My Choreographed Death
by John Lubber


I could only imagine how sweet and gratifying it would be to fully plan my own death.  I have only recently become obsessed with death and the dark world of snuff.  I have met numerous souls who are also bent on that final high that only a truly horrific death will bring when fully intertwined with sex and even drugs.  A final day of excess and depravement.  Even a last few hours or just a few minutes of perversion so extreme as to drive most men and women insane.  This is the kind of death I crave and will have.  It’s as if I would be forced to go back in time to a more barbarous time when death with honor was a way of ascending to heaven.

This is not something that can be done in solitude.  This kind of death needs to be, if not witnessed by many, at least filmed or photographed to be shared for all time.  Many have tried to do this with a gun or by jumping from a building, but they pale in comparison with what I have planned.  You see, they did things on impulse and were barely one step ahead of getting caught and had to rush things.  I, on the other hand, have been thinking about this for over a year and reading everything I can on the subject of snuff, suicide, murder, torture, pain etc.  I’ve also viewed and studied every real life death pic on the internet.  Not just the dead scenes you see on the major sites, but the totally gruesome gory shots on the lesser known sites and groups.  It’s the violent, bloody, gutted bodies and dismemberment shots I drewel over.

The one problem is, that I will have to have some help to quench this gruesome hunger.  Of course, I could always build a guillotine and pull the handle while being filmed, but that would be too quick and uneventful.  I could construct a gallows and do the same, but again, so what.  There are some wild and incredible machines that can be built to slowly kill yourself, but I would just lay there and wait and what if something went wrong?  When I am found, and that will be the finale of the event, I want people to be in awe of how I exited this life. They will not believe how a human would willingly take part in and enjoy such horror and mayhem.  I want to take a very active part at the beginning and even after I am no long able to help, and I don’t mean incapacitation, (to be explained later) I want to enjoy and feel every moment of my body dying until that last beat of my heart.

I have worked on the details of my death for a seemingly endless period with my only thought and desire to start my journey.  The months of planning will provide no more than two or three hours of sweet and horrible acts of bodily destruction.  I have taken great pains to use a manner of death that will be slow, painful, purposefully gruesome, but with full protection of my vital organs, and to prevent shock or sudden blood loss, and to ensure that I and my helper maintain complete control of the time of death. I will be lucid until the last and able to see my body mutilated before me.  I want to see my parts thrown in a heap on the floor one by one. Should I pass out, there will be smelling salts used.  I do want pain and when I say pain, I want it to be sudden, shocking, intense and creative.  I want old world pain.

The true difficulty here is in getting help. I just can’t do what I want by myself.  I either need to find someone hell bent on murder like a criminal or pay someone to help snuff me.  I need to find someone or even a couple who will enjoy doing me as much as I will enjoy being done.  I really want a sadistic bitch dom who hates men.  After months of screening, and to make a long story short, I found such a couple.  They talked with me on IRC for months and seemed very serious and perverted like me.  They were definitely sexual sadists and into snuff.  From what they said during our conversations, they had already snuffed at least one or more people out on their farm in Missouri.  In fact, they lived on 5000 acres in the area called the Breaks, way out in the middle of nowhere where, even if I let out blood curdling screams, no one would hear. I really liked them and I felt we were a match made in hell.

After a few months, they sent me their picture.  I was amazed at how normal they appeared.  We all have our dark side thank Satan.  It was the darkest side that I needed now more than ever.  The dark horrible desires of three people would be blended into one vicious three hour event that would start with me plunging a knife into my gut and end in a totally mutilated body of a man, alive till the end and consenting to all the mayhem and gore that these sick perverts could inflict.
There was a long process of negotiations on what they wanted to do to me and how long it would last vs. what my wishes were.  We talked out every detail, weapons, duration, pain threshold, blood and finally, the death blow.  They were some sick fucks and really wanted to torture me over a few days.  We compromised on virtually everything.  I did yield on one wish of theirs.  They wanted to slice off my genitals before I stabbed myself .  I figured what the fuck.  I’d be dead soon and the pain would soon disappear into the background of the whole gruesome event.  I kinda liked the idea of seeing my cock and balls on a plate.  Knowing that my manhood was first to go would make it easier to end it all and proceed with my plan.  After all, what would I have left to live for?

