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Celestial Reviews 199 - July 16, 1997
Note: I haven't posted my Celestial List of Credulous Assumptions recently.
Keep in mind that other literary and media genres also have their tenuous
assumptions. For example, take the American western movie:
1. Apaches, Commanches, and Sioux Indians were incredibly competent warriors.
Nevertheless, they rode stupidly in circles around wagon trains so that
elderly widows could kill them.
2. Good guys got wounded; bad guys got killed. Ditto for Indians.
3. Even in the most fierce battle, horses never got wounded or killed.
4. Neither colt revolvers nor repeating rifles ran out of bullets, unless the
depletion of ammunition would contribute to the drama of the moment.
5. People who took women captive did not rape them. They just kissed them and
tried to win their love with clever repartee.
6. During gunfights and battles there was a lull in the action to give time
for deathbed speeches.
Etc.
Even more absurd assumptions are present in musicals. My point is that we on
this newsgroup are not alone in having unrealistic assumptions behind some of
our stories. Here's my current list of credulous assumptions that seem to
underlie many a.s.s. stories. Note that this list doesn't even mention the
obvious assumption (often cited by authors in a disclaimer) of a world in
which there is no AIDS or any other sexually transmitted disease. Thanks to
various contributors, my list keeps growing.
1. It is usually possible for a woman to estimate the size of a man's fully
engorged cock by gazing at his crotch when he is unaroused and fully dressed
and over ten yards/meters away.
2. Without the use of scientific instruments men can easily estimate the
size of women's breasts from across the room, even if the woman is fully
dressed. {Actually, this is no big deal, since nearly all attractive women
have 38DD bust sizes anyway.}
3. The normal sequence of sexual experiences is first petting, then oral
sex, then anal sex, then vaginal sex - usually all on the same date.
4. The first boy to touch a girl's breasts will come in each of her three
orifices within the next hour.
5. Most women would intensely enjoy sexual contact with another woman, but
most men would not enjoy sexual contact with another man, even if cultural
biases were eliminated.
6. Children who have sex with their parents normally enjoy this activity and
grow up to be emotionally mature honor roll students who will contribute to
scientific research and to world peace.
7. Ditto for sex with older siblings, kindly neighbors, and random
strangers.
8. When sons, daughters, little brothers, or little sisters ask questions
about sex, the best way to answer their questions is to show them, using
their bodies as part of the demonstration.
9. When a spouse or lover catches his/her partner having sex with someone
else, the typical response is to join in.
10. Women typically have multiple orgasms during every fulfilling sexual
encounter.
11. Middle-aged men can typically have sex with copious ejaculations several
times a day for several days in a row.
10 & 11a. Women and men that can do so are happier and better sex partners
than those who have fewer orgasms.
12. Kids can go blind if they masturbate too often. {Ooops. That one
belongs on a different newsgroup!}
13. Kids who do not masturbate at least daily are severely disturbed.
14. It is important to pop a person's cherry before she gets out of high
school {or gets into high school, has her first date, gets married, buys her
first car, etc.}
15. Women typically enjoy getting raped, once they get over their
inhibitions.
16. Men who force women to have sex with them are sexy.
17. People can be turned into sex slaves by college kids who read a chapter
in a psych book. {Either that are some of these stories are written by Psych
profs who are really desperate to motivate their students to read a chapter
in their text book.}
18. If you ever get turned into a sex slave, it will be the best thing that
ever happened to you.
19. The typical male ejaculation shoots at least 12 inches through the air
{unless the penis is inserted into a receptacle which will terminate this
expulsion. In this case the ejaculate lands with the impact of a speeding
bullet.}
20. Most women ejaculate at least a pint of luscious fluid during a really
enjoyable sexual experience.
21. Most people get turned on when their partner treats them with extreme
cruelty for the partner's own personal gratification.
22. Most black men have "monster cocks." These 12- to 14-inch penises will
thrill any pussy (or other aperture) lucky enough to receive one. Black
women, however, do not have "monster cunts," nor do they appear to be all
that interested in the genitalia of their black brethren. Hence the
reciprocal fondness between black men and white women, especially those known
as sluts.
23. The family that fucks together stays together.
24. It's more fun to have sexual intercourse when there's a genuine risk of
pregnancy. Offspring resulting from unprotected intercourse of minors tend
to be sexy honor students by the time they reach middle school.
25. Nuns {and English teachers, librarians, etc.} are really sexual dynamos.
26. Ain't nothing wrong with most frigid women that a riding crop won't
cure.
27. Guys who go without underpants and have sex several times a day do not
develop a nasty rash.
28. Male doctors get their rocks off during physical examinations of female
patients. Female doctors have multiple orgasms whenever they examine a
beautiful person of either sex.
29. A girl will get her first orgasm from her first intercourse, usually
within minutes after having her hymen torn.
30. Most young girls are looking for experienced men to train them in sexual
practices. They want to start but they don't know anything about it. When
they find these instructors, they will say things like, "Yes, eat my pussy
now!" {Which is a strange request from somebody that doesn't know anything
about sexual practices.}
31. Most women who find that their husbands want to turn them out to their
friends respond, "Sounds like fun."
