and even his feet. Her fingers slipped under him, spreading the
oil onto the front of his legs. He wanted to fuck her, he was so close
to cumming, but he just laid there, trying not to.
Then she began with her mouth, and he squeezed his eyes shut as
goose bumps ran across his body, despite the warmth of the room. He felt
the wetness, and the soft flicking and licking of her tongue as it
traveled down his spine. She came back up, sucking his ears and the back
of his neck. He tried to turn over then, begging her to please, make him
cum. But she didn't let him, whispering in his ear, "Not yet. . . "
while she still sat on his legs.
She climbed off and licked him all over, running her tongue over
his legs and his hips. Finally she let him roll on his back, and he
gripped his pulsating cock, ready to aim it into her.
But she just smiled, and instead went down, kissing his chest and
licking up all the lotion she had put on him. He breathed so hard,
rapidly. He groaned in frustration, as her mouth traveled downward, and
downward past his aching groin to his thighs. She licked his thighs, and
his knees, his slight leg hair sticking to him with the oil. He slid
downward, desperately trying to get his dick to her mouth. But she went
downward too, teasing, to the end of the king sized bed, and still kept
kissing his calves. His heart pounding in his ears, he begged her, please.
She looked at him, lying there so desperate. She crawled up to
him, and crouched over him, kissing him. His hands fumbled underneath
her, trying to push aside her teddy so he could get in. He pulled it
down off her shoulders, groping her breasts while he searched for the
entrance.
But she crawled off him again, instead attacking his dick with
her mouth while he gasped. She swallowed him whole, taking the whole
thing past her lips. He sat up on his elbows, groaning, his eyes
squeezed shut.
She sucked him, hard, up and down. He yelled, holding her head
while he thrust up into her. Moaning, he exploded in her mouth, down her
throat. He shot what seemed like gallons of sperm, his body convulsing
with each spurt. Gasping, he collapsed back on the bed, still slightly
thrusting into her mouth as the last drops were drained from him.
Ryan lay there, eyes closed, breathing hard. He finally looked
up at her, staring at him, and sat up. He pulled her down to the bed,
staring down at her body, still halfway covered by the teddy. He slid it
off her, and she lay there, naked as him. He grabbed the bottle, and she
smiled at him, sighing in pleasure.
He went to work on her, pouring the oil all over his palms and
then rubbing them over her body, massaging it into her breasts. They
went all over her body, until she was covered in the sweet oil. Her
breathing became faster, more rapid, while she stared up at him. He
licked the edible lotion off her, the tip of his nose dragging along her
skin. Then he buried his head between her thighs, lapping her juices up
and probing her folds. She moaned, gasping. He licked her clit, and all
around it until she was on the brink of cumming.
Her fingers ran through his hair, while she moaned again. His
hands under her ass, he lifted it up, pushing her to his mouth. She
cried out, his slippery tongue flicking inside her. Her legs went over
his shoulders, squeezing his head between them. He sucked her clit,
harder and harder, and she cried out again, shrieking his name and that
she wanted him to fuck her. He wasn't much good at teasing her, doing so
would prolong his own pleasure.
Instead he climbed on her, sliding up into her dripping hole. He
lay on her, pumping and laboring between her thighs. He sat up on his
knees, still thrusting, her hips off the bed. Her legs wrapped around
his hips and he fingered her, rubbing her clit while he rammed into her.
She gasped, throwing her head back. She thrust back at him, her vision
blurry as she came. She cried out, over and over. He kept at it,
groaning from the sensations of her vagina clenching him so tightly. He
fell back onto her, grunting as he continued to fuck her.
Just as he was beginning to get tired, supporting himself above
her, she pushed him on his back. She straddled him, grinding herself
into him. Then she leaned back, and brought her legs in front of her,
past his shoulders. He rubbed her knees and thighs in front of him,
then, using his knuckles, he ground into her clit. He'd never done that
before, and the sensation was incredible. Pleasure shot through her body
and she climaxed again, shrieking his name and "Oh God!" over and over.
She climbed off of him, laying next to him. He took a break
himself, trying to avoid cumming yet. He licked her nipples instead,
kissing her while she held him tightly. He kissed her for so long, his
erection softened just a bit. She leaned over, taking him in her mouth
again until he was hard as steel again. She turned onto her side, away
from him. He entered her again, thrusting slowly, then faster, and
faster, then slowly again, driving her wild while his fingers strummed
her clit. Over and over he brought himself to the brink, then stopped
himself, still giving her climax after sweet climax.
Finally, he kept going, thrusting into her from behind while she
lay next to him. He yelled, pumping his hips as fast as he could. He
came high into her, and she groaned when she felt it. He kept thrusting,
getting every last bit of pleasure from his orgasm, while he gasped, and
moaned. He fucked her until he went soft, spent and drained. They both
lay there in the dim light, trying to catch their breath.
His head rested on her shoulder, and she twisted around to face him.
"I love you," she said, kissing him.
He nodded, saying, "I love you too. 'Now and forever'. . . " he
told her, quoting the engraving on her ring.
They had fallen asleep like that, his sweaty chest against her
back. When they woke up they hadn't moved.
Chapter 26
(Matt's flashbacks. . . )
Matt lay in bed, feeling happy and yet miserable. His mom had
let him stay home from school fortunately. He couldn't help but feel
miserable, considering his appearance and how much he hurt. He hurt
physically, but also emotionally. But he was happy too, happy that Jen
didn't hate him and that he'd talked to her. He wondered if he could
really call her. He considered calling her and not saying anything, or
hanging up, just to see if she was there and to hear her voice. He'd
done it before. But he always felt like a dork afterwards. He thought
about every single time he had seen her. . .
He'd loved her instantly. He couldn't help it, he supposed, his
hormones were out of control. She'd treated him well all year he
guessed, and he had always had a glimmer of hope that she liked him
whenever she would smile at him, or talk to him. He fantasized that she
really liked him, and not Ryan.
He first saw her the week before school started. He was on the
football team, and practice started two weeks before school. He got to
know this guy Mike, who he'd known before but never was really friends
with, pretty well. Mike invited him home after practice one afternoon to
get something to eat and hang out.
He had a cool house, and they played video games in his room and
talked about stuff. They heard some people come running up the stairs.
"My sister," Mike explained. "Probably Jen, too."
"How old's your sister?" Matt had asked.
"Oh, she's seventeen. Jen's still sixteen I think. Yeah, her
birthday's in October."
"Are they seniors?"
"Yeah."
"Are they hot?" asked Matt, his mind always on girls. He figured
now that he was in high school he ought to be getting laid all the time.
"Man, shut up! That's my sister!" Mike exclaimed. "Jen's pretty
hot though," he added.
"Cool."
Mike paused. "Have you ever done it?"
Matt paused too, thinking whether he should lie and say he had or not.
"Me neither," said Mike.
Matt smiled too. "Well, I guess I will pretty soon. I want to anyway!"
"Well, duh! Of course."
It was getting really late; Matt called his mom to tell her where
he was, but she wasn't home. He was supposed to be home awhile ago though.
"My mom can give you a ride home when she gets home. Probably in
like an hour or so."
"Oh."
"We can asked my sister though. She might say yes."
"Okay," agreed Matt enthusiastically.
They knocked on her door. They heard voices and music.
"Come in!" called a female voice.
Mike pushed the door open and walked in, Matt trailing after him.
One girl, Mike's sister Matt assumed, as she had the same
white-blond hair, lay on the bed. Another girl stood in front of the
closet, which had a mirrored door. Oh my God, thought Matt.
The other girl, (was Jen her name?) was trying on clothes
apparently, as they were all over the room. She was only wearing a
skimpy bikini, and she was unbelievably tan. She wasn't really tall, but
she was incredibly built. Her chest filled out the bikini top. Her
brown hair hung in waves down her back. He saw her face in the mirror,
and she was beautiful, he thought.
He took all this in in about two seconds, and that's all the time
it took it seemed for the blood to flow and his dick to get hard in his
pants. He stared at her while Mike asked his sister if she could drive
Matt home.
Jen turned around, and smiled at the boys in the doorway. Matt
blushed, looking away for a second.
His sister, Dana, made a face. "Where do you live?" she asked Matt.
Matt was staring again at the other girl, who was turning around
and looking at herself in the mirror. Mike poked him.
"Huh?" he asked.
"Where do you live?" he asked.
Matt told her.
"Oh, that's right by Jen's house," his sister said.
Jen turned around again and looked at him. He blushed again.
"Yeah, I'm going home soon. I can take you home if you want.
Can you wait a few minutes?" she asked him.
He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, that's fine," he said, trying to act
cool. "Thanks," he added.
"No problem," she told him, giving him a smile. "God, I hope I
don't lose my tan soon," she said to Dana.
"Don't worry about it," she said. "God, Jen, you're *so* skinny!"
"No I'm not!" said Jen. "I think I gained too much weight this
summer. This bathing suit was looser on me when I tried it on in the
beginning of the summer."
"Oh, it's still loose though. God, you're a twig!"
Jen rolled her eyes. Mike and Matt still stood in the doorway,
looking at her.
"Oh you're *so* fat Jen," whined Mike, teasing her. "You're just
a whale!"
"Screw you!" laughed Jen.
"No, I think you have a nice body," said Matt honestly.
She turned and looked at him again, her smile making his heart
race. "Thanks," she said.
"Nuh huh, Matt. Jen's a fat pig," insisted Mike.
She rolled her eyes at him. She turned around and put her bra
on, over her bikini top. She hooked it up, then undid her bikini and
pulled it out from under the bra. Matt stared at her while she pulled a
T-shirt on, a long one that went past her hips to her thighs. She pulled
down the bikini bottoms, kicking them off and then pulling on some peach
colored panties. Matt tried to imagine what she would look like without
the T-shirt, so he could see her between her legs. He'd never seen a
real naked girl, except for his little sisters, but he supposed that
didn't count.
She pulled on some jeans shorts, and he stared at her buttoning
them up while Mike and his sister talked about something. She didn't
seem to even notice he was watching her. Matt wondered if he could get
dressed like that in front of a girl he didn't even know. He doubted he
could get dressed in front of a girl he *did* know.
She sat down on the bed, flipping through a stack of pictures
that lay there.
"When are you going home?" asked Mike.
She looked up. "Oh, like ten minutes. That okay or do you need
to leave now?" She looked at Matt.
He gulped. "Nah, ten minutes is fine. I don't have to leave
*right* away," he added.
She continued looking at the pictures. She lay back and laughed
over one with Dana.
Mike pulled on him, and they left, closing the door behind them.
They walked down the hall to Mike's room.
"Man, doesn't that give you a woody?" asked Mike.
"Oh man. . . " Matt groaned. "Damn! I was hoping she'd take her
clothes all off. What's her name, Jen?"
"Yeah, that's Jen. She's been best friends with my sister, like
forever. She slept in my bed once," he bragged.
"She did? Were you in it too?" Matt asked, jealous.
Mike laughed. "No. I wish! She was drunk and she just came in
and passed out. I had to sleep in the guest room."
"Wow. Cool," he said, impressed. He felt cool himself, that she
was going to bring him home. What could they talk about?
"Yeah, me and her are friends too," added Mike.
"Oh yeah?" asked Matt, wistfully.
"Yeah. She's *really* nice," he said.
Finally he heard her calling Mike in the hall. Mike nodded at
Matt, "Get your bag."
Matt grabbed his things and followed him out there, trying to act
casual. She was still talking to Dana, saying that she'd call her
later. She looked at Matt. "Ready to go?" she asked.
He followed her down the stairs, while Mike said he'd see him
tomorrow at practice. Matt prayed he didn't stink too badly, or that she
wouldn't notice if he did. No one ever took showers at school, but he
wished he had for once.
They went out into the summer evening. She had a cool car too, a
Jeep, one of the new kinds.
"My car's really messy," she explained. "Sorry."
"No, it's not. It's cool."
"Thanks. So what's your name again?" she asked, starting the car.
"Oh, Matt."
"Are you a freshman?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"I thought so. I mean, I've never seen you before."
His heart raced. Did that mean she wanted to see him again? Or
that she would have noticed him if she had?
"What position do you play?" she asked.
"Huh? Oh, quarterback," he told her.
"Really?" she asked. "My boyfriend's quarterback too!"
His heart sank. He might have guessed she had a boyfriend. "Oh
yeah?' he asked half-heartedly.
"Yeah."
He felt pretty cool though; he'd never been driven anywhere by
someone who wasn't an adult. Plus she was hot. Would he see her at
school? They sat in silence for awhile.
"Are you looking forward to high school?" she asked, trying to
make conversation.
"Yeah! Eighth grade was lame," he said. "It'll be cool."
She smiled. "This your street?" she asked.
"Yeah, it's a while down though," he said, wishing he could think
of something cool to say. He wondered about her boyfriend, he wondered
if they has sex. He tried to picture her having sex. He wondered if she
was going to go out with him tonight.
"So, what are you doing this weekend?" he asked. Oh, shit! he
thought. It's sounds like I'm coming on to her!
"Oh, I don't know. Probably not much," she said. "I still have
to get my school supplies. Echh! I hate school."
"Yeah, me too!" he said. "It's that one there," he pointed out
regretfully.
She pulled over, and smiled at him. "Well, it was nice meeting
you," she told him.
"Yeah! Nice meeting you too! Thanks for the ride," he added.
"Oh, no problem! I'll see you around school probably!"
"Yeah, see you around," he said casually, closing the door. He
walked coolly into the house as she drove off.
He dropped his bag on the floor, then went up the stairs. He
went into the bathroom, peeling off his sweaty shirt and looking at
himself in the mirror. He flexed his muscles. He was much bigger than
other guys his age, he thought. He didn't have any hair on his chest.
Was he supposed to? He didn't know.
He kicked off his shoes and shorts, turning on the shower. He
shivered in the draft, then he sighed in relief as the spray of hot water
hit him. His dick had softened, but the need was still there. He washed
his whole body, thinking about her.
He thought about when she drove him home. Instead of saying it
was nice to meet him, she could have put her arm around him, and looked
him deep in the eyes. She could have kissed him, then said, "Matt, I
want you." He tried to imagine her unzipping his fly and leaning over in
the car, sucking his dick.
He rubbed himself, squirting some conditioner onto his palm and
using that as a lube. He closed his eyes and rubbed faster, remembering
her in the bikini, more than half naked. It wasn't hard to picture her
completely naked. One hand gripped his balls, while the other was a
blur, rubbing the head of his dick faster and faster. He tried to
imagine himself on her, fucking her with everything he had.
Soon he let out a cry, muffled under the spray of the shower, as
he jerked, shooting cum everywhere. He gasped, and groaned, as his knees
felt weak, and he thrust his hips forward.
"Shit!" he gasped.
He felt ashamed immediately, he always did. Then he felt sad,
and lonely.
*****
With the excitement of the first day of school, he forgot about
her. He had English and Biology with Mike, and he was hoping they'd be
friends. There were so many new kids he didn't know, a lot of pretty
girls too. His middle school had been mostly white but now it was really
mixed.
But he saw her the second day of school, in the library when he
went to get his books. She was in there too; he saw her immediately,
laughing with some other seniors. He wanted to go up to her but he
couldn't; he was only a freshman besides.
He walked by her nervously, heading toward the door. He paused,
turning around and looking exasperated, like he was waiting for someone
really slow. He tried to act casual again, stretching and yawning. She
looked at him, and his heart raced. She was eating an apple, but she
smiled and waved at him, and he smiled back.
He fantasized in class about her. What if he saw her everyday,
or went out to lunch with her? He wished he had a car, or his friends
did, so he could hang out in the parking lot. He wanted to find out more
about her from Mike. He thought Mike was pretty cool.
He was glad when they became friends, and he ate lunch with him
on the lawn everyday. They always talked about girls, but he didn't want
to be obvious about liking Jen, so he couldn't just bring her up out of
the blue. But he did anyway sometimes.
"Oh, I saw that girl that was at your house you know. The one
that drove me home. What was her name again?" he asked casually one day,
even though he knew.
"Huh? Who, Jen? Jen," he told him.
"Yeah, that's right. Um, is her boyfriend Scott Alberg?"
"Alberg? The quarterback? No, Ryan's her boyfriend. He goes to
Woodland. He's their quarterback. Why?"
"Oh, because she said something about her boyfriend being the
quarterback and I thought maybe she was going out with Alberg."
"Oh, no."
He knew he didn't have much of a chance with her, deep down, but
he wished he could just hang out with her. He was disappointed with his
social life, he didn't go out much last year. He figured nobody but him
stayed home on Friday and Saturday nights. He wondered what she did for
fun. Probably get drunk and stoned, he thought. He'd never done either
although he wasn't against it. He just hadn't. He wondered if she was a
virgin. Probably not, he figured, jealous.
She had the same math teacher as him, the period before his.
Sometimes she would stay behind and talk to people, or the teacher, and
he would see her though they never talked. Usually she was gone by the
time he got to the room though. He never knew where she sat, but one day
he saw the seating chart for all the classes. There was her name, Jen
Halleran. She sat one seat in front of him. He considered writing, "I
love u" on the desk, but only briefly. If she knew he liked her she'd
probably never talk to him again, or maybe make fun of him.
Thursdays after school were the days students could make up tests
if they'd been sick. He'd missed one, and one day he came in and she was
sitting down, talking to this guy. His heart raced. The teacher wasn't
there yet. He squeezed past her, saying "Excuse me" as though he was
annoyed. She looked up, and smiled at him, saying hi.
"Hi," he responded. He got out his books and tried to look busy.
She continued talking to the guy, this really skinny guy with a
baseball cap on. Matt wondered if she liked him. Maybe she'd broken up
with her boyfriend. But they were talking about him.
"I mean," she was saying. "We've been to six Homecomings so far."
"Oh yeah, huh," the guy answered. "But you're still gonna go to
both this year?"
"Yeah. I'll have to get two new dresses," she complained.
He laughed. "I haven't seen him since like, August. Remember
that pool party in the Oaks?"
"Oh yeah. Well he's the same. Except he has the sniffles!" she cooed.
He laughed. "He has 'the sniffles'?"
"Yeah! He's sick," she stuck out her lower lip.
"Oh, poor baby. I guess you can't kiss him now."
"Oh, well too bad. I kiss him anyway," she laughed.
"My little brother's on his little brother's soccer team," the
guy said.
"Really? Which one? Will or Robby?"
"Will I think. He's like 9."
She smiled. "Yeah, that's Will. He's the cutest I swear. He's
so cute."
"He looks just like Ryan. I swear, he *is* Ryan."
"I know! He does! He's the sweetest little boy."
"Robby looks like him too, but not as much."
"Yeah, he does a little bit. He sounds like him now. His voice
is totally changing. I call and he answers and I'm like 'Ryan?' and he's
like, 'No, it's Robby,'" she said in a low voice. "He's grown so much."
"Yeah, total growth spurt."
"He is *so* perverted. I mean, he's like, Hyperpuberty Boy."
The guy laughed. "How old's he?"
"Like thirteen. He's in seventh. I think he's twelve actually.
Anyway, one time I stayed there and watched them this summer while Ryan
and his parents went down to look at colleges. And you would not believe
how disgusting he is, Brian."
"Why? What did he do?"
"Well, he's like asking me all these questions," she said,
looking over at Matt, the only person around them, to see if he was
listening. She didn't think he was. "He's like, 'Do you fuck my
brother? Do you suck his dick?'" she whispered.
Brian snorted.
"Shut up," she said, tossing her head. "Anyway, he goes, 'How do
I get a girl to suck my dick? Will you suck my dick?'"
"He asked you to suck his dick?" asked Brian, surprised.
"Yes! I was gonna slap him, I swear."
"Damn! Whatta little pervert. Did you tell Ryan?"
"Yeah. He beat him up," she laughed. "But actually I just told
him to talk to him, because he was really confused and stuff. So he
did. I guess all the girls at his school thought he was a pervert too."
"He is! Ryan's a pervert too, though. Don't you think?" he laughed.
"Well, sure. He's a pervert too. But that's different," she smiled.
"Yeah, 'cause you like him being a pervert."
"Yeah! But anyway, Will! He's so cute. He's like," she
whispered, "'Do you know what S-E-X is? Have you done S-E-X?'"
"He's a little skater now, huh?"
"Yeah. He thinks he is anyway. He shaved his head! And he
wears all the baggy clothes, and skates to school. He thinks he's cool.
But he is a cool kid. He's gonna be so hot when he grows up. Oh my
gosh, you know what he said?"
"Huh? 'Will you do S-E-X with me?'" he joked.
"No!" she laughed. "It was *so* sad. I like, cry thinking about
it. One time like last summer, hey you better not tell your brother this
okay? Will'll kill me."
"Sure. My brother's a dork."
"Anyway, I was at his house one Sunday morning and he was really
quiet, you know? And his mom kept asking him what the matter was. And
so we're all sitting there, and he like whispers, 'How come when I wake
up I feel like I have a bone in my dick?'"
Brian burst out laughing, and Matt tried to conceal his own laughter.
"And so we're all sitting there staring at him for a second, in
shock you know, and he starts to cry and he says, 'I think I have *cancer*!'"
Brian continued laughing. "Oh man! Boner!"
"That's what Robby said. He's all shouting, 'Boner! Boner!' at
him. So Ryan and his dad had to tell him what was up."
"Literally!" he laughed.
She burst into laughter. "It was so cute!" she remembered.
Another guy came in, and he sat next to her, pulling her hair.
"What's up?" he said.
"Nothin'. We're just talking about Ryan's little brothers," she
told him.
"Oh yeah! They are exactly like Ryan. They *are* him."
They laughed. "That's what we were talking about," Brian said.
She got up to throw her gum away.
"They're just like Ryan," repeated the other guy. Matt thought
his name was Jeff. He laughed. "They're gonna be gettin' laid every
night too when they're his age!"
Brian laughed.
"I heard that!" she exclaimed, sitting back down.
"I swear, you guys are just like rabbits."
"We are not!" she exclaimed.
"Yuh huh! I know you are. That's cool," said Jeff. "He's so
full of it though."
"Why? Why do you say that?"
"I mean, he's like 'I'm the best,'" he told her.
"He's the best? What, you mean, in bed?" she asked. "What's he say?"
"Oh," he laughed. "He's always like, 'I'm the best, I have the
best mouth, she's always so satisfied, I'm the greatest. . .' That sorta
stuff!"
She laughed. "Yeah, sounds like Ryan."
"Is it true?"
She smiled. "He's a good boy."
They groaned. "Oh! I see. He's a good boy is he?" said Brian.
"I suppose you're the one that tells him he's the best!"
She giggled. "Well, of course! Guys need compliments. No, but
he is very good," she said seriously. They rolled their eyes. Matt felt
a pain in his stomach.
"He said he did it six times in one night," scoffed Brian. "I
don't think so."
"Six times?!? Yeah right. No guy can do it six times!" said Jeff.
"No! He did I swear," she protested.
"Bull fucking shit," said Jeff.
"No, I made him."
They laughed. Matt was finding this quite interesting.
She rubbed her eyes, remembering. "We got in a huge fight that
night," she said, not smiling.
"Oh yeah? No guy can do it six times in one night. Maybe three
or four. What was the time frame?" he asked.
"Um. . . Like, from like nine o'clock to maybe three in the morning."
"Maybe. . . " conceded Brian.
"No really! I was really drunk, and God, I don't know what my
problem was. Anyway, the first time I was like, 'Let's do it!' and he
was like, 'YEAAAHHH!!!'" she said enthusiastically. "Then I was like,
"Let's do it again,' like right after, and he's like, 'Yeahhh!!!' And
then I was like, 'Again!' and he was like 'Aright. . .' And then awhile
later I was like, 'Again! Again!' And so he was like, 'Awhhh!'" she
groaned. "'Yeah, okay.' And then I was like, 'More! More!' I mean, I
was waiting awhile. But then anyway, so he's like, 'No! Well, okay.
Wait a few more minutes.'"
"'And suck my dick,'" interrupted Brian.
"Shut up!" she told him. "And then after that one, he was really
tired, yeah, it was really late, and I was still going, 'More! More!
More!'" the guys laughed "and he was like, 'No, okay? I can't do it
again! Haven't you had enough?!?' And so I kept bugging him, and he
kept saying no. And then I got mad, or I was just pretending to be mad,
and I like turned around and faced the wall and wouldn't talk to him.
And he's like, 'Jen! God, I can't do it! I'm tired! I *don't have any
left!*'"
They laughed again.
"And I tell him he could at least try, and he's like, 'There's no
point! I canNOT do it *six* times in one night, okay!'"
"Right," Jeff nodded.
"So I say," she cringed, "'you would if you loved me. . .'"
The guys groaned, reeling from her words. "No! I can't believe
you said that!" exclaimed Jeff. "Ooooooooo. . . " he groaned.
"Goddamn!" groaned Brian. "That was *not* cool."
She nodded in agreement. "I was kidding! Really. Yeah, he got
*so* pissed. He like jumped out of bed and started yelling at me."
"Did you cry?"
"Yeah! I always cry whenever he yells at me. I can't help it!