After fully negotiating the exact methods, manner and timing, we moved on to the date.  Now this was tricky.  I had to tie up my loose ends and just disappear.  I made plans with work for a two week vacation.  I turned my website into total public access so that my death could be fully published afterward for all to see and enjoy.  The snuff couple would post the gory details for months after my death.  I bought a top quality video camera and a prosumer digital still camera for the event.  Both would be on tripods and capture every facet of my destruction and every drop of blood and expression of delight and horror on my face. I had no family so that was easy.

Monday July 25th would be the day I died.  If all went well, a death/suicide/murder would take place that would shock the nation in it’s shear horror.  In the best tradition of Gein, Dahmer, The Ripper and the Marque de Sade, I would die a truly indescribable death.  I left my house for the last time and took only one change of clothes.  I would drive a day and a half to get to their ranch in a stolen car and ditch it just inside the Missouri border.  I would wear a disguise for the last part of the trip and arrive at night.  Joseph, I’ll call the husband, would pick me up on a deserted road after midnight 50 miles from their ranch.

It was cold this night as I walked along the dirt road.  By the next midnight, I would be dead.  I wanted to die in the summer on a hot steamy night.  As I would be naked and die the way I was born, I craved the sticky heat for the end.  I wanted my body to be drenched in sweat.  A cold death is not what I want.  I saw a car in the distance and as it began to slow, I thought of all the planning and devotion to this deed these many months.  I wanted this so fucking bad.  I wanted to feel the pain of being hacked apart and having cold steel invading my body.  I wanted the freedom to die in a way few men can imagine in their worst nightmare, much less experience in the flesh.  The car stopped and I opened the door.  I looked in and it was Joseph.  He got out and pushed me against the car and frisked me.

“I just wanted to make sure this wasn’t a set up,” he said.

“I’m here as agreed”, I said.  “My death is in your hands.”

I got in and we drove off for miles and made a left turn onto a long dirt road.  There were only stars in the distance.  This was desolate.  We could truly do whatever we wanted and no one would know.  Finally, I saw a house and light in the distance and a large barn.  Joseph pointed out the barn and said, “That’s where we’ll do it.” As we parked, I walked to the barn and looked inside.  It was dark, but then Joseph snapped on some very bright lights, almost like a studio.  There was a large 24in wide column in the middle with two diagonal beams sticking out at about shoulder high.  There were iron ringlets all up and down the side of the column and the beams.  There was a large role of rope ready for use at the base.  The floor was heavily covered in hay. 

Joseph said, “It will soak up the blood and we can burn any trace of you afterword.”

I just smiled at him.  “By the way, how will you dispose of my body?”, I asked.

He laughed and then showed me the cattle feed troughs out the back door. 

“You will be ground up with some corn and fed to my cattle.  You will become hamburger for thousands of people.  How does that sound?” he said.

Those poor people will become cannibals when they go to their local Burger King and won’t suspect a thing.  This was truly the icing on the cake, to continue the event and let those poor unsuspecting souls take part in my death.

We went into the house and Jane, a true fucking bitch as I was to find out, was sitting at the country kitchen table sipping some tea.  She had waited up for us, obviously a little worried about her husband bringing a stranger into the house for what we were about to do.  She was in her forties and attractive, but not beautiful.  She looked me over and offered me some tea.  We all sat and chit chatted.  She finally asked me if I was truly ready and willing to die as we had planned these many months or was I a chicken shit like the others.

I just nodded and said, “Yes Mam.  I’ve been ready for months.  She went on to say, “Are you prepared for the amount of pain you will endure?  This is no longer fantasy and once we begin, there is no turning back.  Once you are tied to the beam,  we will not let you down for any reason.  When you are finally untied, I promise you that your family and friends will not recognize you as you, much less as human.  Do you fucking understand me? Do you realize what I’m going to do to your body?

