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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 207 - Aug 13
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Celestial Reviews 207 - August 13, 1997
Note: We have a short issue this week. I was gone to a family reunion,
where nothing of an incestuous or sexual nature took place. Except my
husband suggested that one irritating relative perform a probably impossible
sexual activity on himself. However, I don't think being instructed to go
fuck oneself qualifies as interesting material for this newsgroup
Second note: Thanks to the many guest reviewers who made this issue possible.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Old One" by the Real Megillah (geriatric romance)
10, 9, 9
"The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (ff romance) 9, 10, 10
"Advanced Biology Lab" by Linda Loring (mechanical sex)
9, 9, 9
"Kittens Inspiration" by Kitten (writer's block) 5, 4, 4
Guest Reviews:
"Aunt Peg's Visit" by BillyG (teen romance with older aunt)
10, 10, 10
"The Pool Girl" by Unknown Author (ff swimming pool sex)
8, 9, 9
"The Act" by Shvk Brar (bland sexual activity) 7, -, 3
"Prize Pig" by Cobalt Jade (medieval femdom) 10, 10, 10
"The Photograph" by JYM (poignant teen pregnancy)
10, 10, 10
"Wedding Gift" by Seurat (mild bdsm) 10, 10, 10
"Bacchanalia" by T.J. MacAllister (revenge) 10, 9, 10
Reposted Reviews:
* "Lab Partners" by WithSue (very hot, gentle threesome)
10, 10, 10
"The Old One" by the Real Megillah {posted by (Hawk Richards)
(heminway@epix.net) for the actual author}. The 35-year-old married man is
doing research at a home for the elderly for a book he is writing. He finds
himself attracted to a woman more than twice his age, and he discovers that
she is a very adept lover. He begins to think of his possibilities with
other elderly women who live in this harem.
This plot doesn't quite ring true, but it's still a good story.
Ratings for "The Old One"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (anndouglas@aol.com). This is NOT a parody of
the American sitcom - which was pronounced "The Loooooove Boat," with a
lovey-dovey cutesy intonation that's impossible to duplicate without sound.
No, this is a simple story about two woman who go together for a vacation
{i.e., holiday for Brits} on a cruise ship that has been chartered for all
lesbians - except for their naive little selves. Let's see - Ann Douglas,
non-lesbians in a lesbian atmosphere - I wonder what will happen!
Well, as you may have guessed, both women begin to wonder what it would be
like to make love to another woman, and pretty soon they become involved in
sapphic delights. However, this is not a purely lesbian story. While the
women are clarifying their sexual identity, there are numerous flashbacks to
their prior heterosexual escapades, and the mf snapshots are just about as
hot as the ff scenes.
A grammatical note: A female person with light colored hair is a blonde.
However, her hair itself is blond. That is, the "e" is properly added to
the word "blonde" only when it is a noun meaning "a blonde person" or when it
directly modifies an entire blonde person, not just a part of her body. So
my blonde friend has a blond pussy. Well, not really; it's brown. But if
she were a real blonde, her hair would be blond not blonde. Lots of people
spell these words differently, but the way I have sescribed is the way it's
supposed to be. Men are usually blonds - without the "e." However, in this
story we had an anomalously bearded blonde bartender.
This story had more grammatical errors than most of Ann's recent stories, but
it was still a delightfully romantic and sexy story.
Ratings for "The Love Boat"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Advanced Biology Lab" by Linda Loring (Red Dragon repost). When I saw this
title, I thought I had already reviewed this story; but when I checked my
records, I discovered that I was thinking of a WithSue story entitled "Lab
Partners." The latter story has nothing to do with a sexy lab technician
being masturbated to orgasm by one of those mechanical arms with which lab
technicians handle untouchable substances. This one does. And when the
narrator comes back to the lab late at night he finds this buxom lady (known
by her colleagues as the "Ice Queen") naked and enraptured in the "arms" of
the lab equipment. As fate would have it, the lab is equipped with video
cameras that cover every inch of the lab and can record for posterity
anything that might happen in the room. The way the Ice Queen is going at
it, the seismometer in the next county might also record these events.
