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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 212 - August 30
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Celestial Reviews 212 - August 30, 1997
Note: When Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother
wouldn't let her, the fairy godmother actually told Cinderella that she would
provide for her everything she needed to go to the ball, BUT ONLY ON 2
CONDITIONS.
First, Cinderella had to wear a diaphragm. Cinderella objected to this
condition, because she was already on the pill and didn't need a diaphragm.
However, Cindy eventually acquiesced.
The second condition was that Cinderella had to be back home at 2:00 AM.
Cinderella balked, and the FGM said that if she was not home by 2AM, then
her diaphragm would turn into a pumpkin.
At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM no Cinderella...4AM, no
Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge
grin on her face.
The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the
hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3
hours ago!!"
Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care
of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders what prince had this type of power
and asks Cinderella his name.
Cinderella replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or
other..."
Second note: I have received some more commercial endorsements for condoms:
American Express Condoms: Don't Leave Home Without It! (medically correct)
Timex Condoms: It Takes A Licking, But It Keeps On Ticking.
Boy Scout Condoms: Be Prepared!
Wonder Bread Condoms: Helps Build Strong Penises Twelve Ways
"Tickle Me Elmo" Condom: (no line necessary)
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail addr 10, 9, 9
"Night of the Camel" by DG (humor) 10, 8, 8
"Anthony Brown, Sweet Smelling Stud" by The Warthog
(gang-bang & wife watching) 9.5, 9, 9
"The Heat" by Unknown Author (romantic self-fulfillment)
9.5, 10, 10
"Homework" by S.B. Douglass (emerging sexuality) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Sophia" by A. Sayed Masood (May-September romance)
6, 7, -
"A Change in Her" by Anne018 (mind control) 8, 8, 7
"The Camera Eye" by Spudboy (photographer sex) 8, 9, 10
"The Camera Eye - Episode 2" by Spudboy (photographer sex)
10, 10, 10
"I Love Lisa" by LM1 (romance) 8, 7, -
Reposted Reviews:
* "Abby Gets Pulled Over" by The Warthog (slutty wife)
10, 9, 7
* "Bobbie's Special Half-Time" by The Warthog (orgy)
9.5, 8, 6
* "Heat" by Mark Aster (hot sex with lady cop) 10, 10, 10
* "Heat" by Don Boettger (scientific research on estrus) 9, 9, 9
"A Triple-header Surprise (3 stories)" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com).
These are three very short sex stories, each with a surprise ending. In
"Hypno-Twist" Tom thinks he has three sexy girls hypnotized to be his sex
slaves, but then he discovers that in truth he is the sex slave of one of
their friends, but then we find out that it's all a trick as well. In "A
Massage Surprise" the woman thinks she is getting a very sensual message from
her usual masseuse, but that turns out not to be the case. In "Watching 2"
we have a couple coupling while the watch other couples coupling, but then we
are surprised when we find out what is really happening.
None of these is really a great story, but taken together they gave me ten
minutes of very enjoyable reading.
Ratings for "A Triple-header Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Night of the Camel" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). About a third of the
way into this story I realized I was reading a very long set-up to a very old
joke. As the author suggests, the original joke had a certain element of
pathos; and by filling in the missing details the author has made the joke
more complete and certainly more pathetic. {Sorry about that, cunning
linguists don't get all the credit they deserve.}
Ratings for "Night of the Camel"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Anthony Brown, Sweet Smelling Stud" by The Warthog (linetwo@connect.net).
This author has written a series of stories about Gang-Bang Virgins. The
term applies to shy, respectable women who are deeply devoted to their
husbands but become real sexual dynamos when they manage to get gang-banged
in the presence of their husband. {This is the Warthog's theory, not mine.}
Usually the Warthog's gang-bangs take place in front of the tube while the
guys watch football or at the company picnic; but this time the context is a
romantic weekend getaway. The guy has bought his wife some sexy clothes, and
the plan is that she will go to the bar ahead of him; and then he will come
in, seduce her, and take her back to the hotel room for a sexy finale.
However, before the guy reaches the bar, the wife meets Anthony Brown, a
black guy with a monster cock and cologne that draws women like shit draws
flies (hence the title). Anthony has the wife pick up a few more guys from
the nearby sidewalk, and then everyone bangs the wife; and, of course, the
wife falls more deeply in love with her husband and becomes a much better lay
when they get back home.
