The distinction that I sometimes makes between "Steve" and "S", always
artificial but sometimes useful, at times proves too simplistic. In
the following excerpt from a private email I tried for a more precise
analysis of my different aspects.
*********
As you know, I've long pondered the different sides of myself. I've
come to regard the Steve/S distinction to be, while somewhat useful,
much too simplistic (as all such models will be), and not really
honest. By pushing all the negative stuff onto "the other", and saying
that Steve, the "real me", wouldn't do that, I distort the truth.
There's a lot of genuinely cruel things that Steve *would* do.
I've come to regard the following as somewhat more useful, though the
usage of the terminology - which is very idiosyncratic - will be
rejected by some (especially sadists). What I now find is that I've
top, dominant, and sadist aspects to the "pitcher" side of my
personality.
My top aspect is what, I believe, would be foremost in RL. As a top,
my primary interest would be pleasing the bottom, more precisely,
causing hir direct physical and emotional pleasure. Not that I
wouldn't be doing things that I'd enjoy (compatible partners being
quite important). But that wouldn't be my focus; making hir happy
would be. There might be elements within the scene that sie didn't
like, but the idea would be to structure the scene so that, on
balance, it was a pleasure for hir.
My dom aspect, which I believe would emerge fairly often with the
right partner (but would not be a routine part of RL practice), would
be focused on my pleasure, and given that I have sadistic impulses,
this would often come from causing her pain (the change in pronouns
was deliberate; I can see myself topping or co-topping a man, but I
don't think that I'd want to dominate one). Not that I'd mind if she
had some fun, and I certainly wouldn't mind doing some things that she
enjoyed, maybe even on occasion (rare occasions ) because she enjoyed
them. But the focus would be on my pleasure, and that might include
pushing or exceeding her pain limits and continuing with things that
she most sincerely and intensely did *not* want to continue; such
things might continue, so long as I don't perceive harm (lasting
damage) occuring. Her pleasure would not be a goal of the scene,
*except* for the pleasure that she would receive from my pleasure*.
Her safety, and her well-being, however, would be the leading goals of
any scene.
* - In a way, given how important it is to a submissive, at least to
my kind of submissive, to know that the dominant is enjoying what
sie's doing, and doing it because it's what *sie* wants to do, there's
an interesting twist involved here: it's by being so completely
selfish, and focusing strictly on hir own pleasure, that the dom can
best fulfill some of the submissive's needs. And, while there are far
too many people for whom selfishness comes easily, for others it's
very hard to be selfish, at least to be unabashedly so, (especially
for those with "bad" desires) making such a display an act of intimacy
and vulnerability for the dominant (yet another of the many delicious
ironies in wiitwd).
My sadistic aspect, which I would never allow to emerge outside of
fiction or fantasy, would be solely focused on my pleasure, and it
would derive pleasure almost entirely from her fear and pain and
humiliation (my dominant aspect would derive pleasure from other
services she might provide (my dominant and sadistic aspects might
have her do the same things, but as a dominant I'd do them for my
direct pleasure, while as a sadist I'd do them to hurt her (from which
I would, of course, be deriving pleasure; as an example of what I
mean, I'd try to defer or avoid any physical reactions - however
pleasant - that would interfere with my continuing to hurt her). My
sadistic aspect would want to be sure that she did not experience
pleasure (my dominant side wouldn't mind if she did, or care if she
didn't (well, not a lot, anyway)). And my sadistic aspect would be
indifferent to her well-being (except from a most totally
self-interested motivation, i.e. don't break the toy unless she can be
or has been replaced, or don't hurt her in such a way that she or an
emergency room would report it to the authorities).
Still much too simplistic; it's unlikely that I'd be in pure "top"
mode, or ever not have the sadist mode operating someplace. But it's a
better model for my personality than the Steve/S one.
****************************************************************
The above discusses only my "pitcher" aspects. Some of my submissive
aspects are dicussed in the following message of 7 May 1996, where, in
a private email, I attempted to explain to a journalist how wiitwd
seems to us (the message has had some additions and revisions since
then).
***
In any event, I'd like to challenge your views about sadomasochistic
rituals and torture scenes. As it happens, I'm both a fairly light and
a relatively inexperienced player, so I perhaps can't describe as well
as others how different they are from the "sickening" events you
imagine them to be, but I'll take a stab...eh, make an attempt.
It would help if I really understood it myself. And even then I can
only speak to some of it; the motivations and rewards are many and
various and different people experience similar things in very
different ways. For myself, there is something extremely compelling -
I wish I could come up with a better description, but none quite
applies - in being brought up to my limits. When the flogging is
continued to the limits of what you can stand (or think you can
stand), and your focus has become how to take just one more, and then
just one more, and... (you get the idea) without asking for it to be
stopped (asking if you're a submissive, instructing if you're a
masochist; another topic for another time)..., well, I don't know
exactly how to describe it. It's not, for me, fun. It isn't anything I
could say was pleasurable, and it isn't erotic (at that time, though
it can be in recollection). It's just... compelling. And it's
something you want to do again as soon as you can (and when it's done,
and you're cuddling in your top's lap, or perhaps having your sore
back rubbed with soft fur, that's something else you want to do again
soon).