Anyway, the narrator seizes - er - manual control of the equipment. For the
rest of the details, you'll have to read the story yourself.
Ratings for "Advanced Biology Lab"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Kittens Inspiration" by Kitten (Listed as "Leon" as a Red Dragon repost).
Leon is a writer who needs inspiration for his next story. So Kitten hauls
her ass up to his cottage and into his pool and copulates with him. Then
presumably Kitten left, and Leon wrote his story, and Kitten wrote this
little ditty. I suppose that's why Leon gets the big bucks for being the
writer in the family.
Ratings for "Kittens Inspiration"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Aunt Peg's Visit" by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). Guest review by Michael
K. Smith.
I don't believe I've seen a story by this author before, but I hope he keeps
writing and posting. This is definitely one hot story! And, though the author
doesn't say, it seems to be the first part of a longer work (I hope).
The protagonist -- whose name, oddly enough, is Billy -- goes to the San
Francisco airport with his divorced mother to pick up her sister, come to
stay for the summer. (My first thought was, "Obvious setup.") Peg is ten
years younger but similar in appearance, . . . which is nice, since Billy has
had the secret hots for Mom for several years. And Mom has to go back to work
right away, so Billy promises to look after Peg ("Don't call me 'Aunt,'
please. I don't want to be all grown up"), whose first wish is to try out the
genuine California hot tub. But first, Peg wants to have a little talk. About
frank conversation and the effects on her nephew of her taste for nude
sunbathing. He's willing but warns her that he just might acquire an
erection. (Yeah -- as if!)
Let's just say I was already feeling the effects myself before aunt and
nephew ever reached the hot tub deck. The author has a talent for word
pictures and literate description, and about the only "bad" words you'll run
into are a few "pussies" and one "cunt." I take this as the mark of a budding
erotician, not just another porn-scribbler. It is indeed a setup, but it's
also a lot closer to believable than most -- which, for me, makes the story a
good deal sexier.
Gotta pick a nit or two somewhere, though (the Reviewers Guild rules demand
it). Oh, yeah: "Billy" changes inexplicably to "Bob" at one point, and the
author has a tendency to forget the closing quotes in dialogue passages. And
I found one misspelling. Nothing that a bit more line-editing wouldn't have
caught. When I taught history, I was not known as an easy grader, but I give
this one straight 10s. And I'll certainly be watching for the next
installment!
Ratings for "Aunt Peg's Visit"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Michael K. Smith (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Pool Girl" by Unknown Author. Guest review by BluePencil.
If you read alt.sex.stories long enough, you start to develop a set of mental
filters for stories. These can be personal - "I know NetNaziInBlackLeather
_always_ writes romantic stories with SM and rubber chickens", genre - "I am
_so tired_ of pedophilic midget lesbian nun stories" - or stylistic.
True confession time here, kids: it's the stylistic problems that _really_
keep me from enjoying a story. Speling and grammar errors are something up
with which I will not put. You encounter a story written entirely in the
second person and you shake your head and skip it. Like any other corpus,
the body of a story should end up in a plot.
But what _really_ irritates me are unnecessary (and improbably) exact
descriptions of the participants. This has lots of variants: the LARGER/
STRANGER THAN LIFE school, where the men and women have measurements more
appropriate to horses and dairy cows; the smaller than life school, much
favored by the authors of husband humiliation stories; and, most common of
all, the Sports Trivia school, where being told a woman is tall and blond or
a man short and dark is never enough - "John Henry, a 5'4", 130 lb brunette
of Welsh/Egyptian ancestry, absent-mindedly stroked his 8" long, 3" diameter
cock."
Oops! Sorry about that. I was frothing a bit. Ahem. As I was saying
before I sidetracked myself, I have a number of filters I use to decide
whether I will bother to read a story. Most of the time, it works, too -
when I ignore the warning signs, I only rarely am pleasantly surprised.
