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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 218 - Sept 20 (Part 1)
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Celestial Reviews 218 - September 20, 1997 {Part 1}
Note: There have been a lot of stories reposted this past week. Some of you
are elated to find so many stories; others are upset, because this is "almost
like spam" or because the reposters are showing a lack of respect for the
authors (e.g., by omitting the author's name). Certainly a major problem is
that it is very difficult to determine what a story is about from the scant
information given in the title lines of the postings. For this reason I am
reposting as many of the reviews as I can.
Second Note: I coordinate a free proofreading service. If authors want
someone to proofread their stories before posting them, the authors can
contact me, and I'll try to match them up with proofreaders. Right now, my
list of proofreaders is very old. The last two proofreaders I tried to
contact don't even "live" at those email addresses anymore.
If you are interested in proofreading stories for aspiring or established
authors, please contact me. Even if you have given me your name in the past,
please contact me again, if I have not sent you a story in a long time.
Almost everyone who has participated in the volunteer proofreading project
has enjoyed the experience.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Afrodite" by Unknown Author (hedonistic passion)
10, 10, 10
"Alice Who Went Through the Looking Glass and Came
Back Very Much Changed" by POC (fairy tale sex)
8, 10, 10
"One Day at a Time" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
"Conversations" by Frank (pedophile incest) 10, 10, 3
"Gilligan's Island" by X Story Teller (sitcom parody) 9, 7, 5
Guest Reviews:
"Sweet little Anne" by Anne (exhibitionism) 7, 8, 9
"Sue and Baton Rouge" by Tony (wife watching) 9, 9, 10
"My Sister Jean" by BillyG (emerging adolescence) 9, 10, 10
"My Weekend with Lisa" by LM l (romance) 8, 7, 6
"Hot Pizza" by Solo Polyphony (gang bang)
"Under Their Thumbs" by Tooshoes (superhero sex)
10, 10, 9
"The Island" by MissLilyO (romance & bondage) 10, 8, 9
"Fun With June" by Bigtunaman (oral sex) 8, 7, 8
"One Birth, Two Breakups and a Crash" by Kim ( ff S&M)
mind games) 10, 10, 9
"Bar None" by DATS HER&HIM (gang rape) 8.5, 5. 0
"The Birthday Present" by Unknown Author (kiddy sex)
8, 8, 5
Reposted Reviews:
* "Blush" by RC (hypnosis) 10, 9, 9
* "The Birthday Gift" by Wollstonecraft (adolescent seduction
of adult) 9.5, 9.5, 10
* "Bean City" by Mark Bastable (bdsm) 10, 10, 10
* "Bertram I" by I'm not sure (sexual humor) 10, 10, 10
* "Bertram II" by I'm not sure (sexual humor) 10, 10, 10
* "All We Like Sheep" by MC Woodsmoke (mind control)
10, 10, 10
* "The Anatomy Lesson" by Michael Dagley (emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
* "Black Cat" by Mark Aster (sex on drugs) 10, 9, 9
* "Buckets of Cum" by Mark Aster (private orgy) 10, 10, 10
* "The Brady Bunch" by Uncle Mike (sitcom orgy) 10, 9, 9
* "Brenda - A Love Story" by Tom Bombadil (emerging
adolescence & romance)
* "Cinnamon" by Patrick Donovan (romance & hot sex)
10, 10, 10
* "Bartenders Have All the Fun" by The Grey Ghost (orgy)
6, 8, 7
* "Brown Nosing" by Phil Phantom (fun-loving incest and
child molestation) 9.5, 9.5, 10
* "The Chambermaid" by Delta (Sex on the rebound)
10, 10, 10
* "My Sister Jean - Ch 1" by BillyG (growing up)
9, 10, 10
* "My Sister Jean - Ch 8" by BillyG (flirting & innuendo)
9, 10, 9
* "Above & Beyond Call of Duty" by J. Boswell (stripper sex)
10, 8, 8
* "Curiosity" by Javahead (strip club & lap dancing) 10, 9, 9
"Composition in Cream and Chocolate" by Mary Anne
Mohanraj (sexy striptease) 10, 10, 10
* "Chantal" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (rape) 10, 10, 10
"Afrodite" by Unknown Author (Reposted by who@why.not). After reviewing over
2000 stories posted on this newsgroup, I suppose I have become a bit cynical.
