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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 226 - Oct 18
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Celestial Reviews 226 - October 18, 1997
Note: Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will
you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's
plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week
allowance. That should be enough."
Getting exasperated, since Johnny seemed to have all the answers, Susie's dad
asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
Second note: With Malinov's Spam Contest raging in my brain, I came across
<g> an entry in a.s.s. that bellowed, "SEXTRONAUTS!" Suspecting a possible
story, I downloaded it and found that it was just another spam picture - one
of a strangely familiar blonde women with a naughty look about her. But
wouldn't you think the blonde bimbo on the beach with bare breasts would at
least have a remote astronaut theme? Nope. Nada, unless you count the
apparent effects of gravity. I'm disillusioned. I now suspect that the
YOUNG, DUM, AND FULL OF CUM people may not be full after all.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Letter from Yossi" by Deidre Ng (fivesome) 9, 10, 10
"The Tingle" by DG (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
"Raping Amy" by Wiley06 (rape) 9, 10, 10
"My first story" by Hiccup1049 (voyeurism) 6, 5, 5
Guest Reviews:
"Aphasian Nights" by the Swede (sci fi sex) 9, 8, 6
"Ireland Adventure " by Aaron Hall & TDS (sword and sorcery
nonsense) 6, 7, 3
"The Tutor" by Ann Douglas (college romance) 8, 6, 6
"Nine Ball" by mnelson (gambling for sex) 7, 8, 9
"The Android Affair" by Tomcat (sci fi sex) 8, 7, 7
"Betrayed Wife's Revenge" by Rajah Dodger (femdom revenge)
9.5, 7, 8
"Xena: Plans" by Anonymous (superhero sex) 9.5, 8, 9
"The Bus Story" by El Sol (hot and dirty romance) 10, 10, 10
"Letter from Yossi" by Deidre Ng (Deidre Ng@aol.com). Allison, Brittany, and
Crystal (conveniently, ABC) are typical American tourists in the Middle East,
who are more than happy to talk to a handsome Israeli guy in uniform, who is
nonchalantly holding an Uzi behind them in the car rental line. So they
travel with Yossi and his three reservist friends. Of course, the girls
discuss the Torah and learn the name for those little beanies that Jewish men
wear, and that's about all there is to this story - NOT!
Actually, A and B are shy girls and stay in their own motel room, while
Crystal expresses their gratitude to the guys. The heroic soldiers explore
her foreign territory every which way they can, including in the bomb shelter
during a rocket attack.
The story includes minor grammar errors, but maybe that's because the author
is trying to write in the style of the soldier, Yossi. After all, if he
could write really well, he'd be Minister of Defense and be fucking a
beautiful English teacher instead of gang-banging a humble American tourist.
Ratings for "Letter from Yossi"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Tingle" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). In this Seinfeld episode,
Elaine reveals to Jerry that when a woman touched her recently, she got this
story's eponymous tingle, suggesting that she might be a closet lesbian. The
problem is that Elaine has already set Alyssa up with George Costanza, and
Alyssa professes to be impressed with the fact that George still lives with
his parents. {No, this is not an incest story - she's faking that part!}
However, Alyssa does have secrets, which I won't disclose here; and she gets
George a job writing spam ads for the sexually explicit website operated by
Lovenet Communications; but George has trouble writing good slogans and has
to bring Kramer in as a consultant.... Well, you can probably figure out
where this is going. In several respects this story overlaps with Malinov's
Spam Contest.
A good sitcom parody for this newsgroup should both be sexy and adhere to the
format of the show which it parodies. This story does both. If you like
both sex and Seinfeld, you'll enjoy this story.
Ratings for "The Tingle"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Raping Amy" by Wiley06 (Reposted by Imma Scared <forceme@bigfoot.com>).
Aside from some careless grammatical errors this is a well-written story
about a college guy who rapes a female student, and she enjoys it. It's not
quite clear whether the author thinks he is writing an adolescent fantasy or
a story about a seriously dysfunctional woman who enjoys being mistreated by
a genuine creep. The view from inside the rapist's mind is clearly
described; what scares me is that there are people who will read this story
and think this sort of behavior is neat.
