Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Cute Little Smoker, Interview with Nick O'Tean (no sex, humor)

   by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com)

   Summary: Satirical article from a fictional magazine that encourages
youth smoking.



   INTERVIEW WITH NICK O'TEAN: PROUD SMOKERS FATHER

   CLS: Nick, many of our readers like hearing about others who've chosen
to allow their children to enjoy the pleasures of smoking; so thank you for
doing this interview.
Nick O'Tean: No, thank you.  It's my pleasure to sit down and talk

frankly about the advantages of having children who smoke.

   CLS: Like the majority of parents of children who smoke, you are also a
smoker.

   Nick O'Tean: That's right, I do smoke.

   CLS: Would you mind telling us how old you were when you started
smoking? And how you first started smoking?
Nick O'Tean: Well, I had my first puff on a cigarette when I was six. 
My grandfather sat his lit cigarette in an ashtray when he went to use the
bathroom.  I took one puff and put it back in the ashtray.  At the time I
didn't realize that people inhaled the smoke, but I liked how it tasted; so
I kept my eyes peeled for lit cigarettes I might be able to sneak a puff
off of.  It went on like that, me sneaking the occasional puff from an

unattended lit cigarette, for about three years.

   About month or so before my ninth birthday, I found an entire un-opened
pack on the ground.  I took a book of matches from the drawer in the
kitchen and was able to practice smoking.  Sadly, I made it all the way
through the first cigarette without inhaling once...  I'm not sure how it
happened exactly, but a little ways into the second cigarette I actually
inhaled the smoke: it felt great and tasted so much better.  Since then
I've made sure to inhale every puff from every cigarette I've been lucky
enough to smoke.
CLS: So you started smoking regularly at nine?
Nick O'Tean: No.  I didn't have a steady supply of cigarettes until I
was twelve.  But once I was able to obtain cigarettes whenever I needed

them, I made sure to smoke as much as possible.

   CLS: When and how did your parents find out you smoked?  And how did
they react?
Nick O'Tean: About two months after I began getting enough cigarettes to
smoke every day, my mother caught me smoking in the back yard.  Judging by
her facial expression, and considering she didn't smoke; I figured she was
pretty pissed, but she didn't yell or anything like that.  She calmly asked
me how long I'd been smoking.  I didn't exactly lie, but I wasn't fully
honest; when I told her "over a year".  She asked why I started smoking.  I
was honest about that: I thought it looked neat, and after trying it I
liked how it tastes and feels.  She then asked if I wanted to quit: I said
"no" and she surprised me by saying that was "okay".  Then she really
shocked me by offering to buy cigarettes for me, so long as the money came
out of my allowance...  She went on to say that there were going to be some
ground-rules for me smoking: the only place inside the house I was allowed
to smoke in was my bedroom and she'd buy me three packs per week: so I was

gonna have a limit on how much I'd be able to smoke.
CLS: You must have liked that.
Nick O'Tean: I did and I didn't.  It was great that I was allowed to
smoke in my bedroom and that my mother was going to buy me cigarettes.  But

I wanted to smoke a lot more than a little less than half-a pack per day.
CLS: Did you find a way to smoke more than that?
Nick O'Tean: Yes, but it required a bit of planning on my part.  I made
sure to smoke no more than seven cigarettes in my bedroom per day, and made
sure my mother never say me smoking more than twice outside on any given
day.  Thankfully though, there was lots of time that I wasn't around my
mother (or in the house); which meant I was able to smoke a little over one

pack per day.
CLS: Ingenious plan.  Did she ever catch on?
Nick O'Tean: I don't really know.  The following year, at my birthday,
my mother increased the number of packs she would buy for me (and therefore
the amount I was allowed to smoke) to five packs per week.  Then for my

fourteenth birthday, she eliminated the limit.
CLS: Without a limit your smoking must have really increased.
Nick O'Tean: It did.  Less than a month after my mother did away with
the limit I was smoking about two-and-a-half packs per day.  By the time I

turned fifteen I was up to four packs per day...
CLS: And your mother was okay with you smoking that much?
Nick O'Tean: I don't think she was too happy about it, but she never

said anything.
CLS: Did smoking have any effect on your social life as a kid?
Nick O'Tean: None of my friends knew about me taking puffs on lit
cigarettes I found beginning when I was six; so that may have had some
effect on the way things unfolded.  The first any of them knew about me
smoking was when I was nine and found that full pack of cigarettes.  One
boy, who I had been friends with since pre-school, said that I was "gonna
die if I smoked", but by then I was halfway through the pack.  When I told
him "I had already smoked half the pack and felt great", he called me an

idiot...we never really hung out after that.