One of my general guidelines is that if the male narrator describes the
female protagonist's measurements with precise mathematical exactitude (in
this case, 34D-22-34) the story is going to be superficial and shallow.
Nevertheless, since the author spelled "areolas" right, my interest grew, as
did his manhood.
The story is essentially unmitigated hedonism, as you might expect from its
title. Aphrodite is the Greek goddess of love and passion, to whom the
Romans later gave the less sexy name of Venus. With a blanket, picnic
basket, bottle of wine and two glasses but no mosquitoes or sand flies, they
merrily fuck each other's brains out in the great outdoors on a beautiful
romantic night.
I'm always a little put off by unnecessary focus on physical magnitude as an
indicator of sexuality. In addition to Afrodite's 34D-22-34 measurements, we
learn that the narrator has an immense (13-inch) cock. That sort of detail
is more a distraction than a turn-on to me. My husband has a friend who
responds to a parting "Have a good one!" with "I already have a good one; I
just need a bigger one!" Actually, all women know that a good one is better
than a big one. Or, as my friend replies to "A good cock is hard to find":
"A hard cock is good to find."
If you have a taste for unmitigated hedonism, you'll enjoy this well-written
story. If anyone knows who actually wrote this story, I'd certainly like to
find out.
Ratings for "Afrodite"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Alice Who Went Through the Looking Glass and Came Back Very Much Changed" by
POC (Reposted by who@why.not). Fifteen-year-old Alice is going to have a
math test for which she is unprepared, but instead of studying she wanders
off to a place that is a lot like either Wonderland or maybe England. She
comes upon a party, where she commits a faux pas and has to make amends by
playing "Simon Says" with a perverted Rabbit and Hatter. Then she watches
the Queen of Hearts giving head to the King of Spades. After an
epistemological digression on dreams, she finds herself incarcerated, but
only for several minuets before she is spanked and buttfucked by a Barney
Fife from the Future. Alice experiences many more marvelous events, which I
shall leave to your imagination.
The story has minor grammatical problems, the most annoying of which is an
inconsistent alternation between the past and present tense. In addition, we
have missing apostrophes and occasional misspellings; for example, at the
Rabbit's command to reveal her tits Alice (who is a true red head) stops
hoping instead of hopping - but maybe that was a Freudian error. In
addition, the Rabbit calls the Hatter a stupid Maroon, which would be
appropriate only at the University of Chicago. As a final touch <g>, they
fondle her for their mutual amassment. After the orgy Alice washes up in a
nearby stream for several minuets. I'm surprised that neither Alice nor the
Queen fondled the King's public heirs.
Factually, of course, the story is extremely improbable, because rabbits
don't have opposable thumbs. You learn things like that if you hang around
an American high school.
Ratings for "Alice"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"One Day at a Time" by Uncle Mike (Reposted by who@why.not). Thinking the
place is empty, Schneider lets himself into the Romano apartment to fix the
plumbing. However, he finds Barbara there, and she seduces him. He awakens
later with a nasty knot on his head and Mrs. Romano standing over him with a
whip. She makes him be a good boy and pay for his offenses.
This is a good but not great parody of the TV show. Probably its main
strength is the sexy dialogue combined with the ability of the reader to
picture the actual people engaging in the various activities.
Ratings for "One Day at a Time"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Conversations" by Frank (Repost by who@why.not). This well-written story
answers the question, "What do kids talk about and parents do in a really
dysfunctional, family where daddy impregnates the kids so that he won't have
to buy tampons for them?" Words such as lame-ass and disgusting spring to
mind, but I have decided not to comment on the behavior described in this
story. If you like that sort of thing, you'll like this story. I personally
think the world would be a better place if fewer people liked this sort of
thing.
Ratings for "Conversations"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Gilligan's Island" by X Story Teller (XStoryTeller@aol.com). I like
Gilligan parodies, but this is a weak example. Three better Gilligan stories
are "Gilligan's Island" by Shelby Bush, "Gilligan Mashukah" by Richard
Dunstan, and "Alt.Gilligan's.Island" by Leo Sanderson. I reposted those
reviews in CR 215. The author of this one spends too much time telling us
what's going on inside the minds of the characters and too little time
showing us. In addition, the parody seems strained. It's not "awful"
writing, but with so many good stories on this topic already, this one does
not fill a need.
