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Celestial Reviews 194 - June 28, 1997
Note: What is this world coming to? In CR 191 I used the term "animal
magnitude." I obviously meant "animal magnetism." Hello! Is anybody home?
Usually I get a bag of fan male and Grammaticus writes me a poem when I make
a gaff like that. Doesn't anyone love me anymore?
Second note: Don't bother writing. I know how to spell fan mail. I just
thought "fan male" was an interesting concept and might get your attention in
that context.
Third note: In the past my free proofreading service has been quite helpful
to some authors. However, many of the e-mail addresses in my file are out of
date. If you are still interested in helping out by reading and commenting
on stories before authors post them, please contact me and give me your
current e-mail address. I promise not to do anything improper with this
information.
Fourth note: What ARE some good ways to post anonymously nowadays. People
ask me this question, and I honestly don't know the answer. An advantage of
AOL is that we are allowed five screen names, and I assure my privacy by
using Celeste801 for my Celestial Reviews and another for more mundane
activities. If someone sends me information on how to post anonymously, I'll
share it.
Fifth note: I once criticized the THC Archives for posting mediocre stories.
Maybe it's my imagination, but I think they have gotten better lately. I
think what really may be happening is that Tommy is reposting both his same
old stuff plus some new stuff, and the stories he has more recently added -
which include some of the ones that I've been reviewing - are generally
better.
Anyway, I discovered that Tommy is selling a CD-ROM with lots of stories on
it for $19.95. I mention this not to advertise his service, but to pose a
problem. Is it OK for a person or company to make a profit off the stories
of other people, when the original authors will receive no compensation? I
know of one very good author who decided to stop posting stories here when
she discovered that the Backdrop Club was offering similar sets of stories
(including some of her own) for sale.
Please do not crap on me for the following opinion. I do not sell anyone's
stories, and I do not intend to start doing so. I merely think there is an
issue that needs to be discussed, and this note may be the best forum to
start that discussion. My personal feeling is that it does NOT bother me
that someone would offer this service. Here are my reasons:
(1) $19.95 is not an exorbitant price for a CD-ROM. I doubt that Tommy can
quit his day job and sell these stories instead. I think it is legitimate to
say that he is selling the SERVICE of bringing the stories together, rather
than accepting a royalty for something he has published. However, I am also
aware that American courts would not accept this explanation if he performed
this "service" by putting the works of Danielle Steele and John Updike on
CE-ROM.
(2) If Tommy sells 10,000 stories for $19.95 and divided the profits among
himself and the authors, the royalties to individual authors would be
negligible, even if he sold lots of copies and found a feasible way to
distribute these royalties.
(3) I think what Tommy is doing is different than publishing the stories in
a magazine. If, say, Penthouse or Playboy posted my reviews without paying
me, I'd sue them and win.
(4) I think Tommy himself is running a risk by trying to sell these stories.
I am not a lawyer, nor am I married to one (as you can easily ascertain from
the fact that I have a happy sex life with a normal human being), nor do I
even play a lawyer on TV; but it seems to me that if an author sued Tommy for
selling stories that he/she had copyrighted, that person would win the
lawsuit. The difference between Tommy and Penthouse is that Penthouse makes
enough money to be worth suing, whereas Tommy does not. If Tommy ever
becomes successful, he had better watch his ass: the people whose stories he
is selling know where he lives.
(5) What I do object to is that Tommy often reposts stories that (a) have
the author's name removed or (b) are first or second chapters of multi-part
stories for which the later chapters cannot be located. I doubt that Tommy
actually removes the names of the authors - and in fact I have noticed a
trend with his more recent reposts to preserve the names; but I think it is
essential to give credit to the authors whenever this is possible.
If others have comments, I would be happy to summarize them to some extent in
future issues of CR, or you can continue this discussion amongst the spam on
a.s.s.d.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Wet T-Shirt Contest" by Mike Hunt (elevator and phone sex)
10, 10, 10
"Number Four" by Jake (femdom) 10, 9, 8
"Between the Races" by Radioman (interracial sex) 10, 10, 10
"Miss-Placed" by Stephanie (futuristic TG sex in the Wild West)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Exchange Program" by Clint Quinn (sci fi sex) 10, 10, 10
"The Other Side" by Unknown Author (wife watching) 10, 7, 8
"Goldilocks" by Robert Mitchell (fairy tale sex) 10, 10, 10
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been reposted):
* "Not Really Cheating" by Dave Schulte (mutual
masturbation) 10, 10, 10
* "Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (romance) 10, 10, 10
* "Once You're Rubbed" by Amy (Romance) 10, 8, 8
* "Once You're Rubbed by Amy" by Backrub (Romance) 10, 10, 10
"Wet T-Shirt Contest" by Mike Hunt (MrMike@aol.com). There are some things
that people just don't really think about. For example, the guy that pours
the water on the young ladies in a wet T-shirt contest has a hard job. Not
only is it hard, it's also difficult. He has to wet down the right parts and
only those parts of the contestants. This requires technique. This requires
savoir faire.
