Message-ID: <2186eli$9707192221@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Archived-At: <URL:http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/Year97/2186.txt>
From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: Celestial Reviews 200 - July 19
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d
Path: qz!not-for-mail
Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam
Approved: <usenet-approval@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded <story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Original-Message-ID: <970719151636_848918124@emout07.mail.aol.com>
X-Is-Review: yes
Celestial Reviews 200 - July 19, 1997
Note: Those annoying spammers must have a purpose in life, and their behavior
must be motivated, at least in the loose sense of the word. It seems obvious
to me that the reason advertising spammers do their thing here is because
people respond to their ads. Therefore, it seems unlikely that they will
stop; and it's pointless to reason with them by saying that their spam is
rude and inappropriate. They seem to suspect that there are thousands of
horny, hungry people out there who really do want to know where they can find
a Sperm-berping Queen or Teen Cheerleaders Who Fuck Like Bunnies Doggy Style.
The suggestion I have proposed (actually suggested by someone else, who will
remain anonymous) is for real a.s.s. and a.s.s.d. posters to put the
abbreviation of the newsgroup at the beginning of the title line {ASS}. This
is likely to catch the eye of a person who is looking for non-spam.
I think we have to admit that the spammers are not going to go away. We can
simply ask for their respect. In fact, I think we can even ask for their
cooperation. That is, it would be nice if spammers would refrain from using
my proposed convention {ASS} to mislabel their spam. It would be even nicer
if they would label their spam clearly. For example, one of the spammers has
recently started to put a dash at the beginning of each of his spam title
lines. This not only draws attention to his clever advertisements, it also
enables me to skip his stuff {because I am not interested}, while someone
else can find it more easily {because they need access to high quality Girls
Guaranteed to Please}. In fact, I hereby promise that if I ever need a spam
product or service, I'll patronize only those commercial spammers who
advertise their THOUSANDS OF BITCHES SLOBBERING ON CUM SQ in this forthright
manner. "Forthright" - that could be the title of the story when Bob
advertises Jeanette's services in order to pay the expenses of the new little
Brennan, whose future existence was announced in "For Bearing."
Second note: I was the recipient of an application of the Blowjob Principle
recently. One of my main goals is to make the Blowjob Principle as popular
as, say, Murphy's Law. That is, someday I hope that someone will go into the
office of the high school principal and say, "You goddam idiot! Don't you
even understand that the Blowjob Principle applies here? If a person expects
to get a second blow job, the recipient should make the giver glad to have
performed the first." And the principal will say, "You're right. You did a
good job teaching your English class, and I neglected to show my
appreciation." Then he'll give the other person a blowjob; but since the
Blowjob Principle is actually a metaphor, the principal will actually give
the teacher a raise or public praise or something like that - unless he
doesn't know what a metaphor is.
Simply summarized in its application to this group, the Blowjob Principle
states that if you enjoy a story and hope to see more like it, you should
express your appreciation to the author. A simple note that tells the author
you liked the story and why will suffice - a literal blowjob is usually
unnecessary and often impossible.
Second second note: Mike Hunt forwarded this message to me: "Hey, got a quick
comment about the 'Blowjob Principle,' as expounded by Celeste. You know,
that's a great idea and all, but I think it works in reverse, too--it's kinda
disheartening when you write thanking e-mails to authors, and never hear a
pip back from them. I've written to two authors so far about two weeks ago,
and haven't heard a zip back from them. Whatever."
Well, I don't want to get into problems of infinity here {"Thank you for your
story!" "Thank you for thanking me for your - er my story!" "Thank you for
thanking me for thanking you for your story...."}. Nevertheless, I think I
should proclaim the Cumshot Corollary to the Blowjob Principle. Essentially,
the Cumshot Corollary means that if someone goes out of his/her way to make
you glad that you gave him/her a blowjob, you should express your own
appreciation by cumming courteously and copiously. Within the constrictions
of the Law of Conservation of Cum, this means that you should endeavor to
make the relationship reciprocally rapturous. In my own case, I cannot
possibly reply individually to everyone who corresponds with me, and so I
resort to the Groupsex Policy and simply try to continue writing good reviews
and maybe incorporate into my reviews some of the comments my correspondents
have made to me.
The opposite of the Cumshot Corollary is the Fuckoff Fallacy, which may cause
the whole process to break down. I'll assume that the Fuckoff Fallacy is
self-explanatory and will explain it no further. {Incidentally, in education
courses we discuss "behavior modification." The professor waxes eloquent on
topics like positive and negative reinforcement, extinction, etc. I trust you
teachers out there can see that behavior mod is really Blowjob Theory. Try
to remember to call it by the right name in professional discussions.}
I wish to take this opportunity to thank Mike's correspondent for his
comment, and I hope he enjoys what I am imagining doing to him right now.