32. Most boys who are forced to act the part of a girl find that they love
the role. Unless this happens for the first time in a penal institution
other than school.
33. Parents routinely leave their bedroom doors ajar when they intend to
have sex, and kids do so when they intend to masturbate, which they do
noisily above the bed sheets.
34. Nobody ever farts while making love. Especially not during anal
intercourse. And even if they do, its never one of those rancid ones that
linger on and on. And even if it is, the partner thinks its sexy.
35. No one ever gets a cramp while making love. For that matter, no one ever
sneezes or has a nose so filled with snot that it's impossible to breathe,
much less give a blowjob.
36. The woman's vagina never makes that 'farting' noise due to trapped air in
there. If she does, this causes immediate orgasm in both partners.
37. Nobody ever forgets to wipe his/her ass prior to having it licked, which
is unfortunate, because most people absolutely love the taste of human feces.
38. The woman never says "Ouch! I wasn't ready! I'm too dry!" If she thinks
she wants to say these things, she instead says, "Fuck me harder!"
39. Men don't turn over and go to sleep immediately after sex.
40. Women don't fall asleep at the beginning of sex, when they feel so
comfortable and relaxed, and they can just let themselves go.... If they do
fall asleep, their partner regards this as a compliment.
Second note: I was the recipient of an application of the Blowjob Principle
recently. One of my main goals is to make the Blowjob Principle as popular
as, say, Murphy's Law. That is, someday I hope that someone will go into the
office of the CEO of a major company or nation and say, "You goddam idiot!
Don't you even understand that the Blowjob Principle applies here? If a
person expects to get a second blow job, the recipient should make the giver
glad to have performed the first." And the CEO will say, "You're right. You
did a good job on that project, and I neglected to show my appreciation."
Then he'll give the other person a blowjob; but since the Blowjob Principle
is actually a metaphor, the CEO will simply give the other person a raise or
public praise or something like that.
Simply summarized in its application to this group, the Blowjob Principle
states that if you enjoy a story and hope to see more like it, you should
express your appreciation to the author. A simple note that tells the author
you liked the story and why will suffice - a literal blowjob is usually
unnecessary and often impossible.
Third note: Several people have asked how they can post stories anonymously.
Here is some information on anonymous services. In general, these permit
people to post messages without using their ordinary email address and
without any reasonable possibility of their identity being traced.
Information about one such service can be obtained by sending a note to
admin@anon.nymserver.com or email to help@anon.nymserver.com with a blank
message line.
In addition to the above service, the a.s.s.m. FAQ lists these two web sites
that offer free anonymous remailing services: www.POBoxes.com and II.
www.Mailmasher. Another service available through email can be found at
www.EDTec.com.
Fourth note: Someone is reposting the Uncle Mike stories. My advice to you
is to download all these parodies of American sitcoms and other television
shows. I have reviewed 25 of them. I'll repost half of my reviews in this
issue and the rest in CR 200. Meanwhile, I'll try to catch up on those I
missed.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"For Bearing" by Uther Pendragon (pregnant sex) 10, 8, 10
"The United Way" by Mike Hunt (complex spouse watching)
10, 10, 10
"The Same Time Next Year" by Tom (romance) 10, 10, 10
"A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
"Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (humor) 10, 10, 10
"Tease" by Jordan Shelbourne (tease) 10, 10, 10
"Conventional Sex" by the GreatxIam (emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
"Short Stories" by Chuck Williams (short stories) 6, 3, 3
"The Realtor" by Arthur Reily (quickie) 6, 8, 8
"OK" by Robert (family reunion sex) 3, 3, 4
Guest Reviews:
"Let the Punishment Fit the Crime" by The Reverend
"The Rest Is Silence" by The Reverend
"The Vengence Factor" by Warrior874 (bondage & slavery)
3, 5, 4
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been reposted):
* "Leave It to Beaver" by Uncle Mike (TV parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
* "Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99" by Uncle Mike
(holy sex) 10, 10, 10
* "Father Knows Best: The Midnight Ride" by Uncle Mike
(TV sitcom parody) 10, 6, 2
* "Family Affair" by Uncle Mike (TV sitcom parody) 10, 6, 4
* "Andy Griffith" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
* "Welcome Back Kotter" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* "Mary Tyler Moore" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9. 9
* "The Waltons" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 7
* "Family Ties" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 8
* "WKRP in Cincinnati" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 8
*"Three's Company: ... All Cats Are Gray" by Uncle Mike (sitcom
parody) 10, 9, 9
* "A Fly on the Wall" by P. D. Michael (voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
* "Spanish Lessons" by P. D. Michael (wife-watching) 8, 8, 8
* "Cotton Dresses" by P. D. Michael (sex with aunt) 9.5, 10, 10
* "Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (blackmail & revenge)
9.5, 7, 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (outdoor sex) 10, 9, 9
* "The Light In Mother's Window" P. D. Michael (exhibitionism)
10, 10, 10
* "Snow Cave" by P. D. Michael (cold threesome) 10, 9, 9
* "Teacher" by Anne018 (hot ff sex) 10, 10, 10
* "In Your Eyes" by Paddy Toute (romance) 10, 10, 10
"For Bearing" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Jeanette is so pregnant
that sex has become awkward, but they still do it. The action is sweet and
romantic. As I have said before, the child needs to know that mommy and
daddy like each other, and the main thing is that the penis should be removed
before the baby comes out.
