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From: Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com (Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com)
Subject: 'Alyssa' {Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com} [ mF rom tragedy true ]
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
This story contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts and is
intended for a mature audience.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1997. Distribute freely, but change nothing.
mF rom tragedy true {Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com}
Synopsis: A short recount of my first real relationship. It was with
a somewhat-older, married woman. No extreme descriptions of sex but
describe the entire relationship as a whole with only the necessary
explanations of sexual encounters.
| AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was not intended to be made public in |
| any way what-so-ever, but the friend that I wrote this to |
| suggested that I do so. |
| |
| The names in this story have been altered, not because I am afraid |
| of the penalties of libel or slander, for everything did indeed |
| happen and I believe I have every right to relate my experiences |
| without altering a single piece of truth. My 'better' judgement |
| eventually gained control and told me that, out of fairness to the |
| woman and friend that I once loved and out of respect to her |
| child, I should afford everyone complete anonymity. |
| |
| -- Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com |
-[ Alyssa ]-
Her name was Alyssa, and when we met she was twenty and I was
seventeen. She was married and had one child. Our first meeting,
believe it or not - was on the computer. It was not a way I would
typically prefer to meet someone, but after talking with her (on the
phone as well) for about six months, I could not help but notice that
she was different from your average computer person. She actually
seemed to be real, intelligent, and honest. I was very surprised that
I could meet a person like her... on the computer!
The first time I ever knew of her, was when I was on a local bulletin
board. It's basically just a chatting type of place with about forty
phone lines. I only called occasionally, because an acquaintance of
mine owns it.
I was sitting in the teleconference one evening watching a
conversation. Actually, it was more of an insult match than anything
else, but I was trying to pass a couple of hours and this seemed to be
the most likely way for that time to speed by.
Suddenly, someone came on with the handle 'Heart*'. I had not seen
her before. I read a brief biography that one fills out when joining
this BBS, and hers caught my interest. The fact that she was married
and had a child made me feel very comfortable for I would be able to
speak with her as a person without having to worry that she might
think I had other intentions in mind.
I believe that we spoke for nearly three hours straight that night. I
can not even recall what the conversation was of. We repeated the
conversation the following night. And within the end of the week we
had exchanged phone numbers.
We talked about many things. She told me that she had become pregnant
when she turned eighteen and she married her husband, Tim, only
because they thought it looked right and it was expected of them. Not
to mention it was the most financially feasible thing for them to do.
However, as neither of them were religious (she is an atheist and he
is an agnostic) the marriage itself meant little to either of them.
Her husband had very recently moved to the East Coast to begin boot
camp. He was going to join the airborne units within a few months.
She was very scared because she would have to move across the country
to be with him soon, and she would have no friends or family around
her there. But he would, for he hailed from that area.
She also had little trust of him handling their finances. (Most of
the things she did not like about him came about only much later into
the relationship between her and I. I am meshing them in with the
earlier part of this story so that you will better attain the
circumstances of their relationship and the way that things
transcribed.) For instance, she wired him almost two-thousand dollars
so that he could put a down-payment on an off-base home for them,
before they moved there, as the military requires that you have
accommodations arranged for your wife and children ahead of time.
They even inspect your facilities before authorizing the payment of
the airfare for your spouse. Anyway, regaining track of this story,
she sent him the money and soon found out that he had spent half of it
on a new stereo and clothes and beer. The rest had been lost at a
poker game.
Those were the kind of things that gave her reason to fear moving away
from her family and foundation, where she could rely on them if she
truly needed help (although her family is not normal or exactly
healthy by any means).
So, we talked for several months. I believe that the first time I
spoke with her on the computer had been in September or October of
1994. I began a relationship with a girl who was eighteen a couple
weeks after I met Alyssa on-line. The relationship with this
particular girl (Linda) was not long. Only six weeks on the outside.
Alyssa had warned the young girl to be careful with me, lest she have
to beat the hell out of her for breaking my heart (I was flattered at
the time). Unfortunately, I found out that Linda was seeing someone
else, so we parted our ways. It was at this time (a day later) that
Alyssa and I decided to meet downtown, as we both lived in the same
city about thirty miles apart.