_The Pool Girl_ surprised me.
When Celeste passed this story my way, I didn't expect much. The language,
though reasonably grammatical, was sometimes labored. The first part of the
story suffered from typos. And the author has a mild case of the dread
Sports Trivia affliction. If I hadn't committed to reviewing the story, I
would have quit reading. I'm glad I didn't.
Despite its (mild) flaws, this is a good story. A woman on the rebound from
a tomcat husband finds solace with young woman from the pool service, on the
rebound from a tomcat boyfriend. The story develops believably, the sex is
hot, and the characterization works. Not a great story, but a good one with
the promise of better to come; I found myself wishing that the author had a
more memorable nom du net than an229873@anon.penet.fi, so that I would have a
better chance of finding more of his/her stories. Recommended.
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 9
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Act" by Shvk Brar (shvkbrar@aol.com). Guest review by Tooshoes.
"The Act" has a cast of two generic characters: "He" and "She". No
introductions are necessary. The plot is correspondingly uncomplicated. He
and She undress each other, engage in foreplay, and have sex until the
thrilling climax.
This really isn't a sex story at all. It is simply a description of the "act"
of making love, with very little style or creativity. The Act occurs in the
bedroom -- that's all we know of the setting. It might take place in the past
or the future, in America or China. All 2722 words are focused on a simple
objective -- to describe a single act of lovemaking from beginning to end.
And that is all the author, Shvk Brar, intended. Perhaps he wanted to show
the act of loving making in it's purest form, as a sacred ritual, without
connecting it with any sense of meaning or purpose. Or maybe he grew tired of
reading so many erotic stories where a plot was simply tacked onto the main
event, and decided to skip all the secondary stuff.
But rituals are meaningless when divorced from the people who perform them.
Sex has no magic if the spells are not cast just right.
The Act has two things going for it: the writing is fluid, and the
descriptions are precise. But the act in question might have been "eating a
McDonald's hamburger" for all the excitement it generated.
Ratings for "The Act"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): Irrelevant
Tooshoes (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Prize Pig" by Cobalt Jade (Cobaltjade@aol.com). Guest review by Sven the
Elder.
Let me quote a description from Cobalt Jade's story intro :
'"Prize Pig" is the second installment of a series of stories about the
sexual adventures of two brothers in Washington State. The first was "Dad's
Going to KILL Us!" which was posted on ASS, ASSM and ASSB back in mid-April'
She goes on to say that the stories stand alone - and I agree - so there is
no need to read the other first. Having read and enjoyed the first
installment I was looking forward to the second and was not disappointed. The
best description is that of a family weekend away from the ordinary hum-drum
of modern life. In short, the story is about participation in a Mediaeval
weekend, complete with saucy wenches and adventures. Having never been to
such a gathering, I can only guess at the authenticity of the goings-on, but
have to say that I have now started looking up the timetables for such events
in my locale in Merrie Englande.
The sex is hot and believable, the scene setting good, the femdom hilarious -
perhaps that remark is unkind, but it amused me. The story is enjoyable and
well rounded, the hormones of the brothers spraying out their ears. One or
two of the scenes might have been expanded - mother and father's particularly
- but otherwise a well-rounded tale. I noted with interest the ending, with
the hooks nicely left in place for the youngest member of the family to join
in at a later date.
Cobalt is right, you don't have to have read "Dad's Going to KILL Us!" first;
but since I had done so, the characters of the boys fell together nicely. My
previous knowledge improved my understanding and enjoyment of "Prize Pig."
"Pardon - Oh the Pig?" "Ah well you'll just have to read it to find out,
won't you!"
Ratings for 'Prize Pig'
Technical quality: 10
Plot & character: 10
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 11 (I can't? - Oh! All right then 10) <sulk!>
"The Photograph" by JYM (GJ@SPRYNET.COM). Guest review by Mark Aster.