The author offers to write more chapters if there is a demand for them. My
advice is to find a better topic and write some better stories - more
originality, more character development, more doing rather than telling.
Ratings for "Gilligan's Island"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Sweet little Anne" by Anne (AKA "Museum"). Guest review by Kim.
Ooops, I got told off by Celeste for being too harsh in my last review.
Luckily for me I don't need to be quite so brutal with this one. You should
see the nasty things Celeste does to naughty reviewers!
This story is told by a woman, Beth, who goes on a visit to the Field Museum
of Natural History in Chicago, with her boyfriend, Greg, and a recently
acquired girlfriend, Anne. As they progress round the exhibits Beth discovers
that Anne, who's a lesbian incidentally, has not come with the sole intention
of steeping herself in culture. No, her thing is exhibitionism!
To aid her in this endeavor she dresses in skimpy, loose fitting garments,
with no underwear. She doesn't seem to care who gets a flash of her more
intimate charms, but her prize targets are other young females, such as Girl
Scouts and college types.
Not surprisingly the boyfriend, Greg, can't keep his eyes off Anne's sexier
bits either. Even Beth is turned on by the display, which reaches a climax,
as it were, when Anne masturbates openly for any passersby, sitting next to a
stuffed ox. Hmmm, how romantic <sigh>.
Anne then proceeds to spread her legs and lips, so that Beth can get a better
look as she fingers herself. She finally tries to top this triumph by
pretending to lie asleep on a bench, with her pussy on display, for another
group of Girl Scouts to ogle at.
By now Beth and her boyfriend, are so aroused that they decide to hightail it
back to his van for an impromptu bout of tension relief. As they leave the
building they watch as four cops go running in, apparently to arrest poor
Anne, and stop her corrupting the youth of the country. Rotten swine. Beth
and her boyfriend, that is. Instead of warning Anne, they run off to their
love nest, laughing. Decidedly mean spirited of them, if you ask me. Still,
Anne presumably got off on being paraded through the building in handcuffs.
So was it any good? Well, yes and no. Yes, 'cos I think there is a highly
arousing story somewhere in there trying to get out. No, because, in all
honesty, it was not very well written in places. Like a lot of stories in ASS
the author seems only interested in taking time and trouble with the raunchy
bits. The lead up is almost slapdash by comparison.
Yeah, I know a lot of readers will skip the lead-up anyway, but I don't; and
I find it detracts from the sex when it finally arrives. So, a qualified
success, that would have received higher marks if more trouble had been taken
with the storytelling. I'm not convinced Anne should have got her jollies by
flashing minors either, but at least she didn't touch any of them; so I guess
they'll survive the ordeal. Oh, and I liked the picture of the cat at the
beginning of the story.
Ratings for "Sweet little Anne"
Athena (technical quality): 7 (More care needed - Hey, I sound
like a school teacher)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (Well, I believed in them, sort of)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 9 (Yeah, so it got me horny, I can
handle it... )
"Sue and Baton Rouge" by Tony (tonytony@usa.net). Guest review by Anne747.
Okay guys, someone set me straight. Do you really need those measurements at
the beginning of a story? This one isn't so bad, but we get age, height and
weight in the second paragraph. There has to be a better way to set up a
story than this. After seeing Baton Rouge in the title I suppose I was
expecting a location 'feel' to the story. It really could have been set
anywhere though.
The thing is, this is a good story, with only a few jarring notes. The start
is a little too clinical in the description of the woman. And a little later
on there is the use of the word headlights in place of breasts. Oh, it's
presented as kind of a joke between the husband and wife; but the second time
it's used, well, it wears a little thin. And somehow cervix seems out of
place in an erotic story, but hey that's me.
The story revolves around a rather popular sex story topic - wife watching.