Actually, while many normal women really do enjoy fantasizing about experienci
ng cruel abuse like that described in this story, men are seriously mistaken
if they believe that there are many women who would react like Amy - or that
any woman who reacts this way is free of serious personality problems.
Ratings for "Raping Amy"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My first story" by Hiccup1049 (Hiccup1049@aol.com). I enjoy reading first
stories, especially when they turn out to be immediate winners. This is not
an instant winner: it's a partial story about a guy who sees a girl naked.
To turn this into a winner, the author should develop a whole plot and then
proofread the story before posting it.
Ratings for "My first story"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Aphasian Nights" by the Swede. Guest review by BillyG.
This is a cute science-fiction story about teenagers and aliens. It's a
science-fiction-fuck story, not an erotic story, not even a story of seduction
, for that matter. Everyone in the story has round heels with the libido of
a rabbit, so the nuances of developing sexual tension are dispatched quickly.
The protagonist, Martin Prescott, is a 6'4" high-school junior, and the
heroine, Aphaisa, is approximately 7'4"! That's right, about a foot taller.
Ostensibly she's an exchange student from Guatemala, but we quickly learn
that in fact she's an alien from the planet Hornia who's come to abduct our
boy for stud services (what else?) back home. Actually, it's a bit more
complicated than that; for Martin will be used as a tool in the invasion and
domination of Earth by resources-hungry Hornia.
Martin's sister Violet has just passed the rigorous test for induction into
the high school cheerleading squad. The test? Sexual gymnastics with all
the rest of the cheerleaders, of course. We meet the entire squad of them,
all girls and one guy. There are more characters in this story it seems than
the troupe of circus clowns that pour out of a VW.
There's lots of zero-buildup vanilla sex, a fair amount of girl-girl stuff,
and a little touch of brother-sister incest. In fact, at the critical
moment, Violet Prescott must help fuck her brother back to consciousness to
save both worlds. (More often in real life it happens the other way - that
is, somnolence *follows* sex)
It's a long story with generous measures of gratuitous sex. There are too
many names to remember, but that's OK; everyone has a bit part. Still,
there's a penalty; for given the numbers of players from both worlds and the
superficiality of their involvement, there's almost no erotic charge. Unless
you really get off on science fiction invasion stories peopled with giant
women.
Aphasia? It bothered me until I remembered. Aphasia is a medical word taken
from the Greek - _aphatos_ - which means speechless. As near as I can tell,
it's employed in this story without any particular meaning. Hell, everybody
talks!
Ratings for Aphasian Nights:
Technical merit: 9 (A point off for several dumb spelling errors)
Plot & character: 8
Appeal to reviewer: 6 (A teenaged science-fiction buff woulda
ranked it higher.)
"Ireland Adventure" - Original story by Aaron Hall, edited and expanded by
TDS. Guest review by Kim.
When I first received this from Celeste I was mildly alarmed to see Word's
page counter race up to nearly 250. After messing with it for awhile, I got
that down to just under a 100. But that's still a big story by ASS standards.
The story is a sword and sorcery epic. A couple of American tourists, Don and
his wife Judy, are on vacation in Ireland and are staying in a castle, now a
hotel.
While out roaming the grounds of the castle, Don happens across a ghostly
lady hovering in a pond. She persuades him that he must rescue her. Deciding
he didn't really care for this life after all, he follows her into the pond,
and emerges out the other side, to discover that he's gone back in time 350
years.
At this point I was actually enjoying the story. Time travel, shimmering lady
ghosts, castles, a foreign country - all enjoyable elements. I really thought
I was going to like reading this.
Alas, it was not to be. I'm not sure if I can blame the original author, or
the adapter, but what follows is a seemingly endless succession of
pedophiliac encounters. By the time we reached the scene of our 41-year-old
hero raping a 13 year old girl, while she was being held down by her two
teenage sisters, encouraging her with such lines as "Be his whore! Be his
slut!" I was about ready to hand it back to Celeste with a "thanks, but no
thanks". However, I decided to persevere in the hope that the underlying
story might be interesting.
I started skipping the continual underage sex scenes and tried to concentrate
on the story. Unfortunately it's riddled with silly anachronisms. All the
girls wear bras, most of them speak like they come from California, rather
than Dublin, and at one point our hero(?) comes across a moat filled with
alligators. Not a common sight in Ireland, I would think.