Anyway, he was really pissed and he was like screaming at me and he was
about to throw me out of *my* house, and I was just sitting there crying,
going 'Ry! That's not what I meant! I meant you would at least *try*!'
"Ooo, big difference," said Jeff.
"Well, anyway, so he was also really pissed because he thought I
was on XTC, because once I said I wanted to do it, and you know how it
makes you really horny? Well he told me he wouldn't let me do it, which
was cool, but anyway he was totally convinced I was on it. It took me
like an hour of him screaming and me crying to convince him I wasn't on
it. But he was so mad, he was like, 'I don't have sex with you to show
you I love you. I do other things to show you I love you.' Totally
making me feel bad. And than anyway we made up and we did it again."
They laughed. "Awright," said Jeff. "Okay, *maybe* six times in
one night."
They looked over at Matt, who was staring at Jen, and laughed.
He'd been listening of course, but it was still funny.
"But he doesn't talk about what we do, does he?" she asked seriously.
"Well," said Jeff. "Not really. But he does talk about you a lot."
"Really? What does he say about me to his friends? He's
different sometimes, when he's around his friends. Not you guys, or Josh
or Corey, but his football friends that I don't know."
"Really? I don't know, I don't know them. Oh, well, I mean, we
all know he worships you. You're like, a Goddess."
She laughed. "Really?"
"Yeah!" laughed Brian. "I swear, it's like, all his friends are
his little army, and our mission is 'Protect Jen.'"
"Shut up!" she laughed.
"No really. You better marry that boy, I swear."
"Yeah, we will. If I got pregnant we'd get married now," she
told them.
"Oh yeah? Well, anyway, he talks about you a lot. If we're over
and he calls you, and you're not there, then he gets like, sad and stuff."
"Really?" she asked. "Awwwwh. . . "
"Yeah, and you know what," said Brian. "Josh told me that one
time, I guess all three of you were all over at his house, and you had to
leave or something?"
She shrugged. "I guess I remember."
"Well, anyway, he said that after you left, Ryan's all, 'You know
that girl that just left? The one with the brown hair and beautiful blue
eyes?' And Josh was like, 'Uh, yeah? You mean, Jen?' And Ryan goes,
'I'm gonna marry that girl.'"
"Really?" she asked again, her face lighting up. "Ohh!"
They laughed, and the teacher came in.
Matt stored all this information away. It was a bundle. He was
impressed that she had sex. Of course he was jealous, too, of her
boyfriend. God, he couldn't imagine yelling at her. Even if she was
being bitchy. But he obviously loved her. He fantasized that he was her
boyfriend.
continued. . .
Whenever Matt saw her his heart raced. And then she was always
gone, into the classroom, or the parking lot, as fast as she had
appeared, she was gone. He had hung out at Mike's a lot, but she was
never there.
One night he went over to his house, to work on their biology
project. It was due the next day, and they'd both been slacking off.
They had their notes, but still had to write the paper. He was in a bad
mood, because Mike kept promising to work on his part, but he never did.
It was already eight o'clock.
"We'll write it in my sister's room," said Mike, as they ran up
the stairs.
And she was there, laying on the bed watching TV. He tried to
act casual. Dana was on the phone, but she waved to Mike to use her
computer. They pulled in another chair, and Matt sat down.
"Hi Jen," Mike had groaned.
"Hi Mikey," she'd said. Mikey? he wondered.
The minute Dana had gotten off the phone, it had rung again.
"Hello?" Dana said. She looked at Jen. "Um, what if I say she's
not here?. . . Well then, what if I say she is?"
Jen raised her eyebrows at her friend.
Dana raised hers back, covering up the receiver. "It's Ryan,"
she explained. "He said, 'Is my girlfriend there?' and I said, 'What if
she's not?' and he goes, 'Then I'll be happy.'"
"He'll be happy?" asked Jen.
"Yeah, and then I say, 'What if she is here,' and he says, 'Then
I'll be sad.'"
"Oh really?" Jen snorted. "Well I wouldn't want to make him sad!"
"She doesn't want to make you sad," she said into the phone. She
paused. "Oh. He says he'll be sad because he's really tired and he
wants to go to bed."
"So go to bed," Jen said plainly.
"Go to bed," relayed Dana. "Oh. . . Just a second." She threw
Jen the cordless phone.
"If you don't want to talk to me then don't," said Jen. "So go
to bed! I'm not standing in your way. . . Yeah. . . Oh. . . Yeah, I
know. . . Why are they there?. . . I don't care, I was just asking. .
. Hey, I'll let you go if you're so tired. . . Really? Oooh, Ryan!
Bad!" she teased.
Matt was trying to listen in, but at the same time not be
obvious, i.e. keep telling Mike what to write next.
She sat up. "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?. . .
Sorry!. . . Yeah, yeah. . . I just meant it's a Monday night. I never
said that. . . "
She clicked the phone off, and slammed it down on the bed. Dana
took it, hanging it up. They're fighting! thought Matt.
"What? Did he hang up on you?" she asked.
"No. I hung up on him. Wait give me the phone."
"Why? Are you going to call him back?"
"Yeah. . . "
"No! Don't! Wait five minutes first."
She sighed.
"What was his problem?"
She lay back down on the bed. "He was being such a prick! I was
like, 'Fine! You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to!' And
he's like, 'Oh, I'm drunk,' And so I'm like, 'Ooh! Bad,' and he gets
all mad, and says, 'Don't *you* lecture me about drinking!'"
"What a dick!"
"Yeah, and I'm like, 'Ryan, that's not what I meant.' I mean, he
never drinks on a weeknight. Usually not even on a weekend, you know?
So I said that, and he goes 'Oh. Well, whatever.' So I hung up on him."
"What's his problem?" asked Dana.
"I don't know. His asshole friends were over there, and you know
how he's different when they're there. . . "
"Nah, it's probably because he's drunk. He's nice to you Jen,"
interrupted Mike.
"Well he's still being a dick."
"Do you guys fight a lot?" asked Matt, curious.
"No, hardly ever. We've only fought like, four times!"
"Have you guys been going out a long time?" he asked.
"Three years," she told him.
"Wow," he said.
"Right. I don't need this shit," she said.
"Jen! Come on, don't cry!" exclaimed Dana sympathetically.
Matt looked over, she was rubbing her eyes, laying on the bed.
She sniffled. Yup, she was starting to cry. He couldn't believe it.
Her boyfriend was such a jerk, he would always want to talk to her if he
was him.
Dana leaned over the bed, hugging her. "Come on, you know he
loves you. Sometimes he's just in bad moods. Aren't you ever in bad
moods too? It doesn't mean you don't love him still."
She nodded, swallowing her tears. The phone rang.
"Hello?" asked Dana. She looked at Jen.
"I'm not here. He can be happy," she said sarcastically.
"What if I say she's not here?" asked Dana. "Oh yeah?. . . Well
what if I say she is here?. . . Well what if I say she's here but that
she. . . Okay! Okay!"
She handed Jen the phone. "He's all, 'Will you just give the
fucking phone to my girlfriend!"" she imitated.
Jen snatched it up. "Don't you speak to my friends that way!"
she screamed. "No, *you* listen!. . . Goddamn you, what the hell's
your problem. . . No, it is not *me* . . . Why are you being like this
Ryan!" she cried.
Matt and Mike raised their eyebrows at each other. "Should we
leave?" he whispered to Mike. Mike shook his head.
She continued yelling at him, starting to cry again. Matt wanted
to comfort her. "I never said anything bad about them!. . . Unlike
what they say about me though, huh?. . . No!. . . It's different, Ryan,
it's different!" she sobbed, her face in her hands, her chin resting on
her knees as she sat back against the wall. "Oh, oh. Not because you
don't want me to be upset. . . Oh, isn't that just fucking classic," she
snapped sarcastically. "Listen to this you guys," she told them. "Ryan
says, 'Don't cry Jen. Don't cry in front of your friends; it makes me
look like the bad guy!' Well why do you think I'm crying!" she screamed
into the phone.
Matt sat there watching her, as she cried and argued. It isn't
fair, he thought. Why does he get her when he treats her like this?
She swallowed her sobs a bit, and got quiet, listening to him
talk. "Uh huh. . . Yes!. . . But I'm just telling you Ryan, it's
different lately. . . It is!. . . I haven't seen you hardly at all
since school started. . . I know that!. . . But, you obviously have
time for *them*! You didn't invite me. . . Yeah, I'm sure they just
came over and forced the beer down your throat while you protested,
saying, 'No! I have to study!'" she said sarcastically. "See, now
you're not even listening!. . . Bullshit!. . . What?" she gasped.
"*What*? What did you just say?" she gasped, starting to cry again. "I
can't believe you just said that! That was over two *fucking* years
ago! I can't believe this!" she sobbed. "You never forgave me for that,
did you!. . . I never said I was!. . . Yeah, right. . . No you don't!.
. . Oh yeah, well I'm sure getting drunk will really contribute to
excellency tomorrow during practice!. . . Oh, yeah, well maybe they can
suck your dick from now on since you love them so much!"
Matt widened his eyes, and Mike tried to keep from laughing.
"Go Jen!" Mike laughed.
"You tell me to fucking shut up one more time and we're through,
ya got it!. . . Yes, you did! You just said it!. . . Oh, same damn
thing!. . . I could too!. . . I don't want to fight with you! You
started it!. . . Well what am I just supposed to ignore it? That is not
going to help," she said. "It's not. You don't want to talk. You don't
call me anymore. We don't go out anymore. . . Well, not like we used
to!. . . I know that," she whispered. "I know, but you don't tell me
these things. I'm not a part of your life. . . I know. . . Yeah, I
know. . . Why?!? Because you're friends just came back in! Is it
embarrassing to fight with your girlfriend in front of them!. . . You're
so different. . . See, now you're not even talking to me!. . . You're
not, you're talking to them!. . . Oh, I see. See, you can't bring
yourself to apologize or say you love me in front of them. . . No, not
in front of *them*!. . . You can talk to them all you want," she said
sweetly, hanging up on him.
She wiped her eyes, still crying.
"Come on, Jen," said Dana, wrapping her arms around her. "It'll
be okay. What did he say?"
"He's just such a jerk," she cried. "He's all, 'Oh, like you're
perfect! At least I don't lie to you!'"
"What? When did you lie to him?"
"Fucking remember *Brett*," she sobbed. "Fucking two *years* ago!"
"Oh my God, he brought that up? I can't believe it!" exclaimed Dana.
"That's the only time I've *ever* lied to him. This is supposed
to be the best year, senior year! And look what's happened to us," she
whispered.
"It's okay," said Dana. "He loves you, he's just stressed with
school and college and football and everything."
She nodded, still crying. She lay back on the bed. Matt and
Mike worked on the project for awhile, but he kept looking over at her.
Awhile later the phone rang again.
"Hello?" groaned Dana. "Yeah, just a second."
She held the phone out, and Jen shook her head.
"She doesn't want to talk to you. I don't blame her either. . .
Yeah, I know you do. . . What?. . . Then why do you. . . Yeah,
aright." She held the phone out again. Jen still shook her head.
"I think he's sorry. . . " she told her. Jen said nothing. "No,
she won't!" she said into the phone. "No, she's right here, she just
doesn't want to. . . She won't take it. . . Aright, I guess. But if
she leaves she leaves," she told him.
Jen still lay on the bed, facing the wall. Dana pushed a button
on the phone base, putting it on speakerphone.
"Jen. . . " said a male voice. "Come on, I'm sorry. I am!"
She didn't answer him. Matt listened intently.
"Jen, please. I don't want to break up with you. You know that
I love you," he said.
"Yeah, I'm sure your friends aren't in the room," she sniffled.
"What? Aright, fine! Hold on!"
She cried, her face in her hands. They could hear him as he
yelled for his friends to come in the room.
"Okay, are you guys all here?" he asked. He sounded drunk. A
chorus of male voices sounded. "Now my girlfriend. Her name is Jen by
the way and she's very nice and very beautiful. I love my girlfriend a
lot," he whispered. Jen sobbed. "And I'm sorry I was a jerk. And I'm
saying this in front of my friends so they know too that I'm a jerk.
Jen, I love you," he whispered. "Please talk to me. I'm too drunk to
come see you 'cause I can't drive 'cause I'm drunk. And I can't find my
car," he whined.
Jen sobbed, laughing too.
"Your car's in your driveway!" someone at his house hooted.
Crying, she got up and took the phone.
"Ryan, you're drunk," she cried. "I do, I do. . . I know,
that's why it scares me when it seems were growing apart. . . Yes,
definitely. . . Yeah, I know. . . They're leaving?. . . Yeah, it's
almost 9:30. . . What?. . . You're mumbling!. . . Yes. . .
*Hello*?. . . Ryan," she said gently. "I can't hear you if you put it
on mute. . . I hear the clicks. . . "
She put the phone on mute herself. "He's putting me on mute so I
can't hear him crying. . . I can hear the clicks!" she told her.
"Ohhh! He's crying?" asked Dana.
"Ry, I love you too. . . I know. . . Sure, I'll make you
spaghetti," she told him, giggling as Dana laughed.
Matt laughed too. "Man, how much did he have to drink?" asked Mike.
"Yes I do," she said in the phone. "Yeah, sure. . . Yes, I'll
remember the sauce. . . Ryan, you are *drunk*! How much did you drink?.
. . Twelve?!?" she exclaimed. "He had twelve beers and a 40 in the last
two hours," she told them.
"Damn!" said Mike.
"No, I'm not mad at you for drinking!. . . I know. . . No, you
do. Better than me anyway. . . Well, you sorta drank too much. . .
No! You are *not* driving!. . . Yes, I do believe you. . . Yeah but
how do you need me?. . . Ryan, I think you're too drunk, honey. . .
No! That's not what I meant!. . . Ry, no! Take it off mute, please. .
. " She covered up the receiver. "Now he's all upset because he thinks
I think he can't get it up!" she whispered.
"Well, he's drunk!" exclaimed Mike.
"Yeah, I know but he. . . What?" she asked into the phone. "You
had it on mute I didn't hear the whole thing. . . No, I know. . . No,
no. It's okay. Ry, are you sure though?. . . You're just drunk. . .
You know your rule. . . I know. . . Yes, babe, I understand. . . I'm
sure you'll be passed out by the time I get up there anyway. Plus you
need your sleep!. . . Where are your parents, anyway?. . . Oh. They
didn't care?. . . Oh. . .Yes, I do. . . Baby, I love you," she
whispered. "I know you are. . . Okay. . . Yes. . . Yes, I love you. .
. No, I'm not!. . . Aright, goodnight. . . "
She hung up the phone, groaning in frustration. "He's like, 'I'm
about to pass out. I'm drunk. My posters are weird! You're mad at me
still. I love you. I'm drunk!'" she mimicked.
Dana and Mike laughed, and Matt smiled. He felt miserable,
though. She would never be his. He should just get over her, he
thought. He was wasting his time. But I love her, he thought.
*****
About two weeks later Mike's parents went up to the city for
their anniversary, spending the night in a hotel. Mike invited Matt, and
this other guy from their football team, Darin, to spend the night. They
rode their bikes around town, eating at McDonald's and hitting on girls.
Finally they returned to his house, and with nothing else to do, settled
on a game of Life. Matt felt a bit childish, but his sister and Jen
weren't there anyway.
He asked about her. "So, what did your sister do tonight?"
"Huh? Dana? Oh, she went out."
"Oh, yeah, with who?" he asked casually.
"I don't know. Probably Jen and Ryan and whoever. Why?"
"Oh, I was just wondering."
"You like his sister!" teased Darin.
"No I don't. Shut up!"
"No, he likes Jen!" laughed Mike. "He wants her ass bad."
"Shut up," he muttered. "I do not."
"Yuh huh! You always ask about her."
He ignored him, instead getting into the game. He kicked himself
for asking about her so much; he hoped if he stopped for awhile Mike
wouldn't think he liked her. He didn't know about Mike; he might tell
her. He considered himself good friends with her, although Matt didn't
know how much truth there was to that.
Awhile later they heard car doors slamming in the driveway. The
side door opened and Jen walked in. Matt gulped, taking a sip of his
soda. She was dressed up, wearing a short plaid skirt and black
stockings. From the look in her eyes he guessed she was either really
tired, really drunk, or both.
"What are you playing?" she mumbled. "Oh, Life! I love this game!"
She sat down next to Matt. She picked up Darin's little blue car
off the game board, and made it drive off the board in front of her.
"Vroom vroom!" she laughed, steering the little car off the table and
onto Matt's lap.
"Hey!" he exclaimed.
She ignored him, saying again, "Vroom vroom!" She took the
little car, dragging it up his thigh and his chest while he shrank away
from her, blushing. "Vroooooooooom," she said, now moving it up his
shoulder and his neck, giving him goose bumps from the cold plastic on
his bare skin.
Mike and Darin were laughing at her, the former saying, "Uh,
Jen? I think you're too drunk to drive!"
She looked at him, tossing the piece onto the board. "I'm not
drunk," she slurred. She looked over at Matt. "You know, you have
really pretty eyes," she told him.
Matt blushed. "Thanks."
"Ooooo, Matt," teased Darin.
Shut up!!! Matt thought. But she didn't notice.
"Ryan's pissed at me 'cause I'm drunk," she whined, putting her
head on the table. She didn't move, and Matt wondered if she was passed out.
The door opened again, and Dana and three other people came in.
She still didn't move as Dana and the two of the guys went down the hall.
The third guy looked at her, tickling her scalp with his hands.
She still didn't move. Is that Ryan? wondered Matt.
"So, I hear you're mad at her for being drunk," said Mike. It
*is* him, thought Matt.
He'd never seen him before, and he was impressed, although he
never would admit having checked out another guy. He was tall, and
strong, with brown hair which needed a haircut. Matt knew he was great
looking; he was exactly the kind of guy that every girl would check out
and compliment.
Ryan rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not. Did she say that?"
"Yeah."
"Nah. She's just drunk. She keeps asking me if I'm mad. Right,
hon?" he asked her.
"You are too mad!" she answered, sitting up. "Even if you don't
know or admit it."
"Well if you keep saying that I will get mad," he laughed.
"See! You are too mad," she repeated, whining. "I have to go to
the bathroom. Because I'm drunk," she added, giving Ryan a pointed look
as she went down the hall.
The other two guys came back in the kitchen. They sat down at
the kitchen table with the freshman. Matt felt like a baby, playing a
board game on a Friday night.
"Let's play poker," said one of them.
"Yeah. Go get cards," Ryan said to Mike, sitting down as well.
"Okay," said Mike, who went to his room.
Ryan caught Matt looking at him. "What's up?" he asked him.
"Nuthin'," said Matt, looking away.
"What are your guys' names?" he asked.
"I'm Darin."
"Matt," he said.
"You guys freshmen?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah," said Matt.
He nodded. "That's cool. You guys play poker?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure!" said Darin.
"Sure," Matt said, although he hadn't. "But I haven't in a while."
"Oh, well, we're not playing for money," Ryan told him.
"Oh. Okay," said Matt.
Mike returned with the cards and chips, and all six guys settled
into a game. The other two guys were Corey and Alan. Dana came in and
pulled up another chair, leaning her head on Alan's shoulder.
"Where's Jen?" asked Ryan.
"In my room, I think. I don't know what she's doing."
"Ah," he answered, raising Mike.
Jen returned in a few minutes, her heels off.
"What's up?" asked Ryan, his eyes on his cards.
Slinking over to him, she straddled his lap, her head on his
shoulder. Ryan continued playing, while she muttered a few things to
him. He shook his head, twice.
Matt watched as she began covering him with soft kisses, her
tongue on his neck, and ear. The other guys kept an eye on her too, Matt
noticed, while they continued the game. She kept murmuring things in his
ear, and kissing him on the mouth, fully. Ryan pretty much ignored her,
except to close his eyes when she kissed him. Matt was at a perfect
angle to see both their tongues touching as they kissed. She held his
face in her hands while she kept kissing him.
"Harper," prompted Corey. "Your turn!"
Ryan took his mouth away, leaning forward to take his turn. She
was pressed backward into the table, turning her head around to see
everyone. Her eyes met Matt's briefly, as they did the other guys'. Her
eyes were glassy. She must be really drunk, thought Matt.
She murmured again in Ryan's ear, and this time Matt heard what
she said, "Let's do it, come on, now." Ryan shook his head again,
saying, "No!"
Ryan won that game, laughing loudly at the others' misfortune.
While Alan shuffled, Jen leaned back onto the table, her legs straight
out behind Ryan's arms. She stretched her arms out, groaning. Ryan
ignored her still. She reached back and pulled the clip out of her
hair. Raising one leg over his shoulder, she sat back up, shaking her
hair down. Matt widened his eyes at his view, as her skirt fell back up
her legs, revealing the top of her black stocking and several inches of
thigh, and finally the edge of her black underwear.
"Is this turning you on?" she asked Ryan.
"It's turning me on," said Alan, laughing. Matt agreed silently,
squeezing his legs together.
"Uh, am I hard?" Ryan asked sarcastically.
The other guys laughed, and she responded by grinding her hips
into him, bucking against him while she laughed.
"Knock it off," he snapped.
"Ryan!" she whined. "Come on, please?"
The freshman guys couldn't believe their ears. Here was a girl,
a real girl, begging to be fucked. And more than that, the guy was
turning her down.
"I said no!"
She pouted, taking her leg off his shoulder. "You're mad at me,"
she whispered, leaning on his shoulder.
"I am not!" he insisted. "I don't care if you're drunk but right
now I'm trying to play a simple game of poker. Got it? I think you need
to go to bed anyway," he added.
"I'm not tired!" she whined.
"Yes, you are," he told her. "How many people here think Jen
needs to go to bed?" he asked loudly.
"Raise your hand if you're sure!" giggled Jen.
Dana, Mike, Alan, and Corey agreed with Ryan enthusiastically.
Matt didn't want her to go to bed though.
"But I'm lonely," she whined. "And it's scary in there."
"Jen, I'll be right out here," Ryan told her gently. "If any
robbers or rapists come in, just scream and I'll come in and protect you,
okay babe?"
"But," she insisted. "It's dark. What if I can't see anything
and I think it's you and I let him?" she pouted.
"Well," said Ryan. "As soon as he takes out his little tiny dick
you'll know it's not me for sure, now won't you?" he grinned.
Everyone laughed, including Jen.
"But you promise you won't leave?" she asked him sadly.
"Promise," he told her, giving her a kiss.
"Okay," she said. "But you have to put me to bed," she insisted.
"Aright, after I win this hand."
"You know I'm just kiddin'," she told him in his ear. Ryan
smiled at her, giving her a kiss.
Matt felt that same sickening pain in his stomach, the jealousy
and hurt eating away at him as he watched her with Ryan, knowing she
would never even consider him. I'm just some stupid freshman, he
thought, who plays board games on a Friday night.
After Ryan did win that hand, she dragged him out of the kitchen
and down the hall.
"I guess he's out," said Darin with a grin.
"Nah, he'll be out in a minute. He doesn't fuck her when she's
drunk," said Corey.
"Yeah, not when she's drunk," said Dana.
"Why not?" asked Darin.
Corey shrugged. "I don't know, ask him."
"I think it's because one time she like freaked out, and she
didn't know what was going on and who the hell he was. I think she was
high though too. But anyway he was pissed," said Dana.
"I'd do her when she was drunk," said Darin. Matt agreed silently.
"I know, huh?" said Alan. "He's got some control, man! I'd hit
that anytime!"
Dana sat up, rolling her eyes. She crossed her legs. Was she
going out with Alan? wondered Matt.
Alan redealed, and they waited for Ryan to come back. Dana
walked out of the kitchen, without saying anything.
Ryan passed her as he walked in. "Man, what's up?" he asked.
Alan shrugged. "I don't know."
"Does she want to get back together? She was all over you tonight."
"I don't know. She's drunk I guess. I don't really care," he
added. "I'm sort of still getting together with Michelle."
Ryan nodded, checking out his cards.
"You hit that?" asked Corey.
"Who, Michelle? Nah, not yet," answered Alan.
God, they all screw each other, thought Matt. He wondered if
Mike minded when they talked about his sister. Did he care if she had sex?
"We almost did," continued Alan. "I went muff diving," he added
with a grin.
The other seniors laughed, and Darin groaned, "Echh!"
They looked over at him. "What, you ever done it?" challenged Corey.
Darin had to admit he hadn't. "But that's nasty," he added.
"I'm not going to ever do it."
"Uh, you will if you want to get your dick sucked," laughed
Alan. "Besides, it's not nasty, huh?"
"The way I see it," said Ryan, "is that you worship it
figuratively, so you might as well get on your knees and worship it
literally! Besides, there ain't nuthin' better. . . Well, besides
fucking or getting your dick sucked," he added.
Alan agreed, nodding.
"If I die with my head with my head up in that, I'll die a happy
man!" Ryan laughed.
"It's great," agreed Corey. "You just gotta get in there, and
eat, and eat. . . " he added, demonstrating with an open mouth and
extended tongue.