Her initial smile had disappeared and she was deadly serious.  Joseph looked at me also for any sign of hesitation. I again nodded yes and asked if they had a knife.  Joseph asked me what I wanted it for and I told him it was to show them both that I could and would endure the pain and that the death we were about to start  was precisely what  I wanted.  Joseph handed me a nice sharp knife and I just stared at both of them and put it against my forearm.  They just watched with barely any expression as I firmly sliced through my skin about half and inch deep and six inches long.  I tried to remain still as I did this, but it did hurt a lot.  I gasped and dropped the knife to the floor and watched as the blood ran from my arm onto the  table.  Jane calmly got up and brought me a white towel and wrapped my arm tightly.  I just stared at them for any reaction and they smiled slightly continued sipping their tea.

I thought I’d made my point and we just talked till almost 2AM.  Joseph said he would come get me at 11AM.  I was to have no breakfast and since I didn’t eat anything that night, my bowels would be clear.  We didn’t want anything to ruin this well thought out death.  As we all went to bed, I could hear only the sound of the wind outside and a coyote in the distance.  The cattle were making some noises and I could just imagine how I would become part of their meal within 24 hours.  I didn’t sleep at all or only in brief moments.  I just lay there looking up at the ceiling dreaming of what we were about to do.  I still had many unanswered questions.  Would I truly be able to endure the pain without screaming and wailing the entire time?  Would my body defy me and give out too soon?  Would I panic and try to back out when the time came?  These are the questions that no man can answer until the actual time.  Only then will it truly become real and painful.  All the fantasy will be left behind.  I can never repeat this event or even remember it afterward.

I suddenly woke up and stared at the clock.  It was 10AM.  Joseph would soon be here and by noon it would begin.  I felt a sudden panic and almost went for the door.  If I didn’t go through with this now, I would regret it forever.  We had planned it so well and these were definitely the people to help me.  I had to go through with it and live out my dream.  I was going to fucking die today and die well.  I calmed down and threw some cold water on my face and then drank a little.

There was a knock on the door and I opened it to see Jane instead of Joseph.  She smiled for the first time and handed me a glass of wine.  She said it was homemade and she had added a small amount of prozac to calm my nerves just in case.  I quickly drank it down and we walked toward the barn.  The sun was high in the sky already and it was going to be warm just the way I wanted it.  As she opened the barn door, I saw the video and still camera in place and the lights were on.  It was like a movie set and I was the star for my one and only performance.  They were so matter of fact about everything.  There was a table in front of the beam.  There was a six inch bowie knife, a Wyoming gutting blade, an ax, and some surgical tubing.  Part of our planning was to ensure that I would not bleed to death and ruin everything.  Both my arms and legs would be tightly bound with the tubing above where any cutting would occur.  Even when my appendages are hacked off, I will still not bleed to death.

Joseph asked if I was ready and I really couldn’t speak.  I just nodded and began to take off my clothes.  They watched intently as I disrobed.  Amazingly, as I slid down my briefs, I was rock hard.  Death and sex are so damn intertwined for me.  They always have been.  I don’t know why, but it is this combination that has led me here now to this death.  I always feel the need to be killed intensely before my orgasm.  It does wain afterward, but it always comes back soon.  Jane looked at my cock and then the knife on the table.  Cutting my genitals off was always her idea.  I had wanted to stab myself first so that this pain would blend in but she was insistent.  In the scheme of things, I just didn’t think it would matter.

Jane told me in a commanding voice to stand up by the column and spread my arms to match the beams.  I just casually walked over and did as she asked while looking at the death implements on the table.  I just couldn’t believe this was now about to start.  I felt my cock get even harder.  I leaned up against the column and she began tying the surgical tubing around my left bicep.  My right arm had to be fully functioning to hold and use the knife.  She made it tight and my left arm immediately got cold and began to turn white.  Then she did my legs and had to work to get the proper pressure.  Afterward, Joseph began to tie me to the column.  He was careful to loop the rope through every ringlet and completely immobilize my legs and torso.  After almost 30 minutes, my legs, waist, chest, left arm and both shoulders were tightly lashed.  I could only move my right arm.  My range of motion was perfect to wield a knife and stab my gut.  They both stood back and looked proud of their handwork.  I tried to move and couldn’t.

Joseph turned on both of the cameras and peered through the lenses.  He looked up at me and said,  “Looks great. It’s ashame you won’t see this, but all your fans will.”

I felt a huge amount of satisfaction knowing that thousands of people would enjoy my death and that even more would be shocked by the method and nature of this event.  Some would even unknowingly ingest my body weeks from now.