Third note: Several people have asked how they can post stories anonymously.
Here is some information on anonymous services. In general, these services
permit people to post messages without using their ordinary email address and
without any reasonable possibility of their identity being traced.
Information about one such service can be obtained by sending a note to
admin@anon.nymserver.com or email to help@anon.nymserver.com with a blank
message line.
In addition to the above service, the a.s.s.m. FAQ lists these two web sites
that offer free anonymous remailing services: www.POBoxes.com and II.
www.Mailmasher. Another service available through email can be found at
www.EDTec.com.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica
Ahsmacker" by Tom Bombadil (silly, suspenseful sex).
10, 10, 10
"Victorian Gentleman" by John Dark (newlyweds) 10, 9, 9
"Clarissa Meets Alex Mack" by MrBaytes (sci fi teen sex)
10, 9, 9
"Tryout" by Friar Dave (threeways & moreways) 10, 10, 10
"Desert Lust" by Dennis, Stephi, and Kathy (silly slutty sex)
4, 4, 4
"Gully Washer" by Uther Pendragon (geriatric sex)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Movie" by Ann (porn movie sex) 9, 8, 7.5
"As the Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards (sexual problems)
"Rules of Engagement" by Unknown Author (9, 10, 8)
"Journey to Carlin" by Remmelt de Haan (medieval fantasy)
10, 10, 10
"Infidelity" by Cold Comfort (X-Men story) 8, 10, 9
"Wolf Dream" by Unknown Author (mood story with
bestiality?) 10, 10, 10
"Role Reversal" by The Reverend (science fiction)
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been reposted):
* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (sitcom
parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
* "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 7, 5
* "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (Sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
* "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
* "Coach" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
* "Blossom: First Date" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 8
* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
* "Home Improvement" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 8. 8
* "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (television parody)
10, 10, 10
* "The Brady Bunch" by Uncle Mike (sitcom orgy) 10, 9, 9
* "Married with Children" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 8, 8
* "Fame" by Uncle Mike (music & sex) 10, 10, 10
"The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker" by Tom Bombadil
(mrdouble@ix.netcom.com). This is a sexually explicit version of a
cliffhanger - one of those media productions that used to exist as television
serials and which one can still find on the cartoon channel on cable TV.
This episode begins with Angelica Ahsmacker and her faithful sidekick, Tiny
Silvertongue, hanging over a cliff. Not really, of course. Angelica is
actually tied to a log and about to be bisected laterally by a buzz saw. As
the author puts it: "It was a race between the awful arms of that molestation
machine and the terrible teeth of that spinning saw to see which would be the
first to delve deep into the defenseless damsel's dampening divinity."
I enjoy this sort of thing immensely. This author is creative in both his
plot development and in his use of language. {I enjoy cunning linguists.}
If you like humor and alliteration with your sex, you'll enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Angelica Ahsmacker"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Victorian Gentleman" by John Dark (john_dark@anon.nymserver.com). This is a
story that was too late for my Second Third Annual Celestial Short Story
Contest. Like most of those stories, it comes with a surprise twist late in
the story. The very straight Victorian gentleman has brought his wife home,
but since she is very tired, he decides to let her go to sleep in her
separate bedroom and then be deflowered in the morning. He wakes up early,
and with lustful eagerness.... You'll have to read the story for yourself to
find out what happens.
Ratings for "Victorian Gentleman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Clarissa Meets Alex Mack" by MrBaytes (mrbaytes@aol.com). This is a
relatively well written and sexy story about adolescent girls getting it on
together. It is supposed to be based on the Alex Mack Nickelodeon TV show.
The problem is that the story really does almost nothing with science
fiction, which is the main tenet behind the TV series. We have the advantage
of being able to picture Alex and Clarissa as real people, but they act
pretty much like any other adolescent girls with an attraction to one
another. Aside form that flaw, this is a pretty good story.
Ratings for "Clarissa Meets Alex Mack"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Tryout" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). The reader immediately gets
immersed in the action right from the start - Jerry comes out of the shower,
finds his wife already turned on from reading a sexy magazine, starts fucking
her, has her read the magazine out loud to him, and then finishes her off.
In her pre-Jerry life, Connie was interested in other women; and Jerry has a
liberal attitude in this regard: Be sure she's clean, don't cut THEIR time
together, and talk about it if the attachment seems to be getting more than
essentially physical. In other words, Jerry "is able to remain sanguine in
the face of Connie's sapphic escapades." I'd say he goes beyond sanguine to
just plain buoyant when he joins the ladies himself. Read the story for
details.