Ryan and Alan laughed. Matt laughed too, wanting to seem cool anyway.
"What's your favorite position?" he asked them.
Alan shrugged. "I don't know. Doggy's pretty good."
"They're all good," said Corey. "Yeah, doggy's hot."
"I love to be ridden *like a horse*," said Ryan.
The others agreed enthusiastically. "That's nice," said Alan.
"Just lay back, and get ridden."
Matt tried to picture Jen on top. Was that her favorite position
too? Did she like to be eaten out a lot? He would do it for her. He
doubted she was nasty.
"Man, you've got some control," Alan told Ryan.
"Huh?" he grinned.
"The girl's like, on your lap, begging you, and you say no!
What's up?" asked Darin.
"Nah," he told them. "She didn't want it really. She just
wanted to be alone together I think."
Matt wondered about that. Why didn't Ryan go spend time with her
instead of playing poker with his friends?
"She gets like that sometimes," he continued. "But then she
passes out. And that's not too cool." They knew what he meant.
They played cards until almost two. Matt thought Ryan was really
cool. They talked about football, and Ryan seemed to like him. Maybe he
would mention to Jen he thought Matt was cool? They talked about sex of
course, the younger three not being able to speak from experience. But
the older trio didn't make any virgin jokes, to their relief. They felt
cool to be hanging out with them on a Friday night.
Ryan got a few beers from the car, and he drank a bit.
"You staying here, Harper?" asked Alan.
"Yeah, probably. That okay with you?" he asked Mike.
Mike nodded. "Sure. You can sleep on the sofa bed in the living room."
Dana came out. "I'm going to bed now," she said, sounding
annoyed. "And Jen's sort of on my bed. She's *out*."
"Oh, yeah. I thought you were asleep too." said Ryan.
"No, I was on the phone."
"Oh. Yeah, well, aright," he told her. "I'm out," he told the
guys, tossing his cards onto the table and standing up.
"Yeah, I gotta get going," said Alan.
"Yeah, see ya guys," said Corey to the three freshman at the
table as they left.
Mike and Ryan went into the living room, opening the sofa bed.
Mike went and got sheets and a blanket while Matt hung around, wondering
when Jen was going to come out.
Ryan brought her out, carrying her. She was completely gone, her
head resting against his arm. She was wearing some of Dana's shorts and
a T-shirt. Did he undress her? wondered Matt. He wondered what it might
be like to do that.
He put her to bed, setting her gently down on the sheets, then
covering her up with the blanket. He certainly cares for her a lot,
thought Matt, jealous. Ryan kicked his shoes off, then pulled off his
T-shirt. Matt noticed how muscular he was. He climbed into bed next to
her, on top of the blankets. Matt still stood in the kitchen doorway,
watching them, as Ryan smoothed her hair, then kissed her cheek. His
eyes filled with tears, as he once again realized she would never be his.
Ryan looked up. "Hey, can you turn out the light?" he mumbled, tired.
Matt nodded, and he and Mike went upstairs.
Matt and Darin slept on the floor in sleeping bags. All three
were tired, and so they didn't really talk much, which was fine with
Matt. He'd never felt so depressed, or empty inside. He couldn't fall
asleep, and soon he heard Mike's deep breathing.
Darin whispered, "You guys awake?" Matt ignored him, wishing he was.
He groaned inwardly as Darin quietly grabbed some Kleenex off of
Mike's desk. Matt tried to shut out the sound of Darin's rapid breathing
and rustling in the sleeping bag as he jerked off. God, can't he do it
in private? he thought, annoyed. Soon he heard him gasp, and then his
breathing began to slow down as he too drifted to sleep.
Matt lay in bed for awhile longer, pissed that he couldn't
sleep. She was sleeping herself, downstairs. He got up, trying to be as
quiet as he could. He sneaked downstairs in the quiet house, praying he
didn't walk into anything and wake everyone up.
He went into the kitchen, flipping on the light casually as he
got a drink of water. The running water was loud in the silence. He
casually walked to the doorway that led into the living room.
It was partially lit from the kitchen light, enough for Matt to
see the sleeping couple. Jen was on her side, facing Matt, Ryan behind
her. His arms were wrapped around her. Matt stared at her, and him, for
awhile. Then he went back upstairs, purposely not being very quiet. He
didn't care if they woke up.
He crawled back into his sleeping bag, biting his lip as the
tears began to fall.
Chapter 27
Ryan lay in bed, his mouth sore where Jen had hit him. He
started to cry, but couldn't get many tears out. It was over, he'd blown it.
He began to think of all the times they'd had together, trying to
remember what it felt like when she was still his. He hadn't appreciated
that feeling enough when he'd had it, he knew. But now it was too late.
Jen hated him.
He thought back to one Sunday last fall, when they were watching
the football game, lying on his bed. They'd been so stressed last fall,
with applying to college. They'd fought a lot, about other things, but
mainly it was due to the stress. Both were considering the possibility
of different schools. They had different goals anyway. He felt he was
losing her whenever she'd say how it wouldn't hurt their relationship too
much to be apart geographically. It was so upsetting to him, he'd sort
of assumed she would go with him. But of course he wanted her to be
happy, and she should go wherever she wanted.
But that day they hadn't fought once. They'd gone out the night
before, eating dinner and seeing a movie. They came back late, sneaking
into his house so as not to wake anyone up. It was so perfect, giggling
in bed and making love for hours while they tried to be quiet. Then
Sunday morning his parents made a huge breakfast. She was so much a part
of the family, he thought. She's like a sister, but of course not to
me. She's my best friend. Or she was, he thought painfully.
Then they lay on his bed, just relaxing, watching the game. He'd
thought about her, next to him, how much he loved her, and how scared he
was that he would lose her.
"Marry me," he'd said suddenly.
She looked at him. "What?"
"Marry me," he repeated.
She'd held her left hand out, moving her ring finger, his ring
always there. "What's this?" she'd asked him gently.
He'd rolled over, looking deep into her eyes. "No, I mean, now.
Before college."
"Ry! We can't get married yet," she'd said.
"Why not?" he'd asked her.
"Because," she'd sighed. "I don't want to yet."
"But, then if we go to different schools, you'll still be mine. .
. "
"Ryan! No. I will be yours anyway, got it? It doesn't matter
where we go to school."
He'd sighed.
"Ryan," she'd said gently, hugging him. "When we get married,
that's it. We're never going to live apart after that. Right?" she'd
asked him in a small voice.
"I know. But I'm just scared it'll be different, that you'll
meet someone else. . . "
"Well, I'm scared you will too."
He'd shook his head furiously. "No, Jen! I won't! I promise."
"I could never love anyone else. Comprende?"
He'd nodded. They looked at the TV for a second, which was
showing one of the player's wives, with their small son.
"What if you got pregnant?" he'd asked her suddenly.
She'd paused. "Then I'd want to get married now."
"You wouldn't want to have an abortion?"
"Ryan, no! You know I don't believe in abortion!"
"Yeah, me neither."
"I could never kill a part of me," she'd told him quietly. "And
especially, I could never kill your child, our child."
"Oh, I know. I was just asking. God, Jen, if you got pregnant
I'd marry you so fast you wouldn't believe it!"
She smiled at him. "You'd better marry me, boy!"
"I would," he promised. "I *will*."
Then Robby came in, without knocking again. It was the third
time he'd walked in on them since they'd been watching the game. He's
trying to catch us doing something, Ryan had told her.
"What's the score now?" he'd asked, casually.
"The same," Ryan had told him. "If you're so interested in the
game, why don't you watch it?"
Robby had paused. "You mean, with you?"
"No, not with us! In the living room."
"Ry!" Jen had laughed. "You can watch it with us if you want
Robby," she told him.
"No he can't. We're talking," said Ryan. "Close the door on
your way out," he told Robby.
"Fine!" he said, sullenly. "Wait, not!" he'd added over his
shoulder, leaving the door partially open. He slammed his own, next door.
"Whatta brat!"
"Ry, you're so mean. . . "
"I am not! I swear, he's just in here to spy on us. He's trying
to catch us doing something. He's such a little pervert."
She laughed. It was true.
Ryan started moaning, quietly, while Jen asked what he was
doing. He began groaning, saying, "Yes! Oh God, yes!!!!" loudly.
Laughing, she told him to stop. He didn't, still moaning and groaning.
He got into it, shouting out her name and screaming, "Yes!!!" over and
over at the top of his lungs. He began bouncing on the bed, then jumping
on it, knocking the headboard repeatedly into the wall he and Robby
shared. She laughed so hard she nearly cried, though thoroughly
embarrassed. His parents could probably hear!
And they did; soon his dad came into the room while Ryan was
still jumping on the bed, groaning and yelling her name.
"*What* is going on?" asked JR, amused but annoyed as well.
Jen, still laughing, hid her head under a pillow as Ryan fell
down on the bed, sitting next to her.
"Oh, nothing," he'd said.
"Well, keep it down. And *don't* jump on the bed, will ya?
That's something I'd have to tell Will not to do, aright?"
"Sure, no problem," he'd said.
His dad, shaking his head, closed the door.
"Dork!" Jen had called him, laughing.
"What? I bet Robby got two, three good wanks outta that!" he'd
told her with a grin.
"Oh, you're so bad," she'd teased. "Were you that perverted?"
she'd asked.
"Sure!"
"I wanna know what you did," she'd teased.
"Oh, I had the magazines. And the fantasies. And my right
hand. Sometimes my left when my right got cramped. The usual."
"I wanna see you do it," she'd whispered to him.
"What? Oh, not this again. Later, huh?"
"Okay," she'd sighed. "I'm just teasing you. . . "
"Nuh huh! I know you like it," he told her with a naughty smile.
She'd smiled back, blushing a bit.
Laying on his bed, by himself, Ryan thought about that day, and
how much she hated him now. He wanted to kill himself again. He had for
awhile.
continued. . .
Chapter 28
Jen lay on her bed. She had picked up the phone to call Dana,
but hung up before she even dialed. Dana didn't understand her as much
anymore. Jen thought she might be disgusted with her for sleeping with
Matt. She'd never said that though, just been shocked when it had
happened. Jen knew Dana wanted her to take Ryan back. Never, thought
Jen. But she wasn't as convinced as she told herself she was. However,
she was starting to get an idea that her life might continue without him,
that she wouldn't die. For the ten thousandth time she recalled what had
happened. . .
It was the fourth week of the new semester when it had happened.
Almost March. Ryan was thrilled, he had just gotten a scholarship to his
first choice school. Jen had applied there too, but hadn't heard yet
whether or not she had gotten in. He didn't listen to her concerns it
seemed, that she wouldn't get in, or that maybe she wanted to go out of
state. They'd fought about that, his not seeming to care, nor listening
to her when she talked. He always had to go, it seemed. Now that he had
been accepted, he kicked back a bit more, cutting school and partying
more. He'd gotten mad when she bugged him about that too.
But they made up. They always did, of course. But he still
didn't change much. She thought maybe they were breaking up. She was
petrified he was going to say they shouldn't limit themselves when at
school, that maybe they should see other people. He hadn't said that
though. Not yet, she had thought.
Then she starting feeling sick. She was so stressed out anyway.
Once when she was at track she nearly fainted. She had only a tiny
lunch, she told herself. She refused to think about other
possibilities. But she couldn't ignore it, the drawer in her bathroom
with her tampons in it seemed to yell at her whenever she had gone in
there. She hadn't opened the drawer in almost six weeks.
A year before, she would have called Ryan immediately. Instead
she called Dana, and they talked. She made an appointment with the
doctor. She had to be sure first. The earliest appointment was
Tuesday. All weekend she felt sick, sick to her stomach. He came over
on Friday night, and he was sweet to her, making her dinner. He hadn't
stayed long though, she thought bitterly. After all, she thought, he
wasn't going to get any, not with her feeling sick. Maybe if he had
stayed she would have told him. But he hadn't, so she didn't.
Sunday she couldn't take it anymore. She called him, and he
wasn't there. She waited for him to call back, all day she waited, but
he never did. She called again, and he still wasn't there. Will sounded
annoyed that she'd called again. That made her even more depressed.
Finally, she called Dana, sobbing and crying. Dana agreed, and promised
to come over the next day with the test. Plus, Dana told her, then you
will have talked to Ryan, and he can come over.
But she hadn't talked to him. He never called her back.
Depressed, she finally agreed to take the test with Dana there instead.
I'm sure he's just really busy, Dana told her.
She hated the sight of the test, in the little brown paper bag.
It was white, with pink and blue letters.
"This sucks," she smiled wryly to Dana, holding back tears.
"This fucking sucks."
"It's okay," Dana told her. "Jen, I promise you, it will be
okay." She read her the instructions. Echh, she had to pee on the stick.
She came out immediately, Dana sitting on her bed. They had to
wait five minutes.
"You look," Jen told her, laying on the bed. "I can't."
"Sure, I'll look. Jen, it will be okay. It might be negative."
She nodded, then smiled. "I-I guess I could put off school for a
year though," she whispered. "He said he wanted to get married now
anyway, before we went to school. . . "
"See? Jen, even if it is positive, it will all work out. Ryan
loves you *so* much. Come on, it's a beautiful thing," she told her,
although she knew it sounded corny. Hell, even she didn't believe it.
Jen smiled, then cried. Dana rubbed her back for awhile. Four
minutes had gone by. Then five, then six. Dana gulped, getting up and
going into the bathroom.
Jen's heart pounded in her chest, in her ears. She felt like she
was going to throw up. God, *please*, she prayed.
Dana was still in the bathroom, but she came out, holding the
white plastic stick. A line meant positive, no line, negative.
Jen just stared at her. "Well, tell me!"
Dana paused. "It's positive, Jen."
Jen laid back, feeling like she'd just swallowed a boulder. Or
that someone had slapped her.
"Fuck," she cried. "Fuck!" She hit her pillow.
Dana comforted her as best she could, held her best friend in her
arms while she sobbed. Damn Ryan, she thought. Where the hell is he?
Jen stopped crying after awhile, just lay there with her eyes
open, staring at nothing. She thought about it, remembering the
conversation where Ryan had said he'd marry her. She was still miserable
though. Where was he?
"Here," Dana said quietly, covering her up with the blanket.
"You rest. I'll be right back." She left, closing Jen's door.
She went out into the kitchen, finding JR Harper's number in the
phone book, and dialed.
His little brother answered. Will, she thought. "Is Ryan
there?" she asked.
"No."
"Well, when's he coming back?" she demanded.
"I don't know! I think he's at baseball practice."
"Well, you tell him to call Jen as soon as he gets home, okay?
Or to come over."
"Sure."
"Don't forget!"
"I won't! I'm writing it down as we speak!"
"Good. Good-bye."
"Bye."
She went back into Jen's room. Jen still lay there. Dana
comforted her again for awhile, while she sniffled and cried.
The phone finally rang. Jen sat up, answering it.
"Hello?" she asked. "Ryan! Where have you been?. . . I called
you yesterday twice and you never called me back. . . No, I said you
could call late!. . . Well, please come over now. Now!. . . We need to
talk. . . Six? Can't you come earlier?. . . Aright, but please come
over. . . No, I'm not pissed at you!. . . Aright, bye. . . " She hung up.
"He's gonna come over at six," she told her. "In like, an hour."
Dana left soon before six, hugging her friend, who thanked her
and cried. Six o'clock came around. Then 6:30, and 6:52, and 7:12. He
didn't come. She called him again, but he wasn't there. He'd gone out,
said his dad. She assumed he was on his way. He wasn't, apparently, and
she called him again at 9:30. He still hadn't showed up. She tried not
to scream. Crying, she laid in bed.
At 10:30 she heard a car. Her heart leapt to her throat. She
heard doors slam (doors?) and then heard him calling her name as he came
down the hall. He opened the door, and walked in. Darius, one of his
friends, followed him into her dark room, illuminated only by the television.
"Ryan!" she snapped, in tears. "You fucking said you'd be here
at six! It's almost eleven! And we need to talk *alone*."
"Sorry! I needed a ride."
She looked at him. "Oh, fucking shit. Are you drunk?"
"Nah, just buzzed. Well, maybe drunk," he laughed.
"I said we need to talk alone," she repeated, looking pointedly
at Darius.
"Uh oh, Ryan's in trouble," teased Darius.
"Fuck you, man!" snapped Ryan. "Wait in the fucking car, will
ya?" He left.
"Wait in the car," Jen murmured. She couldn't believe he was
being like this, the opposite of what she needed.
"What? What is up?" he asked her.
"We need to talk," she told him, flipping on the light. She
squinted from the bright light.
"Yeah, you already said that! Luckily, I have a voice box so
that is made possible. Hey, why are you crying? What, 'cause I'm late?"
"You said you'd be here hours ago! Why do you have to be drunk?
And you never called me back yesterday," she whined.
"Well, I'm sorry. I was busy." He didn't sound sorry. "And why
shouldn't I drink? I'm happy!"
She let it slide. Instead she got up, pulling the box out of the
garbage and tossing it to him.
He read it. "What is this, this test?" he asked slowly.
"Ryan," she whispered. "I'm pregnant. . . "
It was good to get it out, now surely he would comfort her. But
that's not what happened.
He looked at her for a second, then snapped, "Well this is just
fucking bullshit!"
"Ryan!" she gasped.
"What d'ya mean, 'I'm pregnant?'" he demanded.
"What? I-I'm pregnant. Like, gonna have a baby!"
He paused. "What are you going to do with it?"
She stared at him. "What do you mean, what am 'I' going to do
with it?!? What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, what the hell are you going to do? Are you going to
have an abortion or not?"
She sucked in her breath, her lungs filling with air. "NO I'M
NOT GOING TO HAVE AN ABORTION!!!!" she screamed at him. "What's your
problem?!?"
He jumped up. "My life was going so good right now! I can't
afford a kid."
"Oh, so it's all my fault, is it?"
"Yes. Maybe it is."
"Why?!? What, I got myself pregnant? What's your fucking problem?"
He looked at her. "You fucking did this on purpose, didn't you Jen?"
"What?" she whispered.
"You did this to keep me with you, to keep me from going
somewhere else, huh?"
"Fuck you!" she screamed. "How dare you say that shit to me!
How could you think I would do that?!?"
"Oh, yeah sure. Good move there. Real smooth. Maybe we should
be considering our future anyway. I mean, we are moving away and all."
"What?" she gasped. "You're fucking breaking up with me?!? You
fucking asshole!" she screamed.
"I didn't say that!" he yelled at her. "So, how long has it been?"
She seemed disoriented. "I don't know, like, a month maybe."
"Oh really? I wasn't even here a month ago! I went to UCLA with
my parents! So, whose kid is this?"
"You, are the biggest fucking prick I have ever met in my
life!!!" she sobbed. "Goddamn you James Ryan Harper!"
"Do you think I'm going to sit around and raise someone else's
brat?!? I don't think so! Goddamn *you *Jen! I have worked too hard to
get where I am right now. *Too* hard, got it?" he screamed, slurring his
words.
She just stared at him. No longer crying, she was filled with
anger. "Get out of my house!!!" she told him. "Get the fuck out!!!"
He closed his eyes for a second. "Listen, I'm leaving. I'll
call you tomorrow," he told her calmly, stumbling as he walked to her door.
"No you won't!" she yelled. "Fuck you!"
He waved her away with his hand.
She sat down on her bed, her only thought being she needed to
die. I'm gonna kill myself, she thought. Then he'll be sorry. I'm
gonna fuckin' kill myself!
She lay on the bed, nearly hyperventilating, as she thought of
how many pills she had at her disposal, and bleach.
The phone rang. She stared at it. She snatched it up angrily.
"Hello?" asked Dana's voice. "Hello?"
She sobbed into the phone, crying that she was going to kill
herself. Dana freaked out, finally getting Jen to calm down enough to
promise that she would stay right there until Dana could get there, and
not to do anything.
*****
She had stayed at Dana's house the next day, Dana's mom keeping
an eye on her while she went to school. She just told her that Jen was
really sick, and to check on her often. Dana was scared Jen would kill
herself while her parents were at work. Dana and Jen went to the doctor
like planned, and she received some counseling about her options.
She was still severely depressed, but Dana took care of her as
she stayed over that night, making sure she showered, and ate, and did
her homework. Ryan never called.
Wednesday she went back home with Dana, wondering if there would
be a message from Ryan on her machine. There were several hang-ups, but
it didn't mean it was Ryan, she thought. Then there was one from her doctor.
"Hi, Jen, this is Dr. Mason. I'm calling about the results of
your test. I know you took a home pregnancy test that indicated you were
in fact pregnant, and, but we checked your sample several times, and they
all came out negative. . . "
Jen screamed, gasping while the message continued. Dana hugged her.
". . . Now there does seem to be an excess of a certain type of
hormone, which might lead to a positive result on certain types of
tests. We should discuss possibly moving you to a different kind of
contraceptive, so please call me. . . "
Dana was hugging her, and Jen was crying, so relieved.
"Oh my God, oh my God!" she gasped. "I can't believe it! Oh
thank you Jesus!" Then she started to sob.
*****
That night Jen stayed home by herself, doing her homework and
pondering her life. It had changed her. She was different now, even
from who she was a week ago. She hated Ryan, that much she knew. No one
had ever hurt her as much as he had. He was selfish. It was over with
him; she'd never hated anyone so much in her life, she told herself over
and over. Part of her screamed that she was nothing without him, but she
pushed those thoughts aside. He still hadn't called. I hate him, she
thought fiercely.
She looked at her college catalogs, with the pictures of the
laughing people at the games, and in the dorms. She began to get
excited, ignoring the dull ache in her heart. She thought of all the
guys she would meet. Me and Ryan were too serious, she told herself.
It's good we broke up, she thought, even though she didn't believe it.
The phone rang. Maybe it's Ryan, she thought. She kicked
herself for thinking that.
"Hello?" she asked.
"Jen, I'm sor. . . " Ryan's voice started to say. She hung up on
him before he could finish.
Holding her pillow tightly and crying, she lay on her bed, hating
him. How could she take him back when she hated him? She would never
forgive him. He didn't really love her. He couldn't. He just liked to
fuck her.
It rang again. She let the machine pick up.
"Jen, I know you're there. Come on, we need to talk. Please?
I'm sorry I wasn't very understanding. . . "
She snatched up the phone. "Understanding? Understanding? Well
isn't that the understatement of the century!" she screamed at him.
"Jen, I'm sorry! I was drunk, I didn't know what I was
thinking," he begged. "I'm sorry babe!"
"Oh, no," she said calmly. "I don't think so. What ever
happened to not excusing someone's behavior because they were drunk?
Don't you remember saying that to me? Remember Brett?"
"Come on, please. It's me, Ryan! We need to talk about this."
"Screw you."
"Come on!"
"Fuck you. We're through," she snapped, hanging up on him.
He didn't call back. He called Dana instead, but she yelled at
him, telling him he was scum before she hung up on him too.
Chapter 29
Matt had tried to forget about Jen after that night when they'd
played poker, and told himself he had. He didn't see her anymore at
Mike's. He asked another girl, Lindsay, to Homecoming. He liked her
too. But he didn't ask her out, and eventually they stopped talking.
But Jen was always in the back of his mind, whenever he saw her
he felt the same rush of nervousness, feeling sick to his stomach. One
time during lunch, she walked by his group on her way to the parking
lot. One of his friends said something about her, about her looks or
something. Darin told them Matt was in love with her, and that she'd
told him he had pretty eyes. Matt was humiliated, and felt sick again,
when his friend, Michael (not Mike) grabbed her backpack as she walked
by, saying, "Hey Matt! Look, it's your girl!" All his friends had
laughed. She totally ignored them. She hates me, thought Matt.
He was pissed at Mike, too, because he found out from Darin that
Mike had told Jen Matt had a crush on her. She never talked to him
though. She must think I'm a dork, he thought, always insecure. He
prayed he wouldn't see her much anymore.
But in the beginning of February she was on his track team, and
he was elated inwardly. He knew he was going to start liking her again,
although he had to admit he hadn't ever stopped. But he didn't want to
like her, after all, it was pointless. He'd spent too much time already
pining away after her.
But he was still happy, and he talked to her sometimes, hoping
she wouldn't laugh at him.
She got sick once, and didn't come to school for three days in a
row. He was disappointed. Mike said she was so sick she was at his
house. Matt was jealous. But on Thursday she came to school, and they
had a track meet, the first one of the year. It was just a practice
meet. She was very quiet, and didn't smile at all. She must be sick
still, he thought. She did her event, the hurdles, but came in second to
last. She didn't look like she tried very hard, or even cared.
His parents came to watch him run towards the end. Jen was still
being quiet, sitting by herself on the grass. His mom and dad were
talking to some other parents, and Matt, Michael, and Terry sat and
watched the final events next to them. Matt watched Jen though,
instead. What's the matter? he thought. He wanted to give her a hug.
Terry noticed Matt staring at her, and laughed.
"Hey Jen!" he yelled. Matt freaked, telling Terry to shut up.
He didn't though. "Come here!" he yelled at her.
She looked over at them, then looked away.