Having apparently screwed the entire teen population of Ireland, Don rescues
the Princess, gets knighted, has twenty years knocked off his life by magic,
becomes King, brings his wife back from the future, rapes her till she's
literally mindless, and then gives her to a passing blacksmith. All that
before breakfast.
The finale is a three-way golden-shower contest between Sir Don, the Queen,
and a handmaid, who all try to see how much of each other's piss they can
drink. Oh, and he makes them both pregnant.
Now I was really tempted to award another of my infamous triple zero's, but I
got firmly rapped over the knuckles by Celeste last time, so I won't be doing
that again any time soon.
But I would if I could.
Ratings for "Ireland Adventure " by Aaron Hall & TDS.
Athena (technical quality): 6 (Silly anachronisms, weak dialog)
Venus (plot & character): 7 (A worthy premise, that's been fumbled)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 3 (Pedophilia makes me sick)
"The Tutor" by Ann Douglas (AnnD@Pipeline.Com). Guest review by Kim.
Having only just recovered from my last review, and then having to turn down
another story due to not having seen the source material it was based on, I
hoped I would be third time lucky. Well, Celeste tried her best. An Ann
Douglas story should be good, right? I personally had not read one of Ann's
stories before, but I was aware of her considerable reputation.
So it was with anticipatory pleasure I sat down to read....
The central character is a college boy named Scott who's the archetypal dweeb
we're all so familiar with. Ill-fitting glasses, zits, weedy, uncoordinated
body, and casually acquired straight-A grades. Next cliche to make an
appearance is the snooty set of cheerleaders, who only have eyes for the
jocks. Oh dear... I'm sure I've seen all this before... many times.
What follows is a hastily contrived plot involving one of the selfsame snooty
cheerleaders offering Scott her body in return for help with a history paper.
Oh, and the girl, Candy, happens to be black. I mention this only so I can
quote the line, "Give me that pretty white cock! Fuck my black ass!" that
Candy cries, when they're finally getting down to it. That was after she had
given him a blowjob in the open doorway of his house, of course.
I don't know; maybe it's me, but I felt the whole thing was something that
Ann must have dashed off in a coffee-break and then forgot to proofread, or
better yet rewrite. It just seems painfully sloppy and rushed. The central
characters and plot are so clicheed it's unnerving.
I don't know if I'm being unduly harsh here, because I was expecting so much
more from one of the supposed better authors that post to ASS, but really it
just isn't very good. It lacks any originality, charm, wit, or most
damagingly any erotic arousal. Now I'm not saying a good story has to
necessarily have any of those attributes, but it would have to be pretty
special to get by without them. Sadly this story isn't special. Even the
"surprise" ending - yep, you guessed it, they fall in love - comes across as
unbelievable.
Unfortunately then, a major disappointment to me. I can only imagine Ann was
having a bad day when she wrote this one. I'm sure her other stories must be
better than this.
Hey, on a different note, I like the way some of the other reviewers are
starting to justify their marks with bracketed comments. I thought I was the
only one crass enough to do that. :)
Ratings for "The Tutor"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (Inexplicably suffering from
many typos)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (A plot that was old before I was born)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Distinctly average and failed to
arouse me)
"Nine Ball" by mnelson (mnelson663@aol.com). Guest review by
DG.
I've noticed that the gut appeal of an erotic story is often very different
from my intellectual opinion of it. A well-written and plotted sex story
often leaves me completely unmoved, while a story with noticeable flaws can
leave me with a smile and hard-on. This story was one of the latter. It's
pure formula all the way, but it's a formula that pushes my buttons
shamelessly.
The narrator plays a game of strip nine ball (that's a variation of pool)
with a sexy woman he's had his eye on. He's a better player when their
clothes are on, but as any reader of Delta's classic "Strip Chess" knows,
once the skin starts showing you throw the handicapping out the window.
The writing and dialogue are mediocre and the text is poorly formatted
without enough indents and spaces, but the bottom line is that the story
works. Especially if you like pool and strip games, like I do.
