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Date: Tue, 30 Apr 1996 11:02:00 UTC
Subject: *deirdre: Denial
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This is one of seven new stories I'm posting for Spring, 1996: Ball, 
Cheerleader, Date, Denial, Four, Mall, and Witch.  Enjoy. -- deirdre


Disclaimer: my stories, like the private sex fantasies of many people, often 
depict "breaking some rules".  Do not read this story if you believe fantasy 
stories should never depict situations undesirable in real life.  Be warned 
that you may not be comfortable with the sexual situations.  Do not read this 
story if you are less than 18 years of age.

Permission granted to repost, to make available online, and to publish in 
low-cost CD-ROM archives of alt groups if attributed to deirdre.  Permission 
granted to publish in periodicals and anthologies of this type of material if 
attributed to deirdre and an author's payment is sent to AIDS research in the 
name of deirdre. -- deirdre


Denial
by deirdre, 2/19/96

We shouldn't have been doing it.  Well, I suppose it really didn't do any 
harm, at least it *shouldn't* have done any harm.  I guess we'd done that sort 
of thing before--well, when we were a lot younger.

I... we had our pants down.  No, it's *not* what you think--I think we just 
wanted to see what we looked like.  Like I said, Dan and I had done the same 
thing before when we were younger.  Just looking.

It was just about silent.  Any talk would have spoiled the mood or something.  
My pants and underpants were down and so were Dan's.  We were behind his 
father's shed and only the woods were behind and no one was around.  I looked 
at his cock.  I didn't get to look too closely at other boys' cocks, and I 
*was* curious.  You wouldn't want to be staring in the locker room!  Like I 
said, we'd looked when we were little, but now that our cocks were, well, 
developed, it was only with Dan, who I'd known just about forever, that I'd 
even *think* of doing something like this with.

I didn't even consider touching it: I merely wanted to see.  He'd looked 
closely at mine too, also not touching.  It was so quiet.  No one was around.

"Uh, better get dressed," said Dan, rather quietly, but sounding concerned.  I 
looked up to see him looking over my shoulder into the woods, appearing rather 
stricken.  Then he was pulling up his pants.  "Deborah!" he hissed.

I had my pants up in a panic.  We rushed away, toward his house.  "Did she see 
us?"  I asked.  He didn't answer, though I know he heard me.

*Of all the people to see us*.  Why did Deborah have to see me like that?  She 
was a year older than us--a junior--but I'd had a crush on her for *years*.  
Well, I guess she'd finally noticed me.  Ha!  I wanted to fold myself into 
another dimension and disappear.

Dan and I closed the back door, and looked at each other, catching our breath. 
 
"I don't think she'll tell anybody," he said.  I couldn't respond: I still 
felt sick to my stomach, her seeing us like that.

I thought about going home.  Would she see me leaving the house?  I realized I 
wouldn't know when it would be safe to leave.  What did she think of us?  *A 
couple of kids*.  I didn't *want* her to think of me as a kid.  But if she 
thought of me as anything else...

"She won't tell anybody," repeated Dan.  I felt he was right even though just 
the thought of the alternative kept me feeling frightened.  The doorbell rang.

It was Deborah.  We both stared at her, having opened the door before we 
realized.  "Hi, boys," she said, walking in uninvited.

"Hi," said Dan, in a wary voice.  I think I mumbled something, but I was too 
paralyzed to do much else.  We followed her into the living room.

"Your parents are gone."  She said it to Dan--not a question: just a 
statement.  We didn't say anything.  "I saw you," she continued.  I thought 
she might just be pausing in the middle of a sentence, but then realized she 
was done.  Then she smiled.

I loved that smile.  Seeing her smiling at her friends.  I recalled the few 
times she'd smiled just for me.  I used to think about her when I lay in bed: 
just her and me, imagining that we were out on our own.  "Don't be 
embarrassed: it's OK," she finally continued.

Dan giggled briefly: "You're *all right*," he said, obviously relieved.

"It doesn't bother me--I'm not prejudiced," she responded.

