Tween Magazine: Thinness Quiz (no sex, humor) by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com) Summary: Satire of reader quiz for thinness that might appear in a magazine geared towards tweenage girls… One of the most important things a tweenage girl can be is thin. Complete the following series of THINNESS TESTS to determine whether you’re thin enough, a little chunky, or way too fat. This is a hard quiz: it requires doing math! Test 1 PRINTER PAPER Wearing your favorite bikini, stand in front of a full length mirror. Hold a standard piece of printer paper vertically directly in front of your belly / waist and take a pic of your reflection. If along the entire length of the piece paper none of your skin is visible on both sides: 1 point If at some point along the length of the piece of paper none of your skin is visible on both sides: 2 points If there is no point along the length of the piece of paper where your skin is not visible on boths sides: 3 points Test 2 BELLY BUTTON Wearing your favorite bikini, stand in front of a full length mirror. Put your left arm behind your back and hook your wrist around your waist so your fingers are over your belly and take a picture of your reflection. If your belly button is completely covered by your hand: 1 point If your fingertips are just touching your belly button: 2 points If your fingertips don’t reach your belly button: 3 points If you can’t get your hand in front of your belly: 4 points Test 3 INDEX CARD Wearing a short sleeve or sleeveless top, wrap the long dimension of a 3x5 index card around your right wrist. If your wrist is completely covered by the index card with an overlap of more than 1 inch: 1 point If your wrist is completely covered by the index card with an overlap of less than 1 inch: 2 points If your wrist is not quite covered by the index card with less than a quarter inch of skin showing: 3 points If your wrist is not entirely covered by the index card with more than a quarter inch of skin showing: 4 points Test 4 DOLLAR BILL Wearing shorts, a skirt, a dress, or your favorite bikini and no shoes or socks, wrap the long dimension of a dollar bill around your right ankle. If your ankle is completely covered by the dollar bill with an overlap of more than 1 inch: 1 point If your ankle is completely covered by the dollar bill with an overlap of less than 1 inch: 2 points If your ankle is not quite covered by the dollar bill with less than a quarter inch of skin showing: 3 points If your ankle is not entirely covered by the dollar bill with more than a quarter inch of skin showing: 4 points Test 5 CLAVICLE (aka collarbone) Wearing a strapless top stand in front of a full length mirror; have a friend place quarters (standing on edge) on top of your right clavicle (or collarbone). Your friend should continuing adding quarters one at a time until the last one added rolls down the front of your chest. Your friend counts the quarters. If there are more than 40 quarters on your clavicle: 1 point If there are between 30 and 40 quarters on your clavicle: 2 points If there are between 20 and 30 quarters on your clavicle: 3 points If there are less than 20 quarters on your clavicle: 4 points Test 6 THIGH GAP Wearing your favorite bikini, stand barefoot with your feet next to each other. Have a friend measure the space between your thighs. More than 2 inches between your thighs: 1 point Between 1 and 2 inches between your thighs: 2 points Less than 1 inch between your thighs: 3 points No space between your thighs: 4 points Test 7 BIKINI BRIDGE Wearing a bikini bottom, lay on your back. Have a friend measure the distance the waist-band of the bikini is lifted up above your belly. More than 2 inches between the waist-band of the bikini and your belly: 1 point Between 1 and 2 inches between the waist-band of the bikini and your belly: 2 points Less than 1 inch between the waist-band of the bikini and your belly: 3 points No space between the waist-band of the bikini and your belly: 4 points Tests complete add up your results Total score 12 or less: YOU QUALIFY AS THINSPIRATION, keep doing what you’re doing 13 to 17: YOU’RE A LITTLE PLUMP, better drop a few pounds before you become fat 18 or more: YOU’RE A LARD ASS, lose weight immediately