We had a wonderful time that day. We did nothing but walk around town
and have lunch, but the time together was beautiful. I was astonished
that she was so attractive - and still a sweetheart, too. We decided
to meet the next day. I had put off seeing her in real life for so
long, that we had little time left before she would be moving more
than three-thousand miles away. We enjoyed each other's presence so
greatly that we wanted to spend as much time as we possibly could
together. Once she moved, it was unlikely that we would ever see each
other again.
I'm sure you're asking whether her husband knew of our friendship or
not. The answer is, yes. So did her mother and her family. Her
family seemed to adore me and constantly asked Alyssa and I to visit
them.
The other wonderful thing about Alyssa was that her child was an
angel. I like children and children really seem to get a kick out of
me. As a matter-of-fact, 'James' was the first word her daughter,
Jesse, ever spoke. Talk about flattery! And I heard from Alyssa's
mother that Jesse went about Alyssa's apartment well after we broke
up, knocking on doors and yelling for me by name.
[Sigh] I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting this to happen, but I find
myself with tears in my eyes. Now I understand why my conscious was
fighting me so to keep from writing about this these last two years.
A part of me must have known just how difficult it would be to relive
. . .
Alyssa and I spent more than twelve hours together, seven days a week.
We talked to each other on the phone first thing after we woke up each
morning, and would call each other last thing at night, from our beds
- often falling asleep on the phone together... I never felt more
peace than listening to her breathe lightly as she slept in her bed
thirty miles away from my own.
One night, we spoke on the phone and she was crying. She was so
frightened that she could not trust her husband. For all she knew, he
was cheating on her, she thought. And she was sure that he was trying
to tear her away from the things she loved and trusted to come
three-thousand miles from home and be with him... To isolate her.
But I explained to her how he must feel. I told her that it was my
belief that his intentions were not to separate and isolate her, but
that he was eager to see his lovely wife and their child. He was
anxious and frightened himself, I was sure. He was alone, in the
military and his wife was out gallivanting with some strange man night
and day. For all he knew, she and I may be having an affair!
She took all this to heart and thanked me for making her understand
him. She said she felt much better, and I could hear so in her voice.
I still recall the words she spoke in thanking me...
"Thank you, James. I love you."
I could not speak. I had a thousand things to say and I could not
speak. I wanted to faint and my heart was melting. I thought that
perhaps I was falling in love with her, too, but I had never been in
true love before so I was not certain. As a friend, indeed I cared
for her. More than any other person I knew.
I brushed aside any intentions she may have and assumed she was just
speaking as a complete friend, but the words still made me feel happy.
To have such warmth and caring... and to be loved... by a friend such
as her.
The next day, we met up again and spent time together until late at
night. By that time, it was much too late to simply go our separate
ways, so I insisted on escorting her home. Once we arrived at her
apartment, her child fell asleep and she invited me in. I accepted
and we sat and talked in the living room for awhile. When we realized
what time it was, she asked if I would stay the night - she would feel
much safer knowing that I was not out on the road alone at such a
time.
I agreed, but insisted on sleeping on the floor of the living room.
She told me that she would feel uncomfortable if I were out there
while she slept in a warm bed, so she lay on the floor as well,
resting her head on my chest.
Though not a thought aside from friendship ran through my head as we
lay there, I felt... It's very hard to describe... I felt... as if it
belonged... as if this were how things were supposed to be. And I had
a silly thought:
I asked her if she ever wondered what it might be like to kiss a
friend, passionately. Talk about your loaded question, hmm?
So she kissed me. And that was the moment that I knew I had fallen in
love. For two hours we held each other and drowned in each other's
grasp until we fell asleep.
The next night, I escorted her home and she invited me in again. Once
again, it was too late to safely return to my house, so she asked that
I stay the night. (Although I do not recall having anything planned
ahead of time, I'm sure that in our minds and hearts we knew this
would happen.) We eventually began kissing again and she took my hand
in hers, guiding me through the rooms to her bedroom where we lay
together and made-love.