Which reminds me. Mike Hunt gets really pissed when my reviews are funnier
or sexier or more literate or all of the preceding than his stories. I'll
try to stop that, but it may be hard. Nevertheless, since I've used a hard
word - I mean a difficult or unusual phrase - I think I had better explain
what "savoir faire" means. My dictionary defines the concept as "knowing
just what to do in any situation; tact." That defintion doesn't do the term
justice. I can do better with a series of examples:
If a Frenchman comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man and
says, 'Pardonnez moi!' that is ALMOST savoir faire.
If the same Frenchman instead says, 'Pardonnez moi. Continuez, s'il vous
plait!' that's EVEN CLOSER to savoir faire.
But if the Frenchman says, 'Pardonnez moi. Continuez, s'il vous plait!' and
then the other man - if he continuez, that IS savoir faire!
Anyway, savoire faire and gaucherie aside, Mike Hunt was assigned the
responsibility of wetting the T-shirts during the contest, and he was working
hard <literally> while he performed his chores.
I have a friend who used to be a priest. He once told me that he used to put
ice cubes into the baptismal water, because then the baby would yell out in
shock at the actual moment of baptism, and this would make it sound like the
devil was indisputably going out of the child. Symbolism is wonderful. Mike
Hunt likewise used ice cubes in his water during the contest, also to bring
out the devil, so to speak. Cold tits are rich in symbolism.
Mike Hunt found that his job was easier if the girls cooperated. For
example, if they stuck their chests way forward, then it was easier to keep
the water on their tits where it belonged, rather than on their hair or the
floor.
Big problem. Contestant Number 3, a major character in this story, was
Francis from Phoenix, AZ. I guess people can spell their own names anyway
they want; but unless this is a TG story, Number 3 was probably Frances.
Sometimes people named Francis call themselves Fanny. That name is in the
punchline of a joke about St. Peter and ladies applying for heaven, which was
told to me by the priest with ice cubes to whom I referred earlier in this
review.
Well, as time went on, Mike Hunt got better and better at his job - I suppose
because he was working harder and harder. He became really great at
tit-watering. His main job during the contest was to bait the crowd, and he
quickly became a master at this task. There may already be even more puns in
this review than there are in the story itself, and so I'll let you complete
this one about being a master at baiting.
So you may think this is a story about strippers and voyeurism and such. But
it's not! It's mostly a combination elevator-sex and phone-sex story.
That's right. After the contest Mike Hunt gets stuck on a crowded elevator
with Francis, and the elevator gets stuck between floors, and Francis's fanny
(see above) gets stuck into Mike Hunt, and.... Never mind, you can read the
story yourself. I'll just tell you the other joke.
So these three women have died and have arrived before the gates of heaven,
where St. Peter interviews them. {Peter could actually be a funny name in
this story, because some people refer to a dick as a peter, but that's not
relevant to this joke; so just assume that Peter is really the name of the
"person" who keeps a book of good and bad deeds at the gate of heaven.
Q. Who keeps the book at the Gate of Heaven?
A. No. What is the name of the person who keeps the book at
the Gate of Heaven. Who is seated at the right hand of God.
For more of this nonsense, read my story "Virtuous Reality," which includes
an interview with Madonna and which I recently reposted on a.s.s. and
a.s.s.m.} Anyway, the first lady comes forward and St. Peter says to her,
"You were so selfish and avaricious that you were named Penny. Depart to
hell for all eternity." To the second lady St. Peter says, "You were such an
excessive and immoderate drinker of wine that you were named Sherry. Depart
to hell for all eternity." The third woman just walks away. St. Peter says,
"Where are you going?" She replies, "Why bother? My name is Fanny."
