I was ready and looking forward to taking my life. I had looked
long and far for an appropriate method and time to exit this life. 
After many months, I had chosen a time, place and method that seemed
to satisfy my desire for a glorious event.  I didn't want too much
pain or too much blood and I didn't want it to take too long after the
actual act.  Just a few days before the main event was to take place,
I found a message in a newsgroups for those individuals like me that
thought suicide should be glorious and spectacular, not hushed and
shrouded in darkness.

    I had been conversing with a few other people over the months
looking for someone who might witness, but not assist in my demise. 
Gerald was on of these acquaintances.  He asked if I was really at the
final point and ready to die.  I had convinced him that I was totally
serious and committed to snuff out my life, but in a spectacular way. 
We had also discussed the connection of sex and suicide.  Anyone who
has read "Patriotism" by Mishima will understand what we mean.


    I decided to meet Gerald at a bar and we immediately hit it off
and had a lot in common.  We were both ready to end our lives, but
didn't want to just go out with a breeze.  We both longed for a more
exotic exit where people could see and enjoy our death.  As we talked,
I was amazed to find out there were people who would pay thousands of
dollars to watch willing men and women commit suicide.


   He had heard of a small Caribbean island where there was a private
continuous suicide cult that maintained its existence by recruiting
new members to replace those who died and by selling the films of the
deaths to very rich and secretive clubs and individuals.  I was
fascinated.  Gerald only stumbled on the group at an underground club
in NYC where a snuff film was being shown.  He said it looked so real
and asked about it.  The owner didn't want to talk, but said he had
access to many more for the right price.  We got some money together
and bought one.  I had always fantasized about being the star of a
dark horror snuff film.


    I went over to Gerald's apartment the next weekend and watched in
amazement as a dozen, mostly 20 something men and women, committed
suicide in front of a crowd of people.  Everyone in the film was nude
and they were smiling throughout the film.  The biggest smiles were
from the participants.   There were at least 6 different methods of
death and all were the type of death I and others longed for.  There
was always a man and woman on stage and they always engaged in some
sort of sex act before taking their places in the various death
devices or simply doing themselve in.  After watching this video, I
was incredibly stimulated in every way.  It was all I could have ever
dreamed of for a final exit.  Gerald was almost in a trance and
equally filled with desire.  Another friend of his had seen the video.
 A girl, Julie, he had met at a goth club.  She passed out during the
movie, but when she awoke, she said she'd had the best orgasm of her
life.

    We all got together at a coffee shop and discussed what we'd seen.
 After and hour or so, we made a pact to go ahead.  Julie and I seemed
more into it than Gerald.  We were all going to meet a man in Miami in
two weeks who would hook us up with the people who would actually take
us to the island.  I settled my affairs as did the others.  We flew to
Miami and checked in at a crappy motel where our contact was to meet
us.  At about 2 am, he knocked on our door.  As we opened it, he told
us to each face the wall while he frisked us for a wire or other
device. They were desperately afraid of the police and had to be
careful.  We sat on the bed as he asked us some preliminary questions.

    As we were each quizzed on our desire to die, Gerald began to
realize the reality of what we were doing.  The man held out three
syringes and said we had to each self inject and that 1 in 100 of the
syringes had a lethal dose of drugs.  The other 99 were saline
solution.  This was our first  test to see if we were serious.  I had
been ready for months and grabbed my syringe.  I stuck it in my arm
and pushed the plunger.  It felt warm as Gerald and Julie watched for
a reaction.  After a few minutes, I felt nothing.  Now Julie did hers.
 Again, nothing.  Gerald looked at the syringe and looked at Julie and
me.  He then got up and left.  We never saw him again.  I knew somehow
he wasn't really into death.  The man laughed and said that the
weeding process would go one more step once we got to the island.   He
said to get some sleep and that we would leave in the morning.

    Julie and I got up and had a nice breakfast and really began to
talk about our lives and death.  Neither of us had any close family or
relationships and simply wanted to look in the next life for
happiness.  We met up with Jim and took a cab to a boatyard.  The boat
was medium sized, but very nice and comfortable.  As we headed out to
sea, I realized that this was real and I'd never see my old life
again.  It was my death that approached.  My goal was to go out with
style, with someone I knew and with a violent finale.

