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Celestial Reviews 209 - August 20, 1997
Note: Spam is getting confusing. I normally just delete it all without
reading it. However, just before I deleted a piece labeled, "This is sick,
but I bet you guys c", which was forwarded to about 400 people, I glanced at
it and discovered that it was a simply marvelous sexual chain letter. You
know the sort: "If you don't send this, your pecker will fall off. If you
send this to one person, your crush will have sex with you... If you send
this to 10 people and visit your crushes house, his/her mother and father
will join him/her in having sex with you... If you send this to 20 people,
you will learn to put an apostrophe in _crush's_, etc."
One of you had been kind enough to send it to me. Well, anyway, I made an
amazing discovery. The instructions said I could just make a wish after I
sent the letter onward, and my wish would come true, no matter how dirty it
was. Like if I sent the wish to 8 people at 8:00, my wish would come true in
8 days. Well, I made my wish at 11:00 p.m. and DIDN'T send the letter to
anyone: I just went to bed. Within eleven minutes my wish was coming true!
Can you imagine the implications of this?!!! Well, the first thing I did the
next morning was wish that the letter would be gone, and then I pressed the
delete key and checked. It was gone! This really worked! But what this
really means is that with these chain letters you can just WISH and not even
send the letter to anyone AND YOU HAVE ALMOST THE SAME ODDS as if you did
send it to the prescribed number of people. Of course, you could also simply
not wish, but you have to have a dream, because if you don't have a dream,
how you gonna make a dream come true?
So - and this is the best part - I just wished that all of you would have the
same power; and I'll bet it works! Except my enemies. I wished that they
would all become dull and banal fools who could get only insipid partners to
make love to them. I think that wish has already come true - retroactively!
Second note: A farmer loses his prize stud rooster just when he needs his
hens fertilized most for some new chicks. He looks all over the county for a
new stud rooster and finally finds one about to be killed at the slaughter
house. The butcher says,
" No, you don't want this one, he's too horny." The farmer says, "Perfect!
I'll take him."
He turns this rooster loose in the hen house and hears nothing but squawking
hens all day. At supper time he hears the ducks starting to quack loudly on
the pond. At bedtime he hears the cows bellowing in the barn. The next
morning, he wakes up to the sound of the pigs squealing. He locks his wife
and daughter in the house so the rooster won't get them, walks outside and
finds the rooster lying exhausted and dehydrated in the drive way with
buzzards circling overhead. He walks over to the rooster and says,
"Gol-dangit rooster, if you'd have paced yourself, you could have had the run
of this place for years".
The rooster looks at him with one eye cocked open, nods toward the buzzards,
and whispers "Shhhhhh. They're about ready to land."
Second Second Note: Somebody sent me this information about Manufacturing
Information Access Software System (MIASS), which is pronounced the way you
think it is.
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system.
We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant
manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing
Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We
will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all
employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed
the networking aspects; so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a
time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.
Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised
to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the
less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS and even wish I would
get MIASS out of their lives. Just last week, when asked to enter some
information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little
nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her
through her first time, and when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again.
She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to
kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial
installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we
were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required
prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the
business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you
want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during
recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the
agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our
Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of
MIASS".
Third note: Someone has been reposting all of Deirdre's short stories.
