Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience. From nym.alias.net!nobody Fri Nov 7 08:02:37 1997 Return-Path: <nym.alias.net!nobody> Received: by Mail.NetUSA.Net (Linux Smail3.2.0.97 #25) id m0xTo3Z-001vvVC; Fri, 7 Nov 1997 08:02:37 -0500 (EST) Received: from relay2.UU.NET (192.48.96.7) by Mail.NetUSA.Net with esmtp (Linux Smail3.2.0.97 #25) id m0xTo3X-001vvUC; Fri, 7 Nov 1997 08:02:35 -0500 (EST) Received: from gen2.uu.net by relay2.UU.NET with ESMTP (peer crosschecked as: gen2.uu.net [153.39.50.136]) id QQdoqe21963; Fri, 7 Nov 1997 08:02:33 -0500 (EST) Received: from relay7.UU.NET by gen2.uu.net with ESMTP (peer crosschecked as: relay7.UU.NET [192.48.96.17]) id QQdoqe01284; Fri, 7 Nov 1997 08:02:19 -0500 (EST) Received: from anon.lcs.mit.edu by relay7.UU.NET with SMTP (peer crosschecked as: anon.lcs.mit.edu [18.26.0.254]) id QQdoqe22754; Fri, 7 Nov 1997 08:02:17 -0500 (EST) To: alt-sex-stories-moderated@news.uu.net Path: anon.lcs.mit.edu!nym.alias.net!mail2news Date: 7 Nov 1997 13:02:07 -0000 Message-ID: <19971107130207.13752.qmail@nym.alias.net> From: Kim <kim@nym.alias.net> Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Subject: {ASSD} Kim's Last Stand -- very serious, very sad. Please Read Mail-To-News-Contact: postmaster@nym.alias.net Organization: mail2news@nym.alias.net X-To: story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us X-Loop: jfjf@qz.little-neck.ny.us JMDigest-Score: good -6 JMDigest-Score: good -6 This last night has to be the worst night of my adult life. Out of the blue I have had my emotional carpet pulled from under me. As a result I no longer wish to be a part of this, or any other newsgroup, ever again. I feel I owe you all an explanation for this. It came about, I think, because of a bizarre set of circumstances. To explain it I must fill in some background detail. About three months ago, when I was first beginning to receive fan mail for my stories, I was contacted by a Brit called Nick, e-mail address nick+cassandra@demon.co.uk (Nick) He congratulated me on one of my stories, I forget which one now, but it's irrelevant anyway. Pretty soon we were regularly exchanging lengthy e-mails. I could produce them, if anyone wanted to see them, but it doesn't really matter anymore. One of the common threads of our discussions was the craft of writing. It tuned out that Nick liked to write stories too. He sent some of them to me and I commented on them, pointing out narrative failings, as I saw them. We often didn't agree, but it was all in good spirit. One of the stories he sent me, I was very flattered to see, involved me and my boyfriend as supporting characters. It was a strange story but, I felt, compelling in its own way. I suggested he posted it, and send a copy to Celeste for review. He did this, and this is where coincidence starts to bear. The story was given by Celeste to my friend Anne for a review. She hated it, as is her right to do so. On a whim, almost, I contacted Anne to ask why she didn't like it. I wanted to go back to Nick with an explanation, because Anne wrote a very short review, which, more or less simply stated she hated it. This is where I lose the plot a bit. Anne wrote me last night and told me she never wanted to talk to me again, as she was convinced *I* was really Nick. As you can imagine I was stunned by this. Anne *is*, or at least was, my closest friend on the net. I wrote back an alarmed "no I wasn't Nick, how could she think such a thing!" It sent me into such an emotional spin I got a bit hysterical. About fifteen minutes later I wrote again, begging her to not make this mistake. I was so shocked, I said something so dumb, I can't even bring myself to believe I said it, even now. I thought I played a trump card, when in fact it was a joker. I said I'd withdraw Kim forever if she didn't believe me. Then I noticed I had some mail myself. It was Anne telling me to leave her alone for a while and see if she couldn't get over these feelings. Of course it was too late by then. I'd already sent my second, damning letter. I got an immediate return from Anne, quite rightly mad as hell. Something along the lines of what sort of friend would resort to such emotional blackmail. I hang my head in shame Anne. You're absolutely right. I am no true friend to pull such a stunt. I'll regret those words for the rest of my life. My only pathetic defense was that I was so emotionally torn up at the time, I wasn't thinking straight. Anyway, the long and the short of it is, I am reduced to playing out my threat. I don't wish to be known as a liar as well as a fool. So, as of 08.00 EST time I will post this to ASS, ASSD and, if Eli will allow it, ASSM. I'm struck by the irony of the situation. I remember the last time Anne was really upset was because Plainman had jokingly said he thought she was a man. I spent many letters reassuring Anne that he was