    After two hours, we spotted and island.  It wasn't very big and
there was a large house and what looked like an amphitheater carved
out of the thick palm grove.  This was like something out of a movie
and it soon would be incredibly real for us.   As we landed, two men
dressed in black robes led us to the main house.  We couldn't see
their faces.  As we walked in, Jim said we must undergo one more test
or we'd be taken back immediately on the boat.  We jumped as a shot
rang out from a room down the hall.  The robed men walked us in that
direction and opened the door.  There was a chair under a light and a
man standing holding a handgun.  I was pushed in and the door closed
behind me.  There was blood all over the floor.  I noticed a camera
focused on the chair.

    Only one word was said.  "Sit".  

The man handed me the gun and said that there was a one in 20 chance I
would die during this test and if for any reason I could not go
through with it, I should leave.  He didn't know who he was dealing
with.  A simple gunshot to the head was nothing compared with what I'd
seen in the video.  I pointed the muzzle at just under my ear pointing
up and pulled the trigger.  I smiled at him as there was only a click.

    I was escorted out and congratulated on passing the final test. 
After few minutes, Julie followed me.  We were then told that neither
the syringe or gun was ever loaded  and that it was only a test to
make sure we were suitable for the island.  In this business, they
could not afford fakers. At this point we were told to shed our
clothes for the final journey and that we would remain naked until
called for the ultimate show.  We were led to two different homes. 
One was large and the other small.  The larger was for the new
arrivals which was most of us.  The smaller was for the two people
chosen each Saturday plus the additional four. From the Saturday group
of six, two would be chosen  on Sundays at  7:30 for an 8:00pm death

    Everyone was walking around naked and smiling and happy.  We were
welcomed to the group of about 24 people, mostly in their 20s and 30s
and easy on the eyes.  This was no accident.  The people paying for
the films demand quality and an extreme sexual element to the films. 
I know I have always connected sex and death.  Julie feels the same
way.   We were encouraged to engage in any sexual act with anyone we
wanted during our time before being chosen.  Once our name came up for
the finale, we could not have sex until being led on stage. It was
encouraged, but optional.

    It was almost noon and everyone was gathering in the open theater
for lunch and to learn who was going to be chosen as part of the next
six.  I was hard at the thought and wished I was eligible now, but you
had to wait for two weeks before your name went into the hat.  Then,
you could be chosen right away or almost any length of time later. 
Two names were chosen every Saturday out of the eligible group.  A man
and woman were always teamed up to die, but there were always six
people in the house, so you never were quite sure of who would go
next.  This uncertainty racheted up the excitement  and desire among
everyone.  It also gave everyone a wonderful bond that was somehow
different than the newcomers.

    Of course, when the lucky couple was finally chosen, their bond
was strongest of all.   At precisely noon, a bell rang and we all sat.
 Two gold bowls sat on a table with names of women in one and men in
the other. You could tell who's names were in the bowls by the faces
in the crowd.  I longed for that feeling.  A hooded man pulled out a
woman's name and read it.  Angeline was her name and she screamed and
fainted.  The name Robert was next called.  He just stood up and
smiled.    We all ate lunch and talked about our lives and coming
death.

    Saturday night was routine with some drinking, sex, talk etc.  I
fell asleep and then it was Sunday.  I was all tied up with
anticipation of the evening. I had never witnessed an actual live
death and couldn't wait.  Julie and I talked and began to make the
final decisions on how we wanted to die when our time came.  We were
all told to decide early and dream and look forward to our chosen
method.   Our method of death was to be an obsession and studied and
talked about endlessly. As we watched others die that way, we would
become incredibly attached to that method and grow to lust for it.  It
would become our final death wish.

    Julie quickly grabbed onto hanging as a final out.  I was torn
between beheading and the knife machine.  In the beheading, I would
climb into a guillotine which would be sideways to the audience and
lower my head onto the semicircle.  The other death mate would close
the top over my head and lock me in.  In this way, no one could be
prosecuted.  She would hand me the rope controlling the blade.  I
would decide when and just smile at the audience until ready.