Ratings for "Nine Ball"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
DG (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Android Affair" by Tomcat (Tomcat@cruzio.com). Guest review by
BluePencil.
Science fiction and erotica coexist oddly. Though science fictional themes
are popular, they are generally limited to just a few elements - the Mind
Control Device or its limited sibling the Mind Reading Device; the Body
Growth Stimulator (Why do we never read a story in which the tongue becomes
massively muscled? Why no stories about a hypertrophied heinie? This is
probably the most common science-fictional element on a.s.s - how else can we
account for all the 44DD bosoms and 10" phalluses. Phalli? A pair of obvious
fallacies, at any rate); and, of course, the ever-popular Android Love Slave.
Though it's easy to satirize the poorly-written members of the genre, in many
cases the science-fictional elements work well. Changing just one element in
the World As We Know It aids the suspension of disbelief needed to accept a
story on its own terms. The more of the present world that is discarded, the
harder the author needs to work to fill in the back story. This can be a
daunting task. Not an impossible one - Elf Sternberg manages it nicely - but
a difficult one.
_The Android Affair_ follows the high concept route. Star travel,
cyborg/androids, Noble Savage Aliens (who look just like H. Sapiens), an
arguably sinister ?government? ?corporation? . . . Toto, we aren't in Kansas
anymore.
The problem is, the pieces don't appear to fit together. The grammar and
spelling are reasonable, but this world and the characters don't grow on us;
instead they are presented as indigestible expository lumps. The story might
well have been better presented as several shorter stories set against a
common background - far to many things are brought up and left unexplored.
And the sex, though frequent, seemed as cobbled-on and rote as the rest of
the storyline.
Despite its flaws, this is not a *bad* story - with a bit more focus, and a
helpful editor, this might have been a very good story. Tomcat has most of
the skills he needs now; what he needs now is some practice, self-discipline,
and a good editor.
Ratings for "The Android Affair"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 7
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Betrayed Wife's Revenge" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Kim.
Wow, do you realize I come of age with this review. Who'd have thought I'd
make it to 21 of 'em. Gosh, I remember when I really turned twenty-one. If
someone then had told me that one day I'd be writing reviews of sex stories,
that would be read the world over, I wouldn't have believed them. Well that
was 13* or so years ago and, like they say, things change.
So what can I say about the 21st story? Well, it's a good old-fashioned
femdom story (see, I told you things change). A wife, Janet, finds a pair of
panties (erm, that's one pair, never did understand why we call them a pair
when there's only one, but I digress) tucked down between the seats of their
car.
Concluding that Don, her husband, must be having an affair with his work
colleague Lily, whom he car pools with, she sets out to wreak revenge. Unable
to decide quite what to do, she finally gets her inspiration from an ad for a
forthcoming S&M film on TV. Funny, I never seem to see ads like that when I
watch TV, but no matter.
Later, when all their kids have left for the evening, Janet manages to drug
Don with a spiked whisky and then strips him and cuffs him to a chair. She
then gets dressed in the de rigueur clothes required for a dominatrix and
waits for Don to regain consciousness.
Then, surprisingly enough, they have sex, which consists largely of the
enforced rimming of Janet, by Don naturally, while she fucks herself with a
large nubbly dildo. The climax of the scene has Don swearing fidelity from
now on, as Janet makes him come in his own mouth and orders him to swallow.
And that's about it really. I always enjoy a powerful woman as the central
character, and I don't think Don was too upset by his treatment. I'm afraid
it didn't really do a lot for me hornywise, as it's about a believable as a
Tom and Jerry cartoon, but great fun for all that.
Celeste told me Rajah Dodger stories are always good for a clever twist. Well
I couldn't see one, but perhaps I'm missing something. Ah well. Other than
that, I've no complaints.
* I put that in for Uther's benefit. He's been wanting to know how old I am
for awhile, but is too much of a gentleman to ask directly. Hope that hasn't
dispelled too many notions of a precocious 16-year-old any of you might have
had. I just suffer the indignity of a childish sense of humor, is all.
Ratings for "Betrayed Wife's Revenge"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5 (Nothing really I can put my
finger on)
Venus (plot & character): 7 (lacking in credibility)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 8 (Not at all bad, just didn't do much
for me)
"Xena: Plans" by Anonymous (posted for a friend by trustno1@globalserve.net).