Usually I find these types of stories kind of silly. However, this one is
done with a very real feel to it, bringing the voyeuristic tendencies of the
couple into play. The reactions and thoughts of the husband come across very
well. The wife's part is a little weak though. Since it was originally her
idea she seems a little too tentative at times, especially after coming on so
strong. I wondered if this was to make her character a little more of a
'good wife', but the sex was hot enough that I didn't spend too much time
thinking about it.
A good story which should appeal to those who enjoy wife watching stories.
And likely will appeal to those who usually give them a pass.
Ratings for "Sue and Baton Rouge"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My Sister Jean" by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). Guest Review by Piper.
{Note from Celeste: I have previously reviewed 2 earlier chapters of "My
Sister Jean," and I am reposting those reviews below.}
I'm sure there are lots of perve..., uh, people out there who saw the word
"incest" in the story description and downloaded it strictly in the hope of
finding a couple (or more) of family members doing the nasty. You know, like
in Frank McCoy's stories. Or Tiffany's. Or even Michael K. Smith's. Not
here, I'm not sorry to say. At least, not in the first 19 chapters.
(Insert - picture of some overgrown pimply-faced no-longer-adolescent guy
sitting down, hunched over, with his nose six inches from the monitor and
drool running down from his open mouth and dripping off his chin into his
keyboard).
The author sent Celeste a copy of chapter 19, asking her to review it, even
though he "knows" (and explains in his letter) it's not really her thing.
Incest, that is. Nor is reviewing incomplete stories (one chapter out of
many, with maybe one, maybe several, left to come). However, since Celeste
is usually quite accommodating, but is currently rather overburdened with
getting the new school year off to a flying start, she passed the baton to me
<grin>. Hey Billy. You ready for this? He-he-he.
Unknown to Celeste (obviously), I've already read all 19 chapters (I guess
she knows now!). It's going to be difficult writing about _only_ the latest
one. So, what the heck. I'll write about the latest chapter _and_ about the
whole thing.
Hey, this is actually a good story - let me emphasize *story* - about two
relatively normal kids growing up. One is a typical over-hormoned teenage
guy with a lust for anything vaguely feminine. The other one is his equally
libidinous but much more controlled fox of a sister. The guy has a panty
fetish, by the way. That's how his sister first caught him; he was sniffing
around in the clothes hamper.
Over the course of time, they develop a code of honor, and start some
low-grade experimentation with each other. Like exposure. Touching. Things
like that. They don't _do the nasty_ right away. All the previous chapters
explore different situations, how they deal with each other's wants and
desires, and dig into how they feel about each other, the rest of the family,
and the world at large. This is fun stuff! Richly detailed, imaginative,
and engrossing. The author even manages to pull off using "natural" language
in his conversations without getting stilted or slangy.
Chapter 19 takes place on Little Cayman (Island). There's lots of innuendo,
sexy talk, some emotional bits, gameplay, and a bit of mental manipulation.
And some scuba diving. And a very pretty (slightly older) dive master.
This isn't the kind of stuff to get you off. However, it is the kind of
stuff that will make you go look for your spouse (or whomever) to help you
get off. Titillation. That's the word I'm looking for. The almost-done
deed. But, despite the author's claim that this chapter stands up well on
its own, it doesn't. Not really. This chapter is a continuation of the
previous one and a setup for the next one(s). Also, if I had read this
chapter without knowing any of the previous history of these characters, it
would have been impossible to understand the reasoning behind some of their
conversations and actions. Like who Ian and Jan are. And the "sex
agreement" the two siblings have. It isn't explained in this segment. Of
course, the easy fix is to read all of the chapters in order.
One thing I will suggest to BillyG is that, unless he's purposefully trying
to leave in those amateurish little mistakes, that he either go over the
story carefully a second (or third) time, or get himself hooked up with a
proofreader. Spell-checking alone just doesn't cut it. In several spots,
missing or misused words really derailed the story flow. (Yeah, I know,
we're getting pickier and pickier around here about them dang homonyms and
missing bits of sentence structure. Life's a beach. And then you diet. Or
is it the other way around?)
For chapter 19 as a stand-alone, I would give the story a 9, 8, 8.5. For the
almost complete 19 chapter story, I give it -
Ratings for "My Sister Jean"
Technical merit 9
Plot & character 10
Appeal to reviewer 10
"My Weekend with Lisa" by "LM l". Guest review by BillyG.