In fact, Anthony is sort of a social worker, wandering about the world like a
romantic Incredible Hulk, improving marriages by turning demure near-virgins
into sex-crazed vixens who worship their husbands. A minor problem is the
size of his monster cock, which was huge even by stereotypical a.s.s.
standards for black studs. As I understood it, his plunger when fully
inflated - er, engorged - is the size of two beer cans. Maybe I have lived a
life of deprivation, but I just can't imagine that sort of thing fitting up
my ass.
The basic flaw with this story is that it just doesn't ring true. It's like
the movie, "The Love Bug." That was a great movie and undoubtedly would have
won several academy awards, except that the adult human beings who gave the
awards realized that Volkswagens just can't do what the Love Bug did. In
short, I enjoyed this story; It's not going to make my Top 20 list, but
really was sort of sexy. But you might REALLY like it if you seriously
believe that it is at all possible that a woman who loves her husband will
develop an even greater affection for him after she gets gang-banged in his
presence by two little twerps and a stud with a monster cock.
Ratings for "Anthony Brown, Sweet Smelling Stud"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Heat" by Unknown Author (THC Archives repost). This is the third hot
story that I have reviewed with this same cryptic title, and the meaning has
been slightly different in each case. {I don't know WHY Deirdre has never
posted a story with this title.} Since it's hot where I am writing these
reviews, I'll repost the other two reviews, and maybe those authors will
repost their versions of "Heat."
For a morality tale designed to show that there are more important things in
life than sex, this is a really sexy story! The plot takes place in a small
town during a major heat wave. The inclement heat makes people shed clothing
and sexual inhibitions, but it also shortens their patience. Early in the
heat wave Harold loses his girlfriend to a petulant fit, but by the end of
the heat wave he has a better understanding of himself and a much better
girlfriend. Even though the author sometimes seems to be lecturing about a
form of altruistic or humanistic hedonism, this is a very nice story.
The minor grammar problems are no big thing. This is a very good story. If
anyone knows the real name of the author, I'd sure like to find out who wrote
this story.
Ratings for "The Heat"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Homework" by S.B. Douglass (Repost by olifra@mbox.vol.it). This is close
enough to how I got started to be almost nostalgic. The boy and girl are stud
ying together in her dorm room for their college psych course, when they
discover their mutual attraction to one another. They don't quite go all the
way, but they get very hot. The author handles the combination of innocence
and passionate sexuality very effectively.
That's what I wish for my daughters. If they can't meet their future True
Love at an old-fashioned orgy or church social, I hope they do so while
studying for their psych class.
Ratings for "Homework"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Sophia" by A. Sayed Masood (masport@cyber.net.pk). Guest review by Stubby.
A young man is seduced by his mother's beautiful divorced cousin, who invites
him to her house, and asks him to protect her from bad spirits by sharing her
bed. Multiple lustful May-September conjunctions ensue. An oft-told tale like
this one requires some touch of spice to differentiate it from others of the
genre. In this case, an exotic setting (the Indian subcontinent) would not
quite suffice, were it not for the piquant eloquence of the author's quite
uncolloquial English, and his charming habit of bursting into poetic
(sometimes slight mis)quotation at the drop of a silken garment.
Here's a paragraph to give the flavor:
"She tempted me by playing childlike games. She would torment the hair of my
chest, softly kiss my ear lobes, introduce her tongue in my mouth and
constrict my swollen cock in her thighs. Sometimes she slapped my bottom, and
on the pretext of searching my pockets disturbed the tranquillity of the
sleeping Lion, all the time playing virtuous. I tried my best not to make any
advancement myself but could not resist that bewitching woman."
And:
"I reflected on the opportunities thus sacrificed. A touch of tears drowned
my eyes.
Tears, idle tears, I do not know what they mean!
(A. Tennyson.)"
Ratings for "Sophia"
Form: 6
Literary value: 7
Turn-on factor (totally subjective):
"A Change in Her" by Anne018 (Anne018@aol.com). Guest review by Taria.
Any story that begins "My name is Anne. I'm a 18 year old bisexual" is bound
to have some serious problems. Is this the kickoff to a tale from Bisexuals
Anonymous ("everyone together, now--HI ANNE!")? Is this inaugural sentence
an ominous harbinger of frightening grammatical tortures to come? And what's
the "change" that's coming? Will Anne change her sexual identity? Her
gender? Her underwear?
