Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Mal-la Mammone's "A PREGNANT WOMAN'S GUIDE TO...EVERYDAY LIFE" (no sex,
humor)

   by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com)

   Summary: Good alternatives to the everyday things women do, that they
shouldn't do while pregnant...



   After I found out I was pregnant I posted my new status (bun in the
oven) on my mIpage profile.  Lots of Buddies began Clipping things I
couldn't do now that I was pregnant on my board: it seems there are a lot
of thing that women do when they're not pregnant that there not supposed to
do when they are pregnant.

   So, in order to help out other pregnant women, I just put all those
things pregnant women aren't supposed to do, along with things pregnant
women can do instead, into one master list.  Subsequently, I was approached
by Dr.  Des Troy-Arr about turning my master list into an installment of
`Pregnant Woman's Guide to...' So ladies, be sure to have the best
interests of your future baby at heart...

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't drink wine, beer, or liquor.  Instead,
simply remove your bottoms, stick the narrow end of a funnel into your
anus, and pour hard liquor into the wide end of the funnel, then allow
gravity to work its magic; and you'll be drunk in no time.  The best thing
about employing this technique to get a buzz is that since you can't taste
the liquor, you can use the cheapest liquor available.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't drink coffee, espresso, black tea, or soda.
Instead, drink an energy drink; any lack of energy / sleepiness you may
have been experiencing will quickly be a thing of the past.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't smoke cigarettes.  Instead, simply smoke
cigars; whatever stress you were feeling will just melt away the exact same
way it did with cigarettes, but without the potentially harmful aspects to
your future baby.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't smoke marijuana or crack.  Instead, simply
smoke meth; it might not make you feel quite as good, but you'll have lots
of energy.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't sniff permanent markers.  Instead, simply
spray hairspray into your nose or mouth; you'll get a similar buzz and,
thanks to the stickiness of the hairspray, the buzz will last a lot longer.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't use birth control.  Instead of spending
money on condoms, simply go raw with the guys you're fucking.  While you're
at it, make those guys happy by letting them shoot their cum in you: after
all, you're already pregnant, it's not like a little more cum is gonna get
you more pregnant.  Another benefit is not having to deal with getting rid
of gross used condoms.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't use aerosol pesticides.  Instead, use the
powdered kind that get mixed into water; when doing so, be sure to pour the
powdered pesticide into a watering can (so you don't have to worry about
the pesticide being in containers you eat out of) before adding the water,
stir the water around with your hand until the powdered pesticide is
completely dissolved, then apply as necessary.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't use paint sprayers.  Instead, when you
paint your future baby's nursery (in the appropriate color for your future
baby's gender: hot pink for girls, powder blue for boys), simply use a
brush...the smaller the better so you won't miss any spots.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't use nail polish / get their nails done. 
Instead, simply go to your local nail salon and have fake acrylic nails put
on; an added bonus: they can be even more fancily decorated than your own
natural nails, can be longer, and are much less likely to break.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't get a perm / have their hair colored. 
Instead, simply go for the platinum blonde look by bleaching your hair.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't take hot showers.  Instead, simply soak in
a hot-tub; your back will thank you for it.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't ride rollercoasters.  Instead, when you go
to an amusement park, simply stay close to the ground by riding the
bumper-cars: perhaps not quite as fun, but eliminating the vertigo induced
vomiting more than makes up for it.
--- Pregnant women shouldn't use a pussy pump while masturbating. 
Instead, simply hook up a two-inch flexible hose to a leaf-blower and flood

your crotch with air; you might actually have a better orgasm.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't get a tattoo on their belly.  Instead,
simply get the tattoo you wanted on your lower back, hip, arm, leg, chest,
neck, face, or just about anywhere that isn't you belly.  You could even
give your future baby something to look at while being born, by getting a
tattoo on the insides of your pussy lips.

   --- Pregnant women shouldn't get their navel pierced.  Instead, simply
get the piercing you wanted in your lip, tongue, nose, eyebrow, or clit. 
You could even give your future baby a nice surprise by getting you nipples
pierced.