"Hey Jen," Terry yelled. "Matt has something to say to you!"
His parents were watching too, interested, and Matt felt like he
was going to throw up. He kept telling them to shut up. Jen looked over
again, and Terry yelled for her. She slowly got up and walked over to
them. Matt didn't look at her.
She stood in front of him. "You wanted to say something to me?"
she asked, slowly.
He shook his head, then looked away. She stared at him for a
second, annoyed.
"Yuh huh you do!" laughed Terry. "He wants to tell you that he
loves you."
"Shut up! I do not love you," he told her, rudely.
She raised her eyebrows at him, and started to walk away.
"No, wait Jen! Come back. Matt's just too shy to tell you how
he really feels."
She stood there still, sighing. She looked so tired.
"Matt has a boner for you," added Michael. "He has wet dreams
about you."
Matt's head spun. He was so humiliated. And his parents were
right there, listening! "Shut up," he mumbled.
"Are you a virgin?" asked Terry. "Because Matt wants to know if
you'll sleep with him."
She rolled her eyes at him, looking sad.
"Shut up!" Matt said. "She has a boyfriend," he added, hoping
they would leave her alone.
She looked at him. "No I don't," she said, sounding disgusted at
him. "I don't have one anymore."
His eyes widened. "You broke up?" he asked, incredulously. Why?
he wondered. That's probably why she was gone.
She nodded.
"So, it's your big chance Matt!" said Terry. "He wants you bad,"
he told her. "Will you let him fuck you?"
"Fuck off," she said over her shoulder, walking away.
Did she mean for him to fuck off too? he wondered. She probably
did. See, he thought, she hates me! She knows I like her and now she
hates me. His parents were quiet. Thank God they didn't say anything.
He sat there, hating his friends and his life until it was time to leave.
He called Mike, wanting to find out what had happened. Mike
hadn't known they'd broken up, and he didn't believe it.
"She was probably kidding," he said.
"But she looked really sad," he told him.
"Hmm. I'll find out from Dana when she gets home. Hey dude, my
parents are going away this weekend. I think Dana's having a party.
Wanna come?"
"Sure!" he answered. Did he ever!
Chapter 30
Ryan felt miserable. He felt sick. He couldn't remember what
possessed him to say that shit to Jen. She was right, he was different
around some of his friends, Darius among them. He felt like the biggest
jackass on the planet. And the loneliest. And now Jen was going to have
his baby, and he'd never see his child, or Jen, again. She'll forgive
me, he thought. She has to. She fucking has to.
Thursday he showed up at her house. He had called earlier, but
she'd hung up on him again. She heard his car in her driveway. She
slammed her math book down on her bed.
He rang the doorbell, then came in anyway. She walked out of the
hall, staring him down. Her parents were gone, luckily.
"Jen, please. Talk to me! I'm not going to take no for an answer."
"Get out."
"Don't do this. You can't stay mad at me forever. I don't want
you to have an abortion. I'll marry you, I mean it!" he told her, pleading.
"It doesn't matter now. We're through." She shook her head,
repeating, "It doesn't matter now."
"Yes it does matter!"
She closed her eyes for a moment, and then turned around and
walked into her room. He followed her, sitting on her chair while she
played the message from the doctor on the machine. He listened, then
dropped his jaw.
"You're not pregnant? Oh yes!"
"Get out!" she screamed at him.
"Come on, donUt be like that! I love you!"
"You don't love me! You never loved me!" she screamed. "You're
not capable of love! You're only capable of loving yourself. I told
you, get out! I'm gonna call the cops if you don't. I mean it!" she yelled.
"Just listen to me, okay? I'm telling you I'm sorry, and I mean it."
"I hate you Ryan."
He put his face in his hands. "I love you," he repeated in a
whisper. "I fucking love you Jen!"
"It's over Ryan. It is over!"
He shook his head, saying, "No, baby, can't you forgive me?
Please? I love you! Come on, just forgive me. You know we have to work
at relationships!"
"Oh, don't *even* give me that. Don't even!" she screamed at
him. "To a Goddamn extent, yes! This is different, oh my God is this
different!
"Come on, Jen! Baby, I'm sorry!"
She closed her eyes again, shaking, covering her ears with her
hands. She shook her head again.
She felt his touch on her shoulder, and her eyes flew open,
pushing him away.
"You're not sorry. You don't understand, do you?"
"No, I do understand, but, I'm begging you. Come on, please
forgive me," he begged, getting down on his knees in front of her.
"Asshole!" she screamed, backing away. "I hate you! The reason
you think I should forgive you is because you don't understand what you
did. You don't know how bad it was. You don't fucking understand how
much you hurt me! You don't even understand! I hate you!" she sobbed.
"No, don't say that! I know, I hurt you. I wish I was dead. I
never meant to hurt you. Please, don't break up with me."
"Break up with you? Me? Excuse me? You broke up with me!"
"No I didn't!"
"Oh, yes you did. You fucking did! Your actions told me you
didn't want me. You broke up with me Monday night! Now we're fucking
through!"
He shook his head, starting to cry. "No, I didn't! I need you,
Jen! Please, don't do this to me!"
"To you! God, you are so selfish! You you you! Get out!" she
screamed, running down the hall.
He followed her, grabbing her while she threw open the front door.
"Get out!" she repeating, still sobbing. "You fucking get out
right now or I'll call the cops!"
"Jen. . . " he begged.
"You are not welcome here anymore," she told him, coldly. "Now leave!"
He backed away, staring at her, his eyes red from crying.
"Get out," she repeated.
He left, still staring at her, whispering, "Please. . . It's not
over. . . "
She slammed the door in his face, locking it.
*****
Jen lay on her bed. She thought for an hour, just thinking about
what had just happened and what her life was now. She hadn't taken him
back. Surely that was a sign of strength, that she hadn't given in. He
had probably expected me to, she thought disgustedly. She would never
take him back, ever.
Dana said she was going to have a party on Friday night, to cheer
Jen up. Her parents were gone, and Jen said she wanted to get completely
trashed.
The week before she had gone to the bookstore for something, and
had met a guy who had been hitting on her. She didn't tell him she had a
boyfriend, but just smiled and shook her head when he had asked for her
number. He insisted on giving her his number though. He had been really
cute, extremely good looking actually. What was his name? Kevin?
Kasey? She couldn't remember. What had she done with the number? She
searched her purse, finally finding the folded bank statement with the
number on it. Kasey.
She looked at the number for awhile, dreaming of how great it
would be if Ryan came over and she was talking to another guy, like she
had gotten over him already. She called him.
He remembered her! He was nice, a bit quiet though. He had a
friend over, and was talking to him off and on in the background. Jen
hated that, when Ryan ever did that to her she used to hang up on him if
he wouldn't stop. He would always call back, sorry. But she couldn't
hang up on Kasey--he would think she hated him. She told him about the
party at Dana's the next night. He seemed interested, and she gave him
the address. He said he'd try to make it, and that maybe he'd see her there.
Finally she hung up, shaking, still hearing his voice in her
head. It was a nice voice, she thought. She smiled, willing herself to
like Kasey. That would hurt Ryan for sure, she thought. Then maybe he'd
get it.
Chapter 31
As soon as he showered after track practice, he went over to
Mike's. He walked over; he didn't want his mom to ask to speak to Mike's
mom when she dropped him off. He had tried to dress cool, in blue jeans
and a long-sleeved cotton shirt. He wondered if there would be any
girls there, any *new* girls. He was pretty sure Jen would show up, but
he knew she wasn't interested in him. But maybe she'll think I'm cute,
he had reasoned, brushing his hair as he looked in the mirror. He even
shaved, so his face was smooth. Maybe now that she doesn't have a
boyfriend she'll be on the make for new guys, he hoped.
He asked Mike casually when he went over if he'd ever found out
why they had broken up. He had said he would ask his sister. Mike told
him the whole story.
Matt was shocked, saying over and over, "Whatta dick!" He
couldn't believe the way he had treated her. What an asshole! He tried
to imagine how scared Jen must have been when she thought she was
pregnant. He felt relieved for her that she wasn't. He wondered if she
would be really depressed that night. He wondered when she was going to
show up. He was scared she never would.
Several of Dana's friends came over first, mostly seniors, a few
juniors. There was one sophomore guy, who hung out with the seniors.
Some of them looked unfamiliar, and Matt wondered if they went to
different schools. That was a definite mark of coolness, he thought, to
know people that you didn't even go to school with. Finally Jen showed
up, and she didn't look depressed at all. She was laughing in fact, and
smiled at Matt when she looked at him. She started to drink, getting
even happier as the night wore on.
A couple of people gathered in the kitchen, and Matt sat at the
table. Someone had given him a beer, and he tried to like it. It was
disgusting though. It gave him a headache too, although he had to admit
he started laughing a bit more easily. People were whispering about Jen
and Ryan all night, and he strained his ears to hear what they were
saying. He couldn't catch anything but their names though. The music
was loud, and Jen insisted on playing this certain Rolling Stones song
over and over. She got in a fight with this guy, who, ignoring her
pleas, switched it to something else.
Pouting, she came back into the kitchen, grabbing another drink.
She sat at the table, and Matt, in nervousness, started tapping his feet
uncontrollably.
"What are you *doing*?" she asked him.
He was surprised. "Uh, nothing."
"You are so *silly*!" she told him, smiling.
He sat there in stunned silence, trying to think of something to
say. But she continued talking to other people.
There were a lot of cute girls there, a lot of them were older.
A couple girls who he didn't know asked him what grade he was in, and
seemed surprised that he was a freshman. They told him he looked much
older. But then they didn't pay much attention to him. A few freshman
girls that Mike had invited all hung out with the older guys, and Matt
felt depressed. It isn't fair, he thought.
He sat like a stone at the kitchen table, his head starting to
hurt. He had only had one beer though, but he'd never drank before. Was
he drunk? He didn't know.
Everyone was so happy around him, it seemed. Even Jen was
laughing, and flirting it seemed, with guys. She had a whole flock
around her. Matt felt sick.
Jen kept asking what time it was. Matt kept telling her. What
was she waiting for? he wondered. Did she have to leave? He hoped not.
He hoped they wouldn't let her drive.
Jen sat on the counter, crossing her legs. Matt stared at her,
then looked away when she looked at him. She played with a pen, while
some guy talked to her quietly. She didn't look at him. Matt was dying
to know what they were talking about. Was he asking her to go back into
one of the bedrooms with him?
A girl came in suddenly, saying something to Jen. Matt didn't
hear the whole thing, except for Ryan's name. Jen turned pale, rubbing
her legs nervously.
She shrugged. "I don't care," she said loudly. Matt could tell
that wasn't the truth.
She continued talking to the guy, all of a sudden seeming to take
a new interest in him. Ryan came in the kitchen, stopping as he saw
her. She ignored him. Matt watched nervously. Would they fight? He
hoped not. He didn't want to see her cry again.
Ryan walked up to her, and she looked down as he started to talk
to her, not looking at him. The other guy paused and then left after
Ryan stared him down.
Matt couldn't hear much of what they were saying. He wished
someone would turn the stupid music down. He could tell he was trying to
get Jen to talk to him. She wouldn't even look at him, though, ignoring
him and playing with the pen. Good girl Jen, thought Matt.
Dana came in, and so did Corey, who hadn't been there before,
both sitting at the table too. Listening as well. The loud music shut
off, as someone turned on the television instead. Now they could hear.
"Will you please look at me?" begged Ryan.
Playing with the pen, it shot out in front of her, hitting the
table and skidding onto the floor. Matt jumped. She started laughing.
"You're drunk," said Ryan.
"Yeah? And you know what? I was having a good time until a
couple of minutes ago!" she told him.
"Let's go somewhere where we can talk."
"How about. . . not!" she laughed.
"Jen, please! I know I hurt you, but you can't just give up on
me, on us."
"You know what Ryan? If you had hit me, that would have hurt me
less than what you did," she said suddenly.
"Jen! You know I would never hit you!"
"Yeah, but if you had, it would have hurt me less!" she repeated.
He paused, staring at her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm
so sorry."
"That's nice. You're right though, you *are* sorry."
"Come on Jen!"
"Fuck you!" she snapped. Uh oh, thought Matt. "Go away!"
Ryan sighed. He didn't say anything, just stood there next to her.
"Did he ever show up?" asked Dana suddenly, completely randomly.
Jen smiled at her. "No," she said, sounding annoyed. "He
didn't! I called him but he wasn't there."
"Oh, well, he hadn't *promised* that he would come."
"Yeah, he hadn't *promised*," said Jen.
"Who?" asked Ryan. Matt was wondering the same thing.
Jen didn't answer.
"Who are you talking about?" he repeated. "Oh, I get it. Gimme
a break, Jen! I'm not about to believe you're over me already! Not
after three years!"
"Well can't you let me try?!?" she demanded, sounding upset.
"That's the last thing I'm about to do."
"Why did you have to come, Ryan?" she whined. "You ruining my
night! I was having fun until you came!"
"Jen, please!"
She jumped off the counter, running down the hall. Ryan started
to follow her, but she came back into the kitchen immediately.
She held out a white business envelope to him, saying, "Take it.
This is yours. . . "
"What is it?" he asked.
"Take it," she repeated, handing it to him.
He took it, opening it. He shook his head furiously, saying,
"Jen, no! No! This is yours! Jen, it's not over, come on!" he
whispered, taking the small shiny item out of the envelope and trying to
give it to her.
She wouldn't take it, saying, "No. I don't want it. You know,
it doesn't have my name on it. It's not useless; I'm sure you can always
give it to someone else," she said nonchalantly.
Ryan bit his lip, trying not to cry in front of everyone. He
shook his head again, slowly. "No, Jen! Don't say that. I could never
give it to anyone else. This is your ring. Take it."
"No," she said coolly.
He stared at her.
"I don't want it. It's a lie," she told him.
His eyes widened, and he shook his head furiously. Matt saw a
tear run down one cheek. "It's not. . . " Ryan whispered.
She nodded. "Yes it is. It is! You said you'd always be here
for me. And you weren't! When I needed you *most* you weren't there!"
she accused him, her voice wavering. Matt wondered if she was about to
cry. "When I needed you you spat on me! On our whole fucking
relationship! You told me to fuck off. You can have your stupid fucking
ring."
"I'm sorry!" he said again. "I take it back, baby, I do! You
and I belong together. I'm so sorry. Don't you love me anymore? Take
the ring; it's yours anyway," he whispered.
"No."
He swallowed, then grabbed her hand, forcing her to take the
ring. She yelped, trying to twist away.
"This is your ring!" he repeated. "I won't take it back. Even
if you don't take me back," he whispered, in tears. "I *won't* take it
back."
"Oh yeah?" she asked him, backing away from him, holding the ring
in a clenched fist in front of her. "This is my ring? To do with what I
want?" she stumbled. "Fine," she laughed. She spun on her heal, nearly
tripping as she ran into the hall. He took a step forward to follow her,
but then stopped. They heard the toilet flush, and he stepped back suddenly.
She came back into the kitchen triumphantly. Everyone was
staring at her, except for Ryan, who was back leaning against the
counter, crying silently.
"That's what I think of the ring," she told him, although it was
unnecessary.
"I love you," he whispered.
She just looked at him. Matt wondered if she would give in, if
she would say she loved him too. Her face was expressionless.
"Well, I guess you really blew it then, didn't you?" she told him coldly.
He wiped his eyes, staring at her, and she stared right back. He
walked out of the kitchen, Corey following him. The door slammed as they
left.
Jen stood there, shaking, not looking as confident as she had a
minute ago. There were a lot more people in the kitchen, who had come to
listen when they heard her yelling.
"Jen!" exclaimed Dana. "Oh my God! I can't believe you flushed
his ring down the toilet!"
"What? Why?" Jen asked, disoriented. "It's over. I don't care."
"Oh, Jen, I think he's sorry. You guys will get back together."
"No we won't!"
"Come on," Dana said. "You should forgive him."
"Why? Who the hell's side are you on, anyway?" she snapped.
"Your side! But come on, he loves you!"
"No, he doesn't love me. He doesn't!" she yelled. "If he's so
great, why don't you go out with him!"
"Oh come off it!"
"Screw you! Your supposed to be on my side. Everybody's against
me," she said, starting to cry.
"We're not against you! Jen, hey come on Jen!" Jen had fled
down the hall, slamming the bathroom door shut behind her.
Dana pounded on the door, concerned Jen was trying to kill
herself. Jen kept telling her to fuck off. Finally, she came out,
crying still.
Dana hugged her, as did a couple other friends of hers, telling
her she should just lay down and try to rest. Matt stood at the end of
the hall as the big group took her, protesting, into Dana's room. Then
they all came out, turning off the light so Jen could sleep.
Matt was concerned, and part of him wanted to sneak in there and
look at her. Maybe kiss her cheek, and cover her up with the blanket
like Ryan had done that time. But she'd probably tell him to get out.
He wished he was home, in his own bed.
He resigned himself to watching television. As it got later,
more people left. Dana was drunk, and laying on the floor talking to
some guy. Mike sat in a chair in the living room, watching TV with him.
But some chick was sitting on Mike's lap, and they were both giggling.
Pretty soon they got up and went down the hall. A few other people sat
in the kitchen, talking and finishing the rest of the alcohol off. Matt
had never felt so alone.
He wanted to go to bed, but knew he wouldn't be able to fall
asleep. He had figured he'd sleep in Mike's room like he usually did,
but he guessed not. His head still hurt, but not as much. He was
grateful he hadn't drunk more. Or maybe he should have gotten smashed,
so he could have been passed out by now.
He heard Jen come down the hall. She looked really gone, her
eyes were swollen, and she had dark circles under them. But she was
still beautiful, he thought. She walked by them, nearly falling down as
she opened the front door.
Dana sat up. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"Home," Jen mumbled. "I'm goin' home."
"No, Jen!" Dana exclaimed, getting to her feet dizzily. She
grabbed her hand, trying to pull her back inside. "Stay here. You can't
leave. You're drunk!"
"No, I can drive," Jen stumbled. "It's not very far."
"No you're drunk!" Jen started to cry again. "It's okay, I'm
drunk too! We're both drunk. We're sisters!"
Jen started to laugh, then cry again. "Well, then I'll walk
home. I need to get home!" she sobbed.
"No, you're staying here!"
"No. You can't stop me from leaving. I gotta go. There's
things I need to do at home."
"No there's not. You stay here."
"No! I'm leaving," she sobbed, heading out into the black night.
"Wait, Jen! Stay!" yelled Dana after her. "I'll get someone to
drive you home! Just a minute, okay? Come back here, though."
Matt still sat there, watching quietly. Jen stood in the
doorway, crying. I could drive her home, he thought. Driving is easy.
Unless it's a stick shift. I can probably drive an automatic.
Dana ran into the kitchen. Everyone there was drunk, still
drinking. Nobody could drive, Matt heard them all saying it.
The guy on the floor looked at Matt, sitting on the couch
quietly. "Hey, why don't you take her home?" he slurred. "Are you drunk?"
Matt shook his head.
Dana looked at him. "No, he's a freshman. He can't drive."
"Well she doesn't live far. He can walk her home. He's just a
freshman, nothing's gonna happen," the guy told her.
Matt blushed.
"Yeah, Matt," said Dana, looking at him. "Okay. Can you walk
her home? It would be a big favor. Make sure she gets home safely.
Please?"
"Sure," he said, standing up and glancing nervously at Jen. "No problem."
continued. . .
Chapter 32
Matt finally talked to Mike. Mike was being such a prick to him,
acting like he did rape her or something. Matt got mad. His friend's
whole attitude seemed to be that he wasn't good enough for Jen. Fuck
Mike, he thought angrily.
Matt was still angry otherwise. It had changed him of course,
the whole thing. Maybe it had been a learning experience. Well,
obviously it had been a learning experience, he thought. He felt liked
he'd matured, aged several years in the period of a few weeks. It gave
him more confidence. But at the same time he had lost faith in people,
in girls especially.
He hadn't ever called her. He hoped it would send the message
that he didn't need her. He resented her in a way. She was so full of
it, he thought. He hurt inside still, especially when he thought about
how she'd told him they could be friends. They never talked though.
They barely acknowledged each other. She wasn't *mean* to him, and she
said hi when she saw him, but it didn't seem like she was really making
an effort to be his friend. She probably just said we can be friends to
get me out of her face, he thought bitterly.
She'll be leaving soon, he thought. She was graduating in a few
months. Then maybe she'd move far away to go to school. He hoped the
knowledge that she would be gone soon would force him to forget about
her, but it wasn't happening.
She was different too, he noticed. She had a different look
about her, no longer sweet looking, laughing and smiling all the time.
There was just a darker look in her eyes, if you could call it that.
Maybe she resented him, he wondered. He wondered if it hadn't been for
him, maybe she would have gotten back together with Ryan. I don't care
anyway, he told himself.
He always looked forward to practice though. There was still
almost two months left of the season, he reasoned. That was practically
the only time he ever saw her anyway. They talked some, he admitted.
But only about superficial things. Not like they were friends. I don't
like her anymore anyway, he thought.
He decided he liked Lauren, a girl in his English class. He sat
next to her, and he thought she flirted with him. Ha, he thought
triumphantly one day, when he was walking out of class with Lauren,
laughing about something. Jen walked by, and looked at them. He ignored
her, hoping she'd think he never cared about her in the first place, and
that maybe he had been using her for sex. He hoped she was dwelling on
it, hurting inside as much as he did.
His high spirits came crashing down one day during practice. The
whole team was waiting for the coach to come. Some people were playing
Frisbee, others sitting in small groups on the grass. He noticed a
couple of guys, stoners, he thought. They were just standing there,
looking towards the team. He didn't think much about them.
But then they walked by, slowly, as though they were leaving.
One guy hung back, stopping to watch the Frisbee game as though it were
interesting. He glanced over at them, sitting in the bleachers. His
friend continued on, pausing several yards ahead, to wait for his friend.
Matt noticed a girl, Carrie, poking Jen. Carrie was a junior,
and she and Jen hung out sometimes during practice. He could hear what
they were saying.
"Go see him," Carrie was insisting. "He wants to talk to you!"
Jen was hesitant. "No, maybe he's not here to see me. He might
be here for something else. . . "
"Oh, like what? To watch the Frisbee game? Come on, go see him!"
Jen still hung back. "Well. . . "
"If you don't I'm going to call him over here and tell him you
want to talk to him. What's his name, Kasey?"
"No, don't! Come on. I'll go over there in a minute. He could
come see me. . . "
Carrie looked over at the guy, dragging his shoe in the dirt,
standing by himself. He glanced over at them and looked away. Matt felt
sick; they like each other! he realized. She's gonna go out with him!
"Oh, Jen! He's shy!" said Carrie.
Jen said nothing.
"Oh, Jen! *You're* shy!" Carrie exclaimed. "Are you shy Jen?"
Jen blushed. "No! It's just that, I don't know."
"See, you went out with that other guy for so long that you
forgot what to do, huh?"
"I don't know. . . " Jen trailed. "Maybe. . . "
"Just go talk to him. I can tell he wants to see you. If you
don't I'll call him over here!" she threatened.
"Fine, okay," sighed Jen. She paused, then stood up. Matt
watched as she tried to casually walk over to the guy. The guy, Kasey?
Matt wondered, smiled at her, reaching out to hold her hand briefly.
They stood close together, talking and smiling at each other. Matt
wondered if they were going to kiss, they were leaning in so close. He
looked away, but couldn't keep his eyes off her, and them. He felt like
a fool, thinking how stupid he was to think she would be hurting by his
ignoring her. Fool, he thought to himself.
Finally, they parted, him holding her hand again as he slowly
walked away. He didn't turn around to see her, still standing there. He
rejoined his friend and they left.
Jen watched him walk away, then turned and, blushing Matt
noticed, walked back towards Carrie and the rest of the group.
"See! What'd he say? Did he ask you out?" Carrie demanded.
"No!" Jen smiled. "But he did come here to see me. . . "
"Duh!"
"He didn't have my phone number," Jen continued. "He lost it.
But he knew I went here and did track."
"So, is he gonna call you?"
Jen nodded.
"Are you gonna go out with him?"
She shrugged.
"Jen!" exclaimed Carrie. "He's so cute! He totally likes you
too, I can tell. Why don't you want to go out with him?"
She shrugged again. "I don't know, I didn't say that. I don't
know. . . " she repeated.
"What's your problem? Don't you want a boyfriend?"
"I don't know. . . Like you said, I mean, I just broke up with
someone after three years. I mean, I want a boyfriend, but I don't
know. You think I should go out with Kasey?" she asked shyly.
"Yes!" Carrie answered firmly.
"Why don't you go out with Matt?" asked Terry suddenly, who'd
been a witness to the whole thing as Matt had.
Both girls turned around, looking at Matt and Terry sitting
behind them.
"What?" Jen asked.
"You should go out with Matt," said Terry. "Why don't you?"
She looked at him. "Well, me and Matt are just friends. We
already talked about it," she told him.
"Well, you don't act like your friends with him," he pointed
out. "Why don't you ever talk to him?"