A very short but very lovely story. No sex happens on stage, but the story
is very much about sex, and love, and bodies, and hearts. And about how
beautiful a pregnant 16-year-old can be, naked and shy in front of the
camera. And how something beautiful can be utterly tragic also.
It takes some daring to make a story this short, and to post a story with no
actual fucking to a.s.s.*. The author of this one has that daring, and
enough talent to pull it off. I recommend this story highly; don't be put
off by what I've said so far even if you're just looking for sex stories. The
Photograph is highly erotic, as well as all those other things. The ending,
while maybe a tad obvious, is effective and moving. A couple of
misspellings, awkward phrases, and an odd capitalization might cost it a
point for technical perfection, but it deserves at least solid tens in them
other categories. A keeper.
Ratings for "The Photograph" {Added by Celeste}
"Wedding Gift" by Seurat (#1 Twilight Zone series) (dantedibby@aol.com).
Guest review by Wherryman.
I had already read Wedding Gift when Celeste sent it for review, but I was
pleased to have an excuse for another look at it. The story is in the form
of a series of telephone calls between Tony and Bill.
Tony now works at the Twilight Zone, an erotic clothing and accessory store,
and has sent a wedding gift to Bill and Eileen. In the first call Bill is
thanking Tony for the present but is wondering about the condition - that one
package should be opened each week for six weeks.
Tony seems put out by the way Bill is crowing - about his marriage and about
the good sex the first package precipitated - understandable when we learn
that Bill stole Eileen from Tony _and_ got him sacked from his previous job.
Why would Tony be so magnanimous?
The following calls chart the progress of the relationship between the
newly-weds and we begin to appreciate Tony's plan.
I am not a fan of the 'conversation' style of story telling. There is a
fantasy series that is done entirely in that style - like reading a play with
no stage directions. This story though is well crafted and is short enough
and engaging enough to more than make up for my initial misgivings about the
style. Make sure you download this story.
I have since read more from the Twilight Zone series - all have a mild
sub/dom theme - and the standard is consistently high. Sub/dom is not one of
my favourite genres - but if it's your cup of tea, or if you just like well
written stories, keep a look out for them.
Ratings for "Wedding Gift":
Technical merit 10
Plot & character 10
Appeal to reviewer 8
"Bacchanalia" by T.J. MacAllister (Red Dragon repost). Guest review by
Purple Shade.
Dyan Thomas was a bastard and proud of it. His motto -- fuck 'em and leave
'em. So it wasn't surprising when Sheila Severson became just one more notch
in his bedpost. Just a nameless body to masturbate into and get his rocks
off. One more forgettable broad.
Unfortunately for Dyan, he didn't know how dangerous a game he was actually
playing or the consequences of constantly thinking with the wrong head.
While I would've liked to have seen more of a story development given an
interesting premise, this still remains a good if too short tale. A gentle
reminder in keeping with the motto of "Those who live by the sword, die by
the sword."
Ratings for "Bacchanalia" {added by Celeste}
Technical merit 10
Plot & character 9
Appeal to reviewer 10
* "Lab Partners" by WithSue. Sue was kind enough to send me a copy of this
story before she reposted it. When I saw it posted this morning, I was
upset, because I hadn't finished it yet. So I dug into the rest of the 24
pages (11,188 words, according to my word count) and was late for breakfast.
It was as good as Sue humbly said it would be. (Now I have to put this out
of my mind and concentrate on summer school.)
The deal here is that Sue loves fantasies and in real life encourages other
authors to respond to her fantasies by finishing or adapting her stories. A
few paragraphs into the story, I realized that Sue herself was the lab
partner working with the two guys. The buildup took a while; but even our
anti-Jane-Austen critic would enjoy the result, I think. (I'd really like to
know his opinion of this one.) This has to be one of the longest orgasms in
a.s.s. history; and I stayed glued to the screen for every minute of it.
This may be a chick story - but what a chick!
Ratings for "Lab Partners"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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