One of the last places in North America where you can produce a snuff film is
Mexico.  It is just too risky in the US or Canada.  After receiving a death
sentence from my Dr a few months ago, and loving snuff the way I do, I decided
to combine the two.  If I was going to die while still in my youth and from a
horrible disease, why not give something to the snuff film world and go out the
way I want with honor.

People who commit suicide with pills or a gun are hacks.  They don't realize the
opportunity they have to die with honor and make a statement.  I'm not for
suffering in my chosen death method, mind you, I just want to experience a
spectacular death and have it filmed for all to see in the dark world I have
enjoyed for so long.  I told a few of my friends what I was going to do and
promised them that the video would be sent to them after it was over.

I had a few contacts in Tijuana for films and knew they could hook me up with
some of the guys who produced them. I tied up all my affairs and loose ends and
headed south.  After finding a hotel in Tijuana, I went to a seedy part of town
and found my old friend Jose.  He seemed surprised and saddened after I told him
I was dying, but he thought he could help and said the producers of these films
were always looking for volunteers, usually druggees.  In my case, I was a fully
consenting adult.  The only drugs I sought were oxycontin and ecstasy.  For the
death I wanted, I'd need plenty of pain killers if I were to be conscious and
lucid until the end.

Jose gave me the painkillers for free since he'd get a finders fee for bringing
me to the filmmakers.  They don't usually do snuff with guys, but if I were
willing to snuff a girl first as part of the story, then they would use me.  I
could have just paid someone to kill me, but that wasn't what I wanted. 

We boarded a bus to a small town 300 miles south way out in the desert.   The
bus let us off in the middle of no where.  Within minutes, a crappie old Chevy
pulled up and I was frisked and we sped off for a place in the mountains another
hour away.  When we arrived, I was parched and tired.  We had a nice dinner and
drank tequila.  These were some slick boys who produced these films and always
one step ahead of the law.  A few hundred american dollars always greased the
cops.

Once they knew I wasn't a cop, we got down to business.  They wanted to film in
a few days.  No film ever took more than a day to shoot and turned 10s of
thousands in profits.  They wanted me to chase a girl through the woods, catch
her, tie her up, rape her and then gut her before I slit her throat to kill her. 
Afterward, her boyfriend and his friends would catch me and do whatever I wanted
them to do to me.   Rafael, the director, said I could have whatever I wanted
for the scene of my own death.  They had never done a film like this before and
so he decided to indulge me.  I told him that I wanted to be quickly dismembered
until only my torso was left and then have the guys cut my torso in half to kill
me.  If all went well, and they worked quickly, I would still be alive for the
camera with only my upper torso and head.  I could talk so everyone would know
the film was not faked.  Rafael was amazed at how cavalier I was talking about
my own death and how gruesome it was going to be.  He quickly agreed and knew it
would be a winner.

We were to film on Tuesday.  I had to study a cheesy script which I could ad-lib
my way through if I wanted.  On Monday, we would choreograph and story board the
two death scenes so that it would flow correctly and look good for the camera. 
We all got drunk Monday night and had a great time.  I gave Jose the addresses
of my few close friends back home for some free copies.  I slept like a baby the
night before I would kill and then be killed. 

The girl was a local drug dealer who had betrayed a big supplier.  To save her
family, she had to agree to be snuffed in this film.  I felt bad for her, but it
was the way things were done down here.  I was assured she would be drugged up
and feel nothing when it was time for me to snuff her.  I would also be close to
an OD myself when my time came.  They said I'd have to act as if I felt the pain
because the combo of the two drugs was very effective.  Rafael said he'd seen
one girl chop off her own wrist with a hatchet, lay the hatchet down and use her
one good hand to finish eating a sandwich in one scene.  Another time, a woman
gutted herself and then ran around the set with her intestines hanging out
before she collapsed.

I was glad to hear the drugs would keep me mostly pain free.  I wanted to add
one part to the scene.  The men who caught me would force me to stab myself
first or they would cut off my genitals before killing me.  Rafael agreed.

