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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: Celestial Grammar 1.4
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Celestial Grammar 1.4
(Updated Sept 18, 1996)
by Celeste
A reader sent me the following passage, which reminded me that maybe I should
repost my Celestial Grammar:
"Seatmates May Share Their Deepest Secrets Or Their Bologna,"
_The Wall Street Journal_, 9 Aug 1996, p. A4, col. 5:
The close confines [on airlines] sometimes bring on
unwanted advances or other bizarre behavior. Robert Cross,
chairman of an aviation revenue-management firm, recalls
that on a flight from Dallas to Atlanta, he was seated next
to a woman who was feverishly scribbling in a notebook. As
the flight was about to land, she asked Mr. Cross if he
wouldn't mind proofreading her work. On the page were two
paragraphs of what he delicately describes as "pornography."
"I was flabbergasted," he says. So he did the only thing he
could think to do. "I just critiqued it from a grammatical
standpoint: This is a run-on sentence, you ended this with
a preposition."
I do NOT believe that grammar is more important than ideas. However, as a
reviewer for Celestial Reviews on alt.sex.stories, I have read many stories
in which the grammar stood in the way of what the author was trying to say.
In many cases there were a few simple errors that the authors could have
easily avoided. These mistakes annoy most readers (not just myself); and by
avoiding them you can improve the chances that your readers will understand
your story.
Although these guidelines are written with a.s.s. in mind, they are equally
applicable to high school and college term papers and to numerous other
practical situations. You may quote these rules in high school and college
term papers, as long as you follow the correct format. I dare you!
Seriously, many writers can significantly improve their writing skills by
following these guidelines, which cover the most common errors made by
ordinary writers - including a.s.s. authors and writers of college term
papers. There are at least two college teachers of English composition that
I know about who use these grammar guidelines as part of their courses.
Since that has started to happen, I guess I should be responsible and tell
you where else to find good information on grammar and style. I strongly
recommend Strunk & White's "Elements of Style," a short book that can be
found at two locations on the Web:
http://www.diku.dk/students/myth/EOS/index.html
http://www.columbia.edu/acis/bartleby/strunk/
When I need to look up a "grammar rule," my main source is "The Little Brown
Handbook," published by Little, Brown. For word choice and usage questions I
use the Unabridged Random House Dictionary and the New York Times Manual of
Style and Usage. I also lurk on and occasionally contribute to a newsgroup
called alt.usage.English. But don't quote me over there. Those people are
interesting but serious; and I always clean up my examples before I post
comments there.
I also occasionally post an Advanced Celestial Grammar, which goes into
questions slightly more technical than those discussed here. Both these
notes and the Advanced Grammar are under continuous development, and if you
have questions or suggestions, I would be happy to hear from you.
* * * *
The following topics are covered here:
1. Apostrophes
2. Verb tense
3. Run-on sentences
4. Sentence fragments
5. Commas
6. Semicolons
7. Some frequently misused words
These additional topics are covered in Advanced Celestial Grammar, which is
posted separately:
1. Restrictive phrases and clauses.
2. Dangling and misplaced modifiers.
3. Relative and interrogative pronouns.
1. APOSTROPHES. Don't make a noun plural by adding apostrophe s ('s). This
rule applies to all nouns - including proper nouns.
(The plural of Smith is Smiths, not Smith's.)
The purpose of an apostrophe with a noun is to show possession.
Example: "Sue's pussy" means the pussy that belongs to Sue (at least
until she gives it to someone else).
Some confusion arises when you use plurals with apostrophes. For example,
the "Smiths' orgy" refers to the orgy held by Mr. and Mrs. Smith. In this
case, write the plural (with the s) and just add the apostrophe (without
another s).
It can get more complicated than this, but we don't want to write a grammar
book here.
2. VERB TENSE. Stick with one tense, unless you have a reason to change.
Bad: "I was walking down the street one day. I see a girl who was
wearing no bra or panties."
Better: "I was walking down the street one day. I saw a girl who was
wearing no bra or panties."
There are cases when it does make sense to change verb tenses. Just do so on
purpose. (Verb tense is discussed in greater detail in Advanced Celestial
Grammar.)
3. RUN-ON SENTENCES. When you are finished with a sentence, use a period and
begin a new sentence. Sometimes this becomes complicated, because many
sentences contain more than one idea (like this one.) The easiest way to
deal with this is to read the sentence and see if it expresses a coherent
thought. If you are uncertain, turn it into two or more separate sentences.
4. SENTENCE FRAGMENTS. Make sure every sentence contains a full thought that
makes sense.