None of the above. Instead, "A Change in Her" is actually the story of a
horny young teenager and her (probably unethical) use of a mystical gypsy
pendant to get into the pants of the football captain's girlfriend, Miss
Pluperfect Cheerleader. The story is moderately entertaining, offering
sterling vignettes that involve horny teenagers on the school bus, the girls'
shower room, young lesbian lust in a frilly pink bedroom, and numerous
characters who easily overcome their sexual inhibitions under Anne's
influence.
The teenagers are cardboard versions of young people, the parents barely
exist, the mind-control powers are unexplained, unlimited, and generally
unexciting. Furthermore, there is virtually nothing in this story that
required a female lead character, except for the frequent recurring
titillation of the girl/girl scenes. In fact, if the author had substituted
Andy for Anne he would have produced nothing more than a fairly generic
"mind-control" story. "A Change in Her" makes liberal use of most of the
cliches that Celeste has identified for this genre, most notably that all of
the characters are really sluts underneath the skin, and mind control can be
a harmless and fun way to get some without fearing any real repercussions.
"A Change in Her" is somewhat entertaining if you like the "m/c" story type,
but relatively pedestrian.
Ratings for "A Change In Her"
Steffi (technical quality): 8
Monica (plot & character): 8
Billie Jean (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Camera Eye" by Spudboy (cwilson9@ix.netcom.com). Guest review by Kim.
This is the story, told in first person, by a 24 year old male art student
called Rick. His passion in life is roaming the campus finding female
students to photograph, for both his studies and his private collection.
His current assignment calls for a "Nineties Woman", which in his mind means
pierced body parts, tattoos and attitude. And wouldn't you just know it, but
a babe of exactly the right requirements happens along and, with very little
persuasion, is quickly back at his apartment/studio striking a pose. Soon our
hero is asking our leading lady, Angela, such provocative questions as "Do
you have any tattoos?" and "You wouldn't happen to be pierced anywhere else,
would you?". These snappy lines have Angela shedding her inhibitions and
clothes in all directions.
Rick happily starts zooming in on Angela's pierced, out of the way, little
places and getting all hot and bothered in the process. Inevitably they're
soon at it like alley-cats and give each other a damn good time. There's a
momentary lapse into a pretense at safe sex when Angela rolls a condom onto
Rick using her mouth, but that soon comes off when she learns Rick's a virgin
and hey, everybody knows your first time should be special. During all the
various couplings they get into, Rick still manages to cling onto his camera
and snap away; obviously not a man to be swayed from his studies. After she
leaves to go back to class, all he can think about is developing the rolls of
film he's shot. Classy.
Now the critical bit. Yep, it pressed my buttons all right, so it passes its
first hurdle as a sex story. Unfortunately the sentence structure was a
little awkward, especially early on. I found myself having to re-read many of
them in order to make full sense of 'em. Luckily the descriptions of the sex
didn't seem to suffer the same fault; funny that.
Ratings for "The Camera Eye"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (fumbled a bit in the beginning)
Venus (plot & character): 9 (it all hangs together pretty well)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 10 (excuse me while I change my panties)
Review of "The Camera Eye - Episode #2: My Next Surprise" by Spudboy. Guest
review by Kim.
Well, my review of Episode #1 of this story was such a box-office success
that Celeste, always ready for a repeat performance <ahem>, has got me n'
Spudboy back together for a sequel. Speaking personally, I think Spuders
could have come up with a more snappy title, such as "This time it's
personal" or "I'll be back" or something, but there ya go. Been done I guess.
Anyways... Our hero, Rick, having recovered from his first snap/suck/fuck
fest with the gorgeous, nineties girl Angela, ogled the dirty photos and
having made a date to meet her again, does what any right thinking person
would do. Yep, that's right, goes looking for another chick to photograph his
way into her panties. Isn't it amazing just how dumb men can be? Why exactly
a guy, who by his own admission has no idea how he managed to bed such a
babe, then comes to the conclusion the best thing he can do is go looking for
some more elsewhere. Oooh, that was so deliciously sexist of me <grin>.
Now armed with a video camera he tracks down the equally gorgeous, karate
kicking, Nicole. After a momentary hesitation Nicole's soon strutting her
stuff in front of the lens, even managing to forget to wear her t-shirt under
her karate uniform. After the session ends does/doesn't she come on to him?