I got up quickly Tuesday morning and we all had hangovers.  The whole crew, the
girl and I had breakfast.  She was very pretty and I had a hard time believing I
would kill her before noon and that I would be dead by 2 PM.  It was now 9 AM
and Maria downed a huge amount of tequila and then swallowed a hand full of
pills.  She just looked at me and smiled.  She then leaned over and kissed me on
the cheek and left to get dressed in her sleazy outfit for the shoot.  I just
wore the jeans I was in with no shirt. 

It was simple, we would stand in the middle of the wooded area. We would argue. 
She would run toward a camera. I would knock her out, pick her up, take her
inside a barn where I would tie her to the wall and then kill her.  Afterward, 
her boyfriend and some other guys would find me drunk on the floor of my home
and tie me to a large beam where they would force me to stab myself and then
hack me to death as I watched and screamed.

Before I knew what was happening, we were ready to shoot.  I took my spot in the
middle of a clearing and Jose shook my hand and said to have fun.  Maria took
her spot and the director yelled, "Action."  Maria began cursing at me in
spanish and slapping me.  I wasn't prepared for that and tried to defend myself. 
She then pulled out a knife and stabbed me in the gut.  I flinched and fell to
the ground shocked and surprised.  Rafael yelled, "Cut."  I stood up and they
laughed at me including Maria.  They got a very real scene.  I was bleeding but
it didn't matter since I'd be dead soon. 

The next scene called for me to chase Maria through the woods, catch her and
knock her out.  As she took off toward another camera, I followed and grabbed
her.  As she kicked and spit at me, I hit her hard across the face and she fell
to the ground.  I then picked her up and carried her to the barn.  There were
shackles on the wall for her hands and feet and there were bright lights to make
the scene suitable for the camera shot.  It was like a hollywood set.  I tied
her ankles and wrists to the wall and she struggled and continued to spit at me. 
I gagged her and ripped off her clothes.  She had a beautiful body and luscious
breasts.

Now came the hard part, I had to kill another human being if I wanted to be
killed in the manner I had chosen.  I pulled out my knife and slashed at her
thigh as I sucked on her breast.  The drugs had obviously taken effect as she
didn't even notice the gash in her leg.  After seeing it, she just looked at me
with fear in her eyes.  I was to stab her a few times before gutting her.  The
cameraman came up along side and filmed a close-up as I kissed her cheek and
thrust the knife into her belly.  He eyes bugged out and she just stared at me. 
I pulled it out and then stabbed her on the left side.   I couldn't tell if she
was in pain or just shocked knowing she would be dead soon.

I pulled down my pants and I was erect and ready to rape her bleeding body. 
This would be our last sex if you can call it that.  I pushed my cock up between
her legs and forcefully fucked her dying body.  She felt warm and tight and
seemed to enjoy this last pleasure.  I almost forgot about the camera and crew. 
I climaxed inside her, pulled out and zipped up.  She smiled even though she
knew I was about to finish her off.

I rubbed my hand in her blood and wiped it on my chest and her face.  Now I had
to gut her like a pig.  I took the sharp edge of the knife and raked it against
her left side till it tore open her body then quickly sliced across to the right
side then up to her ribs.  She moaned and dropped her head.  As I pulled the
knife out, her bowels spilled out over her genitals and thighs and onto the
ground.  It looked like thick red spaghetti with blood everywhere.  After
allowing the camera to film the scene from every angle, I was to slit her throat
finally killing her.  She just looked at me as I held the blade to her neck
finding her artery.  I sliced deep and fast.  The blood shot out with force like
a broken water main and her eyes closed as she lost consciousness.  She was
dead.  I kissed her cheek again.

Now it was my turn.  They cut her down and took the body away in a pick up 
truck.  Would that be my fate?

They had to set up for my scene and get the lights ready in the house.  I only
had an hour.  Jose gave me the pills, nearly a half dozen of each and a bottle
of tequila.  I took them all at once and then a swig.  I finally got the worm
this one last time.

After the half hour was up, I was feeling pretty liquored up and definitely no
pain.  Walking was not easy.  I took the knife and cut my arm.  I only felt the
pressure and watched as the blood oozed out.  Like sitting in a dentist chair, I
was numb and ready for the drill.  But there was no drill, only a knife and an
ax.  I prayed for a painless yet spectacularly horrible and gruesome death.  I
wanted people who saw this video to marvel at the mayhem that was about to
befall my body.

