Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience. Cute Little Smoker: Getting Kids to Start Smoking (humor, no sex) by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com) Summary: Satirical guide to help adults get kids to start smoking... GETTING KIDS TO START SMOKING A Carolina Flavor advice column If you're reading this, then you are already on the path to getting kids to start smoking: good for you! While getting kids to start smoking may seem like a quite difficult task, it can be done. Like anything in life that is worth doing, it will require some effort and perseverance; but it is possible. And with a bit if practice, it will begin to become second nature. Do you like the idea of people smoking? If you do, read on... Would you be bothered by the idea that someone you get to start smoking might possibly end up having some health issues many decades in the future? If you aren't, read on... The main reason most people don't encourage others to start smoking (or smoke more than they currently do) is, nine times out of ten, fear. That fear is both fear of rejection (as in "she didn't want to") and fear of judgment ("he might think I'm a bad person for..."). Rejection won't kill you; neither will what someone thinks of you. If you don't try to encourage someone to start smoking out of fear, you have failed just as surely as if you had never wanted that person to try smoking in the first place. Bear in mind, though, there are some people who simply don't want to start smoking. Let's say you've tried to get one of them to start smoking, and she said "no": what then? First and foremost, don't force it: doing so will only strengthen the person's resolve to not smoke. Don't ask why she doesn't want to try smoking; simply let it drop at that, walk away without showing any signs of disappointment or offense. Remember that you will have planted a seed in their mind. Even people who were completely and thoroughly disgusted by the very notion of trying smoking may think more about it...and over time, may become curious enough to try smoking on their own. So that seemingly horrible failure might not end up being a failure after all... Remember, you can never TRY to get too many people to smoke. The more people you try to get to start smoking, the more people will start smoking. While it is true that only twenty-percent or so will say "yes"; if you try to get 100 people to try smoking that means 20 will try; and if you ask 1000, 200 will try... So... Ask, encourage, manipulate! You're may be thinking "that sounds like it would work okay with adults, but I'm reading this because I want to get kids to start smoking...how can you ask kids if they want to smoke?" It's actually pretty simple: offer cigarettes to any unaccompanied children who happen to be near you when you are about to light up, I have... In fact, I have done it in public, many times; and have never once had a single child run away screaming "She's trying to get me to smoke!" At worse they say "no". It might seem surprising, considering all the anti-smoking propaganda out there, but usually they ask why I am offering them cigarettes or why I am trying to get them to smoke. These sort of questions open the door to discussing smoking: giving me the opportunity to keep encouraging them. Contrary to what a significant portion of the population seems to think, many children and adults will try smoking if you gently and persistently encourage them, even when they otherwise probably never would have: so you can make a real difference. Different kinds of encouragement / manipulation work better for different kinds of kids and the absolute best way to prefect your technique is to PRACTICE all the time. Learn something from every success AND every failure. It is not like you are trying to get a child to do their chores; you are trying to get them to do something enjoyable and if you succeed in getting them to try smoking a cigarette you will also have the addictive aspects of tobacco working with you to get them to smoke again. Some expressions / arguments that have proven successful at convincing kids to try / start smoking include; ---"You look way to innocent and timid to ever smoke, I would be stunned if you ever did" (works best with kids who are younger) ---"How can you say smoking is not worth the health risks if you have never even tried it?" ---"Don't knock it until you have tried it." ---"You would look amazing smoking because you look like such a good girl. I bet people would be shocked to see you doing something naughty" (works best on early teenage girls) ---"Just try one pack. You can't get hooked unless you smoke at least 10 cartons so it's easy to stop if you don't like it." Of course there are many other techniques that also work, but only if you try them. You don't have to keep your encouragement work one-on-one; both boys and girls will egg each other on in groups to see the other do something they view as potentially naughty or risky. This is why people, children in particular, take more risks and get hurt more often in groups of peers. Ever seen a ViewTube clip of some boy lighting himself on fire and getting burned alone? No: they always do it in front of friends to prove they aren't chicken. As for girls, they are ruthlessly competitive in groups, especially if they're vying for the attention of someone older than themselves. Targeting groups of kids is a great idea. But for an adult (a person well beyond the teenage years) who doesn't have children, it is all but impossible to openly offer/converse/encourage younger kids, particularly younger girls. It's a bit like missionary work: find some who have just discovered the joys of smoking and encourage them to spread the word; ideally this would be a group of middle schoolers. After getting them to state their own love of smoking, suggest to them that they could share their discovery with others. By asking them if they wish they had started smoking sooner, you can effectively turn them into recruiting agents to preteens. Thanks to their knowledge of their own generation (both in terms of knowing individuals, and knowing the correct generational slang), they'll know how and where to find those kids who would be the most receptive to the idea of smoking and how to introduce them to smoking. Older preteens (one's between ten and twelve) can do the same for kids who are slightly younger (those between seven and nine). That group in turn can get even younger kids (the six and under crowd) involved in smoking... The major follow-on problem to this approach is where such a group of kids could smoke together. Personal experience has taught me that with a bit of creativity, an adult can and should provide such a group of smoking kids with (what they would view as) a "clubhouse" where they could all go and smoke together. In more realistic terms their "clubhouse" would really essentially be a "smoking school", in which the adult would essentially be a "director", "principal", or "superintendent"; not actually teaching anyone directly, but would instead supporting the "students" by providing cartons of cigarettes (dozens of them, as necessary) and periodically cleaning away most (but not all) of the butts and ashes. In doing so, the "director" would effectively be enabling older / more experienced students to teach younger / less experienced students, while also helping them recruit more students (essentially a small snowball getting bigger as it rolls down a hill). The "director" of such a "smoking school" would also have the responsibility of discretely placing a bunch of video cameras (covering all angles of the "school") and recording everything that goes on in the "school". There are a few crucially important reasons why the "director" of such a smoking school must do this. First and foremost, should the "director" of the "smoking school" ever be accused of teaching kids how to smoke (or worse yet end up in any legal hotwater); the video would plainly show that it was the kids teaching and encouraging each other to smoke, not the "director". Secondly, should the "director" be forced to close the "smoking school" as a result of a job transfer (or what not); the video could be a useful tool in encouraging other kids in another locale to try smoking. Thirdly, by showing the video to kids you've already gotten to start smoking; will make it easier to convince them to encourage other (younger) kids to try smoking. And last but not least, there are plenty of people in the world who enjoy watching kids smoke, just like you do; many of whom will pay good money to watch real un-edited video of kids smoking...money which you could re-invest in the kids smoking futures by buying them more cigarettes... What are you waiting for? You have the power to get kids to start smoking. Ask, encourage, offer, manipulate... You can do it: go for it!