Ratings for "Wet T-Shirt Contest"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Smith (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Number Four" by Jake (THC Archives). This is a short but clearly-written
story about a man who takes a submissive position and waits for his mistress
to come home and use him as a sextoy. She brings a friend, and they use him
briefly but well. I am not a bdsm enthusiast, and one of the criteria by
which I evaluate such stories is whether it conveys any emotion to me as an
outsider. This one may be effective for insiders (bdsm aficionados), but it
really didn't do much for me.
Ratings for "Number Four"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Smith (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Between the Races" by Radioman. Jerry gets dragged off to an art show by a
friend. He doesn't really understand art; but he meets an artist named
Maleeka at the show, and they develop and intense and immediate attraction to
each other.
I have this egalitarian quirk that makes me think that people should respect
members of other races and treat them as equals. A lot of the stories that
are labeled "interracial" are not very egalitarian at all. Usually there is
a black guy with a monster cock and a white woman who craves to be satisfied
by this animal. They're not all that bad, but I can often almost see the
author leering at me through the lines of the story.
This one is different. Jerry obviously gets off on the notion that this lady
is black, but it's not as if blackness is an oddity of some sort. Likewise,
Maleeka is obviously aware that Jerry is white, but it's not as if she's
merging with the master race by being allowed to have sex with him. This is
a really nice, intelligent story.
Ratings "Between the Races"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Smith (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Miss-placed" by Stephanie (stephanie@nym.alias.net). Julian and Tony live
some time in the future, and they have decided to take their vacation for two
weeks at Dodge City, where androids recreate activities from the American
Wild West. In addition, a sophisticated form of virtual reality enables the
customers to project themselves into the bodies of android replicas of
themselves, thus giving them the chance to experience the Wild West
firsthand. As fate would have it, something goes awry, and Julian finds
himself placed inside the body of an attractive female android. To be
specific, he is inside the body of a dancing girl - and dancing girls in the
nineteenth century sometimes moonlighted at a profession even older than
dancing.
I'm sure there are bad TG stories on Usenet, but those that I have read are
almost always well written and extremely creative. This probably has
something to do with the authors whose work I select. Almost all TG stories
reflect on what a person might feel like if he (it's almost always a man)
suddenly changes his gender. It becomes necessary for him to look at sexual
activities from a different perspective. Guys who used to be exploitive in
their relationships with women have the opportunity to find their tender
side, and they eventually get the opportunity to be on the receiving rather
than the giving end of a fucking relationship. This all happens in this
story against a background of both futuristic science fiction and an
old-fashioned cowboy story.
I found what I thought were some logical fallacies in this story. For
example, Julian goes an awful long time without food. I'm sure that if you
look closely, you'll find more. But don't bother. The "Back to the Future"
movies had major logical inconsistencies; but if I didn't look too hard, I
enjoyed those shows immensely. The same thing is true here. Don't analyze
too much: just read the story and enjoy it.
A more serious annoyance arose from the fact that the author posted this
story in serial fashion. This means that the author could not make
adjustments in earlier chapters when these became necessary because of later
plot developments. This also necessitated occasional summaries that
disrupted the logical progression of the story. For example, Part 8 begins
with several paragraphs that review the action up to that point. This
information was necessary only because there had been a time lag between the
author's posting of the 7th and 8th parts; but since I was reading the story
consecutively, I did not need this summary, and it was distracting. Finally,
I wasn't as impressed with the ending as I was with the rest of the story. I
thought it was a bit forced. I honestly believe that this sort of letdown is
likely to happen more often in serialized stories than when the author writes
the whole story before posting it.
However these shortcomings are minor. I supppose I just feel the urge to
lecture a really good author once in a while - kinda like the way I like to
tell my husband what he could have done better after he has given me a really
great rim job. This is a really creative story. Read it and enjoy it - even
if you're not a TG fan.
Ratings "Miss-Placed"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Smith (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following is a Guest Review by Michael K. Smith, who frequently
contributes stories to this newsgroup.
"Exchange Program" by Clint Quinn (A+ Story). Classic science fiction is a
tough genre in which to cast believable murder mysteries and erotic romances.
(We're talking about "strange new worlds" here, not cyberpunk.) Asimov
managed mysteries and this author does a very creditable job with erotica.