Matt muttered his usual "shut up,' which was, like usual,
ignored. But his temper suddenly flashed before Terry or Jen could say
anything else.
"Why don't you FUCK OFF?" he said angrily to Terry, but while
staring Jen right in the eyes.
Her eyes widened, and she stared at him. He realized his
mistake, and turned to Terry.
"Just fuck off," he told him. "Will ya?"
"God, Matt! Sorry!" he answered.
"You'd better be," he told him, still angry. He'd had enough of
his friends' shit.
Jen was still looking him in the eye. She didn't look mad, but
just looked at him. Then she smiled, and turned away.
*****
The next day was an ordinary day, i.e. they didn't talk, just did
their own thing. At the end of practice Matt was bringing in some stuff
into the equipment room with a few other guys. It was a big heavy mat,
for the high jumpers, and they were laughing and breathing hard as they
finally got it to the door. Laughing, they dropped the pit onto the
ground. Matt halted, seeing Jen in there with a guy. It was Ryan.
Jen was in tears, practically. They stopped talking, looking
over at the guys staring in at them. Jen's eyes met Matt's, then Ryan's
did. He looked back at Jen. What could he say? She was still near
tears, obviously upset. Ryan looked either angry or earnest.
He asked the main thing on his mind. "You okay, Jen?"
Ryan gave him a dirty look. "Yeah, she's okay! She's with me, aright?"
Jen narrowed her eyes at Ryan, who was still glaring at Matt.
Matt wasn't going to run away. Not this time. "Yeah, well then
why's she upset?" he countered.
He took a step toward Matt, but Jen jerked him back. "Leave him
alone!" she snapped. "He never did anything to you! He never touched
anything of *yours*!" she seethed.
He stepped closer to her, staring her dead in the eye. He leaned
in. "I made you mine two years ago," he whispered fiercely, loud enough
that Matt could hear. "You will *always* be mine."
Ryan stepped back, and she stood there, frozen. He stared at her
some more, then turned and walked out, giving Matt a disgusted look.
Matt wanted to hit him, but he was already walking away. Instead
he looked over at Jen, still standing there, shaking. He walked toward
her, touching her lightly on her shoulder. "You okay?" he repeated.
She jumped from his touch. "What? Yeah, I'm fine," she told
him, looking around.
"Yeah?" he asked her. "What, is he still trying to get you to
come back to him?" he asked, curious, and wanting to comfort her, maybe
help her.
She nodded tearfully. "I hate him," she whispered. "I hate him
Matt. . . " The tears began to fall.
He awkwardly put his arm around her, and she went to him, needing
to be held. He put both his arms around her, hugging her tight. He
looked over at the other guys still staring in. He motioned for them to
leave, feeling like she needed him, and he was being there for her.
Isn't that what she wants? he asked himself. Someone to be there for her?
"It's okay," he whispered. "Don't cry. . . "
It was too much like that night, only a few weeks ago. It seemed
an eternity longer than that to him though. She cried on his shoulder,
and he shushed her, telling her it was aright, just trying to be there
for her. But now there was no "danger" of sex. Or was there? he
wondered. He'd still take her, if that's what she wanted. Maybe she was
now realizing, in his arms, that he *was* what she needed? he wondered.
Maybe she's thinking she really *does* like me like that, he hoped. She
felt so good in his arms, against his chest, as he held her tightly. It
was so right, *so* right he thought, as he fought his own tears back.
They stood there for awhile, hugging each other until her crying
stopped. She pulled away, wiping her eyes. He stared down at her. She
smiled awkwardly.
"I'm sorry. . . " she began. "I'm sorry, I just needed a hug I
guess. . . "
He shook his head. "No, Jen, you apologize too much. I understand."
She smiled again weakly. "I'm just- I don't know, it's so
horrible right now. It's like I'm dead, and I just don't know it. . . "
He nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he told her.
Chapter 33
Matt sat on his parents bed, staring at the phone. He'd been
planning on calling Jen. He kept telling himself he could call her. Now
he was chickening out again. But it wasn't like she hated him, he told
himself. They did have some sort of relationship. They had slept
together, and still talked to each other.
Okay, now, he thought. He picked up the phone and dialed her
number. He knew it by heart.
She picked up instantly. "Hello?"
"Jen? Hi, it's Matt. . . You know, from track?"
"Yeah, I know who you are," she sort of laughed. "What's up?"
"Oh, nothing. What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Talking on the phone actually. . . "
"Oh yeah?" Did she mean to me? he wondered.
"Yeah. But I'm glad you called," she told him.
"Oh, thanks. . . Who are you talking to?" he asked, curious.
"Oh, just this guy. . . "
His heart sank. "Oh."
"I've been trying to get off with him for ever. Can you hold on?"
"Sure." He heard the click as she went back to the other line,
then a minute later she clicked back. He heard another click as the
other line hung up.
"So, what's up?" she asked him.
"Oh, nothing much. . . "
"Yeah, same here. I was doing my homework when the guy called."
"Oh. Do you have to go?" he asked her, disappointed.
"No, I don't have to go."
"Oh, that's good."
"Yeah. . . "
Silence. He couldn't think of anything to say. His mind swam.
"So who were you talking to before?" He cringed, now it sounded like he
was jealous, or possessive, or nosy, or. . .
"Oh, just this guy, Mitch. I don't know him that well. He's
kind of annoying actually."
"Really? Does he go to our school?"
"Nah, he goes to school with Ryan. That's how I met him."
"Oh, are they friends?" He asked even though he didn't want to
talk about Ryan.
"Kinda. Not really though. I don't know. Anyway since me and
him broke up Mitch thinks he's my fucking best friend."
Matt was surprised. Jen sounded really annoyed. "Really? What,
does he call you all the time?"
"Yeah. I mean, he's nice and all, but I don't want to go out
with him, you know? And I guess maybe he thinks I do. I don't know, we
talked a bunch, and I told him a lot of personal stuff. Maybe 'cause I
needed someone to talk to. You ever do that?"
"Yeah," he said, even though he hadn't really.
"Well anyway he calls me too much and he like, gets all upset if
I say I have to go. But oh well. So how are you?"
"I'm good. The same."
"That's good. God, it seemed like this year just started, huh?
But there's only a couple of months left."
"Yeah, I know. It's gone so fast."
"I can't believe I'm almost graduating. High school will be
over. It's so scary, it hasn't seemed like four years at all. Maybe one
year. It goes too fast."
"Yeah, I know! Where are you gonna go?"
"Oh, I don't know yet. I haven't heard back from all the schools
I've applied to. I don't know. . . "
"Oh. . . " He couldn't think of anything else to say.
"I'm glad you called, you know. . . "
"Really?" he asked.
"Yeah! You know, I'm really sorry about what happened. I wish
we could have gotten to know each other in a different way."
"No, it's not that bad. But I know what you mean."
"Yeah, I just feel really bad. I feel guilty."
"You shouldn't! I'm serious!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. But you regret it," he told her suddenly, admitting it to himself.
"Well, I wouldn't say I regret it regret it. . . I mean, I wish
it wasn't like that. I was drunk, and on the rebound, you know? So I
wish that could have been different. . . "
"Yeah, I know."
"You regret it though?"
"Regret it?" he asked in amazement. "It was the best fucking
night of my life!" he told her, laughing.
"Matt! Really?" she asked, flattered.
"Uh, yeah." He added seriously, "But I guess I do regret the
other stuff that came with it. . . "
"Ryan. . . "
"Well, yeah. And you. . . " he told her, his heart racing.
"Me? What about me?"
"Well, I mean, I don't know. Now it's awkward I guess. And it
hurts, that you don't like me," he told her suddenly.
"Matt . . . " she said. "I told you, I'm sorry. I am. I'm so
sorry. . . "
He didn't say anything, trying not to cry.
"I am. I never meant to hurt you."
"I know," he said. "I know that. Nah, don't worry about it,
really. I'll be okay."
"No, I mean it! I like you Matt, really."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah! It wouldn't have been so nice, it if weren't for you . .
. "
"Huh? What, you liked it?" he asked shyly.
She laughed. "Yeah, you know I did. . . You know, you were a
fantastic lover, Matt," she told him seriously.
"Really?" he asked, delighted. "You thought so?"
"Yeah, not that I've had so many or anything. But that's not
what I meant I guess. I mean, because you cared about me I guess. . . "
"I did. . . I do!"
"Yeah, I mean, that's why it was so nice. If you hadn't wanted
more, it would have hurt me a lot. 'Cause I don't go around having sex
with every guy, you know? But that's why I feel bad, because I can't
give you more. But I needed you to want more, for me. Isn't that selfish?"
He was quiet, thinking. "I don't know, maybe."
"Well I'm sorry. I hope you don't like, resent me or anything
one day."
"Oh, I won't! I could never resent you, Jen."
"Really? Thanks."
"No problem," he told her.
He talked to her for awhile longer, half an hour maybe. Not
about anything too serious. When they finally hung up he was so happy,
relieved. He could safely say he was friends with her. He wanted to be
there for her, like she needed.
*****
Matt thought it was funny, how his moods were always changing.
One minute he was so happy, then the next he was miserable. Like he went
to bed so thrilled that night after he had talked to Jen on the phone,
but the next night he was sad. He had tried to talk to her that day but
she was different.
She's embarrassed to be seen with me, he thought painfully. That
must be it. He had sat with her as she and Carrie talked about Kasey and
Mitch, and how Mitch called her all the time and Kasey never did. She
thought Mitch was weird, and that Ryan had thought he did steroids. She
wasn't really telling Matt any of this stuff, he was just sitting there,
hoping to be a part of the conversation. But after awhile he felt like
he was eavesdropping, and he got up and walked away without saying
anything. He didn't think she even noticed.
A few days later he was sitting after track, waiting for his mom
to pick him up. His mom insisted on driving him ever since Ryan had
jumped him. There were several other people there, including Jen. They
were hanging around, watching the baseball game. He went to go get his
bag, which he had left by the track, and when he came back Jen was
sitting where had been. So he sat next to her, and she continued talking
to some other people.
"Oh shit!" she suddenly gasped.
"What?" demanded Carrie.
"Fuck. It's Mitch over there," she told her. "With the gray
sweatshirt. Fuck, he's gonna see me!"
"He's probably here to see you," Carrie told her. "Didn't you
tell him to get lost?"
"Yes! I told him I didn't want to go out with him. He thinks
I'm his girlfriend, I swear! He got kinda mad but then he was okay."
Mitch was walking towards them. He was strong, Matt could tell,
but not that tall. He was holding something in his hand. A rose, Matt
noticed. Jen did too.
She stood up when he came up to them.
"Hi," he smiled at her.
"Hi Mitch. . . " she said. "Um, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, thanks," he teased. "Here, this is for you. . . " He held
out the rose.
She didn't take it. "What's that for?" she asked him.
"For you! I'm sorry we fought."
"We didn't fight," she told him.
"Yeah we did!"
"About what?"
"You know!"
"Mitch," she sighed. "I told you, I can't see you. . . "
He looked mad. "What? Not even like this, see me?"
"I told you, I'm not your girlfriend!"
He paused. "Yeah, and?"
"Well you shouldn't have brought me a flower. I'm sorry, but. .
. "
"Oh, what?"
"I told you, we're not going out. I'm sorry if you think that,
but we're not. Anyway I can't deal with a relation. . . "
He interrupted her. "Man, Jen. Ryan really fucked you up,
didn't he?" he demanded rudely.
Her jaw dropped. Then she narrowed her eyes at him. "Go to
hell, Mitch," she told him coldly.
Jen started to turn around, away from him, when his arm flew
out. His fist struck her in the mouth, hard. She cried out, the blow
nearly knocking her over as she was spun around. She pressed her hand to
her mouth.
By that time Matt had already jumped up and hit Mitch in the face
as hard as he could. Mitch was startled, almost as startled as Matt
was. But he butted into Matt, knocking him back against the wall.
Jen cried out, and one of the coaches, who had come running when
he saw her get hit, jumped on them. He pulled them apart, and Mitch
fought him off. Matt still tried to hit him, but soon there were too
many adults separating them. A huge crowd had gathered.
It had happened so fast. Someone got Jen some ice, and a campus
aide called the police. Matt tried to talk to Jen, but she just shook
her head, in shock. Mitch was desperately trying to apologize to her
before they moved him into one of the athletic offices. She wouldn't
talk to him, she wouldn't even look at him. She didn't cry, just sat
there clutching the ice pack to her mouth.
Brian, Ryan's friend, and Jen's, finally got her to talk. He had
his arm around her, comforting her. Soon she began to look really mad.
"I'm gonna kick his ass," Brian told her.
"No!" she sighed. "Brian, he's not even worth it. Don't worry
about it."
"No way. No real man hits a woman, ever. The guy's dead."
"I told you, don't bother yourself over him. I hate him, I'm
sure he'll leave me alone after this, so don't worry about it. Maybe
they'll make him get counseling or something."
"Ryan's gonna kill him," he told her quietly.
She looked over at him. "Brian, no! Okay?"
"Jen, he's gonna find out about it. There's too many people here
for the game. I bet he probably already knows!"
"No, I don't want to deal with this fucking shit. Ryan has no
business with this. This is none of his business. Tell him that, okay?"
"Jen!" exclaimed Ryan. "Ryan's gonna freak! He still loves you,
more than anything. There's no way he'd ever let someone hurt you and
not do anything about it!"
"I don't care! I don't want either of them in my life, got it?
Besides, this is nothing compared to how much Ryan hurt me. "
"But still. . . Aright, I'll tell him you want him to stay out
of this, okay? But if he kills Mitch it's not my fault."
"I know," she sighed.
Two officers came to talk to Jen, filing the report. She didn't
want to press charges, but Carrie and Brian insisted that she did.
Matt's mom showed up then, surprised to see cops next to her son.
Matt was thankful his mom didn't freak too much.
"My lip's gonna get huge," she complained, to nobody in particular.
"Nah, I wouldn't worry about it," Matt told her.
"Well it's not like I have anyone to look pretty for anyway," she
muttered.
Matt didn't say anything.
His mom was talking to one of the cops. She motioned for him,
that it was time to leave. He stood up, slowly putting his backpack on.
"Matt?" Jen asked.
He looked at her. She gave him a small smile, then pulled him to
her, giving him a hug.
"Thanks. . . " she whispered.
"No problem," he smiled at her.
She gave him another tiny smile, then turned and said something
to someone else.
He didn't talk much in the car, and his mom was quiet too. They
talked about what he wanted for dinner, but not Jen or his actions.
His mom told his dad the whole story of course, while he took a shower.
His dad gave him a hug later. "You shouldn't fight Matt," he
told him. "But I'm proud of you. I would have done the same thing in
your place."
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah. And if this girl doesn't like you, then she's the one
who's missing out."
Matt shrugged. His dad gave him another hug.
Chapter 34
Ryan thought about his options. He was furious, first of all.
But he was slowly and painfully beginning to accept that Jen wasn't
coming back to him. Part of him couldn't acknowledge that, and that's
the part that wanted to kill Mitch. He'd fucking hit her! He couldn't
believe it. The other half was telling him she wanted him out of her life.
She had been right, he hadn't realized the extent of what he had
done. That was why he just assumed she would forgive him. He replayed
it over and over in his mind, trying to black out his words and replace
them with the right ones. But he couldn't, he couldn't ever take them back.
What Jen had said at Dana's party was just now sinking in, and
Mitch hitting her made him realize for the first time the extent of what
he had done. It made him feel worse, and hate himself more. He wondered
if she still would rather go out with Mitch than Ryan. After all, she'd
said that if he had hit her, it would have hurt her less. What could he
do? She hates me, he thought. I did blow it.
Maybe he could at least call her? Not like he was trying to get
back with her. Just to say he'd heard what had happened, and he felt bad
for her and he hoped she felt better. Like he would for any girl he
knew. Would she hang up on me? he wondered. He knew she might.
He was planning on doing it, but he was too nervous. It's too
soon, he thought. I'll do it tomorrow.
He was horrified when he first found out that she'd slept with
the freshman. He'd cried for hours. Then he was angry, and he took it
out physically on Matt. He hated him, of course, besides. But he knew
he didn't rape her, even if he had to tell himself he did so he could hit
him harder.
He knew it was Jen's way of hurting him, even if she didn't
realize that herself. It had worked, nothing could have been worse then
her sleeping with another guy, not after what they'd been through. He
hadn't ever imagined they could break up. He loved her more than
anything, more every day, even though she hated him.
His family tried to cheer him up. But they were mad at him too,
especially his dad, even though they tried not to show it. His brothers
didn't know why she'd left him, but his parents did. Josh had told his
dad, big mouth. His dad was furious at Ryan, for his disgusting
behavior. It just made Ryan feel worse, and his dad didn't say much to
him. He only asked him if he would ever treat a girl that way again.
Ryan said never. His dad said he'd figured he learned his lesson.
Maybe he should just call her anyway. He stared at the phone,
remembering when he could count on talking to her every night. If he
hadn't called her by nine, she would always call him. I took her for
granted, he thought.
But he called her anyway. He hadn't ever taken her number off
speed-dial on his phone. His heart pounded in his ears as it rang.
"Hello?"
"Uh, hi. . . "
She paused. "Hi."
"Um, it's Ryan. . . "
"I know who it is."
"Oh, well, how are you?"
"Fine," she told him.
"That's good. I-I heard about what happened, with that Mitch
guy. . . I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Well, don't worry about it."
"I-I wasn't! I mean, I just wanted to see if you were okay. . . "
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Gonna have a fat lip, but that's about it."
"Well, it could have been worse."
"Yeah, you're right. He could have gone out with me for three
years then told me to fuck off," she said sarcastically.
He couldn't think of anything to say. He was about to say that
he never said that, but he knew he had, without words. She was still so
angry at him. "I'm sorry," he said, even though he knew it wouldn't help.
"Yeah, so am I." The way she said it he knew she was sorry he'd
done it, not sorry she hadn't forgiven him. Or maybe sorry she'd ever
met him.
"Well, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay. . . "
"Yeah, I am."
"Maybe I'll see you later?"
"Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. We can't be friends, we can't!
Don't you know that?"
"Well, yeah, but. . . I don't know, maybe. . . "
"No. There's just no way. It's just impossible."
He paused. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Yeah. . . You have some stuff over here by the way."
"Oh yeah?" he asked, sadly. He knew he did, he'd practically
lived at her house. Getting his stuff seemed so final.
"Yeah. Some notebooks. And your black baseball hat, and some
other clothes. I don't care when you pick them up," she said coldly.
"Oh. Okay, I-I'll get them sometime soon. I promise."
She didn't say anything. His last two words hung in the silence,
"*I promise*. . . "
He tried not to cry. "Bye," he muttered.
She hung up.
He slowly hung up himself. He lay back down on his bed, staring
at his books. He opened them, feeling numb, but he couldn't study. What
was he going to do now? He had friends, but he'd just lost the best one
he'd ever had. It was like a part of him had been ripped out. He felt
hollow inside.
He reflected some more, something he'd been doing all the time
lately. He tried to push the memories out of his mind, but he couldn't.
A knock came on his door.
"Come in," he sighed, picking up his book again.
Will came in. "Hi," he said glumly. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Just studying."
His brother sat at his desk. "I need some advice about girls,"
he said.
Ryan didn't say anything. His brothers came to him all the time
for advice, but they had pretty much left him alone since Jen had left him.
"Well since- are you busy?"
"No. I'm probably not the best guy to ask though," he sighed.
"What's the matter?"
"Well, you know Andie? Well I don't think she likes me anymore.
I mean this other guy, Travis, likes her too. And she talks to him in
class all the time and they passed a note today. What should I do? I
love her a lot."
"Will, you don't know anything about love," Ryan said
disgustedly. "You're only ten!"
"Yes I do!" His face crumpled. Ryan felt bad. Will was as much
of a mama's boy as Ryan had been, "wearing his heart on his sleeve," as
their dad said.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just, I don't know.
Well, who does she like?"
He shrugged. "I don't know! Alex told her I still liked her but
she said she didn't know who she liked. It's not fair. How can I get
her to still go with me?"
Ryan sighed, shaking his head. "You can't. I mean you just have
to make it so she *wants* to go out with you."
"How do I do that?"
"Treat her nice. And just hope that she doesn't like anyone else better."
Will paused. "Did Jen like someone else better?" he asked quietly.
Ryan looked at him sharply. Will sat there at his desk, sitting
on his hands, looking at him seriously. He looked just like Ryan,
everybody said so. And he acted like him too. He looked up to him a
lot, and emulated him. Ryan looked down at his hands.
"No," he said.
"Why'd she leave then? Did you treat her bad?"
Ryan paused, then nodded. "Yeah, I treated her bad. Badly," he
corrected.
"What did you do?"
"I don't want to talk about it. I'll tell you one day maybe. . . "
"Are you sad?" he asked pensively.
He shrugged sadly, but nodded.
"Maybe she'll come back," Will said brightly. "Maybe if you say
you're sorry?"
"I already did," he sighed. "It's no use. She's not gonna come back."
Will nodded, thinking.
"See, that's what happens when you're a dick. So be nice!"
"Oh, I will! I always try to be."
"Good."
Will stood up. "You wanna go play basketball?" he asked, trying
to cheer him up.
Ryan shook his head. "Nah, I can't. I have to study." Actually
he just wanted to feel sorry for himself.
"Okay," said Will. "I'll ask Robby. See you later!" he said
brightly, leaving.
Ryan lay back down, remembering how much Jen loved his brothers.
He remembered one time a month or so back, Will had asked a girl,
Andie, to the movies, and her parents were going to drive them. His
whole family had teased him about "the date," and Jen was delighted.
But she took one look at Will in Ryan's bathroom and refused to
let him out of the house like that. He'd completely saturated his hair
with gel and hair spray, and had "bathed himself in cologne" according to
Jen.
"No, no, no," she'd told him. "Get into the shower."
"No!" he'd protested. "Why?"
"Will! No! You canNOT go out looking like that."
"Why not?" he asked, insulted.
"Well, for one thing. . . " she began, touching his hair. "Your
hair is completely petrified. It probably weighs eight pounds."
"Well I just wanna look nice," he whined, looking crushed.
"I know," she told him. "And you do. But you just look like
you're trying too hard. . . "
"Really?"
"Yeah! You gotta look casual."
"How do I do that?"
"I'll help you," she smiled at him in the mirror. "First get in
the shower and wash your hair two or three times and scrub all the
cologne off. And use conditioner! Don't worry, you'll be ready in time."
He hesitated. "Okay. . . "
"Aright. Get in the shower," she told him, and began rifling
through the drawers for hair supplies.
"You have to leave!" Will wailed. "You can't look!"
"Oh, sorry!" she told him, surprised. "But hurry up!" She left,
and Ryan had been shaking his head at her while Will locked the door
behind her.
"I need some good hair stuff," she told him. "We can't let Will
out of the house looking anything less than stunning."
He kissed her. "Ask my mom. She probably has some stuff."
She came back with an armful of supplies, a hair dryer, combs,
and bottles of stuff to "stunnify" Will, as Ryan put it.
He stood in the doorway, amused, and watched her go to work on
Will, who was standing in front of the mirror clad in only pants.
"See," she told him, "the key is, less is more, got it?" She
combed a tiny amount of mousse into his wet hair. He frowned at his
appearance in the mirror.
"Don't worry!" she told him. "I promise you'll be ready in time!"
Jen dried his hair with the screeching blow dryer, while Ryan
caught her eye in the mirror, giving her a smile. Will began to smile at
his reflection as his hair dried, shining in the light.
She combed it, letting it part naturally. "Close your eyes," she
instructed, spraying the tiniest mist of hair spray on. "There we go,"
she smiled at him.
"What should I wear?" he asked, starting to leave.
"No, you're not done in here yet," she told him. "Up!" she instructed.
He giggled as she sprayed deodorant on his naked armpits. "Are
your teeth brushed?" she asked.
"No, not yet."
"Brush your teeth. So, are you gonna kiss her?"
"I don't know!" he responded, looking flustered.
"Will! You gotta kiss her. If you don't she's gonna think you
don't like her!"
"But what if she doesn't want me to kiss her?" he whined.
"I bet she does. I bet you that every girl in your class would
love for you to kiss them," said Jen, wrapping her arms around Will as
they both looked in the mirror.
"Really? But I've never kissed a girl before. . . I don't know how!"
"That's okay. It's easy. Ryan, comere. . . " Ryan stood in
front of her, so Will could see. "Show Will how to kiss a girl," she
ordered, smiling at him as they looked into each other's eyes.
"Okay," he agreed, smiling back. "You should ask her first if
you can, if you don't know," he told Will. "Then if she says yes," he
said, still looking into Jen's eyes. "Then you look deep into her eyes,
and lean in" he leaned in "and close your eyes" he closed his eyes "and
touch her lips lightly with your lips," he murmured softly, kissing her
gently. He pulled back. "Then you pull back. And maybe you kiss her
again. . . " he added, leaning in and giving her another kiss. She
smiled at him.
"See! It's easy!" smiled Jen.