The next morning, we rationalized the situation that we were in and
agreed that we were merely two extremely close friends (understating
it, weren't we?) and that we were sharing something special that few
others would experience with either of us. Still, our sexual
relationship continued. I soon fell sick and I knew why. I was
punishing myself for the things I was dong to her unsuspecting
husband. This poor man, across the country, joining the military and
trying to provide a future for his family. And I was back at his
wife's apartment stealing her from him. I was seventeen and I wanted
to die.
Yet, I was so in love with this girl. I wanted to be selfish and I
wanted to be with her. And the day after we first made love, when she
told me she didn't want this to be fleeting. That she could not and
did not trust her husband. That she wanted to be with me - for good,
I knew that it had to be taken a step further.
She was, and still is the only woman I have ever loved. There are
girls that I have lusted after, but only she has sustained my love
even two years after we have been apart. I wish that I could hate
her. I wish I could say I want to forget her and put the memories and
pain out of my mind... But I can't.
Making love to her was like becoming a form other than human. Perhaps
becoming the essence of energy, itself. We made love for several
hours at least twice per day. And this continued for several months.
It was more than the physical act, though.... It was how it felt being
close to her. Being in her arms and feeling her breathe against my
neck. Her skin against my own. Looking directly into each other's
eyes as we came. I've yet to find another like her.
We also made love in the strangest places. From the beach at midnight
to the library at noon. The top of a mountain and the top of a roof.
Even, once, in the ocean.
I do not believe there was ever a moment that we were apart. It's
funny, but I don't remember being around her ever feeling 'old'. It
was new, every second of it.
I eventually introduced her to my friend Cairalin. Later that night,
on the phone, Cairalin asked something about wanting to sleep with my
girlfriend. Well, not knowing that Cairalin was bisexual (and
definitely not knowing that Alyssa was, although she would
occasionally make odd comments about other women), I thought nothing
of it and handed the phone off to Alyssa.
They had set up a date, if I agreed, and they were going to spend the
night at our apartment together. Silly me, being young and naïve, I
thought that I would actually enjoy two women with me. I made them
pasta and chocolate covered cherries for dinner and it was before that
meal was finished that I knew I could not handle this. It was too
awkward. It might have worked a couple of years into the
relationship, but our union was so new and so fresh that somewhere
inside of me there must have been a fear of losing her to my friend.
After dinner, we all found ourselves on the bed and I pretended to
fall asleep so that I could think about things without disruption. I
turned on my side and looked away. Soon, I heard sounds of lips
touching together, and when I looked they were kissing quite
passionately. I had seen nothing like it before in my life and I was
in awe. Two females, so delicate and gentle and beautiful touching
one another as if two rose petals brushing against each other still
damp with the passing rain. Their lips parted to allow the intrusion
of one another's tongue. Their hands sought places hidden by both
their little bit of clothing and the blanket-covers.
I turned and pretended to sleep again. As powerfully arousing as the
sight had been, I became angry and resentful. I wanted no part of
this. My best friend, Cairalin, was touching the woman I loved. And
I only now realized how much it would hurt me to lose her.
I interrupted and, although they had insisted that I would have to be
okay with anything they did, they were still very upset at me for
changing my mind (I guess I would be, too if someone stopped me in the
middle of such an activity).
Within a couple of weeks, our relationship had deteriorated between
the three of us.
Alyssa and I found that she was pregnant. I told her that she had the
choice to do whatever she wished and that I would be with her every
step of the way in her decision. She decided to abort the child
because she already had one at such a young age. While I did not
agree, I comforted her and helped her feel all right with herself. (I
later came to know from her family that she had had another such
abortion before in her life).
Later, a phone bill came and it was for two thousand dollars. Our
phones were shut off. Obviously, her husband had been having fun with
the phone card.