This is really hot stuff. It almost makes me suspect that the author
delights in the thought that maybe his readers will get turned on while they
read this story.
The only flaw in this story was that either Connie or Kim had nice
"aureoles." I guess Friar Dave wrote this story before my seminar on
areolas. However, because I learned some interesting things about sextoys, I
won't even dock him for his misspelling of the a-word.
Ratings for "Tryout"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Desert Lust" by Dennis, Stephi, and Kathy (Kristen's Collection). I have to
admit that I downloaded this story just because it was labeled desert.txt,
and I wanted to see if the author had misspelled "dessert" - which has 2 s's,
because you always want two helpings of dessert. Nope, it's actually about a
lady's encounter with a mechanic who licks her popsickle and a with a biker
gang in the desert. The mechanic and his brother are both well hung and call
her bitch, since they are black men. The bikers are Latino men who smell
like beer and are covered with tattoos; but we don't find out exactly what
they do to the ladies, who have become sexually excited by riding on the
"hog's," because the story just ends. It will be continued if there's enough
demand.
Ratings for "Desert Lust"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Gully Washer" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx10.nyx.net). This is actually
a revision of a first draft, but the modifications are substantial enough to
justify new ratings and a placement with the new stories.
"Lust is only the present." So says the author in this story. Lots of
stories posted with this newsgroup are about lust. This story also has a
past; and it's about more than simple lust. As the man and woman make love
together while their children and grandchildren sleep in the house during the
rainstorm, memories of times past come into the man's mind and give
additional meaning to their sexual activities. I like lust; it makes the
world go round. But love based on a common history sure is nice too.
This is an imaginative story. You don't think grandparents actually get
naked and do it with each other, do you? As I grow a little older and can
vaguely foresee the day when someone will ask my own grandchildren that
question, I hope my descendants will say, "Yep! And I'll bet she enjoys
dirty stories too!"
We have one interesting typo that was missed by the spellcheck: "He lay her
in bliss on their honeymoon...." There should be an "e" at the end of "her."
Other than that, this is a good story that has become better. While I enjoy
the raw sex of "Tryout," I also find room in my libido for the gentle,
sentimental lovemaking of this story.
Ratings for "Gully Washer"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review was written by Kim.
"Movie" by Ann (Ann0not@aol.com). Well folks it's lil'ol me, Kim, who's been
asked by her highness to come up with a review of a genuine ASS story. If
you're surprised then you should see how I feel. Anyway, the next issue is
should I go undercover? Even tho' I'd thought up a pretty good alias (Shirley
Not), I decided that M1ke was right and it's only fair that you should know
who to flame, so here goes...
The general plot of 'Movie' is of a young woman who tries her hand at
starring in a porn movie. It begins in a school with the woman getting her
break via a friend whose brother owns the studio where the porn film is to be
shot. It's not clear whether the woman is a student or a teacher. I was kinda
hoping it was the teacher, then I might have been able to squeeze in a joke
about 'Celeste goes to Hollywood' or something, but I digress.
Anyway, she duly arrives and proceeds to have protracted oral sex with the
lead male of the film. Written entirely from the female's POV, there are
lengthy descriptions of what it's like to apply the blow job principle three
times in a row to the same man. All this action seems to stun the film crew
into open-mouthed awe. Not only that, it gets the lady film director all hot
and bothered to such an extent that she demands some personal action after
they've finished shooting for the day.
Unfortunately, at this point, we come up against the dreaded 'to be
continued...' so it's hard to know where it's all going to end. Well, what
did I think about it? Hmmm, well I guess I generally liked it. It's got a
couple of problems tho'. Firstly it dwells exclusively with oral sex, which,
granted there are much worse things to dwell on. Secondly it's written in a
very
dispassionate style. It's almost like a documentary rather than an action
drama. I imagine the first problem will be addressed as subsequent chapters
become available. As for the second problem, well that's purely personal
anyway; many of you may appreciate the relentlessly authentic style. Despite
the lack of passion, I look forward to the continuing adventures of our
heroine Anne and her film-making escapades. I also await the video :)
Ratings for "Movie"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 7.5
The following guest review was written by Mike Hunt.
"As The Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards (heminway@epix.net). I hate to slam
another writer's work. Especially when the author cares about the quality of
his craft, as Hawk Richards seems to. Previous efforts earned low marks, and
he cared enough to correct his technical errors and fix logic jumps to move
Celeste's ratings from a 7-6-8 to straight 10's for the same story! Whatever
he did in that rewrite, he should do for this one.
