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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 225 - Oct 15
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Celestial Reviews 225 - October 15, 1997
Note: A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a
leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was
quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon
the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was
my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is
going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up
where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief, "What? On my own time??"
Second Note: I got this from rec.humor.funny:
As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be
to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it
(having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped from using
a mouse all day). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself
relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.
Second Note: More Cumshots:
Does an adulteress who orgasms with several lovers at once cumpound her sin?
Are couples who can only climax in the missionary position on cummission?
Do women who climax during group sex orgasm by cummittee?
Have those unfortunates who can't orgasm at all lost their cumpass?
Are anal orgasms our enduring legacy from Sodom and Cummorah?
Are newlyweds honeymooning in Mexico hoping to reach Cumcun? (we know
already that their favorite breakfast is a roll in bed with honey...)
Are those rarest of all gems, women who love to swallow, cumpassionate?
Do women who were left hanging there by premature ejaculators cummiserate
with each other?
Do women who buy that old chestnut that "sperm is good for your skin" really
improve their cumplexion?
Is a woman reaching an orgasm while getting great head from Noam Chomsky
supposed to yell "Cumming, linguist!!!"
Third Note: Halloween is cumming! I'll post a special issue of
Halloween-related stories. If you have stories you want me to review in that
issue, send them to me or post them on a.s.s.m. as soon as possible.
Fourth note: When one of "our" authors makes good, I like to publicize that
fact . Mary Anne Mohanraj has published "Torn Shapes of Desire," a 128-page
book containing many of the stories I have reviewed so favorably plus a few
other items, with Intangible Assets Manufacturing. I understand that
information is available at http://www.iam.com/tsd.html. Good luck, Mary
Anne!
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Table for Two" by Solstice (hypnosis) 10, 8, 8
"1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (oral sex)
9.5, 10, 10
"Conjugation" by Uther Pendragon (sexy word association)
10, 10, 10
"Eruption" by Lord Malinov (sex and music) 10, 10, 10
"Falling Into Grace" by Caintigern O'Niall (hot ff romance)
10, 10, 10
"SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (spam contest) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Soul of Dawn" by H. D. Meister (romance) 9, 10, 10
"Jean's Secret" by Robert Steele (teen & older neighbor)
7, 8, 8
"Happily Ever After" by losgud (sexy in-law) 8, 8, 9
"The Nature Girl" by Joseph Jasper (sex in the park)
"The Meeting" by Hardrock (cybersex becomes real sex)
6, 7, 6
"Xena: Another Shower of Gold" by Blackbelt (deity sex)
8, 9, 8.5
"Back to the Fold" by H.D. Meister (rebound romance)
"Batgirl - Blow-up Doll" by MD James (superhero sex)
9.5, 8, 5
"The Fetish Series" by Hawk Richards (porn parody) 10, 10, 6
"Table for Two" by Solstice (solstice@frontiernet.net). It's going to be
difficult to write a review that's shorter than this story. It's definitely
going to take me longer to write this review than it did to read the story.
It's about a woman talking to a waiter about a man who is hypnotizing and
then fondling another woman in a restaurant in which the woman who is
watching the man hypnotize the woman is eating and the waiter who is talking
to the woman who is watching the man hypnotize the woman is waiting.
In case that was confusing, we can try this:
It's about a woman
talking to a waiter
about a man
who is hypnotizing
and then fondling
another woman
in a restaurant
in which the woman
who is watching the man hypnotize the woman
is eating
and the waiter
who is talking to the woman
who is watching the man hypnotize the woman
is waiting.
The story uses shorter sentences.
Ratings for "Table for Two"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (daphne@nym.alias.net). This is
another submission to Malinov's spam contest.
They don't have spam or blowjobs in China - at least "Shuming Zhao was naive
about these things when she came to college in the United States to study
computer science. The sexual descriptions are a combination of the extremely
explicit and the completely impersonal. People don't really have sex this
way - at least not very often - not even those ubiquitous Asian teenagers who
come to the United States to learn about computers and sex.
Ratings for "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Conjugation" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.nyx.net). The conjugation of
a verb lists its forms by person, number, and tense. For example,
I am, you are, he/she/it is, etc.
The derivation of the word "conjugation" comes from the Latin for "to join
together," and the term is used with this meaning in various areas of
science.
Strictly speaking, this story (or poem, if you wish) is not a conjugation.
Instead, the author takes several different verbs and combines them with he,
she, and they to describe the sort of things a man and a woman might do while
they are in the process of joining together.
One of the interesting things about this story is that the phrases can be
read as either couplets or triplets, resulting in slightly different
impressions. Try it: it's fun. Or record it, and play it back at
interesting times. Or record it in French....
This piece is really quite delightful at what it does. It's just not
designed to tell a traditional story.