    The Knife machine was a large table where  i would lay on my back
with a large heavy block of concrete suspended 10  feet above me.  It
would be littered with knives of varying lengths and when released, 
would slowly, but unstoppably drop and pierce my body from waist to
neck.   The average time from the first point of a knife touching my
chest untill full penetration was said to be 2 minutes. The idea was
that I might live for a few moments and the audience could watch my
reaction and enjoy my death.  I really liked the idea of this.  Not
too painful and not too quick.  I wanted to be aware of my death and
savor it.  I wanted some pain to make it real and be a true death
journey not just and explosion with no conscious memory of the event.

    Julie, typical of a woman, wanted no real pain and/or mess, just a
quick out.  She did confess to hoping her head would be snapped off to
give any future viewers a treat.

    It was now Sunday evening and we all gathered for the main event. 
I couldn't wait.  Precisely at 8pm, a guillotine was rolled out and as
was a single head knife machine.  This was similar to the total body
knife machine, but that the recipient would be locked into place as a
single long blade would quickly be thrust into his head from directly
above and decsending well into the neck.  They say you feel nothing,
but cold as the blood bubbles up around the knife and over your face
till you lose consciousness.  I was intrigued.  The other possible
methods were more freestyle where the chosen would sit or stand and
commit a more traditional suicide.  A gunshot to the head or heart.,
true hari kari and slashing your own throat.  I personally like to see
some blood to make it real.  If you chose the freestyle method, there
was required training which was extensive.  They didn't want anyone
else to get hurt or for you to simply injure yourself.  In addition,
for these total control methods, various drugs were offered for
relaxation and loss of inhibition.  Most people chose the pull of a
lever method because of its definite and reliable result.  I did hear
of a few accidents where death took hours.  I guess the video editing
department could trim it down to size for the final film.

    A nice looking man, Vince, and an equally attractive woman, Susan,
took the stage and casually examined their death machines.  Susan had
chosen the guillotine and Vince had selected the more diabolical knife
death.  They enjoyed a sweet nude embrace.  He was obviously erect and
totally into this moment.  Suddenly, Sue went to her knees and began
to furiously suck his rock hard cock to the cheers of the crowd.  She
stood up smacked her lips and got into position in the head chopper. 
Vince placed the top piece in place to lock her into position with her
head laying back on a satin covered pillow.  She turned her head and
smiled joyously at the audience.  She began to masturbate and get her
body ready to die.  Vince was able to lock himself into the knife
machine to make his head and torso immobile.  A black robed assistant
handed Sue a rope and one for Vince.  They each pulled them taught for
a clean beautiful death.  There had been a coin toss early in the day
and Vince wanted to go first and be in the middle of his journey and
watch as Susie  pull the rope for her own sweet, but instantaneous
death.

    It was time.  Vince was gently fisting his cock with one hand
while making a few false tugs on the rope.  As he neared climax, he
pulled on the rope and the weighted knife pierced his head with a
whack.   There was no blood and he continued to gently fist his cock. 
A strange look came over his face as the first blood spurt out of the
top of his head and ran down his face.  He licked at it and savored
the taste.  Just then, as all eyes were on Vince, Susie pulled the
cord.  Everyone's eyes shifted like a tennis match as the blade
quickly severed her head.  Her body flinched and moved violently as
her head fell to the floor with her face looking at all of us.  She
mouthed something and still had a smile on her face as her eyes closed
and her body went limp.  Vince also mouthed something unintelligible
and smiled as he lost consciousness.

    This was very bloody.  Susie's body poured blood all over the
stage and Vince was soaked in his own sweet red blood.  Many in the
crowd had seen this over and over again, but they were still
mesmerized by these violent deaths, all the time knowing that our time
would come.  It was the waiting that drove me crazy.  I wanted to do
it now.  I wanted to kill myself.

    As the weeks  went by, the scene was repeated again and again. 
Julie and I were only one day away from being eligible. We were so
ready to kill ourselves for anyone who wanted to watch.  As noon on
Saturday approached, I grew restless.  My heart was pounding.  There
were six  names and Julie and I were two of them.  We had chosen to
die as a couple, but there was no guarantee we'd be chosen on the
first time.  Finally, the time had come and the names were read.  When
he said,"Julie and Dan," I was ecstatic.