The reason for the "8" for plot is that this segment is not a complete story
in itself. The series is still 10-10-10. If you have never read any other
segments in this series, you're likely to be left wondering what in the world
is going on here. On the other hand, those of us who grown to know Jeanette
and Bob will be pleased to see that things are still normal in the Brennan
household.
Ratings for "For Bearing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The United Way" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). Pete and Mary want to have a
baby, but they can't. To put it delicately, Pete's gun works, but it shoots
blanks. Actually, most stories on this newsgroup take non-pregnancy as a
given, but this one uses it as a setup. Well, says I, what can Mike Hunt do
to help Pete and Mary get pregnant in a story entitled "The United Way"?
Yep, it's just as you thought. Mike jerks off in a cup, gives the sperm to
them, and they apply it. No doctors, no hospital, no lab tests. Just
neighbors helping neighbors. Sort of like the United Way. What did you
expect?
But alas, a more direct approach becomes necessary, but things still are not
as simple as you might think. You can read the story for the details.
By the way, I hear NBC is planning to do "Hunter" reruns this fall.
Ratings for "The United Way"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Same Time Next Year" by Tom (laddie@anon.nymserver.com). The idea for
this story came from the movie starring Ellen Burstyn and Alan Alda, in which
the two main characters arranged to meet each other for an annual romantic
tryst at a remote Northern California coast resort between the years 1955 and
1977.
The author's storytelling technique is excellent. He plunges us into a sexy
scene in the middle of the story, then fills us in on the background details,
and then moves to the end of the story. Of course, one should not dangle
one's modifiers: "Even without cleavage, I realized that I was sexually
attracted to her." That sentence says that the speaker (Tom) is the one sans
cleavage, but the deficiency actually describes Cinda. That lapse aside,
this is an excellent story: lots of character development, a well-structured
plot, and hot sex.
As the author points out, this story begs the question of the potential harm
to others caused by marital affairs. In this story, he says, the infidelity
of the main characters is not a betrayal of a spouse, but is rather an act of
self expression. Yeah, right! Look that one up in The Sophist's Dictionary.
I think what he means is that this sounds like fun, but real life is
sometimes less idyllic.
It's been about a year since Tom posted his other two stories: "Birthday
Surprise" and "Thanksgiving." I hope we don't have to wait until the same
time next year for another story!
Ratings for "The Same Time Next Year"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (mrdouble@ix.netcom.com). The title
of this story is a setup. "Uncle Wally" is sort of baby-sitting for the
15-year-old neighbor girl, and she asks him if she should go all the way with
a guy at school. They discuss the matter and he describes one of his early
sexual experiences to her. Of course, the question in the mind of the reader
is whether Uncle Wally is going to hump Pepper. I'm not going to tell you
the answer to that one. If I did, there would be no dramatic tension left in
the story. I will tell you, however, that THE difficult question is one that
I have not yet mentioned. This is a very good story. I especially enjoyed
the natural language and the plausible yet sexy plot development.
This author is an enthusiastic user of my volunteer proofreading service.
The author assures me that this story became substantially better because of
the proofreading process. I encourage other authors to take advantage of
this or a similar service, if they are not already doing so.
Ratings for "A Difficult Question"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com.). Sam is, among
other things, a sidesman at his church. Forced to take the train home from
work, he finds himself in a surrealistic world of sperm-berpers and perky
DoubleTeamingTeens doing it doggie-style. Sam tries to reason with the juicy
teens, but the perverted sex-vixens seem to have run amuck - er, amok - er,
amuck, I guess. To put it bluntly, they just plain love to fuck & suck and
talk dirty on the phone.
You see, what Bronwen has done is compose a coherent story using as many spam
lines from a.s.s. and a.s.s.d. as possible. It's really cute! He should
receive a Well Deserved Spanking from Bare-Bottomed Schoolgirls. Pics at
Eleven.
Ratings for "Sam's Bad Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Tease" by Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com). Sometimes it's possible to
read a lot into a story - even one that's just 500 words long. This story is
about using a sexy story to "tease" a man to work harder. It's also about a
woman who can "tease" a man by the way she conducts herself while bringing
him off with her lips. It's also a "tease" because it leaves us wishing for
more.
Ratings for "Tease"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Conventional Sex" by the GreatxIam. The best thing about this sex story is
that it is much more story than sex, but it's still a great sex story. The
narrator is an 8th-grader in a Catholic school of the 60's. His hormones
have begun to emerge, and he is interested in shedding his image of class
geek. He resorts to pulling a prank on the nuns. He and his friend pull a
commando raid into the convent, and it goes awry. His friend is caught, and
the narrator finds himself in the cell of a naked nun. And a very beautiful
naked nun at that. She becomes his ally and tries to help him escape, but
this effort is thwarted by the pastor's two lean Dobermans.
Returning to the safety of the nun's room, the boy recognizes in the naked
nun some basic elements of anatomy that he has seen only in Playboy magazine.
