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Subject: Q-tie Pie 1/? (st:tng; tg)
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Please accept my latest effort for posting.

This is a parody of the character of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION.
All rights to this characters belong to Paramount Studios.  This
parody is not meant in any way, shape, or form meant to be an
infringement upon those rights.  This story is meant to be a
replacement of sorts for a MIB (MEN IN BLACK) parody which I was
writing a posting in the moderated story news group.  That story has
been picked up by Sapphire's Channel, and I encourage you to subscribe
to that fine service, and follow that story.  Please E-Mail me
regarding this story, and whether I should continue it, writing
additional parts, or just "bag it!"  I look forward to your comments.



								  Q-tie
Pie

     It was near the end of "A" shift.  Captain Jean Luc Picard of the
Starship Enterprise was just in his "ready room" going over a few
changes in the duty roster.  He reflected on how bored he was with
their current assignment: charting gaseous anomolies near the border
of Breen space and Federation space.  The Breen were an extremely
war-like species, that operated organic, living spaceships.  Their
close proximity had prompted Star Fleet Command to assign a
Galaxy-Class starship, such as the Enterprise, to complete the
mission, rather than a science vessel.  The mission was vital, because
it was discovered that the organic ships of the Breen could hide in
gaseous anomolies and be completely undetectable by conventional
sensors and probes.  The drift of a gaseous anomolie by solar winds,
could bring it within range of populated Federation planets.  Star
Fleet Intelligence had worked out that scenario as one of the ways the
Breen could launch an offensive against the Federation.  Current
projections had the chance of success of such a scenario at 95%.
Admiral Thomas wanted all anomolies charted as a precaution against an
attack.  Therefore, he decided to dispatch the flagship of the
fleet......the Enterprise.

     Such an honor and prestige did little to help with the feeling of
boredom and restlessness gripping the crew.  They had been at this for
nearly two months.  Even his senior staff, Riker, Data, Crusher, Troi,
and La Forge were becoming edgy and irritable.  Charting gaseuos
anamolies was long tedious work, and only interesting to a few select
scientists.  That work, coupled with a 24-hour yellow alert, due to
the proximity of the Breen, meant long hours for everyone.  Still they
had not even gotten a sensor scan of a Breen ship since they had
gotten here.  Captain Picard almost wished for some action, maybe even
the Borg, to break the monotony.

     Captain Picard should have known, "Be careful what you wish
for..........."

     There was a bright flash of light from the corner of the his
ready room.  Captain Picard quickly glanced in that direction, and
instantly saw a familiar figure standing there. Q.

     He hailed Captain Picard with his usual, sarcastic greeting,
"........mon Capitan?"

     It had been quite some time since Picard had seen Q.  Abscence
had not made the heart grow fonder.  Whenever Q was around, trouble
was sure to follow.

     Picard answered.  "What do you want now Q?  As you can see, I'm
very busy.  I don't have time for your usual games!"  He tried to
sound stern.

     "You wound me my friend.  Can't an old pal  pop' in to say
hello' to another old pal?   Besides, it looks like you could use some
excitement around here.  This place is like a morgue!!"  Q replied.

     "We are on a very important mission, one that requires my full
attention.  I don't have time for your  excitement' or this banter."

     There was a flash of light. Q dematerialized, only to
rematerialze a split second later in the chair in front of Picard's
desk.  Picard hated it when Q did that.  It probably explained why Q
did it.  He responded to Picard's last statement.  "Please Jean-Luc,
this is Q you are talking to now.  Do you really expect me to believe
that?  We have been through to much for that.  You need me to liven
things up around here."

     Picard grew angry now.  "No I do not.  It is very dangerous out
here with the Breen.  This requires my full attention.  Now if you'll
just go."

     Q laughed.  "Go?  Go?  You must be jesting Jean-Luc.  I don't
intend to go until I bring you out of your funk.  Your just not your
old  jolly' self.  Besides this mission is hardly a measure of your
command skills.  You could just mail this one in.  Even a Yeoman could
command this mission!"

     Now it was Picard's turn to laugh, albeit contemptously.  "What
would you know about command.  You can't even command your own
exitence, such as it is.  I am contantly pulling you out of scrapes,
and saving you from yourself.  Q, you couldn't command this mission!"

     "That really hurts Captain.   You know that I could, and probably
better than you.  The skills of a Q are superior in all repects to
that of an ordinary human.  That includes command skills.   Commanding
this mission would be child's play."  Q threw back at Picard with just
the slightest bit of venom.

     Sensing an advantage, Picard pressed, "Q you could not even last
1 star date in command before you fell apart.  You would be begging
for advice."

     There was another flash of light.  Now Q was dressed in a Star
Fleet uniform with a Captain's pips on the collar.  "Very interesting,
Jean-Luc.  This sounds like the beginning of a firm wager.  I'll take
that bet, and wager that I can command this mission without any
incident."

     Picard smiled.  "Now why would I want to turn command of this
ship over to you Q?"

     "Because Captain, I promise that if I cannot command this
mission, than I will never set foot on your ship again, nor will I
ever bother you or any of your crew."

     "What good is your promise?"

     Q sounded indignant.  "Captain, you know from dealing with the
Continuim in the past that, we may be many things, but we are not
liars.  We Q do keep our word."