The story, "My Weekend with Lisa," tries hard to be a sweet romance, but
fails. Several impediments, mostly technical, persist in sidetracking the
reader, most notable of which are numerous typos and repeated misspellings.
If the intent is to entertain, the effort is sabotaged by spelling errors
such as surrounding, ahold, worshipped, voluptuous, magnificent, delirious,
thrusted, and entwined. They're the spinach between the front teeth, the
unconscious nose picking that derails one's attention. I found as I was
reading the story, I gave more attention to looking for the next spelling
goof than I did to the plot line.
We learn just a little of the two lovers. Jeremy's a 23-year-old college
graduate who's very much in love with Lisa, a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde.
His philosophical stance, however, suggests a certain sadness beyond his
years, perhaps the sadness of the betrayed. He laments, "I wish I met Lisa
earlier in life. Why not? Then I wouldn't have to go through a ton of
girlfriends while growing up. They really did use me, for many things."
The expression, "a ton of girlfriends" brought a picture of adiposity to mind
I'm sure was unintended.
Jeremy's account of a trip with his blonde lover is replete with detail, at
times confusing and off-putting detail. The use of high-resolution detail in
story telling can serve to highlight an issue or point in a direction of
subsequent interest, but when repeatedly overused, it moves from uncertainty
to annoyance.
As Anne747 observed in reviewing an earlier effort, "I Love Lisa," there's a
certain disjointed quality to LM1's writing. For example, he says, "I
wrapped my arms around her shoulders and latched my mouth upon hers for a
kiss. This time, the kiss was extreme and passionate, almost blinding." I
must confess that the image of "latching" one's mouth on another gave me
pause and in the next sentence, I'm left trying to square the concept of a
"passionate" kiss with an "almost blinding" one. It's as if LM1 were
reaching for fervent descriptions to underscore his love but instead comes up
with unnecessary wordiness that's often discordant.
For another boggling exercise, try to image the body mechanics of this
position: "Next, Lisa hooked one leg over my shoulder and the other around my
waist, then I fisted my manhood and pressed it into her." Given that Jeremy
is six feet, three inches tall - another detail we're given - I had some
difficulty reconciling the phallic reach called for in this coupling. Why,
his cock would have to be . . . no, impossible!
The mechanics of this story are not at the eighth-grade level, just the lack
of attention to things like spelling. Celeste and many others have
repeatedly encouraged the use of a spell checker to elevate a story's
apparent quality. It remains a constant; even a well-crafted story takes on
a tacky and tawdry quality when it's riddled with spelling errors. "My
Weekend with Lisa" is marred by this neglect and consequently fails to make
it as a love story or a sexy story.
Ratings for "My Weekend with Lisa"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
BillyG appeal to reviewer: 6
Review of "Hot Pizza" by Solo Polyphony (solo.polyphony@teamhbbs.com). Guest
review by Mat Twassel.
In "Hot Pizza," Deb, a bicycle pizza delivery girl in a college town, tells
of her adventures one cold drizzly day upon delivering $37.50 worth of
mushroom and olive pizzas to a frat house. The frat guy invites her in to
dry off while he gets the money, but then the dweeb spills beer on her while
trying to hand her a towel and pay her for the pizzas. It's the end of her
shift, she's wet and cranky, and she starts yelling at the poor guy. "Hey,"
he says, "What if I wash and dry your clothes while you take a long hot
shower?" She accepts.
Turns out the frat boys have installed a defective one-way mirror in the
bathroom, and after Deb has entertained them with her shower, the five boys
have her kneel on a footstool next to the bed, and forthwith, in ascending
order of dick size, fuck her from behind. Then the frat mascot, a St.
Bernard named Zeke, has a go at Deb's boy-oiled passage.
Deb's pretty spunky about the whole thing, even though at the end she has to
walk her bike home because her crotch is so slippery she can't ride without
sliding off the seat.
Deb isn't an endearing heroine; she comes off as wishy-washy tough. The
style, fairly straightforward and anecdotal, is weakened slightly by a few
vaguely comic twists and overtones. Verisimilitude isn't the essential issue,
but my taste craves an even leaner and more matter-of-fact delivery--that or
rude whole-hog hyperbole. As it is, this pizza story leaves me a bit cold.