    Of course, this was no guarantee we would die on Sunday, only that
we would join the four left from the previous week.  We still had to
pass the draw against two other couples.  That would be held in
private in the death cottage just before the event.  The rest of the
crowd would not know who was to die until we walked onto the stage on
Sunday.

    We ate lunch and moved into the small death cottage.  It was
elegant with anything we wanted to drink  or eat available.  The drug
ecstasy was offered if we wanted.  I had used this many times during
long auto erotic episodes, but I wanted to be completely sober for my
exit.  Julie and I flipped a coin and she won.  Since she was going to
be hanged, she wanted to see me impaled first and gaze upon my dying
flesh and then return the favor and pull her own rope so that I would
see her die before I lost consciousness.  I loved her for it.  As
Saturday evening passed along, we made love on the stage where we
would die the next evening.  A few others watched us and were envious
of our deep feeling of love, lust and our beautiful death wish.

    As Sunday morning and afternoon passed, I became serenely content
in my life and my decisions.  My only regret was that I would not get
to see the video of my death.  At least I knew I would be coherent
through the first few moments and enjoy the sweet pain and wetness of
my own blood.  Julie would only have a second until the length of rope
ran out and her neck snapped.  If she was lucky, she might be
conscious to feel something and enjoy her own death.  When the time
came for the two finalists to be chosen, Julie and I were sweating and
nervous.  It wasn't to be our night.  Joe and Denise were given the
nod and since it was 7:30, there was little time to prepare or be sad
that we'd have to wait another week, at least.

    Denise and Joe were free spirits.  They had chosen to be in total
control of their bodies.  Joe had decided to slit his own throat and
Denise was going to rip her abdomen wide open, hari kari style.  Both
of these were horrific, bloody and boldly erotic.  There are few souls
with the fortitude to die like this.  They had each been given
extensive training in the use of a special knife and exactly where and
how deeply to cut.  Denise's death would be slow so she wanted to go
first so that Joe could enjoy the view of her gutted and bleeding to
death as he raked his own knife through his carotid artery and jugular
vein.

    They were marched up on stage where Denise quickly sat on a silk
rug and Joe sat in a chair next to her.  The knives were carefully
presented to each of them with a ceremonial bow.  Without so much as a
word, Denise held the knife up for all to see and then placed it
against her left abdomen.  She was going to cut left to right and then
up a few inches allowing her bowels to spill out in front of her.  Joe
placed his own knife on the designated spot on his neck and tightened
his grip.  Denise looked over at him and plunged the knife into her
belly.  She was in obvious pain and took a minute to compose herself
for the main cut.  Blood was spilling out as she used a death clutch
and ripped the knife across her body and then turned it up a few
inches..  She screamed and let go.  It seemed as if her entire insides
spilled out  onto her lap as she looked out into the audience for
approval.  It might take an hour for her to die.  As the waves of pain
tore through her, she looked over at Joe.

    Joe's knife had already pierced his neck as he watched Denise. 
With one wonderful movement, he cut deep into his neck hitting both
vein and artery.  The blood shot from his neck as he dropped the knife
and put his hands on his knees and looked over at Denise.  They were
both bleeding profusely.  Joe quickly lost consciousness and fell on
the floor still pouring blood from his neck.  Denise grabbed Joe's
knife and quickly cut a gaping hole in  her own neck to hasten her
death.  There was so much blood.  She also lost consciousness and fell
forward into her entrails and the pool of blood.  It was over and
incredible.

    The audience was silent the entire time.  There had never been two
more violent deaths at the island.  So few people chose the old
methods these days.  We walked back to our cottage, the four of us who
were left and talked about what we'd seen.  Who would be next?

    The next week was endless.  I couldn't wait for Sunday.  We didn't
care who the next couple was to join us.  We just wanted to die.

