Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience. Society for the Endangerment of Minors: Raising Kids the Inexpensive Way (hum) by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com) Summary: Satirical advice for saving money on kids... RAISING KIDS THE INEXPENSIVE WAY Everybody knows that having / raising children is expansive. Here are a few ways to save some money... If your kids are still babies... REUSE DIAPERS: Those fancy reusable cloth diapers are ideal for this, but it works just as well with the disposable ones. If the baby has wet the diaper (peed, not pooped); don't wash the diaper or put it in a dryer, simply hang the wet diaper on a clothesline and let it dry out. Then once the diaper is dry to the touch, you can put it back on the baby. And, if you like the idea of the baby growing up to be a `wetter' (someone who pees themselves...a great form of public humiliation), make sure the diaper is still slightly damp... CUT THE FORMULA: If the baby is fed formula, buy the powdered kind. Don't mix it with bottled water: that stuff is expensive. Instead use tap water. Or if you want to be even more conscious use rainwater, snow, pond water, or road slush; all of which are free. Of course the water is not the expensive ingredient here; use one-half the recommended amount of powdered formula mixed with the same amount of ground up drywall (particularly economical if you buy entire 4x8 sheets of drywall and cut it up yourself). Remember that ground up drywall has less calories and nutrients in it than formula, so the baby will end up being a little on the skinny side...but then again, who wants a fat baby... If your kids are older... SAVINGS ON FOOD: Kids can eat a lot...and if they're eating a lot, that means they're eating a lot of your money. If you force them skip a meal everyday they will start complaining. The trick is to make skipping that meal to be a fun thing for them: make a game out of it. have the kids draw straws before each meal: whoever draws the short stray doesn't eat at that meal. BASIC HYGIENE: In this case letting your kids do what they want will actually save you money. Kids don't like doing things like taking baths; so only make them take a bath if they're really dirty. Kids also don't like brushing their teeth; save lots of money by not buying them toothbrushes or toothpaste. If you have more than one kid, let them take their baths together; the amount of water you'll save is unbelievable. NOT USING THE TOILET: Flushing a toilet several times per day uses a lot of water. In warm weather you can save a lot of toilet flushes by letting you kids pee outside. When the weather is too cold for your kids to go outside, give them a bucket or something similar to pee in. If you have more than one kid a "pee bucket" can turn into a great game for your kids: which one of them will fill it to the "emptying line"... RE-WEARING CLOTHES: Doing laundry gets expensive; what with the water, electricity, and detergent. Unless a particular item of clothing gets obviously dirty (i.e. caked in mud, covered in puke, etc.), have your kids wear each article of clothing for at least three days before washing it. The savings will add up in no time. AVOID UNNECESSARY CLOTHING: You can save a lot of money by simply not buying (and having to wash) clothing item that are unnecessary. Now the question is what articles of clothing aren't actually necessary. The obvious answer here is articles of clothing people never see. Underwear: nobody sees it, if the kids are potty trained underpants don't serve a function, and if your kids do have accidents its one less thing to wash. Pajamas: kids can sleep naked, or the can wear daytime clothes to bed. A slightly less obvious unnecessary item of clothing is socks: lots of kids hate the way they feel. Once they get used to not wearing them are more than happy to skip them altogether. EXTEND THE LIFE OF SHOES: Kids feet grow, which means they grow out of their shoes and need new ones on a regular basis. The easy and obvious way to extend the life expectancy of a pair of kids' shoes is to buy them a little big, so your child will "grow into" them. But you can extend the life expectancy of a pair of shoes on the back end as well. Start by folding the back of the shoe (the part behind your kid's heels) down onto the insole; doing so will increase the length of the area for your kid's feet by about one-eighth of an inch. Cutting away the toe, above the insole, adds another one-eighth inch. And then, if you cut away the back of the shoe (the part that can be folded under your kid's feet) you can and another one-eighth inch. If you go so far as to remove the toe and the back of the shoe, you will add more than the combined quarter inch of length; because the child's foot can be longer than the sole of the shoe... HAND-ME-DOWN CLOTHING: Kids outgrow clothing so quickly. The best move is to try to get free clothes for your kids from relatives, friends, and neighbors for free. If that fails go to yard sales, flea markets, and second hand and consignment stores. If your children are of both genders, try to buy clothes that are "gender neutral": avoid dresses and skirts, pink and purple, anything with gender specific cartoon characters or toys on them... HOBBIES AND OTHER ACTIVITIES ARE OVERRATED: You can spend a small fortune on hobbies and activities for kids these days. Good, wholesome, inexpensive activities for kids include; napping, watching TV, listening to music on the radio, playing board games, playing "make believe", and let us not forget the greatest free kids game of all time, playing "doctor". Household chores are also a good way to keep kids occupied at little or no cost. HEALTHY KIDS TEND TO BE HEALTHY: Doctors and hospitals charge a lot. They are worth every penny if your kid is sick; but if your kid isn't sick, they're nothing more than a waste of money. If your kids are healthy skip the doctor's visit, the doctor is only going to tell you what you already know (your kid is healthy) and then is going to charge you for it.