In short, he has now seen as much of Sister Juliet as he has ever seen of
any woman, even on paper. Good Golly, Sister Molly! Alas, the poor lad has
no means of egress and is essentially cloistered in close quarters with a
naked and nubile nun. Well, they don't cover this sort of thing in nun
school, and there is no patron saint whose job is to watch over oversexed
teenagers putting the moves on nuns.
To put it succinctly, the boy becomes attracted to more than the nape of the
neck of the naked and nubile nun and they fuck happily and harmoniously
throughout the night. If you can set aside the rather tenuous assumption
that the two nasty neophytes are on their way to eternal perdition, you will
find the sex to be passionate and arousing. Except for an age difference
that once was the topic of an algebra problem on the SAT (Sister Juliet was
one year short of being twice as old as her young lover, who was twelve years
younger than she....), this young nun is in essentially the same position as
Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music." My rather non-tenuous assumption is
that once a nun falls off the boat, she might as well fall way off the boat -
and maybe even learn to swim.
As a former Catholic school student, I enjoyed this story immensely.
And so the Seven Dwarfs stayed overnight at a convent near a wildlife
preserve. The next morning, the committee of six sent a representative to
the mother superior to ask if there were any nuns who were under three feet
tall. When the reply was negative, these six began chanting, "Grumpy fucked
a penguin, Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
Ratings for "Conventional Sex"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Short Stories" by Chuck Williams (calldrlove@aol.com). This is a collection
of four stories. In "Hockey Girl 1" Jo Ann is a girl who plays on the co-ed
hockey team in the summer league; but she is a real girl, not a lesbian. In
fact, at parties after the games she is one of those naughty naked nymphos we
hear so much about in the a.s.s. spam. She eventually marries a guy on the
team. End of story.
In "Hockey Girl 2" the narrator is coaching instead of playing hockey. He
has two girls on his team, both real cute and neither of them lesbians. They
fuck real nice. End of Story.
"Sherri and Terry" (third story) are rock groupies. The narrator has a rock
band when he's not coaching hockey or humping hockey players. Wait! You
won't believe this! Neither Sherri nor Terry is a lesbian; and so he and his
friend fuck both of them copiously and ubiquitously - in the dressing room,
in hotels, in their homes, in cars, in the back of their bus, and even in
restrooms. End of story.
There's one more story, but it's not as interesting as these others.
I mean the following comment in the nicest, most constructive way. These are
very bad stories. The author may see something sexy in his mind's eye, but
in order to make it interesting to someone else, he has to develop an angle -
that is, he has to tell the story in such a way as to hold the reader's
interest. I could turn these summaries over to almost any of the authors in
my recent short story contest, and these people could expand them into
fascinating stories that people would want to read. The would accomplish
this through such techniques as giving the plot a focus, spicing the story up
with sexy dialogue, developing the personalities of the characters, and using
language in surprising or clever ways. In their current format, these
stories simply are not worth reading. If this author seriously wants to have
an audience, he should imitate the techniques of some of the excellent
authors who post on this newsgroup.
Ratings for "Short Stories"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"The Realtor" by Arthur Reily (Kristen's collection). Several weeks ago a
reader wrote to me about my own story, which he referred to as "Virtuous
Realty." I pointed out that my story was really a pun on "Virtuous Reality"
and had nothing to do with selling or buying houses. However, since that
time I have been watching just in case anyone has actually tried to develop a
"Virtuous Realty" plot.
This one is close, but no cigar: "Virtuoso Realty" maybe, but certainly not
"Virtuous." It's a "true" story about a guy who goes to buy a house and the
agent screws him and helps him make an earnest deposit. If you look past the
grammar, it's actually a brief but hot story.
Ratings for "The Realtor"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"OK" by Robert (Kristen's Collection). I had time for a very short story,
and so I chose this one, which Kristen says was sent to her by a 12-year-old
boy who had a crush on her. It's about a 30-year-old man who goes to a
family reunion and is seduced by a 12-year-old cousin and then humps everyone
else in the family. I can believe this was written by a 12-year-old. The
grammar sucks worse than Sandy does; the guy comes more often than anyone
outside the spam lists; and we have no idea how anyone feels about anything.
If that's your kind of story, you'll be glad to know there's going to be a
sequel.
Ratings for "OK"
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
The following guest review was written by Purple Shade.
"Let the Punishment Fit the Crime" and "The Rest Is Silence" by The Reverend.
In the beginning, more years ago than I care to remember, there was STAR
TREK. It was followed, an actual generation later, by STAR TREK - THE NEXT
GENERATION. Which in turn was followed by DEEP SPACE NINE and VOYAGER.
Since those early beginnings, long before the advent of the INTERNET, there
has been STAR TREK FAN FICTION. A large part of which has been ADULT
FICTION. The latest additions to this long tine are two new Voyager stories
by THE REVEREND entitled "LET THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME" and "THE REST IS
SILENCE"
Both stories follow the lesbian lusts of Captain Kathryn Janeway. Punishment
follows a familiar theme, a coupling of Janeway with her half Klingon
engineering officer B'Elanna Torres. Although this is a road much traveled,
the author does a good job with this outing.