I looked at her, trying to make out what she was saying.  Dan looked confused 
too.  "I *am* curious," she went on, "how you *do* it."

"Do it?" asked Dan, still looking confused.

"Yes, you know, when you do it."

"Do what," I said.

"You know!" she said, smiling again.  "What you guys do."

"You think we're *homo*?" said Dan, suddenly.  I felt another panic--Deborah 
thinks that we're...that I'm homo!

She giggled.  "Look, I *saw* you--I *told* you it doesn't *bother* me."

"We were just..." said Dan, suddenly seeming to lose his ability to speak.  
"...just...looking," he finally managed to stammer, his voice weak.

"I *said* it doesn't bother me," she insisted.  "Come on!  I *am* curious."

"But we're *not*!"

"Look," she said, then pausing for a second.  "I won't tell anybody.  I *saw* 
you."

"But..."

"Hey, I know no one wants to admit they're homo.  But I *saw* you back there.  
You can admit it to me."

"But we're *not*!" I managed to stammer.

She looked slightly exasperated, then said: "OK, you're not going to admit 
it."

"But..." I started again, seeing that she wasn't believing us.

"You want me to *tell everybody*?"

I stared at her.  Dan did too.  She seemed a little peeved.  "But we're 
*not*," I finally said again, feeling weak.

"I'll tell everybody what I saw," she answered.

"But..."

"I *will*!"

I spoke again: "Deborah, *please*..."

"Just *stop it*!"  she said loudly.  Silence.  "Stop *repeating* that."

We just sat there, no idea what to do.  She spoke again: "I'm just curious, 
that's all.  I *know* you can't admit to it.  I just want to know how you *do* 
it."

"Deborah..."

"OK, *don't* admit it," she said, and paused.  Then: "Do it again... what you 
were doing."

"Deborah!"

"I'll leave!  And tell."

I looked at Dan and he looked at me.  How had she gotten these ideas in her 
head?  "I'll tell everybody at school," she said.  "Just what I saw..."  I 
glanced at Dan again and he was looking so nervous.  "Pull down your pants 
again."

I touched the buckle of my belt and Dan did the same thing.  Soon we were both 
unbuckling.  And unbuttoning and unzipping.  And our pants were down.  "Your 
underpants," she said.

We were both standing there, in front of her.  She looked at my cock and at 
Dan's.  She looked up at both of us.  "I've got to see it."

"What."

Suddenly she was darting out of the room.  "Stay like that," she said as she 
left.  I looked at Dan and he looked back at me.  Who would have believed the 
position we were in?  She was back with a tube in her hand.  "I want to see 
how you *do* it," she repeated.

"Deborah..." I started again.

"I'll *tell!*" she responded.  She looked at my cock again.  "Take off the 
rest," she said, obviously to me.

What could I do?  I did it.  Naked.  She just looked at me, and walked around 
me, inspecting me.  While she was behind me, she put her hand on my rear cheek 
and ran it up ad down a little.  *Deborah touching my rear!*.  In front of me 
she smiled again.  "Get down on the floor."  I didn't move.  "I'll tell."  I 
got down.  "Your stomach here," she said, indicating the seat of the sofa.

"Deborah!"

"I'll tell."

I got down.  "Get behind him," she said to Dan.  "Put some of this on your 
cock," she said.  "Do it--I swear I'll tell."  He was behind me!  "Get it 
hard."  I couldn't believe this!  "OK, do it.  I want to *see* this."

Nothing happened.  "I'll leave now.  And tell," she said.  Dan touched my hip, 
then sort of grabbed it.  I knelt there.  How could I be in this position?  
Deborah right here!  I felt his cock against my rear.  "Push it in," she said. 
 
"Show me... I want to see it *all* or I'll tell..."

I didn't think I could do this.  I *had* to stop it.  I didn't know what to 
do.  Dan pressed.  I had to do my best to let him in!  I didn't have any 
choice!  "Oh wow!"  I heard her say.  I could hear a smile in her voice.  Was 
she laughing at us?  It didn't seem like it, but I still wanted to die right 
there.