Since there are 156 of these that I know of, I am not going to try to repost
all my reviews. I'll just make the global recommendation that you take a
look at some of Deirdre's stories.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Shirt That Shrunk" by Renae Nicks (wet tee shirt)
10, 9, 9
"A Slaves Story" by Bruce Marshall (gay gang-bang) 4, 4, 4
"My Xmas Threesome" by Carla Leach (illiterate sex story)
1, 1, 1
"Nasty Story #6" by Donna (nasty story) 3, 5, 6
"Computer Games on a Sunday" by Kim (mild consensual
bdsm) 9, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Strip Poker" by Unknown (drunken sex) 8, 5, 4
"My Sextoy Wife" by Jul 4 1944 (wife watching)
9.5, 10, 8
"Sucker" Chapters 2 and 3 by BronwenSM (continued sex
odyssey) 10, 10, 10
"The Adventures of Rachel Roundheels, Teen Slutpuppy"
(sluttish sex) 8, 5, 2 or 9
"One Fine Day" by Pussy Barber (endless sex scenes) 7, 6, 5
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (Underwater sex) 10, 9, 9
* "Brown Nosing" by Phil Phantom (fun-loving incest and
child molestation) 9.5, 9.5, 10
"The Shirt That Shrunk" by Renae Nicks (RenaeNicks@aol.com). Renae and
Derrick are packing for a trip, and Derrick asks her to model for him a shirt
that has shrunk. The damned thing is obviously too tight, and to make
matters worse Derrick spills water all over it, and worst of all her nipples
get hard and the shirt is all clingy. But a good time is had by all. This
is a nice, hot, sexy, probably true very short story.
Ratings for "The Shirt That Shrunk"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"A Slaves Story" by Bruce Marshall (). The narrator is a 14-year-old boy who
hitch-hikes to and from school. A guy who gives him a ride throws in a free
hand job, and soon the boy finds himself strongly attracted to gay sex. In
no time at all he finds himself to be a sex slave.
The story's grammar is really awful - as exemplified by the absence of the
apostrophe in the title. In addition, the plot is not timed properly.
Everything happens too quickly with little apparent logic for why it is
happening. In fact, the story is more a seduction and homosexual gang-bang
story than a sex slavery story, as the title would lead us to expect.
If you like exploitive, gay sex, you may enjoy this story anyway. My advice
to the author is that next time he should develop his storyline more
carefully, revise it several times before posting it, and proofread it
carefully to get rid of the extremely annoying grammatical errors.
Ratings for "A Slaves Story"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"My Xmas Threesome" by Carla Leach (coolwow@usa.net). I read this story
because it's hot as hell around here, and Christmas in August sounded pretty
good. It was a major disappointment. I guess there's no reason a person who
can't write should not be permitted to post stories, but I suggest you skip
this one. The main strengths of this story are (1) it's short, (2) it makes
the preceding story look a lot better by comparison, and (3) at least 20% of
the words are spelled correctly. Wow! I should talk! I just noticed I left
both hyphens out of the title! I don't think this story is even about a
threesome - unless Sharon and Sahron are the same person.
Maybe Brits get this way after they listen to the Queen's Xmas speech.
Ratings for "My Xmas Threesome"
Athena (technical quality): 1
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"Nasty Story #6" by Donna (). As you can see from the previous two reviews,
I had been looking among unrecognized authors for possible gems. To mix my
metaphors, I had struck out twice. So it was with a spirit of apprehension
that I approached this story with its really imaginative title. My
apprehension only increased when I realized that this same author had written
"Nasty Dog Story." My initial advice (without reading the stories) was, "Get
some better titles." For example, "Fucking Dog Story!" would be more
appealing.
Next I discovered the author was dysgrammatic or dysgraphic or something. Bad
grammar is one thing; but when it interferes with good humor, that's another.
And so, I didn't know whether the author was being clever or stupid when I
came upon this line {actually discovered would be a better word, I didn't cum
upon this line}: "I could feel the inside walls of my cunt(C)slit being
pushed aside as the cock forced a channel for itself inside me." Now, in
case your font doesn't pick up these subtleties, that's a copyright symbol (c
with a circle around it) between "cunt" and "slit." I think that's great, but
I hate the feeling that I might be getting sexually excited over a
typographical error. Actually, I don't mind and even LIKE the feeling of
being sexually stimulated, even if it's by a typo; and heaven knows, there
are times when I'm down in the dumps and am simply surrounded by typos....
See what I mean? In a sense, this story is so bad that it's great!