"As The Paige Turns" takes a good premise and eschews the perfunctory sex
that litters so many a.s.s. stories. Alas, the writer gets twisted in his own
words, as in the sentence "With no makeup, she still made embodied an elegant
European beauty of high cheekbones and mesmerizing eyes." Or how about "Well
. . .," he hesitated while gathering his thought if only for a moment, then
unglued his gaze as he said, "I'm seem to be uninterested."
Sorry. I'm in the camp that says overwrought narration, typos, and bad
grammar destroy the enjoyment of a story. _Even_ a cute one. _Even_ a quite
original tale about a guy who can only get it up when reading
<alt.sex.stories> with a modem burbling in the background. _Even_ a good yarn
where the lady shrink wants to play with herself while he talks about his sex
problems. _Even_ one where the guy likes adventures of Batman or Mickey and
Minnie Mouse fucking.
There's a whole lot of story in "As the Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards.
Unfortunately it's buried under all the words.
The following review was written by Michael K. Smith.
"Rules of Engagement" by Unknown Author (gregorsson@aol.com). This is an
interesting story. A little strange, a little cold-blooded for my taste, but
interesting. Simon, stuck for the moment in a bivouac in the Saudi desert, is
lonely for his wife, ardent lover, and business partner, Sue. Straightforward
enough, right? But Sue is a semi-retired high-money hooker. For that matter,
so is Simon.
The two met in New London, both working for Sam, a flesh merchant with a
heart-of-gold -- sort of. Simon supplied muscle to keep the johns in line and
protect the girls but he soon was roped into the trade himself. (His being
willing to suck cock as well as screw the girls and orchestrate fantasies for
the customers probably had something to do with this....)
He and Sue have numerous adventures (in flashback) with sailors, businessmen,
a black U.S. Attorney, and even a priest, but they eventually have
entrepreneurial ambitions and go into the porn business. Then the Gulf War
comes along and the story is built around their lascivious correspondence.
Some odd digressions make me wonder about the author's own background and
experiences (besides obviously having been in the army). An example is an
extended discussion of the engineering limitations of condoms and their use
in applied psychology. Using special-order condoms a couple inches shorter
than usual makes the customers think they've grown longer than usual. As Sue
comments, "illusion is the key to pleasing men." (An astute observation
indeed.)
The style is bald narrative, which may be enough when the action is as
complex as it is here. And the plot is certainly well thought out and clearly
developed. However, I can't say any of the sexual descriptions, as vivid as
they often are, really aroused me much, which is too bad. But I'm a romantic.
The author gets off some pretty good lines, though, such as: "Somehow Simon
made the girls all feel good about being whores." Also, "Fucking for money is
hard work, and a girl can't always relax enough to have an orgasm." (The one
ex-hooker I've known in my life would certainly have agreed with that!)
My only real complaint is that the reader must stop at the beginning of each
chapter to reorient himself. The narrative starts with Simon in first person,
switches to omniscient third person but still focused on Simon, then back to
first person again -- and then to _Sue_ in first person, followed by third
person again but with Sue's POV! And then it's back to Simon in various
modes. That's way too much switching around of viewpoints for me!
Also, gratuitous spelling and punctuation errors are rare early in the story
but become a good deal thicker as you read; I suspect the author simply got
tired of cleaning up his typos.
And by the way, it _is_ a good idea to put "END" at the end of a
multi-chapter story, just so the reader doesn't wonder if he's missing a
section -- especially when the narrative simply stops, as it does here,
instead of properly ending.
Ratings for "Rules of Engagement"
Technical quality: 9
Plot and character: 10
Appeal to reviewer: 8
The following review was written by Mark Aster.
"Journey to Carlin" by Remmelt de Haan (zarn@rc.service.rug.nl). This is a
nice, hot, tender story of sex between friends in the outdoors, set in a sort
of generic pagan-medieval-dungeons-and-dragons fantasy world. The author's
forward implies that this is just one episode in a longer story, or set of
stories, not necessarily involving sex. There are a few references to
characters and events that took place before the present story; while they
are only passing references, and may annoy readers who like all their loose
ends tied up, they add richness and a sense of context to the present story.
Abigail and Ukko are on the way to Carlin, and they stop by a lake to rest
the horses and eat and make camp for the night. Abigail strips and goes for a
swim, and invites Ukko to join her. This is not just a story about two
people fucking. The two are comrades and colleagues and friends, but have
never made love before; the author gives us Ukko's point of view as he
gradually realizes that she is interested in extending their relationship in
that direction, and by the time they're screwing wildly on the blanket, 150
lines into the story, we've gotten to know them rather well. The author uses
various stock devices of fantasy fiction (horses, crossbows, armor, names of
deities), and adds some interesting sex language: orgasm is "joining the
stars" or "leaving" (as opposed to "coming"!), sexual positions have names
like "the Crane" and "the Faceless Unicorn", and simultaneous orgasm is a
"Lover's Journey". Something like that, anyway. If you hate and despite
generic fantasy fiction, this may bother you; if you love it, you'll love
this. If you're not sure, give it a try; nice hot sex isn't a bad way to be
introduced to a genre!
