Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Cute Little Smoker, Advice From Joy O'Ash (no sex, humor)

   by this guy (thisguy.1066@gmail.com)

   Summary: Satirical advice column from a fictional magazine that
encourages youth smoking.



   SMOKING ADVICE FROM JOY O'ASH

   The cost of cigarettes has been rising of late: are there any ways to
get more out of each cigarette?

   Cash Conscious Cutie

   CCC, As a committed smoker it is your obligation to get the most out of
each cigarette.  Below are three time tested ways to improve your smoking
efficiency;

   "Reuse The Smoke" a.k.a.  "Use A Smoke Balloon" Smoke a cigarette the
way you normally would, except exhale your used smoke into a balloon.  Then
after you finish the cigarette, breathe the air that's in the balloon. 
Reusing the smoke like this will help your body get as much of all those
good things the smoke contains from each cigarette.

   "Hold The Smoke In" When you're smoking take smaller drags.  Inhale as
you normally would; then hold your breath for twenty to thirty seconds. 
When you exhale, do it slowly.  If you exhale slowly enough all the visible
smoke will stay inside you.  Repeat the process until you've finished the
cigarette.

   "Go Filter-less" The easiest way to do this is to simply switch to
unfiltered cigarettes.  Conversely, you can simply cut the filter off of
normal filtered cigarettes (be sure to use a knife with a really sharp
blade so you don't crush the cigarettes).  If you find filter-less
cigarettes too harsh, try using a cigarette holder.  Why would anybody want
to use a filter anyway: it just keeps all those good things the smoke
contains from getting into your body?

   Joy O'Ash

   Everybody keeps telling me that I should stop smoking because I'm
pregnant.  Do I really have to?  If I keep smoking will it hurt the baby?
Will smoking while I'm pregnant have any effects on me?

   Smoking Soon-to-be Single-mom

   Soon-to-be, As many readers of `Cute Little Smoker' know I have several
children: gave birth to the first when I was fifteen and have been pumping
out another one every-other year since, like clock-work.  Simply put: no,
you don't have to stop smoking while you're pregnant.  In fact, I never
stopped smoking during any of my pregnancies.  From some of my previous
columns you may remember that I strictly adhere to the `smoking calculator'
my father introduced me to when I turned ten: every day I make sure to
smoke one cigarette for every three pounds that I weigh.  So, when I gain
weight as a result of being pregnant, I smoke more...  All of the effects
on you from smoking during pregnancy are almost certain to be positive. 
You will gain less weight and stay thinner.

   Joy O'Ash

   I started smoking when I was ten and instantly loved it.  But I hated
the fact that I had waited so long to start, so I vowed that when I had
kids I'd make sure they'd get to start smoking as young as possible.  When
I met my wife I thought I'd found the perfect woman: she smoked between two
and three packs per day, said she started when she was nine, and wanted to
be a mother.  Needless to say I married her.  We've got a four year old
daughter and another little bundle of joy is on the way.  My wife currently
smokes a little over three packs per day, and yes she smoked though both of
her pregnancies.  So far so good, right?  Now for the problem: my wife does
not like the idea of having smoking kids.  Any suggestions on how to
convince her to let our daughter smoke?

   New Dad Needs Help Now

   Needs Help Now, Start by telling your wife that you wish you had started
smoking at a younger age.  How she responds to that statement will tell you
a lot: maybe she wishes she hadn't started smoking at all, maybe she thinks
your daughter is too young to start smoking...  Conversely your wife might
actually like the idea of having kids who smoke, but fears you will think
she is a "bad mother" for it.  If she says she wishes she never started:
you are in a tough situation.  If she thinks your daughter is too young:
remind her of the ages that the girls featured in `Cute Little Smoker' were
when they started smoking; then go on to suggest limiting your daughter to
a specific number of cigarettes per day.  Good luck.
   Joy O'Ash