I'll guess Celeste would give it between a 9,7,3 and a 10,9,7. (i.e. a
passably well-written, well-told, though ordinary to slightly below "average"
tale which wouldn't especially touch her, to say nothing about turning her
on.)
"SG6: Under Their Thumbs" by Tooshoes (tooshoes@concentric.net). Guest
review by Mark Aster.
I read lots of comics when I was little. Superman and Batman,
Flash and Green Lantern. Mostly DC Comics, where the plots
were simple and clean, the sound effects loud, and the
villains obvious. I didn't read Marvel much; Marvel
Comics were soap operas by comparison, wasting lots of
precious page-space on character development and
relationships and angst when they could have used
it for good solid fistfights and things blowing up.
Comics also were (even then) sexy. Batgirl. Batwoman.
Catwoman! And, when I dared actually bring a copy
home, Vampirella. God, those tits. And those teeth!
Vampirella was NOT of course DC...
Sexy stories about these sexy superheroes are a real
good idea! Supergirl is a good choice (in fact as I
recall there have been a number of Supergirls, including
the one that was from the same planet as Superman,
another one that was really a magical fungus or
something (I kid you not), and maybe some others).
She's a good choice because she's a sensitive contrast
to the stoic Superman, because she lets the writers
explore the emotional side of heroism, of isolation,
of physical power. And, of course, because she's built
like a brick outhouse. Whoo-eee! And has inspired
thousands of young masturbatory orgasms of both genders.
This particular story is quite nice. A little wordy, a
little slow-paced for my taste; more Marvel than DC, if
you will. Not a hot nonstop sex-show by any means; three
erotic scenes in like 1600 lines. But nicely-done scenes,
and nicely tied into the larger story, which is about Supergirl
and her sexuality, and how various elements of society would
rather she didn't have it, and what happens when it escapes.
This story (which is part of a larger work, but stands pretty
nicely alone) follows in the proud tradition of Larry
Niven's "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex". That essay
considered reasons that Lois Lane might not survive an
erotic tryst with Superman. This story, on the other
side of the question, speculates on, among other things,
why mere mortals might like very much being in the
vicinity of an aroused, preferably orgasmic, Supergirl.
It also says some wry and true things about society and
sex. Here's a line that deserves to be classic:
I stroked Calvin gently to calm him down, and I said more
quietly, "He's not a bad cat. He's just acting naturally."
"That's what being bad means, dear girl," the doctor replied
as he headed for the door.
A few typos, a little long, the sex scenes somewhat
subordinate to the plot. I'd give it a random mix of
nines and tens on the Celestial scale, I suppose...
"The Island" by MissLilyO (MissLilyO@aol.com). Guest review by DG.
This is a little jewel of a story. It reminded me of a minimalist painting
where each brushstroke, shape, and color has a specific purpose. Although it
runs only a little over two thousand words, it is a full story rather than
just a vignette. As a writer who keeps starting stories thinking "This will
just be a short one," and then watching helplessly as they grow past 10,000
words, I find that admirable.
A woman lies bound to a bed in a huge stone house perched high on a tiny
island in Puget sound. Her male captor alternately torments and pleasures
her, ultimately fulfilling her most private desires. At the end of the story
we find that their relationship is not what we expected.
Although the sex acts are explicit and kinky, the style of the writing is
flowery and romantic, which softens the effect somewhat, and underlines the
fact that the woman is enjoying what is happening to her. I often dislike
"romantic" sex stories, filled with awkward metaphors and rampaging emotion.
But in this story the writing is powerful and understated. For example, the
man uses a crop to "blaze a trail of hot leather kisses into her exposed
bottom cleft, touching her up on the little pursed spot there, and causing
her to plead with him to stop." Good stuff.
My personal preference would have been to see the story fleshed out more.
Just when I was really getting into the sex, it was over. I think this
story would work better as foreplay than as the main event, if you are
looking for literary aids for your personal pleasure. But it is definitely
worth seeking out, if only for the fine use of words. I would like to read
more stories by this author.