Anyway, I decided to ignore the grammar and spelling, as well as the fact
that a person who did what this woman did with a dildo would almost certainly
have severe medical problems. I concentrated on the content. What I
discovered were some innovations involving Crazy Glue(C) involving dildoes
during naked horseback riding. I've often wondered about that, although I
use a bicycle instead of a horse and don't ride naked or use a dildo or
Crazy(C)Glue.
Well, my overall conclusion is that the story lacked realism. Almost nobody
can stimulate herself to orgasm while Crazy(C)Glue is drying: I think she
must be thinking of School@Glue, which is much slower but a lot less
hazardous to cunt@lips. And I think she should have used KY(C) or maybe
WD(C)40 as a lubricant. I also think the story would have been better if
when she got thrown off the horse and knocked unconscious a snake would have
crawled - maybe even slithered - into her cunt(C)hole.
There's more; but that's another story. At least it SHOULD be another story
- or maybe two or three. It's really hard to determine how the author
decides where one Nasty Story ends and another begins.
Surprisingly, I think this author really has talent. I think buried beneath
all this silliness is a flair for telling a good story. I think this author
should quit her night job, go back to school, learn to write, and produce the
Great American Novel. For starters, she should do something drastic - like
proofread her next story before posting it. She should also focus on one
idea at a time and develop a perspective of some sort. You can't just ramble
and expect to have a story: Mike Hunt looks like he does, but it takes real
talent to give that impression successfully. And she should do something the
title: how could anyone know what this story was about from that title?
Under the circumstances, however, I think I'll skip "Nasty Dog Story."
Ratings for "Nasty Story #6"
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Computer Games on a Sunday" by Kim (kim@nym.alias.net). The narrator and
her boyfriend want to expand their sexual repertoire. The decide on some
dom/sub games, but they feel they need a ringmaster to coordinate their
activities. Who will it be? Not who, what? Kim decides to program the
computer to synthesize their amorous activities.
This story may be an example of technology run amuck - er, amok - er, no,
amuck, probably - or maybe both. However, I don't quite see why the computer
was necessary. I mean, they could have drawn activities out of a hat or any
other container. But I guess it's OK to have a user-friendly computer in the
story.
The sex is hot. I get turned off by bdsm that's designed to hurt or
humiliate people in the name of "love," but this one was fine with me.
{Sorry, Kim; there goes you audience!} As the saying goes, "Lovers who play
together stay together." Ooops! A nun told me that; and it was "pray."
Ratings for "Computer Games on a Sunday"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Strip Poker" by Unknown (posted by melanie156@aol.com). Guest review by
Anne747.
Poor Chuck. Left alone after a party with four semi-drunk ladies, all with
perky firm breasts. Yeah, like this happens! What guy in his right mind
would leave Chuck alone? Kind of a standard premise really. Everyone drinks
a little too much, strip poker is played. There are some more complicated
rules that come into play once everyone is closer to naked.
That is the whole problem with this piece - it's too complicated. I often
find group pieces hard to read, and just as hard to write. It is a only a
really good author that can keep you from becoming confused with more than
three people in a story. I hate to say it, but I just couldn't keep the
people straight. The author tries to do this by making the women blonde (oh
boy, did I pick the right word?), brunette, auburn, and dark-haired. It just
doesn't work.
I must admit I spent more time trying to keep the people in the story
straight than actually getting into the story. I think I would have had to
make a list of names, descriptions and clothing worn to be able to do so.
Oh, and I think there is part of this story missing - the last line was
simply cut off mid-breast (although I have a feeling this was meant to be the
closing line anyway).
It may be a better story than I'm giving it credit for. If I were a man,
just the scenario of four luscious perky women stripping in front of me might
be enough for a good review. As it was, it just turned out to be a jumbled
mess of people I couldn't keep straight past page 1.
Ratings for "Strip Poker"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5 (I need an aspirin!)
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 4
"My Sextoy Wife" by Jul 4 1944 (Jul 4 1944@AOL.COM). Guest review by Piper.