   It wasn't until I started smoking every day, when I was twelve that
smoking seemed to have any significant effect on my social life.  The bulk
of the change was that I seemed to start spending more time with older
kids, teenagers, who also smoked.
CLS: Was that a good thing or a bad thing?
Nick O'Tean: Both, I guess.  It made getting help with homework and
school assignments easier.  At the same time though, there seemed to be a
number of older (sixteen and seventeen year old) girls...'bad girl"
types...who kept trying to get me to do stuff I would or could have gotten

in trouble for.
CLS: Older bad girls: sex?
Nick O'Tean: It was more that they tried to get me to sniff powders,
smoke strange things that weren't cigarettes, swallow random pills...you
know do drugs.  Somehow I always managed to say "no thanks"; I certainly
didn't want to be a junkie.  Generally they'd get high and show me their

breasts, or make/let me feel their breasts, or occasionally kiss me...

   CLS: Interesting...  Did you have any friends your own age or younger
who smoked?
Nick O'Tean: The September after I turned fourteen, there was a new boy
in my class: his family had just moved to the area.  Like me, he smoked a
lot more than most of the other kids, so we quickly became friends.  He
invited me to his house after school one day.  We started talking and
smoking in his basement, then his three younger sisters joined us: all

three of them smoking as well...
CLS: How old were they?
Nick O'Tean: Well, let's see: at the time Dan and I were fourteen, Sarah
was twelve, Paula was ten, and the youngest sister Kristy was seven. 
Having started taking puffs off of cigarettes when I was six, I didn't find
the fact that Kristy smoked to be strange in and of its self.  What was
strange about Kristy's smoking was; that she inhaled every puff, was
smoking whole cigarettes one after another...the way her brother and I did!
Out of curiosity, I asked how long she had been smoking.  She just looked

at her brother; he told me she'd had her fist puff when she was two!
CLS: Two: really?  That's pretty young.
Nick O'Tean: Two, really.  He let her take puffs on his cigarettes when
he had to watch her and her older sisters.  So I ended up telling them
about how I had started smoking; and all three girls said they were glad to
hear that there were boys they weren't related to who also liked smoking

and stated as a kid.
CLS: That must have been an interesting conversation.
Nick O'Tean: It was, until Paula said if I married her we could teach
our kids to smoke when they're babies.  I was a bit surprised by her
comment and didn't say anything; then Sarah said that I should marry her

because she was older and we'd be able to have smoking babies sooner. 
Figuring they were joking I laughed...
CLS: Were they joking?
Nick O'Tean: Considering they both stormed off in a huff; they must have
been at least somewhat serious.  Kristy asked why I thought it was funny; I
explained that I had never heard of a baby who smoked or parents teaching
their kids to smoke and that I figured they were kidding.  She really
surprised me by suggesting to Dan that he invite me the next time they go

to a family get-together so I could meet their cousins.
CLS: So you didn't end up dating any of Dan's sisters?
Nick O'Tean: No, I didn't.  But at the beginning of the following
summer, Dan and his parents surprised me by asking if I wanted to join
their family on a little vacation / camping trip at their great uncle's
cabin.  My mother was okay with the idea; and so I went with them.  The
place we went had more in common with a small hotel than a cabin...and it
wasn't just Dan, his sisters and their parents; a substantial portion of

their extended family was there.
CLS: Did they all smoke?
Nick O'Tean: Yes, even their cousin Emma who was about 18 months
old...although she was only taking puffs off her parents' cigarettes.  I
quickly became friends with most of their cousins.  Their cousin Laura and
me even sort of became a couple.  We ended up having a `romance by mail',
so to speak; and a couple days after her eighteenth birthday we got

married.
CLS: How long before your fist baby?
Nick O'Tean: Ten wonderfully smoke-filled months later our first

little-one was born.
CLS: Your wife smoked while she was pregnant?
Nick O'Tean: Laura smoked her regular three packs per day through all
three of her pregnancies...and while breast feeding our little ones as

well.