“We are ready.” Jane said as she picked up a small paring knife off the table and looked at me.  There was a glass mason jar on the table with some formaldehyde halfway up.  My genitals were to be her special prize and she seemed disgustingly giddy as she looked at Joseph for approval to start the show.  The cameras were on.  I was immobilized.  My snuff couple was ready and now so was I.

I looked at Jane and said, “Please give me the death I crave.  I’ll do my best to be strong and keep up my end of our agreement.  Cut my fucking cock off and then give me the knife you fucking bitch!!!!!!!!”
“Not so fast.” she said and began to use her hand to caress my cock.

She slipped the knife under one of ropes against my gut and handled my cock like a lover.  She gently dry fisted me and squeezed my sac.

She quietly whispered to me saying, “I wished I could have fucked you last night, but hubby would never go for it.”
I looked over at Joseph who was still fooling around with the cameras.  My cock was rock hard and her hand was warm and soft.  I began to forget, for just a moment why we were here.  She quickened her pace and sensed my eagerness to cum.  My hips instinctively pushed to her fist and my balls tightened.  I felt so fucking good like this a prisoner about to cum and then be executed.  This was a true snuffees dream cum true.  As I got closer to my sweet climax, I hadn’t noticed that she’d taken back the knife and evidently placed it under my sack.  Suddenly as I felt the first pangs of orgasm, she grabbed my sack and cock and viciously brought the sharp blade up through my genital mound and I screamed as the hot searing pain wracked my groin.  As she stepped away, I looked down and could only see blood oozing out where my cock once stood erect.

Through the waves of pain, I looked up at her face and then down at her left hand.  She smiled with a hate that took me by surprise.  She had played me like a pro.  In her left hand was my still erect penis and balls, bloodied and so lifelike.  In her right hand was the knife that would soon be buried in my gut, also bloodied and dripping.  She held my cock up for Joseph to see and then dropped it into the glass jar.  The liquid overflowed and she quickly placed the lid on tightly.  My groin was on fire, but it was tolerable.  Time was moving slowly and I now longed to take back some control.

“Give me the knife please.  I want to start my journey.  You’ve had your turn.  It’s my turn now.”

This was like a kids game with turns and rules.  She had had her fun and now it was the time I’d planned for so damn long.  I was going to take the sweet cold bloodstained bowie knife and plunge its length as fiercely and deeply into my body as I could and feel the wound to my very soul.  I had tried this many times in the past and almost did it.  I could never really do it because of the damage it would do and suffering through the healing process.  Now, I could dispense with all that aftermath and savor the violent act and enjoy the pain with the certain knowledge that my gruesome death would soon follow.

Joseph had to tell Jane to put down the jar.  She had been studying my genitals like a doctor.  She gently placed the jar on the table and picked up the knife.  I struggled to reach out and take it from her.  She hesitantly handed it to my free hand and stepped back.  Both she and Joseph stood to the side to get a good view.  I took a firm hold on the handle and held it up high.  Like a golfer, I made a few practice swings and they weren’t sure when the real attempt would be made.  I screamed with each practice run and even pierced the skin.  They could see the blood in three different spots.  I had never gone this far before and while aprehensive of the coming pain, I was ready.  I wanted to shock them.  I looked at Jane and with as much force as I could swung down my arm like swinging an ax.  My body reacted as any living body would as the blade easily made its way through my skin, muscle, intestines and came to a rest with only the handle showing.

I never took my eyes off Jane until my right hand fell off the handle.  I struggled against the ropes and started to pull at the knife.  What they did not know was that I wanted to pull it out and do it again.  Joseph grabbed my arm and lashed it to the beam just like my left.  Jane quickly tied some surgical tubing around my bicep.  The pain was unbearable and while I had never experienced anything like this before, it was exactly as I’d imagined.  My gut was on fire.  I couldn’t catch my breath.  The wound was just below and to the right of my navel.  The blade was six inches long and buried to the hilt.  I could only imagine the damage to my intestines.  I could feel every inch of the blade. Even with my cock gone, I could feel that wonderful feeling of arousal.  By not letting me cum, Jane had kept my libido at a high state and this is what helped me carry out my task.  She was smart.