I was told to lay on the floor and hold the bottle of tequila in my hand and
pretend to be unconscious.  This was not much of a stretch.  The guys would
burst through the door and drag me to my death and tie me to a beam near the
same barn where I had killed Maria.

I barely knew the filming had started when the door burst open and several men
cursed at me in spanish and kicked and beat me as they dragged me outside into
the open yard.  I was so drugged by now that I didn't feel anything.  The
cameras followed as they held me up against a large beam and tied me around the
neck, chest, waist and legs, so tightly that I was choking.  They allowed my
arms to be free, but I couldn't struggle in my condition.  One man held a
machete, another held an ax and a third held a knife.  I didn't understand the
language, but I knew what I was supposed to do. 

They sliced off my belt and dropped my pants.  My privates were hanging free. 
John, Maria's boyfriend, said that if I didn't want to have my penis cut off and
stuffed in my mouth, I would have to stab myself.  He said I would suffer less
if I did it.  I knew I was being filmed and that they were acting, but they were
also going to kill me for real as I had requested.  It plays with your mind.  I
had added this to the script as a teaser and I liked it.  People seeing it would
not believe anyone would voluntarily stab themselves and it would lend
credibility to the film.  I had always wanted to feel what it was like to stab
myself, but outside of suicide, the wound would have been horribly painful as it
healed.  I would never heal from this.  I would be dead in less than an hour. 
This gave me the strength and courage to do it.

I asked for the knife and John handed me a huge bowie double edged blade.  As I
held the knife with my body exposed to the hot sun and knowing that these men
would soon tear my body apart, I felt free and gratified that I would not waste
my death in a bed with months of agony.  I smiled into the camera and held the
knife up in the air ready to plunge it into my belly.  I barely felt my arms
fall, but with all my strength pushed down and toward my body.  The tip of the
knife pushed through skin, muscle, organs and hit my backbone.  It stopped
suddenly and must have lodged itself between two vertebrae.  I tried to pull it
out, but couldn't.  I felt some burning pain, but mostly pressure. 

They were amazed at my courage in this scene and it gave them pause even though
they had killed numerous victims in these movies.  I now longed for the finale. 
John pulled one of my arms out and I watched as the machete hacked it off above
the elbow.  He then pulled my other arm tightly and it too was gone.  I felt the
bone shatter and watched as the blood dripped from both stumps.  I flailed what
was left of my arms as if fighting them, but my tattered flesh looked comical
and hideous.  They laughed and someone else picked up the ax and positioned
himself for swinging it at my body like I was a tree to be cut down.

With my arms gone and bleeding, I felt shock coming on fast.  There was some
dull pain coming from my arms.  The man with the ax would have to work quickly
to make the scene work with me still alive as only an upper torso.  He just
looked at me and made the first swing.  I heard and felt the ax hit the beam I
was tied to and looked down.  I had barely felt the blade go through my ankle. 
He swung again with incredible force slamming the blade through my right leg
above the knee and shaking the pole behind me.  I flinched as my right leg fell
away to the ground.  I looked at it still moving and closed my eyes only to be
shaken again as the ax took off my left leg mid thigh.  The other men were
mesmerized by this scene with me conscious as my body was taken apart.  Through
my drug induced fog, I watched as the cameras came in close to film my horrific
injuries and to catch the evidence that I was still alive. 

John suddenly pulled the knife out of my innards and grabbed my genitals pulling
them away from my body.  He said, "I lied." and proceeded to cut them away.  I
felt only pressure as he held them up for me to see.  He pushed my penis into my
mouth and spat at me.  He looked over at his friend with the ax and nodded to
finish me.  This was it.  I would be dead soon.  I watched in slow motion as the
ax came at my midsection.  It did not go all the way through in spite of my
executioner's best efforts.  I looked down and my guts were strewn out over my
hips.  He swung again and I felt the blade hit the beam.  My backbone had been
shattered.  I looked down again to see my hips lower than before, but still
attached.  One more time he swung the ax and my body fell against the remaining
ropes around my neck and upper chest.  I looked down at my hips, legs and arms
on the ground.  Blood was everywhere.  The camera came in close and then I saw
the blade out of the corner of my eye slicing through the air toward my neck. 
My eyes were wide open as the gleaming blade made contact.  I .............