I don't do numbers, but I'd guess that Celeste would give this straight 10's,
unless she doesn't like quasi-medieval fantasy, in which case it might lose a
point or so on the Celeste rating...
Ratings for "Journey to Carlin" (Added by Celeste)
Technical quality: 10
Plot and character: 10
Appeal to reviewer: 10
The following review was written by BluePencil.
"Infidelity" by Cold Comfort. A reviewer is never supposed to admit lack of
knowledge; if not against the union rules it's considered to be a sign of
weakness, or moral lassitude, or lack of a sufficiently overblown ego. I
don't like to admit to any of them, especially the last, but an admission
must be made: I haven't followed the X-Men in years.
My first impulse on receiving "Infidelity" to review was to go borrow my
nephew's comics collection and start reading. Most fan fiction assumes you
already know all the characters and situations involved. It spares the
writer the problem of setting up a coherent background and character
development, but has the sometimes thornier dual problem of explaining things
well enough for the reader who _doesn't_ know the background while not
loosing the interest or violating the expectations of those who do.
If I haven't yet made it clear, "Infidelity" is an X-Men fan story. And
despite a few minor technical flaws (mainly typos and present/past tense
mixups), a very well written fan story. More, it is a very well written sex
story.
The plot line is simple enough: Jean Gray accidentally finds out that her
husband, Scott Summers (Cyclops) is having an affair with her friend and
teammate Elisabeth Braddock (Psylocke). She is hurt, bewildered, and out for
revenge.
A fairly normal reaction, except that most of us don't have mysterious mutant
psionic powers to help with the last. It looks like Psylocke is in big
trouble. And Cyclops may have to wash his own bologna for a while - assuming
he still has one. But wait! Psylocke has a good reason for her actions and
can explain everything - if Jean will just come by her room at midnight.
To give more detail would be telling. Jean comes, is given a very detailed
explanation by Psylocke and her pain-in-the-ass husband, and after chewing
both their asses out thoroughly decides to forgive them. Read the story.
This synopsis is both accurate and potentially misleading. Even for those
who don't normally care for fan stories or the X-Men may be pleasantly
surprised.
Ratings for "Infidelity"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 10
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9
The following guest review was written by BronwenSM:
"Wolf Dream" by Unknown Author (powerguy@worldnet.att.net). This story
brought home to me just how lazy I am. What with the title and the furry
resume it would've had in the listings, I wouldn't have bothered reading it.
And I'd have missed a good thing.
A woman enjoying a solitary holiday ride over the mountains stops for the
night. She camps out under the stars, falls asleep and dreams of a truly
delicious sexual encounter. But with whom? Is he a man - is he a wolf? And
was it a dream....
I was sorry my old man was asleep when I finished this. It's a sensual,
atmospheric story and, happily, the action is physically possible. Don't know
about you, but I find it off-putting if I'm following a story move-by-move
and the characters do something they couldn't in the position they've
reached. I also liked the woman's attitude. She was comfortable camping alone
and seemed at ease throughout the story. Nothing stereotyped here.
Minor quibbles: in my experience it takes longer than two lines to build a
decent fire. But then that's not what we were there for... Do women have
'tresses' any more? - especially women who wear sports bras (good touch).
Tresses went out with Tennyson - and if they didn't they should have. And one
growl during sexual arousal is enough. We got the message. Cut the growling.
Ratings for "Wolf Dream"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BronwenSM (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review was written by Purple Shade:
"Role Reversal" by The Reverend. Once again the author returns us to the
U.S.S. Voyager and the lust filled desires of Kathryn Janeway. As in "Let
The Punishment Fit The Crime," the good Captain's sexual partner is again the
half-Klingon engineer of the Voyager, B'Elanna Torres. As with many examples
of this road well traveled, a certain touch of dominance appears on the
horizon. On first examination, it looks like the story will follow the
familiar path, when it suddenly veers off on an unexpected turnabout. Hence
the title, "Role Reversal". All in all, an enjoyable tale once more.