Ratings for "Conjugation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Eruption" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). This is one of those rare
stories that contain the word "azure."
This is not really a sexually explicit story; I think it could be published
in a mass-circulation magazine. It's essentially about a man and a woman
conversing about the music the man is writing to go along with a friend's
lyrics. The friend is the woman's lover, and although the man is hot for the
woman, all the sex in the story is merely innuendo about what she and the
lyrics writer do together in his mad passion. Nevertheless, this is a very
good story.
Ratings for "Eruption"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Falling Into Grace" by Caintigern O'Niall (Caintigern@deathsdoor). Grace
goes to a festival with her boyfriend, who is a bit of a possessive jerk.
During a lull in the action, her eye falls upon Phylicia, and the result is
mutual love at first sight. Grace lacks experience with same-gender sex, but
she learns quickly from the more adept Phylicia.
The story is very well written. The non-sex dialogue and descriptions add to
the atmosphere, but they are not overdone. And the sex is just plain hot.
Ratings for "Falling Into Grace"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (Taria@aol.com). The job of the protagonist in this
story is to promote spam; but the catch is that he works for Mr. Hormel
himself. For those of you who don't know, Spam is the "meat" product that
gave its name to the unwanted garbage that clutters your email boxes and
newsgroups - not vice versa. Anyway, it seems that Mr. Hormel can't
understand why he has been so vehemently rejected on the Internet.
The story contains no sex - except by very indirect innuendo; but it's still
a very legitimate and creative entry for Malinov's contest. I certainly
enjoyed it!
Ratings for "SPAM CONTEST"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Soul of Dawn" by H. D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review by
BluePencil.
Dawn is leaving college, and wants to see her two closest male friends one
last time.
If Mike Hunt were writing this, they would have one last humor-laced orgy. If
this were one of Mark Aster's "My Friends the Allens" series, they would have
a hedonistic session of lovemaking, distinguishable from an orgy only by its
tenderness. If The Bear were writing, they'd have sex, probably while drunk,
but would feel a little guilty about it later.
In spirit, Meister's handling of the story is closest to Aster's. But Dawn,
beautiful as she is, is also a virgin. And her friends are the ones who got
her through a shattering rape attempt.
This is a solidly character-driven story. Though the sex is well-written,
and integral to the story, it is only a piece of a larger mosaic. Though
there were a few minor flaws in the writing - at times, the grammar felt
forced, and the language melodramatic - it is well-written, interesting, and
appealing. Recommended.
Ratings for "Soul of Dawn"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot and character): 10
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Jean's Secret" by Robert Steele. Guest review by Madcap.
The toughest writing is a short story. Every word must count and every
sentence must imply the contents of a paragraph in a longer format. In
"Jean's Secret" the author almost carries it off, but the story needed a
little more polish. The plot: A computer aware teenager lives next door to a
pretty young widow . . . need I say more? I liked the story and found the
premise almost believable if somewhat underdeveloped. This was a story that
begged for a few more paragraphs to set up the action. When it comes to
endings this author is able to turn left and leave the reader traveling in a
straight line. Great ending: the trip from beginning to end wasn't bad, and
the ending is worth the effort.
Ratings for "Jean's Secret"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Madcap (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Happily Ever After" by losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Guest review by Mark
Aster.
Normal male, sexy sister-in-law staying over until she can find an apartment
of her own, a strapless halter blouse, soft meltingbreasts, sighs, moans...
The wife walks in on them at a crucial juncture (there's a pun hiding
there), and stuff happens. The author says "I misplaced the pretense of plot
and character development with this one", and that's mostly true; this is
mostly straight and joyous fucking, with not much in the way of tension or
teasing. The plot could have been milked for a slower and more reluctant and
sexier buildup, but hey there's nothing wrong with straightforward coupling
now and then, especially when everyone's having such a good time.
There are some stylistic roughnesses here, although I have a hard time
describing them helpfully. The author is literate, more literate than the
average a.s.s.* poster, but something... Here's a passage:
>The way my dancing tongue made the whole area quiver made
>me want to keep on doing just that. But eventually I stopped.
>I stopped to do you know what. I pulled down her panties with
>the long slow touch, the public unveiling of the modern savior.
It's not BAD. I don't think. Maybe it's just idiosyncratic. Maybe I'd come
to love it by the end of the eighth or tenth story. But it was distracting
the first time through this one somehow. There's no obvious antecedent for
"just that", maybe? The "you know what" is sort of odd because we don't know
exactly what? "public unveiling of the modern savior" just barely fails to
make sense to me?
But anyway! This is getting to be more of an analysis than a review, and
this is the wrong venue for that. This is a story worth reading, short and
sweet, considerable hot and sticky sex, nice breasts, nipples, lips, orgasms,
and even just a hint of plot...