Will looked at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth.
Jen sprayed a bit of Ryan's cologne on him, teaching him how to spray it
into the air and step into it.
"Now we gotta get you into some cool clothes. None of this baggy
skater stuff. You wanna make a good impression on her parents, don't
you?" she asked when he'd protested. He nodded, and she went into his
room across the hall, inspecting his closet and drawers for the perfect
outfit.
"Wear these jeans," Ryan heard her tell him. "No, the black
ones! . . . Yeah. Will! Why don't you ever wear this shirt? This is
the raddest shirt!" she exclaimed. Ryan laughed in his room. "Yeah,
your black shoes are good. They're not that scuffed, and plus they
match. . . Okay, I'm leaving, I'm leaving!"
Jen came back into Ryan's room, jumping on him on the bed. "I
got kicked out again," she smiled. "He has to change and he doesn't want
me to see his sexy body."
He kissed her, deeply. "I like it when you take charge," he
whispered to her. "How 'bout you fix me up later?"
She kissed him back, murmuring that she would as long as he
didn't make her leave when he got naked.
"I promise," he laughed. They kissed gently.
"Well?" Will demanded in the doorway.
Jen whistled, and he blushed, grinning. "There we go! You're
pretty hot there me boy! If you don't watch out Ry I just might leave
you for Will!" she teased.
"They're gonna be here pretty soon. What should I say to her?"
he asked, looking worried. "When should I kiss her?" He sat on the bed.
Jen sat up. "Aright. You gotta say she looks pretty, first of
all. And you kiss her in the movie theater, 'cause that's probably the
only time her parents won't be there."
"But remember, ask her first if you can kiss her," Ryan
reminded. "But don't attack her."
He nodded, looking excited and worried.
"Go get her a flower from the backyard," Ryan told him. "Ask Mom
or Dad first. And make sure there's no thorns!"
"And don't get dirty!" Jen reminded as Will ran out. "Your
brother's so cute!" she told him.
He nodded.
"But you're cuter," she whispered, kissing him again. She lay on
him and kissed him until the doorbell rang, when they jumped up to see
Will and his "date."
Will and the girl stood there staring at each other shyly as her
dad talked to his parents. She was very pretty, a little blond with big
brown eyes.
"This is for you, Andie," Will told her, holding out a freshly
cut rose.
"Thank you," she blushed.
"You look pretty. . . " he said.
"Thank you," she repeated, blushing even more.
Her dad smiled down at Will. "Ready to go?" he asked.
"Thank you John," said Karen to her dad. "We'll see you later. .
. Have fun guys!"
"We will," Will called back as he walked his date to her parents
van. He looked back over his shoulder, giving his family the "A-OK"
sign, and winked.
They laughed hysterically as the door closed.
Jen and Ryan laughed all the way back to his bedroom. They
locked the door behind them, and wrapped their arms around each other,
kissing passionately.
"Aright, aright," Jen breathed, dragging him into the bathroom.
"Your turn. . . "
"Yeah?" he grinned at her. "Will you clean me up and make me pretty?"
"You already are pretty but yeah. . . " she told him, running the
bath water. She poured bubble bath into the water. "Get out of those
clothes young man! They simply won't do for tonight!" she teased.
"Buttons are too hard for me," he said sadly. "Will you help me?"
"Sure," she laughed. She unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it off
and kissing his bare neck. His nipples stiffened in the draft and from
her touch. Her fingers fumbled between them, unzipping his jeans and
pulling them down past his hips. He kissed her again while she stripped
him of all his clothes.
"Yea!! I get bubbles!" he exclaimed in delight, stepping into
the tub. He sighed in pleasure as he sank down into the hot water.
Jen kneeled on the side of the tub, sliding her hands into the
water and exploring his body. Her arms in past her elbows, she rubbed
her hands all over him in the soapy water.
Laughing, she pushed him under the water so his hair got wet.
She rubbed the sweet smelling shampoo into his hair, creating a lather
while he sighed. The hot water felt so good on his head while she
sprayed the shampoo out with the shower nozzle. She suddenly pulled the
nozzle down and sprayed the hot water over his crotch, the head of his
hard cock sticking out above the surface of the water. He gasped in
surprise and pleasure, then laughed with her.
"Aright, conditioner. . . " she told him, massaging the slimy
liquid into his hair. "It needs to sit for a few minutes," she told him.
"Well, I'm sure there's other things we can do. . . "
She continued to massage his body, his chest and shoulders. He
rolled around onto his stomach. She rubbed his back, scrubbing it with
the sponge, her hands kneading into his muscular body. Her hands slipped
lower, and he closed his eyes. He'd gotten over his fear of being
thought of as gay, and just admitted what felt good felt good, and that
felt good.
Her wet finger slipped inside him, leaving no part of him
unclean. He groaned, his eyes still closed, as she pressed down and
rubbed his prostate.
"Fuck," he gasped. Had his dick been touched the slightest bit
he would have cum immediately.
Her finger slowly moved in and out of him, gently, not going in
past the first knuckle. He groaned again, then turned over again, not
wanting to cum yet.
She rubbed the rest of him until her hands were wrinkled from the
water. She washed all the conditioner out of his hair, and he stood up,
his dick standing up with him.
She wrapped a big towel around him, and he climbed out of the
tub. She dried him off as he shivered from the cold.
She dried his hair with the towel, kissing him. She rubbed
lotion into his skin, then baby powder. He tried to take her clothes off
but she wouldn't let him. With the towel wrapped tightly around his
waist, she dried his hair, so soft from the conditioner. Then she sat on
the sink in front of him, and applied his shaving cream. She gently
shaved him with the sharp razor, slowly dragging it up to strip the white
cream away. He gazed down at her as she tried carefully not to cut his skin.
She wiped off the excess foam with a warm rag, then patted him
dry with aftershave. She smiled as she ran her hands down his smooth
cheek. She rubbed her cheek to his, kissing his ear and neck. He picked
her up off the sink, her legs wrapped around his hips.
His towel fell to the floor as he brought her to his bed. He
took her clothes off while she lay back. He lay on top of her, his
hardness pressed against her skin. He kissed her and kissed her, his
tongue probing lower and lower while she gasped. His teeth ever so
gently went around her clit, then he began to suck. She pushed herself
back against him, and he rolled onto his back.
She straddled his face, her head back from the incredible
pleasure. She gasped, then groaned loudly and cried out as she
climaxed. She fell forward, still sitting on his face while he licked up
her juices. His tongue still flickered against her clit, and she sat
back up, then got up for a second while she turned around.
He grabbed her hips and pushed her into him, groaning into her as
she took him into her mouth. He kept licking her, drowning in pleasure
as she sucked his dick, her fist tight around his shaft. His arms
wrapped tightly around her ass as he buried his face into her pink folds.
She let go of him temporarily, groaning and breathing and riding
his face. Then she swallowed him again, sucking hard and massaging his
balls at the same time. He knew she wanted him to cum when she did
that. She took one of her fingers into her mouth alongside his cock, and
rubbed it against the tip. He let out a cry, muffled from underneath
her. Then she removed the wet finger, instead sliding it down his balls
and inserting it into his ass.
He let out a wail, his hips thrusting up as he started shooting
into her mouth. She sucked it out of him, feeling him pulsate and
contract rhythmically around her finger. She ground herself harder
against him, whimpering as his tongue worked that much harder against her
clit. She kept sucking him while her whole body shook from her orgasm.
She lay on him, moaning softly and gasping while he kept licking
her. Finally she rolled off him, onto her side. She turned back around,
snuggling up to him while he kissed her. She smiled at him, with his
messed up hair and glassy eyes.
"I love ya," she told him.
"I love you," he whispered back. "Wanna go take a bath?"
She smiled. "Yeah!"
They went into the bathroom, and he drew another bath. This time
they both climbed into the soapy water. He lay against the side of the
tub, and she leaned back on him. He closed his eyes, inhaling the sweet
smell of her hair, which she had piled on top of her head. One finger
traced her hard nipple slowly.
"This is the best. . . " she breathed.
"Hmm-mmm. . . " he agreed, his eyes still closed.
"I mean, it's hard to think of anything being better. Just being
here with you is the best, just relaxing, you know? It's so great. . . "
"Yeah," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her tightly.
"Your parents know when to leave us alone," she laughed, twisting
around onto her stomach.
"Good!" he smiled down at her.
She kissed his hard stomach in front of her. She rested her
cheek against his chest. They lay there together for a long while.
He rubbed her back with the sponge, then sunk down lower into the
water as he hardened again. He closed his eyes again, giving a little
grunt of pleasure as she impaled herself on him. Slowly she moved above
him, and he gripped the side of the tub. She lay down on him, moaning
softly.
Her hands slipped underneath his back in the tub. She hugged him
tight, her cheek on his wet chest as she continued moving over him. He
slid in and out of her and gasped, his head going back to rest against
the cold porcelain. "Fuck," he gasped, as his cream spurted out into her.
She lay on him, breathing hard. She kissed him again, and they
lay in the tub together until the water started to get cold. Then they
climbed out, tired.
They lay on the bed, and he massaged her back and rubbed lotion
into her skin for awhile, until Will came home. When they heard the car
they pulled their clothes on, smiling at each other.
"Think Will got laid?" joked Ryan.
"I bet he did," she laughed. "Your brother's a mack."
They went out, where Jen pounced on Will, hugging him while he
blushed. Karen and JR laughed, but Will refused any questions.
"He doesn't kiss and tell," teased Robby.
"Shut up," he blushed.
They dragged him into Ryan's room.
"Come on Will," begged Jen. "We demand details!"
"Did you kiss her?" asked Robby.
Will nodded coolly. "Yup. I kissed her a whole bunch!"
"Did you get "cancer" for her?" Robby teased.
"Shut up," he muttered.
"So, is it true love? Marriage? Three kids and a dog?" asked Jen.
"She's my woman," Will smiled.
All four of them laughed so hard they nearly fell off the bed.
Ryan smiled now at the memory. But only briefly.
continued. . .
Chapter 35
Ryan went out the next week with his friends. They ended up at
Melissa's house. Ryan wondered if Jen would show up. He knew they would
run into each other sometime, it couldn't be avoided; they hung out with
the same group.
"Jen's coming over," Melissa told him.
"Oh yeah?" he answered, trying to sound like he didn't care. But
his heart was racing.
They all sat around, watching TV. When Jen walked in the door
she barely looked at him, only glanced at him like she did everyone
else. She sat on the floor next to Melissa, smiling and talking to her
and in general acting like she didn't give a fuck who the hell Ryan
Harper was. Ryan sat on the couch, trying not to look at her, but he
couldn't help it. He stared at her back and hair while she faced the TV.
There was some special on MTV. Ryan wasn't really paying
attention except to know that it was about sex or something. Everyone
laughed when it was said that guys were like "dogs," when it came to sex.
A girl he didn't know laughed and said, "That is so true!" when
the person who was talking continued to say that girls don't understand
that about guys, and that they "think they're going to marry the first
guy they get with."
Jen laughed too, and said, "I know!" to the girl.
"Girls think, 'We're gonna get *married*,'" she squealed in a
high voice. "And the guys are like, 'Next!'"
Jen laughed again. "But then the girls snap out of it and then
they're like, 'Next!"
The other girl laughed. "God," she said seriously. "I totally
regret it, the guy I first did it with."
Oh shit, thought Ryan. Don't say it Jen, oh please don't say. . .
"Me too!" agreed Jen emphatically. "I know exactly what you
mean. God, I wish I'd never even *met* the guy."
Ryan looked down at his hands. He felt several pairs of eyes
boring into him, none of which belonged to Jen, or the other girl, who
didn't know about Jen and Ryan.
"Oh yeah?" the girl asked. "Wow I like your shirt," she told her
as Jen peeled off her sweatshirt.
"Thanks."
Melissa jumped up to get the phone, while Ryan sat frozen, still
staring at his hands. She came back in and told Jen it was for her. Jen
leapt up and went into the bedroom to get it, and Ryan felt sick as
people around the room looked at each other and raised their eyebrows
about Jen and Ryan. His vision became blurry as his eyes filled with
tears. He couldn't stand their staring and got up slowly, going down the
hall and laying down on the bed in the dark guest bedroom.
Corey followed him. "Come on Ryan. You know she's just trying
to hurt you on purpose," he told him.
"Yeah, I know. . . "
"Then what's the matter?"
"Maybe she's doing a good fucking job!" he snapped.
"Come on. Don't think she's forgotten about you because I know
she hasn't. If she didn't care she wouldn't go out of her way to try to
hurt you."
Ryan didn't say anything.
"Come on, don't be in here by yourself. Come back out!"
Ryan sighed. "Fine. . . "
When they walked back in Jen was leaving, standing up with her
purse on. She looked over at them, her eyes meeting with Ryan's only
briefly before she looked away. She walked out to a chorus of "bye's!"
with Brian trying to trip her as she walked out. Ryan felt jealous of
their camaraderie.
He sat back down, giving Corey a look.
"Where'd Jen go?" Corey asked.
"Oh, over to what's his name's. . . " said Melissa.
Ryan felt like someone had hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.
Some other guy. She *is* over me, he thought. She's going out to get
fucked, he thought painfully. *Next*.
"Who?" Corey asked.
"What his name, *Kasey*!" imitated Melissa.
Ryan sat on the couch, staring at nothing.
"Who the fuck's Kasey?" demanded Corey.
"Oh, some guy. . . I don't know, he's a total stoner. I guess
she likes him though. I don't know why. Well, I guess he is pretty cute."
"So, Jen's already out fucking someone is she," said Corey.
Shut up, thought Ryan.
Melissa gave him a dirty look. "I didn't say that," she told him.
"Oh. So she ever talk about Ryan?" he asked seriously.
Melissa looked at Ryan. "Um, I don't know. . . No. Well, not
to say anything nice she doesn't."
Ryan stood up. "Uh, I'm gonna head back now. I'm tired. You
comin'?" he asked Corey,
"Yeah, aright."
"If you want my honest opinion I don't think she really gives a
fuck about Kasey, Ry," said Melissa.
He gave her his fakest smile.
Chapter 36
Jen went out into the night, pleased that Kasey had called her,
and feeling happy that she had snubbed Ryan again. She was happier that
he had called; she'd given him Melissa's number but hadn't really
expected him to.
He couldn't find Dana's house the night of her party, he told
her. He had lost the directions. Jen wondered if she would have slept
with Kasey instead of Matt if he had showed up. Well, she was sure she
wouldn't have slept with Matt, not if Kasey had been there still.
Why had she slept with Matt? She remembered some sentimental
feelings that he had a crush on her, but now what she had been thinking
was growing even fuzzier and fuzzier by the day of course, not that it
had ever been clear. It would have been so much different if it had been
Kasey, she knew, and deep inside she was relieved he hadn't gone to the
party, though she kept telling herself she wished he had. Because if it
had been Kasey instead, she wouldn't have been in charge, and maybe that
was what she wanted. She just wanted to take him, like he was the girl
and she was the guy. It had been wonderful though, physically, and the
fact that it wasn't Ryan added a whole new dimension. A whole new world
opened up to her.
She told him Matt didn't exactly regret it. She didn't exactly;
it had hurt Ryan, and that was what she wanted. But it wasn't like she
had used him like that. Plus, she knew, he had gotten what he wanted.
Maybe they had used each other? But I didn't use him, she thought. Just
because we did it didn't mean I used him. It just happened, she thought,
we both got pleasure out of it, and that's that.
She pushed away any guilty feelings, telling herself that people
had casual sex all the time, so why shouldn't she? Why should she have
to deal with love all the time? Sex was a natural thing, and humans were
animals, and animals did each other all the time without dealing with *love*.
She could fuck Kasey of course, that would be okay. She felt so
free; now that she was "single" she felt like she had been released from
something, something which she kept telling herself was false and
detrimental.
He was *different* from Ryan, that's for certain. And he liked
her too. She hadn't ever pictured herself going out with someone like
him. He was popular at his school, she knew, but he wasn't into sports
nor really ambitious and motivated like Ryan. Also, Kasey hadn't even
made an attempt to find Mitch and beat him up after she had told him what
had happened. At first she was sort of annoyed that he didn't seem to
care, but then she was happy about it. After all, did she want a guy who
was so hot-tempered he flew off the handle at every little thing? Of
course not.
His friends were pretty nice, but she felt like she didn't fit in
and they knew she didn't. He had said he was going to a show that
weekend, and she wondered if she was invited. She'd have to get
something to wear of course, so she didn't look like a dork up in the city.
She mentioned it when she showed up at his house. There were a
few other people there, and he just shrugged, saying who knew what they
would do. His friends looked over at her, and she felt stupid, like it
was obvious they never planned things in advance. She thought about it,
and decided that was the right attitude. After all, spontaneity was fun,
planning was anal. Relax, Jen, she told herself.
They passed around a joint, and she did relax.
Chapter 37
Matt hardly ever saw Jen at school anymore, and he guessed she'd
quit track. She'd done something to her hair, he noticed when he did see
her, she'd braided it in all these little tiny braids. He thought it was
cool, but he liked it better before. People talked about her hair and
how cool it was, but soon it got to the point where the more Matt saw her
the more he hated it that way.
During biology he asked Mike what was up with Jen, if he knew.
He just shrugged, saying she had some new stoner boyfriend, Kasey, and
that she had this major attitude now. That's all he said; he and Mike
hadn't been friends much since he had slept with her. Matt wondered why,
and he figured that Mike had his loyalties to Jen and her crowd, thinking
he was one of them. If Dana and her friends didn't like him, then he
couldn't like him either. It really pissed him off.
Jen must not ever go to class, he thought. Her name was written
on the board in his math class with the people who needed to make up
tests. She had three check marks next to her name. That meant she'd
missed four tests! He wondered what she was doing. He wondered if she
was still going to graduate. Not if she keeps this up, he thought. That
oughtta wake her up.
His imagination began going, and he pictured Jen in a rehab
center in a few years, her life in shambles. He wondered about that
Kasey guy. He was willing to bet he gave her drugs all the time. He
knew she probably had sex with him. She had started dressing differently
too; Matt wondered if they were his clothes. She always wore these
really baggy clothes, like corduroy pants and t-shirts over long-sleeved
shirts. She thinks she's such a hippie, thought Matt disgustedly.
But he was genuinely worried about her, more as time wore on and
she stayed like that. He wanted to call her and ask her what was going
on, but when he did she was never home. He couldn't bring himself to
leave a message.
One day during lunch time she was there, standing with her loser
friends, Matt thought. His friends pointed her out to him, saying that
she was really fucked up now and it was all his fault.
"Shut up," he said to their teasing. He hoped that wasn't the case.
"Go talk to her," said Erik. "I thought you were friends with
her. You said you were."
"I am. I will!" he replied testily. What the hell, he thought,
going up to her and standing next to her.
"Uh, hi."
"Hi," she responded. Her friends ignored him.
"So what's up?"
"Nothing," she responded, not looking at him.
"Well. . . Um, I was just wondering, if you're okay. . . "
"What?"
"Well, I mean, why you're acting all different. . . "
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she said,
annoyed, not looking at him while she listened to what her friends were
saying.
"Oh, I mean, I don't know," he mumbled. "Sorry. . . "
"You're right. You don't know."
Right then Erik came up next to them.
"Nice hair," he cracked to Jen.
"Fuck off," she told him.
"What?!? I meant it, nice hair!" he replied innocently.
She ignored him.
Matt tried to think of something he could say. "Um, so, are you
still gonna go to college?" he asked.
"What?" she asked coldly.
"Um, you know, you should really like, work harder or something.
. . " Oh! No, that's not what he meant to say! No, he just meant. . .
"Fuck you go to hell," she told him in monotone, as she and her
friends walked away, leaving him and Erik by themselves.
"O-kay. . . " said Erik.
Fuck. FUCK! his mind screamed. Now she hates me. She fucking
hates me! he thought. Dammit.
*****
Ryan never got up the energy to beat up Mitch. He knew it
wouldn't make a difference to Jen. Mitch was afraid of him, and quit
baseball to avoid him, he heard. But Ryan didn't care anymore. He
didn't care about hardly anything anymore.
His parents were there, to make sure he did his homework. He
went out sometimes, but only at his friends' urging. He wondered if he
was clinically depressed. Or maybe he was having a nervous breakdown.
All he knew was his life sucked big time.
Jen was getting on with her life--why couldn't he? He didn't
want to, that's why not. His friends were making plans for Prom, but he
couldn't ask anyone else. No way. His friends understood he guessed,
but they still tried to talk him into going. He couldn't really tell
them how miserable he was. They might understand, but they just didn't
talk about things that way. Not like he could with Jen. He could always
tell her anything and she wouldn't laugh at him, or tell anyone.
Now the only person who he could really talk to hated his guts.
Chapter 38
Matt lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling, which he did half
the time. He'd just talked to that girl, Lauren, for over an hour. She
was pretty cool, and cute too he supposed. His friends thought she was
cute, and were impressed that she seemed to like Matt. They asked if he
was "gonna try to get in her pants." He'd just shrugged, but now he was
thinking about it.
It's not like he should be keeping himself available for Jen.
Jen was fucked up. Everyone said so. Well, he had to admit he was still
in love with her. But Lauren, Lauren was pretty cool.
He thought about asking her out. But he didn't have a license,
and he didn't want to deal with parents driving them if they went
anywhere. That was babyish. He closed his eyes, wishing he had a girl
with him. He was sick of being his own damn girlfriend.
Yeah, he was gonna ask Lauren out, he decided.
He was extra nice to her the next day in class. She smiled all
the time while he talked to her. He was pretty sure she liked him, and
one of her friends asked him if he liked her. He said he didn't know,
and asked why. The friend said she was just wondering. Matt changed his
mind, and said that he thought he liked her.
And she called him again that night. He asked her straight up if
she liked him. She giggled, and wouldn't tell him. She said she'd tell
him in five minutes.
So five minutes later he made her tell him. She said she did
like him. Duh, thought Matt.
"Will you go out with me?" he asked her.
"Well, yeah! Sure!" she replied.
"Cool. Because I really like you," he told her. "A lot. I've
liked you since the beginning of the year."
"Really? Why didn't you ever say anything Matt?"
"Oh, I don't know," he said. "Maybe I was shy?"
"Aww. . . Wow! Well, thanks! I've liked you a long time too,
Matt. Since the beginning of last year."
"Cool. Wow, this is cool."
"Yeah. . . "
They talked awhile longer. Matt felt good, even though he felt a
bit guilty for lying to her. He didn't know why he'd said he'd liked her
that long. He supposed it didn't matter now.
Chapter 39
How long had she been with Kasey? A month? She couldn't
remember. But was she really going out with him? She knew she'd look
like a fool if she asked. She hadn't slept with him, although she almost
had. They had made out a few times, more than a few. To be honest, he
didn't seem all that interested in her actually. It hurt deep down, but
she knew that maybe that was just his way, cool about everything, even love.
Love? Echh, love was crap. Probably she couldn't ever
experience love. Maybe what she had experienced with Ryan hadn't been
love either. Really, she thought, anybody can be with anybody else, it's
just nature.
She felt guilty about how behind she was getting in school. Her
parents were on her all the time, and she constantly told them to fuck
off. She just didn't care about anything anymore, but part of her wanted
to scream for an hour non-stop.
Why hadn't she slept with Kasey yet? Probably the timing had
always been wrong, they were always being interrupted. But there was a
party that Friday night at his friend's house. Then he would probably
realize how much she meant to him. I want him, she thought, closing her
eyes. She tried to imagine sex with him, and planned on doing it Friday.
*****
Kasey and his friends picked her up Friday evening, and they all
started to drink as soon as they got to his friends house. He'd gotten
three kegs, plus hard alcohol. She kept getting separated from him;
every time she turned around he was gone. But she got drunker and
drunker, wondering when he would just relax and they could go into a bedroom.
Whenever she did see him she started kissing him, so out of it.
He acted annoyed, not nearly as drunk as she. He kept telling her to sit
down. She pouted, but he didn't notice. She felt stupid; pouting was
something she would do with Ryan, kidding with him to get her way. Then
she was annoyed at him, thinking what a fool he was to tell her to sit
down when he could get laid instead. She felt numb as she sat on the
couch by herself. She stared at nothing for a long while.
Finally Jen forced herself to get up and find him after several
minutes of telling her body to get up but remaining on the couch. Where
was he? She looked for him everywhere, asking every one she saw if they
had seen Kasey. Most of them had no idea who Kasey was, but finally she
found his friend Jeremy.
She grabbed his arm, trying to flirt though too drunk to really
do anything right. "Where is he?" she demanded.
"Where's who?" he asked, annoyed.
"Kasey," she whined.
He looked amused. "Oh, he's got some girl in my bedroom."
She was stunned, standing there like a rock. "What?" she said.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, he's got some girl in there! I don't know who she is.
He's probably fucking her, who knows or cares."
She stared at his chin, eye level with it.
"What, what's your problem? You're drunk off your ass, that's
what your problem is."
She shook her head. "Take me home. I wanna go home."