I felt it sliding in.  He pressed.  His body bumped my rear and I realized it 
was all the way in.  "Do you slide it in and out?" she asked.  Dan didn't say 
anything.  "Do it," she finally continued.  I felt Dan start to pull it out, 
then back in.  Then faster.  And faster.  And on and on he went.

And I felt it.  Him spurting in me.  I heard his breath catch.  He'd been 
breathing heavily.  I didn't look at him.  I couldn't.  I couldn't look at 
Deborah.  "Oh wow!" she repeated.

He just knelt there behind me for a second, still in me, exhausted.  Then he 
was out of me.  I heard the sound of a kiss.  Then suddenly Deborah was 
grabbing my head and kissed me on the cheek.  "Thanks," she said to me 
quietly, and then I heard her leave.

Then Dan was gone and I was there, alone in his living room.  I quickly got 
dressed and left.

"Listen, I want to talk to you."  It was Deborah, catching me in the hall, the 
next day at school.  She didn't usually pay me much attention other than when 
we were in our own neighborhood.  She pulled me toward a less crowded hallway. 
 
"Listen, thanks again," she said, smiling at me.  I loved that smile.

"Deborah, we're not gay."

"Look, I know you can't admit it--I just wanted to thank you again: I'd always 
been curious about how you do it."

"Deborah," I hissed, but she walked away.

The next day, at lunch, she sat with me!  I was sitting alone and she just 
came up and sat across from me!  She smiled at me: a shared secret.  "It was 
fun," she said, "you don't mind so much that I watched, do you?"

"Deborah, I'm not gay!"  I said, keeping my voice low.

"I'm going to ignore that.  How often do you two do it?"

"We don't!"

"*Please* tell me?  I won't tell."

"But we don't!"

She didn't say any more.  She did smile at me a little through the rest of 
lunch, but we just sat there.  No one sat with us: I didn't really have a 
group to sit with, and her friends were on the other side of the cafeteria.  
The next day at lunch, she was back again.

"I want to see it again."

"Deborah, we aren't gay!"

"I've read that gays often deny it."

"But we're not!"

"I want to see it again."

"Deborah..."

"I'll tell."  I stared at her.  "I'll tell everyone what you two did."

That afternoon Dan and I were at her house.  We'd been sort of avoiding each 
other since she'd left us there in his living room.  Once again, she watched 
us both undress, cajoling and threatening us, then I knelt against her sofa 
while Dan did me again.

And that wasn't the end of it: a week later, she demanded that we show her 
again.  And again.  We'd be at her house and she'd have us both undress 
completely.  She'd give us a tube of K.Y. jelly and Dan would put it on his 
cock and I would push some in my rear.  And he would do it to me.

And at lunch, she'd interrogate me: "What does it feel like?"  I didn't know 
how to answer questions like that.

It was so ironic.  Before, I wouldn't have *dreamed* of eating lunch with 
Deborah every day and now that is exactly what I was doing!  And a part of me 
loved it.  It was so weird, her talking to me every day as if I were gay and 
continuing to ask me what it felt like and why I liked it and everything.  And 
any time I told her I wasn't gay, she'd just refuse to listen to me.  And if I 
tried to refuse when she wanted to watch Dan and me, she'd threaten me again.

She was so curious.  But there just wasn't much I could tell her.  I didn't 
really want it.  And there were only so many words you could use to describe 
the physical sensation.  But she just kept asking.

Then one day she said: "I know how it feels."  I looked at her: she was going 
to start telling me how she thought it must feel.  "Dan and I pretended I was 
a boy."

"You *what*?" I gasped.

"I did what you do."  She was all smiles.  "I told Dan to pretend I was a boy 
and it worked: he did it!  Then she was silent for a while.  "I'm sorry: are 
you jealous?"

"No!"  She had had sex with Dan!  I was jealous as hell.

"I'm sorry...I want to see you two do it this afternoon."

My mind raced.  She'd let Dan do her rear!  It was unbelievable.  That 
afternoon she knelt next to me as he did it to me.  "It feels so full, doesn't 
it?" she said.  I managed to say yes.  She reached under me and briefly 
touched my cock, then withdrew her hand.  Then she whispered in my ear "so 
full, so full" while he was doing me.  He came.