There was surprisingly very little blood.  I hadn’t hit an artery thank god and we had decided to leave the knife in place until later on when I’d be gutted.  This was indeed all I’d dreamed of and more.  Waves of pain ran through my body from my groin to my gut, but I was fully in control and ready for more and worse things to come.  Much worse.

Joseph walked to the table and picked up the gleaming ax.  It was huge and sharp.  He walked by me and grazed it against my midsection leaving a thin trail of blood.  I didn’t even feel it slice into my skin. I would feel it later if all went well.  Jane was all smiles now and ready to inflict as much violence on me as a whole living body could take while still in one piece.  Per our agreement, I was to be taken apart bit by bit, piece by piece until only my torso and head were whole.  At that point, the Wyoming knife would be used to carefully slice open my body allowing my intact innards to fall out like bloody spaghetti.
My dickless arousal was now strong.  My pheromones were raging with a huge dose of adrenalin.  I wanted to continue and feel what few mortals can even begin to imagine.

“Do it.  Do it now.  Hurry up and cut one of my arms off.” I yelled at Joseph.

I had lost track of Jane.  She suddenly appeared holding some pruning shears.  These were not part of our plan and I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of betrayal.  I could feel the evilness of this bitch from the first.  She had begged to cut off my cock and I’d agreed.  Now I was helpless and at her mercy.  My left arm had become limp and almost blue from the tubing.  There was no blood movement inside.  My legs were not far behind, but would never get to the point of my left arm.  There was just no way to cut all of the blood flow off.

Jane placed the blades of the shears around my left thumb and squeezed the handle hard.  I could feel the dull pain as the bone snapped and my thumb fell to the floor.  She picked it up and rubbed my face with the bloody side.  She quickly repeated the exercise with all four fingers.  I felt a very subdued  sort of pain.  It was strong, but not searing.  The crack of the bone in the shears was unnerving and made me momentarily forget about the blade in my gut and my still burning, blood oozing groin.  There was a nice puddle of blood between my feet now.  I looked up at my left hand and blood was dripping from the stumps of my fingers.  I couldn’t move my hand at all.  My palm was facing out and flat against the beam.  Jane then took the ax from Joseph and held it above her right shoulder carefully aiming at my hand or wrist.  She swung it hard and it both jarred the column and cut my palm in half.  It fell to the floor, barely recognizable as part of me.  Again I looked up at my hand and only a useless stump was left.

I could feel it now as this was a larger part of my body with more life than my fingers.  My breathing was heavy as my body felt the beginnings of shock.  Regardless of my determination, I could not control my body’s autonomic responses.  The pooling of blood in my torso as a result of the shock would  be a good thing for our plan.  Jane could see I was in some distress and poured me a large glass of the same wine spiked with prozac.  She gently held it to my mouth and allowed me to drink as much as I wanted.  It was sweet and had a calming effect.

“Did you like my surprise?” she said.

I could only nod, still not being able to catch my breath.

“Are you ready to continue?”

Again, I nodded  my approval and waited for the next attack on my body.  All of my hopes and dreams for a violent, sadistic and horrible death were coming true and I could feel the kind of pain that only soldiers on the field of battle get to experience.  This was truly an honorable way to die.

I was in my own version of heaven and any sane person’s most horrible conception of hell. Only a handful of people in modern times had gone through what I am now experiencing. Even the most despicable of third world dictators would do to a person what was being done to me.  I was indeed lucky and with only a short time to live, I could only hope for more pain, blood and gore to follow.

Jane came up to me again and whispered into my ear.  She asked if I remembered how it felt to have her hands on my cock.  I closed my eyes and thought of it.  She talked dirty to me and it calmed me.  She put her hand on the knife handle and pushed it.  I flinched as I felt the blade move inside my body where it had torn my organs apart.  She suddenly pulled it out with a sucking sound.  I gasped in pain and screamed at her.  The whispering continued and as I looked down at a stream of blood flowing from the hole, she said my cock was actually being soaked in olive oil not formaldehyde and that she was going to cook it later for a snack.  Just as I smiled at the thought, she pushed the blade into the wound where my cock once stood proud and hard.  A searing burning pain shot deep into my groin as she sunk the knife to the handle.  I passed out only to be revived minutes later with smelling salts and looked down at my new steel cock.  The pain was unbearable and I tried to get my hands free.  She laughed at me and said, “Go ahead and try to pull it out.  I’ll give you the chance in a minute and cut your arms free.