     Picard thought about it.  This was interesting...a way to get rid
of Q for good.  He glanced at the status reports.  There was nothing
out there, nor was there likely to be anything out there.  The risk
was minimum.  Picard knew Q.  There would be some small problem that
would confound him, that he wouldn't be able to command his way out
of.  He had to stack the bet a little more to insure success.  "If I
take this bet Q, the rules would be quite simple.  No use of your Q
powers whatsoever.   You have to rely on your command skills alone.
If you use your Q powers in any way, shape, or form, you lose the bet.
You can never step foot on my vessel again, nor bother me or my crew
ever again.   Those are the rules, is that acceptable?"

     "It is Jean-Luc.  Its a bet then.  When do we start?"

     "As soon as you walk through those  ready room' doors you can no
longers use your powers"

     "I agree Captain.  Now how will you turn over command to me?"

     Picard smirked now.  "It doesn't matter.  You can choose the
method.  Your own arrogance has already beaten you.  The crew will
never follow you, no matter how I turn over command.  I could even
order them to obey you, and they wouldn't.  They have no respect for
you."

     "Perhaps you are right, Jean-Luc.  However, it is you who have
been undone by arrogance.   You stated that no powers can be used once
I step outside the door.  Well we have not yet stepped outside that
door.  I will correct the situation so that I will automatically
command their respect."  

     There was a flash of light that always accompanies Q's use of his
powers.  In another split second there was an exact duplicate of
Picard standing right in front of Picard's eyes.  It was eerie, like
looking into a mirror.  Except, this reflection moved independently of
Picard.  It had on Picard's uniform, and moved with his mannerisms and
gestures.  "Q?"  Picard asked, tenatively.

     "Of course it is me mon Capitan!!  Who else would it be??"  Q
spoke in a perfect imitation of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, down to the
tone, accent, and inflection of words.

     This was amusing to Picard.  "That will hardly work.  Others will
be able to tell the difference, especially Troi.  How do you propose
to fool her?"

     "Captain....you think of everything.  Thank-you."  Q/picard
strode over to the real Picard, touching his forehead. Picard felt
faint for a moment.  Then Q/picard said, "there...that's taken care
of."

     "What did you do Q?"  Picard roared.

     "Nothing Jean-Luc.  I just duplicated your memories.  That way I
will be able to be you.  If Troi scans me she will detect only
Jean-Luc Picard, not Q.  Of course, she has never been able to scan me
before."

     "That is not fair.  You now have access to my command skills,
memories of other tactical situations."

     "No Captain.  Fair is fair.  I did not take those.  I will be
relying upon my own judgment, not yours."

     "Q, you have another problem.  You can't exactly hide me.  I have
to observe.  There can't be two Picards, because that would confuse
the crew."

     "Way ahead of you Jean-Luc.  I've thought of everything, and this
will be the second part of the bet; your penalty if you should lose!"
Q gestured with his hand.

     Picard saw a flash of light all around him, surrounding him.
When it faded he suddenly was bombarded by the strangest sensations.
Instantly, he saw that he was about a foot shorter than he was before.
He couldn't look Q/picard eye-to-eye anymore.  He felt bloated, and
fat.  Very fat!!  A great weight hung on his chest, while another
weight pulled at his scalp.  Something kicked up in his stomach like
indigestion.

     "What did you...........?" Picard began to say, but stopped in
mid-sentence.  His voice sounded odd ih his ears.  It was high, and
soft....almost musical.  There was an Irish accent to his voice now.

     Picard lifted his hands before his eyes, and understood that Q
had transformed him into someone else.  A woman.  His hands were small
and fine, with long exquisitely laquered nails.  He touched his face
with those hands feeling soft smooth skin.  When he reached up to his
face, Picard's arms were obstructed by large soft growths on his
chest.  Breasts, and extremely large ones too.  A closer inspection
revealed that, not only was he now a woman, he was a preganant woman.
In fact he was a very pregnant woman.

     Q/picard chuckled.  "I don't think anyone will be recognizing you
now, not even Troi.  I've erected a mind shield blocking your thoughts
and emotions from all empaths and telepaths."

     "But why this??"  Questioned Picard.

     "I have a lot at risk, so should you.  If you reveal who you are
to anyone, you stay like this forever, although you'll be a mother
soon.  Now then, if I should win our bet, then you must agree to stay
as you are now, and be my wife, and everything that goes along with
being my wife.  Is that agreeable?"

     Picard felt his huge pregnant stomach.  He didn't like this
situation at all. However, he was confident that Q could not command
with out his powers. He would be rid of him forever.  Surely he could
bear this for the few days it would take Q to give up.  His confidence
restored, Picard said, "agreed."

     Q/picard said, "Your name now is Meaghan O'Reilly, archelogist.
You met  Picard' eight months ago on a dig on Antares IV.  You fell in
love with  him' and obviously made love to  him.'  You are now eight
months pregnant with  his' twins.  You came to the Enterprise at his
invitation to accept his proposal of marriage.  I will introduce you
as my fiancee.  Do you understand?"

     Picard/meaghan answered back, "yes, I understand.  Let's just get
this over with."

     "Patience Darling!!" Q/picard said in mocking sweetness.  "By the
way.  There is a complete record of Meaghan O'Reilly.  Whatever story
you make up about her, the record will automatiacally adjust to verify
the story.  So...be creative.  The twins in your placenta are a
combination of your and my DNA.  I always wanted children."

     Q/picard took Picard/meaghan by the hand and led  her' out
through the automatic doors of the  ready room' onto the bridge.
Riker, Data, and Troi were there.  They looked at their Captain and a
very pretty, very pregnant woman. 

     Q/picard said, in Picard's best voice, "crew of the Enterprise, I
would like you to meet my fiancee, Miss Meaghan O'Reilly.

     The crew of the Enterprise were agape in total suprise.

     TO BE CONTINUED...........................?????????

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