I'll try to actually do numbers this time:
Athena: 8 (two points for the oddities of diction)
Venus: 8 (well, there ISN'T much plot and character)
Mark: 9 (a pretty yummy story; it's hard to get a 10 out of me,
even when I'm trying to use the numbers about like Celeste does!)
"The Nature Girl" by Joseph Jasper (joe@nmpnet.enet). Guest review by Wild
Ron.
A straightforward tale of a couple, Vickie and Steve, who are well suited
sexually, as they enjoy each other's company in a local park. This tale could
use some editing to smooth out the linguistic 'bumps in the road'. For
example, when Vicky is described as having a great figure ".. easily filling
the right spots in any lingerie..", I have to wonder just how big is she?
It's a quick read, five minutes or so, and my 'Laptop Indicator' says that
there is no time to develop any pressure. A piece of fluff that can
contribute to a good time as an appetizer, but no main course here.
"The Meeting" by Hardrock (hardrock@visi.net). Guest Review by Piper.
Before starting to read the story itself, I knew that this was Hardrock's
first story, one he wrote for his girlfriend. She liked it so much, she
convinced him to post it. According to him, it is based on fact. That makes
this a "true" story. A first-attempt-at-writing true story. Uh oh.
Now that I've read the story, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.
He and she are ISP chatroom friends, then telephone lovers. With her living
in NE Canada, and him stationed somewhere in the SW USA, they don't get many
opportunities for face to face meetings. In fact, this story is about their
first get-together.
They both know what they want, but are nervous about what will happen. We
know what's going to happen, since he tells us up front. She's beautiful, of
course. He's tall and skinny, but has a slightly longer and thicker than
average cock. She's got the biggest clit he's ever seen on a live woman.
They meet in the airport. They're both sans undies. He finger fucks her while
they're waiting for her luggage to show up. Right there in the airport. In
the open. Bodes well for what's coming, doesn't it? They drive to the hotel
where he's rented a room. The inevitable happens.
As usual in these true stories written for that someone special, it's hotter
for the two participants than for us uninvolved readers. Not to say that this
couldn't be a hot story. If the writer stuck to a single tense, rather than
changing from past to present and back again every few paragraphs, it would
certainly help. A little more imagination in describing the sex acts would
help too. The author and his girlfriend have been through the reality. His
words help them relive fond memories, memories we don't share, so we depend
on the words to turn us on and get us off. When the words are insufficient,
the story is flat. This story is on the borderline. It could be good. There
is potential. But that potential isn't quite realized. Despite everything,
there's enough hot sex to make this worth a look.
Ratings for "The Meeting"
Technical merit 6
Plot & character 7
Appeal to reviewer 6
"Xena: Another Shower of Gold" by Blackbelt (rose.170@osu.edu) Guest review
by Piper
(Deity sex)
(I'm down to number three now. After the last one, I was a little dubious
about continuing. I'm glad I did.)
Buried in Greek mythology are all the varied forms that Zeus (the head god)
transformed himself into in order to take fair maidens unawares. You know -
a bull, a swan, and others. Actually, if I were a maiden, I don't think I'd
fall for the amorous attentions of one of those creatures. Not my idea of a
nice cuddle. But, anyway, in the old stories, it happens all the time.
So Xena and Gabrielle are on the trail, and while traveling, Gabby tells her
friend all about these legends. The two women stop for the night by a
beautiful, grass-banked lake, and Gabrielle goes for a swim. When she gets
out, she lays down for a few minutes, air drying. Well, guess who comes
calling. This time, he arrives in the form of a yellowish flow of water. Uh
huh. A shower of gold. Read the story if you want -those- details.
Now, if you know your mythology, you know that Zeus is married. Hera (his
wife, a powerful goddess) is a tad jealous of his infidelities. She promises
revenge. A permanent kind of revenge. I can't say any more without ruining
the ending, so I won't.
Is this a good story? Compared to the last two, it's brilliant. In reality,
it is pretty good. There's a real storyline. There's some real imagination.
There's real sentences. There's a pretty girl enjoying her first time, even
if her partner doesn't have any lips to kiss.
Again, like so many other stories, this one is marred by occasional typos and
mistakes. "Futile to resist,", as the start of a sentence, makes no sense
whatsoever, not even in context. Despite this and other malapropos words,
the story flows fairly well. This is a tale worth reading, if only for the
unique method of coupling described.
Ratings for "Another Shower of Gold"
Technical merit 8
Plot & character 9
Appeal to reviewer 8.5
"Back to the Fold" by H.D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Mat Twassel.
Right at the beginning of H.D. Meister's story, "Back to the Fold," we learn
that the main character, Kelly, "had come to the conclusion that all that men
wanted was sex. While she enjoyed sex, she had long ago decided that a
relationship based solely on the physical was not going to work, no matter
how hard either party wanted it."