This isn't, BTW, an endorphin reaction. However, the endorphin rush,
*is* one real good reason for doing painplay. It probably doesn't seem
much like serious s&m to have the "catcher" (bottom, submissive,
masochist, whatever) laughing, but when your system is saturated with
endorphins and everything your top does - for that matter, just about
everything you see, hear, or think of - seems enormously funny, that's
a quite good reason for being chained and clamped and waxed.
Then there's the quite special form of satisfaction ("pleasure" might
not be an apt description) of seeing the excitement in one's pitcher's
eyes and flushed face, or hearing her say how much she enjoys the way
you squirm under the lash.
Also, for me, there's an aspect of being helpless that is very
attractive. I'm not a trusting person; paranoid might be a bit
excessive - but not very much so. Oh, I sometimes give people my trust
(or, probably more accurately, my reliance; it's a fact of life that
we often must rely upon others, but this does not mean we trust them,
only that an analysis of our interest finds that we are better served
by relying upon someone than by not relying upon them), but when I do,
it's not done secure in the belief that they won't fail or betray me,
but rather in recognition of the advantage in relying upon them, and
in confidence in my ability to manage should they fail or betray me.
Feeling as I do, it's a delicious and luxuriant feeling when I can
place myself completely in the hands of another, and feel helpless and
vulnerable and yet totally safe. This is why, FWIW, that a desire for
fear is not a part of my submissive aspect, which is somewhat unfair
of me, as I adore *other* people's fear, but, for me, fear is
antithetical to what I seek. If I could fear my dominant, I could not
submit to her; were to she to succeed in making me afraid (afraid of
*her*, as opposed to being afraid of the pain; the distinction may be
hard to understand, but it's because I have no fear of my dominant
that I can believe that I'm really safe, despite my fear of the pain,
or of the things that bring it; faith in her makes the fear of them
manageable; so long as I have no fear of my dominant, I have no fear
for my well-being; should I come to fear for my well-being, it will
mean I've become afraid of my dominant), as I've no doubt any skilled
pitcher could, it would end my ability to submit to her. As a second
FWIW, it's because of these asymettrical aspects of my aspects that I
don't define myself as a switch, but rather as a sadistic submissive.
Those are things I can speak of. There's others for whom painplay is
deeply spiritual, many who use it to achieve states of altered
consciousness (sometimes trance states, but generally the "catcher" is
conscious and aware (in a way; there's much one isn't aware of, for
example the passage a time - even in my experience, what seems like 30
minutes can really have been two hours) but in a different, and a
delicious, state of consciousness). Some find that pain focusses their
whirling minds, some find the challenge, and yes, the risk, necessary
to deal with mundane existence (there are among painplayers a lot of
people who have ADD and many others who like other kinds of high risk
play (lots of rock and mountain climbers, for example; even some scuba
divers).
Some find that the events bond them in ways little else can, that the
offering of one's body for pain and/or alteration is the most intimate
and meaningful of gifts, and one accepted with due appreciation of the
magnitude of that gift. In those cases where body modification is
done, it's common for dominants to stay with their submissives through
their piercings or brandings so that they may share the experience
and/or receive *all* of the gift that's being given them.
Addendum (taken from another email):
.... As it happens, I've recently realized something that now seems
obvious but that I'd overlooked before, and it may apply to other
submissive sadists.
I've given various reasons for my submitting to pain (if that is my
dominant's pleasure) even though I do not enjoy or eroticize (while
it's happening) pain. One that I ignored (probably because it's
irrational and I don't like to admit irrational motivation) is this:
As a sadist, the people that I most want to hurt are the people that I
most like and respect (I sometimes feel like those primitive tribesmen
that wish to eat the heart of the brave, except that my consumption of
my victim's strength and courage is more psychic, that I want to sit
by the torture table and absorb hir power as the pain is
oh-so-gradually ratcheted upwardss, added bit by bit as sie struggles
to hold out and because it is so gradual sie's given the time to tap
all hir reserves of strength and courage, and so when sie finally
breaks I know that I've taken from hir *all* that sie had and all that
sie was and that in a fashion I've consumed hir soul, and what I most
want to eat, and will want to eat most fully, are the souls of people
that I really like and admire.
How that relates to my submission, I think, is that, though I do
*know* that other people don't all feel the same way, part of me still
feels that, because *I* want to torture people I like and respect, any
woman who really cares for me will want to hurt me. And so part of the
reason for my "I don't want a woman to torture me, but I do want a
woman to *want* to torture me" is, besides my genuine interest in her
deriving pleasure from me and from my pain if that is her preference,
is that I crave her craving for my pain because I believe - ah, no,
that's not right, I don't believe it (I in fact know that it is not
(necessarily) true); make that I *feel* - that if she really cares for
me she will want my pain.
It might all seem very obvious, but somehow it escaped my notice until
now. Now, as I said, I do understand that most people are not going to
feel that way, and so I'm not going to say that I could only be with
kinky people because I need someone to want to hurt me (while I would
say that I need to be with kinky people because I need someone who can
appreciate, not merely accept or tolerate, my predatory aspects), but
I do believe that this partly acounts for why I want my dominant to
want to hurt me even though I'm not really a masochist, and why for me
D/s in which I happily served, but in which my dominant didn't want to
hurt me wouldn't be satisfying, and why, for me, there's nothing at
all erotic about punishment, because I don't want to torture people
because they were bad, but rather want to torture them because they
are good (i.e I want to torture them because of what they are, not
what they do, and I want torture them more the better I find them),
and to some extent expect the same feeling in anyone who would
dominate me.