Okay. I've read dozens upon dozens of slutwife stories; from incoherent
babblings, to well-written hot sex scenes pasted together, to actual literate
and intelligible tales. It seems to be one of the more popular genres. I
guess there are lots of people out there that like reading about somebody
else's wife taking on all comers. The author describes this as an adultery
story. After reading it, I think it goes beyond simple adultery. After all,
adultery could be a single mistake made in a lonely, drunken, weak moment.
That's not what happens here.
This story doesn't follow the normal patterns. Instead of describing the
action and telling us how much the wife likes getting multiple organs
inserted multiple times into all her orifices, and how much the husband likes
watching/hearing about said extra-curricular activities, the author leads us
deep into the mind of the husband. We are told the story from his point of
view. We hear his thoughts. We learn of his own infidelities and
insecurities. This is a real mind trip.
These are not the "normal, well-adjusted" people we hear about in the more
vanilla a.s.s. stories, even in this category. They are what's called "A
Scary Couple". Marriage counselors have nightmares about people like this.
I don't think these two people even like each other. Nevertheless, fear,
insecurity, and other less-defined emotions bind them to each other. That's
what this story is all about; digging deep into their psyches and finding out
what drives them both.
This is not going to be one of my favorite stories, although I did enjoy
reading it. My interests don't really lie in examining the inner thoughts
and feelings of a dysfunctional couple. Not even one where the woman is as
hot, sexy, beautiful, and responsive as Alicia is supposed to be. Not even
for a woman who gives one of the best blowjobs on either side of the
continental divide. And definitely not for a guy who, in the words of one of
my friends, is "smart like a dump truck" (you get the idea). Maybe
selectively blind would be a better way of putting it. After all, he drops
his wife off, alone, at a famous singles bar every Friday evening for two
years, and STILL doesn't really believe she could be fooling around on him.
The erotica content is fairly high, although most of it is of the
"in-your-face" and "get even" variety. The writing is good, solid, and
intriguing. In a few places, I found things a bit confusing, although this
could be something the writer has included on purpose, as the protagonist is
sharing memories, as well as talking about his current situation.
Technically, there are some formatting problems and a few difficult
passages. Nothing major, as long as your newsreader can handle text where
the only carriage returns are at the end of paragraphs. I think this problem
could be because I received the story 3rd or 4th hand.
Ratings for "My Sextoy Wife"
Technical merit 9.5
Plot & character 10
Appeal to reviewer 8
"Sucker, chapters 2 and 3" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com). Guest review by
Mat Twassel.
If you missed BronwenSM's "Sucker" a few months ago, don't make the same
mistake this go 'round. It was Celeste's Best of the Month when it first
appeared, and it's gotten even better thanks to two subsequent chapters, "Oh,
Bugger," in which the now lovely Kim-but-Dim learns about bottom fucks, and
"Revelations," in which Kim comes to discover passion's promises and rewards.
Rollicking good-spirited fun! I hope this is not the ultimate climax.
In Chapter I, if you remember, 17 year old Kim, suddenly big-breasted and
incredibly beautiful, falls for some well-to-do boy's line that if she
doesn't relieve his sexual urge the clotted blood will burst his brain... or
something like that. Desperately afraid of babies, Kim uses her hands, and
then her mouth, and finds she's good at it, and likes it, and is suddenly
oh-so-popular! The girls don't like her much, but one can't have everything.
In Chapter II, Kim tells us over lunch about her daddy's fall from power and
rise to riches, which leads to Mummy's brush with polo and Kim's sudden
education in anal sex at the hands and etcetera of Eddie the Greek. All
along, Kim's narrational voice is rich with unintentional naughty puns and
outrageous innocence. I don't really know how to take her, but she's
deliciously sexy and so is the writing:
So I was kneeling as if I was worshipping
the sofa and thinking all these jumbled thoughts
when all of a sudden I felt this presence at my
arse. He was sort of looming - I could feel him
rubbing the soft hot purply end of his dick up
and down between my arse cheeks like a warm plum.
His movements were slow and lingering, stopping
completely for a moment every time he touched
the actual hole itself.
