Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Product Safety Warning (no sex, humor)

   by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com)

   Summary: A spoof of the sort of product safety warnings and recall
notices found in magazines



   USING CONDOMS COULD BE DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR WELLBEING

   As you already know, we at Tween Magazine believe that for a tweenager
to be happy and healthy, a tweenager must be well informed.  Our health
correspondent, C.  Remy Pi was recently informed that the use of condoms:
long touted for preventing pregnancy and stopping the spread of unpleasant
diseases could kill you...

   It was recently discovered that the latex used in the making of all but
one brand of condoms for decades has contained
tricarbonic-dihydrogen-septoxiate-monosulfide*.  A particularly horrific
chemical compound; ingestion of it has been linked both to silent
flatulence and acne.  Exposure to it is also believed to increase the
chances of developing cubo-nimus-mentosis** (also known as a "brain-cloud")
an absolutely horrific fatal disease

   Since Silk-Sleeve brand condoms are not made from latex they are still
safe to use.  Made of natural silk they are a bit on the pricy side: a
three-pack retails for $69.96.

   Tween Magazine would also like to remind you that since Silk-Sleeve
condoms are not made from latex they are not required to meet the same
"leakage" and "tear" standards as typical condoms.  With an FTC permitted
leakage rate of 0.11% and a tear rate of 0.08% you might as well not bother
spending the money as these condoms will not prevent 100% of pregnancies
and disease transfer.

   If you are in the possession of condoms made by any other manufacturer
throw them out now.  Their use will greatly increase your chances of
becoming infected with one of these dreadful afflictions.  The medical
community strongly advises that no one use or buy latex condoms not until
the latex is reformulated.

   Keep doing what you're doing, but keep your life and health in mind by
not using latex condoms until they are once again 100% safe...  We will
keep you informed of this and other issues which could be detrimental to
your well being.







   * Author's note: "this guy" (the author) made up this particular
chemical formula, and is unaware of what if anything it may actually be.

   ** Author's note: "this guy" (the author) is unaware of the existence of
such a disease.