Bad: "He kept fucking her. Until she begged him to stop.
Better: "He kept fucking her until she begged him to stop.
Actually, it's sometimes OK to have an incomplete sentence (like the one
marked "bad" above); but you should only do that on purpose. And for a good
reason. Like emphasis. Like this. But it gets distracting if you do this
too often. Like this.
Improper fragments seem to occur most often when the writer has a long
sentence that concludes with a subordinate clause. The writer often
incorrectly puts the last thought into a separate sentence, like this:
Bad: "While she continued to drive him crazy by fondling his balls with
her free hand, she began to suck on his cock. Until he came in a wild
explosion of excitement."
In this example there should be a comma after cock, and a lowercase "until."
(One Freudian theory is that women make this mistake more often then men -
because they think something bad will happen if they skip a period.)
5. COMMAS. A comma tells the reader to pause within a sentence. Don't
overuse commas. But don't underuse them either. In general, if the sentence
is confusing because the reader may run words together, you should add a
comma. Both of the commas in my previous sentence were necessary for this
reason. Many writers would add a comma in the previous sentence to make it
"necessary, for this reason"; but that would be a mistake. "For this reason"
is closely related to the rest of the sentence.
The best way to deal with commas is to read each sentence to yourself, and to
check and see whether additional commas would make the sentence easier to
read, and to eliminate commas that make things drag needlessly. (Omitting
the commas in my preceding sentence would make it hard to figure out what I
was trying to say.)
There are many more rules for commas, some of which I'll discuss later; but
the preceding commonsense rule works pretty well.
6. SEMICOLONS. The semicolon can be viewed as a combination of a
super-comma and a half-period. (That's why it's a period written above a
comma.) That is, it can serve as a half-period by joining two sentences into
one (as in the first two rules below); and it can serve as a super-comma by
replacing a comma in situations where a comma itself won't quite do the job
(as in Rules 3 and 4). Here are specific rules:
1. Use a semicolon to join two clauses when these two clauses are NOT joined
by a coordinating conjunction. (When they are joined by a coordinating
conjunction, use a comma - except in the case of Rule 4 below.) The
coordinating conjunctions are "and," "but", "or," and "for."
The following are all correct - at least grammatically, although the order
may be reversed socially:
I licked her pussy. Then she sucked my cock.
I licked her pussy, and then she sucked my cock.
I licked her pussy; then she sucked my cock.
In the actual context of a story, the sentences would convey a slightly
different meaning. For example, the third sentence suggests that the two
activities were more intimately connected than the first (because the author
put the two ideas in a single sentence).
2. Use a semicolon to join two clauses when these two clauses are joined by
a conjunctive adverb. (When they are joined by "and" plus a conjunctive
adverb, use a comma - except in the case of Rule 3 below.) Conjunctive
adverbs include words like "therefore," "however," "thus," and "furthermore."
{Note: If you have trouble recognizing conjunctive adverbs, you can ignore
this rule and simply apply Rule 1; you will almost always be correct anyway.}
Example:
I licked her pussy; therefore she sucked my cock.
3. Even when main clauses are joined by a coordinating conjunction, use a
semicolon (instead of a comma) to join them if the clauses are very long and
complex or if they contain commas.
This rule is the one about which readers have been giving me grief. I'm
simply going to state one more time that this is the rule as it is currently
taught in high school and college courses and as it is applied by most major
publishers throughout the United States. Some people would say that the
semicolon followed by a coordinating conjunction is redundant. It would be
better, they say, to just drop the conjunction and use the semicolon alone,
since that serves the purpose more efficiently. If you're really hung up on
Occam's razor, fine; do it that way. These same writers would probably never
begin a sentence with a coordinating conjunction; that rule is no longer
taught, and good writers often begin sentences with "and." My point is that
the semicolon alone is correct; but so is the semicolon followed by a
coordinating conjunction when one or the other of the clauses contains
internal punctuation or is long and complex (like this one). Examples:
Occam's Razor is the principle, first formally stated by William of
Occam, that the most efficient way is always the best way; but Occam never
had sex with me.
"While she continued to drive him crazy by fondling his balls with her
free hand, she began to suck on his cock, until he came in a wild explosion
of excitement; and then he began to turn his own attention to her clitoris,
which he had neglected until then."
Using a comma instead of a semicolon in these example would be confusing,
because each half of the sentence already contains commas. In the second
example, a good author might instead just insert a period and omit the "and,"
especially if she is concerned about skipping a period.