In my review of The Reverend's prior two Voyager stories I erred in assuming
that this was a new author. In finally going through the last two months'
downloads, I found a few other female/female stories by The Reverend on
subjects other than Star Trek: Voyager. If you missed them as well, it would
be worth a search for them. {Note from Celeste: An easy way to do this is to
go into DejaNews; find one of The Reverend's stories; and then do an "Author
Search" for the others.}
* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
Two female teachers at Walt Whitman High School go for a run. They need a
shower afterwards, but a gym class is using the girls' showers. The coaches'
shower is also in use. Since no boys' gym class is scheduled, they decide to
sneak into the boys' locker room for a quick shower; but they startle a
straggler who is still taking his shower. Some horseplay follows, and then
they get into some hot threeway sex. I remember seeing a few episodes of
"Room 222," but I don't have a clear recollection of it. I can't really
evaluate this as a parody, but I found it to be a pretty good story in its
own right.
Ratings for "Room 222"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
* "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Miss Hathaway takes Elly May out to some
shops and helps her purchase lots of new clothes. Elly May doesn't see the
point of all this. Then Miss Hathaway buys Elly May a swimsuit, notices that
the girl's tan lines are wrong, and instructs her to lie outside and get a
suntan. She does, and she gets fucked by the family goat. That's right: the
family goat. Kinda surprises you, doesn't it? I mean, if you were going to
write a parody about this really sexy girl from the hills who comes to a rich
community along with her stupid hunk of a brother and her other illiterate
relatives, would you have the only sex be with the family goat? Kinda gets
your goat, doesn't it?
Ratings for "Beverly Hillbillies"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
* "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Richie
Cunningham has to baby-sit for his little sister Joanie, who is not so little
any more. She catches him naked with a hard-on from thinking about his
girlfriend; and she tells him, "Jenny Piccolo said guys like it if you touch
their things. Can I touch yours?" Richie acquiesces, and they're off to the
races. It turns out that Jenny Piccolo also showed Joanie how to perform
fellatio on a banana. Actually, Richie discovers that Jenny Piccolo taught
Joanie so many interesting things that he agrees to let Jenny join them the
next time they fool around together. A negative side effect of the whole
episode is that coaches will no longer be able to inspire Richie by saying,
"A tie is like kissing your sister."
Ratings for "Happy Days"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). I'm
not a big "Love Boat" fan. I've watched a few episodes when I was visiting
other people, and I can recognize most of the characters; but I don't know
much about their personalities. And so I might have missed some of the
subtleties in this parody.
Vickie (the Captain's daughter) has crawled under the bar to do some
cleaning, and she overhears some valley girls making fun of her lack of
sexual experience. That does it! She decides to lose her virginity as soon
as possible. She talks to Isaac, the kindly black bartender who usually
falls in love with a different black chick each voyage, and he very kindly
pops her cherry and lets her suck his cock. Wisely, Vickie goes to Doc (the
blundering guy in the white suit who falls in love with a different white
chick every voyage) to get herself on the pill; and he suggests that maybe
she should talk to her father first, before she becomes sexually active. By
this time I was into the mood of the story. I muttered, "Shut up, Doc. This
is a sex parody of an insipid show. Give her the Pill and then fuck her. If
she talks about it with her father, he'll just screw her anyway!" And so he
did; and so he did; and so he did; and so did several other people."
Ratings for "Love Boat: Cum Aboard"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). At
first I was disappointed with this story. I was expecting a parody of the
Bob Newhart Show in which Bob plays a psychologist in Chicago. Instead I
found a parody of the more recent Bob Newhart Show, in which Bob plays a
writer who is also the owner of an Inn in New England. I wasn't as familiar
with the latter series, and so I expected that I wouldn't enjoy the parody as
much. I was very pleasantly surprised!
The plot is perfect; it actually fits in with the personalities and
mannerisms of the characters. Stephanie (the ditzy, lazy, rich girl who is a
maid but never does any work) develops a rivalry with Joanna, and to prove
her case she seduces Dick (the Bob Newhart character). In retaliation,
Joanna seduces Michael (Stephanie's preppie boyfriend). In further
retaliation, Joanna tricks Stephanie into having sex with Larry and his two
brothers (Daryl and Daryl). Finally, to make amends Joanna makes love to
Stephanie herself.
As I said, the parody is very well done. For example, it is easy to imagine
the Bob Newhart character reacting just the way the author shows him as he is
seduced by the young vixen. I strongly recommend this story.
Ratings for "Newhart"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Doogie Howser is a young adolescent - I
assume maybe 15 or 16 years old. A boy genius, he has already completed
medical school and is an excellent doctor. Each week's episode consists of
poignant and humorous situations that might occur to such a person working in
a hospital. In addition to numerous human-interest anecdotes, each episode
has a common theme running through it - usually having something to do with
the contrast between Doogie's chronological youth and the maturity demanded
by his medical work. To emphasize this contrast, Doogie's faithful sidekick
Vinnie generally hangs around and acts like a normal adolescent.