Guest review by Piper
In this story, Xena and Gabrielle are not just a pair of friends wandering
around together, they are an established couple. And, like many couples,
they want kids. Only, there's this slight biological problem, a problem that
many couples have faced through the centuries. This particular "one and
one", added together, can't become three. That's where their plan thing
comes in. They need help. Since Gabrielle is to be the bio mommy, Xena has
decided that the daddy should be somewhat like herself so that the child will
carry some of her attributes as well.
"Plan A" - find a good-looking, healthy, big, strong, dark-haired guy with
attitude. Where, you ask, can they find such a man? One who is willing to
donate something of himself to solve the women's problem? In a bar, of
course. Xena lines up the men, looks them over, and picks out the candidate
she likes the most. Only, this time, there's this other slight problem.
Xena is a little jealous, or over-protective, or something. A dozen failed
attempts later, Gabrielle comes up with "Plan B".
I liked this story, despite the fact that Xena doesn't beat up any bad guys.
It brings out some of the flavor of the show and the show's main characters.
There are some guest stars. There are some decently well written sex scenes
between eager participants. There's some voyeurism. There are even a number
of cases of coitus impossibilus. (Hey, would you do any better with a large,
rather upset-looking Warrior Princess holding an unsheathed sword and
breathing down your proverbial neck from a few feet away?)
Like many stories involving famous people, this one depends on the reader
already having an idea of who the protagonists are and what they are like.
This one might be less guilty than some others, but it still falls into the
same trap. Characterization suffers because the author targets only a
specific audience. In this case, the flaw could have been avoided fairly
easily, and in fact, the author does include a modicum of physical and
personal description. There's just not enough in the story, by itself, to
bring the characters to life.
Technically, I could find few flaws. I didn't find any typos or misused
words at all (maybe my eyes are going bad ;-)). The story could have been
better formatted, however. Breaks between segments would help cut down on
the confusion factor. Language usage isn't brilliant, but it is good enough.
There is one part of the story that confused me. In it, the timeline seems
to jump forward, then backward, then forward again, with few clues given to
help sort out what's happening.
So, does "Plan B" work? And who does it involve? I'm not telling!
This is an imaginative and fairly well-written story.
Ratings for "Xena: Plans"
Technical merit 9.5
Plot & character 8
Appeal to reviewer 9
"The Bus Story" by El Sol (munster@eden.rutgers.edu). Guest review by Sven
the Elder.
First of all an apology to El Sol - Celeste sent me this request for review
almost three weeks ago. Unfortunately I had just gone abroad to work for
three weeks, hence the delay - this has actually let me review El Sol's'
revised version as posted to a.s.s.m in week 41 (great service Eli - keep
going - please!) (plug for one of the best services the net has at present,
over. Personally I no longer can spare the time to wade through the dross on
a.s.s. Sad but true, and I know I may miss some good stories.)
To the Story - which concerns a long-distance bus journey shared by two
freshmen who it turns out know each other, but only "just" - as it were. It's
a journey of discovery for both. It twists and turns, delightfully at times.
It has a gentle pace and a climax, in both uses of the word, followed by a
neat twist at the end. One of the devices in an Ann Douglas story that used
to please me greatly, was the neat little twists and turns, usually with a
clever one in the ending. Sometimes you could see them coming, sometimes not
- Ann was a master. El Sol has a good one as well. That our hero will get
himself seduced becomes a possibility. Given the surroundings, the Bus, that
he does is surprising, the twist at the end a good one.
I liked this story, the characters were a little contrived but in a way that
you couldn't take offense at. The story was thought out well and the
construction a good one - my other hobby horse, a beginning, a middle and an
end, that left you wanting just a little more, were all there. The sex, was
sexy in an almost romantic, idealistic way, but still contrived to be hot and
dirty, the way good sex sometimes ought to be. A good story, I enjoyed it
greatly. After a wearing three week trip a nice one to come back to - Thanks
El Sol - thanks for asking me again Celeste. I promise if asked again to be
less tardy. She made me write it out 50 times!
Ratings for "The Bus Story"
Technical quality: 10
Plot & character: 10
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 10
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