4. Use a semicolon to separate items in a series if these items are long or
contain commas. Examples:
"In one evening Sharon had sex with Sue; her dog, Ralph; the night
watchman, Bill; and Ray, her ex-husband." {Using commas instead of the
semicolons would result in a confusing sentence, where we might think Sharon
had an even more active night: "In one evening Sharon had sex with Sue, her
dog, Ralph, the night watchman, Bill, and Ray, her ex-husband."}
"So far this week Bob has sodomized the Bobsie twins, Rachel and Randy;
fucked Millie, Alice, Patrice, and Carolyn in the hayloft; had oral sex with
Jane, Janet, Julio, and Billie Joe; and watched his sister have nearly
simultaneous sex with seven guys from the local gym. {Try reading this
sentence with commas in the place of the semicolons - and then remember that
there are still four days left in the week!}
I myself still think writers do not need all four of these rules. For over
twenty years I have survived quite well using a semicolon when a comma won't
quite do the job and when I don't really want the full stop indicated by a
period. Even if you or your teacher insists on knowing and using the four
rules stated earlier, the logic stated in the preceding sentence will make it
easier to remember and apply these more specific rules.
**SOME FREQUENTLY MISUSED WORDS**.
CHOOSE/CHOSE. *Choose* is the present tense. It rhymes with snooze.
*Chose* is the past tense. It rhymes with hoes.
ITS/IT'S. *It's* means "it is." *Its* means "belonging to it." (This is a
little bit illogical, because normally an apostrophe shows possession. But
not with it.)*ITS'* doesn't exist.
LOSE/LOOSE. People *lose* things (including their virginity and their
tempers). When things are not tight, they're *loose* (which rhymes with
goose).
THERE, THEIR, THEY'RE. Use *their* to mean "of them."
Example: "I could see their pussies through the hole in the wall."
Use *there* to mean "over there" or "in that place" and in the expression
"there is."
Example: "When I got there, she was already undressed."
Example: "There are lots of good stories on a.s.s."
Use *they're* to mean "they are."
Example: "They're going to be surprised at how good her pussy tastes."
Combined Example of All Three: "They're going to fuck their brains out when
they get there."
TO/TWO/TOO. *Two* is the number of persons most frequently present in a
meaningful sexual encounter. *TOO* means "also," as in "I'd like to fuck you
too." *TOO* also means "excessively," as in "Sometimes I masturbate too
often at the grocery story." *To* is a preposition, which means it comes at
the beginning of a prepositional phrase, as in "We went to the store" or
before a verb, as in "I want to fuck you."
USE/USED. People get *used* to doing things. Likewise, Johnny *used* to
fuck Janie. *USE* is a present tense, as in the song, "Use me, abuse me...."
LIE/LAY. LIE means to recline. (It is an intransitive verb - it cannot take
a direct object.) Its past tense is LAY, and its perfect tense is LAIN. Of
course, a serious source of confusion is that LAY (in addition to being a
word in its own right) is also the past tense of LIE.
LIE also means to state a falsehood. This is a completely different word
that has a separate dictionary entry. Its past tense is LIED and its perfect
tense is HAS LIED. (This meaning is easily understood and usually causes no
confusion. Its main relevance with regard to sex is its use in poignant
country western songs: "She was sound asleep in our double bed/And I let her
lie.")
LAY means to put something (or someone) down. (It is a transitive verb.)
The past tense is LAID. The perfect tense is HAS LAID.
The three most common problems with LIE/LAY are: (1) using LIE when you mean
LAY (and vice versa), (2) Using LAID (instead of LAY) as a past tense of
LIE, and (3) using LAID (instead of LAIN) as the perfect tense of LIE.
INCORRECT: We continued to lay in bed after our orgasms.
CORRECT: We continued to lie in bed after our orgasms.
INCORRECT: I had been watching her lay in bed for nearly an hour before
she woke up.
CORRECT: I had been watching her lie in bed for nearly an hour before
she woke up.
INCORRECT: She told me to lie the dildo on the night stand.
CORRECT: She told me to lay the dildo on the night stand.
INCORRECT: After lying the dildo on the night stand, I fucked her
brains out.
CORRECT: After laying the dildo on the night stand, I fucked her brains
out.
CORRECT: After laying her in the hay loft, I went inside and laid her
sister too. (This is grammatically correct, but it may constitute a social
faux pas.)
INCORRECT: I should have lain the key to the handcuffs out of her reach
before I left the room.
CORRECT: I should have laid the key to the handcuffs out of her reach
before I left the room.
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