Then soon after that, she told me she'd gotten Dan to do it to her again.  
Soon she was reporting such encounters about as often as she was making me 
come over to her house so she could watch me and Dan.

I was in love with her.  Maybe it had been a crush before.  It was so stupid: 
how could I get so hooked on her when we were in this weird relationship?

But I was *so* frustrated.  Once I suggested we go out.  She treated it like 
she always did whenever I said I wasn't gay: she just talked as if I were *in 
denial* as she said.

It was too much.  Other girls wouldn't look at me because I ate lunch with 
Deborah every day.  I didn't have many other friends, and Dan and I now 
avoided each other except when we were at Deborah's.  I finally asked a girl 
from another school to go out with me.  I didn't have a license yet so my 
parents ended up dropping us at a movie and picking us up.  Cathy was nice and 
I lay in bed thinking of her.  I realized I could like her instead of Deborah.

We went out again, again to a movie.  In the theater she said: "A girl told me 
about you".

"Who?"

"That girl in your neighborhood, Deborah.  About you and that other boy."

"What did she say?!"

"Listen, it's OK, I know you don't like to admit it.  I know you're trying to 
cover up, going out with me.  I don't mind...too much."

After that time, she wouldn't go out with me again.  And it was the same the 
whole school year and the next.

Deborah stayed in town to go to college.  She still had us over once a week or 
so.  And she'd call me on the phone and tell me about doing it with Dan.  
"Pretending to be a boy" as she said.  "Listen," she asked once: "I read that 
guys like to do it rough to each other.  Does Dan like to do it rough?"

"Deborah!" I said, exasperated.

"Do you like it rougher?"

The next night, she called me again.  "I got him to do it harder.  I think he 
liked it better--I think it makes it easier for him to imagine I'm a boy."

Then when we were at her house, she insisted that Dan let loose and show her 
how we did it rough.  He shoved me onto the floor, my rear in the air, grabbed 
my hips, and banged hard into me--I couldn't believe what was happening.  
After that, she was always encouraging him to be rougher with me, and he would 
grab me while I was still dressed and practically rip off my clothes.  He 
shoved me against the wall sometimes and forced me to do it one way and 
another.  It made me realize exactly how strong he is.  And on the phone, 
Deborah told me what an animal he was with her.

Eventually Dan and I graduated.  That summer, Deborah came over to my house 
one day and showed me her left hand: she had a wedding band on!

"We did it!" she said, gleefully.  "We're married now!"  Who?  Her and Dan?  I 
wasn't aware of anyone else she was seeing!  I felt like something had hit me 
in the chest.  I just didn't understand--I didn't understand anything at all.  
Then I noticed she was looking worried: "Uh, it doesn't change anything: I 
don't mind if you two still do it."

"Why did you marry him?"

"Well, it seemed to work, him pretending I'm a boy."

"But..." Was *that* a reason?  It *seemed to work*?

"Listen, I'll tell you a secret," she said.  "I kind-of wish it was you I 
married.  But Dan seemed to be able to make it work, the *pretend* business."  
She kissed me on the cheek, but immediately drew back.  Then she was gone.  
Aaarrrggghhh!

And all was back to the usual: she had me over; she watched Dan do my rear; 
she told me all about their sex.  I couldn't believe some of the things she 
told me--she let him hold her by the hair while he did her--she let him tie 
her hands.  She let him tie her spread-eagle, face down on the bed and do her. 
 
She wanted me to do the same with him.  I had no choice.

I had to do something: anything to get out of this.  I decided to move to 
another city.  I didn't tell Deborah--I just quietly planned and arranged it.  
I felt like I needed to break out of this life.

And I did it, never telling Deborah or Dan a thing--where I was going or 
anything.  I got a job.  And signed up for community college courses.  And 
actually dated.  And met Rachel.