It was nice. It was very nice. I could actually
feel my bum hole sort of yearning. It was trying
to open outwards. And then he very gently pushed
the round hot tip of his cock into my bum. I gasped
and tried to relax, but I was grateful when he
withdrew a little to let me adjust. It was a very
sexy feeling, but a bit tense-making. I focused on
letting him in, and maybe it would have all gone
smoothly if he hadn't got impatient.
I particularly like the "soft hot purply end": isn't it neat that the cock
has color in Kim's mind even when it's out of sight? BronwenSm consistently
amazes us with words--ordinary, rich, sometimes unexpected, always just
right.
Greek Eddie is, it turns out, a phony as well as a cad: after his most
promising beginning he abuses Kim almost brutally, but for some reason Kim
continues to let him use her bottom all through chapter two.
Good old Uncle Barn, a college chum of Kim's dad, comes to the rescue in
Chapter III. The ending, though not "exactly" Pride and Prejudicy, is
certainly juicy.
Reservations? Minor stuff, mostly. Chapter I, on its own, is awfully
top-heavy--too much repetition concerning Kim's physical development and not
enough development of character or plot... but with length this awkwardness
smoothes out some. Similarly, we do seem to learn more about Kim's dad than
the plot demands--maybe some of him appears more for word play and marginal
satire than anything else. Much as I enjoy Kim's language, sometimes she
talks too much instead of giving us scenes. And the rendering of action,
often flowingly poetic--consider the passage above--doesn't always reveal as
much as it might: we learn what Kim thinks about getting fucked in the ass,
for example, but we don't feel it with that deep intensity offered at onset.
I wonder whether we really need that lunch to get us through chapter two...
It's slightly confusing and serves no great purpose, as far as I can see.
And finally, the narrator changes at the end of Chapter III--Kim could have
handled the final scene just as well or better on her own. In short, there
may be a few small structural issues and flaws, and maybe when this is all
done, these will be mended. But Celeste, you're gonna hafta read this story:
certainly it'll be a strong contender for best of the month.
Ratings for "Sucker" {Added by Celeste}
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Adventures of Rachel Roundheels, Teen Slutpuppy" by Rachel. Guest review
by Kim.
Hey, I'm back for another stab at this reviewing malarkey (great word huh?).
Obviously Celeste thought I was ready for an epic, and at near a hundred
pages I think this one qualifies. Actually that's not exactly true. After
considerable reformatting I managed to get it down to under fifty pages but
hey, that's still half an epic at least.
The basic thrust of the piece is the life and times of the narrator Rachel
and her incestuous relationships with her Father and Mother, plus her sexual
antics with other possibly non-related folk. It begins with Rachel having a
lesbian tryst with her best friend Jesse; and after that bout they jointly
decide to seduce Jesse's brother. Hmmm, do I detect a common thread here?
After many assorted couplings between various characters in just about any
and all combinations you can conceive {or not conceive, if you're using
proper birth control}, our heroine finally makes her way to her dad's house,
where she and an itinerant male lover, happen upon her father giving himself
a blow-job (I kid you not). There follows a discussion on the best way to
achieve this particular form of self love. I would think this bit is quite
educational should you happen to be the proud owner of a penis - or, perhaps
more importantly, the ordinary owner of a humble penis who needs a way to
gain some pride.
The story then lurches into S&M territory, as dad decides the best form of
nurturing his fifteen year old daughter would be to turn her into his
submissive sex slave. {You do-gooders that would like to tell this guy to
fuck himself should recall that he already knows how to do that to his own
gratification.} Some more sex ensues, beginning with Rachel being handcuffed
and flogged with a belt. Nice dad huh? Various friends then wander in and out
of the frantic couplings that follow.
The story then switches to some time later, when Rachel wanders into her
mom's bedroom and accidentally discovers a giant double-ended dildo. A few
moments later, you guessed it, Rachel and Mom are getting it on with the
dildo. About now we are only half-way through the story (and note that
Celeste sent me only the first ten of about four thousand chapters). What
follows for the rest of this first book in the series, is many, many more
couplings between (actually, "among" on many occasions) all concerned, in any
and all ways describable.