joking, and that I *knew* she was a woman. I also remember one of my early letters to Nick saying that if he wanted to know how quality erotica was written he should take a look at Anne's web site and learn from a great writer. He even came back to me and said he thought she was only ok compared to me. I told him then, that if he *ever* said anything derogatory about Anne again I would never talk to him again. He apologized, he thought he was trying to be nice to me <sad smile> So, here I am writing this over breakfast. I haven't slept all night and my chest and throat hurts from almost constant crying. I stayed up and sat in a chair listening to country music on headphones. I have done a great deal of thinking, about my relationship with my boyfriend, about my future, about my job, and about the loss of close friends. 24 hours ago my life was great. I was enjoying myself immensely. I had made many, many new friends and fallen in love with at least two of them. I know that may sound stupid, but I genuinely feel a massive heart tug when I'm chatting with these two women. And more than one man, could have sweet talked me into bed with him. It somehow felt ok to love another woman from afar, even though I'm so much in love with my boyfriend. I would like to say here and now I owe an immense debt of gratitude to the following people: The Bear, for being kind and generous with his web site. Uther, and Malinov, for being the kindest, most gentle souls I know. Bronwen, for being the big sister I never had. Plainman for taking me into his confidence. I'm sorry, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to write, and I'm crying another river while I try to do it. M1ke for being so kind to me and making me laugh so much. I love a man who can make me laugh. Mat, for being Mat. Eli & Joe for being nice and offering me good advice. Lately Tom Bombadil and Sven the Elder for writing me such sweet and thoughtful letters. Nick, of course, the bewildered and innocent bystander in all this. Celeste, for raising me up to a level I never expected, nor really deserved. I owe you a great deal Celeste. Thank you so much for the rare privilege you handed me. Were it not for you I wouldn't have believed I was capable of writing anything. I guess I should have heeded your sensible warning about playing with emotions over the net. Bye Teach. And anyone else I've dealt with in the past. I love you all dearly, and will miss you terribly. My apologies to all those of you waiting for a reply to an e-mail. Finally I must kiss my two lovers one last time. Taria, you were the first person to reach out and offer the hand of friendship to me. For that, I will never forget you. Anne, in spite of what you think of me now, I can only sadly say you're 100% wrong. I take with me a piece of my heart that will always be yours, even if it's now broken beyond words. I will miss you almost as much as I miss my father. And so to the future... I refuse to allow the closing of one door to me to stop me opening another. During my nights thoughts I reassessed my life in great detail. I didn't like what I saw. A vain, egotistical, hysterical woman of 34 who has no husband and no children. I don't intend for that state of affairs to continue into old age. This weekend, I intend to propose to my boyfriend. I'm sure he will accept. It has been me refusing him up till now. If he does accept me for his wife, I intend to stop taking my birth control pills. The prospect terrifies me, in all honesty, but I must go though with it I've decided. I don't have much longer to do it, before I can't. Think of me occasionally as I start on this great new adventure. I will be thinking of you all. I will never forget the happy, and unexpectedly joyous times I've had here. I may float by from time to time to see how you're all doing. I will have finally become the ghost in the machine that dear Malinov once called me. At one point I considered posting this with a remark that perhaps you should all take a poll and see who you believed, me or Anne. But I dismissed that as a despicable, cowardly thing to do. The last thing I want is for some sort of civil-war to break out amongst the people I love so dearly. Please be kind to Anne. She may be wrong, but I wish her to remember me fondly, not as one who set the pack on her. I don't think I'm being egotistical to think that my going will upset many of you. For that I'm truly sorry. Don't try writing to me, as the moment I see this in ASSD I'm issuing a cancel message to nym.alias.net where Kim will cease to be. In a way I'm relieved it's over. This skulking around behind an alias was beginning to really bug me anyway. My grave is ready, and all that remains for me to do is go and lie in it. All my love always Jean (Kim, still crying her eyes out) Forgive me Anne, I would never hurt you. Be kind to Nick, he *really* isn't me.