In this week's episode, Doogie has decided to unload his virginity. There
are a couple of humorous or poignant false starts, but then he makes it with
a corpse down in the morgue. That's right. Uncle Mike has stooped to
necrophilia. Adolescent geniuses sometimes have emotional troubles: "God
help me, I even thought about shoving it in her asshole as well -- but the
sphincter muscles tend to relax after death, and I didn't want to stick my
cock into a load of shit." Vinnie and Doogie conclude that Doogie is now a
non-virgin, even though the partner was "unconscious."
If you're looking for a realistic, erotic sex story, this is not it. On the
other hand, if you want to read a good parody, this is an excellent story.
The author does a great job of inserting bizarre events into the "Doogie
Howser" standard format.
Ratings for "Doogie Howser, M.D."
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Coach" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Christine has planned
a surprise for Hayden. She has left a provocative note inside a special
issue of Playboy Magazine, and now she has sneaked into his office, wearing
nothing but a trench coat and a smile. She has locked the doors, and now she
springs the surprise upon him. Actually, SHE's the one who is surprised.
It's not Hayden there behind the Playboy centerfold, but Dauber, who gives
her cunt the ride of her life.
This short piece is good - but it's not among Uncle Mike's best.
Ratings for "Coach"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Blossom: First Date" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Nick is
having trouble getting a date. He needs something to do on Saturday night,
and his sons have made excuses; his wonderful, kind-hearted daughter agrees
to go to dinner with him. He is worried about Blossom. He has done the best
he could raising her on his own these last few years since the divorce, but
secretly he fears he hasn't done enough. Is she ready for adulthood -- and
adult relationships? One son is a recovering addict, another -- not to put it
too bluntly -- dumb as a rock. Blossom is his last hope.
Well, she kisses well, and gives good head; and her cherry pops pretty
easily. In fact, she's pretty good in the sack.
I am not a "Blossom" aficionado, and so it was hard for me to grasp the
satire. The characters came across as horny, insipid fools; but I suspect
that the author was poking fun at the show. Maybe you Blossomites out there
will enjoy this one more than I did.
Ratings for "Blossom"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). I have never watched an entire episode of
"Father Dowling." I may be wrong, but I had the impression that it had
something to do with a priest and nun working together to solve crimes; but
this story has no detective work in it. Since I know so little, I won't try
to comment any further than that on how well this story works as a parody.
The story focuses on Father Prestwick, who is hearing confessions. Most of
the penitents are old ladies and children, whose "sins" are boring; but then
in comes Mrs. Klimaszewski, the woman in her early 30's who wears no bra and
whose husband is out of town and who confesses her sins of masturbating and
getting it on with the newspaper boy. Since that session has already turned
him on, Father feels predisposed to prod <g> a little when Sister Stephanie
comes in to confess her sins; and pretty soon Sister Steve has another sin -
or several sins, depending on how you count - to confess the next time she
drops by the confessional.
I honestly believe that Catholic priests have gotten a bad rap in recent
years. I think they are every bit as upright and virtuous, although
certainly not as intelligent, as English teachers; and I really don't think
they are any more likely to behave unprofessionally than other people who
work closely with people. I really doubt that the sort of thing described in
this story happens very often. But it sure makes a good story!
Ratings for "Father Dowling"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Home Improvement: Do Not Go Gentle" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Jonathan and Zachary play the roles of the
two older kids on "Home Improvement." Shooting has been canceled for the day
because Tim (the star) and Taron (the other kid) got injured and had to go to
the hospital when Taron tried to hit Tim across the knee with a real board
that the other kids had convinced Taron was a phony board and Tim had
dropped onto Taron a belt sander which he was not holding very securely
because of a burn he had suffered on the job. There! That should
demonstrate the importance of using several short, clear sentences in place
of one long sentence. If the preceding wasn't clear, don't worry. It wasn't
important anyway: it was just a setup, so that Jon and Zach can visit Pat
(the female lead) in her dressing room and have sex with her.
The mischievous lads' basic theory is that since they're probably going to be
fired from the show anyway, they'll rape Pat and then have the producers pay
them off so they won't tell the tabloids they did it. American children are
so creative! More precisely, Pat will come out of her dressing room and
notice that nobody else is there, but she will assume that it is a surprise
party or a bloopers out-take and will just hop into the bed when the guys ask
her to do so. This is so crazy it just might work! But they'll probably
have to tie her up.