Alain has gotten fed up with academic politics on Earth and emigrates to the
idyllic pioneer planet of New Ontario (which leads me to suspect the author
is Canadian . . .). Just as he arrives at his destination, his sister,
Claudine, possessor of a legendary libido, is headed out to the world of
Welnaria for a month. Her Welnarian exchange is Kera, a slightly modified
human woman who appears to be an adolescent but is actually an acutely formal
forty-plus years of age. The Welnarians have given up sex-for-pleasure in
exchange for reproductive control; they now assume themselves to be
irretrievably "numbed," as Kera puts it. But we know better, don't we?
Mr. Quinn has a very smooth style and succeeds in evoking the energetic,
liberated personality of a society made up largely of disgusted self-exiles
for whom Earth no longer offers opportunities. (Alain's new best friend is
Grigor, a Russian quantum- mechanic-turned-tractor-mechanic.) He also handles
semi-alien sex very nicely, . . . though I would like to know just what Kera
is saying when, in the throes of passion, she exclaims "Oss novit capetla!"
The author also knows his grammar and can use a dictionary. He even knows
that "lay" is the proper past tense of the intransitive verb "to lie" -- a
knowledge I wish were shared by more posters. However, he seems not to
realize that in dialogue, only one item of punctuation is needed to close a
quote: A comma alone will do, but not a comma with a period, exclamation, or
question mark. (Really a minor error, considering his obvious skill, but a
reviewer has to find _something_ to pick on.)
This is one of Ray Velez's reposted "A+ Stories," originally posted in 1995.
DejaNews shows only one other (non-sf) erotic story posted by this author,
which is a shame; New Ontario is a promising setting for more stories of this
quality.
Ratings for "Exchange Program"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Smith (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Other Side" by Unknown Author (THC Archives). This is a "tommy" repost,
with original date of July 1995 attached, but no author given. It follows a
familiar basic plot - Wimp with small cock goes out looking for Stud to fuck
Wimp's Girl Friend while Wimp watches; GF tells Wimp how much better Stud is
(with "oh, ohh"s interspersed); and Wimp gets off on all this. Here we have
the basic elements in a brisk utilitarian format - Wimp picks up Stud in bar
in paragraph 1, GF is gasping at Stud's cock size by para 6. There are two
twists to the grand (or tired) old plot here - this one is told from the
point of view of Stud, not Wimp; and Wimp doesn't just watch, but nibbles on
GF while Stud is fucking her which - ta-da! (or yuck) - creates some fleeting
m/m contact. The POV reversal doesn't really provide much of a twist, as most
of us guys can more readily imagine ourselves in the Stud role to begin with
- the challenge is to see what Wimp gets out of it. In connection with the
m/m: Stud has the capacity, common on a.s.s., for eyeball measurement. He
spots GF as about 5'5", and about 34B. But interestingly he gives *more
precise* estimates of Wimp's cock size. We know what that means. Sex
descriptions are trite, but with some redeeming underlying lustiness.
Form: 10 (though badly formatted)
Literary Value: 7
Get-off Quotient (purely subjective): 8
The following review was written by Purple Shade, who has posted many stories
to this newsgroup under a different name:
"Goldilocks" by Robert Mitchell (zikzak23@nospamplease.com). Most of us are
familiar with the childhood classic, Goldilocks and the Three Bears. This
story of the same name by Robert Mitchell updates the classic to a more adult
level. Goldilocks, a much more adventurous 19 year old in this version,
finds herself lost in the forest after sneaking out of her house to meet her
boyfriend.
Luckily, she happens upon the home of family named Bear. The three bears,
Melissa (Momma Bear), Paul (Papa Bear) and Barry (Baby Bear) are happy to
invite her to share a dinner. She is surprised to discover that Porridge was
the main course -- Passion Porridge to be exact. The effect of this
unexpected treat should be obvious to anyone who's been on this newsgroup
more than two days.
Needless to say, the end result isn't the same as the version your mother
told you at bedtime. I found the story to be original and highly
entertaining and can recommend it highly.
Ratings for "Goldilocks" (Added by Celeste)
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Purple Passion (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Not Really Cheating" by Dave Schulte (THC Archives). This was one of the
first hundred or so stories that I reviewed in CR. A man and a woman work
together. Both of their spouses are too busy to satisfy them sexually; yet
each wants to remain faithful and monogamous. They become aware of their
mutual attraction to each other. They decide that since infidelity involves
actual sex, it wouldn't really be cheating if they simply masturbated
together; and so they do so. It's an interesting idea, and the story is well
written. Incidentally, in my own opinion, this IS really cheating. In other
words, I would consider myself to be unfaithful to my husband if I needed a
sexual fix and got it by masturbating with a friend when my husband was too
busy to satisfy me. Infidelity involves the violation of a relationship, and
what the story describes is at least the beginning of the violation of a
relationship. No real moral lesson here - just a commentary on the title.