    It was Sunday evening and the drawing was now here and we were
ready to snuff out our lives.  Who would it be?  Finally, the
attendant read out the names.  We won.  This was a million times more
intense than the best sex of my life.  The drawing was only minutes
before the robed men would come for us.  I kissed Julie and hugged her
one last time.

    At 7:30 the robed attendants came for us.  Julie had exaggerated
her makeup and we held hands as we made our way to the stage.  I could
see my machine.  Oddly, over the time I watched others die, no one
used this method. I do like surprises, not knowing what to expect. It
is always the fantasy we love and anticpate that excites us the most.
More often than not, the fulfilled fantasy is anticlimatic.  I
couldn't wait, but then I wouldn't have to worry about my feelings or
a possible letdown afterwards.

     Julie hugged the  hangman's machine like it was a man she loved. 
I stood up on the table and tried to feel the sharpness of the knives
that would hang over me and later snuff out my life.  They were sharp.
 Just imagining these two dozen knives slowly impaling my torso was
more than I could stand.  I would actually get to slowly see my body
being opened for all to see.  I was told the pain was only moderate
because of the force of the weight on the knives and their sharpness. 
My heart might be pierced or not.  There was no guarantee.  Without a
heart wound, I might live for 30 minutes until my lungs filled with
blood.  With a good heart wound, it might take only a few.

    Julie, on the other hand, would go instantly.  There have been
some cases where the neck does not break and asphyxiation is the cause
of death.  Julie didn't care.  She just wanted everyone to enjoy her
death and feel that one second of pain.

    I wanted to have one final orgasm before I died.  Julie engulfed
my shaft one final time and then kissed me before she walked up to the
gallows and put the noose around her neck with the knot to the side. 
There was no hood.  That was the point of this entire cult. Death
should be joyful and celebrated.  A marvelous death would be enjoyed
by the particpants and witnesses alike.

     I laid myself down on the table and began to fondle myself to an
incredible hardness.  The attendant handed me the rope which I pulled
taught with my free hand.  The other attendant handed Julie her rope. 
I was so damn hot and ready to die.  As I was to go first so that
Julie could watch, I looked up at her and tugged at the rope.  The
slab of concrete quickly came down to my chest and the longest knife
sliced into my abdomen.  At first I thought it might be too quick, but
as the slab slowed, I remembered that it would take two minutes to
push every knife into my body.

    As each knife pierced my flesh, I looked up at Julie and we both
smiled.  I was feeling only mild pain, but a lot of pressure as some
of the knives pressed against my ribs and sternum.  Julie didn't know
how long I'd be able to stay conscious, so she pulled on the rope.  
Her sweet nude body fell through the trap door and stopped with a
violent jolt.  Her breasts heaved and her legs tensed up as her neck
snapped.  Her body was immediately lifeless, but swaying back and
forth like a tree from the wind.  Her smile never left her face.  She
was dead and her last view was of me slowly dying.

    I was now in much more pain and a few of the knives were deep into
my body. Some had scraped across my ribs.  I looked at the audience
and they seemed amazed at my lack of emotion.  I felt strange, but not
like I was within minutes of death.  The slab seemed to slow and my
blood was indeed filling my lungs now.  They ached as I tried to
breath.  I coughed and the pain was intense.  I coughed up an
incredible amount of blood.  I could feel it leaking down my sides and
under my back.  It was warm and wonderful. Suddenly, I felt something
quite strange.  My heart was on fire.  I could feel every blade in my
body.  My heart pounded like a deep drum. I could not breath and
couldn't move my torso. My eyes were open, but I couldn't move them. 
I looked up at the cold concrete.  The slab had now stopped and I was
totally impaled.  I tried to remain conscious.  I wanted to see my
ultimate, glorious death..................................................I
could see the light............It
was......................................

EPILOGUE:    We still don't know much about the moment of death or
what happens to the soul, the spirit or the essence of our mind. 
There is physical pain and happiness with birth.  The same can be said
for death.  As death approaches in those final minutes, there is a
calm as if we know that what lies ahead is not bad or evil, but simply
a new chapter. This island is real.  It's existence is the most highly
guarded secret of the dark underground world we all secretly covet.  
Death is part of life.  Who's to say what happens after?