"What? I ain't fuckin' taking you home! Forget it."
She still stood there in front of him.
"What? Oh hey, you like Kasey?"
She looked him in the eyes, feeling like the biggest fool on the
planet. "No," she denied.
"Ha ha, yes you do!" he laughed. "You like him! Well, I don't
think he cares much about Hillary or whatever her name is, so if he's not
too drunk you can be next!"
"Fuck you," she muttered, walking away. She wanted to go home,
but didn't even know where she was, and had no money for a cab. She sat
back on the couch, determined not to cry as someone gave her another beer.
Chapter 40
"What's up?" asked Corey.
"Nuthin'," said Ryan.
"Let's go out. There's a party tonight."
"Oh yeah? Oh. I don't know. . . "
"Come on! It'll be fun! It'll get your mind off Jen. It's
supposed to be really good."
He sighed. "Aright."
So they went, finally. It took them forever to find out where it
was. But finally they showed up, at half past eleven. It was huge, and
a lot of people he didn't know were there. But there were some people
who he knew. Like Jen.
But Jen didn't see him. She couldn't, she was passed out on a
couch. She was by herself, cuddled up in the corner of the couch. Her
hair was different, but he recognized her instantly. She still looked
beautiful.
What could he do? He wasn't going to leave just because she was
there. He looked around though, trying to find out who she was with. He
wouldn't recognize Kasey if he saw him, but he didn't see any stray guys
who seemed to be paying any attention to Jen.
Ryan kept an eye on her for a couple of hours. She didn't wake
up, and nobody went over to see her either. He wondered if she came by
herself. He hadn't seen her car though, and they walked past a whole
slew of cars. Then he saw a guy sitting down next to her, looking at
her. The guy reached out and touched one of her braids. Ryan walked
over immediately, wanting to see if it was Kasey or not. He wanted to
see what the guy was like.
The guy looked up at Ryan looking at him. He dropped her braid
and inched away from her huddled figure.
"Oh, sorry. Is she with you?" he asked Ryan guiltily.
Ryan shook his head. "No. You don't know who she's with?"
He shrugged.
Some girl who was sitting in the chair spoke up. "She was with
some guy but he left awhile ago. . . "
"He left?" Ryan asked her. "Is he coming back?"
"Uh, I don't think so. Why?"
"Well, he left her here. . . What a nice guy. Something could
happen to her!"
The girl shrugged. "I don't know."
Ryan looked down at Jen, sleeping there. He leaned down and
shook her. "Jen, Jen wake up. . . "
She opened one eye finally, then closed it, turning away from him.
"Jen, how are you getting home?"
"This is my home," she mumbled. She passed back out.
"Ryan, what are you doing?" Corey asked, exasperated.
"Dude, whoever she was with just left her here!"
"Don't worry about it Ryan! You can't follow her around the rest
of her life! Just leave her alone!"
"I can't! I'm not following her around! I didn't know she was
gonna be here! Listen, I gotta take her home. Look at her. She might
wake up and try to drive for all we know. And no one's gonna try to stop
her."
Corey sighed. "Whatever. You know you're never gonna get over
her if you keep obsessing about her. Next time we go somewhere and she's
there passed out we're leaving her there, okay? She's the one who
chooses to get fucked up in the first place. Besides, she's not your
girlfriend anymore."
"Fine," Ryan snapped. hurt by his friends words. "But tonight
I'm gonna make sure she gets home. I'll come back for you later."
"No. Don't worry about it," he sighed. "I'll get a ride. But,"
he told him seriously. "I'm serious, you gotta be careful. If she wakes
up for a second and says she loves you and you believe it, it's gonna
really hurt tomorrow when she doesn't remember anything about tonight,
got it?"
"Yeah, got it," Ryan said. He carried her carefully out to his
car, putting her in the passenger seat without her waking up.
He looked over at her from the driver's side. She'd been there
so many times before. But that doesn't matter now, he thought. She just
has to get home safely tonight. He drove towards her house in silence,
keeping the radio off so as not to wake her up. It was weird turning
onto her street, and getting out of the car to open the gate. He knew
the codes for the security at her house, so he could get into her room.
He wondered what he would do if she had changed them. Leave her on the
doorstep? Nah, I'd take her to my house before I'd do that. Or Dana's,
he thought.
It felt weird, but he felt important, knowing he had a reason to
be there. He carried her into her room quietly, secretly hoping she
would wake up and be glad to see him. He laid her down on the bed.
He noticed his notebook on her desk, open. She must have used
his notes to study off of. He tried to feel angry, but couldn't, giving
a smile instead as he thought of how much she struggled with physics. He
needed the book though. This would save him the pain of getting it from
her in person. A few weeks ago he would have been glad for an
opportunity to go see her, hoping she would finally break and forgive
him. But now he knew it wasn't going to happen.
He looked back down at her. Should he undress her? He could.
But should he? He stared at her. She would be pissed if she ever found
out, and maybe wonder what else he had done to her.
So he just took her shoes off, and covered her up with the
blanket. He longed to climb into to bed next to her, kiss her goodnight,
and switch off the lamp like before. He sank down onto his knees,
looking at her sleeping there. He touched her hair, in braids. It was
different, but he supposed he could get used to it.
"I'm sorry, you know Jen," he whispered. She didn't wake up. He left.
Chapter 41
Lauren was sort of annoying, Matt thought. He couldn't put it
into words what was annoying about her, but it was just something there.
She was just so young seeming. But she liked him a lot. She even wrote
him notes, ending with "I love you." He wrote back that he loved her
too, even though he felt sick as he wrote it. But he wasn't going to
break up with her. He liked how much she liked him, and he knew he had
the upper hand in the relationship. He felt proud that he wasn't "whipped."
He wondered how much she would do for him. He decided to see if
she was worth keeping around. He kept telling himself he didn't love
her, and so it would be okay. If he did and she broke up with him, it
would be like Jen all over again.
So one day he gave her friend a note to give her after school,
telling her to meet him in front of his classroom. She showed up, giving
him a big kiss.
"What's up?" she asked him.
"Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to do something after school."
"Don't you have track practice?"
"Nah, I can skip it for once. I'd rather be with you."
"Awwh, really? That's so sweet, Matt," she gushed, taking his
hand. "What do you want to do? We can go to my house. My mom's
probably home though. . . "
"Well, we can go to my house. It's real close," he said.
"Sure! Okay! I've never been to your house before."
They walked home. He tried to walk quickly. He knew his parents
would still be gone for awhile yet. He needed at least a few hours.
"This is my house," he told her, walking up the driveway.
"I like it."
"Thanks."
They went inside. She put her backpack down in the hall.
"Are you hungry?" he asked her.
"No, not really."
He smiled. "Wanna see my room?"
"Sure!"
They went upstairs. He was praying.
She sat on his bed, bouncing and giggling.
Yes, he thought. He jumped next to her, trying to get himself to
laugh alongside her. He leaned in and kissed her. She responded,
kissing him back and putting her hands on his chest. He leaned on her,
and she slid down on her back, so he lay on top of her.
She slipped her hand into his pants, rubbing his hard dick. He
touched her breasts, rubbing them over her bra as his hands traveled
under her shirt. He kissed her for awhile, his brain screaming at him.
They had made out before, but he felt different today. His blood surged
through his veins, and his mind swam, knowing what he needed was at his
fingertips, if he could just. . .
"I really like you, Lauren," he breathed. "I-I feel like I've
known you a long time. Longer than I have."
"Really? Wow, Matt. I feel the same way!"
"Will you let me make love to you?" he whispered, kissing her ear
and her neck softly.
She hesitated, but he could tell she liked the touch of his
tongue. "I don't know. . . "
"Have you done it before?"
She shook her head. "But you have. I know you have, I heard so."
"Yeah. But I wish I was still a virgin."
"Really?"
"Yeah. . . " He continued to kiss her for awhile, then finally
said, praying it would go his way, "You don't have to if you don't want
to. . . "
She paused. Then she kissed him back. "Well, I think I love you
Matt," she whispered. "I mean, I *know* I do."
"I love you too. . . " He kissed her again, then kicked his
shoes off. Standing up, he pulled his shirt off, rubbing her between her
legs while she stared at him. He didn't care about modesty, he pulled
his pants and underwear off too. His dick stood up straight in front of her.
He lay back down on the bed, leading her hand once again to his
dick. He kept kissing her, removing her shirt and bra.
"Will you kiss me on my dick?" he whispered.
She hesitated, then leaned in. He closed his eyes, and sighed as
he felt her tongue against his sensitive member.
"Yeah, that's right. . . " he groaned as she slowly licked it.
"Suck it. . . "
She tried to take it into her mouth, and he winced from her teeth
scraping it. But she moved her mouth around it, up and down. He moaned.
"Yeah. . . That's good." He let her work on him for awhile,
then sat up, leaning in to kiss her.
Breathing hard, she lay back, looking at him. He leaned over,
kissing her breasts while he undid her jeans. He pulled them off, and
her underwear. She lay there, her legs closed tight. Should he go down
on her? He thought he should, but she didn't seem to want him to. He
pulled the covers up over them while he lay on her again.
He slipped his finger into her, thrilled that she was wet. He
kissed her again, eyes closed, as he put his dick at her hole. He tried
to get it in, to ease it in. He pushed against it. There we go, he
thought, as it slid in the slightest bit.
He still gripped the base, and he opened his eyes to look at
her. She stared at him, her eyes wide. He tried to push it in more, he
kept trying. It was going in, little by little.
Finally it went in, and she screamed as her body ripped to allow
him entrance. He sighed, thrusting in and out.
She was crying, sobbing that it hurt.
"Don't cry," he told her. "It'll feel better soon. . . "
She sniffled, and he kissed her. He kept pumping into her.
"Pull out," she told him. "Don't do it in me!"
He nodded, disappointed though. He hadn't had to worry about
that with Jen.
"Aww yeah!" he groaned. "Yeah! That's good! Shit!" he gasped.
He kept fucking her, as hard as he could. She was so tight. He
couldn't remember if Jen had been this tight. Possibly. He hadn't been
thinking about it when he was in her. He'd been thinking about how happy
he was.
Hell, I'm happy now, he thought. Fuck!
He pulled out, grabbing her hand and making her pump his dick.
She rubbed him up and down as he groaned, and shot his cum all over her
stomach.
He breathed hard, relaxing on her.
"Wow, that was good Lauren."
"Yeah, it hurt though. . . " she told him.
"Yeah. It always does the first time for girls, you know."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Aren't you happy?"
"Yeah, I am. I love you so much Matt," she whispered.
"Yeah. I love you too, Lauren."
Chapter 42
Jen was depressed still, hating her life and every aspect of it.
She felt so alone. Dana didn't call her anymore, well, Jen had been rude
to her when she had. Dana's solution to all Jen's problems was : "Get
back together with Ryan!" Not, thought Jen. I'd rather go out with
fucking Kasey than Ryan.
Kasey was such a prick, she thought. She couldn't believe what a
fool she had been. He had called her, but she had gathered up her
self-esteem and refused to associate with him anymore. She didn't have
anybody in her life anymore. Well, there was Danny who she still talked
to. At least he cares about me, she thought painfully. Nobody else
does. She felt guilty about what she had said to Matt that day, and the
whole thing with him. She kept telling herself he didn't care anymore.
It would be conceited to think otherwise, she thought.
She had half a mind to call him, and ask him to come over. Just
to see if he would do it. Should she? She was so lonely, maybe he would
forgive her for being a bitch and come over. Her parents were gone that
night, plus, she reasoned, it's not like she was going to sleep with him
again. She began to get nervous as she looked up his number in the
book. Then she calmed herself down, knowing how nice he was.
Chapter 43
"Hello?" Matt asked.
"Matt? It's Johanna, Lauren's friend."
"Oh, hi."
"Why are you being such a prick to Lauren?"
"What? I'm not."
"You're suck a jerk, I swear. You take her virginity and tell
her you love her, and then treat her like this! You never talk to her
and you don't call her anymore! Don't you like her?"
"Um, she's nice."
"You're a jerk, aren't you?"
"No. You can think what you want, I don't care."
"Well don't you care what Lauren thinks?"
"Um, not especially."
"Oh my God! You are such a jerk, Matt!" Johanna hung up on him.
Oops, Matt thought. He did care what Lauren thought about him.
He did, he just, he didn't know. He guessed he didn't like her much
anymore. Of course, he told himself, he had been using her all along.
He hadn't ever cared about her.
But he knew he had, though he tried to push that thought out of
his mind. Nobody could tell him what to do, not Lauren or Johanna. Even
his parents were idiots. So maybe he had used her, so what. People used
each other everyday. Jen had used me, he thought bitterly. She used me
to piss Ryan off. They're both bitches, he thought angrily. Then he
began to get sad, knowing he loved one of those bitches, the one he
couldn't have.
The phone rang again.
"Hullo?" he asked.
"Matt?" said a female voice, a voice he knew very well.
"Yeah?" he replied, trying to pretend he didn't know it was her.
Maybe it wasn't, he thought.
"Um, it's Jen. How are you?"
"Um, fine."
"That's good."
"How are you?" he asked back, his heart pounding so loudly he
could barely hear.
"Aright. So, what's up?"
"Nothing."
"Yeah, me neither."
"Really? Nothing exciting for you on a Friday night?"
"Nah, nothing goin' on. You're not doing anything either?"
His heart raced. Why was she calling him? Did she like him?
"Um, no, nothing."
"Hmm. . . So, how you been?"
"Fine."
"Yeah. . . Um, you don't live that far from me, do you wanna
come over?"
Was she kidding? Was this some sort of a joke? He wondered if
maybe she hated him and there were some guys waiting there to beat him
up. "Well, why?" he asked.
She paused. "Oh, I don't know. I'm bored I guess. If you don't
want to I don't care. I'm just bored," she repeated.
"Well. . . " he hesitated. "Sure, I mean, I'm really bored too."
"Well, that's cool. Cool, you know where I live right?"
"Yeah, I know! When?"
"Um, I don't care. Now is fine. Whenever."
"Okay, I'll be over in awhile," he told her casually.
"Aright, I'll see you in a bit."
"Aright. Bye."
"Bye."
He hung up, grinning. He was so happy, she didn't hate him, and
she wanted to hang out with him. That must mean she liked him, just as a
friend at least.
*****
"Hey, come in. What's up?" Jen asked him, opening the door to
let him in.
Matt felt weird, so weird to be in her house again, and to see
her so relaxed, barefoot as they went into the living room.
"I was just watching TV," she told him as she laid down on the couch.
He nodded, dumbstruck for a minute as he sat next to her.
"What are you watching?" he asked.
"Jeffersons," she said, smiling at him.
He laughed, relaxing.
"Well, I guess I should apologize," she told him, putting the TV
on mute. "I'm sorry what I said that day. I didn't mean it."
"Oh." He felt awkward, like he should apologize too. But he
didn't have anything to apologize for. He knew that.
She sat up, scooting in next to him. She looked him in the
eyes. "I mean it. I was a bitch to say that, and I hope you forgive me."
"I forgive you," he told her, then looked away. He did forgive
her of course. Like he could stay mad at her!
"Yeah?" she said, giving him another smile.
She was so close to him, her face was right there. She wanted
him to kiss him, he thought. She's horny and that's why she invited me over.
He nodded, saying gruffly, "Yeah. . . " Then he leaned in closer
to her, and she didn't pull away. His mouth searched for hers as his
eyes closed, and he hungrily kissed her, his tongue touching hers. Then
she pulled away, and he wanted to die on the spot.
"Matt," she sighed.
He wished he was dead. God, why do I do this shit? he thought,
angry at himself for being such a fool. He was so angry. "What?" he
asked sullenly, not looking at her.
"Matt," she whined, trying to be cute, he thought.
"What?" he snapped, annoyed. "Why the fuck did you invite me here?"
She looked surprised. "Matt, what? You think that's why I
invited you here? I just wanted to apologize, then hang out!"
He still didn't look at her. "Yeah," he muttered.
"I mean it! What, oh, that's why you came over, huh? Just to
fuck me? Oh, how nice, thank you," she said sarcastically, sounding hurt.
"No," he sighed. "That's not why. I-I just thought you wanted it."
"Why?" she said, annoyed. "Wait, you did think that's why I
invited you here."
He paused. "Well, I wanted to make you happy I guess."
"Oh, don't give me that!" she snapped, angry. "Man, why'd you
have to do that? My life sucks, and I was lonely, and all you want is to
get off again. Well thanks but no thanks."
He shook his head. "That's not true! No, I mean, forget it. I
just thought that is what you wanted, but it's not what I wanted."
"Oh, yeah, bullshit," she countered. "That's all you want, just
to get laid. That's the only thing you ever wanted from me," she
accused, knowing that wasn't true but feeling all the more sorry for herself.
"That is not! That's not true at all!" he cried, hurt and angry
at the same time.
She didn't answer him.
"It's not! I swear it. I didn't even want to do it then, you
know that? I just, I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to be there for
you," he said honestly, though trying to sound as sensitive as possible.
"Well then you're a real fool if you did it and you didn't want
to!" she told him.
It was like a slap in the face. He had been being honest, and
told her what he had finally figured out after weeks and weeks of pain.
He stood up.
"Fine, I don't care anyway," he told her.
"Oh, you're gonna fucking leave. You've been here ten minutes
and you're gonna leave. Wait, come on, I want you to stay. Come on,
Matt, don't be pissed!"
He ignored her, feeling cold as he continued toward her front
door. He considered yelling something back to her, about what a bitch
she was or whatever to get the last word, but he couldn't bring himself
to do so. Instead he just left.
continued. . .
Chapter 44
"Will you just leave me alone?" snapped Ryan.
"God! I'm just trying to help," responded Darius.
"Well you're not helping, okay? You're just fucking making it
worse! I don't want another girlfriend right now. I don't want another
girlfriend!"
"What, are you gonna spend the rest of your life alone because of
Jen? How about when she invites you to her wedding? Are you gonna bring
a date or will you still be hoping she comes back to you? Wake up,
Harper! She's not gonna come back to you!"
"I don't think she is, aright! But maybe I don't want another
girlfriend right now! And you're bugging me about this Jody chick. So
fucking knock it off, will ya?"
"God. It's just that Jen's getting on with her life, and it just
bugs me to see you all by yourself and lonely and shit."
"I'm not by myself and lonely. I've got enough fucking friends!
Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't fucking make me lonely."
"Aright! I mean, I know it sucks and stuff, but you should just
consider asking someone to Prom just as a friend. You gotta go, man. It
won't be Prom if you're not there."
"No. I don't want to go. I will not be going so why don't you
just drop it. You've been on my ass since the minute Jen was out the
door," Ryan said angrily. "Don't you even fucking understand?"
"Sure, I understand. I told you, I know it sucks."
"You know what Darius, I don't think you do understand. You've
never given a shit about anybody. You've never been in love, you know
that? You don't even know what love is."
"Man, fuck you. Why do ya gotta get so personal?"
"Because we're talking about personal shit here! And you can't
tell me what to do, because we're not in your territory here. You don't
know shit about love or loss or anything because you've never even
loved. And I'm sick of your shit and you ragging on Jen all the time,
like it's supposed to make me feel better if you call my ex-girlfriend a
slut or something. So why don't you go out and get some knowledge about
the world and a real fucking relationship and then you can come back and
maybe I'll listen to you."
"Fuck off Harper. You're so fucking sorry you don't even know
how sorry you are. Fuck you!" Darius told him, hanging up.
"No, fuck you!" Ryan yelled as he hung up the phone. "Goddamn
fucking prick," he muttered.
Will came running in without knocking, Robby chasing him.
"Ryan!" Will whined. "Robby took the remote control and he won't
let me watch what I was watching first! I was there first!"
"Yeah, and then you hit me you little baby!" yelled Robby,
pushing him.
Will pushed him back, knocking him against the chair, which fell
over. Ryan's books fell onto the floor, his binder opening and papers
spilling out.
"Look what you fucking did!" he screamed at his brothers. "Get
out of my room!"
"Stupid brat!" Robby yelled at Will, kicking him in the legs.
"You're the brat!" cried Will.
"You're both brats!" Ryan yelled. "I told you, get the fuck out
of my room!"
"I'm not a brat!" Will cried.
"Yes you are! Now get out! I never said you could come in
here! Get out before I throw you out!"
"I hate you Ryan!" Will yelled at him as he ran out.
"Good! I hate you too!" Ryan yelled back. "Dumb brats!" he
yelled at them as he slammed his door.
God! He picked his books up off the floor and threw them on his
bed. He stared down at his physics notebook, the one he had gotten from
Jen's house after he had taken her home that time. He looked at it, his
heart skipping a beat as his eyes ran over Jen's handwriting.
"Wyan is da best," it said. "Jen wuvs Wyan." His eyes filled
with tears as he remembered it was old, written one time when he was over
there and they were studying. He picked up the notebook and threw it
against the wall, papers flying out. It felt good to throw it. But not
good enough.
He picked up his math book, a heavy bound book, and threw it at
the wall as hard as he could. It made a satisfying thud. He picked up
his physics book, and threw it at the wall. He threw all his books, even
his small paperback English books, against the wall.
He was on such a high, his anger causing his blood to race
through his veins. He felt like driving his car 100 mph, crashing into a
brick wall or off a cliff. He imagined his car exploding as it rolled
down the cliff, a fiery ball.
He jumped on his bed, scattered with papers, and buried his head
in his pillow. He screamed as loud as he could until he went hoarse.
Chapter 45
Danny had his spring break, and he came back down to his old
neighborhood. He of course stopped to see Jen. He was worried about her
anyway, he knew she was upset.
Jen was thrilled. She hadn't seen Danny in awhile, since the
last time he returned to their town. Maybe a year. But they had kept in
touch and had become quite good friends since his letter. Now she was
thinking about him again. He was still good looking, extremely sexy.
She remembered kissing him during their brief romance. Before Ryan. She
remembered the time he had kissed her when she had been with Ryan,
remembering what his lips felt like against hers.
She thought about having sex with him. She tried to picture them
in her bed. God she wanted him. God, she was horny. This was the
longest she's gone without sex since she had first done it. Danny didn't
have sex much, he'd only done it with one girl last year. She got more
and more excited thinking about that night, knowing how great it was
going to be.
When he came over she gave him a huge hug, pulling him into her
house and squeezing him tight. He looked the same, although he commented
on her different appearance. She shrugged, saying her hair was easier to
take care of like that. He told her she looked nice.
He had brought Chinese food for them, and they sat on her floor
and ate it while watching a movie. Jen was feeling the intensity, and
wondered if he felt it too. He could try something and she wouldn't turn
him down. She wondered if he knew that. Maybe she should make the first
move.
Why not? she thought. She would wait for a lull in the movie.
She stood up to get something else to drink, using that as an excuse to
sit nearer to him when she came back. She sat right next to him, closer
than she had been before. Her leg was touching his.
She stared straight ahead at the television, but she could see
him looking at her out of the corner of her eye in the dark room. She
looked over at him, and they looked at each other. She smiled. He
smiled back.
She leaned in and touched his face, still smiling. She leaned in
further, eyes closed, and kissed him on the lips. He kissed her back,
opening his mouth as she moved even closer to him.
She straddled his lap where he sat, leaning against the foot of
her bed. They continued to kiss. She gasped slightly from the pressure
of his hardness between her legs. She was so turned on then, he was just
so masculine, so hard.
She stood up slowly, taking his hand to pull him up too. She lay
back on her bed, and he stared down at her. She pulled off her T-shirt,
trying to look as sexy as possible.
"Comere. . . " she told him with a smile, patting the bed next to her.
He inched towards her, then stopped, still looking at her. Her
smile faded. He looked away.
"What's the matter?" she asked him.
He shrugged. "Nothing's the matter. It's just that, I don't
think we should."
Jen lay there, stunned. She hadn't considered he wouldn't want
her. She sat up, not looking at him. "Oh."
"Jen, I mean, I *want* to do it, but, you know."
She didn't answer, pulling her shirt back on. She felt like such
a fool.
"Jen! Come on," he said, sitting on the bed. He hugged her
affectionately.
She tried not to cry, shrinking away from him.
"We would regret it. I don't want to lose your friendship."
"We wouldn't regret it," she muttered. "We would still be friends."
"Jen. You know that's not true. I don't even live here. I have
to go back in a few days."
"So?" she said sullenly.
"So?" He paused, looking at her. "Is that what you want? Sex
with someone without a relationship? Doesn't sound like the Jen I know.
. . "
"Well maybe you don't know me," she told him.
He looked hurt. "Don't be like that! What, you want me to fuck
you now? And then leave?"
She fought back tears. "No, I didn't mean that. Just, now I
feel like an idiot," she muttered.
"Hey, don't feel like an idiot. I mean, believe me, I *want*
to. I really, *really* want to," he laughed.
She gave him a smile.
"So don't feel rejected or whatever. Because trust me, it's not
that at all."
She nodded, her face crumpling as she started to cry.
"Oh, Jen," he said, hugging her tightly. "Don't cry."
"My life sucks," she sobbed into his arm. God, it felt so good
to be held. "It sucks."