{Interruptory humor from Celeste: A woman was unloading her grocery cart in
the parking lot, when a man got out of the car in the space next to hers.
Hoping to save the trip of pushing her cart to the cart carrel, she said to
him, "Here! Would you like my cart?" "No, thanks," the man replied. "I only
want one thing." "Men!" she humphed; "They always want just one thing!"}
But Kelly's college roommate is going to have a guest for the evening, so
Kelly accepts her friend Del's offer of a good home-cooked meal and a place
to spend the night. Sure enough, it turns out that Del is Lust, but a very
knowing and caring Lust. He spends about a third of this longish story (12
single-spaced pages) seducing Kelly, and then the final two thirds sucking
and fucking the Dickens out of her. It takes Kelly about eight of these
single spaced pages to come, and then she keeps coming for two or three more
pages. Pretty intense stuff. The writing is regrettably amateurish, the
syntax clumsy, passages of over-writing abound; yet if you stick with the
story you might find some pleasure in sharing Kelly's experience, some power
in Meister's narrative.
Here's my favorite part of "Back to the Fold":
It was when he began alternating holes that Kelly
found herself gazing up at her orgasm. It was much
taller than any other time, and it bled power, Lust
and passion. The thing before her was not the
little child she had nursed, either alone or with
another; this was nothing short of a monster. A
monster which wanted her. And its voice was that
of the fireplace, mixed with Del's and the collective
voices of the storm.
=====
"Batgirl - Blow-up Doll" by MD James (d2beast@aol.com.). Guest review by
Anne747.
I can never decide if I like fan fiction or not. Some people feel that the
authors are being lazy by not creating their own characters. I don't
necessarily subscribe to this opinion; but since I haven't watched Batman
since I was a kid, it just doesn't have a sexual punch for me. Oh, I've seen
some of the newer movies, but I still can't help but think of those campy
shows I used to watch with the little cartoon 'bam' 'pow' overlays. However,
I do understand a fan of a show wanting to take that sexual attraction
between characters further.
The story just kind of fell flat for me. Barbara Gordon, a.k.a. Batgirl,
attends a carnival and is given a magic amulet by Madame Vie. I'm
simplifying the plot, but basically when Batgirl next sees Batman she is
thrown into an orgasmic state, and her breasts begin to grow. There is more
plot than this, but this is the main plot. Of course, to solve her dilemma,
Batman must fuck Batgirl (didn't we see this coming). Batgirl ends up with
larger breasts after her problems, and we all know that big breasts are the
secret to happiness, right?
Okay, I'm being sarcastic. It just seems too happy at the end. I mean two
of the couples involved live happily ever after. Probably the best part of
the old campy series was the cliff-hangers at the end. Okay, we all knew
that Batman wasn't going to get sliced in two by the saw, but there was a
little tension is waiting for the 'Same bat time, same bat channel' to find
out what happened. This story could use a little more tension. The writer
is good enough to lose the growing breasts bit, and write a decent story with
a better plot.
Ratings for "Batgirl - Blow-up Doll"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8 (for the effort, but falls flat)
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 5 (didn't hate it, didn't love it,
kind of neutral)
"The Fetish Series" by Hawk Richards (HawkRds@aol.com). Guest review by
Anne747.
I can just feel myself getting into trouble with this review. The author and
I have exchanged mail at one time, so am I impartial? I'd like to think so,
since I've told friends before that I liked/disliked something they had
written. I'm just not good at saying something is good, if I don't think it
is.
Now, hang on, I'm not saying I don't think this is good. The story is a
parody. You may ask how I know this? Well the writer tells us this before
the story starts. I'm not sure if the reader shouldn't be a little insulted
that the author thinks we couldn't figure it out on our own. However, having
said that, I suppose there are some people who would read this and think it's
meant to be sexy.
It's amusing, probably not all that far from some of the conversations held
by low budget porn producers. The sex is incidental to the story line
really. Oops, I forgot the story line. Two hungover porn guys decide they
need a hook. After some rather inane conversation they decide on an
'Ultimate Fetish' series. They wake up their female star and one of the men
fucks her (which as far as I can see has nothing to do with any fetish).
I guess the thing is that I tend to read erotica for arousal. Oh, I enjoy a
good story, but if it doesn't pass the wet panty test, well, I might as well
go read the paper. I have a feeling that the sex was meant to be portrayed
as uninteresting on purpose, and I understand why Hawk felt that is worked.
He's likely going to hate the personal opinion number, but I didn't really
laugh, and I didn't even consider touching myself. I wavered on the
plot/character number, since I think the characters are meant to be
one-dimensional on purpose to support the idea of a parody.
Ratings for "The Fetish Series"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 6
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