The second tale involves a character that is scheduled to appear on the TV
series next fall, namely that of a female Borg called 'Seven of Nine." Lost
without the embrace of the collective, she quickly finds solace in a much
different embrace, that of the arms of everyone's favorite female Captain.
Both stories are short but well written. It is very hard to work with
established characters because everyone has an opinion of how that character
should be depicted. The author handles it well and remains true to their TV
personas.
For what I'm assuming is a first effort, both stories left a desire to see
more work by The Reverend.
The following guest review was written by Tooshoes.
"The Vengence Factor" by Warrior874. I was immediately on guard when I found
a spelling error in the title, but I was surprised to find that spelling
wasn't much of a problem. Apparently the author was careful enough to use a
spell checker. Still, The Vengence Factor is riddled with technical and
grammatical errors which could have been caught easily with a simple proof
reading.
The first few pages caught my interest, describing a setting that would be
familiar to any Star Trek fan. An appealing young women, Julie, was taking
her first adventurous look out into a big universe, on a space cruise known
as the Pleasure Star.
Little does she know that her father has an archenemy, Raven, who hijacks the
ship, kills her father and enslaves her out of revenge -- or maybe because
he's just that kind of guy.
After that, the story turns into a simple mind control tale, with infrequent
creativity, lots of pain, until at long last, Raven rapes and brainwashes
every last bit of resistance out of Julie. Now she's a totally willing slave.
Ah, yes, a happy ending.
A happy ending to the story, that is, not to this review.
{Note from Celeste: I agree with this review. I had trouble finding a
reviewer to review this story. Two people told me they were unwilling to
review it, because it looked like a "juvenile torture story." I think their
point was that it's not very interesting to read about new ways that
dysfunctional adolescents could inflict sexual pain on people. If there's
going to be pain, fine; but it should have a reason, and people should react
to it in a realistic way.}
Ratings for "The Vengence Factor"
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 5
Tooshoes (appeal to reviewer): 4
* "Leave It to Beaver" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). This is
one of a whole set of parodies of old TV sitcoms. They even come with a
cover story: Uncle Mike passed away, and Mom inherited the computer, and the
gentleman who posted these stories found them on the hard drive and decided
to share them with us.
This story begins with Beaver secretly watching Wally flog his hog. While
Wally is gone, Beaver finds the Playboy magazine and tries it himself - only
to be discovered by his mom. Rather than rebuking him or making him feel
guilty, June gently explains the facts of life to her son. Then she gives
him a practical demonstration of how to please a woman. We also discover why
June always wore those pearls around her neck.
This was an enjoyable story. There's nothing complicated about the style or
the plot. Some of it is actually good psychology - but some of it is
bizarre, just like the original show. Someone might point out that in real
life mothers would be ill advised to have sex with their pre-teenage
children; but then they would be equally ill advised to name a child Beaver
in the first place.
Ratings for "Leave It to Beaver"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
* "Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Legend has it that in the days of yore -
possibly back when television sitcoms were black and white - there existed a
weekly series called "The Flying Nun." I know not who was in the show nor
the content thereof; and so I cannot tell whether this story is a parody of
that show, and so I shall respond to this as a tale of inspiration in its own
right.
This story tells of a poor farmer in a land called Italy who was possessed by
a demon that revealed itself to the world through an appendage between the
farmer's legs. One day a flying nun appeared from the sky, and on that and
successive occasions the farmer persuaded the nun to help him draw the demon
out of his body. The nun pursued her holy task with great vigor and through
noble stratagems did indeed draw the bilious fluid of the demon out of the
man; but alas on each occasion the demon had returned by the time of the
nun's next visit, and the process of exorcism needed to be repeated many
times. Fortunately, the nun enjoyed her holy chore and kept laboring at it
with the patience of Jezebel.
This is an excellent story. It reminds me that back when I was in Catholic
elementary school we had to give our pastor a "Spiritual Bouquet" for his
golden anniversary. He thanked our class, as he read it out loud: "....21
masses, 17 rosaries, 50 Our Fathers, 70 Hail Marys, 400 ejaculations...."
And then he laughed. To us, an ejaculation was a short prayer, such as
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, pray for us." To our pastor the word had a more
interesting meaning, which I suppose he heard about in the confessional. I
don't think he thought the fifteen boys in our class were up to the task of
400 ejaculations prior to graduation. In retrospect, I don't think the nun
who taught the class had any idea what the pastor was laughing about.
Ratings for "Flying Nun"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Father Knows Best: The Midnight Ride" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Jim Anderson gets a late-night phone call
from his daughter Betty, asking him to come and pick her up at the Thompsons'
house, where she was supposed to stay over after baby-sitting. When he
reaches her, Betty explains that Mr. and Mrs. Thompson had tried to molest
her. Jim drives his Princess to a quiet place, explains that what had
happened was her fault, and proceeds to fuck her himself. This doesn't
bother her; in fact, she enjoys it, because Father Knows Best! Gimme a
break!
The first two stories I reviewed by Uncle Mike I liked better than this one.