We never find out and they don't get it together, apart from a brief karate
throw when she slams him to the floor (way to go Nicole!). I have a sneaking
suspicion that we are being set up for "Part 3 - The Return of Nicole"
sometime soon.
Finally we reach the climax to the story. This is a long and highly detailed
account of the date between Rick and his first love Angela. After a meal at a
Thai restaurant, Angela's so horny she gives Rick a blow-job in the parking
lot (Celeste would have been proud of her :). Reminds me, I must try my local
Thai restaurant, if that's the effect it has.
They then drive home to Rick's place and go at it like rabbits, though
several orgasms, especially for Angela (way to go Rick!). The climax, to the
climax, is a combined bout of cunnilingus accompanied by finger fucking her
ass (phew). Oh, he does fuck her afterwards, but she's too shot to notice
much by then, so I didn't care much either. They finally stagger to bed, for
the first time in their relationship I might add, and snuggle up, swear
undying love and drift off to sleep. Awwwww, how sweet.
Well, I'm more than pleased to report that the usual law of diminishing
returns definitely doesn't apply here. I liked the first episode a lot, but
this one's better. Better written, hotter, and generally, apart from some
unexpected idioms, a damn fine read. Hey, Spuders, we must do this again
sometime!
Ratings for "The Camera Eye - Episode #2: My Next Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10 (well in control)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (bring on Nicole I say ;)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 10 (excuse me while I change my panties -
again!)
"I Love Lisa" by LM1 (RNRH85C@prodigy.com). Guest review by Anne747.
Some days I think I'm nuts; others days I know it. Free association makes me
think of "I Love Lucy" when I read the title of the story. Has nothing
really to do with the review, but it set up perhaps expectations, which truly
is silly. Somehow I was expecting either a wacky comedy, or a romance. In
reality the story is neither.
The story tries very hard to be a romance, but it just falls a little short.
It starts out with something that is a standard guy thing - measurements!
Although the theme of the piece is how much the writer loves his girlfriend,
the story tends to emphasize her physical characteristics. Kind of
shallow... we usually love for both looks and character. Although attraction
may be physical at first, deeper love comes with learning about the person.
After reading the story all I think I've learned is that Lisa is "drop dead
gorgeous" and loves sex. Okay, so maybe she is the perfect fantasy woman.
The sentiments don't translate as well once the sex scenes start. There has
been an attempt to add very hot sex to a romantic style intro. The two don't
mesh very well. There is an attempt to start a plot at the beginning with
talk of a trip, but suddenly the scene changes and they're having sex. This
could have almost been two stories. The first should have continued the
romantic feel and included soft, slow sex. The second could have been more
aggressive and included the sex scenes. It's not a bad story, just somewhat
changeable.
One line in particular caught my eye - "You like that, don't you?" she
giggled, sneering at me. The two words: giggle (to laugh with repeated short
catches of the breath) and sneer (to show scorn or contempt by curling the
lip or by a jeering tone) just don't belong together. I found more examples
of this: the two themes of the story don't mesh. It's not a badly written
story, just a little disjointed in thought. The story needs either a soft
romantic tone throughout or a hot, sexy one, but jumping back and forth
between them is somehow unsatisfying.
Ratings for "I Love Lisa"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): Undecided (what a cop out!)
"Abby Gets Pulled Over" by The Warthog (linetwo@connect.net). I have a
confession to make. I have been pulled over by a police officer for speeding
four times in the past ten years. I have never offered to have sex with the
officer, nor has an officer ever requested it. {So now you know I don't live
in New Jersey!} Nor have I ever noticed a bulge in the officer's pants.
Maybe I was too nervous to check, or maybe we have highly professional cops
who can actually do their jobs without being influenced by a sexy woman. On
the other hand, I did talk my way out of all four tickets - but no bulges and
no orgasms. Just anxiety and relief.
Abby is different. Here she is doing her coming out party of sorts - no
panties, no bra, and the sexiest dress she has ever worn; and wouldn't you
know it, she drives a wee bit too fast and the cop pulls her over. Well,
life gets complicated when you get past 18, and the officer first accuses
Abby of coming on to him in order to avoid a ticket, and then her
tight-fitting clothes impair her ability to walk the line. "Looks like we'll
have to go to the station, Lady." "Oh, please officer, please. Isn't there
something we can do?" Well, it would always be possible to throw some ass
his way. The cop is very diplomatic about it. Says he to the husband: "Your
wife is about the best looking piece of ass I've seen in a long time. Hell,
look at her." "Well, if you put it that way, sure! Go ahead! But I'd like
to watch!"