Apart from one very unpleasant sequence where the Father whips his ex-wife so
relentlessly that she bleeds (which of course turns Rachel on), all is pretty
much as it should be for a happy, caring, incestuous family that has not yet
come to the attention of the child welfare services or begun its term in the
realm of eternal damnation.
And now the big question: did I like it? Well, I'd be a terrible hypocrite if
I said none of it turned me on. It's written in a down and dirty style which,
whilst being horribly cliche ridden, knows exactly how to reach its target
audience, which <alas> included me from time to time. An example of the
writing might explain this better: [He prodded my fuckhole with the blunt
head of his dick and it slid right in. "Oh, man." He sighed into my ear.
"Nice cunt."] My case rests, and so will my pussy shortly.
So, much against my better judgment, I have to admit it turned me on quite
thoroughly during some of its nastier moments. My heart and mind kept telling
me how appalling it all was, but my gonads kept telling me how appealing it
was <sigh> - <that's embarrassment, not satisfaction!>.
Ratings for "The Adventures of Rachel Roundheels"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (my gonads speaking)
Venus (plot & character): 5 (my brain kicking in at last)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 2 or 9 (depending on which part of me gets the
upper hand)
"One Fine Day" by Pussy Barber. Guest review by Mark Aster.
This story is porn. Sometimes I forget the difference between porn and
erotica, and of course there are lots of borderline cases, but it's nice to
read a sample of the Pure Stuff now and then to remind me what it's like.
Which isn't to say that it's a bad story! It's just from a somewhat
different culture than the stories that I usually read and enjoy; it has
behind it a rather different tradition and set of assumptions, some of which
I admit are annoying to me and seriously detract from the story. It's a
pretty good story of its type; that may not be saying much!
The narrator stops by the house of some friends and watches them splashing
around in the pool. He gets pushed in by one of the ladies, and later on
while sitting around in just a towel (his clothes are drying, of course) the
kidding around escalates into a dare to shave the pussy hair of that same
lady. He goes through with the dare, of course (you get the subtle wit of
the author's pseudonym, eh?), and large-scale fucking ensues. This is where
the porn shows through, and the story gets annoying.
Up to this point there's been some nice erotic tension building up, some
actual human emotion: will she let him do it, will they both die of
embarrassment at the intimate position they've gotten themselves into, and,
of course, how long will it be until they're actually screwing wildly on the
bed all covered with shaving cream? But pretty much as soon as he touches her
vulval flesh with the razor, the porn scenario cuts in, all sense of
reluctance or shame disappears as though it had never been, the women all
become bisexual, and everyone's fucking everyone, in every possible position,
quite mechanically, and without convincing surprise or joy.
And then they do it again. And again. And again in some other position.
And so on ad infinitum. And I don't really understand it: certainly anyone
masturbating to the story has come by now, and anyone not masturbating to the
story is losing interest. But endless repetitive sex scenes are part of the
porn culture (as I know from watching the occasional naughty video and
reading the occasional sleazy novel).
Also part of the culture are Really Stupid Exclamations. "One Fine Day"
features such gems as "Cum with me. Milk me with your cunt. Milk my sperm
into your cumming cunt.", "Cum on her big tits. Soak 'em down", and even
"I'm gonna soak both of 'em in jism! Cum all over these hot bitches!".
Maybe it's just me, but these all strike me as so dumb to be seriously
distracting; among real humans engaged in lovemaking, I think they would
cause the proceedings to dissolve into fits of hysterical laughter.
We can also tell that the story is porn because at the very top there's a
URL, and some bizarrely-misspelled admonitions: "After U R Finished Reading
this Story, Cum Here for Tons More FREE!!!", "Guaranteed to Make U Cum!!!".