Ratings for "The Island"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
DG (appeal to reviewer): 9
"One Birth, Two Breakups and a Crash" by Kim. (Kim@nym.alias.net). Guest
review by BronwenSM.
{Note from Celeste: One of the complications of the guest reviewer system is
that I don't really know what relationships exist among authors and
reviewers. In this case, I sent a story by Kim (one of my guest reviewers)
to Bronwen (a noted author and reviewer who lives on an obscure European
island). How was I to know that Kim had already sent Bronwen a
pre-publication copy of her story? Bronwen sent me her review, with a note
that it would be OK to simply trash it if I thought the review would be
inappropriate and especially if I thought it would offend Kim. To solve this
dilemma, I read Kim's story and Bronwen's review, and I personally agree with
everything in the review except that Middlemarch is even remotely a good
novel. Good grief, I didn't know there was even anyone besides me who has
ever read that novel. <Bronwen - Have you read the unabridged version of
Moby Dick too?> My assessment of the story is very much like Bronwen's, and
I'll add my own ratings at the end.
And by the way - I hope authors don't get the notion that 9's mean that a
story is "bad." That would be a very unfortunate interpretation of my
ratings.}
The narrator's just broken up with her live-in boyfriend and, feeling
vulnerable, bumps into the sister of an old friend. There seems to be an
instant - and romantic - rapport... but this new flame isn't what she seems.
Lesbian manipulation in both senses of the word.......
Well, I've got to declare an interest immediately. The author is a friend of
mine *and* I saw this story before she posted it. I liked it then, and my
position hasn't changed.
I wrote this to Kim when she showed it to me: "Finally read it- it's really
great. Took it to bed with me...."
"I wouldn't have given any money I could get turned on by S&M mind-game
lesbians, but I did!"
"Sincerely hope this didn't happen to you, though. Nasty in RL."
But I should have said then what I have to say now. That'll teach me. Best
policy 'n all that. This *is* a good story. The first part, describing how
the break-up affects our narrator and how she happens to bump into the other
woman, is convincing. The central part, which is the sexy bit, was pretty
damn sexy. But the end is not so satisfactory.
If something like this ending happened to the author then she's bloody lucky.
If it didn't then it's too neat to be satisfying. The thing that most annoyed
me about
George Eliot's Middlemarch was the way all the characters got sorted out
neatly in about five minutes at the end - baddies offed, goodies happy ever
after - you know the sort of thing. Well, that's what happens here. It feels
as if the author is worried she's depressing her reader so she lightens it
up. Better not.
Please don't hate me, Kim. I know I should've said this when you first showed
it to me. How was I to know Celeste would invite me to review it?
All I'm saying is, let your character rip a bit more - let yourself rip a bit
more. There was passion in the beginning and middle section, and then you
reined it in. Mind you, it's a fault I share. I underestimate people's
attention span. This is a good story - knocks spots off a lot of the dreck
around - but it's not quite excellent. Next one probably will be.
Ratings for "One Birth, Two Breakups and a Crash" {Added by Celeste}
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Fun With June" by Bigtunaman (bigtunaman@hotmail.com). Guest review by
BluePencil.
Authors strive for a good opening. Properly written, an opening line sets
the tone for the entire story. "Four score and Seven -", "It was the best of
times -", "It was a dark and stormy night" - each phrase leads, seemingly
inevitably, into the writing that follows. So when you encounter a story
that starts out "Did you ever meet a woman who has 'blowjob' written all
over her face?" you don't expect a gentle romance.
I must congratulate Bigtunaman; his opening line accurately reflects the mood
and tone of the story as a whole. No fumbling teenagers, no romantic
hesitations - just a pair of raunchy adults who enjoy a purely physical
relationship.
June and the narrator meet, have sex, and commence an on-and-off physical
relationship, seasoned with camaraderie and friendship but not a hint of
romance. Of it's kind, it's a good story. The writing is competent and
matches the story; the characterization, though minimal, is effective. It
reminds me of _My Friends the Allens_ without the romance and plot, or one of
Mike Hunt's stories without the humor. This story would be at home in the
Letters column of a men's magazine; indeed, except for its greater length, it
would be perfect match.