It was still an enjoyable story. By the way, in my morally acute mind,
reading stories on a.s.s. and fantasizing about them does NOT constitute a
violation of a relationship, even if Tammy Ng does write cynical letters to
the reviewer Now you know why I read twenty of these stories a week! I had
better talk to my husband.
Ratings for "Not Really Cheating"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Smith (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (drambo@primenet.com). No offense to any of the other
authors, but at the time I first read it this was the BEST STORY I had yet
reviewed during my first six months of reviewing stories for this newsgroup.
It received my number 1 rating in my list of the Top 100 Stories of 1995.
After reading this story, I tracked down many other stories written by this
author (perhaps all of them). He has a distinctive style, and there's a
pattern to his stories. Almost always a guy screws up a relationship and
eventually redeems himself years later by coming to the aid of the woman whom
he has always loved deep down in his heart and making sexy but tender love to
her. If that sounds familiar, it's because that basic plot is actually a
combination of (1) typical TV and movie romances plus (2) what you'd REALLY
like the protagonists to do - or what you assume in your perverted mind they
do during the fade-outs. If you like romance with your sex, read this
story!
Ratings for "Lynn"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Once You're Rubbed" by Amy. This story has recently been reposted from
the THC Archives. The following story, which is based on this one, is the
better of the two; and I hope someone reposts it. I am reposting my original
reviews of both.
I vaguely remember seeing this story posted in a.s.s. As I recall, I glanced
at it, noticed it was unfinished, and decided not to bother to download it.
Big mistake! About an hour ago I received via e-mail a copy of this story
from Backrub, along with his official notification that he intended to repost
"Once You're Rubbed by Amy," which is a follow-up to this story. Big break!
So I read this story, and it's excellent. It's basically a slow build-up
for a big climax. It does a beautiful job of expressing the magic and
insecurity of first meetings, of the beginnings of relationships. I found
myself laughing and recalling experiences from my own life. The build-up
itself is not devoid of sex; but its sexy in the sense that you just know
something is going to happen, because the chemistry is right to begin with
and it gets better as the story goes along. The only flaw with this story
(and it's a big one) is that it's unfinished. It just plain stops before the
climax. But Backrub solved that problem with the next story.
Ratings for "Once You're Rubbed "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Once You're Rubbed by Amy" by Backrub. This story finishes the previous
story. In doing so, it retells the entire story from the man's point of
view. Since a massage plays a pivotal role in this story, it is a story by
Backrub about a backrub! I myself think the present story can stand alone,
even if readers have not seen the previous story; but Backrub himself thinks
that the two stories should be read together. Backrub also wrote "Across the
Catty Corner," a follow-up to Sue's "Catty Corner." I reviewed those two
stories in Celestial Reviews 9. I truly believe that the Catty Corner
Combination was better than this set, but this is still an excellent,
romantic, and sexy story.
Ratings for "Once You're Rubbed by Amy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
Grammar Tip of the Week: INDEFINITE PRONOUNS. An indefinite pronoun is one
that does not refer to a SPECIFIC person or thing. The most common
indefinite pronouns are ALL, ANY, ANYBODY, ANYONE, ANYTHING, EACH, EITHER,
EVERYBODY, EVERYONE, EVERYTHING, NEITHER, NOBODY, NONE, NO ONE, SOME,
SOMEBODY, SOMEONE, and SOMETHING. The reason these are worth worrying about
is that it makes a difference whether the indefinite pronoun is singular or
plural, since this will influence verb and pronoun agreement.
Anyone with a live cock IS welcome to join me in the bedroom.
All the men with live cocks ARE welcome to join me in the
bedroom.
The good news is that it's usually possible to get these right, simply
because the right usage "sounds" correct. The even better news is that even
if you get these wrong, nobody except English teachers is likely to notice or
care. In other words, if in real life a man says to a woman, "None of us are
man enough to make you happy," you'll have a grammar mistake; but she'd be
much more likely to have noticed the problem had you said, "We ain't got very
big cocks."