And I felt Rachel was my savior: the one who would make me forget Deborah.  
Once again I was on track.  And I was a virgin-of-sorts with Rachel, but not 
for long.  Soon we were mostly living together and engaged.  It was so sweet 
sleeping with her every night, making love whenever we felt like it.  It was 
just what I needed.

We were growing more confident with each other, though naturally I told her 
nothing about Deborah or Dan.  We started being a little daring: we rented X-
rated videos and watched them while we were in bed.  Once, with a little 
clever planning, we managed to *do it* in a public park in the middle of the 
day.  She was becoming more confident about asking for things in bed, and so 
was I.  I felt like my life was finally on track.

And one night after we made love, she lay there on her side, playing with my 
cock and she whispered in my ear: "I did what you want."

I didn't quite understand what she was saying, so I just relaxed, enjoying 
what she was doing to me.  She repeated it: "I did what you want."

"What do you mean?"

She giggled.  "I met your ex-girlfriend and she told me what you like."

"Huh?"  Saywhat?

"How she lost you because she wouldn't, *you know*."

I couldn't quite sort this out.  "What did you do?" I asked, deliberately.

"I let another man do my ass."  I lay there stunned.  "She told me how you 
couldn't make yourself stay with her because you wanted so much for her to go 
out and do that and she couldn't make herself do it."

"Who was she?"

"Your old girlfriend!  I met her a couple of weeks ago.  She told me all about 
you before you moved here.  She's real nice.  She got her husband to do it 
with me."  *She'd let Dan do her rear*!  "It was so nice of her to warn me: 
she said you'd kept your desires bottled up and ended up leaving her before 
she had much chance to get used to the idea after you finally admitted it to 
her."  *She'd let Dan do her rear*!  "I'd do anything for you.  You remember 
that."  *I'd* never done her rear or anything like that!

I was in a daze all day.  I'd tried calling Deborah, but no answer.  That 
night, Rachel looked frightened.  She said: "Today... she told me about you 
and Dan."

Deborah was still in town?  But I knew exactly what Deborah had told her.  
"Where is she?" I asked, feeling wary.

"They're coming here."  I almost collapsed in my chair, feeling defeated.  I 
was in a daze.  They arrived, Rachel letting them in.  I said *hi*, but it was 
like I was watching the whole scene from afar.  Deborah was in form, giving 
the orders.  Rachel undressed.  I watched Dan do her.  He flung her around, 
shoved her body over the back of a living-room chair and fucked her rear so 
hard.  She seemed out of it, in her own daze.

Deborah ordered me to undress.  I waited patiently, leaning over the same 
chair.  Deborah and Rachel watched him do me.  Deborah held Rachel's hand as 
they watched.  Rachel's eyes were huge, glued on me.

Then Dan did Deborah.  He was much rougher on her than he was on Rachel or 
me--I couldn't believe how wild he was with her.  Deborah managed to look at 
me through her wild hair while he shoved into her.

They come up to visit sometimes.  Dan does the three of us.  When they arrive, 
he tells us to strip.  And he has us do things like touch our toes, or kneel 
and put our heads to the floor.  We serve him dinner, his naked slaves.  We 
suck his cock.  Sometimes he likes to use a belt on us.  When he is fucking 
me, I see Deborah holding Rachel's hand.  Sometimes she touches Rachel's body 
a little, but Rachel's eyes are always glued on Dan and me.  While Deborah is 
getting it, Rachel clings to me.  Deborah is always watching me as best she 
can.  Rachel always stares into space while she is getting it, or shuts her 
eyes, completely oblivious to Deborah and me.  Then Deborah and I sit with our 
arms around each other and talk.

She's told me a lot during those talks.  About seeing Dan and me in his back 
yard that first time, and how she stared at my "cute little ass".  And how 
something made her think about seeing a cock sliding into it.  And her sudden 
realization that she might see just that.  And how hot and frustrated she was 
when we ran away, and how she *knew* she'd have to get us to do it somehow.  
And how she masturbated furiously after every single time she watched me and 
Dan.

She kisses me a little sometimes: on the mouth.  And whispers in my ear how 
much she loves me.
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