Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience. Cute Little Smoker, Speed Smoking Contest Results (no sex, humor) by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com) Summary: Article for the results of a satirical contest in which kids try to smoke as fast as possible... We all know that speed smoking is a difficult skill to master. It like any sport it takes drive and commitment, as well as plenty of practice and physical conditioning. Speed smokers push their lung capacity to their limits with repetitive fast deep drags and even faster exhales. All the amazing smoking children who entered the contest deserve our respect and admiration. As in every contest, smoking or otherwise, some individuals will stand out among the crowd. After exhaustive viewing of the videos the cute little speed smokers sent in, our panel of Smoking Gurus have chosen the winners for each age category for this year's Cute Little Smoker Smoking Contest. Just to refresh our memory, this year's panel of Smoking Gurus consisted of; Brad Breth: inventor of the smoke flavored breathmint Haken Coff: holder of the world record for most cigarettes smoked in an hour Emma Fisseem: octogenarian great-great-grandmother who's been smoking since she was 2 Brian Kietuss: smoking cave-diver Lil Neuburne: last year's winner in the pregnant teen category Max Tarr: owner of the largest tobacco farm in the world One more reminder, age categories from age 10 and up have two winners (a boy and a girl), while single digit age categories have only one winner. PREGNANT TEEN SMOKER: Jeannie Brown, the 16 year old was seven months pregnant with twins in the videos she sent in. She smoked an entire Babes Cherry filter-less (standard length) in 71 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 9 and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 11; she currently smokes 2 packs of Babes Cherry filter-less per day. She thanks her parent for allowing her to smoke and is glad they understand the benefits of smoking for pregnant girls, and hopes to help her twins start smoking as soon as possible. 15 AND OLDER BOY: Mike Novack, smoked an entire Draggin mini-filter (standard length) in 63 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 11 and has been a regular/daily smoker since he was 13; he currently smokes 1-3/4 packs of Draggin mini-filter per day. He's happy his parents (who don't smoke) didn't make him quite smoking when they found out he was a smoker a few days before his 14th birthday. 15 AND OLDER GIRL: Gloria Brestlin, smoked an entire Babes filter-less Double-Ultimate in 84 seconds; a time that doesn't sound all that fast until one considers the size of the Double-Ultimate! She had her first cigarette when she was 8 and has been a regular/daily smoker ever since; she currently smokes 2 packs of Babes filter-less Double-Ultimates per day. She's glad her older sister let her have cigarettes, and says her parents are "cool" for letter her smoke as much as she wants. 14 BOY: Noah Loewstein, smoked an entire Bucks Menthol filter (king-size) in 66 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 10 and has been a regular/daily smoker since he was 12; he currently smokes 1 pack of Bucks Menthol filter per day. He thanks his step-father for letting him try a cigarette while they were on a camping trip. 14 GIRL: Nicole Everett, smoked an entire Babes Cherry Light (standard length) in 68 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 9 and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 12; she currently smokes 1-1/2 packs of Babes Cherry Lights per day. She wishes all kids had parents who care enough about them to let them smoke. 13 BOY: Alezndre Kemerov, smoked an entire Grimko filter-less (110mm) in 70 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 5 and has been a regular/daily smoker since he was 6; he currently smokes 3-1/2 packs of Grimko filter-less per day. His father taught him to smoke because everyone who gets any respect in their village smokes. 13 GIRL: Cora McKanik, smoked an entire Draggin Menthol mini-filter (standard length) in 76 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 10 and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 12; she currently smokes 1/2 pack of Draggin Menthol mini-filter per day. She says her parents are anti-smoking and don't know she smokes, so she has to make sure to smoke her cigarettes as fast as possible. 12 BOY: Lou Debonaci, smoked an entire Bucks Black filter-less (100mm) in 74 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 10 and has been a regular/daily smoker since he was 11; he currently smokes 1 pack of Bucks Black filter-less per day. He's glad his grandfather convinced his parents that he was old enough to smoke. 12 GIRL: Helene Sanchez, smoked an entire Draggin White (standard length) in 78 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 9 and has been a regular/daily smoker ever since; she currently smokes 1-1/2 packs of Draggin White per day. She wishes she had asked her mother for a cigarette sooner. 11 BOY: Joey Chesick, smoked an entire King Draggin filter-less (king-size) in 81 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 9 and has been a regular/daily smoker since he was 10; he currently smokes 2/3 pack of King Draggin filter-less per day. He is glad his father convinced his mother to allow him to smoke, but wishes she didn't limit him to 1/2 pack per day. 11 GIRL: Quing Tsu, smoked an entire Dark Chocolate Light (standard length) in 77 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 5 and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 9; she currently smokes 1-1/4 packs of Dark Chocolate Lights per day. She says her father made her smoke whenever he got drunk when she was little and wishes he would have gotten drunk more often, so she could have been able to smoke more. 10 BOY: Lalan Khanish, smoked an entire Grimko filter-less (110mm) in 83 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 6 and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 8; he currently smokes 3/4 pack of Grimko filter-less per day. He's happy his uncle (who introduced him to smoking) hadn't made him keep it a secret from his parents until he was 8. 10 GIRL: Irina Batolski, smoked an entire Grimko Menthol brown-filter (standard length) in 85 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 7 and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 9; she currently smokes 2 packs of Grimko Menthol brown-filter per day. She says her older brother's friends are "the best" for teaching her how to smoke and buying her cigarettes. 9: Julia Hawkings, smoked an entire Babes Extra-Slim Light (150mm) in 92 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 5 and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 6; she currently smokes 1/2 pack of Babes Extra-Slim Lights per day. She is glad her grandfather convinced her mother that is was oaky for her to smoke. 8: DeShawn White, smoked an entire Little Draggin Light Menthol (65mm) in 89 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 4 and has been a regular/daily smoker since he was 7; he currently smokes 1 pack of Little Draggin Light Menthols per day. He says his mother is grateful that he likes cigarettes better than the weed her ex-boyfriend taught him how to smoke. 7: Jeff Conors, smoked an entire Little Draggin Light (65mm) in 96 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 5 and has been a regular/daily smoker ever since; he currently smokes 1-1/2 pack of Little Draggin Lights per day. His mother never understood why people had a problem with kids smoking, and started him at the age she was when she first wanted to smoke. 6: Vicky Corington, smoked an entire Draggin Cutiepies (filtered 56mm) in 107 seconds! She had her first cigarette on her 6th birthday and has been a regular/daily smoker ever since; she currently smokes 1 pack of Draggin Cutiepies per day. Her mother has always thought that smoking is a great bonding experience; so to be closer with her daughter she taught her to smoke. 5: Kiwanbe Moruku, smoked an entire Draggin Light (standard length) in 126 seconds! He had his first cigarette when he was 3 and is not a regular/daily smoker; he currently smokes a Draggin Light whenever his parents give him one. His parents saw a young child smoking when he was a baby and thought it looked "incredibly cute", so they began giving him cigarettes every now and then; he's gotten to be a quite good smoker and likes to show off his smoking skills for whoever is around. 4 AND YOUNGER: Sharon Lefworth, the 3 year old girl was by far and away the fastest smoker in the youngest age category. She smoked an entire Draggin Cutiepies (filtered 56mm) in 139 seconds! She had her first cigarette when she was 18 months old and has been a regular/daily smoker since she was 2; she currently smokes 1/2 pack of Draggin Cutiepies per day. Her parents both come from very pro-youth-smoking families that lived near each other, and started smoking when they were both 5; they believe smoking is an integral part of life.