What can I say? I liked it more than I expected to. There are many writers
on the net who attempt deeper characterization, plotting, and prose. Very
few do a better job of hitting the target they aimed for. And though I might
not look very hard, I'll likely read anything else of Bigtunaman's I come
across.
Ratings for "Fun With June"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 7
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Bar None" by DATS HER&HIM (reposted by who@why.not). Guest review by
Anne747.
The piece starts well and the writing seems pretty good. Could do without
the all caps sections. If you want to portray that someone is shouting, then
write it in. My real problem comes with the content, and frankly the
believability.
However, it's a gang rape piece, where, of course, the woman ends up loving
it. Yes, of course, women just love being trapped in a bar where she is
brutally raped by four men. And of course the fact that her date set it up
without her knowledge is just an added plus. Hey, where do I meet me a guy
like that (yeah right). Oh, and did I mention that this was her first sexual
experience?
So, if you like pieces where women are first verbally abused, then physically
raped, you'll probably love it. No, I didn't read all the gory details, but
I skimmed it enough to know that this is the type of piece I truly detest.
Ratings for "Bar None"
Athena (technical quality): 8.5 (lose the caps)
Venus (plot & character): 5 (I just can't believe the female
character)
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 0 (because I can't find anything
lower)
"The Birthday Present" by Unknown Author (Reposted by who@why.not). Guest
review by Kim
Right up front I should say I have strong misgivings about this sort of
story. To me, at least, I see it as about one breath away from pedophilia. I
know there are many who see these stories as a "coming of age" sort of thing,
rather than the corruption of innocence. So I'll give it the benefit of the
doubt. Sermon over.
This is the rather sweet story of two sixteen year old girls, Allison and
Josey, deciding to give each other's younger brother an extra special
birthday present. The two boys, Danny and Keith, are about to share their
thirteenth birthday, the following week. The girls are going to introduce
them to the delights of adult sexual pleasure.
They decide to take advantage of Josey's Mom being at work on a Friday
afternoon, leaving the house clear for them to engage with the boys after
their soccer practice. The time duly arrives and they pair off with the boys
to separate bedrooms.
We then follow the coupling of Allison and Kieth. She fellates him to orgasm,
then they fuck twice without actually disengaging between times. Ah, the
stamina of youth!
Afterward she tells him he's the best screw she's ever had, which given her
age, isn't really as great a compliment as it might have been. She also
explains how a boy can tell that he's pleased his girl and given her an
orgasm. Not wishing to be unduly picky, I'll just say it's mostly nonsense,
which would seem to indicate that it's been written by someone with limited
true life experience.
They part with a hint of things to come, when Allison points out it's her
birthday soon.
I always end my reviews with bit on whether I liked it personally, so I guess
there's no reason to be any different this time. You can tell a reviewer's in
trouble when she fills up the review with irrelevant sentences like my last
one. :(
It's alright I guess. It's certainly well enough written, and I've definitely
read a lot worse in ASS. Unfortunately, it was such an obvious piece of wish
fulfillment, rather than a true slice of life, I found it very difficult to
suspend disbelief. Maybe it's my discomfort at the age of the characters
that's coloring my judgment; I don't now. One part that really jarred with me
was Allison looking in a legal book, finding out the illegality of her
action, but deciding to go ahead anyway. This takes away all doubts of
innocent experimentation to me.
Bottom line: if you like "rites of passage" stories you'll probably
appreciate it lots. Not my thing though.
Ratings for "The Birthday Present"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (No problems here)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (Not much of it, but it's not required)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 5 (Not remotely sexy - for me at least)
* "Blush" by RC (74734.271@CompuServe.COM). For a while RC was posting about
two stories a week, but I have not seen any new stories for a long time. This
is a good author, and I'd like to see more of his stories.
As this story shows, we're not safe anywhere. If it's not the aliens, it may
be the attractive, middle-aged lady at the cosmetics counter in the
department store. She may hypnotize you by talking you into a trance while
you do something as innocent as trying on some blush while you watch her
brush move back and forth, back and forth. And then when she shows up at
8:00 that evening, you may not understand why you are dressed so seductively
or why you don't resist at all as her lips meet yours.
Ratings for "Blush"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
(Continued in Part 2)
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