Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience. C. Remi Pi's I Can't Believe They Made That Product Reviews (nosex, humor) by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com) Summary: Reviews for the weird products "readers" found online... PRODUCT REVIEWS... I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY MADE THAT As you already know, we at Tween Magazine believe that for a tweenager to be happy and healthy a tweenager must be well informed. Our new products correspondent, C. Remy Pi has been testing out new, exciting and sometimes unusual products for years. Some of our readers have brought a number of downright bizarre products they've found on the internet to our attention recently. Here's how they stack-up. *** SHOOT-THROUGH PENIS EXTENDER CONDOMS *** What it is: Basically it's a fairly standard latex condom, except the tip is an inch thick and has a hole all the way through it. How it works: Like a regular condom, except using one won't prevent pregnancy. Cool facts: There's a version available where the hole is lined in a moisture reactive dye that will make whatever is shot through it red, blue, orange, or green. Why would anyone buy it: It effectively makes a guy's penis longer...enough said. Our rating: Two thumbs up: does the job its intended to quite well... *** ROCKING HORSE FUCKING MACHINE *** What it is: Think of an old-fashion child's rocking-horse: a somewhat crude wooden horse with curved wood rocker-rails attached to the horse's hooves. Protruding through a hole in the horse's "saddle" is a dildo attached to the tail (which is always in the same position relative to the floor) with a counter-balance mechanism. How it works: The heavy tail remains in the same position relative to the floor regardless of the horse being rocked forward or backwards. This in turn moves the dildo up-and-down through the hole on the saddle. Cool facts: It is available in four colors (gray, black, white, and brown) with dildos of different lengths. Why would anyone buy it: Since it is sized for a young (four to seven year old) child we can't imagine why anyone would. While the manufacturer didn't tell us what the purpose of the product is, they did inform us that it has sold quite well. Our rating: ?: we can figure out why they made it. *** WATERPROFF BOXERS WITH FUNNEL AND URINE FLASK *** What it is: Men's boxer-short underwear made of neoprene with elastic leg-bands; a small funnel in the crotch connected to a plastic flask with a flexible plastic hose... How it works: The wearer can urinate whenever and wherever they are: the urine will simply drain out of the shorts through the funnel, flow down the tube into the flask which is supposed to be worn on a leg. Cool facts: It is available in three colors (black, white, and red) and works effectively for both males and females. Why would anyone buy it: It is ideal for old people with bladder control issues. Our rating: Two thumbs up: does what is supposed to do flawlessly. *** SKY-HIGH HEELS 22-INCH STILETTO *** What it is: Essentially a pair of "conventional" high-heel shoes with a 22" tall stiletto heel and a 17" high platform toe. How it works: Like any other high-heel shoe. Cool facts: It is available in black patent leather only, in sizes ranging from 2-1/2 to 17. Why would anyone buy it: They make an interesting conversation piece? Other than that we're not sure. Our rating: If you want to actually walk in them: two (middle) fingers up: it isn't possible. If you just want an interesting sculpture: one thumb up: interesting, but too odd. *** SILICONE BABY-BUMP IMPLANT *** What it is: A huge surgical pouch filled with silicone jelly: think of a single giant breast implant, intended to make a woman look pregnant. How it works: Surgically implanted under the skin of the belly it makes a woman look pregnant. Cool facts: It is available in multiple sizes. Why would anyone buy it: We can't even begin to imagine... While the manufacturer didn't tell us what the purpose of the product is, they did inform us that it has sold well. Our rating: ?: we can't figure out why they made it. *** CHILDREN'S GLOW-IN-THE-DARK UNDERWEAR *** What it is: Fairly conventional children's underwear, except the fabric glows in the dark. How it works: The fabric is coated with glow-in-the-dark dyes/chemicals. Cool facts: It is available in all children's sizes for both girls and boys. Why would anyone buy it: To sooth kids who are afraid of the dark? When we inquired as to "why" the manufacturer simply informed us that "the product is kids underwear that glows-in-the-dark." Our rating: Two thumbs up: does what is supposed to. *** PEARL SOLED SANDALS *** What it is: Flat soled sandals with the insole completely covered in real pearls. How it works: The wearer's foot is directly on the pearls. Cool facts: The sole is completely rigid to prevent the pearls from coming loose. Why would anyone buy it: Status? Our rating: Two (middle) fingers up: extremely expensive and outrageously uncomfortable. *** RECYCLED CONDOMS BIKINI *** What it is: Exactly what it sounds like: a bathing suit made form 100% recycled material, in this cased used condoms. How it works: It is like any other bikini, except for the fact that it is made entirely from recycled used condoms. Cool facts: Despite the fact that the material does contain actual sperm no one has actually gotten pregnant from wearing one. Why would anyone buy it: To save the planet, duh. Our rating: Two thumbs up: it's exactly what it claims to be. There were a number of other products which we decided not to review (mostly because of their stated intended uses) including: a cervix stretcher, a "creampie plug", a child's clear plastic bikini, a hollow tip-less metal dildo, underwear lubricant, and weirdest of all the Lolita Excretion Control Belt. * Author's note: to the best of "this guy" (the author's) knowledge none of these products actually exist. If such products exist, may god help us all.