Well, Abby does her duty - and she likes it. She wants more, and the officer
calls for backups. So she takes on a significant part of the city's police
force. To make it even better, the cops are a multiracial bunch, and Abby is
fertile and she insists that fuck her without condoms. She later explains
that this "sounded like a slutty thing to do." This may sound like a sad
story, but it's not. The incident started Abby on a career in pornography;
hubby thereafter got better sex than ever; and he was even able to tip the
pizza man by asking Abby to give him a blow job.
To his credit, the author appends a surgeon-general-style warning that maybe
people shouldn't do everything in this story. You gotta protect yourself!
And maybe you oughta have some self-respect and personality too.
Ratings for "Abby Gets Pulled Over"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "Bobbie's Special Half-Time" by The Warthog (linetwo@connect.net). The
guys have gathered to watch the NFL game. Bobbie is serving them beer, and
does she look good! They seem to be guzzling their beer just so they can ask
for more. I should clarify something. The Warthog writes Gangbang Virgin
Stories; but that doesn't by any means suggest that the bangee is a virgin -
simply that she hasn't had prior experience with multiple drunken partners.
Bobbie sheds her gangbang virginity status at half-time. Some of the action
is pretty sexy. Bobbie does well, and her husband is proud of her - even
though the action goes well beyond half-time. I suppose this kind of thing
is workable - as long as you have at least one black friend with a 14-inch
cock and as long as somebody else buys the beer.
Ratings for "Bobbie's Special Half-Time"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
* "Heat" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). Oh, shit! Now we've got lesbians
on the police force! Well, not really - just a healthy bisexual who is
willing to have a good time with a friendly citizen or two on her beat. This
is a very hot story. I have sort of half a resolution to make it a little
harder for this author to keep getting all these high ratings. So after I
read the first part of this story, I was ready to zap him: "The author is
simply using the uniform implied by the title to titillate readers with a
story that has nothing to do with police officers." I could lower his rating
in the final two categories to at least 9.
This fascination with women in uniform was something I could understand.
Several years ago on Halloween, I had to take the kids door to door. They
wanted me to wear a costume, and I went as a cop. I did nothing kinky on the
streets: I wore the entire costume and kept the equipment on my belt; and the
kids enjoyed it. However, I really got my money's worth after the kids went
to bed, when I arrested the cowpoke with an arrow through his head who had
been passing out goodies at our own house.
In spite of my own fascination with the sexual potential of officers of the
law, I figure the irrelevance factor should be good enough to bring this
story down to maybe a 10, 9, 9. Except it turned out not to be true, as
Sondra frisked Our Hero in the alley before they eventually consummated the
act on the hood of the police car. Hot story!
Ratings for "Heat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Heat" by Don Boettger (A+ Story). The term "heat" refers to the fertile
part of the female reproductive cycle in some animals, often accompanied by
the release of chemical attractants called pheromones which produce the
well-known reaction in the males of the species. We usually apply the term
to humans only in a metaphorical sense. Reading these stories and writing
these reviews may make me horny, and my husband my say I act like I am in
heat; but actually I technically do not fit the definition of being in heat -
indeed, I am often not even fertile, and I am capable of engaging in many
complex behaviors (aside from chewing gum) which would be improbable for an
animal in estrus.
To be (sort of) serious (but just for a moment), how would we describe the
human female. Is it correct to say that she is NEVER in heat? Or would it
be more accurate to say that she is ALWAYS in heat? This is the basic set-up
for the story. The scientists (a man and a woman, oddly enough) have
discovered a drug that hastens the onset of estrus in animals, but they are
uncertain what effect (if any) it will have on humans.
To test the drug on humans, Gaby impulsively takes a dose. The other
scientist is a real humanitarian: he agrees to hang around Gaby while she
might go into heat - just to make sure nothing happens to her, of course.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, this all takes place in Hawaii - on a moonlit
beach, to be precise. They don't exactly make love all night long: they
fuck, copulate like the pre-human animals they have become, driven by
instinct and need rather than desire. This is an obviously undesirable
situation. It eventually takes Lysol spray to get rid of his erection.
The story is not as sophomoric as I have made it sound. Actually, the story
takes an interesting idea and explores it in a creative manner. It's a very
good story!
Ratings for "Heat"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
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