   CLS: Given all the `smoking by pregnant women will cause a premature
birth' propaganda that's floating around these: were any of your children
born premature or under-weight?
Nick O'Tean: Devon, our oldest, was born right around the due-date.  I
think he weighed six-pounds, eleven-ounces.  Emily, our second, was born a
week or so early and weighed about the same as Devon.  Our youngest, Nora:
she actually was a bit pre-mature, maybe three weeks before the due-date;

and a bit on the small side at just a little over six pounds.
CLS: And have any of them had any health issues?

   Nick O'Tean: No: none at all.

   CLS: Well that's good to hear.  How and when did your children start
smoking?
Nick O'Tean: Laura and I both agreed that her cousin Emma was started a
little too young; for safety reasons...don't want the house burning down.
So, we didn't start giving our children puffs from our cigarettes until
their second birthdays.  At their third birthdays they were allowed to
smoke whole cigarettes, so long as either my wife or I held the cigarette.
For their fourth birthdays, each of our children got a pack of cigarettes,

a lighter, and an ashtray next to their respective beds.
CLS: And your children have been smoking on their own ever since?"

   Nick O'Tean: They have without incident.
CLS: Have you and your wife set any limits on your children's smoking?
Nick O'Tean: In terms of the amount they are allowed to smoke: no, we
let them smoke however little or much they want to.  Devon and Emily are at
about two packs per day; Nora is at nearly three packs per day, I suspect
she'll be the heaviest smoker in the family in a few years.  In terms of
where and when they are allowed to smoke: yes, there are limits.  They can
smoke anywhere in the house, so long as we don't have any un-related
guests, in which case they not allowed to smoke anywhere our guests might
go.  The same rules apply to our backyard.  They can smoke in our cars, so
long as they are in the back seats where the windows are tinted.  They're

not allowed to smoke in the front yard, or out in public.
CLS: What about school?
Nick O'Tean: Obviously they're not allowed to smoke at school, so my
wife puts a nicotine patch on each of them (just above their pubic bone so
they underwear will cover it) before school.  Then when they get home they

can take off the patch and start smoking.
CLS: And their friends?
Nick O'Tean: Laura's older brother, his wife and their four kids live in
the house behind us.  Laura's youngest sister never got married, but she
had two kids and lives a couple blocks away.  Ben and Paula have both
gotten married and have kids, and live in the same town as us.  Add to that
the kids Paula's husband's brother and sister have.  Ultimately they've got
fifteen cousins in the neighborhood who are about their age who smoke to
play with.  And then, on top of that, we (Laura and Paula mostly) have
managed to convince a number of other parents who smoke to let their kids
smoke as well.  When you add it all up there are about two dozen kids in

the area who smoke.
CLS: Any unexpected positive effects of having kids who smoke?
Nick O'Tean: Yes, more than one.  They seemed to potty train in less
time than what a lot of parents have claimed is normal.  Temper tantrums
are very rare and over very quickly: usually they just smoke three or four
cigarettes on after another and then are nice and calm.  They figured out
how to dress themselves appropriately at a fairly young age.  Overall, they

just seem mature for their age.
CLS: Any downsides to having children who smoke?
Nick O'Tean: Two come to mind.  First is cost: between myself, my wife
and our three kids we're burning through about 12 packs of cigarettes every
day; even buying cartons it is kinda expensive.  Second is fear: with all
the anti-smoking propaganda out there and all those fools who've bought
into it, you can't help but to worry about being labeled a "bad parent" or
worse having Children's Services decide you're an "unfit parent" and take
you kids away.