It's still a good idea to write as perfectly as possible, and so I'll now try
to summarize the rules. In general, most of these indefinite pronouns are
singular. That is, they refer to a single person or thing.
SOMEBODY is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
NOBODY is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
ANYONE who sucks my cock is going to get her brains fucked
out tonight.
NEITHER of you is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
The main exceptions are ALL, ANY, SOME, and NONE. These words are sometimes
singular and sometimes plural, depending on the context in which they are
used.
Each of these words is singular when it refers to a continuous quantity of
something. (This usage sounds complicated, but it's easy, as the following
examples show.)
None of the cum WAS left in my hair after I showered.
According to our prenuptial agreement, none of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
Some of the cum WAS still left in my hair after I showered.
According to our prenuptial agreement, any of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
According to our prenuptial agreement, all of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
Except in the case cited above ALL and SOME are always plural.
Some of you guys ARE going to have to wait till have lunch
to lick my pussy.
All the guys I have ever made love to ARE cumming at the
reunion.
That leaves the two hard ones: NONE and ANY.
The correct usage of NONE is a bit complicated; but if you think it over
carefully, you can usually get it right. NONE usually means "no single one"
or "not even one." When the word is used in this sense, it takes singular
verbs and pronouns.
None of the men HAS offered to let his wife join the orgy.
None of you IS man enough to make me really happy.
NONE is also singular when it means "no amount of" or "no part of," when the
speaker is referring to a continuous quantity of something. This usage was
described above.
Use a plural verb and pronouns wit NONE only if the sense is "not any" when
several are expected - that is, when NONE means "no number of persons or
things."
None of the slaves agree on the best way to lick
their queen's pussy.
This can be very useful information. If each of the following speakers is
using grammar correctly, the listener would in one case be discussing an orgy
(or at least several successive partners) and in the other a tryst with a
single individual.
None of you is going to sleep with me tonight. (single individual)
None of you are going to sleep with me tonight. (potential orgy)
To put it another way:
None of you IS man enough to make me really happy. (single
individual)
None of you ARE men enough to make me really happy. .
(potential orgy)
The best way to ascertain which should be used, is to examine the logic of
the original (or contrary) expectation. This sounds complicated, but in
practice, it's not:
None of you IS going to sleep with me tonight. ("You think ONE of
you is going to sleep with me. That's not true.")
None of you ARE going to sleep with me tonight. ("You think
SOME of you are going to sleep with me. That's not true.")
The use of ANY is exactly parallel to that of NONE. The verb and pronoun
agreement with ANY is often easier to ascertain, because the logic is more
apparent. If ANY refers to ONE unspecified person, it's singular; otherwise,
it's plural.
If any of you IS the one who slept with me last night, you
can return my panties when you are finished sniffing them.
Any of you IS man enough to make me really happy.
Any of you who have a live cock are going to have a chance
to sleep with me before the end of summer camp.
If any of you IS going to sleep with me tonight, he should brush
his teeth after supper. (You think it's likely or reasonable
that only one person will do so.)
If any of you ARE going to sleep with me tonight, they should
brush their teeth after supper. (You are expecting an orgy
or at least a major menage.)
Note that some of these same words can be used as adjectives, but then the
agreement problem is simplified, because the word that the adjective modifies
will be either singular or plural.
Any men who WANT to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
Each man who WANTS to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
Every man who WANTS to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
BOTH and EACH. BOTH is plural. EACH is singular. The distinction between
these words is worth noting. Misuse can get you in trouble, even with people
who are not English teachers.
Both of us ARE eager to get into her pants.
Each of us IS eager to get into her pants.
EACH is so singular that it can make a compound subject have a singular verb
and pronoun references.
Each infielder and outfielder IS going to get HIS shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
EVERY works the same way.
Every infielder and outfielder IS going to get HIS shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
Oddly enough, if EACH is moved to a location after the compound subject, the
verb and pronoun references become plural. {Note that the exact meaning of
the sentence also changes.} Who said English isn't a bizarre and wonderful
language?
The infielder and outfielder each ARE going to get their shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
EACH OTHER and ONE ANOTHER. EACH OTHER refers to reciprocal activity between
two persons; ONE ANOTHER to reciprocal activity among three or more persons.
We made love to EACH OTHER last night. ( A couple)
We made love to ONE ANOTHER last night. (Orgy or menage)
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