"It'll get better. Hey my life sucks too, aright?"
"Not as much as my life sucks," she sobbed.
"You'd be surprised! See, you don't want sex, do you?"
She shook her head. "No. . . I want love. I want you to love
me. I want everyone to love me," she cried.
"So does everyone. And everyone that knows you loves you."
She shook her head. "No. Lots of people hate me."
"Nobody hates you. And if they do they're losers. 'Cause if
they know you then they have to love you."
"Ryan hates me," she sobbed.
"I doubt that," he told her.
"And-and Matt, that freshman that I screwed over, he hates me
too! I used him," she sobbed. "I'm such a bitch. And Ryan beat him
up. And I told him I loved him and I didn't!"
He didn't know what to say. "Well, nobody's perfect Jen."
"I'm a slut."
"You're not a slut. If you're a slut than I'm a slut because I
would have sex with anything that moves. Except those who I might lose
their friendship," he added.
She nodded. "I'm the ho of the world."
He laughed at her phrase. "That would look good on a business card."
She laughed. "I just wanna be happy," she told him, still crying.
"So do I."
"I wish my life didn't suck."
"So do I!"
They sat there for a long while, talking. He comforted her and
she cried. Finally he had to leave, but they were much closer than they
had been before. They were much closer than they would have been had
they had sex, and both realized this.
After he left Jen stood in her bathroom looking at her image in
the mirror. She thought about how much she loved Danny, as a friend.
She wondered what would have happened if they had never broken up. She
wondered what would have happened if she had never met Ryan. She thought
about both of those things.
She stared at her reflection. She picked up a lock of her hair
and slowly unbraided it.
Chapter 46
Ryan pulled into his driveway, Robby in the passenger seat next
to him. Neither said anything. He stopped the car but didn't turn off
the ignition. Robby didn't get out, just sat there.
"Um, I'll be back later," he told him.
Robby looked at him. "Where are you going?"
Ryan shrugged. "I'll be back."
Robby unbuckled his seat belt and slowly got out of the car.
Ryan watched him as he disappeared into the house.
He felt numb as he backed out of the driveway. He felt helpless,
like a child. Hollow, that's how he felt.
*****
Jen was tired, but she couldn't go to sleep yet. She still had
four chapters to do for math, plus at least three hours of work in
English. She'd been up late the night before doing her physics. She
hated physics. She wished she still had Ryan's notes. She'd lost them,
she figured. She had had a dream that Ryan came and took them away in
the middle of the night, but she didn't think about it much; she only
bothered to be annoyed that she'd lost them.
She'd gotten behind in all her classes, but her teachers were all
sympathetic. She had always been a good student, and they were going to
let her make up her work. She told herself she could do it, kept
prodding herself along as she wanted to give up. She looked over at a
pile of large envelopes on her desk, ripped from when they had been
opened. Pleased to tell her that she had been accepted. Accepted.
Accepted.
And the reply had been the same from the school where Ryan was
going. Accepted. That had been what she had wanted. It was a great
school, and a huge school. But she couldn't go there. It was impossible
now. But her second choice was just as good, even more prestigious
actually, though it was smaller. And it was out of state.
She tried to picture her dorm, her roommate a faceless figure
welcoming her. She thought of the things she would put on her wall.
Pictures of Dana, and her parents, and Danny, and Melissa. Dana--her
best friend. She knew Dana, she hoped she'd accept her apology, no
problems. The other people she had hurt with her attitude, Melissa, and
her parents, she hoped they would forgive her as well. She knew Melissa
she could just call one day, it's not like she had ever fought with any
of her friends really; she had just sort of been ignoring them for
Kasey's crowd for awhile. She knew who her true friends were.
But Matt, she'd hurt Matt. She promised herself she would talk
to him, *really* talk to him, before she left. She would always feel
horrible for the way she had treated him, and how much she must have hurt
him. She vowed again to apologize to him before she left.
Before she left--she thought about that again. Her mind wandered
back to her new home, and all the people she would meet. No boyfriend to
worry about across the country, no worrying if he had found someone
better. But another image crept into her mind, a faceless guy, maybe one
who lived across the hall from her. She imagined watching movies in his
room, and studying with him as they groaned about their professors.
She smiled, starting to get excited. See, she told herself,
aren't you glad you never killed yourself? That would have been so lame,
she thought. My life is just beginning.
She tried to picture herself married, to yet another faceless
guy. She imagined herself in the grocery store, maybe running into her
old high school boyfriend, Ryan Harper. They would be cordial, and talk
about their jobs and their spouses. And their kids.
Then she would go home to her family. See, she thought again, my
life is just beginning. She forced herself back to her work, pushing
thoughts she didn't want to hear out of her head.
Jen took a break from studying to watch The Late Show and get
something to eat. She was sitting on her couch eating cereal when she
saw headlights through the curtains and heard a motor. Her heart skipped
a beat.
She returned her gaze to the television screen. She wasn't going
to go running out the door for him. She took a few more bites. The
doorbell hadn't rung.
Hmm, she thought. The gate was open, maybe it was just someone
turning around in her driveway. She finished her cereal. She watched TV
some more, still wondering about the headlights and the motor she had
heard. She had to return to her studying anyway.
She got up and peeked through the kitchen window. Sure enough,
it was there, a very familiar blue Bronco. She squinted, and saw him.
He was still sitting in his car, his head on the steering wheel.
For a second she wondered if he was hurt. Nah he couldn't be.
He was still sitting there. But she didn't go out to see him. She went
back down and sat on the couch, her mind spinning.
But wait a minute, she thought. This is my house, he's in my
driveway. I have more than a right to see why he is here and what he
wants. It doesn't mean I'm crawling back to him.
She went back to the window, wondering if maybe he had driven
away without her knowing. No, he was still there. She opened the front
door, shivering from the cold night air. He didn't look up as she walked
around his car to the driver's side door. He still didn't look up as she
stood there. She rapped on the window and said his name.
He sat up, looking at her slowly. She made a motion for him to
roll down the window. He did, his eyes swollen and red. She tried to
keep her cool.
"What's up?" she asked. It came out gently.
He looked down at his hands on the steering wheel. He shook his head.
"Why are you here?"
Ryan paused. "I-I can't," he croaked.
"Can't what?" God, it felt weird to talk to him again.
"Say it," he told her, looking at her. "I'm not here to try to
make you come back to me Jen, so you know," he added.
"Yeah?"
He nodded. He looked up at the roof of his car. "It's not me,
it-it's Will."
"Will?" she asked, startled. "What's the matter with Will?"
He shook his head, crying again as he put his head back down on
the wheel.
She opened the door. "Come on, get out. Tell me!"
He got out slowly, then stood there not looking at her as she
closed the door.
"What happened to Will?" she demanded. "Is he okay?"
He shrugged, crying too hard to speak.
She was frustrated, but scared. She was scared to death right
then. "Is he okay?" she repeated.
"They don't know!" he blurted out. "He got hit by a car Jen," he
sobbed. "On his skateboard. They don't know if he's gonna make it. . . "
"Oh my God," she said, as her eyes filled with tears. Not Will.
He put his face in his hands, sobbing, "You're my best friend,
Jen. I need you, you're my best friend. I don't care if you hate me but
I need you now. . . "
She could barely see him as she reached for him awkwardly, taking
him in her arms. His strong arms went around her as they stood in her
driveway hugging each other, crying.
"No, come in," she told him. "I don't care."
He followed her into her house, and they stopped in the foyer,
where she held him again. He was crying so hard he could barely stand up.
"He's my little brother," he sobbed. "What am I gonna do if my
little brother dies?"
Jen was crying too hard to answer, she just shook her head,
meaning that Will would be all right. They went into her room where he
sat on her bed, his face in his hands. She sat next to him, hugging him.
"He'll be okay," she whispered. "He's such a strong kid."
He just kept crying, wiping his eyes.
"He is. He is such a tough kid. He'll make it, he will."
"I love that kid Jen. I love that kid," he cried.
"I know you do. I love him too."
"He can't die," he whispered.
"We just gotta pray, and wish for the best. He's gotta make it!"
"I told him-I told him I hated him Jen!" he sobbed. "The other
day I called him a brat! I said I hated him!"
"He knows you love him, Ry. He knows you were just mad." She
was still crying herself.
"He-he said, 'I *hate* you Ryan!'" he recalled. "And I said-I
said. . . " he sobbed. "I said, 'Good! I hate you too!'"
"I told you, he knows you love him, so stop thinking about that.
You know he didn't mean it, and he knows you didn't mean it. So stop
thinking about it, huh? It won't do any good. Just-just think positive."
"What am I gonna do if he dies though?"
"You can't think that! Stop saying that!" she told him. "He
won't die."
He nodded, wiping his eyes with the Kleenex Jen gave him. "I
promised him I'd take him to the batting cages for his birthday. I never
did," he told her.
"You will. You still will."
He shook his head. "I said I would do it on his birthday. Just
the two of us. And I said I couldn't. 'Cause I was too-'cause I
couldn't do it. But I could have," he whispered. "I just didn't."
"Ryan, look at me. You and your brother, both your brothers,
have a *great* relationship. He knows you love him. You can't sit here
and think of all the times you teased each other or hit each other or how
in 1988 you ate his piece of cake on purpose or whatever, got it?
Because none of that stuff matters, 'cause you guys have a great
relationship."
He nodded, sighing. "I love him."
"Good. I love him too."
"You-you wouldn't believe. He looked so awful Jen," he sobbed.
"He had this big bandage on his head and he was connected to this machine
and it was so awful. He just looked so *little*. So little."
She held him to her on the bed. "I know," she told him. "He's
like my little brother, too," she cried. She began to cry harder than
him, and they both lay there holding each other crying.
They cried for awhile, sometimes saying something about Will and
how strong he was, or how good of a kid he was. But they cried about
other stuff inside, each getting out a lot of tears that had been held
back recently, despite the copious amounts that had already flowed. Soon
it wasn't about Will anymore as they lay there.
"Oh Jen," he whispered finally. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please!"
She didn't say anything, just lay there in his arms.
"I never meant it. I can't believe I could ever have done
anything like that to my darling. I am so sorry."
"I slept with him, Ryan. It won't be the same," she cried.
"It's not the same."
"I don't care! I don't care at all about that! It was my fault,
I'm such an asshole. I don't even deserve to be here with you."
"It's not that. It, no, I don't know. . . "
"I love you Jennifer Marie Halleran."
She sat up, sniffling. He still lay there, wiping tears away.
She sat on the edge of the bed, silent. She got up suddenly, walking to
her dresser drawer and opening it slowly. She stood there awhile, and he
lacked the energy to get up or even ask what she was doing.
She walked back to him, staring down at him, her eyes as red as
his. Sitting next to him on the bed she held out her fist, then slowly
opened it. He looked down at her open palm.
In it lay a diamond ring.
He stared at it, eyes wide, then reached for it, not believing it
was really there. He took it, looking at it in disbelief.
He looked up. "How? What, did you get the pipes opened or something?"
She shook her head. "I-I never did it. I never flushed it. I
just pretended I did."
He stared at her.
"I put it in my pocket," she told him.
He kept staring at her. "I'm sorry," he whispered, crying.
"I couldn't do it," she said, crying again too. "I was mad, but
I couldn't do it still."
He looked down at the ring in his hand. "The past few weeks have
been hell, Jen."
She didn't say anything.
"Jen, please. . . " he said softly.
She bit her lip, then fell towards him as she sobbed. He held
her to him
tightly as they both cried.
"Ryan, I love you," she cried. "I've never loved anybody else."
"Oh God, baby, I love you. You're my life Jen. I need you
back. Please come back."
She nodded on his shoulder, crying too hard to speak.
Chapter 47
Matt's life was just getting worse by the day, he thought. He
wished he had never tried to kiss Jen again. Why couldn't he just
realize that it wasn't going to happen? It was such a painful thought
though, giving up on her.
Plus he felt horrible about what he had done to Lauren. One time
during the class they had together she ran out of the room, crying. Her
friends all looked at him. What could he do?
It's not my fault, he had thought. She wanted it too. But he
knew he had taken advantage of her. And it wasn't him, he didn't want it
like that. Maybe that's why he couldn't face her. It just wasn't his
style, as much as he hated that expression.
His life was just so empty. Jen hated him. Lauren hated him.
His friends were assholes. He wasn't friends at all with Mike anymore.
Mike hung out with a different crowd now. His other friends were dorks.
He thought about one day when he had seen Jen during lunch. He
hadn't seen her in awhile. She was studying by herself in the library.
She had taken all of her braids out and was dressed nicer.
She looked up suddenly and caught his eye as he was staring at
her from across the library. She didn't look away, but he did. Then he
walked away.
He wondered what it meant, if anything. He looked at the phone,
thinking about calling her, but quickly ruled that out. No way. And he
didn't have the energy to crank call her, plus, what if she had gotten
her phone tapped to find out who had done it? That would be so humiliating.
He thought about his friends. They were so impressed with the
fact that he had "nailed Lauren." They laughed at her. What jerks. No
wonder they never had any damn sex, he thought.
He wished he had friends like Jen had. Jen had great friends he
knew, or she had before she went wacko. Well, it wasn't fair for him to
say she had gone wacko. After all, he was totally out of the loop
anyway. He wasn't a part of her life one bit.
He wondered about when he went away to college. The way it stood
now he didn't have any friends that he would actually want to keep in
touch with. He didn't have a girlfriend either. Probably all the girls
hated him, too. After all, Lauren was really popular, and all her
friends thought he was scum. He wished he could move away, and start
over, but that wasn't likely.
Plus he was bracing himself for when Jen moved away. It didn't
matter how much of a bitch he said she was, he still loved her. He
always would, he knew. He still thought about her constantly, and still
pictured them together. He knew it was ridiculous, but he still couldn't
help it. At least now he had the option of seeing her around, but when
she moved away he wouldn't *ever* talk to her again. He wondered what it
would be like next year, all the time wondering where she was and what
she was doing. She wouldn't ever be thinking about Matt, except to
remind herself of what a mistake he had been, he thought, if that. I'm
just a mistake, he thought, his face crumpling as he began to cry.
She'll always be my first and I'll just be a fucking mistake, he thought.
A knock came on his door. Fuck, he thought, wiping his eyes on
his pillowcase.
"What?" he asked.
His mom came in. "Matt, th- what's the matter?" she asked,
seeing his eyes red.
"Nothing!" he told her.
She paused. "Well, someone's here to see you."
"Who is it?" he asked. Maybe it's Jen!
"It's Lauren."
"Oh." Lauren? he thought disappointedly.
"Yeah, come down and see her."
"No. Tell her to come up here," he told her, nervous about his
parents eavesdropping.
His mom started to protest, but he interrupted, "We're not gonna
do anything, God Mom!"
She sighed, leaving while he hurriedly wiped his eyes again,
praying she couldn't tell he had been crying. He lay on his bed, trying
to look casual.
He heard her coming up the stairs, his heart racing. He stared
down at his book until he heard her knock on his open door.
He looked up, then sat up. "Hi," he said.
She walked in, looking nervous. She looked around, then closed
his door.
"I just wanted to tell you," she began, "that I think what you
did to me really fucking sucks!"
He sat there, stunned.
"I'm sorry," he told her, honestly.
"No you're not!" she told him, her eyes flashing with anger.
"You're so damn selfish it isn't even funny. I thought you were cool,
but now I see that you're just a jerk. You wouldn't even return my
calls, so I had to come over here myself to tell you that. That's all I
wanted to say," she broke off, her voice wavering.
"No, wait. Don't leave," he said, jumping up.
"Why?" she demanded, angry. "What? You just wanna fuck me
again?" She started to cry.
"No, Lauren, I'm sorry!" he insisted. "I am, I mean it. Really."
"Oh, yeah Matt!" she cried. "Matt, wanna make love?" she said,
imitating him sarcastically.
That hurt him. That had been what Jen had said to him. "No!" he
said. "No, I'm serious. I am sorry, really I am."
She shook her head. "I was so stupid to think you were cool."
"I'm sorry," he told her simply. "That's all I can say. I wish
you would believe me, 'cause if I had to do it all over again I never
would have done that to you. Honest, Lauren."
"Oh yeah?" she asked him. "Why? You got a fuck."
"No, I don't care about that. Because, then it was different,
and you were gone. . . " he told her, just now realizing that he had
missed her.
"Yeah, you were different and *made* me gone!'"
"It was different. . . " he repeated awkwardly, not having
planned out anything to ever say to her as an explanation.
"You made it different." She looked at him. "Were you crying?
Why are your eyes all red?" she demanded.
"No, I was sleeping," he lied.
She kept looking at him, knowing he was lying. "Why were you
crying?" she asked him quietly.
He looked away, shrugging. "I dunno. My life sucks I guess."
"Really?" she asked, sounding touched by his tears. Then she got
angry again. "Oh, like mine doesn't! You're not really sorry."
"Yes I am!"
"No you're not!" she insisted, bursting into tears again. She
sat down on his bed, sobbing.
Matt didn't know what to do. He looked around his room, so
unused to having a girl in it. He was sorry, but he knew she probably
wouldn't ever believe him. He looked at her, amazed that someone was
this hurt, over *him*.
Looking around his room again, he spotted something on his
dresser and got up, on an impulse. He picked up the glass long-stemmed
rose, which he had gotten from a glassblower at Disneyland a few years
back, out of the mug he kept it in. He walked back over to her, holding
it out in front of her.
She was still crying, her face in her hands. He felt like a fool
holding it there while she ignored him. He touched her shoulder, and she
looked up slowly, wiping her eyes.
"What's that?" she asked him, sniffling.
He shrugged, feeling even more like a fool. He had thought it
might make her feel better, like maybe it was the sort of gesture a girl
would appreciate. He didn't know, he didn't know anything about girls,
he thought. "It's for you," he told her.
She took it, bursting into tears again while she looked down at it.
"I-I guess I'd get you a real one if I could," he told her.
"I'll get you a real one tomorrow," he added.
She continued crying, her makeup smeared around her eyes. "Thank
you," she whispered.
"Nah, don't say thank you to me. I'm a jerk. I told you I'm
sorry. I mean it, I really do," he said, sitting next to her.
"Oh, Matt. . . " she cried.
He took her in his arms, hugging her while she sobbed on his
shoulder. It felt kinda nice, he thought.
"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't know how to act. Will-will
you give me a second chance?" he asked. "I mean, you don't have to."
She pulled away, wiping her eyes again with her free hand, the
other still holding the glass rose. "I don't know," she said.
"I am sorry. And I never lied when I said I really liked you,"
he told her. He realized how easily she could remind him of how he had
lied when he had said he loved her, so much worse.
But she didn't. Lauren just looked at him sadly. She sighed,
then gave him a small smile. "My friends are gonna kill me," she told
him. "But, okay. . . "
He grinned at her, giving her another hug. They laughed as he
was careful of not breaking the flower she held between them.
"Good, let's start over," he smiled at her. "You know, I
understand if you don't want to be with me again."
She shrugged. "We'll see. But you're right, let's just start
over. I'm a virgin," she laughed.
He hugged her again.
Chapter 48
"Jen!" exclaimed Karen. "Hi, how are you?" she asked, surprised
to see her.
Jen smiled, leaning over to give Ryan's mother a hug as she sat
in the chair. "Fine," she told her.
"Wish I could say the same, but. . . " Karen told her with a sad smile.
"He'll be okay," Jen said positively.
"We're praying," Karen told her. "Where's Robby?" she asked Ryan.
"He's at home. He'll be okay," he answered. "Where's Dad?"
"He's getting coffee for us."
"Oh." Ryan sat down in the chair in the waiting room. Jen sat
next to him, tired, but deep down feeling a rush of adrenaline that she
was with him again. She looked around the room, hating the sight of the
shiny linoleum floors and the feel of the chair beneath her.
"Ryan, I wished you would have stayed with Robby," his mother
told him. "I don't like the thought of him home alone right now."
"Well, I wanted to be here. He'll be okay by himself."
She didn't answer, instead looking over as her husband came back
with the Styrofoam cups of hot coffee. JR seemed very surprised to see Jen.
"Well hullo there Jen," he said, sitting down. "How are you?"
She smiled, shrugging.
"Yeah, me too," he told her, pouring sugar into his cup.
"You want something to eat?" Ryan asked her, getting up. "I'm
kinda hungry."
It seemed a millennium ago that she had eaten that cereal.
"Yeah, kinda."
"Where's the food?" he asked his dad.
His dad told him.
"You stay here?" Ryan asked her, looking at the tired figure in
the chair. She nodded, and he smiled at her as he walked away.
She looked over at his parents across from her. "So, how is he?"
she asked them.
"Well," said JR. "He's still unconscious which isn't really a
good sign. He's also hemorrhaging--bleeding--in his brain, and he's got
some extra fluid in there which they had to drain. He's got a nasty bump
on the head you could say. . . " he told her wryly.
"He's very strong," she told him. "He can pick me up anyways,"
she smiled. "But he'll be okay. I'm sure of it."
He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "So, long time no see huh Jen?"
She smiled shyly.
JR smiled at her back. "That's aright. We really appreciate you
being here," he told her.
"We do," agreed his wife. "You know you're like family."
"Thanks," she said.
"Ryan took Robby home," Karen told her husband. "I think he'll
be okay by himself for awhile."
JR nodded. "Ryan didn't want to stay at home," he said, thinking
out loud.
"No. That's okay." She added to Jen, "Ryan feels guilty you know."
"Why?" Jen asked.
"Oh, he thinks he should have picked him up at baseball
practice." She shook her head. "He's never picked him up at baseball
practice," she said, rolling her eyes as if to say, "That's Ryan for you."
"Well, it's not his fault."
"Yeah, you know the driver was here for awhile too. He brought
him some flowers; we put them in his room. He feels really bad too. It
wasn't his fault," she told her.
"Oh really?" Jen had been wondering about that.
"Yeah, looks like it was Will's fault," she sighed. "Anyway, he
came by with his wife. Very nice man."
Jen nodded, thinking. She stared down at the pattern on the
floor, her vision blurring as her eyes filled with tears.
She didn't see the doctor walk into the little alcove. She
jumped when she heard him talk to Ryan's parents, her heart racing.
"Well, your son's conscious," he told them.
His mom breathed a sigh of relief, sinking down into her chair.
"Thank God," said JR.
"He's still needs to be in the ICU. He's still got more fluid in
his skull that we need to worry about."
"Can we see him?" asked Karen, standing up.
"Yes, but just for a moment."
"Ryan's not back yet," Jen noticed. "I'll go get him. I have to
tell him!"
She walked briskly down the hall in the direction where JR had
said the vending machines were. She rounded the corner and nearly bumped
into him, carrying bags of chips and sodas.
She grabbed his arm. "Ryan, he woke up! Will woke up!"
His face lit up. "What'd they say? Is he gonna be okay?"
"I think so," she told him as they raced towards his room. "I
don't know but I think so."
They went into his room. Ryan had been right, Will looked
horrible. He was very pale and not smiling at all, the only one in the
room not wearing a huge grin.
"My head hurts," he muttered.
A chill ran down her spine as she looked into his eyes, the
whites red with blood.
She gave him a hug, gently.
"Hi Jen," he said. He closed his eyes.
"Hi Will. You better be okay," she told him. "We have some
serious unfinished Sega business. . . "
He nodded. "Where's my board?" he asked suddenly, opening his eyes.
"Don't worry, your board has been rescued," said Ryan.
Karen was crying, holding his hand as she sat in the chair next
to his bed.
"You feeling okay, honey?" she asked.
He shook his head.
"I know, baby, I know," his mom whispered, rubbing his hand.
Jen tried not to cry but couldn't help it. Ryan hugged her, his
chin resting on her head as she choked back sobs. Even JR was blinking
back tears.
"Why's Jen crying?" she heard Will ask.
She pulled away from Ryan, wiping her eyes. "'Cause I'm happy I
guess," she told him, sniffling.
"Well don't cry Jen," he muttered. "Only sad people cry."
She nodded, smiling down at him in the bed. Ryan wrapped his
arms around her, pulling him to her again.
"I hafta go to the bathroom!" Will whined. "You guys hafta leave!"
They laughed, Ryan and Jen walking out of the room. They stood
in the hall, and he hugged her again. She closed her eyes, leaning
against him and melting in his strong arms. God it felt good to be with
him again. It was so right, there was no way she could deny that.
Finally she pulled back. Ryan was crying too. "He's gonna be
okay!" she whispered, smiling at him.
He nodded. "I know." He reached out and wiped her tears away
with his cuff.
"I know he is. . . "
He nodded again. "That's not why I'm crying," he told her.
"Me neither," she answered, smiling. She went back into his
arms, her eyes closed again.
"I love you Jen," Ryan told her.
"I love you too," she whispered.
Ryan hugged her tighter. She opened her eyes, seeing JR standing
there in the hall across from them, finishing his coffee.
He smiled at her.
She smiled back, then closed her eyes again.
The End
-- CJ
I don't write any stories. I'm just a reader, and sometimes a reposter.
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