Like the story itself, it uses "cum" as a verb, but I could probably forgive
that. I have never understood, though, why people who are trying to attract
customers say things like "After U R Finished" and "While U Wait". Is there
some business theory that holds that many prospective customers are looking
for stupid people to transact business with? But I digress.
So this is an okay story, good stroke-material for your typical heterosexual
male at least. But ultimately quite forgettable, and seriously marred by the
silly cliches of porn culture. On the Celeste scale, I'd probably give it a
7 from Athena (for dumb dialogue, using "cum" as a verb, mixing "lie" and
"lay", and some other illiteracies), a 6 from Aphrodite (for sacrificing
character to raw fucking), and a 5 from Celeste (or Mark, in this case) for
annoying me by squandering good material...
Ratings for "One Fine Day"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Mark (appeal to reviewer): 5
* "The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (yqv7599@is.nyu.edu). The man has invented an
extremely lightweight piece of scuba equipment that converts water to oxygen.
A side benefit is that it enables such easy maneuverability underwater that
it is possible to have sexual intercourse without surfacing; and that's what
this story is about. The story is extremely short, but it achieves its
purpose of describing sexual activity in a highly romantic environment. I
liked this story.
Ratings for "The Dive"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Brown Nosing" by Phil Phantom. Some people will dislike this story
because it was originally zipped but now it's decoded. Others will object
because it is about incest. I think it's just plain funny. Anyway, the man
has just gotten a job, but he leaves his wife and family behind in the room
with the boss during the final interview. The boss fondles the man's
daughter; and the man's son becomes turned on and begins fondling the mother.
The third child becomes so excited that "she didn't know who to watch."
That should be "whom," of course. Some of these authors get so excited that
they screw the hell out of their pronouns as soon as their hormones get
going.
A lot of readers enjoy blackmail and pedophile stories; and this one combines
both. I usually don't like either element, but I enjoyed this one largely
because of the grotesque perspective. We see the first part of the story
from the viewpoint of the father, who re-enacts everything that happens while
his wife tells him about it. The storytelling style is most interesting; it
reminded me of the old Bert and Ernie sequence from Sesame Street ("Did
anything interesting happen today?" "Nope." "How did you tear your shirt
pocket?" "Oh, that happened when I was running too fast through the door at
the circus... after Johnny said we had better go home... after the tent
started to collapse... after the mime started yelling and screaming....
because the door to the lion cage had come open... after the tiger devoured
the trainer... right after his partner had been shot by the homicidal maniac
who was using me as a human shield... But don't worry; the S.W.A.T. team shot
him.... right after he threw the hand grenade down my pants.... ) Actually,
the Sesame Street version was a little different, but the idea is that the
wife casually describes to the husband increasingly outrageous activities;
and the guy just listens, tries the ideas out on his wife, makes her cum, and
then says he'll have to have a talk with the kids.
Of course, if this would happen to you and your family in real life, you
should go straight to a good lawyer. Make that an expensive lawyer - they're
easier to find. The lawyer will fill you in on the details regarding how you
can become immensely rich by suing the bastard for child molestation.
But there's more! After dropping Dad off at home, Mom goes back to get the
kids at the movies. She wants to have a talk with them - to make sure they
don't lose respect for her, of course. So while they're driving home, the
kids essentially gang-rape her with hand jobs in the moving car. They even
argue over who gets what. During a typical American car trip, when the
children argue and get out of hand, the parent often screams, "Shuddup, you
little motherfuckers!" I suppose that would have been ironic under these
circumstances.
But there's more! Eventually the boss starts making night calls to the
family's house and brings clients to go into the girl's room and plays sex
and bondage games with Sherry and Sandy after using Mom as a warm-up course
while Dad does paperwork for the company. This pushed me beyond the limits
of what I could endure. That should be girls' - it's s-apostrophe, not
apostrophe-s, for plural possessives!
This was an interesting but bizarre story. If any of you try this in real
life, you deserve to be arrested. Then you will burn in hell and will be
forced to live with an American politician for all eternity.
Ratings for "Brown Nosing"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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