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 Tween Magazine: The "Do's and Don't"s of Being a Cool Kid (humor, no sex)

   by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com)
Summary: Satirical advice for kids who want to be cool...



   THE "DO'S AND DON'T"S OF BEING A COOL KID

   In these days of constant connectivity and instantaneous updates the
social hierarchy is more prevalent than ever on the schoolyard.  The kids
who are at the bottom of the heap are the ones who get bullied...become
junkies...and even commit suicide: nobody wants to be one of those kids!

   If any of the following describes you, you can stop reading now as you
don't have anything to worry about;

   --- The smartest kid in your entire grade,

   --- One of the five best athletes in your entire grade,

   --- A major celebrity in your own right,

   --- Have a last name that is a common term for a sex act

   Otherwise, read on, follow this advice and you'll be moving up the
social ladder in no time.

   There are many activities that all kids, regardless of their position in
the social hierarchy, participate in.  Kids are not judged on whether or
not they participate in these activities; but rather, on how they execute
these activities.  Such activities include;

   --- Riding a bicycle

   --- Riding a skateboard

   --- Having sex

   --- Sexting

   --- Viewing pornography

   --- Masturbating

   The vast majority of cool kids participate in some combination of the
following activities;

   --- Smoking cigarettes everyday

   --- Drinking alcohol more than three times each and every week

   --- Peeing their pants a few times per month

   --- Making themselves puke (frequently as a participant of a "puke
party")

   --- Cross-dressing

   --- Sneaking out after bedtime

   The vast majority of cool kids differentiate themselves from those at
the bottom of the social hierarchy by executing the following activities in
the following ways;

   --- When riding a bicycle or skateboard; they keep their eyes closed

   --- When riding a bicycle or skateboard; they don't wear a helmet

   --- When having sex; they don't use condoms

   --- When having sex; they have multiple partners (frequently as a
participant of a "sex party" or "rainbow party")

   --- When having sex; they don't limit themselves to one gender

   --- When having sex; they don't limit themselves to people they already
know

   --- When sexting; they include their face in any nude pics they send to
others

   --- When sexting; they send forward things they've received to their
friends

   --- When sexting; they post juicy pics and vids on social media

   --- When viewing pornography; they are in the company of others

   --- When masturbating; they don't try to hide with they are doing

   --- When masturbating; they have no problem being in full view of
family, friends, or strangers

   --- When masturbating; they encourage any younger kids who might be
nearby to watch them

   Un-cool kids, the ones who are at the very bottom of the social
hierarchy, participate in some combination the following activities (so it
is best to avoid doing them ever, if at all possible);

   --- Wearing underwear

   --- Wearing socks

   --- Take virginity pledges

   --- Attend religious services
   --- Eating breakfast