This is supposed to be a parody of the old "Father Knows Best" sitcom; but
the characters are so far out of their ordinary TV roles that it just didn't
come off to me as a parody. If you want a simple incest story masquerading
as a parody with a moral to the story, you may enjoy this one. I didn't.
Ratings for "The Midnight Ride"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
* "Family Affair" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). When
evaluating a parody of "Family Affair," it is important to keep in mind that
that story itself was an unintentional parody of American life. Uncle Bill
was played by the insipid Brian Keith, a man completely devoid of enthusiasm
and hardly capable of sustaining an erection, much less of having an orgasm.
Occasionally he would have a date with a woman even more insipid than
himself; but they would inevitably break up because of Uncle Bill's devotion
to the children, whose names were Buffie and Jodie. Presented with names
like that, I could never remember which was the boy and which was the girl.
The issue was further confused by the fact that the girl was a tomboy and
the boy a sissy. Even more confusing was the fact that the older sister -
the very embodiment of the word insipid - was named Cissy. The three
children were obviously unusual, but it was never clear to me whether the
trauma that caused their peculiarity was the sudden demise of their parents
or the fact that they had to live with Uncle Bill.
How this show survived without a flying nun or two I'll never understand.
Each episode would present new problems, which Uncle Bill would solve from
his easy chair without moving his lips; and then the ebullient Mr. French
would correct all the mistakes Uncle Bill made. Mr. French did not solve
these problems through his own wisdom, but rather by consulting with the
ubiquitous nannies whose influence is so conspicuous among American children
and who sit in their places of honor each day except Sunday on the benches of
Central Park.
So in this story Cissy goes to her first formal dance; her boyfriend gets
drunk and obnoxious; Cissy comes home feeling more insipid than usual; and
Uncle Bill comforts her, dances with her, and then fucks her brains out.
This story is clearly written, and the author has all the names right, but a
plot like this is hard for me to imagine. Readers can interpret this as
either (a) an actual romance about a dysfunctional guy who boinks the
teenager entrusted to his care (in which case it's a pretty lame story), or
as (b) a satire that lacks bite.
Ratings for "Family Affair"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
* "Andy Griffith" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Two little
boys were arguing about the prestige of their parents. "My father is a
doctor," said one. "I get free medical care. I can be healthy for nothing."
The other boy replied, "Big shit! My father's a minister. I can be good for
nothing." I modified his story a little, but this is probably the first time
my pastor has been quoted on this newsgroup, although I suspect his picture
has appeared on one of the others. More relevant to this review - Opie was
the son of Sheriff Andy of Mayberry, and so he was good for nothing.
This story begins with Opie transporting a peach pie from Aunt Bea to Helen
Crump, who happens to be preoccupied at the time with Thelma Lou, who is
deeply engrossed in Helen's hair pie. Opie is what them city fellers call
transfixed, holdin' onto that peach pie in one hand and rubbin' his penis
with the other. Well, it seems that Opie has been under the influence of
Ernest T. Bass or a city slicker or something, 'cause when Thelma Lou leaves
he goes into Helen's house and tells her that he's going to blow the whistle
on her unless she gives him a real good blow job. And she does. But Opie
doesn't stop there. He says he wants to fuck her. And he does. And Miss
Crump moans and bucks just like a regular woman. And Helen says maybe next
time he could fuck Thelma Lou too. And when Opie walks out and goes home,
he's whistlin' all the way.
Ratings for "Andy Griffith"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Welcome Back Kotter" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Mr.
Kot-terrrr's wife Julie finds a love note that seems to indicate that Gabe
has been doing the horizontal lambada with a female Sweathog. She resolves
to teach both Gabe and the vixen a lesson. But then Vinnie Barbarino and
Freddy Washington show up on the fire escape, and Julie switches to plan B.
The guys are seeking counseling from Mr. Kotter regarding how to make a
better impression on Chrissy, who happens to be Gabe's Sweathog Playmate. A
sudden inspiration hits Julie, and she knows how to teach everyone a lesson.
Rather than an abstract lecture, Julie gives Vinnie and Freddy hands-on
practice. When Arnold Horshack shows up, all her orifices are covered. When
Gabe arrives home after "work," Julie has a riddle for him: "If a bird in the
hand is better than two in the bush, what's better than a bird in the hand?
Give up? A bird in the mouth AND two in the bush!" Gabe doesn't get it.
Serves him right!
Ratings for "Welcome Back Kotter"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Mary Tyler Moore" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Mary needs
some time off, and Mr. Grant is unwilling to give it to her. Finally, she
whines in her inimitable way that she'll "do anything for it." Mr. Grant's
eyes light up in response to an evil thought: "You'll do anything, Mary?
ANYthing?" So Lou finally gets the blow job he's always wanted from Mary;
and Mary figures it's over. But then Ted walks into the office; and to keep
him quiet Lou lets him fuck Mary; and to placate Mary for this humiliation,
Lou gives her a second week off. But then Murray walks into the office, and
we have another emboikment and another week's vacation. And then Gordie the
weather man walks into the office... This is a pretty good parody. Mary,
Lou, and Ted are done best; it's easy to imagine these TV characters doing
what they do in this story.