Jane picked up the ax and I screamed as she hacked off my right arm at the elbow and then did the same to the left.  I cried out as she then cut the ropes binding my arms and let them flail about.  I tried to make my useless stumps reach for the knife to pull it from my groin, but I had no hands.  Jane again cackled and laughed and picked up my arms and threw them into a small wheel barrow.  Then she picked up my fingers, thumb and palm and did the same.  As if in slow motion, I watched my arms moving through the air with blood dripping all the way.  The fact that I had no hands quickly became my new reality. Had the tubing not been tight, I would be bleeding to death.  The pain wracked my body to the core.  I was in agony.  The sharp blade that had taken my manhood now sliced into my body like a blow torch.  My arms hung now with a dull pain I can’t describe.  I was well on my way to death and now I knew what pain was.  This was bittersweet torment at the hands of a sadist in the form of a woman.

I was now dying flesh in deep pain and less than whole.  If we stopped now and called an ambulance, what would I have to live for with no genitals, arms and my guts sliced up.  It was real and not real.  It was horrible and yet good.  Jane just paced back and forth looking at me for any sign of regret.  I was still determined as ever through the intense pain and agony my body was enduring. Joseph just stayed in the background with a deadpan look.  He was obviously controlled by the bitch.  I looked at her and managed a smile and said.

“I’m waiting for you to give me something real and quit fucking around you fucking dyke.”

I barely got the words out when she went into a rage and swung the ax at my legs as if she was cutting down a tree.  The column shook and dust dropped from above as the blade tore through my calf.  She didn’t even aim as she swung and it took five swings before both legs were gone below the knee.  I let out a murderous wail that came from deep in my lungs.  The pain was so intense that I lost consciousness again............

The smell of the salts brought me out of my haze.  My shock was now deep and my vision was in black and white.  I looked down to see my lower legs on the ground before me.  As my head hung with little movement, Jane picked up the Wyoming blade, a blade designed to gut an animal and not tear into the bowels.  She grabbed it and held it up to my face.  I could just get the words out and whisper,

“Open me up.”

I looked down as she pushed the razor type blade into my left side and slowly pulled it across my belly.  With my body on fire in some areas and the intense bone crushing ache of my arms and legs, I scarcely felt my flesh open up.  Blood poured slowly from the opening and she finally made the full cut to my right side.  My belly began to bulge and my intestines began to slowly push out.  They slid between the flaps of my wound all 30 feet in strands of blood.  I could feel my insides empty as they fell down my legs to the ground.  As the last inches fell free, there was a tugging feeling up to my throat.  Only when she sliced them free, did that feeling go away.  Blood flowed easily now from my open cavity.  How I wanted to see the video of this.  Thank Satan that others will get to enjoy it.

I was as close to being dead as a man can be.  There was nothing left of my body to save.  The only thing that brought me this far was my willpower and the surgical  tubing holding the flow of blood back.  My pain threshold had been breached and my wildest death wish had been fulfilled.  I hung by the ropes being held in place only by their tension around my torso.  I could no longer hold my head up.  I now longed for the fucking bitch to finish me.  She looked almost bored now after two hours of watching me suffer.  My body needed to die.  I needed to be finished now before I lost consciousness one more time.  She knew it also and pulled the knife from my groin.  I didn’t even flinch.  I had nothing left.

“Got any last words you cockless faggot?” she said.

“Kill me if you can bitch.  I don’t think you know how.” were my last words.

Jane held up my head and made a deliberate slash at my throat slicing through to the jugular.  I was only vaguely aware of the pain. She then picked up the ax and I looked at her with my last glimpse of life.

“Die you fucker, Die!!!!!!!!” was all I heard as she swung the ax at the gaping wound in the center of my body.  As my head fell and my blood pressure dropped, I watched the flicker of light showing my lower half falling to the ground.

Epilogue:
I died a death one can only dream of in the worst of nightmares.  I savored the pain.  I loved seeing the sadistic bitch enjoy my death.  As my soul began to burn in hell with all like me, I rejoiced and began to scream in agony for all eternity.