Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Cute Little Smoker, The Truth About Smoking (no sex, humor)

   by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com)

   Summary: Satirical article from a fictional magazine that encourages
youth smoking.



   THE TRUTH ABOUT SMOKING

   There are a lot of outright falsehoods going around about smoking
cigarettes these days.

   We feel it is our journalistic responsibility to address them:

   1. Smoking causes cancer

   Smoking does NOT CAUSE cancer.  It does, however, increase the chance
that one will get cancer slightly.  A comprehensive study done by the
Tar-Hock Institute has shown that a basically healthy person has to smoke
some 148,000 cigarettes to have a 5% higher chance he (or she) will get
cancer than someone who never smoked a single cigarette.  That means that
smoking one cigarette will increase a person's chances of getting cancer by
only 0.0000034%.

   2. Smoking can make you sick

   Smoking will NOT MAKE a person sick.  It has NO effect on the number of
colds a person gets.  Smoking can, however, increase the severity of the
symptoms (coughing in particular).  Smokers do however report having less
severity of running noses...

   3. Smoking gives you bad skin and yellow teeth

   Smoking has NO more effect on a person's skin or teeth than eating food.
Bad hygiene and poor diets are usually the culprits.  Many of the world's
most beautiful models smoke and have better skin and teeth than the vast
majority of the world's non-smoking population.  For example, supermodel
Suzie Dekkins is a four ppd smoker: her skin and teeth are, for lack of a
better word, perfect.

   4. Women who smoke while pregnant give birth prematurely to under-weight
babies

   Smoking will NOT CAUSE a healthy woman to give birth prematurely or to
an under-weight baby.  It does, however, slightly increase the chance that
a healthy woman may give birth slightly earlier than expected and with a
slightly lower birth-weight.  In healthy women the chance of a
significantly premature birth or significantly under-weight baby are
increased by less than 1%.

   5. The majority of kids with cancer smoke, or are around people who
smoke

   More than 99.8% of kids who have cancer have NEVER smoked.  And, 80.4%
of kids who have cancer DON'T have any relatives who smoke.

   Living proof.  We interviewed the families of all the girls who've been
featured in the past few issues of "Cute Little Smoker." The mothers of all
of the girls we've featured in the past few issues smoked during all of
their pregnancies.  Only one of their combined 46 children was born
pre-maturely (by all of nine days).  Only three of the 46 children were
considered under-weight (all of them were over five and a half pounds) at
birth.  Not one of the girls featured in the past few issues of "Cute
Little Smoker" have suffered from an unusually high number of colds.  Each
and every one of the girls featured in the past few issues of "Cute Little
Smoker" have smooth supple creamy skin and pearly white teeth.  All of the
girls featured in the past few issues of "Cute Little Smoker" began smoking
cigarettes before their third birthdays.  Every one of them has smoked in
excess of one pack of cigarettes per day since they turned four.

   The extremes: Ce-Anne (the incredibly cute mixed race girl with the
mocha skin and curly dark brown hair in pigtails) began taking puffs off
her mother's cigarettes when she was eight months old.  And, as of her
fifth birthday (a few weeks before she was featured in last month's issue
of "Cute Little Smoker") smokes nearly three packs of filterless Babes
Super Ultimate 160's every day.  Rhyza (the incredibly cute Filipino girl
with the creamy skin and incredibly long straight black hair) was born
twelve days late at a weight of nine pounds one ounce.  Her mother has been
a chain-smoker since the age of fourteen, and smoked a full five packs each
and every day of her pregnancy.  In fact, Rhyza's mother smoked while
giving birth.  Diane (the incredibly cute girl with the really short blonde
hair) is without a doubt the heaviest smoker "Cute Little Smokers" has ever
featured.  She had just turned seven when the February issue came out; and
at the time was smoking a full six packs of filterless Babes Super Ultimate
160's per day; enough that her parents decided to home-school her to
prevent her from having to suffer through cravings at school.