Ratings for "Mary Tyler Moore"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "The Waltons" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Erin and Jason,
the 12- and 13-year old children of the Walton clan go off to a field and
watch horses copulate. They marvel, and Erin tries to get Jason to explain
the process to her more clearly, but Jason doesn't know much himself.
Eventually they experiment by examining Jason's sexual anatomy and then
Erin's; and after that Erin suggests that Jason and she might want to imitate
the horses. They quickly discover the missionary position, which they prefer
to horsy style; and soon they are having sex regularly. Then one day their
older sister Mary Ellen catches them in the act. So Jason fucks her too -
after Erin primes her, of course. A prologue tells us that eventually the
rest of the kids join the fun as well.
This is an interesting story about kids having sex with each other on the
farm; and I guess it's fun to associate the activities with the various
Walton kids. I have trouble with parodies, however, when the people get too
far out of character. These kids all behave as if their irresponsible
parents have taught them nothing about sex. I have an overwhelming
impression that the parents and grandparents in the Walton series would have
done a better job of raising their kids.
Ratings for "The Waltons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "Family Ties" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). All the members
of the Keaton family are going on a family camping trip, except Alyse, who
has a cold and must stay home alone. Nick the Boyfriend has prepared some
spiked orange juice with which to console himself in the wilds.
Unfortunately, Nick leaves his brew at the Keaton house, and Alyse wolfs it
down in an attempt to ingest some vitamin C. Skippy comes by to visit, and
the drunken Mrs. Keaton comes on to him. He fucks her a couple of times and
leaves just as the others are returning from their miserable trip.
This story would have had more potential if more of the family members had
been in it. Having Skippy fuck Alyse is probably not the most creative way
to parody this series.
Ratings for "Family Ties"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "WKRP in Cincinnati" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Jennifer
is feeling horny. She has agreed to baby-sit for a large Russian wolfhound
while its owner went to dinner with Herb. When Jennifer crawls under the
desk to get a piece of paper, she gets stuck there; and she finds it not
entirely unpleasant when she finds the dog licking and then fucking her
panty-less cunt. In gratitude, she even gives the hound a blow job. Aside
from this healthy dose of bestiality, the story also contains humor that runs
generally parallel to that in the TV series.
Ratings for "WKRP in Cincinnati"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Three's Company: ... All Cats Are Gray" by Uncle Mike (Red Dragon Repost).
In this week's episode Jack rushes into the bedroom to save Janet from a
rapist, but it turns out to be her boyfriend, who departs in anger. To make
amends, Jack is required to finish what the boyfriend had begun - a sort of
surrogate coitus no-more-interruptus. Well, this event changes their
lifestyle; but since Chrissy is such a demure young lady, Jack and Janet feel
obligated to avoid scandalizing her. What Jack really wants is to boink
Janet's cute little asshole, but she won't permit that, but one day Janet and
Jack blow a fuse while they are making love and a casserole, and Jack goes to
fix it, and Chrissy comes back from someplace, and Janet goes someplace else;
and so Jack sees Chrissy's asshole in the dark and thinks it's Janet's and
starts fucking it, but then the lights come back on and Janet says, "What's
this?" and they all laugh and fuck like bunnies in heat.
Ratings for "Three's Company
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "A Fly on the Wall" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Two beautiful
librarians were painting the condominium that they shared. Because it was
hot and because they were hot for each other, they were naked. The intercom
buzzed, and the doorman said they had a visitor. When they asked who it was,
he answered, "A blind man." Being very chaste women, they would normally
have gotten dressed before letting a caller into the room, but since the guy
was blind, they just said, "Send him up!" and continued with their work.
When they heard a knock at the door, one of them swung the door open in her
naked splendor, and the young man gawked at them, and a tent suddenly
appeared in his pants. When he recovered his voice, he asked, "Where do you
ladies want these venetian blinds?"
That joke was originally about nuns, but I decided to give nuns and the Amish
a break this week.
The present story is about a blind woman. A young voyeurist takes advantage
of her blindness and sneaks inside her apartment, so that he can gaze upon
her naked beauty without her knowing that he is there - like a fly on her
wall. The woman masturbates in front of him. {I suppose maybe that's how
she got to be blind.} Well, she figures out that he's there {the guy was so
horny that even I could smell his precum across cyberspace}, but she doesn't
get upset. Instead, she invites him to have passionate sex with her. It's a
very good story, but not quite as good as my librarian joke.
Ratings for "A Fly on the Wall"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Spanish Lessons" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The husband has
been fooling around; and the conservative, virtuous wife has become upset.
To set matters straight, they decide that she should have a fling of her
own. Once the wife discovers the thrill of infidelity, there's no stopping
her. The husband finds his pleasure in watching her get boinked by Raoul and
his friends.
Ratings for "Spanish Lessons"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Cotton Dresses" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The narrator has a
bit of a fetish for girls in cotton dresses. It stems from the day that he
first copped a feel from a girl in a cotton dress. The girl had told her
mother, and the two of them had come to his aunt's house (where he was
staying) and demanded that he be punished. While they berated him, he became
visibly turned on; and this simply stimulated the vicious circle of arousal,
if you know what I mean. Anyway, the aunt, who also owned several cotton
dresses, found it necessary to give him some sex education. The story never
does mention what the boy's punishment was.