I should actually back up a bit here, as I have skipped over a couple
of important things. The first being that when her husband found out
about all of this, he became suicidal and was placed in the mental
health ward at the military base. About a month later, he called us
and wished us luck, telling me that he actually understood why his
wife would love someone like me and that he only hoped I would treat
her, as he should have done in the first place.
The second thing is that Alyssa had never had a job in her life and
wanted to get one so that she would feel secure in herself. If she
were ever single, she could depend on herself and not need a man to
provide for her. Well, I quit my job so that she could have someone
to baby-sit the child. Unfortunately, I felt very uncomfortable
sitting at home and doing nothing but taking care of her baby and
cleaning the house and shopping. True, it is a hard job (but I adored
the child. Playing at parks and taking her to the store and teaching
her things... It was a great experience in that aspect - making a
difference in a young child's life...). Still, I felt like I was a
leech, living off someone else's money, even though she and her mother
(I can't recall her mother's name) insisted that I was doing an
admirable thing.
I eventually began to feel that she was missing her husband. This
made me a bit uneasy, but I did not know what to do so I hid it inside
of me. When we found out that her husband was leaving the army and
would be back in town soon, I knew something would go horribly wrong.
When he arrived late one night and asked if she was at work, (I
answered, yes) our relationship ended. The next morning and the
following week, I spent without my love. She eventually told me they
would try their relationship again. It was odd, though, for I babysat
their child while they went to movies and made love and the like. In
our apartment... It hurt and I felt nauseous all the time. I felt
horribly dirty.
The three of us hung out a lot, I'm not sure why, but we all pretended
to be friends.. The whole time, the poor bastard didn't even know that
his wife and I were still making love several times per week.
Eventually, I had to come clean and I told him of our affair. At that
time, I lost her completely. Two people who had once sworn to be
friends for eternity would never again speak to each other.
And for Cairalin, I spoke with her a few weeks later and she told me
"I understand that Alyssa is a bitch, but you don't understand.. I
just want to FUCK her! That's it... If you were any kind of friend,
James, you'd understand and let me have her."
I replied with something to the effect that a friend would respect my
feelings and stand up for me - not bed the person who has betrayed me.
So, I lost two friends that I swore I would love forever. I also lost
a large piece of my heart that year (1995). I have lost the ability
to trust people easily and I'm wary of every woman I fall in love
with. There isn't a day that goes by in which I do not think of
Alyssa... Or Cairalin for that matter...
---EPILOGUE---
September, 1997
I still have thoughts of Alyssa and Cairalin in my mind occasionally,
but they are no longer in such a longing light. Rather, I reflect
momentarily on the sadness of realizing that one's only true love
wasn't exactly 'true love'. I still view it as the most incredible
and most wonderful relationship I have had to this point, but that is
exactly what eats at me and denies me the pleasure of looking back on
our times together with fondness; the best was still very disturbing
and far from perfect.
I imagine that could speak volumes with that statement alone as to the
quality of my choices when I find myself attracted to someone. There
are likely deeply held reasons that would explain my poor choices in
women. My need to find those in need of... something. Thankfully, I
believe I am finally less willing to give my entire heart, my love, my
time and my effort to someone who can not return those things.
Someone who can only take more and more of those things until you burn
out. I look now for a healthy, beautiful relationship with an equally
healthy girl. Too many in life pass me every day in the streets, on
the bus and in the neighborhood who are obviously with someone less
than they deserve only because it is less frightening to be alone.
Those people make me sad. Sad for their circumstance. Sad for
whatever might have driven them from their childhood forward with a
need to be loved at all costs.
I continue my life with a simple way that, while cynical, is very sage
advice. I do not recall the one who first said these words, but a
friend once told them to me, weeks after breaking up with Alyssa:
"Never play cards with a guy named after a city, never fight a man
with a larger gun than yours unless yours is faster, and never fall
in-love with a woman who has more problems than you do."
But I still can not deny that something about troubled women is
appealing.
* See the story titled 'Heart', which was written to the same 'Heart'
* as I speak of in this story.
- fin -
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