Ratings for "Home Improvement"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Dan Rather
had initially been miffed at having Connie Chung assigned as his co-anchor;
but of late he has begun to enjoy the visual pleasantries of having a hot
chick to look at during breaks in the evening news. Imagine his surprise
when Connie confides in him that she and Maury are having trouble getting
pregnant. Imagine his further surprise when she asks Dan to be the sperm
donor - right there on her couch! This is a hot an sexy story. I'll have to
switch from NBC to CBS for my evening news.
The Bad News is that Max Wojtylak recently announced that he is almost out of
these parodies. As you may know, Max himself did not write these stories;
his Uncle Mike did, and Max simply found the stories when he was cleaning up
the hard drive or something like that. My advice to Max is to get Norton
Utilities and run the Unerase program; maybe there are another ten or so
stories buried there. If that doesn't work, try a seance. I really like
these stories; and oddly enough, Uncle Mike seems to write better the longer
he's been dead. Imagine that!
Ratings for "CBS Evening News"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Brady Bunch" by Uncle Mike. (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) This story
raises an interesting question: "What kind of architect would make the six
kids in his blended family share one bathroom?"
The basic plot of this series centered around the minor problems the three
boys and three girls have getting along with each other. This week's episode
is no exception. While Bobby and Greg are raping Marcia in the shower, she
slips and accidentally impales her cunt on Peter's rigid cock. Meanwhile,
Greg loses his balance, and his penis inadvertently slips firmly into
Marcia's mouth. Imagine that. Stranger things have happened on American
sitcoms. This turns out to be such a pleasant experience that Marcia simply
has to share her pleasure with her sister Jan. So she sends Cindy (who is to
young for this sort of thing) to sleep with Mom (and presumably with Dad) and
then goes to work on Jan. Soon we have Marcia sitting on Jan's face while
one guy has a cock buried in Jan's cunt and the other has his rammed down
Marcia's throat. Then Mom opens the door and catches them, but she just
joins in. That's how they all became the Brady Bunch. Sing along now:
That's how they all became the Brady Bunch - the Brady Bunch!
Ratings for "The Brady Bunch"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Married with Children" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). It's
Bud's birthday, and he has decided to take care of his own presents this
year. To make a long story short, he tricks his sister and eventually his
mother into having sex with him by making them think they are helping him
with his magic tricks. This is not a bad story, but it's not up to some of
the brilliant stuff Uncle Mike has written in the past. Although the present
story is closer to perfect stylistically and grammatically, I thought the
"Married with Children" story posted a month ago by King Pach (reviewed in CR
128) was a much more interesting episode.
Ratings for "Married with Children"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Fame" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). This story is based on
the movie and television series of the same title; but knowledge of those
shows is unnecessary. This story about a teacher and student rehearsing for
a dance performance stands on its own. It is replete with arpeggios,
counterpoints, dramatic leaps, abrupt pirouettes, and other subtleties that
rarely occur in light-hearted sex stories. Once the sweat kicks in and the
music charges the emotions, Miss Grant begins to look literally lewd and
lascivious in her lovely, lithe, and luscious little leotard that covers her
palpably pulsating pussy while her pupil plays the piano. Lost in a
delightful daydream about driving his desperate dick into the dark cunt of
his teacher and fatefully fantasizing about her eyes flashing during the
forthcoming fellatio, Bruno strikes a heavy chord when he would have
preferred to remove her g-string, and his faux pas draws the teacher's
attention to his engorged love wand and reminds her that perhaps he has a
different form of rhapsody on his mind.
As Miss Grant changes into her costume behind the portable blackboard, Bruno
realizes that her taut brown body is naked before him but for that one
obstruction, and he tries to regain his composure by concentrating on the
middle arpeggio while stroking his middle appendage. To make a long story
brief, shortly after Miss Grant praises him and encourages him to just keep
it up, Bruno comes wildly in his pants while the devilish dancer accidentally
brushes against his beleaguered body. As he finishes the piece, she moves
away and comments, "Perfect tempo, Mr. Martelli, but you finished too
quickly." More practice seems to be in order - but only after she checks and
tunes his instrument. Damn! He'll have to tell his mother the teacher kept
him after school.
A faux pas occurs! This is a school for the gifted. Shouldn't "I never
thought a teacher could suck cock so good" be more fittingly rendered, "I had
not realized that a teacher could fellate so felicitously"?
This is an exceptionally well-written story. The description and integration
with the musical theme was so well done that I practically came just reading
about the dance scenario - before there was any actual sexual contact. Then
the actual sex was even more vivid. I strongly recommend this story!
Ratings for "Fame"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
Grammar Tip of the Week:
--
+--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+
| story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us |
| Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ |
\ <URL:http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/> .../assm/faq.html> /