Ratings for "Cotton Dresses"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The
narrator's sister-in-law, Cheryl, is a snotty bitch who always puts him down
in front of other people. An opportunity to gain revenge arises when he
happens to see her with another man. He gives her the impression that he has
tapes of their romp at the motel, and the blackmail project is underway. So
he has sex with her and humiliates her and lives happily ever after. It's a
pretty good (but not quite complete) story.
Ratings for "Call It Even Someday"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Some guys who have been
long-time friends take their wives camping in Algonquin Park in Ontario. One
day they play a game where each of the wives is taken to a secluded spot in a
game of hostage. She is blindfolded and tied to a stake. The wife who
relates this story is pleasantly surprised when her husband returns and
starts to fondle her. Just prior to entry, the blindfolded woman realizes
that it's not her husband after all!
Ratings for "Stake Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "The Light In Mother's Window" P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Back in
the 1940s the kids used to hang out after dark and look through windows to
see who was getting naked and who was getting screwed. A primary gathering
place was outside the window of the narrator's mother. Even the narrator
himself used to spend hours outside Mom's window, watching her play with
herself or with someone else. Mom was a virtuoso, but that doesn't mean she
was a virtuous woman.
Times have changed. Back then, people didn't have air conditioning; and so
they left their windows open, and the kids had something to look at.
Nowadays, we have air conditioning, and most people close their windows and
their curtains; but kids have dirty videotapes and sex on the Internet.
Maybe that's what's wrong with the baby-boomers! They grew up after air
conditioning but before vicarious sex had become easily abundant.
Ratings for "The Light In Mother's Window"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Snow Cave" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@gold.interlog.com). Maude has been
abandoned by her husband in a blizzard. She and two men have burrowed into a
snow cave, where it is necessary to cuddle together to keep warm. Of course,
it also helps to do something that generates a little heat in order to
maintain the level of warmth needed to sustain life. The idea of making love
with two eager strangers in a cocoon of sleeping bags in a pitch dark cave
certainly does have its erotic elements. With any luck there'd be a snow cave
for the night.
Ratings for "Snow Cave"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Teacher" by Anne018 (Anne018bi@aol.com). {Note: This author has reposted
this story with revisions. I am merely repeating my original review here.}
One of my favorite approaches for hot sex stories is to have two scenes going
at one time. Mark Aster does this by having Our Hero make love to one of the
Allen sisters while the other sister has passionate sex nearby with someone
else. The author alternates between descriptions of both couples, and often
the participants are motivated by something one of the others does. Many
authors achieve a similar effect by focusing on voyeurism: one couple gets
hot and bothered while watching another couple making love. Plainman
sometimes has three sequences nested in his narratives.
The present story uses a similar technique: While Anne is taking a walk with
Sandy, she describes to Sandy her experience of visiting another person to
help that person and a friend get over a cold feet problem during their
first-time lesbian tryst. While you and I read the story, we get turned on
by the hands-on assistance Anne offers to the other couple; and meanwhile
Sandy has removed her top, her nipples have hardened, they have reached a
quiet place by the lake, and my pussy is becoming moist. In other words, the
author combines the two sets of activities very effectively, and the effect
on the reader can be very nice indeed.
In short, at the most intense point of action, Anne is watching the two
novices and is getting all turned on, while she is fingering her pussy and
giving them instructions. Those two people are lost in heavenly rapture.
Sandy, who is getting hot and bothered listening to Anne retell this story,
begins to respond by removing some of her clothes and becoming increasingly
intimate with the storyteller. Anne is getting turned on both by recalling
the original incident and by what Sandy is doing to her. As the story
continues, these different storylines combine and interact. Meanwhile, I as
the reader, am experiencing all of the above.
Like I said, it's an interesting approach.
One thing that I found to be really irritating in this story is that both the
person to whom Anne is narrating this story and one of the novices to whom
Anne gave instructions are named Sandy. In real life this could happen, of
course; but in fiction, why not help the reader out by using two different
names? Occasionally, I would hear someone asking, "Did Sandy do this?"
Sometimes I had to stop and think which Sandy was talking. In general,
however, the context helped me out, so that this wasn't as big a problem as
it might have been. My advice to the author is to use the Replace function
on her word processor to change the novice Sandy to Penelope or Rachel or
maybe even Yvette.
Ratings for "Teacher"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "In Your Eyes" by Paddy Toute (paddy22@aol.com). {Note: This author has
reposted this story with revisions. I am merely repeating my original review
here.} After a romantic dinner Paddy's lover takes her back to her apartment
and fucks her. I normally don't like these second-person (you) stories - and
I honestly believe that this one would work better in the third person - but
this one is so tender and descriptive that I'm going to let that element
slide.
When I saw this title, I thought I recognized it. I looked in my database
under "Eyes," and I verified that this was a new story. But what I also
discovered is that I have now read four stories containing this word, and all
of them have received straight 10's. They're all good stories. I'll repost
the reviews, and maybe the authors will repost the stories.
Ratings for "In Your Eyes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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